Hello Hello! Welcome to the feelings zone.
This is a long chapter, so I hope you are ready.
Just a heads up that this chapter includes some barely-there references to past abuse and slavery, as well as the resulting traumas.
These characters are not mine, I am just playing around with them. Enjoy!
Earlier that evening, Blaster had the perfect chance to steal a moment alone with Soundwave. The cassettes were pre-occupied with their games and gossiping, Soundwave was tinkering away at his recent project, and Blaster was drying off from his shower. Through his entire shower, Blaster's processor revisited the conversation he had with Jazz earlier that day. He was set and ready to talk things through with Soundwave. Of course, he was still scared to the pit and back that Soundwave wouldn't return his romantic feelings… and even more terrified that unrequited feelings could damage the trust and friendship that had developed between them. None-the-less, saying nothing would only result in more frustration and self-denial… not to mention the ever-hovering risk of Soundwave hearing about Blaster's feelings through a bored cassette.
The opportunity had presented itself as Soundwave walked past Blaster, who was standing outside their private washracks, towel in servo. The telepath spared his roommate a small smile as he turned into his berthroom. Before Blaster's processor could catch up to his mouth, the orange mech started, "Hey 'Wave?".
Soundwave paused, servo on door. He turned with a hum to look back at Blaster, who had frozen.
"Could… could I get a moment with you?" Blaster asked. He tried his best to keep his voice casual and friendly, but he noticed the raised optic-brow from Soundwave. There really was no use in trying to hide how nervous he was from a telepath.
Soundwave simply nodded and gestured with a servo into his berthroom. If they really wanted privacy from curious (and often snoopy) cassettes, they would need to place some walls between them.
Blaster smiled thankfully and entered the room, then looked back to watch Soundwave follow him in and shut the door. Great, now it was just the two of them.
… Primus, now it was just the two of them. Now was the time to say how he felt. Blaster felt himself freezing in the spot. Soundwave watched him quietly, but the telepath's expression clouded with confusion as the silence continued to drag on.
"uh…" Blaster started suddenly. The orange mech cleared his throat nervously and tried to pick the best words in his helm to start this with. Primus, he really should have planned out what he was going to say.
A soft smile of amusement appeared on Soundwave's faceplates. The blue mech interrupted Blaster's frantic processor with a quiet observation, "many of the Autobots do that".
Blaster blinked in surprise; his processor screeched to a halt. "Many of us do what?"
"Make that sound", Soundwave elaborated, "in your throat, as the humans do". Soundwave demonstrated by imitating a throat clearing sound.
"oh" Blaster smiled, then chuckled. "Yeah, I guess we kinda do, don't we?".
"The first time I heard Optimus Prime make that noise, I assumed he had untreated damage to his vocal cords, or perhaps a nervous tic" Soundwave mused.
Blaster laughed in amusement, "really?". Soundwave nodded. "Guess the humans made quite the impression on us" the orange boombox grinned.
Soundwave hummed before dismissing the subject. He squeezed Blaster's shoulder comfortingly as he spoke, "I apologize for interrupting, you wished to tell me something?".
"Ah! Right yeah" Blaster trailed off again. It was so much harder to focus on placing his words well with Soundwave's gentle servo resting on his shoulder like that… Not to mention those pretty amber optics looking up at him. There was not much of a difference in their height, Blaster was really only a fraction taller… if you squinted. It really didn't matter all that much, but Blaster enjoyed knowing that if they ever kissed, they would really just fit together perfectly.
"Well, I have been meaning to talk with you for a little while, 'Wave". Blaster said. Soundwave's servo withdrew from his shoulder, the telepath looked concerned. "Oh, don't be worried! Nothing's wrong or anything" Blaster assured (at least, he hoped that nothing would be).
After stoking up some courage, Blaster reached over and took one of Soundwave's servos with his own. The telepath didn't seem to be outwardly affected by this, but Blaster saw the miniscule movement as amber optics briefly flicked to the side to look at their interconnected servos.
Blaster finally steeled his nerves and began, "I've really enjoyed your company here, since you moved in".
Soundwave's look of confusion wavered into a smile, "I've also rather enjoyed living here with you".
Blaster grinned, okay, good start. He took a breath before continuing, "your friendship is really important to me, but I have to be honest". Primus it was so fragging cute when Soundwave tilted his helm to the side like that. "For the last while, I-"
Rumble and Rewind practically burst through the door. Blaster couldn't help his surprised jump, Soundwave calmly looked over at the two cassettes. Had he sensed them coming? Blaster couldn't help but wonder.
With far too much guilt in his quickness, Blaster yanked his servo apart from Soundwave's. That definitely looked as guilty as it felt. For a moment, Blaster could feel Soundwave's optics linger on him… analysing him.
"uuhh… are we interrupting something here?" Rewind scrutinized the two mechs.
Far too quickly, Blaster said "no, not at all. What's up, fellas?". Now he could really feel Soundwave watching him. The telepath's optics seemed to bore holes in the back of his helm. Blaster tried to keep his thoughts focused only on the present cassettes… just in case.
"okay…" Rumble drawled suspiciously, then snapped into childish excitement, "can we have a movie night tonight?!".
Rewind clapped his servos together as if he were a human in prayer, "please please please please?" A chorus of pleads could be heard from around the corner as a number of cassettes joined in from the living room.
Blaster laughed and looked as Soundwave. The telepath shrugged as if to say, "why not?".
"Alright guys, but you have to all agree on a movie, okay?" Blaster grinned.
Rewind punched his fist in the air with excitement before running off, Rumble practically vibrated with excitement as he ran back to the living room shouting movie titles.
Blaster felt all the bravado stolen from him like wind gone from in a sail. He casually tried to slip back into the hall and towards the mass of excited cassettes. A servo grabbed his own and pulled him back to face Soundwave. He couldn't help the excited flutter his spark gave at the gesture.
"Blaster," Soundwave murmured, his optics seemed to search his roommates' faceplates. "Is everything okay? You have seemed… unlike yourself lately".
Blaster's expression melted and he squeezed Soundwave's servo gently, "I'm okay, 'Wave". Now just wasn't the right time. "We can talk more about this later… when we actually have time" he assured his concerned friend.
Soundwave's servo tightened in his to halt another attempted retreat. "Blaster", Soundwave's voice sounded upset, almost pleading. The orange mech turned back to face his companion again, this time in surprise.
"If I said anything to upset you, or distance you from myself" Soundwave wavered, his helm dipped into an apology, "I am incredibly sorry. Sometimes I say things that do not make sense or behave in ways that others do not understand. If I did anything to insult you without realizing-"
"Hey, no, no 'Wave" Blaster turned his whole frame to face Soundwave again, he took up both of the blue mech's servos in his snugly. Primus, this was the last thing he wanted! Of course, Soundwave noticed his odd behaviour lately… Blaster just hadn't realized that Soundwave was reading these changes as something being wrong.
"No, 'Wave! You didn't do anything to upset me, I promise!" Blaster assured, "this is all my doing, I'm just working through a few things and I don't want you to feel guilty about that". The boombox's spark clenched painfully as Soundwave looked back up at him with a watery expression.
"Are you certain there's nothing I did wrong?" Soundwave's voice was a near whisper.
"I'm one thousand percent sure" Blaster guaranteed as he pulled Soundwave into a tight hug. He felt so guilty about this… He had to get his slag together and stop acting so differently around Soundwave. Feelings or no feelings… nothing good would come of anything if he only served to distance himself from his friend.
Soundwave's servos uncertainly returned the hug. A moment passed before Soundwave spoke, his voice muffled against Blaster's shoulder, "one thousand percent isn't a true percentile". Blaster shook with laugher and Soundwave followed suit.
When he pulled back from the embrace (wishing he could stay much longer), Blaster assured his friend, "we'll talk about this soon, I promise. I'll explain everything, okay?".
Soundwave nodded. It wasn't long before they were pulled from the room by impatient cassettes. The movie of the night had been chosen, there was no need to stand around talking!
Blaster replayed the events of the evening in his helm again and gave a weary sigh. He had been so close! He rolled onto his back in berth and stared at the ceiling. It was almost as if Primus himself didn't want him to say anything.
He mentally kicked himself again at remembering how upset Soundwave had been. The idea that Soundwave assumed Blaster was distancing himself from his friendship really wrung at his spark. How could he be so stupid? He was living with Soundwave, and that mech picked up almost every miniscule detail around him. Of course he would notice when Blaster started to stumble over his words and act unusually.
Blaster scrubbed at his faceplates. The events of the evening had kept his processor spinning all through the movie, and even more so now that he was alone in his berth. His cassettes were all tucked away in his chest-plates, which really didn't help tromp the feelings of loneliness Blaster couldn't shake.
His processor also kept returning to the vivid feeling of holding Soundwave so close to his frame. It had felt so right to tuck Soundwave into his arms to comfort and reassure him. The blue mech felt so warm, it all felt so right. Blaster recalled exactly how Soundwave relaxed his frame into the hug and tentatively returned it. Up close like that, Blaster couldn't ignore Soundwave's pleasant scent… like the solvent he used in the washracks, energon with iron flakes in it, and something else… something distinctly Soundwave that even in remembrance sent an undeniable thrill and flutter through Blaster's frame. Blaster let out a warmed breath and rolled onto his side. Even if he couldn't be with Soundwave in a more intimate way right now, he wished so dearly that he could just see his roommate and talk to him. He wished he could march across the hall to Soundwave's berthroom and knock on the door. When it opened, he would take a big step in and pull the blue mech into his arms and kiss him very, very deeply.
Blaster's fans clicked on at the idea. It was a rather pleasant idea. Of course, it was nothing he could do right now. It was the middle of the night, and Soundwave was probably asleep and oblivious to his feelings.
He just wished that he could talk to him right now… just the two of them.
It seemed as though Primus was being charitable that night. As if on cue, there was a soft knock at the door. Blaster jolted up and out of his berth. Was that Soundwave? Did the blue mech's telepathy notice that he was awake and come over to continue their talk? Blaster's excitement faltered for a moment as he considered the possibility that Soundwave could have also picked up his heated thoughts and was coming over to ask him to quiet his perverted mind.
Either way, Blaster couldn't deny his excitement about having a private talk with Soundwave. With a spring in his step and a smile on his faceplates, Blaster opened his berthroom door. As soon as his optics focused on Soundwave, any idea of romantic conversations were shut down.
Soundwave stood in the hallway with his optics downcast to the floor. He was shivering with a chill; Blaster couldn't tell if it was from the cold or from fear. The telepath's entire frame was rigid with some sort of distress.
"May I stay with you tonight?" Soundwave whispered. Blaster couldn't ignore the obvious twinge of shame in the blue mech's voice.
"Of course," Blaster crooned as he guided the telepath in with a gentle servo. "You look freezing" Blaster murmured. Soundwave only replied with a nod.
The orange mech pulled Soundwave into his berth. He made sure Soundwave got in on the side he was just lying in, as it was warmer. Soundwave thanked him softly but continued to avoid optic contact.
Blaster fretted over the idea that Soundwave was still upset from their earlier exchange. Silently, Blaster climbed in the berth next to Soundwave. He opened his servos out as an offer of comfort, but Soundwave visibly shrunk back. Blaster's spark tightened.
"'Wave… what's wrong?" Blaster whispered soothingly. It deeply pained him to see his love in such a disturbed state.
Soundwave gave a shaky sigh, "I just had a night-flux, please don't worry over me". Even now that he was talking, he avoided optic contact at all costs.
Blaster frowned, "do you want to talk about it?". It was challenging to resist the urge to reach out and offer physical comfort to the distressed mech.
Soundwave quietly shook his helm no.
Something about this didn't sit right with Blaster. Soundwave had come to him after a nightmare before, but he had been much easier to soothe. This one must have been a doozy of a night-flux. Looking at the still trembling mech before him, Blaster doubted that this night-flux was about the injury Soundwave sustained a few months back. Maybe it had something to do with Megatron's recent aggression towards him. Blaster dismissed this idea, Soundwave would likely have had this night-flux sooner after the attacks, if that was the case. Besides, something about Soundwave was different. Blaster had never seen the mech so disturbed, even when he was recovering and weak in the med bay months ago.
"Is there anything I can do to make things better?" Blaster offered in a soft voice, "I could tell ya' more stories from when I was a dumb kid". His smile faltered as Soundwave shook his helm again at the offer.
"Thank you, Blaster, for your kind offers" Soundwave murmured. It was hard to ignore the distinctive tremor in his voice, "I just did not want to be alone. Please, go back to sleep. Do not let me disturb your rest".
Blaster searched his processor for words, "are ya' sure, 'Wave". Soundwave nodded silently before turning away from Blaster to face the wall.
"Okay," Blaster whispered to the empty feeling room. He hesitated, then added, "if you wana wake me up at any point tonight, please do. I'll always be here for you, 'Wave".
The room stood in total silence for a long moment, Blaster almost wondered if Soundwave had already fallen asleep. Finally, Soundwave murmured, "thank you, Blaster. I appreciate you".
That was all they said.
Everything about Soundwave was huddled and drawn in. Even his field was pulled flush against his frame, it was almost wilted in on itself. Had Blaster closed his optics, he may not have even noticed Soundwave's presence. It felt incredibly wrong to leave Soundwave like that. Every inch of Blaster's processor screamed at him to reach out to offer comfort and support. However, Soundwave clearly didn't want anything of that sort right now, and that had to be respected.
Blaster watched Soundwave's frame. It was hard to tell, but it looked like the telepath was dropping into recharge fairly fast. His frame wasn't trembling as much anymore, and the tension in his dorsa and field was starting to melt away. If he turned his audios way up, he could hear Soundwave's soft breathing even out. At least he was able to calm down enough to get some rest.
What could have possibly brought this on? Blaster puzzled over this. Ever since Soundwave joined him here on the Ark, he had been through all sorts of slag. He recovered from that nasty injury, left the Decepticons, got attacked by Megatron… twice, joined the Autobots, and found out he was being stalked. While he had seen Soundwave in a bad state here and there… he had never seen Soundwave like that. At least when he was upset before, Soundwave was willing to talk about what disturbed him. Even when he didn't go into details, Soundwave at least allowed Blaster to comfort him.
Blaster watched Soundwave's dorsa. Now certainly in recharge, Soundwave's frame had relaxed completely. Even his field had unwound from itself and was starting to relax out. Blaster shimmied an inch closer and let his field gingerly reach out to Soundwave's. It was unmistakeable that something in his night-flux had deeply disturbed Soundwave. Now that he was recharging and thus free of inhibition, his field latched to Blaster's for comfort. Blaster let his own field relax and soothe over Soundwave's prickly, painful, distressed one. What could have caused this?
Blaster stumbled over a memory from the first day Soundwave decided to stay on the Ark and relinquish his place as a Decepticon. They had been sitting outside, watching the sun go down. Blaster had asked about Soundwave's past and Soundwave indulged him with a brief personal history.
All at once, Blaster's processor pieced together a puzzle he had long been uncertain of. Soundwave had said that he had been a slave once, long before the war. Many mechs had owned him and… how did Soundwave place it…
The memory file snapped open in Blaster's processor:
"Some masters: took it upon themselves to… break… the more difficult slaves"
Primus, how had Blaster never seen it before? The flinches early in their friendship when Blaster tried to touch him, the way Soundwave guarded his cassettes from other grown mechs like they could turn and grab them at any moment, Soundwave saying he was familiar with phantom pains when Ratchet was explaining it to them in the med bay.
Blaster shuddered and felt his tanks turn into a knot. He had received so many hints and nudges… how did he not piece them together.
"Primus, 'Wave… what did they do to you?" he whispered to the recharging mech.
Somehow, after tossing and turning for what felt like an eon, Blaster was able to slip into recharge. In retrospect… he must have been really tired.
Blaster woke with a comfortable weight on his frame. Groggily, he let his optics start to online. He attempted to lift his servo up to scrub at his optic, but found it somehow pinned to the berth. Half aware of this recent discovery, Blaster opted to rub at his optics with the other servo.
Blaster felt incredibly comfortable and warm. It was so tempting to give into the fuzzy pull and fall right back into recharge. Done with rubbing his optics, Blaster dropped his servo down to rest on his chestplates. His half-asleep processor lagged when he felt his servo land on something that wasn't his own chasis.
… wait.
Blaster's processor snapped awake as he looked down at his frame. The memories of the night before flooded back into his mind as he observed Soundwave curled up snug into his arms. The blue mech was curled up, chestplates down on top of Blaster's frame. Deep in recharge, his servos clung to Blaster's sides as if his life depended on it. The crested helm was tucked comfortably on Blaster's shoulder.
Blaster practically swooned at the moment. Soundwave's breathing was so shallow and soft, he was obviously still deep in recharge. A wave of fondness washed through Blaster as he gingerly stroked his servo along those strong backstruts.
Much to Blaster's utter delight, Soundwave seemed to enjoy the sensation and the telepath smiled in his sleep. It was, perhaps, one of the most delightful things Blaster had ever seen.
However, all good things had to come to an end. Blaster tried to stamp every moment into his processor as Soundwave slowly lifted out of recharge. The blue mech let out a soft sigh and tightened his hold to Blaster. Then he nuzzled his faceplates deeper into their cuddle, Primus that was cute. Slowly, those amber optics booted online. They were incredibly dim at first. Still half aware of himself, Soundwave looked up and met optics with Blaster. He blinked a few times in a daze. Their faceplates were so close. Blaster could almost envision waking up like this every morning. All he would have to do each day was turn his helm in the slightest to press a kiss to Soundwave's lips.
Soundwave's optics shuttered off for a moment, then blinked in a sudden bright shock. Immediately, he drew back out of Blaster's arms. Despite himself, Soundwave's faceplates darkened into a deep flush. He pushed himself up to sit on the berth and watched as Blaster did the same.
"Sorry," Blaster smiled, "you looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake ya'".
Soundwave shook his helm and slowly returned the smile, however the flush to his faceplates didn't budge. "Thank you, I hope I didn't keep you in berth longer than intended", he murmured.
"Naw, I just woke up" Blaster dismissed with a wave of his servo. Soundwave looked relieved.
It wasn't nearly as awkward as the last time they woke up together… that being said, it was still just a little bit odd. A long silence spanned as Soundwave and Blaster stared at each other, unsure of what to say.
"Blaster?" Soundwave started suddenly.
"Yeah, 'Wave?" Blaster paused in the middle of climbing out of berth. Seeing the look on his friend's faceplates, he settled down to sit again.
"Thank you", Soundwave's optics were suddenly fixated on his lap as he spoke, "I wish to apologise for my unusual behaviour last night. I hope I didn't disturb you too much, and I don't want you to think I am ungrateful. Your presence was very comforting. You make me feel safe… thank you".
Blaster's optics softened and he inched closer to his roommate. Moving slowly, he reached out and pulled his friend into a hug. Soundwave looked shocked at first before gradually wrapping his arms back around his companion to return the embrace.
"Don't be sorry," Blaster murmured in his audio, "I'm just glad I was there for ya, 'Wave. I'll always be here for you". He tightened his hold to give Soundwave a slight squeeze, "I know you haven't exactly had an easy life, and I'm sure it weighs on you sometimes. If you ever want to talk about your past, I'm here".
When he pulled back from the hug, Soundwave was looking at him in shock. As a telepath, he was used to being able to read others like open books. He was not at all used to others figuring things out about him so easily.
He hesitated for a moment before asking, "How did you know my night-flux was about something from my past?".
Blaster puzzled over the question for a moment before giving a small shrug. "That's a good question, 'Wave. I don't exactly know how I figured it out; I just did."
Soundwave nodded slowly. A beat passed before he suddenly reached out and pulled Blaster into another tight embrace. Blaster gasped in surprise at the sudden change, but was more than happy to give in. Soundwave had never initiated contact like this with him before. Everything had been offered by Blaster first.
Blaster rubbed a soothing servo along Soundwave's dorsa. He couldn't help but notice how tense it was, but he didn't dare breach the new level of intimacy they had suddenly established by giving Soundwave a proper massage. Soundwave's faceplates felt warm pressed to his throat. In fact, Blaster could almost swear Soundwave was blushing again. The boombox smiled to himself. This felt right.
As quickly as he had started it, Soundwave pulled back out of Blaster's arms. The telepath now seemed mortified with himself for such an act of intimacy, so Blaster squeezed his servo and smiled encouragingly at him… just to let him know it was alright.
Slowly but surely, Soundwave smiled back. Without another word, the two mechs climbed out of berth to begin their day.
Reflector was running out of excuses.
The trio shrunk down as Megatron brooded down at them. The warlord was silent in his throne, his fingers drummed rhythmically at the armrest of his seat. Reflector couldn't help but feel like they were a mouse being stared down at by a hungry cybercat.
"Explain to me again why you have no pictures for me" Megatron growled.
"Well… you see, My Lord" Reflector started nervously, "Soundwave hasn't been coming outside lately".
"Yes," another Reflector picked up, "since you showed him the pictures, we took… he's been avoiding us". All three small mechs nodded in unison, but Megatron's disapproving glare didn't falter.
Slowly, dangerously, Megatron leaned forward in his seat. Reflector shrunk back. "Let me ensure I understand you completely", Megatron's voice carried that sickly sweetness that guaranteed nothing good was about to happen. "You were able to get pictures of Soundwave for almost a week after he found out you were watching him…" Megatron's voice shifted into a booming yell, "but now, all of a sudden, you haven't seen the bloody mech in over a week?!"
Reflector shrunk down in fear. They nodded pitifully, but even they could see the holes in their lie.
"Well, if you're so incompetent at taking pictures from afar, why don't you try going inside the Ark?" Megatron snarled.
The trio gaped up at him. "But, My Lord!" Reflector cried. "We are not spies! Our power lies in far away observation". All three flinched back in terror when Megatron abruptly stood from his throne.
"You will do as I say," Megatron snarled. His heavy peds closed in on the shivering bots, "I am your commander, and you will get me those pictures when I tell you to!".
Reflector cowered back from the warlord. With an easy swipe of his servo, Megatron snatched one of the trio up. The two left standing cried in terror.
Megatron's voice dripped with honey as he spoke, "need I remind you that this task should only require the efforts of one mech?". The triplet in his grasp wriggled fruitlessly and let out a small pained whimper. "Unless you wish to become a team of one, I suggest you get inside that Ark and take those pictures for me… unless you are hiding something?" As he finished his remark, Megatron turned his attention to the Reflector in his grasp. His servo tightened threateningly. The small mech in his grip whimpered in pain.
"Wait!", Megatron's attention turned back to one of the trio standing on the floor. The minibot flinched at the attention, but continued, "we haven't been spying on Soundwave anymore… He caught us and threatened us, so we stopped". Megatron's grip on the mech in his servos tightened. "Please! The Reflector on the floor begged, please don't hurt him!".
The grey mech simmered for a moment, his optics turned back to the minibot in his servo. Reflector whimpered and shrunk away from the gaze. For a moment Megatron considered crushing him then and there for insolence… but then again… Reflector -the whole Reflector- may be needed again one day.
"You're off the case, clearly you are too incompetent for this task" Megatron hissed. With no effort at all, the warlord threw the mech in his grip across the room to the door. The minibot hit the closed door before crumpling to the floor without a sound. The other two counterparts dashed across the room and pulled the injured mech up to his shaky peds.
"Get out of my sight" Megatron snarled as he walked back to his throne. By the time he took his seat, the throne room was empty.
Megatron stared at the empty room. He glanced over his right shoulder to where Soundwave used to stand, then to the destroyed communications hub which Soundwave used to operate.
Then Megatron laughed.
Nothing could be heard in the entire west wing of the Nemesis that day. Nothing except for the distant echoes of Megatron's laughter bouncing off the walls. Any mech who started towards that part of the ship heard the laughter and turned the other way. It was the safer thing to do.