Thank you so much to Bamberlee for editing!
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Bonus Points: Whoever called the coffee Dauntless Brothers, please allow me to send you a Dutch Bros gift card. I seriously laughed so hard when I saw that lol. I exist solely because of them.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Behind him, the sky is grey and stormy, violent as the storm rolls in.
He is not.
His smile is warm, the same as it was in the picture of us, and his eyes are green. His uniform might be dark, the collar popped up, the sleeves stiff and the blue strip on his arm vibrant, but he doesn't look like he's from Dauntless.
He could be from anywhere once you took away the uniform.
"Wait! Everly no! I need to know! I have to reserve a table and-"
I hang up without meaning to, because I've stopped paying attention to Rylan. I shove the phone in my pocket, and I head right toward him.
Harrison watches me before he steps forward, and I feel the same way I did when he crouched down to play with Zander. The same connection is there, strong and unwavering, and it's impossible to think about anything but the realization that I'm looking at my father.
Not the one who was currently somewhere in Erudite, whisked away while I was in Dauntless and who had yet to return. But Harrison, the one from the photos. The one who had smiled when he held me in a picture taken forever ago. The one who looked like Zander, had the same color eyes as me, and the same mischievous grin as Forrest.
Everything clicks together, and I could slap myself for not figuring this out sooner.
Maybe I didn't want to.
Maybe putting the puzzle pieces in their rightful place would hurt. Admitting my mother had a life before my father –one which was interwoven so tightly there was no way for her to separate it –made her too human. It brought up all kinds of questions I didn't have the answers to and would never get out of her.
But now, the answer is right in front of me.
"Hi."
I approach him slowly, and he approaches me the same way. His boots are as shiny as Eric's, but he commands a different level of respect. I can tell he's just as dangerous and just as quick, but he's unlike Eric with how gentle he is, especially his expression. He stares at me the same way everyone does these days –first to make sure I'm not hurt, then to make sure I'm really not hurt –before his stare relaxes.
"Hi Everly."
The way he says my name is painstaking, and he stops a step away.
"Is my mom here?" I look around, expecting to see her, but I don't. All I see is forest, dark and sprawling and covered in faint snow, and the backdrop of Amity. Members stumbling in as they prepare for the weather to take an even sharper turn, and kids running along and trying to catch snowflakes. They're far enough away from us that the sounds of them are muffled, and it only amplifies the slow, dream like state of this encounter. "Did you bring her back?"
He hesitates.
It's like watching myself try to avoid a question, and I know the answer is no.
His stare skates over me, into the depths of Amity behind me.
"She had to stay there. Hank is not…he's not doing so great. I told her I'd come back and talk to you." Harrison answers carefully. He stays put, letting me come closer to him.
In this second, I'm reminded of Eric. Eric liked to watch the world unfold, giving people the chance to prove how stupid they are. He was careful to let people reveal their true selves, which handed him the ultimate advantage. Harrison doesn't want that, but he's giving me the chance to go talk to him or leave and pretend none of this is happening.
"Is she okay?" I stop right in front of him, and the look on his face changes. There's a flash of guilt, and I want to tell him I've been struggling with it all week. "No?"
"She's alright. There's not much anyone can do. Daniel has been working hard to find answers, but there are complications."
"What kind of complications?" I stare at him, and in this moment, I wish he'd tell me who he really is. It's selfish given why he's here, but I wanted him to tell me everything.
Why he'd never once come around to see how I was.
Why he didn't live here.
Why he'd left.
My chest feels overwhelmingly tight at the thought. It was odd to want someone around who I didn't know, but it felt the same as being homesick for Eric's apartment.
Neither of these things were mine, but they felt like they should be.
"It's an unusual case. He's got the labs working on it now. Daniel put some pressure on Jeanine, and she gave him what he wanted." Harrison answers carefully, and I wait.
Around us, the snowfall is dizzying. It picks up with the wind, sticking to my hair and my sweater, and it lands on his collar.
He's so close I could touch him, but he stays perfectly still.
"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I should have come back sooner," Harrison looks at me, and the hollow space in my chest tightens.
I know what he's doing. He's giving me the chance to take this one of two ways: We can both pretend he's talking about my father, or I can ask him if he is my real father.
The decision sways back and forth, tempting me with ignorance or bliss.
I figure I don't really have much left to lose.
"Did you ever come back to see me? When I was little?" I take a small step closer to him, and everything hurts. "I found the notebook on our bookshelf. I found the names and the percentages and the map of Dauntless. I found a picture of you and me from years ago. You're…you're not just here to tell me about my father, are you? You're here to tell me you are my father."
The agony of the situation cracks apart.
His relief is plain as day. After years of keeping this a secret, or trying to, it's obvious this situation has weighed down on him.
"I left the notebook on purpose. I figured you would find it one day and figure it out," he looks down, and his gaze is heavy. "I did come back for a while. For a long time, actually. Once Hank came around, things got weird. It became…obvious he had a permanent place here and I did not."
"Does Forrest know?" I ask him, and his expression turns guilty. "Does everyone know but me? The people in Amity? Everyone in Dauntless?"
"I'm sure most assume. Forrest knows. He was older when I had to leave and your mother asked that no one say anything to you. Hank wanted to make things work and it was too complicated having both of us showing up. You didn't like him for a while. He loathed the idea that you weren't as accepting as Forrest was and my presence put a strain on that."
"Do you live in Dauntless?" This question seems dumb, but I realize I can't be sure of anything. "Eric said you asked him what his intentions were when it came to me."
This makes him smile.
He cracks the barest of grins. "I do live there. My plan was to work for a few years, fulfill my obligations and split. I wasn't planning on your mother marrying Hank. As for Eric, of course, I asked. I've worked with him long enough. I wanted to make sure he wasn't dicking around."
For the first time in my life, there's a flash of fatherly support thrown my way. It feels funny, someone caring about my wellbeing in a different way than how it looked to others. It also feels good.
It's something I'm not familiar with.
"Eric is a force to be reckoned with. He has almost no one who can tell him no, and he knows this. When I heard he was interested in someone in Amity, I wanted to make sure it wasn't for the reasons I thought it was. I was wrong when I assumed the worst of him, but I didn't want him to hurt you. He's not one of the nicer members of Dauntless."
"I'm hearing that a lot," I confess, and he shrugs.
"In his defense, he's not supposed to be nice. He leads the faction. His job is to be strong and fearless, to set an example of what's expected. But it gives him the reputation of being an asshole, that and his general dislike of almost everyone there. He's not who I would've hoped you'd end up with, but he's proven he's worried about you. This whole situation is driving him up the wall. For once, it's not a problem he can solve with his fists."
I find myself smiling. The confirmation of what Eric felt for me feels good, even if it would be a struggle for anything to really happen. "I went to Dauntless for the Leadership Dinner. I saw you there and…"
I stop when his smiles falters for a moment.
"I saw you, too. I also saw you leave with Eric." He gives me a look, and I realize this is what I've been missing in my life. The man who I had thought was my father had never expressed any concern past me not wanting to marry Landon and how it would come across for the family. My mother wasn't telling me to run from Eric because she'd already experienced the same thing I was going through. Harrison is looking at me like he just busted me sneaking out.
Which I sort of did.
"How is he? I haven't seen him in a few days." I try to change the subject, but Harrison is smarter than that.
"I know you talk to him all the time. He spends more time looking at his phone than anything else these days. He's fine. Pissed off as usual, annoying with his demands, but fine. He's mad he's been in Erudite and he can't get out of it."
"I don't think he's annoying."
"Oh, I know you don't," Harrison answers quickly, and his next words are what I've been waiting to hear. "Everly, I'm sorry no one ever told you. I want you to know it wasn't my decision and I respected what your mother asked. But I've made sure you were alright. I tried to come back whenever I could. I have people watching Landon. Eric has soldiers everywhere here, trying to keep them away from you. I just…if I could go back, I wouldn't have left her. I would have taken her with me."
His words are familiar, wrought with heartache and regret, and I nod.
"Do you know my dad doesn't really like me? He never has. He didn't even believe me about Landon," I blurt this out without thinking, and I want Harrison to like me. There's a desperate wave of something I've never felt before, a longing to have someone understand what was going on.
Eric did, on some level.
But not like this.
There's also a wave of guilt at this confession. I'd forgiven my dad for not believing me, but the sting hadn't gone away entirely.
"You didn't like him for a long time. You didn't want him around and he didn't like that," Harrison pauses, and he reaches out gingerly. He touches the sleeve of my sweater, warm and worn, and his smile holds years of separation between us. "I'm sorry he didn't listen. Hank is a good man. I think it hurt when you didn't immediately take to him. I know he likes you, though. If he didn't, I'd have stepped in. It's not an easy task to take on someone else's children and raise them as your own. He had to feel some resentment from you, even if you didn't mean it."
"So you're…you're my real father, and Forrest's real father and…" I stop before I can mention my youngest brother, but I don't have to.
Harrison nods again.
"Zander is mine. I'm trying to fix the mistakes I've made. It's not easy, and in fact, if I were anyone else, I couldn't be here at all. I wasn't planning on having any more children. But it's easy to see he's not Hank's."
"Do you have a family in Dauntless?" The questions come one after another, evoking a wave of jealousy that is hot. Had I lived in Dauntless, my life would have been completely different. "Do you have a wife and kids there?"
"No," he answers immediately. "The only person I have ever loved is your mother. I was hoping you'd pick Dauntless. I thought maybe you'd choose it over Amity, and I would get to have you around. I'm proud of you regardless. Eric fills me in on everything that happens, and I don't think anyone else here would have tried to fight off Landon. I think it goes unsaid that you're pretty brave and—"
He doesn't finish his sentence.
The amount of surprising grief I feel forces my eyes to shut. I didn't know him past what I was learning, but I wish I did. I wish he'd been around, or maybe I'd lived elsewhere, because not once had anyone ever really been proud of me.
Annoyed that I didn't fit in, sure. Desperate for me to have a place in Amity and not make any waves? Yes. Glad I was alive? Or could babysit? Or was someone to work here and help grow the faction? Absolutely.
But proud?
Never.
I'm so thrown off I don't even realize what I'm doing.
My head hits his chest, and his arms are around me before I know what's happening. It's a lot like the way my dad hugged me, tightly, desperate to convey what he couldn't say, except this is completely different.
I keep my eyes closed for a long time, because with them shut, he feels like being home.
"Did you ask him if he's your father?
Eric watches me from his perch against the counter. His eyes are trained on my fingers, and I focus on not chopping one off. Every so often, I think he's going to come and yank the knife away from me. He does his best not to flinch when I cut too close, and he clears his throat when I pause, trying to figure out how much to cut up.
He'd shown up right after Harrison had left.
I knew Harrison's confession in the middle of the pathway was just the tip of the iceberg. It was obvious there was more to his story than he let on, maybe more than I'd ever know. The rest of our unspoken questions were halted when my phone rang again, and this time, it wasn't Rylan demanding I come to his party, but Eric.
He announced he was coming by and then asked to speak to Harrison.
Two mmmhmmms and one eyeroll later, Harrison announced he was leaving.
I hesitated to say goodbye. It was unfair that I'd finally gotten him to tell me who he was, and it was like we were being robbed of our chance to really talk. But he explained he was being sent to Erudite to see Jeanine, and Eric was coming here. Harrison didn't seem mad, more like he expected this, and he handed my phone back with a smirk.
A whopping two minutes later, there he was.
I had the advantage from where I stood of seeing him before he saw me. I flashed back to the first time I crashed into him, unaware of how my whole world would be turned upside down with one single interaction. He walked with the same, arrogant saunter. His gaze swept over the Amity faction with a look of disinterest. His eyes were unenthusiastic; they narrowed at the new lush piles of snow against the trees, and they skipped over the members as though they were beneath him.
His sneer stopped when he saw me.
His head tilted, the arrogance rising up again as he bit his cheek, and the sharp jut of his jaw told me he was daring someone to ask him why he was here, or what he wanted from me.
He didn't blink, other than when Carole squawked at him from her porch to call off his lapdogs. She ranted how she'd never killed anyone, then corrected herself to say she'd never killed any chickens, then openly confessed if she wanted to, she would guess one had to cook a chicken in oil followed by one unhinged laugh.
He paid no attention to her or her blurted out confession.
He walked toward me, his stride powerful and long, but easy.
Harrison had been wrong.
Eric might not have been able to get his way with his fists, but he'd gotten it today. He'd sent Harrison to deal with whatever he'd left in Erudite and he'd come here, proving he could get his way.
Now, he stands in the kitchen, looking irritable.
"Clearly you've never trained with anything knife related before." Eric's bark breaks my train of thought, and I look up in surprise. He leaves the side of the counter to come stand behind me, and a mere second passes before my back is against his chest. His arms snake around me, one encompassing my waist to pull me back, and the other slickly plucks the knife from my fingers. "Even Four has better form than this."
His hands cover mine, and there's an elegance to how easily he moves.
"That cuts deep, Eric." I joke.
He snorts in response, but he sighs when I sink against his chest and let him take over.
He works quickly.
He dices up the chicken, hopefully not one that Carole had been near, and it's mesmerizing. At one point, he nudges me closer to the counter, and he helps me dice the pieces up even smaller. The vegetables are next, and we're both quiet as he lops the head off a piece of broccoli.
"Do you cook a lot?" Eric murmurs, sweeping the carrots and snap peas together. "It doesn't matter. I can teach you how to cook. Or not. I'll make you dinner whenever you want, Amity."
I nod my head, not sure which one I'm answering but it doesn't matter. In a shocking turn of events, he's the one talking and I'm the one being quiet.
It's not for any crazy reason.
I was still reeling from discovering the man I'd grown up with isn't who I thought he was. While Harrison being my father is news to me, I have a feeling Eric knew. I didn't think he'd have anything negative to say about the situation; he'd praised Harrison for his work in Dauntless, and he frequented his bar.
It just felt personal.
The secret swirled around my head, making me wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to go to Dauntless and my own father would have been there.
"Do you think I could have made it through Four's class?" I watch as Eric neatly tosses everything into the pan on the stove. He'd been the one to turn it on, and I wondered who taught him to cook. "If I had picked Dauntless?"
"No."
Eric angles his elbows in tighter, not even bothering to pretend he's not trying to keep me close.
"Really?" My disappointment is apparent, because he nods, and his chin touches the crown of my head. "Not even if I tried hard?"
"No. Four's not a bad trainer, but there is no individual attention given to initiates. You might stand a chance if someone could personally train you, but you'd be at a disadvantage from the start." His answer is even, and there's not even the malice I would expect. "Before you get any ideas, I'm not backing Four as a trainer. I think he's questionable at best. However, he does follow the rules given. He trains anyone who shows up, and scores them appropriately. A few years ago, he had a personal interest in a few initiates, and it blew up in his face."
"Would you have helped me? What if I bumped into you in a hallway in Dauntless?" I lean back further, and his snicker is immediate.
"No."
"Yes, you would have!" I protest, and he shakes his head. His arms relax as he reaches for seasoning, and he eyes the top of the stove with disdain. "What? You don't like stir fry?"
"I do, I just don't know who you're cooking for. Aren't you the only one here?"
He's rightfully suspicious.
My brothers and sisters have not returned home, not entirely. I still wasn't insulted. They were running back and forth between May's and Forrest's, and honestly, it was fine. It was the first time I wasn't responsible for them. While I missed them, I wasn't the one waking them up for school or making sure they brushed their teeth. They came home sporadically. Wesley had snuck in to grab a few shirts, and Holly had skipped down the stairs, giggling to Paisley about someone in her class.
I just didn't want to explain to Eric that I really had no clue how to cook for less than an army.
"I was hoping you'd stay for dinner. Since you sent Harrison to Erudite," I answer brightly, and I notice the start of a slow smile from him. "I think I made enough."
"You made enough for the whole faction," he mutters. "And then some."
He sprinkles whatever seasoning he picked out on top of the vegetables, and he turns to look at me. I stare at him, his black shirt short sleeved despite the weather and his black pants, and he exudes Dauntless. His hair is parted, the tattoos on his forearm curl around the harsh muscle, and the heavy rings in his ears look larger.
He observes me standing there, the pink dress grazing the tops of my feet, the sleeves ruched and not at all warm, and my bare feet.
His eyes don't leave me, and I wonder what he thinks.
If the person he's been sneaking out to see couldn't look more like they were from Amity, or if he secretly liked it. Christina had been dressed normally, her shirt and pants dark, and I didn't see anyone who really stood out.
Maybe that's why he kept coming back here.
"Rylan asked if I was going to his party. I would say yes, but I don't have a way to get there, nor do I know what he's celebrating," I tell him, and he leaves the stove. He walks over to me, just a few steps from where he was standing, and he stops to glance down. I crane my head up at him, right as his fingers touch my hair.
He works quickly.
He undoes the way I've pinned it back, and it falls down and almost immediately toward him.
"He's celebrating the day he became a leader." His answer is quiet, and so is the way he touches my neck. He skims over where Landon had tried to choke me, and his thumb strokes over the very point where Landon knew to press. "Every year he celebrates his anniversary. He says it was the best day of his life."
"Is he a good leader?" I don't move, and Eric's gaze is miles away.
"Yes. I'm sure you've figured out he can be out of control, but at the end of the day, there's no one more loyal than Rylan. He would go to the ends of the Earth for anyone he cares about. Which is why he wants you there."
"Do you think I can go?" I close the tiny gap between us, and he blinks. I reach up to touch his shirt, and he lets me slide my arms around his neck to pull him down. "I like to celebrate. I tried to find him a gift but all I found was a haunted doll."
He cocks a pierced eyebrow at me. "A haunted doll? Where?"
"At the market," I inch closer, and I figure I might as well tell him I saw his father. "I um, I went with Jerry. When I was there, I saw…"
I trail off, and Eric waits.
Patiently.
His gaze falls to my mouth, and when it returns to my eyes, I know he knows.
"I saw your dad."
There is silence.
Unending, thick silence working us apart until he speaks.
"He told me," Eric finally answers, and his tone is unimpressed. "He asked if I would bring you to dinner sometime."
"He was very nice," I half whisper this, because now he looks annoyed. "He said-"
"He's not nice. I'm sure he came off that way, but you don't know him. There's no reason for you to get to know him. He's disappointing once you figure out he never stops working and there is nothing more important in his life than his work. He might have been nice to a girl from Amity bumping into him, but you'll gain absolutely nothing from eating dinner with him." Eric snaps, and his gaze burns against mine.
My chances of eating dinner with Daniel vanish, but I don't want them to. I liked his dad. I felt like he was very kind, and he seemed to like me. Superficial reasons at best, but it was something.
"I should have told you. He's helping my father and I wanted to ask how he's doing," I chew on my lips and Eric's fingers tense. One hand drops to my lower back, and the other moves to the nape of my neck. His nails scrape as he pulls me closer, shaking his head.
"I know. He didn't have any information when I called. He said he'd call me back and never did." The annoyance in his voice is understandable, but also not entirely annoyance.
"He bought me a cookie and invited me to dinner," I grin, watching him roll his eyes. "I liked him. Maybe you and I could give him a chance. He made my day better."
"Well there you go," Eric mutters, and he drops his head down before I can tell him I also saw Ashley. "The hero we all need. Daniel Coulter, saving the world one dessert at a time."
He kisses me before I can laugh, or protest that I truly liked his father. His lips touch mine slowly, and he moves his other hand to my back. He turns us around so my back hits the counter, then picks me up to sit me on the counter. He shoves the cutting board away, then the knife, and he takes my face in his hands.
His palms are warm, even though his eyes aren't.
"He'll disappoint you, too. Don't let him fool you."
Those words are the last thing I hear.
Eric kisses me so hard my head hits the cabinet. His mouth attacks mine, nipping and biting until my hands slide into his hair, and I feel him grin. He kisses alongside my jaw, below my ear, and I squirm when his teeth scrape over my neck.
I'm so lost in the moment that both of us jump when the knock interrupts us, loud and impatient.
"So you know? And…. you know?"
Forrest watches Eric and me with a look of hope. He stares at Eric longer than would be acceptable, but Eric isn't bothered by the perusal of his dark shirt and short hair. Forrest is only looking to see if he can piece something together about Harrison; he's searching for a connection between the factions, however he can find it.
"I saw him talking to you, and then I saw him hug you!" Forrest continues, triumphant as ever, but Eric looks less triumphant. His gaze slides over to me slowly, over the large bowl of chicken stir fry he'd made, until it reaches my face.
"He hugged you?"
"Yeah, he told me. He and I talked about the notebook and how I found it and read that he was our father, and he…confirmed it. He said he tried to come back for a while, but it got too complicated. He hugged me once I knew it was really him." I twirl the noodles around my fork, wondering if this bothered Eric for some reason. "Should I not have hugged him?"
"No, you can hug him. Harrison is just…very…unemotional," Eric shrugs, and I wonder if he realizes the irony in his statement. "I've never seen him hug anyone. He asked me about you, but I know he was making sure you were alright."
"So now what? What are you going to do?" Forrest stabs a piece of chicken with his fork, and he waves it around wildly. "Everly?"
"Where is Willow? Did you leave her with everyone to come over here?"
"She's sleeping. Zander is sleeping. Paisley is on the porch with some guy, Holly is fixing my shirt, and Wesley and Leif are doing homework. They already ate. I had to work late but Dad told me he talked to you."
"Dad?" I repeat, and the rush of betrayal is quick. "You're calling him Dad?"
"He is my dad. And yours! Hank is a good guy, but at the end of the day, he's not our real father," Forrest looks defiant with this statement, then he shakes his head. "That sounds so rude. I love Hank, I do. I just…I got to know Harrison over the years and I've never thought of him any other way." He pauses to take a bite, and his eyes light up. "This is really good! Are you sure you made it?"
Beside me, Eric smirks.
He kicks my foot under the table, and I throw Forrest a withering glare.
"Most of it."
"I knew it. It's too edible." Forrest laughs, but it's not mean spirited. "I'm just teasing you. It's just that, Everly here, has never shown much interest in making dinner. I figured that's why everyone is at my house."
"They can come home. I just have initiation and it's probably safer for them to be with you," I say slowly, hoping he remembers things weren't exactly quiet around Amity. "I'd hate for them to be here when Landon shows up."
"You think he will?" Forrest pauses with his fork in the air, and he looks at Eric, not me. "You haven't…uh, handled him yet? I keep hearing how you're here to steal Everly. I thought for sure you'd be all over Landon for hurting her."
Eric chews his food with a dark glare, and I half expect him to not answer.
"Your sister picked the wrong faction. I'm going to take her to her rightful one," he swallows and shrugs. "But I have orders to keep her here for now. They think it'll screw things up if she vanishes in the middle of the night. Landon won't get close again. I promise you that much."
"I see," Forrest takes another bite of his dinner, and gazes thoughtfully at the ceiling. "And how are you going to take her with you? Aren't people watching? Is Harrison watching?"
"All the time," Eric shrugs, and he's unbothered by Forrest's very legitimate question. "Don't worry about how I'll get her to Dauntless. I can, and I will. Simple as that."
"Sure," Forrest agrees, and I watch the two of them go back and forth. They both eye the other one mistrustfully, and it's sort of funny. "Are you going to marry her? Or…what?"
Eric stops eating.
He doesn't so much tense up as he does try his best not to look at me. Given his reaction to the subject, it's very obvious the idea of marriage is something far beneath him. I couldn't imagine he would want a wife, much less want to be someone's husband. There was no honor in such a title for him. I don't know what he planned to do in Dauntless if he brought me there, but my guess is our relationship would stay the same.
Together, but apart.
"Do you want me to marry her?" Eric's words are so sharp I feel them scrape at my own skin, but they're directed at Forrest. "Do you think she can't take care of herself? That she needs to be married off? Wasn't that her whole issue with Landon?"
Forrest is stunned. He glances at me, furiously, like I can save him, but Eric has a good point.
So far, everyone assumed I needed everyone else to take care of me. First, I needed Landon to marry me, since it was obvious I couldn't live alone. When that plan fell through, I needed to stay with my parents, because they needed help and my own path was less important.
Now, I needed Eric to marry me, an idea which he'd already clearly dismissed, in order to stay alive.
I shake my head at both of them and decide maybe I'll marry no one. Maybe I'll move to an entirely different faction where neither my brother nor the Leader of Dauntless can sit at a table and discuss my inability to fight off the people who want to kill me or how I clearly couldn't do this alone.
I set my fork down with a slam, and they turn in surprise.
"Actually, I'm not marrying anyone. I can take care of myself. I already did. I punched Landon in the face when no one believed what he was doing and I went to the factionless meetings while you two didn't. So…maybe I don't want to get married. Maybe Eric is too old and maybe I'm moving somewhere else once initiation is over and no one can bother me." I pick the fork up, then stab my food to emphasize my point, and only Forrest reacts.
He leans away in surprise, and oddly enough, he looks to Eric for support.
He gets none.
Eric examines a piece of carrot intently, and he doesn't look happy.
"Um…well, okay but see Landon…" Forrest stumbles over his words, and he's guilty looking. "I wasn't saying you needed Eric to marry you so you'd stay alive, or maybe you do need Eric. Maybe that's…that's how this goes, that you leave with Eric and you're safe. I was thinking Eric would marry you because he likes you." He pauses, then steals a peek at Eric. "Which is why you're sitting in Amity, eating dinner, when I know you have all kinds of places to eat in Dauntless. Right?"
Eric eyes me, and I can only surmise that no one spoke to him like this. It had to be rare for someone to question what he was doing, or why he was doing it, and demand actual answers out of him.
In this case, he doesn't answer Forrest.
He looks at me, his lips turning down into a scowl, and he waits until I'm looking at him.
"I'm not that old."
"How old are you? Thirty eight? Forty?" Forrest dares to keep talking, and I suddenly hope he realizes he has to run home to Willow. "It's hard to tell. Not that there's anything wrong with being…older. Harrison is older and uh, okay that's a bad example."
"You did say I was too young," I remind Eric, and he cocks his head. "On the phone when you said you didn't want—"
"I already explained about Rylan," Eric snaps, and I quickly figure out this has nothing to do with me. "I'm trying to keep you alive. I promised you I would, and he has other ideas for what that means. I don't need –"
I wait for him to finish.
A girlfriend.
A wedding.
A wife.
Someone to ask him how his day was.
Anyone prying into his personal business.
I don't get the answer.
As if on cue, his phone rings, and he pulls it out of his pocket while he stares at me. He glances at the name across the screen, and he answers Four so darkly that I hope for his sake, Four has found Evelyn.
He hasn't.
A few minutes later, Eric hangs up, and wordlessly returns to his dinner.
I walk him out quietly.
I work not to shiver by pulling my sweater tighter. Eric had watched me pull it on silently, and he thinly asked if I had an actual jacket. I did; I had his jacket upstairs, but I didn't want to grab it. Ever since our dinner, he'd been flat out irritated over the fact that I said he was too old to marry.
The irony of this isn't lost on me.
I didn't really think six years was too much older than me. I didn't even care that he was older than me. It was interesting to see him annoyed over something he couldn't control. I got the feeling his new savior complex was wounded when I said I didn't need to marry him.
The most ironic part of all, was neither of us were the ones talking about getting married. Rylan had brought it up to Eric, and Forrest had brought it up to me. The question was a good one, and ultimately necessary: what would I do in Dauntless if I wasn't his wife?
If the situation were reversed, and Eric wanted to come live here, he could. While hilarious in thought, our faction was very accepting of anyone who wanted to join us. Johanna clearly had no issue with the factionless, and most didn't want to live here. They just wanted some temporary help or a place of respite before moving on. But if Eric showed up and announced he wanted to stay and work, he'd be allowed.
In a lot of ways, Amity refuted all the rules, but not for malicious reasons. If you could get along, be a productive part of the community, and help out others, you were welcomed. All Amity asked was that you participate. In the event that you couldn't physically work in our fields or wrangle sheep, there were other options and plenty of them.
I had no clue what Dauntless held. If I had to guess, I would assume you either became a soldier, took an office job, or worked at their bar. Maybe they had openings in the shops, or maybe there were jobs to feed the faction, like here.
None of those felt like the appropriate counterpart of someone who was a Leader.
I thought of this while Eric angrily chewed the dinner he had cooked. He and Forrest really didn't talk, and the awkwardness was cut short when Forrest bolted up and announced he had to go home. He helped wash his dishes, hugged me goodbye and half hissed he was sorry but he'd been wondering if Eric would force me to marry him and he knew arranged marriages weren't my thing, and then he was gone.
I cleaned up the rest of the dinner while Eric took another phone call –this one from Max, recapping who they'd found today and how they could use them to their advantage –then he hung up. He told me he had to go back to Dauntless now, and I offered to walk him to the truck.
He didn't argue.
He was silent as we passed May's house, and silent as we passed the stables.
He only spoke when we neared the very edge of Amity, and his truck loomed in the distance like an oversized predator.
"I'm twenty-four. Not forty."
He glances down at me out of the corner of his eye, trying not to look right at me. He throws this out not at all casually, but pointedly, to remind me that he'd told me this.
It was one of the pieces of information that he'd willingly offered up.
"I know how old you are," I look up at him, and my fingers brush his. He'd stayed a careful distance away, and he'd clenched his jaw the entire time. "But I don't know what I'd do in Dauntless. Forrest has a point."
"Anything you want," he answers quickly, and his fingers graze mine.
A second passes between us, and he looks further away as he takes my hand in his. His hand is warm as he holds on tightly, sliding his fingers between mine. I was starting to feel like the physical connection was important, but these gestures were more important. He didn't seem like someone who wanted to hold hands, nor like someone who wanted me to show up as his fiancée.
He was his own mystery, but I was doing my best to figure him out.
"I thought you didn't want a wife or a family," I figure he'll either answer or yank his hand away, and the whole moment is surreal. It's strange to walk along with him, and there's a pull to leave. To climb in the truck and ask that he not make me go back home. "The more I think about this, the more I'm not sure what you want or what…what this is."
His stare is stuck on the truck.
He slows down slightly, and he parts his lips like it's painful.
"I told you. I have no need for a wife or family. I don't think you understand this. I have a job to do there and in Erudite and –"
"Do you mean Divergents?" I interrupt him this time and his head jerks in my direction. "Are you still looking for them?"
"It's not my main concern right now, but yes."
"And if you found one, you would have to take them to Jeanine?" This question burns at my mind, and I have the nagging feeling I could fall into this category. The percentage was low, so low that it felt impossible that I disliked Amity so much, but it was still there and it could count.
I suddenly realize if I were to go with Eric, I'd be trapped.
His promise that he wouldn't hurt me might not hold up against Jeanine.
"Why are you asking me this?" Eric turns sharply, and he's right in front of me. "I promised I wouldn't hurt you. I promised I'd keep you safe. And now you're what? Afraid because your brother thinks I'm going to drag you to Dauntless and force you into some marriage? You just said you didn't want to get married, so fine. Don't get married. I certainly didn't ask you to marry me and I promise I never will."
"Would you even have asked?" I stare up at him, and I'm not afraid. The more I'm around Eric, the more I realize basic human emotions aren't easy for him.
Why would they be?
If he'd had all this power for so long, it would be easy for him to disregard anyone he thought was weak. Weak soldiers weren't what he wanted, and anyone weak would mean failure. The real struggle was this- holding my hand and wanting me to go with him but being pissed off that I didn't want to marry him and the inability to voice all this.
"No." He answers arrogantly, and his grip on my hand grows tighter. "I wouldn't. I'd just…I'd take care of everything myself. I'm not about to propose to anyone."
"Ever?" I smile up at his grey eyes, currently flashing with anger and a whole lot of other things, and I wonder if he's serious. "What if I wanted to marry you?"
"You shouldn't. That would be an incredibly stupid idea. You have no idea the risks it would bring or the target it would place on your back or what it even entails. There's paperwork, a ceremony at which all leaders are required to be present, and more bullshit that I have no interest in."
"What if I was older? What if I was nineteen? Would you ask me then?"
"Everly," Eric's eyes flash and I'm now familiar with the landscape of his patience. It's short. "You just said you didn't want to marry Landon and you don't want to marry me. So, if you're waiting for me to ask if you'd like to get married anytime soon–"
I cut him off by rising up on my toes to kiss him. He freezes for a single second, then drops my hand to grasp onto me. His desperation is amusing, the same way I'm sure my logic is amusing to him. He sinks his hands into my hair, clinging onto me the best he can, and he groans my name when he exhales. It echoes into the night, cold and biting, and I smile against his lips and he says it again, like a question.
"I accept your proposal, Eric." I kiss him once more, his face stunned and confused, and I find him more handsome than ever.
His lips part, but he closes his mouth, and looks at me like I've told him Johanna was hiding Evelyn in the stables.
His expression makes me smile even wider. He isn't mad that I said I didn't want to marry him, or that I asked him about hunting Divergents. He's not even mad that I'm stuck here while he's in Dauntless or that someone always seems to interrupt us just when things get good, or that I took his words to hint that he does want to get married.
He's mad that for the first time ever, he wants everything he claims he doesn't.
I don't hear from him for an entire day.
It's not surprising.
After I told him I accepted his proposal, which he definitely had not offered, he stared at me. His expression was pure disbelief, and for once, I had the upper hand.
I liked it.
Eric blinked and raised both his eyebrows at me, but I didn't give him a chance to point out he hadn't really asked me to marry him. I was figuring out he liked being in charge, and he wanted to save me, and taking me away from Amity was just that. It seemed like it felt good for him; his job hunting Divergents, reporting to his aunt, and perhaps even finding Evelyn, were slowly growing tiresome. He craved control over some aspect of his life, even with me.
So he didn't like my words that I didn't want to get married, because it was my terms, not his.
Deep down, I wasn't opposed to the idea. While I had no clue how to be his wife, I liked him. I liked being with Eric, I liked that he was concerned about me, and I liked that he had feelings for me. I liked his friends, I liked his dad, I even liked Camille. I was sure I could fit into Dauntless, and I was more sure than ever that this wasn't the juvenile crush it had started out to be. It wasn't even anything describable, but something more.
I would say it was love, because he was risking a lot by coming here to see me, and I was risking everything for the very idea of him, but Eric doesn't believe in love.
Ashley was slowly fading as someone I'd have to compete against, but that didn't mean I could just wait for Eric to show up and save me from a life of listening to Zander imitate a chicken. I would save myself, and I'd do it by calling him.
Eric answers immediately, his voice low and rough, and once I figure out the background noise –plenty of shouts and cheers, and even a few insults –I realize he's at Clyde's. The growl from his throat is quick; it's obvious he's had a little more to drink than normal, and his usual stoic persona splinters when he says my name, and someone starts clapping.
"I'll be back."
"Wait! No! I promise I won't say anything! I swear! I won't even ask her what she thinks of your new hair!"
Eric stands up from wherever he is, and I hear Rylan's protest. I hear Jason, too, laughing as he tells Rylan he's incapable of staying quiet, and the two argue until it's so faint that I can't hear them. There's a moment of silence, of Eric roughly telling someone to get out of his way, and then quiet again as he makes it out of Clyde's.
"What are you doing, Amity?"
He puts a slight separation between us, but not really. He says my real name right after, like he's sorry for not saying it in the first place.
"Everly?"
"I'm…trying to dye Zander's clothes so they're black. The first time made them darker, but he wants them black. I was just calling to see what you were doing," I answer carefully, dumping the bottle of black dye into the sink. It explodes in a delightful way, streaking through the water until the whole sink is dark. "I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't go to Rylan's anniversary party."
"Why?"
His voice is slow, and by now, I can picture the look on his face. Frustrated, but curious. "He really wants you to come. He said he'd be willing to put it off until you're here."
"I like him. I think he's fun," I grab a wooden spoon, stained dark with black, and I gingerly stir the clothes and water together. "I don't even know how I'd get there. I mean, do you really think I can go to Dauntless? Everything is a mess here. My mom isn't even back and apparently my father can't remember anything. The neighbor is watching my brothers and sisters. Jerry is…creating an elaborate set up to keep the squirrels out of his new fountain. Dauntless seems impossible."
Eric is quiet. I listen to the sounds of Dauntless around him, creaking echoes and faint shouting, and his heavy exhale.
"Then it would be the perfect time to come to Dauntless. None of what's going on is your responsibility."
His reminder is a good one. He's not wrong that I'm not the one who should be keeping the family together, but the guilt is immense.
"I meant to tell you, I talked to Daniel. Briefly. He was at dinner with Camille and he asked how you were," Eric offers this up like a peace offering, soothing the thought of things not going well. "Camille asked, too."
"Why was he at dinner with her? She's not your mom, is she?"
"No," he lets out a bark of humorless laughter. "She's his assistant. They were eating at the hospital. It's not unusual for him not to be home until the early morning. He didn't have anything great to report other than that your father is unusually angry and has asked to go home."
"Oh," I stare at the dark water, and I feel sort of defeated. This news isn't great, and it only lessens my chances of ever leaving the Amity faction. "Are you…did you think about what I said? I didn't hear from you today and I thought maybe I'd never hear from you again."
I'm met with the familiar response of Eric taking this in and not responding. He finally sighs, but it's not what I'm expecting.
"Oh, I thought about what you said. I made the mistake of telling Rylan. Christina has already volunteered as tribute to help plan the wedding party."
His words make me smile, stupidly, against a sink of black dye and toddler clothes. He's definitely not mad, but sort of resigned over his friend taking the idea and running with it.
"I didn't propose Amity, but I guess I could accept your proposal since you're so desperate to marry me." Now he sounds smug, and I can tell he's trying not to smile. "You can do whatever you want when you're here."
"Would I live with you?"
The idea blossoms out of nowhere, given that I've been to his apartment once. I wonder how it would feel to live there, or if I'd like living with someone else.
"Or do I have to live with Christina?"
He snorts. I hear him mutter a low hello to someone, but it's disinterested. "I think you'd rather stay in Amity than live with Christina."
"Do I get my own closet? At either apartment?" I step away from the sink to look out the window, and I smile despite the growing piles of snow. "Or just space for that one dress?"
"Here I am, trying to take you to your rightful faction, and you demand an entire closet. You better watch yourself," Eric answers lowly, and there's a muffled sound of someone yelling his name. "I gotta go back in there. Rylan has been here since lunch. I doubt he'll be able to walk home."
"Okay," I sigh, and I dread him hanging up.
He was no prince in shining armor, but he was the closest thing to happiness I had these days.
"Everly, are you okay?" Eric asks, and his tone changes. "You can have the whole closet. I don't care. I don't care what you do or what you don't do."
He pauses as I nod, and I know he can't see me, and that's a good thing.
His next words make my eyes close as I nearly buckle under the optimism of a life with him.
"You can have whatever you want. I just want you here, with me."
Jake's return is a complete surprise
It's even more of a surprise because I'm not actually in my initiation class but waiting patiently to talk with Johanna. I find him at the very top step, rocking back and forth on his heels while Johanna finishes writing something.
He looks at me with a grin, and his eyes light up.
"Hey! I didn't think I'd see you. Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Aren't you?" I smile back, but I'm not in the most amazing of moods. Since talking the other night, I hadn't heard from Eric. I might have screwed everything up by saying I would marry him, but I didn't think it was that. He'd kissed me before he left, one more quick press of his lips to mine, then stalked back to the truck without a single glance in my direction. I watched him drive off, and I caught a flash of his eyes in the side mirror, along with his smirk.
"I'm… actually here to talk to her about initiation and what I'll be doing after. I missed my meeting the other day, and Jerry told me to come here now."
"How is he? I bet he feels horrible about the stuff with Landon." Jake speaks quietly, and we both linger on the top step. "Everyone in my class is just waiting to hear what happens next. Karl offered to come work here but Eric told him to shut up and get back in class."
"They know?" I try to figure out if his new friends would care, but it's clear they do. "Did Four tell you?"
"Nah, he's gone. He never came back after Eric attacked him. I did see him the other day in the mess hall, but we've had Lauren for a few days. We had Rylan this morning, and uh, that was exciting. I'm not sure what type of soldier he's used to training, but my legs feel like jello. The dude made us run to the abandoned buildings and then back, twice. He did it with us and was barely out of breath. He only stopped to fix his hair."
"That's intense," I pause, and Johanna looks in our general direction. She frowns, and resumes scrawling something on the paper in front of her. "Did you like Four?"
"He was fine, but he lost interest in us after the first few weeks. He started to look stressed and then when you showed up, he looked like he was going to throw up. But I would, too, if I knew Eric was about to beat the shit out of me."
"Do you like Eric? What do people think of him?" I cross my arms, more to keep warm than anything, and he shrugs.
His uniform is new.
It's the same dark one Jason and Rylan have, and it has the same blue stripe on the arm.
I stare at it until he answers, and for some reason, the blue makes my stomach hurt.
"From the few interactions I've seen, it's safer to like Eric and stay out of his way than dislike him." Jake freezes, and his smile turns tentative. "I heard he really likes you. There's a rumor he's bringing you to Dauntless. No one knows it's you, but I sort of put it together when I saw you with him. Plus, a few people said they saw you at Clyde's. Some people said it wasn't you, but they didn't know who he was with."
"It was me," I smile, and out of the corner of my eye, I watch as Johanna puts her pen down. "I'd like to go there, but things are weird these days. I'm not really sure what's going on, or if I could leave. My dad was attacked and he can't remember anything. He's still in Erudite."
"What?" Jake is horrified, but before he can ask me anything else, Johanna calls us over. "Shit, wait for me after this. I want to make sure Hank is okay."
I nod, and I turn my attention to Johanna.
She smiles tightly, and the next ten minutes are one big misstep.
She listens to Jake with her head tilted, and every so often, she presses something on the keyboard in front of her. Her eyes flash at me when Jake insists that he's just here to make sure the cameras near the Dome are working, and he hints that she knows they aren't.
"We can go look at them now. Everly, will you wait here? I'll be right back. You can have a seat and we'll talk about your post initiation plans."
"Sure."
Johanna rises up, and I move to let her and Jake go past. I stand to the side, and once she's down the stairs, I turn my stare to her desk. The computer has gone dark, but I'm not looking at that.
The papers on her desk are from Dauntless, all demanding her signature and complete and total compliance with their army.
"What are you asking her to do?"
I duck my head down as I walk, waving hello to May and no one else. I push past the swarm of members taking up the entire pathway, and I have to forcibly move through the crowd. I have no idea what they're looking at or why they're congregating here, but only that they're in my way.
Eric sighs in my ear.
I hear a chair creak, and I bet he's in his office.
"We're asking her to cease her alliance with the factionless. By our command, she is to stop all contact, cease all aid, and cut all ties with Evelyn. She's being asked to provide us with the information we want, such as where Evelyn is or where she's hiding the army, and failure to do so makes Amity not just our jurisdiction, but our faction."
"What?" I gasp at this, and I'm nearly knocked out of the way by someone running past me. "Can you do that?"
"Yes," Eric's answer is flat, and our temporary engagement is long forgotten as he sighs even louder. "It's not ideal, but if she is unable to lead her faction in a manner that is not a threat to the others, we can temporarily take it over. We'll put someone in her place. It's a loophole that Jack Kang came up with last year in the event that a threat to a faction becomes greater than they can handle. It allows us full control until we've taken care of the issue at hand."
"Would you be here? Does that mean you'd stay here?" I near the edge of the crowd, and I come to a dead halt. "Oh my God. Oh my God, no! Eric are you watching? Are you watching this?!"
"What are you talking about? Everly? Everly!"
He says my name insistently, but I can't answer him.
"Fuck." I come to a stop beside Andy, and he stares at the edge of the pathway with his mouth open and his stare swinging back and forth.
There, sprawling out in neat lines, armed and ready to attack, is the factionless army.