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Dick: Highkey this generation has normalized a lot of nonsense
Wally: Rocks are like nature's hard candy like the butterscotch from granny's pocket but it's on the ground, and flavorless, but that's okay
Dick: On a scale of not to completely how much does your dentist hate you?
Wally: I gotta make a sandwich brb
*Like 3 days later
Wally: K I'm back
Dick: It took you that long to make a sandwich
Wally: You can't rush art
Wally: The best part of an oreo is the cookie not the frosting
Deal with it
Dick: Darkness without light is an abyss
Light without darkness is blinding
You cannot have a coin with one side
Wally: Yo socrates it's a f***ing cookie
Wally: In my third grade class this one kid got in trouble for saying be free my b*****es when we released the butterflies
Dick: #Iconic
Dick: Just went to Whole Foods and got to listen to a woman argue with this poor meat counter guy because she wanted grass fed chicken and he was trying to explain to her that chickens don't eat grass.
Wally: I high key forgot that yeah chickens don't eat grass.
Wally: If I was a criminal I would do all my crimes on a scooter so the police would only see one foot print every few feet and they'd look for a one legged man with powerful jumping muscles instead of me
Dick: As much as I love that idea
Wouldn't the scooter leave tracks too?
Wally:...
S***
Dick: I just saw an article about a tick that makes you allergic to meat when it bites you, like it reprograms your immune system
Wally: The vegans have launched their first attack
Dick: When she wants to hold hands before marriage
Wally: That's not very bible of you
Wally: My favorite health tip
If you have a frownie eat a brownie
Dick: You know in 1609 Virginia claimed about 90% of the country and parts of Canada and by 1863 we'd reduced it down to its current size
But with your donation we can reduce Virginia even further.
Wally: I'm in
Wally: *gestures at horsed* here are the stables
*gestures at the other, flickering, vibrating horses. One horse explodes* these are the unstables
Dick: Whenever I'm told 'the worst the could ever tell you is no
I remember Judge Judy saying 'If you were the trophy at the end of my race, I would walk backwards'
Wally: Savage
Dick: I'll stop being an over thinker when I stop being right about the things I was over thinking
Dick: Have you ever met the human version of a headache
Wally: Yes several times
Dick: I f***ing love toast.
What absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like 'cook it again'
Wally: What happens when you microwave a grape?
THEY EXPLODE!
Dick: Tim just told me 'I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm not tired, I just don't want to be awake.'
Normally that sort of thing would concern me but I honestly just felt that in my bones
Wally: I know what grapes do when you microwave them but what about an uncooked egg still in its shell?
Dick: Seems unwise but who am I to stop you.
Find out in the name on science
Wally: They also explode
In a much larger mess
Artemis is going to kill me
Dick: You could answer almost anything with 'not since the accident'
Wally: No you can't
Dick: Not since the accident
Dick: Whenever I get change from the store I always put it in a little jar when I get home. It doesn't seem like much but over time it adds up so on a rainy day when I'm hungry and don't have lunch money I can go to that jar and eat the coins
Wally: This did not go the way I expected it
Wally: You have eyes
Dick: Nice
Dick: You can heal from what I said or you can stay mad
Your choice
Wally: That is not an apology
Dick: It is when you're involved
Wally: This is hands down the most embarrassing thing I've ever done in my life.
I have to go into hiding
It's been nice knowing you
Dick: What happened
Wally: A waitress told me 'enjoy your meal' and I replied with 'love you too.'
Dick: I'm at that point in this pandemic when you will find me eating a whole family size lasagna in the shower by myself
Wally: Is the shower on?
Dick: Depends on the day
Wally: Hey can I borrow your phone charger
Dick: Y
Wally: Cause my phone is dying
Dick: Y
Wally: Can you stop asking Y
Dick: f(x)
Dick: True friendship is allowing a certain level of ghosting to go unmentioned
Dick: Gotta schedule a good cry soon, it's been a minute
Wally: Ocean pollution is a big problem but there is an obvious solution.
Racoons love to eat garbage, therefore if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea and eat the garbage.
I don't see how this plan could go wrong
We could even give them swords
Dick: You sold me with the sword thing let's do it
Dick: Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us
Hang them outside your house to as a warning to the others
Wally: I need the imagination level of the toddler I just saw
He drew a pillow on the sidewalk with chalk and then laid down for a nap
Dick: Just arrested a guy that was running from us but stopped to pet some cats
Wally: Priorities
Dick: I don't wanna get involved in the drama I just want to know 103% of the information on what happened
Wally: *Pats my own shoulder* It's gonna be okay dumb b****
Dick: y'oint
Y'yint've'mst
Wally: What does this mean
Dick: It's more about the emotion in invokes
Wally: Sick of people stumbling into the kitchen at 12-4 am asking me why I am cooking
It's called Dark Lunch you absolute troglodyte.
Get with the program
Dick: Alright fine geez
Dick: Will never forget the time I was out with Barbara, and, while I was waiting outside a bathroom for her, I saw some guy go into the men's room empty handed and leave with an icecream cone.
Wally: WTF
Did you investigate
Dick: Yes
I have no idea where he got it
Dick: Just heard some toddler ask 'Mom what is that human doing?'
I have no idea who he was referring to but same kid
Wally: At least during the 1918 pandemic they had cocaine in their soda
Dick: True
Dick: I get nervous when anyone yells STOP
What do I do?
Do I collaborate and listen? Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I fill my cup and put some liquor in it?
Wally: Drinking water with a minty mouth is the cold version of spicy
Dick: I picked up a banana to make it look like I was talking on the phone but the whole bundle came with it so I looked Tim dead in the eye and said 'I guess its a conference call.'
Wally: Did he think it was funny
Dick: I don't think he did at first until I made direct eye contact
Then he was doubled over
He wasn't expecting me to recover so quickly also one poking me in the eye may have contributed to his amusement
Dick: My kink is cooking in front of people who know which knife is made for what and forcing them to watch me use incorrectly
Like using a cheese grater for tomatoes
Wally: Just go ahead and burn in hell
Wally: I can't believe the only thing people can agree with in 2020 is that Carol Baskins killed her husband
Dick: I just went into some woman's house who had her mugshot framed for all to see
Wally: What a boss b****
Dick: The FDA issued a warning about black licorice
Wally: FDA- It tastes horrible
Wally: Need a PG way to say f*** b****es, get money
Dick: Disregard females, acquire currency
Although to be fair there really isn't a pg way to say that
Dick: Learning the rules to english
Their our know rules
Wally: Eye sea what yew did they're
Dick: Know, know, know. Its eye sea watt yew did they're, knot what dew it write
Wally: Eye wood dew it write butt eye dew knott wont two
Word of the day
troglodyte: A hermit
The more you know