And here, we're just adjusting the beginning of the episode up until the first confrontation between Kelso and Hyde.
You may be wondering, "are there any full rewrites of Season 5 episodes?" Well, don't worry, reader - I've saved the best (or at least, the most comprehensive) for last... stay tuned...
SHOW TITLE
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT
The last moments of the previous episode. KELSO, amiably confused, giggles at the sight of JACKIE and HYDE kissing through the patio door as ERIC and DONNA look on.
KELSO:
Why's Hyde kissing Jackie?
He looks to Eric, who looks down at his feet, and to Donna, who shakes her head. Slowly, he understands. He slams his soda down on the counter.
KELSO:
What the hell? He's dead!
DONNA:
Kelso...
He pays her no mind, but bolts to the patio door. When he tries to open it, however, it won't budge. He struggles with the door, even as Jackie and Hyde walk away.
KELSO:
Open, dammit! No, they're getting away!
(to Eric)
What is wrong with this thing?
ERIC:
Well, this is against my better judgment, but...
He flips down the lock on the door.
KELSO:
Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead!
He takes one step, and hits the screen door behind the patio door, knocking it off its frame.
KELSO (cont'd):
OW! That's invisible!
He throws the screen door to the ground and steps back inside.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Heartless" by Heart.
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT
Moments later. Eric and Donna lead Kelso over to the kitchen table and sit him down.
ERIC:
Donna, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding, and lots of it.
She nods, crosses to the fridge. Kelso stands and begins to pace.
KELSO:
Who chooses a chick over a friend?
ERIC:
What? Kelso, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard 'cause you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy?
KELSO:
No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you. And you could've played in the snow until we were done.
(points to door)
How long has this been going on?
Donna, giant bowl of pudding in hand, crosses to them.
DONNA:
I guess since we left for California.
KELSO:
WHAT?
DONNA:
You'd already ran out on Jackie by then, remember? She wanted to get married, you bailed, so she found someone else. Look at the facts, Kelso.
KELSO:
No. I don't care. I'm kicking Hyde's ass.
He moves for the door, but Eric blocks his path.
ERIC:
Whoa, Kelso, Kelso, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean...
DONNA:
Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
FLASHBACK. Hyde and Donna sit on opposite ends of the couch, watching TV, while Kelso stands and chews gum. He sneaks behind Hyde, leans over, and spits the gum into his hair. He gets maybe three full seconds to laugh before Hyde pulls him over the back of the couch, flips him over, and punches him in the eye.
KELSO:
(Groans)
That's my eye!
CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
FLASHBACK. On the porch, Eric and Donna sit in the chairs while Kelso hangs on the railing. Hyde steps out from the kitchen with a plate of brownies.
HYDE:
Nice.
He sets them down on the railing and heads back inside. Kelso bends over and licks both brownies. He's still doing that when Hyde comes back out with a glass of milk. He sets the milk down, wrestles Kelso onto the pavement, and punches him in the eye.
KELSO:
Ah! My eye!
He stands up, pouts, and then marches off in a huff through the garage.
CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
FLASHBACK. The El Camino is in the driveway, the radio on full blast. Hyde lovingly polishes the hood of the car while Kelso watches from the porch chairs.
Hyde goes to the garage. As soon as he's out of sight, Kelso hops up, drops his pants, and sits on the hood of the El Camino and wiggles his butt around. Unfortunately, he isn't out of Hyde's sight.
HYDE:
Bastard!
He races back out. Kelso hops off the car and tries to run around it.
KELSO:
No, no, stop! That's my butt print! Look at it! No two are the same!
Hyde catches and tackles him back behind the El Camino. We hear a very ugly THUMP.
KELSO:
Ow!
(Crying)
My eye!
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT
Back to the present. Kelso crosses back to the kitchen table and sits down.
KELSO:
Well, what am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code! He's wrong!
He looks to Eric for support; Eric shrugs and gives a reluctant nod.
KELSO (cont'd):
He's, like, my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back.
Donna steps forward with a cheery smile and the bowl of pudding. Kelso takes it and start eating.
DONNA:
So, Kelso, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
Kelso takes a long look around the kitchen.
KELSO:
Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
Eric and Donna sit on one end of the couch, and Kelso on the arm of the other. "How Long" by Ace plays on the radio.
KELSO:
I can't believe that you knew Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
DONNA:
We didn't tell Jackie when you were cheating on her with Laurie.
KELSO:
(scoffs)
That is not the same!
DONNA:
Why not?
KELSO:
Laurie wasn't Jackie's best friend! And neither was Pam Macy. Or Mrs. Ferguson. Or the ones I never told you about.
Eric and Donna share a look as Kelso turns away, pouting.
KELSO (cont'd):
I'm - it's just - how can Hyde do this to me?
KITTY and FEZ come down the stairs, Kitty with a load of laundry.
KITTY:
Uh-oh. It sounds like he knows.
FEZ:
Finally.
KELSO:
What, your mom knew? And Fez? Fez never knows anything!
FEZ:
I know. I'm really coming into my own.
KELSO:
Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. I mean, I know Jackie had a crush on him for a while when we were broken up, but I'm starting to think all those times, when me and her were dating, when Hyde took her side, and taught her stuff, and tried to get me caught screwing up? I think he might have liked her then too!
ERIC:
(flat)
No. Really?
KELSO:
That's right. The mindblowers are comin' left and right today, Eric! Keep up! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
DONNA:
How are you gonna do that?
KELSO:
By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
KITTY:
(beat)
I'm gonna go find an eye patch.
She hurries up the stairs as Fez takes Hyde's chair.
Hyde himself enters through the basement door. Kelso hurries to meet him.
HYDE:
What's up?
KELSO:
(circling Hyde)
That's an interesting question, Hyde. What is up?
HYDE:
(beat)
Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
KELSO:
Ahh! So the battle of wits has begun!
HYDE:
What battle of wits? I admit it. I've been messing around with Jackie.
KELSO:
I hate you!
He lunges at Hyde, but Hyde side steps. Kelso crashes face-first into the corner of an old speaker.
KELSO (cont'd):
Ow! My eye!
He slaps a hand over his eye, pouts at Hyde, and storms off through the basement door.