CHAPTER 22

"Jesus, Mads...you look like shit," said Em as I walked past her desk towards my office. I kept walking without acknowledging her comment. Just as I was sliding the key in my office door, she appeared behind me. "Mads, are you okay?"

"Hold my calls, unless it's the CEO, anyone in administration, another department head or my father," I said to my secretary.

"Yes, Mrs. Casey," she replied. A chill ran down my spine at hearing my married name spoken out loud, even though I had heard it hundreds of times before. I pushed the door to my office open and walked towards my desk. I could feel Em following closely behind me. I set my briefcase on the pile of messages that adorned the top of my desk, took off my sunglasses and put my bag away in the bottom left drawer. I looked up to see Em standing there with her arms folded across her chest.

"No, Em...I'm not okay. I would think you could have figured that out for yourself by now since I'm sure Kelly filled you in on everything," I said, sitting down. She stood there, staring down and me and not saying a word. "Is there anything else? I have a lot of work to catch up on," I said.

"Don't be like that, Mads. I know you're hurting. I only want to help. Why didn't you come to me first?" she said. Her voice was soft and low, something I was not used to when it came to Emily Morrison.

"Because I knew you would do nothing short of castrating Matt. If anyone is going to get that privilege, it will be me. And you can help me by returning to your desk to get your work done," I said. I rifled through the dozens of messages, most of whom were from Matthew and my father. "Jesus," I muttered, putting my head in my hand.

"Aren't you gonna at least talk to me, Mads? You're not acting like you at all," said Em. I pushed my chair back hard and stood up, knocking a pile of messages to the floor.

"How the hell do you expect me to act, Emily!? Tell me, because I can't wait to hear your convoluted ideas on the subject," I said.

"I just meant that it's not like you to distance yourself like this. You've cut yourself off from everyone who cares about you," she said.

"Then you tell me exactly how I should act after finding my husband in bed with his ex-wife! Enlighten me," I said.

"I guess I really don't know," she said, sounding defeated.

"That's right...you don't know, now get out of my office and get back to work," I said, curtly.

"Can you at least tell me where you're staying? Kelly told me that Matt said you hadn't been home since this all happened," she said.

"Kelly talked to Matt? When did that happen?"

"The day after this all blew up. It didn't go well. Matt said some nasty shit about Kelly having fucked you at one time. He ended up throwing Kelly out of the house," said Em. Her eyes were tearing up and her bottom lip began to quiver. I could feel my anger begin to subside. Emily Morrison was my best friend in the whole world and I was treating her like she was the enemy.

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Em. I didn't mean to be so shitty to you. It's just that…" I sat back down in my chair and started to cry. Em walked around my desk and stood behind me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned the side of her head against mine.

"I know, babes. I'm sorry you're going through this," she whispered.

"Everything is such a mess, Em. I don't know which way to turn," I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Tell me what I can do to help, Mads. I'll do anything you want."

"Do you know any hitmen? That would be a start," I said, only partly joking. She squeezed me tighter and let out a soft laugh.

"I was ready to kill him myself when I heard what happened," she said. "I couldn't believe my ears."

"I couldn't believe my eyes. The memory of it makes me want to retch," I said. Em walked into my bathroom and returned with a glass of water for me.

"What would make Casey do something like that?" she asked as she handed me the glass.

"If you ask him, he'll tell you it's because he's convinced that Jace and I are sleeping together," I said, taking a sip of water. The sudden feeling of coolness against the fire inside me helped me to settle down more than I expected. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths.

"You're...not...are you, Mads?"

"No, for Christ's sake! Jesus, Em," I said.

"I'm sorry, Mads. I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. It just sort of came out without thinking. You know how I am," she said. I reached out and squeezed her hand.

"I know that all too well," I said.

"So you and Casey have talked, then. That's a good sign, isn't it?"

"Don't get your hopes up. We only talked briefly. I went by the house the next day to get some things for me and Finn and Matt was there. We didn't so much talk as we did scream at one another," I said, taking another sip of water.

"So, what are you doing here? How the hell can you work?" she asked, taking the glass from me and going back into the bathroom to refill it.

"I need to work, Em. I have to try to function as normally as possible, at least for Finn and my father," I said.

"Does your Dad know anything?" She handed me the second glass of water.

"No, and I'd like to keep it that way. This would kill him if he knew. I dropped Finn off to him this morning as if nothing had changed. Finn was just as happy to see his Grandpa as his Grandpa was to see him."

"Where are you staying?" I hesitated for a minute and prepared myself for her reprimand.

"We're staying with Jace at The Langham," I said without looking up at her.

"Do you think that's such a good idea, Mads...especially given the nature of the issue?"

"It's not the best choice I could have made, for sure, but I didn't know who else to call. I ran out of the house and blindly drove around Chicago for an hour. I knew Jace wouldn't let me down."

"Do you think he wants you back, Mads?"

"Here's the thing...he told me on Saturday that he had come to Chicago to do just that. He had every intention of taking me back to Texas with him, but he said after seeing me with Matt and Finn, he knew that wasn't going to happen. Turns out he has more respect for my marriage to Matt than Matt does, for Christ's sake. Can you believe it?" I said, chugging down the water. "I've never wished more in my life for this to be vodka."

"You wanna go out after work and grab a couple of drinks?"

"I can't, Em. At least not tonight. As much as I could use some alcohol to kill off a few brain cells, I have to pick up Finn from my Dad's house. Normality, remember?"

"OK, then maybe we can go out Saturday. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good, as long as Jace is willing to watch Finn."

"You think he would?"

"He loves Finn. You should see how good he is with him. It breaks my heart knowing that he never got the chance to be a father to Harper," I said, feeling the tears welling up again.

"He can still be a father. Men can make babies much later in life than we can."

"I know, but he can't, Em. The doctors in Germany told him he was sterile. Something to do with all the chemicals he was exposed to during his captivity...and the various forms of torture he endured and the extent of his injuries. He was near death when they found him . He's such an amazing man, Em. His whole life has been turned upside down by things that were out of his control. He deserves better than that," I said, handing her the empty water glass. She paused for a minute and stared at me. She looked like she was thinking really hard about something, but was hesitating to say it out loud.

"What is it, Em? You want to say something. I can tell," I said. She took a deep breath and blew it out before answering me.

"OK, I'm just gonna say this once and you can get pissed off at me again if you want, but here goes...if I didn't know better, I'd swear that you still have feelings for Walker," she said. I sat in stunned silence for a few seconds, turning over her words in my head.

"I think you should get back to work now," I said. She retreated into the bathroom to put the glass back, then walked out of my office, shutting the door behind her. I didn't want her to know that she had struck a nerve. I had been questioning that same thing ever since Jace and I shared the kiss that rocked the world and ignited my husband's insecurity, which caused him to be unfaithful to me. I felt that kiss throughout my entire body, just like I had the first time he kissed me when we met in Mexico. I had told Matt that it was because we were familiar strangers and I believed that in my head. What my heart was telling me was something completely different. I did feel a definite attachment to him, a kinship that was born out of being in each other's lives every day for more than two years. If I spoke as though I still had feelings for him, it was because Matt's actions had forced me to reexamine the differences between him and Jace. Matt had broken my heart and that's something Jace had never done. That alone merited the feelings I was having. At least that's what I had convinced myself of.