AN: Today's crosspost: "Mistlefoe", inspired by tumblr and also yeeting. Merry Christmas.
On a day like most others, one Perry the Platypus hauled himself to his regular thwarting appointment, his regulation thin green blanket slung around his shoulders and a mug of hot chocolate clutched in his paw. If there was one thing he despised more than mornings, it was cold winter mornings. And not the fun part of winter when Santa showed up.
At least fighting Heinz would keep him warm.
Pulling out the key he'd been given so long ago, he unlocked the door to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated (cue jingle) and walked in, too exhausted and cold to bother with his usual door-kicking ways.
What he found on the other side was Heinz Doofenshmirtz, his nemesis, standing under something that looked suspiciously like a sprig of mistletoe, arms still raised as if he'd only just hung whatever it was from the ceiling. Which he had.
For a brief instant, Perry debated turning around and walking back through the door, leaving his nemesis unthwarted. Whatever his nemesis had planned for the day, he wanted no part in it.
Alas, responsibility won out over exasperation, and he stayed. Evil waited for no agent.
He chirred in obvious disapproval, clear enough that even Heinz couldn't claim to misunderstand. Not that his nemesis would, the man had developed a sort of pride in understanding Perry's quiet platypus noises and expressions, but it never hurt to be overt in his intentions.
In the face of this, Heinz merely grinned. "You're just in time, Perry the Platypus! I bet you're wondering, 'what's with the mistletoe'?" This question, as usual, was more rhetorical than anything. As good as Heinz was at reading Perry's face in the moment, he nevertheless struggled at guessing his nemesis's thought processes while drafting his monologues, a fact Perry had decided not to mention. "Well... It's because of you." A worrying thing to hear at the best of times, doubly so in a situation like this one. "Don't look at me like that, I don't mean it like that. Walk with me, I'll explain." Clapping his hands together once, Heinz walked further into the laboratory, towards a large inator positioned against a wall. Perry obediently followed, as was normal for the two of them.
So obedient was he, in fact, that he neglected to pay attention to the myriad sprigs of mistletoe spread across the ceiling (each with a red X painted onto the floor beneath), let alone the blatantly obvious foot clamps that, naturally, clamped over his feet.
Heinz, shockingly, barely paid this trapping any attention at all, instead leaning against his inator to continue on his usual evil monologue. "You see, here in America, mistletoe's for kissing under, and you... I don't know if you can, you have that bill, that must be so awkward sometimes. So, to give you a reason to celebrate, I made a new inator: the Mistlefoe-inator! All I have to do is turn it on with this button-" He gestured at the console. "-and suddenly everyone, instead of kissing anyone they meet under the mistletoe, will fight them."
Despite his better instincts and training, Perry was touched. His nemesis knew him so well.
Nevertheless, he couldn't allow the inator to be used. He may have a love of fighting, but the average Danville citizen did not, and it was them who needed his attention most on this day. Besides, and he quietly winced at the thought, if his boys were affected...
Pulling his feet from the trap, unsure if it had been made that easy to escape deliberately (the answer: yes, yes it was), Perry narrowed his eyes in thought.
What did he have? The fedora perched in its usual place on his head, the blanket slung around his shoulders, and the now-empty "#1 nemesis" mug Heinz had given him a few weeks earlier. He paused. Setting the mug on the floor, he slid it safely out of thwarting range. Just his fedora and blanket, then. He could work with that. Walking to his nemesis, he tugged at the bottom edge of the man's lab coat and waited.
"Not now, Perry the Platypus," Heinz said, shooing his nemesis away with a hand. "I'm- How did you escape the trap?" he demanded, whirling around to face the platypus. Alas, he found himself unable to glean the information from Perry's expression, and not for lack of trying, for Perry had no expression to glean from.
Face locked in an impassive stare, Perry stood firm, any emotions he felt locked away behind a mask of professionalism. Frustration, exasperation, fondness, eagerness, all stuffed down so he could watch his nemesis sweat.
Heinz, eyes wide, took in the sight of, not just Perry, but everything around the two of them as well. Then, slowly, he grinned the grin of an evil scientist with a scheme. "Perry the Platypus," he purred, stepping closer. "You do realise we're standing under the mistlefoe?"
Looking up, Perry blinked in open surprise. His nemesis was, shockingly, correct. That was indeed mistlefoe hanging above him. And with said nemesis leering at him, he knew he was never going to escape a fight.
Good thing a fight was exactly what he wanted.
Fists clenched, blanket wrapped around his paw, he launched himself at his nemesis, eyes narrowed in what he'd call determination but Heinz had come to know as (barely) restrained violence.
Dodging the first blow, Heinz let out a sharp laugh, rich with a mix of exhilaration and disbelief. "Missed me!"
Had Perry been any less of a professional, he would have let himself smile at that. Trust his nemesis to celebrate the first blow, or lack thereof. Yes, he'd missed, but he wouldn't miss the next.
And he didn't, bringing his foot around to kick Heinz square in the chest. Landing neatly on three paws, a perfect superhero landing, he stood, turning back to the still-warming inator. That was where he needed to be. Thwarting Evil, one inator at a time. He hunched down, coiled like a spring, and leaped.
A sharp tug at his tail stopped him short. Snarling, he pulled at Heinz's tight grip, twisting to look back at his nemesis.
"I've got you this time, Perry the Platypus," Heinz said through clenched teeth, free hand grabbing Perry by the scruff of his neck. Lifting the platypus to eye level, he met his gaze, keeping his nemesis at his considerable arm's length and out of face-punching range. "In just three minutes, my inator will be ready- Ow! Stop it!"
Perry rolled his eyes, throwing another kick at the skinny fingers still clutching his tail. This was a thwarting, he couldn't go easy on his nemesis now, not with the clock ticking.
The answer was right in (on) his paw. The blanket.
Realising this, he shook it out from around his paw. A quick toss landed the thin material over Heinz's head, obscuring his vision, enough of a distraction for him to release Perry's tail to claw at it.
As a result, he didn't see that same tail as it slammed against his head, sending him staggering back, both hands flailing at the blanket now. Nor did he see his now-freed nemesis drop to the floor in a second of his habitual three-point landings. What he did see, as he finally pulled the blanket from his head, was said nemesis turning to run at his inator.
Perry didn't look back. His sense of duty urged him on towards his goal, thwarting his nemesis, for the good of the entire Tri-State Area. Letting his feet carry him up the side of it, he slammed a paw onto the usual self-destruct button and leaped off.
The usual explosion barely ruffled his fur as he twirled through the air, landing once again on three paws, the absolute epitome of suave semiaquatic personification of unstoppable dynamic fury.
Heinz, too late to stop him, merely folded his arms and glared. "I bet you think you're so smart, don't you, tricking me with that blanket-"
With a slight (unprofessional) smirk, Perry nodded. Yes. Yes he did.
"Curse you Perry the- hey, we're standing under the mistlefoe again, would you look at- Ow! Stop it! You've already won, I've been thwarted, why are you still hitting me?"
Sitting atop his nemesis, Perry rolled his eyes and pointed up at the mistlefoe above them. That was the rule, his gesture said, daring Heinz to protest. Then he returned to his chosen task of slapping his nemesis around a little, as if that could knock some sense into the man. For once. A futile hope, to be sure, but one he took great pleasure in attempting regardless.
Heinz squirmed in an attempt to escape. This too was futile, to his disappointment, with Perry effortlessly holding him in place. "Don't know why I tried to be nice," he muttered. "Mistletoe's plenty evil! I mean, just imagine, you would have had to- what are you doing? Put me down!"
The only response he got, and could reasonably have expected considering his nemesis, was an exasperated chirr. One that said, clear as day, "Carrying you. What does it look like I'm doing?"
For Perry was, indeed, carrying his nemesis. To the window. And flinging him through it. Down below was Danville's annual Christmas parade, he knew, complete with giant balloons to break the man's fall (and maybe a bone or two). Nothing too major. His nemesis would be fine, he always was.
"Oh, sure," a falling Heinz said with great sarcasm, not even surprised by this turn of events, "just yeet me out the window. I always wanted to be defenestrated."
Perry dusted off his paws, job done. Retrieving his mug and blanket, he left, locking the door after him.
AN: You may be wondering why this Christmas fic was posted in August. Well... I originally shared it in June. The unseasonality is the point.