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The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas had always been magical to Addison. She loved how cheerful and giving everyone was. It was the only time of year her parents actually seemed remotely interested in her brother and her. Of course, now that she was older, she realized that it was probably more of a show with all the parties her family was invited to.
Addison also loved delivering babies during this time. They would send the babies home in little stockings. The hard part was seeing babies separated from their families while they were in the NICU during the holidays.
Addison sat in a NICU rocking chair slowly rocking back and forth with her hands resting on her growing belly. It was fairly quiet in there at the moment, giving her time to think. She couldn't believe she was now 5 months pregnant. She felt like she could barely move and she still had 4 months to go!
As she sat there, she thought about the past few weeks since Thanksgiving and how distant Derek was becoming. He wasn't ignoring her persay. He was still giving her plenty of attention. Sometimes too much with multiple check-ins during the day and telling her to take it easy. He just wasn't really talking with her about what was bothering him. He had lost every single patient in the clinical trial. Another 6 patients in the last 2 weeks. He had also lost several other regular patients. Only a handful of his surgeries had been successful. Addison had tried to talk to him about it logically. That the reason so many had died is because he was the only one willing to even try. Almost all his patients were lost causes. But Derek didn't see it that way. Addison knew he was taking it personally, but she couldn't get him to open up. She was really worried about him. Addison began to think of the last time Derek had acted like this.
3 years ago
"Addison, I will be FINE." Derek said, annoyed. He had the weekend off and was planning on going camping with Mark. It was the first weekend they had had off together in a very long time. They had decided to just take their motorcycles.
"Derek, you know how I feel about that thing." Addison said, gesturing to the bike. They were outside of their townhouse. Addison watched as Derek finished packing up his saddle bags and reached for his helmet.
"I know you don't like motorcycles. I have been riding for 10 years. I know what I am doing. Please don't worry. Have fun with Savvy this weekend. Enjoy some time alone. You deserve to relax." Derek pleaded as he reached for his wife. They had almost been married a year, and he still couldn't believe she was his. He pulled her in for a tight hug.
"Just be careful, Derek. Please." Addison said as she leaned up to kiss him.
"Yes, my love." he replied as he pulled away and put on his helmet. Addison watched as he pulled out of the driveway and drove off.
Later that night, Addison was woken up by a knock on the door. "What in the world?" she thought as she realized it was 1:00 in the morning. She grabbed her robe and went to look through the see who was there. It was a cop. Addison gasped. She hurried over to the door and opened it.
."Are you Mrs. Shepherd?" the officer asked her.
"Um, yes." Addison said slowly.
"I am officer Benson. Your husband, Derek Shepherd,and his friend Mark Sloan were in a motorcycle accident."
Addison gasped as her hand went over her mouth.
"He is in critical but stable condition. Mark had minor injuries." Officer Benson said quickly. Relief flooded Addison. "Your husband is unconscious. They were taken to a rural hospital and Mark insisted that they transfer Derek to Mt. Sinai. He called and asked if I could come and tell you. He didn't want you driving to the hospital by yourself at this hour."
"Ok." Addison whispered. "Give me just a minute to change." She quickly went back to her room and threw on some clothes. Then she allowed the officer to take her to the hospital.
Addison rushed into the hospital where she was met by her friend, Dr. Lola Nelson.
"Lola, is he here yet?". Addison cried.
"He is. Addison, you need to breathe." Lola said as she pulled her friend in the direction of the OR floor. "They discovered a brain bleed when he got here. Apparently the rural hospital didn't do an MRI. They rushed him into surgery. Mark being an ass and insisting that they move him here probably saved his life." Lola continued as they got off the elevator.
"Dr. Shepherd." Chief Hutchingson exclaimed. "You can NOT watch this surgery. You will wait in the hallway if you insist on being on this floor."
"But, I need to be with him!" Addison said as tears began to fill her eyes.
"No. You are his wife. Not his doctor. I kicked Dr. Sloan out as well. You need to let Dr. Sahi concentrate. He is the best we have."
"Where is Mark?" Addison asked. She knew her chief was right and there was no arguing with him.
"He went to get cleaned up in the locker room. And it looks like he is done." Dr. Hutchingson explained as he pointed at the man walking down the hallway.
Addison ran over to Mark. He had a broken arm and scratches up and down his other arm.
"What in the world happened?!" Addison cried out as she looked Mark over up and down.
"We were on our way back. Derek decided he wanted to surprise you. It was dusk and we didn't see the deer. They jumped out in front of Derek. He ran into one and flipped over the front of his bike. I swerved to miss him and fell on my arm." Mark explained. The shock of what had happened was starting to wear off.
"Are you sure you are ok, Mark?" Addison asked with concern.
"I am fine, Red. And Derek will be fine too." Mark said with more conviction than he actually felt. It was then that the OR door opened and Dr. Sahi came out.
"I thought you two might be outside this door." Dr. Sahi said with a smile. "Derek came through surgery with flying colors You can come wait with him in the recovery room."
Addison and Mark made their way to the recovery room, where they found Derek. Addison sat down and just stared at him. It looks so odd to see him in the bed with a head bandage around him. About an hour later, Derek began to wake up.
"Hey" he said hoarsely.
"Welcome back." Addison said quietly.
Over the next week, Derek stayed in the hospital as he recovered. Everytime Addison tried to bring up the accident, he shut down and wouldn't talk to her. It was obvious to her the whole event had scared him.
Addison thought about how over time, she stopped bringing it up. It just caused too much fighting. She also realized now that that was a very pivotal moment in when Derek started to work even more hours. He slowly began to pull away from her even more. He never would get on a motorcycle again. He still had a small scar on his head as a reminder, but neither of them ever mentioned it.
Addison slowly got up from the rocking chair and left the NICU. She needed to talk to Derek about her concerns and she didn't want to wait any longer.
Addison made her way to the elevator to go up to Derek's office. She knew he had no surgeries scheduled for the day as he had a ton of paperwork to catch up on.
"Hey, Red. Where are you headed with such a serious face?" Mark teased as Addison got on the elevator.
"Oh, hey Mark." Addison said distractedly. She still wasn't sure how to talk to Derek about her concerns. She turned to Mark. "Do you ever think about that motorcycle accident you boys were in 3 years ago?" Mark looked at her in surprise. He was not expecting that.
"Um, sometimes, I guess, why?" Mark asked. confused.
"I was just thinking about it in the NICU. Have you noticed a change in Derek lately?" Addison continued.
"He has been a little moody lately, but he's Derek. He is always like that." Mark laughed. He really didn't know where Addison was going with all of this. Addison gave him a small smile as the elevator doors opened.
"I will see you later, Mark." Addison said as she exited. Her mind was going a mile a minute. She didn't notice how confused Mark was as he continued on to the next floor.
Addison walked into Derek's office. He was slumped over his desk with paperwork everywhere. Addison stood there for a minute with a frown. It was very unlike Derek to have his desk so unorganized.
"Oh, hey." Derek said as he looked up to see who had entered his office. He stretched and then stood up to go give Addison a hug. He noticed she was tense and was barely looking him in the eye. He knew this behavior of hers. They had been together almost 16 years. It was impossible for him not to recognize it as her wanting to talk to him about something serious.
"What do you want to talk to me about?" Derek asked resolutely.
"Who said I wanted to talk to you?" Addison asked defensively.
"Addie, I have known you a long time. Whenever you are tense like this and won't look me in the eye means something is bothering you. And it almost always has to do with me." Derek said as he led her over to the couch. "Just say it."
"I know why you became indifferent to me before. It was the motorcycle accident." Addison blurted out. Derek had the look of a deer caught in the headlights. To him, her statement came out of left field.
"What in the world are you talking about?" Derek asked in complete confusion.
"The motorcycle accident. The one you NEVER would talk to me about. It was then that you started to really throw yourself into work. It was then that you began to distance yourself from me. It was then you started to send Mark in your place." Addison explained. To her it made perfect sense.
Derek got up from the couch and began to pace around the room. Why the hell was Addison bringing up one of the worst days of his life?
"What is your point, Addison?" Derek asked, annoyed.
"My point, Derek, is that you are starting to act the same way now." Addison retorted, just as annoyed. She tried to stand up, but fell back a little off balance. "Ugh!" she exclaimed in frustration. She was STILL not used to her growing belly. Derek rushed over to her.
"Are you ok?" he asked in concern. He started to try and take her pulse.
"I am FINE, Derek." Addison said in frustration pulling her wrist away from him. "I am just not used to this whale of a belly." she responded gesturing down.
"I find your belly extremely cute and attractive." Derek teased as he ran his hand over her belly. "I especially like the changes this pregnancy is doing to the rest of you." he continued as he leaned in to give her a kiss as his hand began to travel farther north.
Addison was lost in the moment. She kissed Derek back before she remembered why she came here in the first place. As much as she wanted to have sex with her husband, which with her pregnancy hormaones was pretty much all the time righ tnow, she REALLY needed him to hear her concerns. Addison pushed him back.
"Derek, I love you, and really want to have sex, but not now." Addison said. Derek sat back in frustration.
"Fine." he said, running his hand through his hair. His finger crossed over his scar, which reminded him of what they were talking about before. "The motorcycle accident is what you think caused me to become distant from you?" he asked, still confused how she connected the two.
"Yes. We never talked about that day. Not really. You wouldn't open up to me." Addison, sadly. Derek came back over to her and wrapped his arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Addie. I am sorry for not talking to you about it. At the time, it was too much. I couldn't face the fact that I had almost died and that you were right." Derek choked out the last part. He had never voiced that to anyone. Addison sat up and turned to look at him.
"What do you mean I was right?" she asked in confusion.
"You told me not to go. You told me motorcycles were dangerous. You were right." Derek said as he stared off into space.
"Derek, look at me." Addson commanded. She waited for him to look her in the eye. "I never, not even once, thought about it that way. Seeing you in that hospital bed was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me."
"I guess you know how I felt then when it was you in the hospital bed after brain surgery." Derek responded. He reached up and touched Addison's scar, that was fully covered by her hair now. She had gone with a shorter haircut after the surgery. He missed her long red hair, but never mentioned it. He knew it would come back eventually.
Addison put her hand on his. "Yes, I do. Is that what has been bothering you so much lately? Is that what you won't talk to me about?" Addison asked in understanding.
"What do you mean? Nothing has been bothering me lately." Derek answered, taking his hand off of her head.
"Yes, Honey. Something has been bothering you. You are withdrawing from me again." Addsion said matter of factly. Just then Addison's pager went off. She groaned.
"I have to go. But please, Derek, think about what I said." she leaned in and gave him a kiss before she ran out of his office down to the NICU.
Derek sat on the couch for a while after Addison left thinking about their conversation. Was she right? Did the motorcycle accident cause him to become distant from her? It was such a scary time for him. He kept thinking about what would have happened if Mark had not been with him. Would the rural hospital have done an MRI and caught the brain bleed in time? As it was, they had barely done the surgery in time. Derek had never told Addison that. How close he really had come to dying. He knew she had looked at his file, but since she wasn't a brain surgeon, she didn't realize exactly how close it had been. Another 30 minutes, and he would have been brain dead. Derek shuttered at the thought.
He looked over at the paperwork on his desk and sighed. The clinical trial board was on his tail about why the drug isn't working. Why had everyone died so far? He had been given clearance for 3 more surgeries. After that, they were shutting him down. All 3 surgeries were scheduled before the end of the year; 2 before he went back East and 1 after he got back.
He looked at the calendar. It was December 15th. He was planning on going back to see family for Christmas. Addison and him would fly back on the 24th and he would return on the 26th. She was going to stay until January 5th. She really wanted him to stay longer, but the clinical trial had to be finished before the end of the year.
He also didn't understand what she was talking about that he was acting the same way. What wasn't he telling her? He knew he was feeling down more, but he had been surrounded by death. Who wouldn't feel that way?
Derek stood up and shook his head. He needed to get the paperwork filled out and figure out the next steps in the clinical trial to try and prevent anyone else from dying.
Addison watched from the gallery as Derek once again called "time of death" on a clinical trial patient. She sighed. She had barely seen him in the last week as he worked with other doctors to try and make changes to the drug to help save the "unsavable" patients.
Addison went in the hallway to wait for Derek. As he came out, he looked at her in complete anguish. "Honey, I am so sorry." Addison said quietly as Derek gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He looked her in the eye and gave a slight shake of his head. He turned and walked away.
Addison was gutted on what to do. She knew Derek was communicating with her that he couldn't talk to her or he would break down. And he didn't want to break down in the middle of the hallway. She also knew that he NEEDED to break down and not force the feelings down deeper. They were scheduled to fly back to New York in the morning on a private jet. Maybe she could talk to him there. He had nowhere to escape then.
Derek walked down the hallway numbly. He barely acknowledged any of the greetings fellow doctors and nurses gave him. He went and informed the family of the death. This one was particularly hard on him because it was a 12 year old boy. And right before Christmas.
Derek walked into his office and shut the doors and blinds. He wanted to be alone. He threw his scrub cap on the floor and sat down on the couch. Why the hell was this drug cocktail not working?! It had been so promising in the animal testing phase and on computer models.
He had one more chance. That was it. He had expected the majority of his clinical trial patients to die, but not ALL of them! He HAD to save this last patient. Even if that meant working over Christmas. He would go with Addison, as he promised, but he planned on spending the majority of his time pouring over the data. With that thought, he began to pack up all the paperwork he would need to take with him.
"Come in." Derek said when he heard a knock on his door. "Hey, what's up?" Derek asked, relieved to see it was Mark and not Addison. He was not ready to face her yet after the encounter in the hallway.
"Well, I have some news that may surprise you and a request." Mark said cautiously.
"Ok…." Derek said slowly.
"So, do remember several months ago when I mentioned I was interested in Lexie Grey." Mark replied.
"Yes, I believe I told you to leave her alone." Derek said coldly as he continued to pack up paperwork.
"Well, I tried Derek, but well, we worked on several cases together and one thing led to another and…" Mark rambled.
"Is she pregnant?" Derek blurted out.
"What? No!" Mark said, taken aback. "We are dating, Derek. And have been for awhile."
"Seriously?" Derek asked, surprised. "It must be serious if you are telling me about it."
"It is." Mark answered. "I think I might love her."
"Wow." Derek responded walking over to the couch. Mark had never told him he might love a girl before.
"And that is why I was wondering if Lexie and I could fly back with Addison and you tomorrow. I want to bring her home for Christmas." Mark said quickly. Derek was even more surprised.
"You want to take Lexie to meet your family?" Derek asked.
"No, my parents are in Maui right now, I think." Mark said. "I want to bring her to meet YOUR family. Or, I guess, my true family." Derek started to laugh. "What is so funny?" Mark asked, shocked at Derek's response.
"Tha man who slept with my wife wants to bring the sister of the girl I cheated with back to meet my family." Derek said, shaking his head in laughter. "You got to admit. That is a little funny."
"So is that a no or a yes?" Mark asked. He could see Derek's point but wasn't sure where he was going with it.
"It is a yes. I would love for Lexie and you to join us." Derek answered. He walked over and patted Mark on the back. Derek was actually thrilled with the idea of having more people on the plane with them. This meant Addison couldn't ambush him about the clinical trial. He really didn't want to talk about it and knew she would want to dissect it to death.
"You are sure Addie won't mind?" Mark asked.
"No, she will be thrilled." Derek lied. He knew she wouldn't mind them being at Christmas but wasn't sure how she would feel about them joining them on the plane.
"Ok great. We will meet you in the lobby of the apartment complex in the morning." Mark exclaimed as the men walked out of the office together.
Next time they will be back on the East Coast for a crazy Shepherd family Christmas! Let me know what you think!