Chapter 24: Deepest Regrets

Petunia didn't like children and sometimes that made the pediatric ward worse than usual to be in. Most of the potions that came this side weren't for terminal reasons at all however there was always a slightly more senior potioneer who run the dispensary in the ward.

For one thing, the ward tried to exemplify light and all the goodness that seemed to come from it. The ward was run by Healer Tonks, who pulled her dark brown ringlets tightly against her head and didn't take nonsense from anyone but tried to make time to listen to even the tiniest toddler babble about how icky a potion had tasted.

Petunia hoped the shift was a quiet one and that no one needed anything made on the fly. She was cleared to come back to work but even that wasn't enough to keep the worries from swelling back up. Things always got worse before they got better and right now Petunia needed to cry and scream. She needed to treat herself recklessly and then stumble home early in the morning.

"Pull yourself together Evans, " Petunia hissed to herself.

Petunia shouldn't have demanded that from herself so soon. Part of the pediatric shift was preparing bottles of formula each with specific set of nutrients and potions. They liked to get the children to drink the stuff first before attempting lines or injecting things.

The Kitchens popped food trays on a trolley and she would measure and mix portions into just made baby formula or into juice if possible. The rest the junior healers would struggle and bribe with to pour down the throats of children. Petunia didn't like children all that much. She wasn't mothering and didn't think she would make a good mother. She really didn't have the best people to look up to in that regard.

It was Damocles Belby that stopped her from clocking out early the next morning. Petunia didn't really know what to make of Belby during the time they had been working on the Prince's Promise. He was nice and was the apprentice that Odgen had brought around. She stared at him, the Potion Master symbol on his black potion robes said enough, he was the first of the apprentices to make it in the world out there.

He promised her breakfast at the Cafeteria and Petunia didn't have it in her to refuse. There would be a reason for the conversation and as long as he didn't offer condolences for something that he did not do then she would be fine.

She had a tea in front of her and added tonnes of sugar and cream to it.

"Congratulations on finishing your mastery," Petunia meant the words.

"It was a long painful process," he moaned.

Petunia laughed at that, sometimes it took years to be recognized by the guild and each master had a different set of standards that they used to deem a pupil worthy of pursuing a Mastery.

"So let's hear about the potion?"

There was a genuine interest in it, new potions were not created often but Belby had really good ideas when it came to thinking up solutions to a problem.

"It's a truth serum actually. Undetectable and colourless. The Ministry funded it and it got me my mastery."

"You're the creator behind Veritaserum. The entire method of the potion is insane and it's ten years before you release the recipe. When did you get the time for that?" Petunia asked in wonder.

"It's really no big deal. I mean compared to your ability to dissect a potion into it's essential processes is something I need."

"You know I'm leaving all this for good. Once Mrs Snape left, there was just no reason for me to be here anymore." Petunia felt tired again for explaining this. She just wanted out, she wanted to go back to machines and people who were like her. Every week she spent in the wizarding world was just another week she put the people around her in danger.

"I'm trying to tame the beast and I can't do it alone," he whispered.

"Tame the beast?" Petunia asked.

"Werewolves."

Now Petunia didn't know much about werewolves, other than they were poorer than the Snapes on any given occasion and that Knockturn Alley held a pack. Standard, normal things that Petunia shouldn't have known. The whole idea was too interesting not to ask questions on.

"What do I get out of being your assistant?"

"An opportunity to change history."

That was how Petunia found herself loading her life out of the flat that she and Darren had shared. Ross had just managed to get her work at the Grunnings plant and she would move in with Belby onto his property. Purebloods owned so much property she quickly came to realise through her trips to the Belby property.

Her room was larger than any room she had lived in before. The potion dungeon about the same size as a well-stocked research dungeon at St Mungo's. They had to carve some space out for her bike so she could commute to work and be back straight after her shift.

She insisted to Darren that she was moving to give him and Jean space. Jean didn't want it and told her as much as Petunia took out her braids one early spring day. It was the last interview of the season that Jean had to take for dentistry school.

Darren hadn't been a lot of help, but he had his own things to worry about. He wanted to get to a point where he could support both himself and Jean on a dancer's salary and that usually took a few more promotions.

Jean had met Darren's parents and she hadn't liked them very much. Darren had confided in Petunia that he felt the same about Jean's dad and uncle. It really didn't matter though because they loved each other deeply and without any regrets. Theirs was the kind of love poets wrote about, love in the tiny moments. Between moving Petunia found herself taking Jean to University interviews. Jean hated going through them alone and Petunia liked feeling like she was useful.

Sometimes they would go for ice-cream afterwards or Petunia would play netball with a bunch of girls at random courts that they found. It was in those little moments that Petunia was grateful for the normal bits in her life. This was the part she wanted to protect and not share with the rest of the world. The wizarding world had such a narrow view of muggles. It didn't matter how many times Petunia had to explain to her coworkers that as muggles they had other things to worry about. As long as wizards stayed on their own paths, muggles would do the same.

Who was she kidding? They were both humans and humans we're terrible at minding their own business. It's just because they felt so angry with them. Petunia knew that her anger sometimes featured without reason and it made her make questionable decisions.

Almost too soon her last day at St Mungo's drew to an end. Petunia cleaned out her cubby and stuffed odds and ends into her bag. She was sad to be leaving. Winter would end soon and spring would take its place. Jean and Darren would get married. Petunia and Jean would write their last exams and Lily would finish Hogwarts for the year.

Petunia had not heard from Severus during after the winter holidays. She still made the effort to send both Lily and Severus care boxes for their birthdays. She had barely scrapped the money required for a new watch for Severus (the wizardkind with the astronomy based time tracker). Lily had gotten a lily on a chain with as many protection runes that Petunia could buy from the jeweller. Neither Tobias nor her parents had said anything about the birthdays so Petunia had done her best to make sure they at least felt loved even from afar.

The brewers who had gone off shift with Petunia insisted that they visit a pub and Petunia did not have a good enough reason to refuse. She didn't and followed the odd bunch to a pub they all liked. Any reason to drink was a reason good enough for people who worked in potions.

Petunia just ordered tea. She was supposed to be celebrating but all she felt was this overwhelming sensation that she was making all the wrong steps in a series of moves. It wasn't like normal. Usually, she'd be able to forget most of it, but it wasn't helping. Fuck, if Lily was here she would take Petunia outside and force her to breathe bit Petunia couldn't find anything that was grounding her to the world at the moment.

Before it got too bad she said her last good buys and dropped her bags at Darren's flat. She ignored the ballet tickets and washed her face trying to force herself to calm down or cry. Two options and neither of them felt right. Her hands shook as she changed her clothing and laced up trainers for a run.

To the park and back, she told herself. They would run a short run and she may feel better. It didn't and Petunia dare not call Jean. Jean was studying for her final exam and it wasn't fair to dump this on her. Darren had already left for work and there was nothing really lying around apart from stale bread that Petunia turned into bread pudding in an effort to feel useful.

She showered and changed to go out. The note to Darren on the kitchen table said that much, it didn't matter that it was a weekday, Petunia would only start seriously working again on Monday morning. She drank a little bit of whiskey they had lying around wishing it was something stronger and better tasting.

It was too late to go to the ballet and unsafe to travel anywhere else. If asked, later on, Petunia would have no answer as to what possessed her to go to Knockturn Alley that night. Only that she knocked furiously on the door of the Apothecary when her ward key refused to let her in. The panic plunged her all and once and breathing felt difficult and peaceless. The breathes she took were deep, heaving ones and she swallowed, recklessly the potions that were pushed through her lips. Her mind recognized them, a potion of calming draughts along with a clear head potion.

She shivered with the cold of the room and hadn't realized that someone had draped a blanket over her shoulders. Sets of curious eyes had watched from the Apothecary windows. Petunia forced herself to confront a truth that she already thought she looked into. Eileen was dead and there was no potion that Petunia could create that would bring her back.