Trigger warning: Thoughts of suicide and some self harm. Brief, kinda graphic description of an injury.
Chapter 27
Anakin's mind had stopped working. He was simply having information overload. A couple of hours ago he had come back from a successful mission, just wanting to relax with his love and then this was thrown at him. The knowledge was just too much. He was spinning in a vortex of self loathing and anger and misery. Of everything he had seen, the image of him dueling Obi-Wan with the intent to kill him was seared into his brain and another load of bile forced its way up his throat causing him to throw up for a second time.
He vaguely recalled Obi-Wan telling him about his friend in 'practically another lifetime'. Of course it was obvious now that had actually been him. How the other man had ever been ok with practise duelling with him was completely beyond him. Anakin knew there were so many people he could blame for that utter poodoo heap of a future but ultimately it had been his choices, and his alone, that had caused it. And Obi-Wan had come back to fix his screw up. He wanted to be angry that the older man had essentially been manipulating him his whole life but he couldn't blame him given what happened when he hadn't. Of course then he had been manipulated his whole life but by Palpatine. Some small part of his brain wondered what he would have done had nobody manipulated him for his entire life. The rest was just in awe of the strength Obi-Wan had come to back and do it again. To take on the responsibility of fixing the whole kriffing galaxy by himself.
Honestly he was lucky Obi-Wan hadn't just killed him as a kid and been done with it. It would have been the easier thing to do. Then he realised Obi-Wan was still holding him, trying to comfort him. Anakin wrenched himself away, practically falling over backwards before getting to his feet. He did not deserve any comfort, let alone from Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan did not move or even look at him, he was probably glad he no longer had to touch him.
"How can you bear to look at me, let alone touch me after what I did?" Anakin asked in a whisper, feeling bile slick in his throat all over again.
"How could I not? You were manipulated by a Sith Lord pretty much from the second you joined the Jedi and not one of us did a thing to stop it because we didn't even know."
"If I had been a proper Jedi, none of it would have happened." Anakin scoffed.
"I actually rather like you as not a proper Jedi." Obi-Wan said mildly. A horrible thought struck him.
"This...us...did you...I mean, was that a plan?" He struggled to get the words out. Obi-Wan's tear stained eyes shot open and he stared in horror at Anakin.
"No! That was a complete surprise but a most welcome one. I honestly expected you to marry Padme again. I just hoped to be a good enough Master that you would confide in me if you did. But it's so easy to love you Anakin. I loved you as a brother then and as a lover now. I could never do anything but love you." Anakin squeezed his eyes closed. He did not deserve such kind words. How could anyone love a monster like him? Pain clawed at his chest.
"I...I can't." He said. The air seemed to be getting thinner. Breathing was becoming more difficult. He needed to get away from here and Obi-Wan's kind understanding. Obi-Wan stood up as he started to make his way towards the door.
"Ani! Where are you going?"
"I don't know."
"Please. I understand if you're angry with me and if you hate me but don't do anything stupid. I can't lose you."
"Angry with you? Hate you?" Anakin questioned hollowly. If he had the mental and emotional capacity left he would probably have been a bit upset that Obi-Wan kept this from him for so long but he simply couldn't care right then. There were far too many other things to be concerned about. "I'm neither. I just need to be alone right now." He said honestly. Obi-Wan still looked miserable and concerned but he made no further attempt to stop Anakin. Anakin turned and strode to the door. Then he turned back, the least he could do was offer some assurance. He might not deserve any, but Obi-Wan did. "Obi-Wan. Nothing could stop me loving you but I need some time and space right now." The older Jedi nodded and Anakin left.
There was no destination in his mind but he knew he couldn't stay in the Temple. He would risk running into someone and he didn't feel like explaining his current state. Nor could he visit Padme or he would have to explain and he had absolutely no idea how to even begin. He also knew somewhere deep down that nobody else should know about this.
The Coruscanti night passed by as Anakin wandered the streets, feet pounding the pavement. His head was still spinning and he didn't notice where he was going. Eventually he found himself outside what he knew to be an abandoned warehouse. Ducking inside he sank to the floor and tightened his Force shields before letting out a silent scream. Was he destined to be evil no matter what? So much for being the Chosen One. Was he simply a ticking time bomb that would destroy the Jedi regardless of his intentions? However, his anger at the Jedi and Palpatine and the kriffing universe in general paled next to his self loathing. Maybe he should just kill himself and save everyone the bother. Most of the Jedi wouldn't care and he could save Obi-Wan from having to watch him fall again. Better dead than a Sith. Better dead than a murderer.
Anakin reached for his belt where his lightsaber should be but it wasn't there. He had left it in the apartment. Well there went his easy option. He swore and smashed his fist into the floor. Bones cracked but he savoured every ounce of pain. He deserved all of it. Obi-Wan might have changed some things but he had still done those things. The pain on Obi-Wan's face during their duel broke his heart all over again. Once again he wondered how Obi-Wan could possibly even look at him let alone hug and kiss him. He was poison. He glanced around for another easy way to kill himself. Rid the world of his taint. Sadly there was nothing. The large warehouse was completely empty. He rummaged through his utility belt for something he could take but he only kept medicinal things in there. None of them were in high enough quantities to kill him either. That would have to change. Maybe he could just jump from the top of the warehouse, it was quite tall. As he tried to decide which was his best option, memories battered his mind.
As the vicious memories circled in his head he felt like he couldn't breathe. He was drowning. He had been a father and not known. He hadn't been there when they were born, he had killed Padme! He had killed Obi-Wan! That recollection made him throw up again. Some small part of him was mildly surprised he actually had anything left in his stomach to throw up. Air couldn't get to his lungs as he desperately tried to draw breath. Black spots swam in his vision. He knelt on all fours, panting hard. His injured hand burned as he put his weight on it.
He did not know how long he knelt, struggling to breathe. Time was meaningless as he forced himself to recount every single memory Obi-Wan had shown him. Forced himself to see what his actions had caused. His weakness. He lingered on Obi-Wan's memory of the twins being born. Padme's last words had been about how there was still good in him. He had pretty much killed her and she still believed he was good. Guilt and shame flooded him. She deserved so much better than him.
Anakin tore his mind from those thoughts and focused on the person who had manipulated him. All of his pain suddenly focused into a burning hatred for Palpatine. Most of this was his fault. He had whispered lies to him, not just then but now. Anakin recalled all of his meetings with Palpatine this time as well. Trying to turn him and the Council against each other. Trying to make him think he was better than Obi-Wan. A humourless laugh escaped him. He wasn't worth the dirt on Obi-Wan's boot, let alone be better than him. Anger and hatred flowed through him, it felt like he had fire in his veins. He felt a rapidly rising, vicious desire to march into the Senate building and plunge his lightsaber straight into the man's smug face. The thought pushed him to his feet and he grimly reached to his belt. Then he realised, again, he didn't have his lightsaber with him. Nor did he want to return to the apartment to get it no matter how angry he was. Not to mention Obi-Wan would probably freak if he could feel the anger within him now.
That thought gave Anakin the feeling of being doused in ice cold water. His anger faded as quickly as it had come. He had let Obi-Wan down enough already. The self loathing spiraled back and he slowly sank back down to his knees. He tried to focus on the memories one at a time. His mother had died because Obi-Wan dismissed his visions. Could he blame Obi-Wan? Probably but he didn't. Not really. Not after seeing why Obi-Wan stuck to the Jedi code so strictly. Anakin couldn't imagine training his entire life only to be told he was a failure and shipped off to some rejects planet. It was truly incredible that Obi-Wan turned out into such a wonderful man and Jedi. Anakin laughed hollowly. Apparently he was a bad influence, Obi-Wan was definitely no longer the Jedi definition of a perfect Jedi. It would seem he tainted everyone he touched. He corrupted Obi-Wan and caused him so much pain, Padme died because of him and so did a bunch of Jedi. Kriffing hell, he had actually killed Obi-Wan. The vision of his easy acceptance, of allowing Vader to slash his lightsaber through him swam before Anakin's eyes. He slammed his already injured hand into the solid floor once more, hissing in deserved pain. Instead of releasing his pain to the Force, he wrapped it around himself in an attempt to keep it close.
How could he ever fix it?
He felt a pulse of anxiety and concern through the Force and realised it had come from Obi-Wan. Here he was throwing a fit while Obi-Wan worried about him. Not that he deserved it. Should he go back? Could he? Not that he had many options. War raged across the galaxy, it would probably find him no matter where he hid. Besides, he had no right to hide away from this, he should be out there doing everything in his power to make up for what he had done/might do.
Anakin sat back on his heels, hand throbbing. Looking down he realised it was the one that had supposedly been cut off. Then he realised it looked suspiciously like his knuckle was actually sticking out through the skin. Good. He watched as blood ran down his hand and admired the irony of literally having blood on his hands. Then he flexed the hand sending a spike of fresh pain through it. Then he grabbed onto that pain and attempted once more to intensify the peak of the pain so it wasn't just in his hand but all over. Nothing seemed to happen. Something was blocking him from using the Force like that.
"No, Anakin." A quiet but familiar voice echoed in his mind gently. His first thought was that Obi-Wan could sense what he was doing and trying to stop him but the voice wasn't Obi-Wan's. Glancing around he saw that nobody was there. Maybe he had finally gone insane.
"Making yourself suffer is not the answer."
"I deserve it." He muttered to the strange voice.
"You have done nothing yet. What you saw was the actions of a man who doesn't exist. You are not the same Anakin Skywalker." Suddenly Anakin realised why he recognised the voice. It was Qui-Gon Jinn. The familiar Force signature seemed to burn brightly around him. Anakin recalled the memory from so long ago of himself telling Qui-Gon he didn't want to be a burden. A mocking laugh escaped him. Look how that turned out.
"But I could be." He replied.
"I do not think so. The simple fact that you are repulsed by such actions says you will not repeat them."
"I was probably repulsed by the idea of those actions then, until I wasn't." Anakin muttered bitterly.
"You are not a bad person, Anakin. You were a good person that bad things happened to." Qui-Gon told him firmly. Anakin gaped at him. Qui-Gon sounded so sure that he wasn't evil. Desperately he grasped at the idea that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance it was true. "Now get back to Obi-Wan before he has an aneurysm." Qui-Gon added sternly.
"Yes, Master." Anakin said. The presence faded. He needed to assure Obi-Wan that he wasn't angry with him. He may have absolutely hated what he had been told but it did make him slightly happy that Obi-Wan had felt he could confess. That there was no longer this secret between them. The manipulation bothered him a bit but he knew deep down that Obi-Wan had his best interests at heart. Everything he had done had been to stop him making the worst mistake of his life. How could he be angry for that?
Slowly, he forced himself to his feet. The ground felt unsteady beneath him until he realised it was him who was tilting sideways, not the floor. A wave of dizziness washed over him and he had to sit back down for a moment. Eventually it passed and he got up again. The room stayed steady so he tentatively began walking to the exit. Outside, the day had dawned. Anakin realised he had been in the warehouse for hours. Reaching to his Force bond with Obi-Wan he realised the other man was completely frantic and he felt a wave of shame. He hadn't even considered Obi-Wan's feelings about having to live through that horror, let alone recounting it.
Quickly now, Anakin strode through Coruscant, trying to wipe the still falling tears from his eyes, surprised he had any left. He pulled his hood over his face as he approached the Temple. He certainly did not want any other Jedi to see he had been crying all night. Thankfully, he made it back to his and Obi-Wan's quarters without meeting anybody. Tentatively, he pushed the door open. The second it closed he was smacked into with quite some force and he found himself with an armful of Obi-Wan. He wrapped his good hand around the older Jedi and just held him.
"Where have you been? What did you do? Are you ok? Ok, ignore that, stupid question. Are you hurt? I'm so sorry." Obi-Wan began rambling at top speed. It made Anakin chuckle softly despite his own emotions still running rampant. It was enough to make Obi-Wan pull and back look at him.
"I went for a walk and stopped in some abandoned warehouse." He stated honestly. "Definitely not ok though. Can we sit down? I'm rather exhausted and I'm sure you are too." Obi-Wan nodded and they moved to the couch. Anakin absently noted that the apartment was a lot cleaner than when he had left. Then the other man caught sight of his mangled hand.
"Kriffing hell. What the Force happened?" He asked, gently picking up the hand and glancing over it.
"I might have punched the floor a few times." Anakin admitted a little sheepishly.
"Oh, Ani." Obi-Wan sighed. He looked so much older. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you, you don't need this burden."
"You most certainly should have told me." Anakin corrected firmly. "I may not like it, to put it mildly, but I needed to know. I'm impressed you didn't just kill me when you first came back." Obi-Wan gave him a horrified look.
"I could never!"
"Besides, it should be me apologising. I put you through so much, I killed you for Force sake. I can't apologise enough. Nor can I ever make it up to you." He said in a small voice, guilt crushing him. Obi-Wan pulled him into a hug and Anakin didn't have the heart to pull away. He may not deserve comfort but he wasn't strong enough to resist it. Instead, he simply curled himself into Obi-Wan, mindful of his damaged hand. A hand stroked his hair gently. There was so much that still needed to be said but he couldn't find words for any of it so he simply lay curled in a ball with his head in Obi-Wan's lap. He could feel his hair becoming damp as Obi-Wan cried and eventually he drew up the courage to face the other man.
"It wasn't you. It was Vader. The Anakin I knew died." Obi-Wan said softly. "I should have been a better Master."
"No. My choices are my own fault. Not yours."
"But I…" Anakin just shook his head as Obi-Wan began to protest again. They would simply go round in circles. Besides, he would never accept that Obi-Wan had been anything other than a wonderful master who tried his best despite his own grief and pain. Any mistakes he had made had been down to Jedi brainwashing. Anakin paused. He wasn't sure how he felt about the Jedi now. He still didn't appreciate how they treated him but could he blame them? They had been right about him after all. He suspected Mace Windu would have had a field day finding out that Anakin had indeed betrayed them as he had always thought he would.
"I should leave the Jedi." He realised.
"No. You haven't done anything wrong." Obi-Wan protested. "I was planning on talking to Mace and telling him some of this so he can help find a way to stop it." Anakin cringed.
"Well at least he will get some joy out of finding out how right he was about me." He muttered.
"Oh I have no intention of telling him you made a mistake like that. I shall say you died, killed by Palpatine's newest apprentice." Anakin looked at him in astonishment. Even after all of this Obi-Wan was still trying to protect him.
"You can't lie to him about this. He should know."
"I won't be lying. It is the truth, from a certain point of view." Obi-Wan gave him a slight smile. "I will not have you punished for something that has not happened and will not ever happen. All I want is his help in proving Palpatine is a Sith Lord so we can deal with this."
"Why not Master Yoda?"
"Well, I may speak with him as well but I think Mace is more likely to believe me." Obi-Wan explained. Anakin wasn't so sure about that but he wasn't going to argue. He was just so exhausted but terrified to sleep. He knew there would be nothing but nightmares which would do nothing to help him rest. However, Obi-Wan was continuing to stroke his hair and he was in quite a lot of danger of simply falling asleep right there and he would regret that. Not to mention Obi-Wan was probably quite uncomfortable.
"We should probably go and lie down properly." Anakin said.
"No. You should get that hand sorted out." Obi-Wan said sternly. Anakin didn't particularly want to but he knew there was no way the older Jedi would let him get away with just leaving it.
"Right now?" He asked. Obi-Wan paused.
"Yes." Came the eventual reply. Anakin sighed. Then he nodded and reluctantly stood up. To his surprise Obi-Wan stood up as well. He gave him a quizzical glance. "I'm not letting you out of my sight." Anakin didn't argue given that he was secretly pleased. They quickly cleaned themselves up so it wouldn't be obvious they had both been crying and then made their way to the medical ward. Madam Che was there and she glanced up in surprise as they entered.
"I didn't know you knew how to come here voluntarily Master Kenobi." She said.
"It's not for me so it's acceptable." He told her with a smile but Anakin could tell it was strained. Her gaze moved to Anakin. Reluctantly he held up his injured hand and she immediately came over to him tutting.
"Sit down, Knight Skywalker." She indicated a nearby bed and he did as she instructed. After inspecting it for a few minutes she gave him a sympathetic expression. "I'm going to need to set the bone. This will hurt." Anakin just shrugged. He was quite fine with that. Obi-Wan gave him a concerned look at his response but he most certainly did not feel like filling him in. He suspected Obi-Wan wouldn't be too happy to find out he thought he deserved to feel pain. Che offered him a painkiller which he refused and then set about fixing him. Anakin gritted his teeth as she worked but secretly he relished it.
Once she was done she wrapped his hand up with a bacta pad and bandages telling him it should be fine in a couple of days. That was probably a good thing as he had a mission to go on. He didn't fancy telling Windu and Yoda he couldn't go because he had broken his lightsaber hand in a fit of self loathing. Although their faces would make interesting viewing. Hand sorted, Obi-Wan guided him back to their apartment. The emotional roller coaster of the night was catching up with him. He no longer had the energy to feel so he was just numb and exhausted. Obi-Wan took him straight to bed as blackness tinged the edges of his vision. He was just vaguely aware of Obi-Wan undressing him when he finally passed out.
Anakin stood on Mustafar, surrounded by the ominously glowing lava. Obi-Wan stood opposite him and they both had their lightsabers out.
"Anakin this is madness." Obi-Wan called. Anakin wanted to agree, wondering what was going on.
"You betrayed me." His mouth opened without him doing so. He realised he wasn't at all in control of his movements. Without warning, his arm moved, thrusting the lightsaber towards Obi-Wan. Anakin wanted to scream at himself to stop but no sound came out.
"No. I tried to help you. You believed Palpatine's lies."
"He never lied to me! You lied to me. I hate you!" Anakin yelled viciously while his mind screamed that that wasn't true.
"Please, Ani. I love you!" Obi-Wan cried. This wasn't right. In the memory, Obi-Wan had never called him Ani.
"I don't believe you!" They fought and Anakin tried desperately to stop himself. And then in slow motion he watched as Obi-Wan just stopped fighting. He held up his lightsaber in surrender.
"I'm so sorry, Ani. I failed you." He said mournfully and Anakin watched himself thrust his lightsaber straight through the defenceless Obi-Wan.
"NO!" He screamed. He sat bolt upright, sweat dripping off of him. A wave of nausea rolled over him and he leaned over the side of the bed to throw up violently.
"Ani?" Obi-Wan's quiet voice came from beside him. The sound of his nickname made him cringe so violently he fell off the bed with a crash. "Anakin!" The voice became more panicked.
"'M alright." He said.
"Clearly." Came the slightly sarcastic reply. Anakin just sat on the floor, breathing hard. It was just a nightmare. His face was wet with yet more tears and he just wrapped his arms around his knees and hid his face. He heard movement from the bed and then Obi-Wan was beside him, pulling him into a hug and whispering soothing words in his ear. Finally he unwrapped himself and returned the hug. Then Obi-Wan picked him up and put them both back on the bed. This time he made sure Anakin was the one by the wall so he couldn't fall out again. Then Anakin felt himself being pulled to Obi-Wan's chest. He listened to the sound of his heart, thumping in his chest. Alive. Obi-Wan was alive. Anakin had not killed him.
"Nightmare." He muttered despite the fact it was rather obvious.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Anakin shook his head desperately. He glanced up at Obi-Wan and saw the tiredness in his features.
"Have you even tried to sleep?"
"I tried. I was unsuccessful and I rather think I would also be having nightmares even if I managed it." Obi-Wan sighed.
"I'm sorry." Anakin mumbled.
"It's not your fault." Obi-Wan assured him. He decided not to bother arguing. He was too tired. Both men just lay there, taking comfort from each other.
"What was Luke like?" Anakin eventually asked quietly. The boy would never exist now obviously but he still wanted to know about his son. His son. The words were so foreign to Anakin.
"He was quite like you." Obi-Wan said. "Rather impatient." He gave a quiet chuckle and so did Anakin. "He was a wonderful pilot, very loyal to his friends. He even took over looking after Artoo."
"That's good." Anakin smiled. It was nice that his faithful friend had been able to help his son. Luke sounded like a good kid. Obviously he ended up with a lot of Padme in him even if he had inherited some of Anakin's skills. He was a little sad he would never get to meet him. He wanted to ask about Leia but he recalled she had been given to Bail Organa so Obi-Wan probably knew little of her. Obi-Wan kept talking and eventually the soothing tone sent him back to sleep.