All in his Head

Movie

Shay smiled when Kelly sat down on the bar stool next to her. She passed him the beer she'd got for him. It was getting late, but Kelly was glad he'd gone out to meet her, he hadn't been back to work although he was starting to think the distraction would be good for him, being alone in the house wasn't helping his negative thoughts.

"How was he?" she asked him.

"Drugged out his mind…"

"Really?"

Kelly shrugged a little. "Wasn't that bad, but they're giving him benzos every four hours during the day," he explained.

"Nothing else was working?"

"They've been trying everything, even tried moving him to another room, a smaller one with no window, in case it was too stimulating or whatever… made no difference… and then with him, well, trying to hurt himself too…"

"What are they giving him?"

"Valium, they increased his Haldol dose the other day too," he told her.

"Haldol? I thought he was having Compazine?" she said, recalling the pot of pills she'd discovered weeks ago.

"They changed it a couple of weeks ago, not that he was he taking them all the time anyway…"

"Didn't give it much chance to work," she commented.

"The Haldol's better suited apparently… since he worsened… can we talk about something else? I mean, I want to talk about Matt, but… they're drugging him, Shay… I know it won't be forever, and Matt agreed to the Valium, but still…"

"It's hard, scary even," she empathised.

"It's terrifying… seeing him like that, not himself… I mean, what is he thinking? He's so scared and worried, and then he seems fine… I mean… not fine… he's really not himself but he was laughing and joking with me earlier, acting as if he hadn't tried to hurt himself…"

"Kelly, I know you're talking to me, but I was thinking, maybe it would be good if you spoke to a professional too, get some support with this…"

"You think I'm crazy too?"

"I think this is really hard, and it's not gonna get any easier. Did you sit in on one of his therapy sessions today?"

He shook his head. "In a few days, as long as Matt agrees. And why can't it get any easier? Why can't he just get better? I want him back!"

Shay nodded sympathetically. "Me too."

"I'm going to talk to Boden, need to give him some better updates. He needs to know what's happening. Those two are actually really close, Matt loves… loved his chats with him," Kelly said.

She smiled. "Do you know why that it is?"

"Should I?"

She chuckled. "You can be pretty dense sometimes, you know…"

"Hey! You're supposed to be comforting me!"

"They don't chat about work all the time," she told him.

"Yeah, Matt gets on with pretty much anyone..."

Shay was still smiling. "What do you and Boden have in common?"

"My dad, I guess," he said with shrug. "Oh…"

"Yeah, oh," she responded at his realisation.

"No?"

"You don't thing he has a father figure to look up to?"

"Yeah, but it's Boden… he's our chief…"

"You look up to him too, he just plays a slightly more important role in Matt's life," Shay responded.

Kelly shook his head. "His life's so fucked up."

"Do you think I could visit him?" she asked.

"I'm sure that'd be fine… he's not himself though…"

"I know, Kelly," she said, placing a hand on his arm.

"Might do him some good to see someone else, probably fed up of my face," he replied.

"I doubt that."

Shay's visit had been approved, by the hospital and Matt. She was nervous to see him, but it was something she wanted to do, for Matts sake and hers, but she was worried because of the reaction he'd had all those weeks ago when she'd come to the house.

Matt was lying on his left side, back facing the door, when she entered. The head nurse had spoken to her briefly beforehand, explaining about the cameras and also letting her know that Matt hadn't spoken today, but was being cooperative and was happy for Shay to see him still.

Before she spoke, Shay made sure Matt was awake, she didn't want to disturb him if he wasn't. His eyes were open and glazed. She could see his hands trembling.

She smiled and sat down. "Hey, Matt. I was told you don't really wanna talk today, I get that, I can do enough talking for the both us, right?" She glanced around the room. "I'm not a fan of the yellow, suppose it's meant to be calming."

Matts eyes moved, finding hers.

"I can't imagine you like this shade of yellow, maybe a warmer shade though," she said.

Matt looked away again, scrunching his eyes shut for a moment.

"A warm colour and a lot of throws and pillows," Shay continued.

He was frowning now. "Shay?"

"Yeah, it's me," she told him, smiling.

"What you doin' here?" he asked quietly.

"Came to see you," she said.

"They think I'm crazy," he commented.

Shay held a breath.

"Kelly says I'm sick, but I don't feel sick," Matt continued.

She let out the breath she'd held. "I'm glad you don't feel sick."

"Kelly says I'm clingy when I'm sick," he said, words slurring together.

"Does he?"

"Kelly says he likes it… that I'm clingy, not that I'm sick, but I'm not sick or clingy now though," Matt answered.

She smiled at him.

"Kelly says… he says everything's going to be ok," he added quietly, looking ahead past Shay.

"He's right," she responded.

"He always is," Matt said. "Except about the weather, where all the fish are and how to make an omelette."

She frowned. "He can't make an omelette?"

"He can, just not the right way," he explained, shaking his head.

"Oh, I didn't know there was a wrong way."

"It's a weird way," he clarified.

"Do they still taste good?"

"I guess…"

She chucked. "That's all that matters then."

There was a quick knock at the door before a nurse walked in, she was carrying a tray and wearing a smile on her face. "How are you doing, Matt?"

He nodded in response and Shay stood up to leave, thinking they'd need privacy.

"Just meds and lunch, isn't it, Matt?" she spoke, addressing him whilst letting Shay know she could stay. Although she wasn't sure she wanted to stay, not if Matt was going to refuse the nurse.

But he didn't, he swallowed down the medication, proving that he had, and didn't object when the feed pump was connected to his NG tube.

"All done for now, honey, and movie night later, you're going to join us all, yeah?"

"That sounds good," Shay spoke when Matt remained silent.

Matt frowned, looking at the two of them, as if he'd thought he'd been alone. "Good?"

"Movie tonight, sound good?" Shay responded, giving his arm a comforting squeeze.

"Sure," he said.

"All right, be back in soon, Matt," the nurse told him.

"Goodbye," he responded monotonously.

Shay was looking at the NG tube now, she'd not said anything about it, and had tried her best not to gaze at it before, but she shouldn't help it now, and Matt was still turned to the door, having watched the nurse leave. He had lost so much weight, his jawline was even more defined than usual, and his cheekbones were sharp, it wouldn't have been a bad look without the hollowed cheeks and ashen skin. His arms were covered in bruises too and the neckline on his t-shirt hung loosely, exposing stretched skin over bone.

"Hey," she spoke, catching his attention. "I saw some games when I came in, wanna play something. Not chess though, I don't want you to thrash me easily."

"It's missing pieces," he said.

"Oh."

"I think someone swallowed them," he explained as if it was the most normal thing to say.

"Oh… now I'm curious," Shay responded.

"Probably wanted to die," he told her.

"Right, let's move on from that then…."

"I'm not suicidal, don't worry… just a bit crazy," he said despite recent events. "No games, had meds. They're good."

"Good?"

"Stop me hurting people, stop the voices I think…"

"You think?" she asked him.

"I get to see the alpacas… they like me…"

"I like you," she told him, smiling.

Matt frowned, turning to look at her. There was a different expression on his face now. "Huh?"

"Maybe I should let you get some rest, don't want you to sleep through movie night," she said.

"You're coming back?" he asked

"Yeah, you want me to?"

He smiled. "Yes, please."

She leant down and gave his forehead a gentle kiss. "I'll see you soon, Matt."

After Shay left, Matt drifted off to sleep, waking to use the bathroom after asking for permission. He even ate one slice of toast at dinnertime before the nurse attached his NG tube to the feeding pump, and then it was time for movie night. He glanced around at the others in the common room, he'd kept to himself since he'd been admitted, there'd been a few attempts to get him to participate in the group therapy sessions, as well as the arts and crafts activities but he preferred to stay away from everyone.

He was sitting at the back of the room as the movie played. His attention wondered and he found himself gazing up at the ceiling, mind unnervingly blank, mouth parted and drooling, creating a wet patch of saliva on his sweatshirt. His eyes rolled back and his body began to convulse. He fell from the chair and knew no more.

TBC