A/N: I was beginning to think this chapter was as jinxed as Molly's new knickers, have been having IT nightmares (big thank you to Debra for helping me sort it), anyway hopefully it will be plain sailing for here on in (fingers crossed and touch wood etc- although probably shouldn't tempt fate) Not being able to post means I've been beavering away at the next one so it won't be long. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed Chapter 18 for me, your reviews are what keep me going, together with copious amounts of caffeine and regular replays of the S1 DVD. And as always thanks to Flossy, she knows why.

Stick with me baby

We'll find a way

"What you doing?" As if I didn't know "Put me down, muppet"

He'd swung me up off my feet and was kissing a little trail down the back of my neck but he hadn't even shut the bloody door behind us.

"Nice ….. and what do you think I'm doing?"

"Well shut the bloody door first, the neighbours will be out there in a minute"

"And?" He shrugged "It's okay, I don't fancy any of them"

"Very funny … they'll be giving you marks out of ten"

"Obviously ten out of ten … better?" He kicked the door shut without looking at it and without stopping kissing the bit on my neck that he knows always gets me going. Sometimes I think he knows me a bit too well.

"Yeah … 'ang on, hang on a tic" He didn't "Just wait a minute, will you? I'm all sweaty … and disgusting, haven't even had a proper wash, I'm minging, me"

All that in the car, you know, stroking his leg and the rest had been a bit of me doing what I knew would distract him, because I didn't want to talk about the things I didn't want to talk about. Alright I admit, as well as enjoying myself. But that didn't mean I didn't know how bad I bloody stink, not that it seemed to be bothering him much.

"Nope … you're perfect"

"What … apart from the way I stink?"

"Well, now you come to mention it, I suppose there is that"

"Shut up … you didn't need to agree with me, but I really do need a bath"

"Lovely, good idea …we can share"

"It's not big enough, you know that"

"That's not what you usually say" He put his head back and roared.

"I lie a lot … and I was talking about the bloody bath, not … nothing else"

"Bloody glad to hear that" He was still laughing and then suddenly stopped and went all serious on me "Moll?"

"What?" I didn't want us to get all serious, I wanted to carry on laughing, the last couple of days had been a bit too full on for my liking "You gonna tell me that I do stink after all, aren't you?"

He ignored that and just shook his head "You do know, don't you, how sorry I am? I can't remember if I told you, but … what she did was fucking ridiculous, even for my mother it was stupid beyond belief and … well, just in case I didn't tell you before, I'm telling you now … I'm sorry"

"Yeah, I know … and you did, you said sorry, and it wasn't your fault, was it? Don't worry …"

To be honest, I couldn't swear if he'd actually said it or not, but I knew that if he could he'd turn the fucking clock back and make it so it never happened, all that shit with his mum inviting her I mean. I know that if he'd known we'd have given the party a miss, but what I'm not sure about and what I wish I knew for sure is whether he wishes Amber hadn't happened. Well, no, that's not exactly true, I'm sure he does, or at least that he wishes I didn't know about her, but I'm pretty bloody sure he doesn't wish that half as much as I do. I know I should be able to put it in that cupboard under the stairs with all the other shit I want to forget, but for three years had done my best to bury any thoughts of him being with someone else, I'd told myself he'd be going without. I know, bit unlikely to say the least, okay totally fucking stupid, he was never going to be some sort of monk, was he? And it wasn't like I hadn't thought about doing the exact same thing myself. I don't think I was that bothered about him having the odd one-nighter, well, I wasn't exactly delirious, but I knew he didn't love them, but now I'd begun to think about him and Barbie, I hated that I couldn't put it out of my head. When we'd got back together, I was just bleeding happy that she was toast which meant she could take her nice habit of looking down her nose at me and shove it, but that was then and it's all changed.

"S'alright … you can't help it if your mother's a cow … s'not your fault"

His little chuckle sounded like it had escaped without him meaning to laugh, like it was against his better judgement or something, but he didn't say to stop or that I was being horrible or inappropriate or anything. And I do know it's one of them things that comes under the heading of stuff you shouldn't say about his mother. But I'd been lying when I said it was alright, okay it was a bit more alright than it had been at the time and it was getting more alright now we were home, and I do know that what happened wasn't his fault. That it wouldn't be fair for me to keep on blaming him, but it's not my fault either, is it?

-OG-

We were standing in the hallway and he'd turned me round so that we were just holding each other and not saying anything and all I could hear was his steady breathing and my pulse drumming in my ears. He leaned back a little bit and then wiped my hair back behind my ear before smiling down at me. I love it when he smiles at me like that and I love the way his skin smells, it almost makes me want to inhale him, like catnip or something and I can't get close enough or get enough of it. Well, he definitely smells a whole lot better than I do, no-one in their right mind would want to inhale me. I leaned in against him and rested my head against his chest, could hear his heart was hammering away in the same way mine was banging against my ribs, and all I wanted was to make everything right. I didn't want to fight anymore and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way as he laced his fingers through mine and lifted my hand to his lips.

"Come on, bedtime" He began to tug me behind him "I think it's time I showed you exactly how much I love you"

"I already know how much you love me …"

"Do you? Lovely … then hurry up and you can show me exactly how much you love me"

"Who said I do?"

"You did …" He stopped walking and looked down at me with that funny serious look on his face again "Sometimes, Moll I look at you and have remind myself that you're really here, that I didn't lose you after all … nothing's changed, you know, you're still the most important person in the world to me … the only thing that matters is making you happy … and doing everything I can to make sure nothing hurts you"

"Soppy bugger … 'n I know all that don't I?" Don't know why I said that, actually I got no idea, it's just when he says stuff like that, it still always makes me go all squirmy inside "You don't need to worry about me, mate, you know I'm tough … got a medal for it, haven't I?"

I thought it would make him laugh, but it didn't, he just kept on looking at me with that same serious look in his eyes "I can look after meself … hard as nails, me …"

"No, you're not … and I wish it was that easy"

"It is, really it is … just …. try"

I can't say anything now about the worries I got about him and bloody Amber, can I? Not when I've just spouted all that bollocks about being tough and that things don't bother me. He's right though, we both know that, it's not always the truth, sometimes I think I'm just good at putting on a show so as not to let anyone see how I feel. But I do know that he can't go back and change history, he can't airbrush her out of the past, mores the bloody pity.

-OG-

We did have that bath together, eventually. Same as we did end up with loads of bubbles overflowing and flooding the bleeding bathroom floor, exactly like I knew we would. I was right, our bath is far too bloody small for the two of us, especially when neither of us is happy with the tap end and one of us is a fucking daddy-long-legs who has to have his knees out the water to make room for me to sit between his legs so I can lean back against him. Didn't matter though, it was never about having a bath exactly, was it? And we ended up going back to bed and spending the rest of the day making each other happy all over again.

Trouble was that meant all the stuff he'd planned to sort out on the last day of his leave got a bit forgotten so he had to get out of bed next day almost in the middle of the night to sort himself out. I just shut my eyes and pretended to still be asleep, didn't I? It was pitch dark and freezing bloody cold and tipping it down, and it was lovely and warm in the bed, but he sounded like he meant it when he said it had been worth it. Think he did anyway.

I still hadn't said anything to him about Amber, well, we'd made up and I didn't want to ruin things by talking about all of that, did I?

-OG-

I've got no idea why I'd thought it would be killing two birds and that and why I thought it would be a good idea, but I had to get out, couldn't spend another evening doing what I'd been doing and I hadn't seen much of Claire, was a bit worried she'd think I was neglecting her. And I had been thinking of doing some sort of exercise thing to try and get a little bit fitter before I started going out running with Charles, hadn't I? I was still bothered about showing myself up in front of him, but on the other hand I had no wish to train for the sodding Olympics. But too late to change my mind and walk away though, not when we've paid a small bleeding fortune to stand in a sodding circle and be yelled at by some nut-job who's missed his calling as an army P.T instructor. Actually, I wouldn't be totally shocked if I found out his day job is torturing squaddies and that he's just bloody moonlighting at this lark. Jumping jacks for fuck sake? Jumping jacks? And according to Saddam Hussain we can't stop till he says, or until we keel over and drop down dead. Okay he didn't actually say the last bit, but bloody hell, if this was the warm up I was going to be a puddle on the floor by the time we're warm enough. Much more of it and I was going to need the de-fib, could only hope they'd got one handy and that some bugger knew how to use the fucking thing.

It's sad isn't it how I used to be such a fit bloody soldier? Used to pride myself on it and now look at me, I mean we've only been at it about a year, alright five sodding minutes, and I'm already sweating buckets. I feel disgusting, there's sweat pouring out of everywhere and I'd forgotten how gross it is to have sweat pooling in my sports bra and to know that every stitch I've got on is going to be wringing wet by the time we're done. And not in a sexy way, either, in a horribly sweaty, smelly, sticking to me way and how come other people look all sexy and sleek in their lycra and I look total shit? I'd bought this yellow top to look the part when I get all fit and start going out running, it's lycra and tight and was bleeding expensive, has got all these strappy bits and I thought I'd give it an airing but when I looked in the mirror all I could see was I looked like a half-peeled banana. Should have sent it back, too late now it's soaked in sweat and anyway I really should have known it's always better to wear a baggy black 't' shirt to hide the sweat. I'd forgotten what it feels like to have my scalp prickling with trickles of sweat and my hair sticking to my face which I bloody know is the colour of an over-ripe tomato. I bet it clashes with my top. And I could have been curled up on the sofa in my pyjamas eating biscuits.

He went back to work a couple of days ago and I'm already pissed off with wondering how much longer he's going to be getting home, when to get the dinner on, clock watching and telling myself not to. And I'm pissed off with lying to him about it, telling him I hadn't noticed what the time is. He's busy. I know that. He's got to get to know his new section and what he's doing and he's got to get things sorted and get used to being Major James not Captain and all the rest of it and I know he's dead tired when he gets home. I bloody know all that. Same as I know he'd have been a bit better organised and ready before he went back if it hadn't been for me distracting him. Still, he was happy enough to be distracted, wasn't he? Didn't hear him complaining.

Before, I'd been happy doing my own thing, well, happyish, had been getting more and more used to being on my own and pleasing myself. Yeah, I'd missed him, not going to deny that, but had quite liked not having to kowtow to anyone. I could please myself what I did, and when, and I could eat what I liked, could have Coco-Pops for dinner if I wanted, it was no-one else's business was it? And I'd told him I didn't want things to change, but they already are. I can see that but it's not like he's said anything, I'm sure it's not what he expects, but I'm slowly starting to do the things I said I would never do again. How bloody stupid is that?

This malarkey is bloody stupid as well. I am far too bloody unfit to be jumping about being shouted at by some Popeye lookalike who's got the biceps to prove he's had his spinach today. Yelling at us over the top of the naff 90s dance music that his side-kick picked in a way that I think is meant to be encouraging. It's not. No matter what Claire said earlier this is NOT a they're beginners so go gentle on them class. Mind you it's a bit worrying that not even she looks like she's suffering and neither do any of the others, most of them have got these stupid bloody happy grins on their faces which makes me think they must of all taken something before we started.

"Come on … you guys … keep going … AWESOME … come on, lots of effort, last little push"

Some other sadist used to call me awesome, didn't he? After he'd made me run round a bloody dusty compound in 40 degree heat and then when I was sweating like a pig he'd threaten me with having to clean the bogs if I slowed down. I'd give anything to be at home cuddling up on the sofa with him right now.

"That's it … now … running on the spot … come on you guys … after 3 …1 and 2 and 3…and . " At least running on the spot will give my poor aching arms a rest "Feel the blood pumping … come on, feel it, doesn't it make you feel alive?"

Nah. It makes me feel like I'm about to drop down and die and if I knew what his name was I'd bloody tell him I've had enough. But you can't say "Oi You" can you to someone who's told you their name?

After a couple of years of running on the spot, okay, admittedly it might have been more like five minutes, and being yelled at to get our knees up, he decided we were warm enough. Which was a bit of an understatement far as I was concerned and believe me if I did get my knees up any bloody higher, I'd have been bashing my fillings out my sodding teeth, we were told we could run round instead of on the spot. Lovely. Every other bugger, even Claire, now had this mad grin on their faces as they ran past him and did high-fives, they're all obviously as bloody deranged as he is.

-OG-

"Piss off sunshine"

Jeez, now we've got to put up with Popeye's side-kick doing his best to smarm his way into talking us into signing up to something, he's waving his bloody blue clipboard around and spouting stuff about cardio. He's bloody looking for victims for the Boxercise class, whatever the fuck that is. Fat chance.

"Ignore my friend, she doesn't mean it"

Claire was smiling at him, all fluttering eyelashes and simpering like she knew him or something, although I'm pretty sure neither of us have ever clapped eyes on him before we'd seen him helping Popeye try and kill us.

"And you're right, this was our first time … and we really enjoyed it … but no, we hadn't really thought about doing Boxercise"

What? Enjoyed it? Speak for yourself. Obviously whatever drugs the other muppets had taken they must have shared them with her. Hark at her, I'll bet she doesn't know what Boxerthingy is any more than I do.

"What do you mean, I don't mean it? I bloody do, and it might have been our first go … but it was definitely the last"

"Molly … shut up, will you? You're being rude and you don't speak for me anyway" She switched off the huffy voice and stuck that stupid grin back on her face as she turned back to speak to Popeye's mate "I'll probably come another time, will maybe try the boxing thing, it sounds great, but I'll need to see how I'm fixed"

Just for a minute there was a gutted look on his face as it slowly dawned on him that neither of us were going to sign up for anything and then he did his best to look as though he wasn't bothered as he wandered off clutching his clipboard. To give him his due he didn't try and talk us round, maybe he could see that it'd be a waste of his breath, think he knew as well as I did that she's not going to think about it, she was only saying that to get rid. Claire had been every bit as knackered and sweaty as me when we were in the showers, she'd been swearing "never again" just as loud as I had, although he probably couldn't hear.

"You know, you could have tried to be a bit nicer to him"

"Why?"

"Because … Listen, you might be all sorted and settled and married to a sexpot and dead boring, but I'm not, I'm still looking, aren't I? And the gym's supposed to be top of the list of wicked places to pull so I don't need you being like that, it's not very helpful"

To be honest I didn't take her huffiness very seriously, but being called boring stung a bit. I hadn't realised I was boring.

"How was your weekend with Mr Sex on Legs anyway? Did you see your mother-in-law?" She sniggered "Happy to see you after all this time, was she?"

"Stop being horrible and don't call him that … 'n stop bloody gloating … if you must know it was pretty shit, but then no surprise there, I told you it was gonna be, didn't I? She bloody hates me…"

"Well you hate her so there you go …" Claire shrugged, but she doesn't get it, everyone loves Claire, don't they? "What? She didn't tell you that, did she?"

"Nah, she didn't have to, she invited his ex to the party … she invited Ginger Fucking Barbie"

"She didn't? Fuck me … so what did you do? Shit Moll, you didn't deck her, did you?"

"Who … his mother? … Nah .. I was bloody tempted, but you'd have been proud of me"

"Well, I didn't mean her necessarily, I was talking about Barbie"

"Nah …. well, she wasn't actually there … so nah I never, but she was invited so she could have been"

"Just had a thought, if we do his boxing thing, you can stick her picture on whatever you hit and pretend it's her … and his mother if you want" Claire seemed to be finding the thought hilarious "What did Mr Wonderful have to say about it?"

"His name is Charles … and he was a bit pissed at her actually, nah, to be fair he was very fucking pissed at her, told her we wasn't going there for Christmas, said we was going somewhere hot instead just the two of us to sit on a beach"

"That's nice"

"Is it? First I'd bloody heard of it … he hadn't said anything like that … so couldn't help thinking he only said it to get up her nose … gotta say if that was it, it bloody well worked … she was fucking furious … To be honest the whole thing, the weekend, the party, her, all of it was total shit, I couldn't stop thinking about him and that ginger cow and wondering what he saw in her … and then thinking about them there together in that house"

"Shit … What did he say?"

"Nothing …. well I never exactly said anything to him, did I?"

"Why the fuck not?"

"I dunno … 'n you don't need to tell me I should of, I do know that"

"Yeah … not like you to be a muppet Moll, you okay?" For a minute she sounded like my mate Claire who really cared about how I was feeling "You're not sorry … are you, you know … about … things?"

"Yeah, course I'm alright, and nah I'm not sorry, why would I be?"

Claire was waving her glass about and swearing in the general direction of the bloke standing down the other end of the bar chatting when he was supposed to be serving. She was getting a teeny bit cross with having to jump up and down to get him to notice it was time for a refill. Not for me. I couldn't face a proper drink, not after all that sweating and charging round trying not to trip over someone else's feet. I'd been horribly afraid I'd fall over and if I did, I'd never be able to get up again. And I'd been trying to avoid getting caught and overtaken by whichever lunatic was running so close behind me I could hear them breathing, but now that it was over, I thought it best to stick to sipping a glass of water. I had no intention of drinking anything that would put back all the calories I'd just sweated, and anyway I'd had enough trouble not puking after I'd glugged back half a bottle of water when we'd finally finished. I'd had to unstick my tongue from where it was superglued to the roof of my mouth. Somehow or other in the last few years I've forgotten what all that feels like.

"So, where is he tonight then … keeping the bed warm?"

"Course … Nah, he won't even be home yet … and Claire … just because I'm married it don't mean I don't know about being on the pull … it's not been that long, it's just that bloke … Popeye's mate … I knew loads like him in the army, bloody cocky and full of shit, and I don't mean to be boring and I know you're gonna say it's none of my business, but he's not good enough for you, for fuck sake he's another Poundland Prince Charming like bloody Simon with the bad breath"

"You're right, it is none of your business … And you're right about being boring … Forgotten all about Mr Chipolata already, have we?"

"Nah… course not … alright … yeah, maybe … okay, you might have a point"

I'm honestly beginning to wonder about whether Claire still wants us to be the sort of mates we've always been, I bloody hope she isn't about to dump me and that all this is just something and nothing, because I'll really miss her if she stops wanting to be my mate. Not sure I'll miss her being annoyed with me all the time though, that's beginning to get on my tits.

-OG-

"Delhi?"

Shit, not entirely sure where that is, India or Pakistan or somewhere like that, India I think, but my geography is pretty shit. Failed it didn't I? Not going to ask because I think they'd think I should know and I don't want to look like a cretin. I'm not 100% sure I want to go anywhere at all, least of all somewhere that's going to be a very long trip. Last night on the bus going home I'd been struggling to stay awake and had decided I really have got to work properly on getting a bit more fit before I'm fit enough to go out running. Sitting on a plane for sodding hours and then eating my own body weight in hotel food is not going to do anything much to help, is it?

-OG-