Furinkan High was, despite outwardly appearing normal, not the most typical of Japanese schools. As mentioned earlier, it is run by a man who has a palm tree growing out of his head. A terrifying Chinese warrior girl was able to be registered with little to no problem. And at least half the clubs were fronts for different, arguably illegal activities. Yet none of this was in the mind of a pair of its students. Namely the aforementioned terrifying Chinese warrior girl and Akane Tendo. It had been some time since the entire "Martial Arts Maid" incident and Akane was concerning herself with important matters like homework and test scores.
"So anyways then Sayuri told Daisuke…" Akane was gossiping to Shampoo about something she had seen at lunch today. Namely one of Ranma's friends attempting to ask one of Akane's friends out on a date. With hilarious results. But this story would not be told, because a fellow student dressed up as a clown in a noh mask jumped out from the shadows.
"Akane Tendo!" he said, bowing in front of her, "Please perform in our play!"
"No." Akane said without even stopping to take a breath, she walked past him.
The Noh Mask man didn't stop there, he began following the pair. "Please Miss Tendo! You're the only one who I can think of to play this role!"
"I hate acting, I hate being in plays. So no." Akane said, begging to walk a little faster.
"But if you can't do it nobody can!" He sobbed.
That's when Shampoo turned on her heel and picked him up by the neck. "Lady Akane said no. So be a nice man and go away."
"But the role-" He began speaking, but Shampoo started squeezing.
"Shampoo." Akane said in a tired tone, "Put him down."
Shampoo let him drop to the ground.
Akane turned back to the Noh Mask man. "Listen here, I am sick and tired of always being asked to play the Amazon Queen, or the Lady Sumo, or some other nonsense!" Akane said, "So take a hike, find some other girl to play some crazy brawler type!"
"Brawler type!?" The Noh Mask said in shock. "That's not what I need you for at all. No, hearing about the beautiful love triangle between yourself, Ranma Saotome and Tatewaki Kuno-"
"What love triangle between me Ranma and Kuno!?" Akane shouted.
"Technically a side on a love triangle doesn't need to be reciprocated for it to qualify!" Damn. Beaten by a technicality. Now she'd have to shower for a week to feel clean again. "Now, someone in such a situation is perfect to play…"
Akane turned the corner and began walking far, far away from this weirdo.
"...Juliet!"
Shampoo stared in confusion when Akane started walking backwards to the clown. She stopped in front of him, turned around in perfect sync with how she had turned away from him previously, and picked him up by the collar. "Did you say Juliet!?"
"Yes," the Noh Mask said. It was astonishing. That was a single syllable word, but in the time he'd said it Akane had somehow acquired no less than five desks, stacked them all up, climbed to the top and arranged for a spotlight to shine down on her.
"Why can't she be that fast when fighting...?" Shampoo wondered.
"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Akane said dramatically from on top of the desk pile.
By this point the commotion had attracted a crowd. Shampoo saw Ranma come in from the crowd.
"I think Daisuke's going to be OK after what Sayuri di- Why is Akane reciting gibberish." Ranma said.
"She's reciting soliloquies from Romeo and Juliet Master." Shampoo said.
"Huh. Shouldn't there be a monkey and dog then?" Ranma said.
"...do you know what Romeo and Juliet is?" Shampoo said.
"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow." Akane continued to pontificate.
"It's that guy who was born in a peach right?" Ranma said.
"...Master that is not even the same continent, let alone story." Shampoo said.
"Or maybe the guy who wears the deerstalker and solves mysteries?"
"OK closer but off by a couple centuries." Shampoo said, "It's a play by William Shakespeare, one of the great playwrights of the English language. "
"Oh, I got it! The guy who wrote a poem about a mouse!"
"... I'm surprised Master has heard of Burns but not know who Romeo and Juliet are, but okay." Shampoo sighed, "It's about a pair of young lovers whose family is a collection of idiots and every turn their relationship takes is a struggle dealing with them."
"...huh that sounds like me and Akane." Ranma said, before noticing that he was in public. "Not that me and Akane have a relationship!"
Shampoo immediately produced a notepad. "Don't... let... Master and Lady Akane... Marry in secret... Or find out about sleeping poison... Can only lead to misery."
"So you'll take the role?" The Noh Mask clown said.
"Yes! Of course!" Akane said. Then the desks toppled over, and promptly left Akane buried underneath them. "I'm okay!"
"You sure this isn't going to lead to misery no matter what?" Ranma said dryly.
The Noh Mask guy, who was apparently the President of the Drama club, lead Akane to the drama club room. Where there were dozens of people running around and reciting bits of dialogue that sounded several centuries out of date to Ranma.
There was one person who Akane recognized, though only barely. Namely Furinkan High's American Otaku, Alice Rosario. "A-ah! Tendo!" She said happily.
"Aren't you in the anime club?" Akane asked.
"Occult Club, but I was asked to help with costuming and I totally said yes when I heard you would be playing Juliet!" Alice said happily.
Shampoo side-eyed the Noh Mask Clown, "So you told everybody Lady Akane would be playing Juliet before she said yes."
"Err-" The guy began.
"Indeed!" A new, and incredibly irritating voice rang out. Akane felt her soul die a little, because Tatewaki Kuno had entered the stage. "None other than Akane Tendo can be my Juilet! For none other then I, Tatewaki Kuno, Age Seventeen, can be Romeo!" He declared.
Akane and Shampoo both glared at the Noh Mask Guy, "Did you already cast him as Romeo!?" Akane asked, while Shampoo cracked her knuckles.
He clearly still remembered Shampoo's hand on his throat, "N-No! Of course not! I was going to hold an audition once you came in."
Fortunately for him, survival instinct had already warned him off that casting choice a long time ago.
"If I can play Romeo, I can kiss Akane!" Gosunkugi said. Clearly lacking in that same survival instinct.
"Ack! President! When did you get here?" Alice said.
"I've been here the entire time!" He whined.
"Err, no offense but you don't quite have the presence to be Romeo…" Alice said.
And then Kuno drew his bokken, "Ah! Any fools who wish to be Romeo must defeat me in single combat!" He declared, and immediately half the males hoping to play Romeo because Akane was Juilet backed off. The other half had been part of the group attacking Akane each morning so clearly they lacked survival instinct.
"We'll be Akane's Romeo!" They shouted and charged Kuno.
"Heheheehee all I have to do is wait for those idiots to beat each other up!" Gosunkugi said, pulling out a straw doll and hammering it into a nearby wall.
Akane groaned, "This is a mess." She looked over at Ranma.
Ranma had pulled out a bucket of popcorn and a soda. "Man are plays always this interesting backstage?"
"Usually there's less actual violence." Akane said.
"Still, I don't get why they're all so eager to play this Romeo guy…" Ranma said.
Shampoo sighed, "Master…" She looked over to Akane,. "Do you want help Lady Akane?"
"Err, I mean, if you want." Akane.
"OK." Shampoo said, with that she jumped into the middle of the brawl. And every single boy, including Kuno, was sent flying into the walls. They landed in neat piles, except for Kuno, he landed on his head by his lonesome. "Question!" She said to the Noh Mask Clown.
"Err, yes?" He said.
"Does a man have to play Romeo?" Shampoo said, "Because I'll gladly play him."
Kuno was back up in the middle of Shampoo's business. "Pardon me Miss Shampoo but this is not the sort of thing-" he began, but then Shampoo grabbed his wrist.
"Why, such is love's transgression." she said in English, slamming Kuno into the ground, "Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast, Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prest?"
Everybody stared at her.
"Err, you speak English?" The Noh Mask Clown said.
"I saw the play in Hong Kong many times." Shampoo said.
"Shampoo… playing… Romeo…" Alice said, and began shaking. "Yes! Yes yes Oh god yes! She's perfect for the role!"
The President of the Drama Club spoke up, "Uh, Rosario I make that decis-"
Everybody stared at Alice, who despite not being a very physical person, drop kicked the Noh Mask Clown into the air and out into the distance through the ceiling, "Shampoo is Romeo! Any objections!" She shouted, a battle aura forming around her.
Nobody raised their voices.
"Excellent! Now, I'll get to work on costuming, your first practice session is this Friday Tendo!" She said, and skipped off the stage.
"So why did you change your mind about plays when you were offered to play Juliet?" Shampoo asked. The three were now walking home, the repair crew already patching up the new hole in the school's ceiling.
Akane clenched her fists, "All my life whenever the class would put on plays they'd make me play the boy roles! Or some action heroine! All because I know martial arts." She sighed, "When I was just a kid our class put on Romeo and Juliet. I wanted to be Juliet! But they insisted I be Romeo I was so ready to put on a pretty dress, but no, they put me in pants and handed me a sword."
"You're very good with a sword Lady Akane." Shampoo said.
"Not the point!"
"But now, now I can be Juliet, the most beautiful woman in the world." Akane said with a happy sight.
"So why the heck did all those guys want to play your dad then." Ranma said.
Shampoo and Akane both turned back to Ranma. "Master. Didn't I explain the plot to you earlier?"
"I mean, yeah. But Kuno and Gosunkugi are idiots. So of course Romeo is, like, Juliet's idiot dad right?"
"Master Romeo and Juliet are the lovers in question." Shampoo said, "And there are scenes where they kiss, which is why those idiot boys wanted to play him." All of a sudden, certain idiot boys felt the cold specter of death touch their shoulders.
"Oh." Ranma said, "So wait, you knew that and you didn't offer me to play him?" He asked. Sure, it would have been a pain but if Romeo was Juliet's lover he thought that maybe he should at least be offered first. To decline of course because he wasn't going to kiss Akane in public no way.
"You thought he was a peach!" Shampoo said, "I will not have you disrespect the Bard with something like that Master, there are limits."
That's when Ranma thought about something "But wait if Romeo kisses Juliet that means everybody will see Shampoo kiss-"
"It's a play Ranma, they'll just see it as us acting." Akane said with little huff.
"Said by someone who doesn't understand perverted boys as well as she thinks she does." Ranma said. He was already imagining what Hiroshi and Daisuke would say when they heard about it. Well, Hiroshi. Who knew if Daisuke was in a state to be talking.
"Oh that's nice. You were really cute as Romeo, but I'm sure you'll be great as Juliet." Kasumi said, while Shampoo served them all dinner.
"Oh boy, can't wait to see what kind of mess happens when the boys fight over who gets to be Romeo." Nabiki said.
"We solved that already." Akane said, "Shampoo is playing Romeo."
Nabiki and Kasumi both stared at Akane for a moment, then back to Shampoo. Who was pouring Ranma a drink. "That's… interesting." Nabiki said.
"It's no big deal." Shampoo said, conspicuously giving Akane a larger serving than Nabiki. "In Shakespeare's time all the roles were played by men. And isn't there an all women theater troupe here in Japan?"
"Invoking Takarazuka is not exactly the ironclad defense you think it is Shampoo." Nabiki said.
"Well this all sounds lovely." Soun said, and then leaned in closer to Genma, "Saotome, I have no idea what this play is about." He whispered.
"Well, you see, Romeo is the last survivor of the Planet Krypton when it blew up." Genma whispered back.
"Ah, so what's odd about Shampoo playing him?" Soun said.
"I think it's the whole Foreigner and alien thing." Genma said.
"That makes perfect sense." Soun said.
Shampoo sighed, she had overheard them both completely. Their whispers were rather loud, after all. Ironically they could be called 'Stage whispers.' '"In some way they're worse than the Montagues and Capulets." She muttered to herself.
Akane skipped ahead of Shampoo, humming some cheerful little tune Shampoo didn't know. It was Friday, and school had ended so it was off to the Drama club room to begin the first rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet. Shampoo herself was a bit more pensive. Who knew what kind of weirdos would try and use this to take advantage of her Lady? Sure she had taken the role of Romeo to help stave them off, but there were so many scenes with Juliet on stage without Romeo!
So she would be vigilant. She would watch carefully, she would make sure that nothing caught her off guard!
They entered the Drama Club and saw a bunch of people in what looked like robot cosplay running around. "What." Shampoo said.
Akane looked around. "Did we stumble across a different play?"
"Ah! Tendo! Shampoo!" Alice jumped up from behind a prop. "The stars have arrived!"
"Rosario what is this?" Akane said.
"Ah, well, you see, I thought that going through the usual generic outfits was boring." She pulled out a notebook from a backpack. "So, it came to me the other day, how about we re-imagine the play as a sci-fi yuri drama!"
"I only understood some of the words that came out of your mouth." Shampoo said.
"I have the basic designs for the costumes for you both, tell me what you think." She opened up the notebook and pushed the drawings into Akane and Shampoo's faces.
The first design was clearly meant for Akane. It was a sketch of her in a dress, of sorts. A blue skirt that was longer in the back then the front. It flared out behind her like wings but the front was a mini-skirt, which shoved off her legs. Said legs were mostly covered with thigh-high stockings, but a thin stripe of skin was shown between the stockings and the miniskirt. Her blouse was white with a sort of light blue shawl hovering above her shoulders. And, of course, there was a fair bit of cleavage being shown. She also had long gloves that covered most of her arms, and a pair of earrings as well.
The drawing of Shampoo, on the other hand, had what looked like some fancy military uniform. Sharp black pants and a button up shirt and red jacket. Also, a cravatte of all things. Plus what looked like a sword hilt without the sword on her side. Less elaborate than Akane's, but no less fancy.
"Uhh… you're going to be making this costume?" Akane said.
"Yup. Any suggestions?" Alice said, hearts in her eyes.
"Why is it just a sword hilt?" Shampoo said.
"Oh it's going to be an energy sword in the play. Sci-fi!" Alice said, before pocketing the note-book.
"Right. Well, I suppose the dress is cute." Akane said. "And Shampoo would look nice in that, right?"
"If Lady Akane things so." Shampoo shrugged. Personally she preferred girlier outfits overall, and in her mind they'd look better if the outfits were swapped. But that wasn't what Akane wanted, so Shampoo would go with it.
"Pardon me!" Another voice shouted out. Akane and Shampoo turned around to see Kyoko Matsuoka having barged her way into the room. "Rosario! We need to talk."
"What is it Vice President? I'm showing Tendo and Shampoo their cos-" Kyoko grabbed Alice by the ear. "Ow! Let go!"
"This is club business excuse me." Kyoko said, dragging Alice to the back of the stage.
"What. Are. You. Doing!?" Kyoko hissed.
"I'm helping the Drama clu-"
"You've taken over the Drama club." Kyoko threw in.
"OK fine. I'm guiding them to the best Romeo and Juliet play ever made." Alice said, "And what business is it of yours Kyoko!"
Kyoko clenched her fists, "You think I'm going to accept you having Shampoo as Akane's Romeo! There's only one woman who can fulfill that role! I'm going to find her and make su-"
"You forgot about the non-interference clause of the Club Charter, Vice President Kyoko." Alice said.
Kyoko froze. "Oh... oh damn it."
Now, the Anti-Male-Ranma club had many different factions on how Akane, Shampoo and the Female Ranma should end up after being freed from the Male Ranma's evil influence. As mentioned earlier it was mostly shipping arguments, with each of the three leaders of the club representing a faction. To prevent the club from erupting into civil war a Non-Interference Clause was set up.
In short, if a club member set up a plan that, say, shipped Akane and Shampoo together, the faction that wanted Akane to go with the Female Ranma were not allowed to interfere. They had to assist in whatever way the club deemed necessary. Otherwise they would get kicked out and lack the club's resources for their schemes.
"Where are you getting the money for all this stuff anyways?" A new voice said that made both girls jump.
"Eeek! President!?" Alice shouted, "When did you get here?"
Gosunkugi frowned, "I've been here the entire time! I got the role of Friar John remember?"
"Oh right." Alice said, "I didn't really pay attention to any of the bit roles."
"The President has a point, this is far too elaborate for a school play." Kyoko said, "Where is the Drama Club getting this?"
"Oh the Drama Club isn't, the Anti-Male-Ranma Club is funding this." Alice said casually, and both Kyoko and Gosunkugi turned pure white. Which was impressive when you consider how pale both of them usually are.
"What!?" They both shouted at once.
"Akane and Shampoo kissing on stage sure as heck sounds like something this club should support! Who do you guys think all the extras are!"
Kyoko peered back on the stage. It was true. The Shamkane faction of the Anti-Male Ranma club were the extras! How devious!
"Where did we get the money to pay for this!?" Gosunkugi asked.
Alice frowned, "Ok, I know I'm the Treasurer but did anybody else ever look at the, ah, 'Occult Club's' budget?" She pulled out what looked like a very thick ledger. "Basically the Occult Club's been part of Furinkan High for, well, years now. Yet, as far as I can tell, it didn't have any members until you and Koyko joined President."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Kyoko asked.
"Well, just because the club didn't have any members doesn't mean the school didn't deposit money into its budget. Year, after year, after year an empty club got money for school activities. And even when you two joined neither of you ever used any of it." Alice said. For some reason neither of them bothered to spend any more. Instead just bringing over their own creepy books and using the Photography Club's Dark Room to develop pictures of Akane.
"So… how much money does our club's budget have?" Kyoko asked.
Alice flipped through the ledger, "Ahh... functionally infinite. This entire play is like, 0.01% of the club's budget. Getting all those cats cost more. Especially since the last member before you guys joined, back in the 60s, some 'Ozuno Tsubame' guy somehow hooked it up to a stock portfolio."
"That… why is the club funded like this?" Gosunkugi said.
"I've heard the Principal's of Furinkan High are insane." Alice said with a shrug.
Of course, then a thought came to Gosunkuigi's mind. His face turned paler than usual, "Rosario!" He grabbed her shoulders. "We can not ever let Nabiki Tendo find out about this, understand!" He said this with such willpower, more than they had ever seen their Club President use before. That they both nodded solemnly.
"Of course H-Hikaru." Kyoko said.
Back up on the stage, Akane and Shampoo had been practicing their lines with some people who had come to play less minor parts. But now they were going to practice the scene where Romeo and Juliet met for the first time. They both had their scripts in one hand, but the other was free to gesture.
As Shampoo made very obvious. By taking Akane's free hand with hers. "If I profane with my unworthiest hand. This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:" Then she leaned down to kiss Akane's hand. "My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand. To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."
Akane's face turned bright pink, she stared slack jawed for a moment before she remembered that she needed to read her lines. "Good… good… good Pilgrim! You do wrong your lips, err, hand, too much. Which beaut- devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims, ha-hands do… doooooo" She looked back down at her script, "Touch!" She looked back up at Shampoo, "And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."
At that point Shampoo used her free hand to pull Akane close, her hand resting on Akane's hip. "Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?" She leaned in close to Akane, their lips inches away as she said the line.
Akane burbled, and dropped her script.
"OK! That's, uh, Shampoo you're pretty good!" The Noh Mask guy jumped in. "Tendo, you need to keep your composure. I know that being on stage can make some people nervous."
"Yes. Nervous. That's what I was." Akane said. "I'm sure I'll be able to handle it better once we've gotten some practice in."
"Cease this farce at once!" The crowd parted to see…
"Kuno." Akane said without emotion. "What do you want?"
"I came here to be your Romeo Akane Tendo." Kuno declared. He was wearing a western suit of armor. "Did you know it is not actually a Samurai drama, but takes place in Europe? I have donned the proper protection so that your Romeo may remain safe and secure!"
"Idiot, Romeo dying is part of the play." Shampoo said.
"Nay! Any role worthy of Tatewaki Kuno, Age Seventeen shall be undying! Take me to the writer, he shall surely change his mind upon seeing my performance!"
"I don't think we can visit Stratford and get back in time." Shampoo said, desperately suppressing the urge to murder him. "And nobody here wants to talk to ghosts either."
"Kuno, the auditions are over, Shampoo is Romeo."
"No woman can play at being your lover Akane Tendo." Kuno pulled a rose from somewhere on his armor. "Only a man who ignites the passion in your heart can be your Romeo!"
"You're igniting something in me alright." Akane said. "Look, there's a reason I want Shampoo to do it over you and any other guy!"
"Not even Ranma!?" Alice said excitedly.
Akane jumped in shock, when had she gotten back from her talk with her club member. "Er, ah, yeah Ranma would also be a pain and I'd rather have Shampoo do it."
"Rosario! I know not what scheme that Saotome has embroiled you in but I assure you I shall free all women Saotome has enslaved! Thus I swear as the Blue Thunder of-" Then human sized model of the Death Star slammed into Kuno sending both him and the model through the wall. Good thing the Anti-Male-Ranma Club can pay for these repairs.
Everybody stared at the person who had thrown the model. It was a man, that much was obvious. He was wearing a red military looking uniform. A gold trim cape fluttered behind him despite being indoors with no wind. Also, for some reason he had on an elaborate white helmet and mask on, hiding most of his face.
"Err, pardon?" The Noh Mask Guy said, "Who are you?"
"I'm the guy playing Paris, remember?" He said in a clipped tone.
"I don't recall auditioning for that role yet..."
"You don't? Remember how Alice set him up after she decided the Sci-Fi theme?" Kyoko jumped up, making the Noh Mask guy shriek and jump.
"The Occult Club people are learning that stealth technique from their president…" Shampoo muttered.
"Wait I di-" Alice said, but then Kyoko elbowed her in the side.
"Non-Interference clause!" she hissed.
"Err, yeah, I did. He's Romeo's rival so he gets the cool mask you know?" Alice said and laughed.
'Paris' walked up to the stage. Everybody stared at him. Whoever this guy was he had one hell of a stage presence. He stopped in front of Shampoo, looking down at her through his mask-covered eyes. "So, you're the one playing Romeo?"
Shampoo had a frown on her face. Why was this guy setting off her danger senses? "Yes. I am."
A slight smirk formed on his face, the only emotion visible. "Well, I hope we can put on a great show, Shampoo." He flared his cape out as he turned around, and walked off the stage.