As March bled into April, I'd found the one thing to keep my mind off Los Angeles and keep my mind off him. Work had never been as important to me as it was in this phase of my life. I wanted to secure my position, maybe stay in New York if they wanted me to since my bosses were all pleased with my work. I'd gotten into the habit of taking work home, eating Chinese, and those leftovers for days on end until I couldn't smell it anymore. Manuscript after manuscript piled up on my desk, ready for their final revision and read-through by my boss.
To say that I was still embarrassed for what happened in February between an established writer at the publishing house and me was overdoing it since Alistair had been nothing but pleasant since that event. We actually talked it out like grown people, and there was no bad blood. He apologized numerous times and even asked me out, but I said no. One time in the break room, he fetched me a coffee, and we talked about life. He wondered why I'd said no, time after time, and I explained. I figured I was too far. I was gone over my head when it came to Edward Cullen, and I'd broken all my rules anyway. I might as well confide in some people and work on my trust issues while doing so. I was surprised when Alistair understood, pulling out his own horror book of love for my confession. We even had drinks together, where I introduced him to Kate from HR. They hit it off right away and are a couple now. Both Kate and Alistair thanked me countless times, and I couldn't help but feel that tinge of jealousy every time they talk about one another.
I knew I wasn't doing so well when I was craving spaghetti and started crying when I opened the container. Our first meal together in his apartment. I couldn't bear the dish's sight and brought it over to Riley's, where he traded his Caesar salad with it. I cried on his couch, and he listened like he always did. Riley asked me about the wedding, and I begged him to be my plus-one. Unfortunately for my sad, little soul, the man already secured that date in his calendar since it was his mother's birthday.
Riley tucked me into his bed and took my phone as I asked him to. He took care of the messages because I knew they were there, and he showed me funny videos of cats until I fell asleep. I cuddled up to him in my sleep, happy that I wasn't lying in my bed all by myself and eternally grateful for his friendship.
Something was definitely off when I called Alice every day over three weeks. She worried and almost stepped onto a plane for me. I told her not to, of course. But she kept checking up on me, telling me about everything back home except for the things that hurt me too much. I told Alice about what happened with Alistair at the party, and I could tell she was almost crying. Jasper must've been there with her because she didn't put me on speaker, but I noticed the words she used weren't hers at all. I felt lonely again, staying up too late working, and after that, I fell into the same routine. I stalked and stalked everyone I missed since I was homesick. I started on Alice's profile because she hosted a costume party not too long ago, and she was telling me about the fantastic outfits everyone wore that night.
From Alice, I clicked on out to Jasper's page and back to Alice's, where I clicked on Rose's comment that led me to her profile. She'd changed her bio with Emmett's name and a lock right next to it. I clicked on further the pictures of the two of them. I found their picture from Alice's party, and of course, that was where I saw him. I couldn't help myself, and I kept scrolling. I kept tabs on all his socials, searching for something I didn't even know. I was afraid he'd moved on by now since the messages had stopped recently. I was terrified of seeing his smile because it would belong to someone else now, someone who deserved it. I didn't find anyone. I didn't save any photos, and I didn't double-tap anything because I was too scared to let time creep up on me. I was worried that I'd ruined it and that I would never be granted another chance. By now, I'd even erased the link to his blog, and he never posted it on any social media. I would never find it since he wrote it under a pseudonym. I wish I had taken the chance to read it that first time, to let him explain and to let it wash over me. After all, it couldn't have been worse than it was now. My heart broke as the wedding got closer and he wouldn't come. He wouldn't visit, and I wouldn't have to get to the airport to pick him up. I could never show him my favorite coffee place, or go for a walk in Central Park. New York was like my limbo, my own personal cycle of hell. There was no one from my old life, the life I'd cherished so much. There was no girl's night, and there was no sneaking a smoke with Rosalie.
I was homesick. I hated the cold and the rain here, and I longed for the sunny evening walks in Los Angeles. The apartment here was too generic, with barely any personal belongings. My closet was too small, and the bathroom had a weird smell whenever you flushed the toilet. Winter had been too cold here, and the heater inside made me feel claustrophobic. I longed for the sheets of my bed back home and the couch because he'd sat on the sofa, and he'd been in that bed. I even missed driving. The only driving I'd done in New York was in the back of a cab, which caused me to be tipsy way more than I should have been.
Through everything, there were my rocks. Alice and Riley kept me going and the occasional email from Victoria lifted my spirits. I'd lost touch with myself, with old Bella, and I had no idea how to find her back.
I swear we WILL end on a happy note, as always 3