At first, Berry didn't speak to him.
They didn't exchange 'hello''s turning training, they didn't glance at each other when they passed, they didn't catch each other's gaze from across the arena. Steven focused solely on training, and tried to pretend the Ruby simply didn't exist at first. It wasn't an easy thing to do; the next few weeks were spent training, and that training was spent with the same Squadron his Diamond had paired him with when he'd been let out of the Room. Nobody told him how long it had been anymore, nobody told him how long he'd been in the Room for, nobody told him how long it had been since he'd been on Homeworld. And it didn't matter. It didn't make a difference, because he didn't even remember arriving in the first place. He just remembered being there. He just remembered always being there. He didn't remember anything before that, and he didn't care to; he just pushed himself forward, kept training, and ignored the blank spots in his mind.
Of course, while memories didn't return, emotions did slowly flow back in. Excitement for training and fighting, but worry about hurting one of his Squadmates. But watching the other soldiers poof each other was enough to stifle his concerns on that one for the time being - they were fine. It was just training, it wasn't like he was doing anything to hurt them. So when it was his turn to step up and train, he found he had stopped holding back. He slashed and sliced and poofed, did everything on command and didn't think twice about it. He found an odd glee in fighting that hadn't been there before, except for on the battlefield, against enemies he was angry at. Glee that came just from training with his fellow soldiers. The excitement of a Quartz.
Other emotions stirred, to. Toward his Diamond. Sometimes anger, sometimes fear. The fear itself was intense; it hit him hard now, as if he'd spent so long choking it down and shoving it back that it was making a vicious comeback now that there was nothing to hold it back. But the fear just reminded him that he needed to stay at the top of his game and obey. He was his Diamond's soldier, and soldiers weren't disobedient. As long as he did what was asked of him, then he wouldn't get punished. So the fear itself was easy to deal with - it was the anger he struggled with. The fury, the resentment lingering in the back of his mind whenever he looked at her. He couldn't explain it, and he didn't want to. He had a feeling it was connected to the blank, empty gaps in his mind, everything he'd pushed down and buried away, and he wasn't going to go digging through them just to explain a few odd feelings every now and again. He could fight past the anger and he could work through the fear - it was the pain he was afraid of feeling.
There was only one way to control the pain. Shove it down into the box he'd sealed his memories in and do whatever it took to make sure that box didn't come flying back open.
So he took his time with training. When he wasn't training, he was sent back to the Room - but most of the time, he was allowed to have… somewhat free reign of the training arena, that is. Sage - his Hessonite - was rather lenient, but oddly tense for some reason. She was hesitant when she spoke to him, cautious, but nice regardless. Steven followed her orders as easily as he would follow his Diamond's, continuing on with training and doing his best to stay out of trouble. And for the first few weeks, he actually managed to. Until he was paired with Berry.
She still didn't say anything to him as they fought; she matched him blow for blow, her knuckles against his scythe. Occasionally, her gaze would flick up to meet his, but she never said anything. She never broke concentration on the fight. Steven was struggling to ignore the discomfort boiling in his chest, the tugging at the back of his mind. His memories of Berry were still hazy - he remembered he had cared for her, trusted her, and he still did, somewhat. But she was different now, and he certainly likely wasn't the same as when he'd met her. There was also some guilt churning through his chest when he stared at her, guilt and shame he couldn't process, or explain. But he did his best to ignore these feelings as he fought, focusing on training and ignoring the way she would study him between blows, the way she frowned whenever her gaze caught his, the way she seemed to be searching for something she wasn't able to see. Their training went on like that for a while - until, finally, she seemingly had enough.
Blocking a blow from the scythe, Berry shoved him backwards - and the hybrid stumbled a little, but kept his balance easily, before whirling around toward where Sage was standing to the side, watching the other soldiers train. Steven paused, lowering his scythe slightly and glancing between them in confusion, but he didn't say anything; not even when Berry spoke up, raising her voice so that Sage could hear her over all of the fighting. "Rose Quartz is speaking to me," she yelled across the arena, and Sage's head snapped up at once, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Steven just blinked and glanced back down at the Ruby, offering her a dubious look.
After a moment, Sage leaned over to say something to Candy. The Pearl looked a little different, he thought, herself. Her outfit hadn't changed, but her hair was longer. When Sage spoke to her, she immediately headed over to where Steven and Berry were standing, and Steven frowned. He spared another glance back toward Berry, but the Ruby had turned away from him and was heading off to join the other soldiers who were still sparring, not sparing him another glance. To say he was confused would have been an understatement; he was downright baffled by what had just happened. He hadn't even been talking to her at all. Neither of them had been talking. But he didn't say anything, just let Candy lead him away to the Room, inevitably. That was where he went when he was being punished, and he figured trying to talk to one of his 'loyal little followers' was definitely grounds for a punishment. The hybrid grimaced and ducked his head as he walked, falling into step with Candy and staring down the hall with a frown.
Candy opened the door for him silently, and offered an almost apologetic smile when he turned to enter. But she didn't say anything until he had completely walked into the room and turned again to face the door, just as it was sliding shut. "Sorry, Rose," she apologized quietly just before the door had closed, and Steven cocked his head to the side, but he didn't bother saying anything. Just took a step back after a moment, sat down, and prepared himself to wait again.
He had a feeling something was going on, but he wasn't sure what. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know what, but at the same time, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. He knew Berry. He knew when she was up to something. He knew she didn't just lie for no reason. She usually always had a reason for doing the things that she did… he remembered that.
Steven made a face and looked up at the wall.
He had a feeling he knew who would be coming through that door next.
Sure enough, he was right. He didn't even bother standing up when the door opened, just quirked an eyebrow and stared as Berry as the Ruby marched through. At that point, it hadn't taken him long at all to come to the conclusion that Berry had certainly remembered a lot more than she seemed to be letting on for his Diamond's sake, and he wasn't really torn between his morals at that point to decide whether he was going to cover for Berry, or whether he should tell his Diamond. There was no way on Homeworld he was going to get his friend in more trouble. But, with that being said, he had a lot of questions to ask at that point, and he wasn't going to let her get away with not answering. He didn't think that would be a problem, since she was usually honest with him, but he still couldn't be too sure at the moment. Again, his memories were hazy. "So you get me in trouble for 'speaking' to you," he began the moment the door shut behind her. "But then you end up coming in here where you know I am anyway. What the shards was that?"
"Sorry," Berry grunted, but she didn't really sound sorry at all. Steven sighed and rolled his eyes to the side, but he pushed himself to stand after a moment. He wasn't annoyed, not really, but he did want to know what was up and why in the name of the stars Berry had decided that being in the same room with him right then was a good idea. "But I had to get you alone to talk to you, and I didn't have much time to think of another plan at the moment. You seem different," she declared, walking toward him, and Steven stayed silent as he watched her approach, thinking. "You seem really different, hybrid. What did Blue do to you?"
"Obviously I got punished," Steven replied vaguely, fixing his gaze on her again after a moment. He furrowed his eyebrows, frowning. "So did you, though, didn't you? My Diamond said you'd been rejuvenated," he recalled, and he watched Berry blink as he spoke, looking startled.
"Your Diamond?"
"Blue Diamond," Steven explained. "My Diamond is Blue Diamond."
Berry was already shaking her head; the shocked look on her face had melted away into something more akin to alarm, looking him up and down and studying him carefully. "No…" She mumbled, shaking her head again. "No, you never call her 'my Diamond'. You always correct yourself before you…" The Ruby trailed off and paced forward again, and Steven frowned, but stayed silent and didn't move as she circled around him, still checking him over. He flinched a little, feeling her hand rest against his back, but she'd pulled away rather quickly in favor of walking back around to stand in front of him again, looking even more worried. "Did she rejuvenate you somehow…? You can't even poof…" She whispered, now looking puzzled.
Steven looked down at her and furrowed his eyebrows silently, rolling his shoulders back. "I… don't think I got rejuvenated. I know I got punished, but I can't remember…" He trailed off again, watching her eyes flick across his face, and continued cautiously, "I know they used a destabilizer, but it didn't poof me. Then… something else happened, I can't remember it, and then I was back in here and they were using the destabilizer again, and you were in a bubble." He paused, studying her carefully. "Speaking of which, why aren't you reset by now? Isn't-"
"Shut- shut up," Berry ordered, pressing her index fingers together and pressing them against her mouth as she turned away and paced toward the other side of the room. Steven paused, and frowned, but he fell silent as requested and leaned back a little to prop himself up against the wall. Fine, he knew better than to challenge Berry, but he was still determined to get a clear answer before she left. "This doesn't… memory loss… without rejuvenation, I…" Berry ran her fingers through her hair, looking even more bewildered as she turned to face him again. "You're half human," she mumbled. "Your memories are more fragile than a gem's. But what in the stars could cause something like that to-" She stopped, her gaze snapping back up to his face, and he watched her entire body go rigid, pulling taut with alarm. "What do you remember?"
"I'm not answering any more questions until you answer mine," Steven said simply. Berry blinked at him, managing to look startled, and Steven shook his head slightly. "My Diamond said you were rejuvenated, and I remember-" He emphasized, "you told me that rejuvenation is basically a reset button and gems that get rejuvenated aren't supposed to remember. So, explain, and then I will gladly tell you whatever you want to know before we get caught." He crossed his arms, curling his mechanical fingers against the limb enhancers and leaning back. He did care for Berry, but she had a habit of dodging his questions in favor of asking her own. But the fact that she had supposedly been rejuvenated and still remembered didn't make sense.
Berry stared at him for a moment, almost looking taken aback, before she scrunched her face up and shook her head. "Dear stars- okay, fine. I didn't actually get rejuvenated," she snapped. "Blue and White are as stupid and hard-headed as two Diamonds could be, but Yellow is the only one around here who has any kind of common sense. She wanted to talk to me first." The Ruby paused, shrugged and crossed her own arms over her chest as she leaned back again. "So, we talked. We talked about you. We talked about Earth. We talked about Rose Quartz."
"I am Rose Quartz," Steven corrected.
"Go get cracked," Berry snarled, and Steven blinked, genuinely startled by that - and honestly a little hurt, if he was being honest - and… confused. "You are not Rose Quartz. You're Steven."
Hearing the name alone stirred something in his mind; it was violent, painful, filled with panic and fear and dread. The hybrid shied away from it, shaking his head furiously as if that alone could shake the memories and emotions away completely. It didn't - but for the time being, he had successfully stifled them yet again. "No," he muttered. "I'm Rose Quartz Facet-1 Cut-8BR."
"You're not," Berry insisted, stepping toward him again, and Steven narrowed his eyes as he glanced back up at her. "You know damn well that you're not! You told me that you weren't. This- I know what this is. This is just Blue Diamond. She got to you. Whatever she did to you, it messed with your mind and it messed with your memories, and because you're half-human, and not an actual gem," she pressed - and Steven arched an eyebrow - as she continued forward, "it was easier to screw with your memories without needing to be able to rejuvenate you. That's my theory, anyway, because up until we tried to escape, you knew exactly who you were. You knew exactly where you came from. You knew exactly what you wanted. Then you got punished. So either whatever she did to you scared you so much that you're pretending not to remember, or you actually don't remember." She paused in front of him, tilting his head back to search his gaze. "And I hate to break it to you like this, but you're not as good an actor as you think."
"Berry," Steven began slowly after a moment, meeting her gaze and studying her face carefully. "I do know exactly who I am. I'm Rose Quartz. I'm a soldier. That's all I am. Nothing else," he insisted, finally pushing himself away from the wall. He didn't approach her, though, just stepped around her and uncrossed his arms to reach up and run his fingers through his hair with a frown. "Nothing's wrong with me, okay? Maybe you're right, maybe I don't remember, but it's fine. It's better like this. It's better for me, and it's better for you, and everyone else involved."
"How do you figure?" Berry demanded, turning to watch him. "She broke you."
"No. No," Steven corrected sharply, turning around to face her again, and lifting a finger to point toward the Ruby. "She didn't break me. I'm not broken. I'm fine. If anything, she fixed me," he added, and Berry recoiled at that, as if she'd been struck. "Come on, you know how I was! You now how- how angry I was, and how scared I was, don't you? If even I can remember, I know you have to. And in case you haven't noticed, Berry-" He gestured toward himself, shifting the fingers of his limb enhancers into arrows again to point toward himself now, and Berry stared. "I'm not like that anymore. I'm fine now. I follow orders, I fight better, I don't get punished. And I don't get any of you in trouble now, do I? No. Everything is fine. I'm fine, you're fine, it's fine."
A myriad of emotions crossed Berry's face; confusion, anger, pain, concern, desperation. "This-" The Ruby shook her head and gestured toward him, looking frustrated. "This is fine? This is fine? This isn't fine! You don't remember anything, do you?" She demanded, and he furrowed his eyebrows slightly, leaning back again. "You don't remember Earth, or your family, or your-"
"Berry, stop," Steven cut her off desperately, curling his mechanical fingers against his chest. He watched her expression shift again, betraying worry once more as her eyes flicked down to follow the movements of his hands, as he curled both of them against his chest and shook his head furiously at her, taking a step back. "I know. I know, okay? You don't think I- I can feel it? You don't think I know something's wrong, something's missing? I can feel it every day," he insisted, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. "I can feel the pain that I used to feel all the time. It's still there. But I can't- I can't… I can't be scared and- and hurt like that again."
Berry finally faltered at that, her expression pinching slightly; confusion and horror flickered across her face, searching his gaze once again. Searching for something she knew she wasn't going to find. Steven closed his eyes after a moment, ducking his head, and the Ruby finally spoke, "that's not… that's not how you stop hurting…" She trailed off, breathing in shakily. Steven blinked his eyes open again to look up at her, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Berry looked… she looked upset. Not angry, not frustrated. Upset. Worried. Concerned. For him. "That's not going to fix anything," she insisted, looking up at him desperately. "You're miserable. Even for all this- even without your memories, it's still going to hurt. That's why you can still feel it. That's why you're scared of it. You know it's there. You know it still hurts, memories or not. Trying to forget about why you're- you're sad, or scared, or angry, it's not gonna make you any less sad, or scared, or angry- trust me-!" She huffed out a shaky laugh, and swallowed thickly. "Trust me… I know better than anyone that ignoring the problem… doesn't make it hurt less…"
Steven softened after a moment, despite himself. He cared for Berry, and he certainly couldn't remember ever seeing her display this kind of… vulnerability, this kind of sadness and concern. "But it does. It is," he mumbled, shaking his head and looking down. "This way, everything's okay. Everything can be okay again. Everything can just- go back to normal, or whatever. You're alive, everyone else is alive, and my memories and I aren't here to get you into trouble again."
"You've never gotten me into trouble at all," Berry retorted, lifting a hand to press it into her eyesocket. She was gritting her teeth, refusing to look at him now. "I got you into trouble. Trying to escape was my idea in the first place. I rushed it, I got too excited. But that's not the point," she added hastily, swallowing and shaking her head firmly as she looked back up at him, still covering one eye with the hand that had her gem. Steven frowned, biting the inside of his cheek, but he stayed silent as Berry spoke. "I get it. I shouldn't have let you try to play hero. It was too much for you- especially considering you're the one that needed a hero to begin with."
"I'm fine," Steven murmured.
"You're a liar," Berry told him, lowering her hand after a moment. She blinked furiously, and Steven saw why; there were tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, almost unnoticeable. "You're a scared child, as well you should be. You're allowed to be scared, you know," she added, searching his gaze, and the hybrid curled his mechanical fingers tighter against his chest, struggling to ignore the throb of pain that flushed through him. "You're allowed to be hurt," Berry continued, a little more fiercely. "And you're allowed to be angry at who hurts you."
"I'm asking you," Steven's voice shook a little as he spoke, more than he cared to admit. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the pain flushing through him, the fear, the grief, the anger. It was getting harder to shove it down, but he figured that was the point. "I'm asking you to stop. Please. I'm asking you to just- just let it go, okay? Just let me- let me do this. Because I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with it," he insisted, and Berry finally lifted her gaze back to him again, eyes narrowing slightly as she searched his gaze. "I can't deal with it anymore, Berry. I'm tired."
Berry blinked at him, and stared. Her expression shifted, a hint of recognition sparking in her gaze. Then confusion. Then surprise. And then, finally, her expression just went blank.
She stayed like that for a while, and Steven slumped back against the wall after a moment to compose himself again, to push past the pain threatening to burst to life. Once again, he managed to suppress it. Once again, he managed to push it down, lock it away, to shy away from the memories and refuse to open the box. And, finally, Berry moved; she seemed hesitant at first, wandering a few steps forward, toward the wall - then, hissing out a sigh through her teeth, the Ruby abruptly turned and went back over to him instead. And he didn't move away; he didn't tense up when she approached, he didn't try to get away from her or push her away when she finally reached him. He just stayed still, letting her come to a stop in front of him. Then, abruptly, she threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around him, and he gasped.
He gasped - not because the contact hurt, or because he didn't like it. The hug was warm. It was gentle. It was soft. It was… nothing he expected from someone as affection-averse as Berry was, as much as she claimed to detest hugs, as much as he could recall she absolutely refused to accept any kind of affection from anyone, whether it be through actions or words.
"And you're allowed to be tired," she told him carefully after a moment. "You- you do what you have to do. You don't have to fix anything else. Just… breathe." She pulled away from him then, before he had a proper chance to return the hug, and Steven just stared at her. He just stared as she turned away from him and headed toward the wall, as she reached out to run her fingers along it before tapping on it a few times, like he'd seen the Amethyst do before. He stared as it opened, as he caught a brief glimpse of pink and red on the other side, and she left the Room. He stared, and wrapped his arms around himself as the door shut, and he was left alone again.
He dug his fingers into his sides and sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.
When he was finally allowed to leave the Room again, Agate was the one who came to retrieve him. He saluted her as she walked through the door, but she didn't particularly seem as interested in him as she seemed in getting him out and back to training. "You're being moved back to my Squadron," she told him simply, flicking her gaze around and looking at everything except for him. The hybrid lowered his hands after a moment, walking forward, and nodded. "And I wasn't sure whether you were aware, but I figured I'd let you know Jaspers 6JA and 6JB have been bubbled." At this, Steven glanced over at her, but he didn't say anything.
Tangerine and Clementine… he twisted his mouth into a frown, but he kept silent. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to that, so he figured he should just stay silent for now. They were in his Diamond's court, too. So he guessed it was her idea to have them bubbled. Regardless, it was better than them being shattered… not ideal, but better than death, right?
Agate was still refusing to look at him as she led him down the hall, but he followed after her dutifully as she led him to the warp pad to take him to the training arena. "You'll be training with former rebels. Some of them, you probably fought in the battle," she warned him as the warp pad activated, watching the stream rise up around them and feeling the warp pad disappear from underneath his feet. He glanced down, floating gracefully along with her, and nodded. "Just thought you should be able to prepare yourself before we arrive. I understand it might be uncomfortable." She paused, falling silent for a moment, and Steven nodded again, tilting his head back to look up at the stream and furrowing his eyebrows as he watched it, staying silent. "Yellow Diamond isn't going to send us into battle for at least five months- but with that said…" Agate finally glanced over at him. "You ought to prepare yourself to fight sooner than that."
Steven blinked, glancing over at him and furrowing his eyebrows. "Is my Diamond taking-"
"No," Agate cut him off simply, shaking her head firmly and landing on the warp pad. Steven landed beside her gracefully, frowning. "Yellow Diamond is in charge of the battle plans. But…" She paused, twisting her mouth, and glanced away. "Well, rebel gems are unpredictable, yes? You never know if we'll… have to fight a little sooner than planned." Steven didn't have the chance to respond, to question what she meant, before she had stepped down and gestured for him to follow her to where the other soldiers were. "So come on, we've got a lot to prepare for."
Steven let the questions fall off his tongue after a moment, stepping down to follow. "... of course, my Agate." He glanced up at the soldiers; former rebels and other Quartzes he'd fought with in battle. He did recognize a few of them; he recognized a tall blue gem, fighting against a pink Quartz, but he couldn't put names to faces, and he didn't bother trying to. Just straightened up, rolled his shoulders and summoned his scythe, ready for another round of battle training.
And ready for the more than welcomed distraction it would bring.