this chapter like all chapters are brought to you by depression and a sever anxiety of what I actually need to do... which is have a job when I graduate next Friday in the animation industry or my degree was a waste. And I doubt that is happening...
Blood. Cold blood splashing underfoot as screams echo in his ears from every direction.
Blood and the howling of dogs in the distance and all Wei Wuxian can do is run through blood as thick as mud and so deep he sinks to his knees. The sky is so black and empty with only cracks of lightning to streak across it to light the way.
Fear. Burning and itching fear crawling through his skin as he tried to run. To move before it was too late.
"A-Xian? A-Xian where are you?" Shijie. Shijie's here? No. no.
Why won't his legs move? Why is at all so heavy?
Louder. That barking sound is getting louder even as his legs sink deeper into the blood. Hot. All so hot and boiling like tar pulling him down. Heat bubbling! Bubbling! Breaking.
He can't move. He can't move. Wei Wuxian tries to pull himself along with his hands but they're weak.
All of this is weak.
"A-Xian!" Light. Light in darkness as she stands on top holding out her hand. He keeps reaching but he only sinks further with fingers just out of reach.
You are so weak.
"A-Xian, please take my hand!"
Growling, and that burning rising higher and higher. Thicker than mud or tar, thick like cement and brick encasing him as he reaches up.
"Shijie!" Wei Wuxian can't reach her- can't move. His fingers stiff as he tries to just brush hers. Tears spilling down his face and he knows she's speaking but he can't hear. The blood is too high, and his ears are covered.
Scared. He's scared. "Shijie?"
The sword splits her in half- crumbling like dust as the world goes black the only sensation against the burning the new cooler red falling on his hand and then it's nothing. Nothing like the way stone is. Nothing in the way that life can't be and death casts its pale imitation.
"You said you could control it. You said that and look what you did! Look how you left us."
I never wanted to hurt anyone.
Lies.
I never wanted to hurt anyone that mattered.
Lies!
I never wanted anything to happen to the people I love.
He sees that burning pier and Madame Yu's silhouette. The pitiful and vile look, "You never consider your actions! You never consider the consequences and now you have the nerve to be back."
"I never wanted this. I never wanted to cause this."
"And what did you want?"
What he wanted? What Wei Wuxian had wanted was to be a good person. To live a life as good as any other. He had wanted to grow old in Lotus Pier helping Jiang Cheng till the end of his days or until he reached that peak of cultivation they all strive for.
Then… they broke something in him that he struggled to hold onto once it was in his grasp. A feeling and a sense he can't explain. Humanity as a concept. He wanted to be human. Just human. To stop feeling himself chipped and broken like stones dropping off a cliff. For him to not be alone in that want when everyone else felt something complete in that change.
He knows there are dark feather tearing into his flesh that in this nothing he is twisting and breaking. That howling so close in his ears and he wishes he could cry. He had wanted to be human.
And when that went up in smoke all he wanted was to feel again. For the people he loved to be happy even if all he could do was stand from a distance. Even if he was going to forever be a monster he could at least keep people safe. He could still be good even as he was framed as a villain. After all, Wei Wuxian had already done enough wrong to earn such a thing.
I ruined our home. I ruined their lives. I ruined my family.
He thinks of the cave and the Xuanwu of Slaughter. When he'd touched that sword- when he looked in those eyes- he thought he grasped what real suffering was. Suffering was more than a drawn-out death and pain. Suffering was becoming not just a monster but one that swallows friends and family alike and knowing eventually you won't care.
You knew the cost of what you were doing
Of what becoming strong meant
"I didn't ask to become that!"
You asked for strength. Man is weak. Man does not have the ability to claw its way out from a life as stone. You knew this
"I only wanted to be human. That's all I wanted."
No! You were greedy. You wanted strength and justice. You wanted revenge and to know nothing could hurt you or what you called the 'ones you loved'.
You wanted much and you dared to try to ignore the inevitable.
"I don't need this. I'm alive. I'm human. I don't need you."
"Do you, now?" It's such a cold whisper down his spine and he feels hands clawing into him and a face pulled from the shadows. It's the face of a monster. It's- was that what they saw? Is that how he was? "You may have a body, but it is weak. It is human."
"That's fine." It's all he needs. It is! Wei Wuxian has no need to become anything more.
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Then you'll give up cultivation completely?"
He's shaking. Cold and slippery with a scent like rot and fish choking him as those sharp hands tear and cradle him. "Exactly," that laugh- that laugh is the one of a demon. That's not his laugh- but it was. Somehow it was.
Looking at all of this monster and knowledge of what he'd tried to dance around before he can't help the dread. He had thirteen long years to think that this would be gone. That this- the so-called god was his future if he lived. This isn't him. It's a lie. A distortion brought on by not balancing himself better. This isn't him.
"It matters not the path you tread or what dirt, cobbles, or bricks line the way as you stumble, or you stride. All roads will lead you back to me and therefore yourself."
"Shut up. I'm not a monster."
"No. you are enlightened. And let me tell you another secret. Just for us."
Trembling. Pain. Words whispering into his ears that make his tendons scream and ache. "Lies. This is just a dream. This is just a dream!"
Stop laughing. Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop-
Someone is shaking him. "Wake up."
Wei Wuxian's eyes pry open to glance at Lan Wangji and that hideous morning sun glaring in. For once he's not interested in sleeping in at all. "Are you alright?" that clawed hand reaches out and he brushes it away far too harshly.
"Don't touch me," He hisses and does his best not to look Lan Wangji in the eyes as he sits up. He feels sick. Slime coiling in his chest and turning him bitter.
Calm. Breathe and be calm.
A tray is set beside him with congee and tea. "Eat. You're too thin."
That he is. This body is far too frail compared to his old one and his muscles- ah, so weak and flimsy. Mo Xuanyu lived a life that was very cruel from the few notes he'd seen. Mistreated by his family and hated for being different. Though, the fact he was Jin Guangshan's bastard was a bit of a surprise.
Wei Wuxian took a bite and while it was bland it was filling and that's what mattered. Lan Wangji is simply looking at him in silence. Honesty… He wants honesty and then what?
"Say, I were open and honest- say, I was straightforward what would you do?" They sit in that horrid silence again as he waits for an answer. Waits for Lan Wangji to tell him why he'd bring him here to Cloud Recesses knowing what he did.
"I'd only do as you'd ask. That is if you would be fine with such a thing."
"Knowing your condition I don't trust such a warm sentiment." Wei Wuxian knows how much Lan Wangji hated him. How his dark path sickened him.
I sickened myself
A spell to instill loyalty and to turn men into beasts- such a thing could only warp the mind. No, Lan Wangji does not show this kindness completely of his own volition. Those aren't his real words.
"Whether you believe me or not that is my answer and that is how it will stay."
"Then I refuse. I have done nothing to earn your respect." Not as Wei Wuxian. Not as Mo Xuanyu. Not as anyone. No. Not in the slightest. "I think I'm better off a liar to one so great than an honest man."
He ignores the pain in those eyes and slight droop of those ears. "Will you at least stay till you're stronger?"
"If I do… Then you must let me sever my ties completely." Then Lan Wangji can remember he hates him. That this sense of loyalty and affection is a lie. He refuses to hurt him further in this lifetime when Lan Wangji has already suffered so much because of him. Wei Wuxian's grip on the spoon tightens, nuisance, he is truly a nuisance.
"No." Stubborn. Always the most stubborn.
"You said I was free to do what I wanted? Well that's what I want." Lan Wangji's expression is stone but those eyes and ears are more expressive and speak mounds.
I can't stand that sadness on your face.
"Do as you please." With that he leaves, and the tea is cold.
Perhaps it was far too cold of him, but it must be done. Must be said. Lan Wangji doesn't deserve to be chained up to him. He doesn't even deserve to be in any of these people's lives.
A robe has been set out for him of black and red. It's practical and lovely. "I can't. I just can't…"
Why of all people did I have to hurt Lan Zhan?
"Hey, Rabbit get over here!"
Lan Sizhui huffs and stops his chores to glance over at the senior disciple calling him over. The best part of leaving for night hunts is that nobody makes a point to constantly call him Rabbit. No malice. He mustn't act with malice.
Even though he hates this particular senior with a passion. "Yes, what can I do for you?"
"I'll make this simple so you understand, I need you to reorganize the library except for the restricted section. All of it. Every last book neat and tidy by the end next the day. Especially the new additions."
This again?
I'm beginning to think he messes up the library on purpose.
"Understood, Senior. I will address it immediately."
"It's the least a Rabbit can hope to do."
If Lan Sizhui could he'd punch this man. He genuinely wants to punch him and Lan Sizhui never wants to hurt anybody. But, he smiles and walks away because ill thoughts of others are a horrible thing. Or so he's told.
I more than human enough to know how to hold a grudge
At least he'll have a day alone as he works. He stops when he spots Hanguang-Jun and sees the depression struck in his face. Lan Sizhui hasn't seen the man look like that in a long time. With a bow he steps in front, "Hanguang-Jun, may this humble Rabbit escort you today."
"Mn." So he follows to the rabbit field where Hanguang-Jun cares for his actual pets.
"I know I am not to pry but, Hanguang-Jun are you alright?" He already feels he's pushed too much. Lan Sizhui hasn't been able to call the man father in a long time. Not since people stopped calling him Lan Yuan and he was supposed to be old enough to know better. "It was just… you seemed so happy recently."
Hanguang-Jun holds a hand out as the rabbits gather and cuddle him. Those arms… he remembers when they were skin and would hold him. Even if he's not really Lan Sizhui's father he knows nothing better. "The fur has gotten thicker hasn't it?"
"Mn."
"Has it spread?"
He shakes his head and that sigh is so deep and so heartfelt. "Is… is senior Mo well? I was surprised that you had him brought to the Jinshi. You don't take guests and even less take them in your quarters."
Its silence. The cold and sad kind that would happen on nights where Hanguang-Jun stayed up past curfew staring at the moon. The kind where he's longing desperately. Where nothing Lan Sizhui says can help him…
"Hanguang-Jun, I promise I won't leave you. I won't to the Warren until your changes are complete."
"Do your chores."
"Understood."
He hates to leave Hanguang-Jun here alone with the rabbits. He hates it but he does. The whole time he sorts the books he hums softly to himself a secular song he'd heard in Mo village. He's sorting for hours in the library when someone startles him from behind.
"Senior Mo, good to see you."
"No need to be so formal and stuffy. At the moment we're friends so please address me so."
"I'm afraid doing so would be far outside my place." Lan Sizhui set another book on the shelf delicately.
Mo Xuanyu puffs his cheeks amusingly, "Ah, yes. The whole I am but a lowly Rabbit schtick. So silly."
"It's simply my place."
"See that's the silly part to me. You already proved yourself strong enough to become human so there's no need to act like you aren't."
But there is. His hands hesitate to place the next book down for a second, "It doesn't bother me."
"Lying is forbidden. Or did you change that rule?" Mo Xuanyu snarks.
"I truly don't mind returning to the Warren. It's my fate after all." It's a bit of a shock when the mad man trips and he has to catch him.
"What do you mean return to the Warren?"
Lan Sizhui shrugged and just kept working. "Simply that."
"But… why? You're human."
He understands that Mo Xuanyu was kicked out and likely never learned such things. It's not the man's fault he doesn't know. "All the Rabbits revert eventually."
Mo Xuanyu's eyes narrow and he looks Lan Sizhui up and down carefully. "But, you shouldn't."
"Well, we do. Now, unless you wish to help or read please leave me be. I enjoy your company Senior but I am busy."
"Then I'll help." It's appreciated. Even the jokes and little messes Mo Xuanyu makes as they work. Yes, all appreciated that day and the next as he worked.
Wei Wuxian all the while looked at the Rabbits and at Lan Wangji. He listened to the gossip that was not supposed to exist closely. Something was wrong here but he couldn't say just what.
They shouldn't revert. They're not supposed to. Someone is meddling with things they shouldn't and while it's not his place to get involved he can't get the thought of these children churning back into animals. That it was fine for them to just lose something they had been granted against all chances of fate.
I should know better than to get involved. I'll make things worse.
He'll need help.
This is a horrible idea. I should leave and never look back.
But he was never going to and Wei Wuxian, unfortunately, knows it. It's wrong but he'll need those claws and Lan Wangji's power. He'll need someone who's in that state. Just this and then he'll sever that thread. He's never been one to walk away. "I'm a moron and a fool. Which is somehow worse than being one or the other."
Please forgive me, Lan Zhan.
So on his third night he sat there waiting in the open doorway with a jar of Emperor's Smile in hand. "Lan Wangji, I have changed my mind. I wish to be a bit honest."
Feverish. Jin Ling was feverish and his body was shaking like he was sick but not with illness. Something was wrong with him. Very wrong and he wasn't sure what, but he knew he was in pain and-
He needed to howl.
Looking at his Uncle a fear bubbled in his chest along with an itch that was crawling along his skin. Something is wrong with him. Something… It's too hot in his robes and he's struggling to breathe.
"Jin Ling? Jin Ling, what's wrong?"
Jin Ling's eyes were blown wide as he fell to his knees. The sweat dripping down him and his air coming out faster and shallower. "Jin Ling!"
I didn't have any ideas and then I was like why don't we just hurt Jin Ling. He's small and delicate and that feels right for this fic
pls feed me reviews