XXVII.
"Narcissa," Greta greeted, sliding her glasses down her nose as her gaze landed upon the Malfoy matriarch in her office's doorway. "Nice of you to finally stop by. You have missed the last… four appointments, if I'm not mistaken? Judging by the stricken look on your face, I am going to assume trying to manage your own mental health has not been going as smoothly as you've hoped."
"I was… busy."
What a terribly childish excuse. Narcissa knew she should have been seeing her Soul Mender regularly, and she had been for a time, but things began spiraling and… and Narcissa had always been quick to drown instead of asking for help. Still, she was here now; perhaps it was a little too late, but it was better than never.
"As am I, unfortunately. You cannot just owl me twelve hours in advance and expect me to rearrange my schedule for you; I have an appointment in ten minutes—"
"You don't."
Greta leaned back in her chair, brow rising at how self-assured her patient sounded about that. "I don't?" she repeated, although it was most certainly an accusation. Narcissa did not care.
"Your secretary is easily persuaded," Narcissa told her without an ounce of regret, coming fully into the room then to take a seat on the opposite side of the woman's desk. Greta sighed.
"With money or with sex?"
Narcissa narrowed her eyes, even though she was fairly certain Greta was merely referencing her appeal, and not the act itself. Still… "Are you accusing me of being a prostitute?"
"No, I'm accusing you of being a beautiful woman and Barnaby is… forgive me, rather stupid when it comes to anything with breasts. He's my nephew though— I can say that," Greta told her, causing Narcissa to smirk despite herself. This was, admittedly, why she liked Greta though.
"Professionally, I should not be condoning this kind of behavior— personally, however, I have been hoping you would return ever since I saw your husband's name in the papers."
Narcissa's gaze hit the floor, a tightness enveloping her chest. With a wave of her wand, Greta closed the door that Narcissa had left open, silencing the office. "I will remind you that anything you say in here is confidential." Narcissa snorted sardonically.
"Not if it's illegal."
"Incorrect. If you are a danger to yourself or to others, then I am forced to divulge what we have discussed here. I have known you for almost ten years, Narcissa; you may be a lot of things, but I know you are not a Death Eater," Greta told her, and the blonde twisted her hands in anxiety. She hadn't really come here to talk about Lucius, but perhaps that was another burden she could do with getting off her chest. Still, she was hesitant. "Knowing about illegal activity and failing to report it is not a crime. You are at no liability unless you actively participated in said crimes. Have you?"
"Of course not," Narcissa exhaled, like the woman had to be foolish to even think that, despite the fact that she had, admittedly, committed crimes. Not on behalf of the Death Eaters or Voldemort though, so perhaps she could loosen up a little bit. Greta already knew Lucius was in prison, she knew he was a Death Eater, so she wasn't really giving her any new information.
"I miss him," Narcissa admitted softly. "I married him knowing what he had gotten himself into — I never liked it, but I knew — and I still loved him anyway. I learned to compartmentalize. And even though things between Lucius and I weren't what they used to be, before he was arrested things were beginning to change, and now I feel like I missed my chance at finding happiness again with him."
"So you wished to repair your marriage, despite your affair with Estella who I am, assuming, you are still seeing?"
"We're… taking a break from one another at the moment," Narcissa revealed, her thumb running absentmindedly over the scar on her palm. "It's why I'm here. We did it again; perpetuate each other's illnesses. I hurt her— badly, this time. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I ran to Cassandra— who I've been seeing again, by the way, behind Estella's back, because I can't seem to stop myself from making everything in my life more difficult."
"I would say that at least you're aware of it, but it seems you have been aware of that for a long time, yet have been unable to find the strength inside of you to stop," Greta mentioned, and Narcissa wet her dry lips and nodded, knowing that was true. "I'm aware you have an aversion to choosing, but if you were to pick who simply makes you happiest — here, in the moment, not in the past — I am curious who that would be."
"Well that's hardly fair; Lucius is in prison."
"Alright. Before he left then," Greta revised. "Same question. Don't think— just answer."
"Cassandra."
Narcissa pursed her lips after she answered that, looking back down at her clasped hands on her lap. The woman's name had just fallen from her lips, but then again, that seemed to be what Greta had been asking for. Still, her time with Cassandra wasn't usually filled with drama or pain, unlike her relationships with Bellatrix and Lucius; it was easy. She was easy. She was so fucking easy to love, but that was the problem.
"Why do you feel guilty about that?"
"Because I don't deserve her. I don't deserve to have something easy or happy— I'm not a good person and she… she is. I feel like I'm sucking her into an abyss she'll never be able to claw her way out of, yet I cannot let her go. I tried, but…"
"But you love her," Greta answered, reading the expression on Narcissa's face. The blonde could not say the words out loud still, but she did at least nod that her Soul Mender had been correct in her assumption.
"Have you told her?"
Narcissa shook her head.
"Are you afraid she won't love you in return?"
"No— she already told me that she's in love with me," Narcissa whispered, feeling so terribly lost. She ran her hands over her face then, exhaling a long sigh as she slumped into her seat. It wasn't ladylike in the slightest, but Greta had known her for a long time and she felt no need to keep up appearances here. "I just feel like, if I return the sentiment, then that seals her fate. It feels like… doing her a disservice. She should run far away from me, honestly, yet instead I'm temporarily living with her. I feel like I'm burdening her enough."
Greta's brow rose. "You're living with her?"
"Temporarily," Narcissa stressed, not wishing the woman to think she had abandoned all pretenses and just decided to openly be in a lesbian relationship; their society still would not condone it, and she could not bear to shame Draco in that way. "We both lost our husbands and it's… easier, not to be alone," she lied, as she did not wish to get into the situation surrounding Bellatrix's need to stay in her house.
Narcissa may feel a little more comfortable speaking about Lucius' involvement with the Death Eaters as that was now common knowledge, but she would not mention her son's fate, nor that she knew exactly where her sister was. Not that Greta ever really asked about Bellatrix— Narcissa had lied to her a long time ago and said they hadn't spoken since she was a child, making it look like Bellatrix ran off with her husband and started a different life without her. She did not want Greta to think they were close, and considering she had concocted this whole new back story and lie for Bellatrix's place in her life under the name Estella, it would have just been confusing if she had to speak about her sister in two different ways.
"Is your son not home from school?"
Oh. Right.
"He's… staying with Cassandra and I," Narcissa lied, because what the hell else was she going to say? She couldn't make it sound like she left her son to live alone, nor that she left him with the only adult presence in his life being a fucking mad woman, no matter which name she referred to Bellatrix by. "Him and Cassandra's son are close. They grew up together."
"So you're like a family unit."
Narcissa narrowed her eyes. "If one was to consider two women and their sons a family, but that's not really the definition of the word."
"Family means different things to different people," Greta patiently told her. "And two adults in a loving relationship living with their respective children? That seems like one to me."
Narcissa's insides were beginning to twist in anxiety. "We both have husbands—"
"Who are in prison, and will be for the foreseeable future. Are you not allowed to rebuild your family from the ashes of your old one?"
"We're both women!" Narcissa exclaimed, like that needed to be acknowledged above everything else. "Women in a pureblooded society— do you know what that would do to our children, should everyone find out what we are?"
"What, in love?"
Greta said it like it was so goddamn simple, and that infuriated Narcissa who knew it was anything but.
"I don't need my son enduring the taunts he would get in school for his mother being in a lesbian relationship— he has enough on his shoulders already!" Narcissa angrily exclaimed. "I'm already resigned to the fact that I have to keep the fact that I'm staying with her a secret; I'll have to stay away from windows, make certain I make an appearance by my own house every now and then. That's just the way things are, and trying to change that would be selfish!"
"Forgive me, but you've never really stopped yourself from doing something because it was selfish," Greta reminded her, and Narcissa fell furiously silent. "Have you spoken to your son about this? Perhaps he is not as ashamed of you as you seem to be of yourself. He might even, dare I say it, want you to be happy."
"Happy?" Narcissa repeated incredulously, growing more upset the longer this conversation went on. "You think I'm fucking happy? I hide away with Cassandra because it's easier than facing the horrors of my own life— I can immerse myself in a lie and forget for one short moment that everything around me is coming apart at the seams. I'm using her, just like I use everyone else, because I don't know how to do anything different; because I'm sodding toxic!"
"Narcissa—"
But Narcissa had gotten up from her chair, feeling too overwhelmed by her emotions as she began to pace, her eyes filling with furious tears. God, she hated therapy. She hated coming here, but after she was hollowed out she was usually able to pick the pieces of herself up off the ground, and she had to trust that this time wouldn't be any different.
"Do you know how badly I wish I could just run away with her? Take our sons and just— leave, finally be free from the madness that my life has become?! But I can't, I can't!" Narcissa raged, beginning to weep from her own helplessness. "I'm trapped here, I'm trapped in a life I didn't want, because my entire family is caught up in something we can't get out of, because I'm still hopelessly in love with a woman who is bad for me, who I am bad for in return, no matter how much we try to not be! I slice her open both metaphorically and literally now, and yes, perhaps I walked away— but for how long this time? I'll give you a bloody hint— it won't be for long. I'll come back, I always come back to her, because I don't know anything different! I don't know how to live my life without my sist—"
Greta sat up straighter in her chair as her expression masked in disbelief, and Narcissa's words fell away as her face suddenly became ashen.
"Your sister?"
Narcissa felt like the world was spinning beneath her feet again. Oh God, oh god… how could she be so stupid? She had gone nearly ten years without revealing that, but then again, Bellatrix had been gone for nine of them. She hadn't actively spiraled over Bellatrix in front of Greta before, as even after her sister returned from prison, she didn't feel this helpless or trapped, and then when she was falling apart, she had stopped going to therapy. Narcissa hadn't realized how difficult it was going to be to keep her lie straight when she felt like she was seconds from falling over, but perhaps she should have known.
She should have never come here.
Narcissa grasped her wand from the inside of her robes, quickly using it to hurl Greta's wand, which had been resting on her desk, clear out of the woman's reach before the blonde pointed hers threateningly at the woman who now knew far too much.
"Narcissa…" Greta gently warned, but what could she do? No wand, the room silenced— she didn't have a hope. Narcissa hated herself; she hated how she always destroyed other people's lives because of her, because of Bellatrix, and yet she was going to do it again anyway, because she needed to protect her. She didn't have any other choice. "Do not do anything you'll regret. If your sister has been abusing you, we can talk about that. Please, sit down."
"She hasn't been abusing me!" Narcissa shouted, hating that once again, she was being victimized. "Our relationship is consensual— and you… you think I can just let you know that? You think I can just let this be, when I know you'll be obligated to report that I know exactly where a wanted criminal is? You should have just pretended you didn't hear my slip. You should have just left it alone!"
"Bellatrix, then— she's who you've been calling Estella," Greta gathered, oddly calmer about this than she should be. Perhaps she foolishly thought she could talk Narcissa down, but she couldn't. She couldn't.
"Obviously. What, did you think I'd fuck a mudblood lover?"
"I mean, to be quite honest I never pegged you as one to have sex with a blood relative, but I suppose everyone has their secrets." Narcissa said nothing, her jaw tight as tears slid down her cheeks. She stood rigidly still, her wand still pointed at the other woman. "Tell me how long this has been going on."
"Why? It makes no difference—"
"Why? Because it might be rather cathartic for you, to finally tell the truth," Greta told her patiently, and Narcissa hated her for that. She still thought she could wear her down enough to get out of this, but she could not. Still, perhaps the woman had a point. Her confessions would only be weighing on someone who could not spread them anyhow.
"I was thirteen," Narcissa said softly, but still stayed rigid as a board, her arm unmoving.
"And it was consensual? Bellatrix was your… oldest sister, if I'm remembering correctly? How much older exactly?"
"Four years, and… no, it wasn't," Narcissa admitted, absolutely despising herself for finally admitting that out loud. But perhaps she needed to; perhaps despite the awful way this conversation was going to end, Narcissa should at least try to heal along the way. "Not that I wouldn't have wanted to have sex with her eventually, but our first time… I wanted something different, but Bella forced me to fuck her anyway. It doesn't matter though— our relationship is consensual now. It has been for a long time."
"And because it is consensual now, you believe that to be something relatively healthy for you?"
"Of course I don't think it's healthy, but Bella is all I've ever known. I've consented to sex with her hundreds of times and while she will sometimes get hung up on the fact that one time it wasn't, I refuse to. It was a million years ago, and it hardly matters. I've fucked her up just as much as she's fucked me up— neither of us are victims in this scenario. I have screwed with her mind so badly that she will never know a healthy life, she will never know peace. She's obsessed with me, she fucking breathes in the morning because of me, and I hate myself for loving it."
"Narcissa— Narcissa, I would very much appreciate if you stopped pointing your wand at me. I'm very proud of you for finally talking about this, and I can help you, but you need to sit down, and you need to put that away."
"Help me?" Narcissa asked with a bitter laugh. She did not move. "Nobody can help me. I'm going to drown in Bellatrix until it kills us both, I'm probably going to take Cassandra down with me, and here I am, talking about them when my son is being used by the Dark Lord for my husband's failure! Draco is probably going to die trying to do what the Dark Lord ordered him to do, and I don't know how to save him! I can't save him, and I feel like I'm suffocating, Greta, I feel like I can't fucking breathe—!"
And that, finally, made Greta realize what was going to happen. "Shit," she whispered, because mentioning the Dark Lord, his plans… that finalized it.
Tears were running down Narcissa's cheeks, her chest tight with guilt over the decision she had made. "You aren't getting out of here whole, Greta. I'm sorry. I really did like you."
"—Narcissa!"
The blonde flicked her wand. "Obliviate."
Greta's eyes slid out of focus as Narcissa cast her spell, hoping only to steal the last couple days from the woman as she figured that would be sufficient, but memory charms were not her forte. In all honesty, she could have just destroyed the woman's mind beyond repair, but she did not have a choice. Narcissa sobbed as she left the woman in pieces, giving the woman's secretary the same treatment while his back was turned.
And thus her relationship with Bellatrix gained two more victims.
Narcissa was a wreck when she got back to Cassandra's. She had only been there three hours that morning before her girlfriend encouraged her to go to therapy, to try to get better after hearing everything that had transpired between her and Bellatrix and readily accepting her into her home, and now look what she was doing— bringing more shit on her doorstep. Why couldn't she stop? Why, no matter how hard she tried to get better, she always ended up making things worse?
"Jesus, Cissa— what… what happened?" Cassandra asked once she took in the sight of the other woman who had just apparated into her home. Narcissa was shaking from head to toe, her face still white as the reality of what she had just done began to sink in. She felt ill.
"Where… where is your son?" Narcissa asked in a trembling voice, not wishing for Gregory to bear witness to this, or hear what it was she was about to say. She wasn't even entirely sure that the boy knew she was living there yet. Cassandra waved that off though as she crossed the space between them.
"Vincent came by— they're out. Think they're gonna go see if they can hang with Draco, actually. Cissa… what's goin' on?"
Narcissa told her— she told her everything from start to finish, sobbing throughout it, and when she was done Cassandra wrapped her up in her arms, placing a protective hand on the back of her head as she held her.
"S'just like ya to ruin a good thing, huh?" she breathed regrettably, and Narcissa just sobbed harder because she knew Cassandra was right. She had needed this, she had needed to see a Soul Mender, and she had honestly liked Greta, but her relationship with Bellatrix would always destroy everything around her. It was inevitable. Cassandra placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's cheek as she pulled away. "Who saw you?" she asked, knowing that needed to be addressed first.
"Just… just Greta and her nephew— he's her secretary. Barnaby, I think his name was. I used Obliviate on him too."
Cassandra took a breath. "…'Kay," she responded, as though that was an actual, proper answer before she began to walk away from her. Narcissa blinked, not expecting to just be left there. "What are you— where are you going?"
Cassandra just shot her a saddened look over her shoulder. "You know where I'm goin'. I love ya, but you ain't good with magic, Cissa, an' you… you said too much."
If it were possible, Narcissa paled even further. "No!" she begged, because she knew exactly how Bellatrix would clean up this mess— and she didn't… she didn't want Greta to die for her mistake. "Cass, don't—!"
"Go upstairs; ya said you didn't wanna be 'round her for a bit an' I don't know if the boys got to your house already, so I can't go there," Cassandra told her, not an ounce of regret in her behavior. She knew she needed to protect Narcissa, and if this was how she needed to do it, then she did not care who got hurt in the process. The only thing she seemed sad about was how it was going to hurt the woman she loved, but that was not enough for Cassandra to change her mind. She knew what she had to do. "Narcissa, go."
But Narcissa shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes again as she watched Cassandra go to her fireplace, throwing a handful of floo powder in before calling for Bellatrix through the flames. It did not take long— especially because Cassandra had specified that Narcissa was in trouble.
"It hasn't even been six fucking hours since she's come here— I told you to take care of her!" Bellatrix raged, not even out of the flames yet before she started screaming. And, while that technically was true, she had demanded that of Cassandra when they were originally going to swap babysitting duty— Cassandra had promised nothing in regards to her living there now, although this was hardly her fault anyway. "What the fuck happened now? God, you're about as useful as Lucius—"
"Fuck off, don't blame me; she was at her Soul Menders— I can't be in the soddin' room with her while she has therapy."
Bellatrix's jaw clenched and she turned, facing Narcissa at the other end of the room. "What did you say?" Bellatrix asked dangerously, and another tear slid down the blonde's cheek. She did not respond though, refusing to be the one who condemned Greta to this fate even though Narcissa knew her silence would not save her. Nothing could save someone once Bellatrix had resolved to kill them, and by the look in her eyes her sister already knew she was the clean up committee.
"She slipped up— 'bout you, of course, 'cause you've always fucked her up enough to make everythin' fall to shit," Cassandra accused, which caused a low growl to fall out of the back of Bellatrix's throat. "An' not that I give a damn if the Ministry comes knockin' at Cissa's door to drag ya out in chains, but I don't want her to get in trouble for hidin' ya, an'… an' when she realized what she was gonna have to do, she mentioned the Dark Lord. If her memory charm is shit, and he finds out she blabbed…"
Bellatrix's gaze blackened.
"You… you fucking idiot!" she shouted at her, striding up to Narcissa. "Why can't you ever keep your mouth shut?! You're gonna get yourself killed—!"
"If you put your hands on her I'll fuckin' end you!" Cassandra shouted at her, interpreting Bellatrix's aggressive behavior as violent as she watched the woman storm over to Narcissa in a wave of fury. Cassandra had her wand pointed at Bellatrix now, who just scoffed and used her own to blow Cassandra's from her fingertips without even uttering a word. It was quick, it was easy.
"She's the one that slices me open— not the other way around. And if you point your wand at me again it'll be you who meets their end; I will not warn you twice."
"Do not threaten her!" Narcissa exclaimed, furiously pushing her sister backward as Cassandra went after her wand, looking angry and embarrassed herself for the effortlessness Bellatrix had when disarming her. Still, at least Bellatrix was unable to do far worse; the Unbreakable Vow saw to that. "She called you here to help— it's not her fault for interpreting your behavior that way; you always look like you're about to punch me in the face."
"Please, Cissy, put your hands on me some more; maybe one day someone might actually blame you for it instead of me, although I won't hold my breath."
Bellatrix looked back at Cassandra then, who had defeatedly shoved her wand back into the inner pocket of her robes. "This is what my sister's love looks like, by the way— ask Lucius, because she tore him apart too. Still want her? Because I doubt you could fucking handle it. It's twenty bloody years ago all over again— one fucking thing after another because when Narcissa spirals, everything comes down with her. She's 'changed'— yeah, she's changed, she's gotten fucking worse—"
Narcissa's hand connected with her sister's cheek before she could stop herself, Cassandra yelling, "Cissa!" as Bellatrix held her face and Narcissa's eyes widened in horror, practically stumbling back from the woman she couldn't stop herself from continuously assaulting.
"Oh my God, you need to leave, you need to—"
"Yeah, I'm gonna fucking leave in a second once I get the names of more people I need to murder for you!" Bellatrix shouted, and Narcissa wheezed as she backed up against the far wall, clutching for the locket that was no longer there. "How many people is this now? I've lost fucking count."
"She's only gotten fuckin' worse because of you!" Cassandra raged as she swooped in, practically taking Narcissa in her arms as though she wished to shield the other woman from everything that Bellatrix was. Narcissa didn't want to make this worse but she stayed; she stayed in the crook of Cassandra's neck despite her sister's eyes darkening in rage because at least in there, she felt like she could breathe.
"You have no idea who she was when you were gone," Cassandra seethed, placing a protective hand over the side of her girlfriend's head as she stared at the source of Narcissa's inability to cope. "She was strong, she was beautiful— she was fuckin' healthy an' now…" Cassandra looked deeply upset by how broken the woman she loved had become, as she had already watched her try to rebuild herself once. "I already picked up the pieces of her that you left behind, Bellatrix, an' I hate you for forcin' me to do it again!"
"Cass, please— this isn't her fault," Narcissa begged, because everyone couldn't just keep blaming Bellatrix for how mentally ill she was. Her sister might exacerbate it, but what had broken her this time was the Dark Lord giving Draco the Mark; it was how helpless and terrified she felt that her son might die for her husband's mistakes, and then everything… everything just came down with it. "She's trying— she's trying to help Draco, she's letting me walk away so I can get better; she doesn't want me to be this way just as much as you don't…"
Bellatrix was furious though, hating the way that Cassandra clutched at the woman she loved and so when she spoke, it was with the intention that Narcissa's jagged edges would slice the other woman open as much as they had her. "You know what? Just fucking take her," she seethed, causing Narcissa's eyes to widen. "You want to be Lucius' replacement? You want to love her and fuck her and protect her from big bad me? Go right the fuck ahead, because she's just going to end up slicing you to bloody ribbons just as she's done to the rest of us, and then maybe when you realize you can't handle her you'll fuck off and I won't have to entertain your bullshit, as though you actually know anything about the woman you think you love!"
Narcissa's heart clenched in her chest. "Bella…"
"Oh, don't fucking 'Bella' me— Lucius is in prison, you can't be around me until you figure out how to deal with the shit storm in your life without drugs or therapy now, apparently, and you've never known how to be on your bloody own. So fuck her— what do I care?" Bellatrix snapped even though, by the look on her face, she still cared very much; she was just beginning to realize that she might not be able to stop her. "You'll come back to me anyway, you always do, and even if you want to continue lapping at her cunt when you're back with me, all that'll do is destroy her even more, because you will never love her, or Lucius, or anyone as much as you love me. I win in the end anyway. So go on— fuck her up, Cissy. Claw out her heart and devour her goddamn soul; it's what you do best anyway, and I'm the only one of your victims that have ever learned how to live without either of those things."
Narcissa's breath left her at those words, knowing her sister was right. She knew Bellatrix was just devastated by what was in front of her, because she wasn't blind— she could see how much Cassandra loved her, and how easily Narcissa just let her. She knew it was only a matter of time, if it hadn't started already, and considering she could not just slice Cassandra's throat open for the audacity of taking what was hers, she sought to emotionally destroy her, to emotionally destroy them both instead. At this point, the most Bellatrix could hope for was that Cassandra wasn't nearly as capable of dealing with Narcissa's true darkness as she and Lucius were, and that Narcissa would end up destroying her in the process.
But Cassandra was capable of dealing with it. She always had been.
"I'm not you, Bellatrix," Cassandra told her evenly, despite the slight waver in her voice as Bellatrix's words had, admittedly, cut her. A part of her knew that she was right; that no matter what she did, no matter how much she loved her and gave her something healthy and sane, that Narcissa would always find her way back to her sister. It was just another part of her sickness, but then again, Cassandra had always accepted her mental illness in a way that no one else ever had. "An' I'm not Lucius either. You have no idea what I can handle, what I've already handled, an' how much I'm willin' to sacrifice just 'cause I love her— 'cause I do, ya fuckin' arsehole. You happy now? Know how bad you wanted me to admit it, after all. Ya feel good about yourself now, or are ya just finally fuckin' realizing that I've always had a part of 'er, and you're just tryin' to make it seem like you actually have control over the one thing in Cissa's life that doesn't have to do with you?"
"Everything in Narcissa's life has to do with me, haven't you been listening?" Bellatrix seethed, and while Narcissa had been holding her breath after Cassandra had admitted that she had always had a part of her, her sister either did not understand, or refused to acknowledged it because she knew she wouldn't be able to deal with her rage over Narcissa's betrayal in the way she wanted to. Maybe, hopefully, she merely believed Cassandra was talking about their friendship, as it had spanned over twenty-five years, after all. Either way, Narcissa exhaled, but clutched to the woman who held her in her arms as she watched her sister continue to rant.
"She already told me she knew she was going to break your heart— she knew you were in love with her, yet she ran to you anyway. If she was so sodding different now then she wouldn't be leading you on like this; she wouldn't be letting you fawn over her and clutch at her as though you could ever save her from her own darkness! She is toying with you, you fucking idiot; because that's all we've ever been to her— just her little fucking puppets that she could make dance for her in any way she saw fit, toys that she could just love and fuck and break," Bellatrix continued to seethe, causing Narcissa's heart to ache as she realized that she was lashing out in this way because she had broken hers.
She had broken Bellatrix's heart by leaving, despite both of them knowing full-well that she needed to. She had broken Bellatrix's heart from their shared realization that no matter how much they loved each other, that it wasn't enough to save them both from destruction. And she had broken Bellatrix's heart by running to Cassandra, by having the audacity to feel safe with her, when the one thing Bellatrix wanted so desperately was to make Narcissa feel that way, and that despite her best efforts, she seemed to do everything all wrong.
"So let her string you up, you fucking masochist," Bellatrix snarled, as though she wasn't acutely aware of how much of one she had always been when it came to Narcissa herself. But it had never been just her though; it had been Lucius too, but perhaps that was just the kind of people Narcissa attracted. She had thought for a long time that she had been the masochist, but perhaps in the end, she had been the sadist all along. The thought made Narcissa want to tear her heart out of her chest.
"Please her in every goddamn way you can, even though we both know it'll never come close to what I do for her. You called me for a fucking reason, Cassandra, and it wasn't because you could handle what she had done," Bellatrix reminded her and that, more than anything else, seemed to make Cassandra falter because she knew Bellatrix was right— she could take care of Narcissa to a point, but Bellatrix's point far exceeded her reach. "So be second best— third once her bloody husband comes home. If that's how low you've set the bar for yourself, then who am I to stop you? Enjoy her while you can, you pathetic bitch, because it won't last long. I give it a fucking month before Narcissa suffocates the life out of you."
"A month?" Cassandra seethed and, oh God, Narcissa did not like how angry this was making her. "You think I can only handle her for a month? Open your fuckin' eyes, you deluded bitch—"
"Cass! Don't—"
"Oh, please… please do," Bellatrix goaded, even though her voice had quavered then as something sickening made camp in the base of her stomach. She knew. She could see it now, and Narcissa felt like she was watching her sister shatter in front of her eyes. "Cissy is too much of a fucking pussy to be honest with me, so tell me— tell me!"
But Cassandra didn't say anything, knowing it was not her place. It didn't matter though, as Bellatrix was getting the picture. She screamed in rage then, her anger being directed at a small bookshelf in Cassandra's parlor as she furiously pulled it down. She rounded on Narcissa then, books and trinkets scattering all over the floor as she pointed at her sister in accusation.
"You made me take that Vow for a reason, you manipulative cunt! How long have you been fucking her? Answer me!"
"Bella, please…" Narcissa begged, her voice getting choked up as she began to hate herself for how horribly she had destroyed the woman in front of her. Why did she think it was she who needed to be free from Bellatrix? Bellatrix should free herself from her, because look at what she had wrought.
"Answer me, Narcissa! Fucking answer me; tell me the goddamn truth, for once in your miserable fucking life—!"
Narcissa covered her face, feeling guilty and ashamed. Still, she couldn't lie to Bellatrix anymore; she couldn't keep doing this to her. "Six… six…" she tried, but she was crying too hard and the words could not make it out of her throat.
"Six what? Six days ago, six weeks ago, six years ago?! Spit it out!"
Narcissa just shook her head though, as it wasn't any of those things, and in the end it was Cassandra who told her, albeit a little apologetically, as she knew this was going to shred Bellatrix beyond repair. "…Six months after you went to prison."
Narcissa watched her sister's breath leave her at that, and Bellatrix took two full steps back from her. "You… the entire time?" she asked, and it was so much worse than her anger. The sheer amount of pain that was etched in Bellatrix's expression shattered Narcissa and she untangled herself from Cassandra's arms as she tried to go to her sister, to clutch at her and beg for a forgiveness that she knew she would never be allotted.
"No, it was… off and on— Bella, please…"
"Don't you fucking touch me!" Bellatrix screamed at her, pushing Narcissa off of her so violently that she nearly tripped, stumbling back into Cassandra's arms who held her to her chest. "You are the most… manipulative fucking person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing— everything, everything you say to me is a lie, isn't it? I'm fucking tired of it, I'm tired of you, and you have no idea how much I wish I could tell you to go fuck yourself right now, but because you're the most spoiled cunt on this fucking earth I have to stand here and allow you to break my heart before having to go clean up another one of your bloody messes! I have to just allow this to cut me long after I'm through with your bloody Soul Mender as I continue to train your fucking brat because no matter what you've done to me, no matter how much I hate you, I wouldn't be able to fucking live with myself if I had to watch you suffer the death of another child!"
Narcissa sobbed in relief then, terrified for one moment that Bellatrix was going to punish her by leaving Draco undefended, but in the end Bellatrix's need to help her just made all of this worse, because it proved how tight the leash around her sister's neck really was. Narcissa could strangle her, could nearly fucking kill her, and Bellatrix would still do exactly what she wanted. What kind of person did that make her?
"You are a blight, you are a disease," Bellatrix seethed, her eyes filled with unshed emotion. "You're the reason I'm sick, you're the reason I'm suffering, and yet you don't even have the fucking decency to end me! But oh, that's fine— you want to keep me trapped in this misery, then I'll trap you in it all the same. She will never have all of you, Narcissa, I fucking promise you that. So long as I am breathing, you will never be free from me, because you've already made damn sure that I will never be free of you."
"So go on, hide away with her," Bellatrix laughed, the sound mocking and cruel as she allowed her rage to overshadow her devastation. "Pretend that you can have something normal and healthy— I'll wait. And when you come crawling back to me, and you will, Cissy, I am going to fuck you up so thoroughly that she will never want to touch you again, because she will be disgusted by the very sight of you."
"Get out— get the fuck out of my house!" Cassandra screamed, holding onto Narcissa as though she were trying to shield her from the horror Bellatrix brought. But she couldn't, and Narcissa knew it was only a matter of time until her sister delivered on her promise, because she was right— she would go back. She was going to go back to her eventually, and Bellatrix was going to destroy her. Narcissa felt like she couldn't breathe, and she clutched Cassandra as she buried her face in the redhead's neck.
"Names… and then I'm gone," Bellatrix snarled, looking at Narcissa like the very sight of her turned her stomach. Her gaze settled on Cassandra then, knowing Narcissa did not wish to give up the name of the Soul Mender she had formed a relationship with the last ten years.
Cassandra looked like she wanted nothing more than to curse Bellatrix until her face was unrecognizable, but she also knew Bellatrix was the only one who could fix their current problem. "Greta Haywood," she reluctantly answered, still holding tight to the woman in her arms, who sobbed harder as Cassandra finalized the woman's death. "Her secretary, Barnaby, saw her too. She put memory charms on them both, but she's…"
"Shit at magic? Yeah, I fucking know— thanks for the tip, lover number three, but number one is speaking now, do us both a favor and shh," she snapped, gesturing for Cassandra to shut her mouth by closing and pinching her fingers together. Cassandra looked incredibly insulted, but she didn't get a chance to say anything because now Bellatrix was addressing Narcissa.
"I really hope you liked her, Cissy; it's going to make this so much more satisfying when I do everything to that woman that you've prevented me from doing to her," she told her, her eyes flicking to Cassandra before she smirked. "Don't worry though— I'll be sure to send you a picture."
Bellatrix gave her a sarcastic air kiss then before she disapparated, leaving Narcissa to fall apart in her girlfriend's arms as she realized with such sudden clarity that the source of misery in her life, and in the lives of those around her, was her, and that it would always be her.
Bellatrix was right— she was a disease.
TBC…