Thirteenth part: speaking up

Jim and Chris – Amber Found - I run

This question surprised Street. This question freed Chris. They started at each other for minutes. How could they start this talking that should have been taken place for months now?

"We need to talk..."

Chris was sitting in the bed and was determined to talk with Street. She liked he came each night next to her in her bed. She liked to feel his warmth against her body, his breath in her neck, her arm around her waist. But they needed to clarify their relationship. She couldn't keep going like that. She needed answers. And she waited for him to speak but he was like paralyzed.

"Street… I don't know how to start… I really like our friendship.. It means the world to me... I could never thank you enough for what you did when I was wounded… And I like you stay with me the whole time. And.."

She started stumbling on her own words. What to say? What to do? How will he react? For the first time in her life, she was lost. She used to be fierce, strong, wild, untamable. But right now, she was just a little girl afraid of what the boy she liked was about to say. The problem was he stayed quiet.

You know what I'm going to say. You know that something changed since …that kiss."

She was proud of herself. She managed to say it aloud. She lanced the boil. It had been hard but she did it and it felt so good… for the moment.

"I made a lot of mistakes since… First was to push you away. I should have never done that. It was not fair to you, to me, to our friendship… But I was committed to Ty and Kyra then and I felt like I betrayed them. As you know, I'm not very good at expressing …"

"What do you want to talk about all of this, Chris? Why right now? Why talking about all of this when all is finally calm and cool?"

"Because …" She looked down and stayed quiet.

"I thought we were over this, Chris. I have suffered enough when you ignore me, when you didn't even call me a friend anymore, when I was nothing to you. I was with Molly and I dropped her for a while just to help you. And now she's gone… It was a hard time for me. And now, you would like to talk? When I have finally found my balance! How dare you, Chris?"

She stared at him for a while. Her look was as black as a storm. He could see the fear, the anger, the lack of understanding in her eyes. He also saw she was hurt by what he had just said.

"I had suffered too, And I'm still suffering. Ok I've been an idiot, I've been a complete fool. I was protecting myself by hurting you. And I feel so bad about that. You don't need to remind me of how stupid I've been. All I need is for us to talk. That kiss changed everything and we should have talked about it months ago. I'm sorry for my behavior, I'm sorry I fled, I'm sorry I left you…"

"Don't need to be sorry Chris. All this is over. All this is past. I don't want to look back."

"You don't want to look back ? But how can we move on I we don't clear the past? Jim, I need you to yell at me. To tell me what you feel. You can't be so indifferent, you can't be so detached… You don't even look at me when I'm talking to you."

Street came closer to her but kept looking at the ground. His fists are clenched.

"Don't ever tell me that I didn't suffer, that you were the only one who are feeling bad. You have no right to say so."

"So talk to me! "

"To say what, Chris? That I have suffered more than I could have…that I suffered because you have been selfish? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?"

At that moment, Chris could feel all the rage coming from Street. She felt anger too. But the talk should have taken place sooner. All the unsaid things, all the secrets kept inside, all the tension. At this precise moment, all came back up.

"I suffered too. And yes, I had been selfish, I had been stupid, I had been a douche with you. I should have been less cold, more understanding. But you know how I am. You understood from the beginning I was an uncompromising person. I am who I am. And I can't change it. At least, I can't change it completely. But I have learnt from my mistake. I saw you suffer and I suffered.. I still am. And I know you feel the same way. It took me months to understand but now, I have and that's why we need to talk…"

"You have no right to ask that Chris. I suffered a lot. It was as if you stabbed me right in the heart. I moved on when I went out with Molly. I've learnt to push you away. I've learnt to live without you. I've learnt to understand I was gonna be nothing more than your colleague from SWAT. So Chris don't you dare tell me you have suffered as much as I did. Because truth is I'm still suffering. Molly is gone because she thinks I'm too close to you. And it makes me realize the most I send you away, the most I'm coming to you and it kills me…"

Street looked at Chris in the eyes. For a moment, neither of them was talking. They were just staring at each other. No one knew what to do, what to say. This moment had to happen. But they didn't realize how much it would be awkward, intense and brutal. Now the words were said and they needed to deal with them.

"Street… Jim… I know I screwed up. And I'm very sorry for everything. I will give everything I can to change what I did. But I can't. And it kills me to have broken our friendship…. You ARE my best friend, Jim Street. You're the person I want to call when I'm bad. You're the person I want to call when I'm happy. And I broke all we had: the trust, the fun, the sharing…All of that because of my pride… I could never tell you how sorry I am for what did."

She started to cry. Tears were coming from her eyes and even if she wished they didn't come out, they were there. She was crying in front of Street. She felt so shameful, so bad, so fragile, so vulnerable. She didn't like that. She didn't like to show her feelings, to reveal who she really was.

Street was looking at her. He was like frozen. His gaze was lost as if he was far away from here.

Chris went out to the kitchen. She needed to breathe, to feel fresh air on her face. She opened the window and looked at the neighbor. Everything was calm, all the lights were off. This atmosphere made Chris feel more comfortable. She was still crying but she was proud of herself. She finally said everything she held a grudge. Maybe she definitively lost Street, maybe she has just busted the last chance she had to be friend with Street again. But she was glad she told him she was sorry, she messed up and she felt guilty about what she did.

Alone, in the kitchen, she thought about what just happened. Now she had to move on, focus on her job and party…a lot! She closed the window and turned around to go back to the living room. She was gonna sleep in the coach tonight. It was better for both of them. When she turned, he was here, right in front of her. He was crying too. They had the same swollen red eyes.

She couldn't move. She was like paralyzed. What was he doing here? She moved from the room to stay alone and now she was not. He was here staring at her. He didn't know what he was doing here too. He was just looking at her. Her eyes were as red as his.

And then, he felt an impulse. Something he couldn't control. He walked through the kitchen and pushed her against the sink. He reached her mouth and started to kiss her deeply, passionately. She answered to his kiss. They couldn't stop kissing. It was as if their life depended on it taking pause only to catch their breath. He pushed her harder. She could feel his body against hers. They remained like this, seconds, minutes, hours… Neither of them knew. And after all, who mattered?