Chapter 31: John Phoenix Vs. John Dragon! The Trial of Phoenix Wright!
(it's actually an epilogue)
"Nobody try anything, or the old man gets it!" snarled John Dragon. His suit was in tatters and his mullet full of twigs.
"Nice bluff, pal, but you can't kill God!" said Kyle. He took a step forward but Merlin stopped him.
"No, don't! That's a devil gun! If he fires it God will be trapped in a bullet forever!"
God remained calm. "Young man, what is the meaning of this?"
"The meaning?" repeated John Dragon. "Isn't obvious? John Phoenix brought a TERRORIST into heaven! His uncle, Phoenix Wright!" The various saints in attendance all gasped!
"Is this true, John Phoenix?" asked God.
Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix split back into John Phoenix and Phoenix Wright. Satan's head and torso remained in John Phoenix's stomach, while the legs and arms remained in Phoenix Wright's.
"No, it's not true," said John Phoenix. "My uncle is not a terrorist."
"OBJECTION" said John Dragon. "But he was indicted on terrorism charges and there's strong evidence to back it up!"
God looked at the uncle and nephew sternly. "John Phoenix, bringing a terrorist into heaven is an unforgivable sin. If the charges are true, then I'll have to cast you and your uncle down into hell forever, even if you did save heaven."
"No!" cried all of John Phoenix's many friends and fans.
"God, forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn," said Storm Sente, "but the man holding a gun to your head is also, I believe, a terrorist? I'm not sure you should take him at his word."
"Quiet, you," said John Dragon. "I've never been formally accused of anything. Besides, I'm a law abiding citizen, unlike this forging attorney Phoenix Wright!"
God nodded in agreement. "Yes, there's no choice except to put Phoenix Wright on trial." John Dragon lowered his gun and God snapped his fingers and a cross rose out of the ground. Cherubs stripped Phoenix down to his underwear and nailed him to the cross.
"John Phoenix, save him!" cried Trucy.
"Yes, save me!" cried Phoenix as the cherubs replaced his eyelashes with needles.
John Phoenix and his friends followed the cross as the angels carried it to God's courthouse.
In court
The courtroom was made out of clouds, with a cloud floor, cloud walls, and a cloud gallery for the angels and John Phoenix's friends to sit in. There was no ceiling. Phoenix Wright's cross was planted in the middle of the room.
"Go on, John, I believe in you!" said Phoenix as doves pecked at his skin.
"Court is now in session for the trial of Phoenix Wright," said God.
"The defense is ready, God," said John Phoenix. Storm was his co-counsel.
"The prosecution is also ready," said John Dragon. "I was a prosecutor in the royals courts, so I'm more than qualified."
"Very well," nodded God. "You may call your first witness."
"Ha... witness? That won't be necessary. My decisive evidence will be enough!"
He presented Phoenix Wright's manifesto, and the police report that verified it was his handwriting. God was convinced, and was about to give his verdict, but then John Phoenix objected!
"Objection, God! Just because it's in my uncle's handwrighting doesn't mean he wrote it. There's another possibility, that this manifesto was written with St. Peter's magic pen!"
He presented the pen.
"Merlin told me that this pen was stolen from heaven some time ago," he explained. "As you are no doubt aware, this pen can copy the handwrighting of any person on Earth, so someone could have used it to frame my uncle!"
"OBJECTION" shouted John Dragon. "You have no proof that pen was used to copy his handwriting."
"But I do... You see, Merlin explained it to me. If you press this button here, on the side..."
He pressed a button and 3-D hologram of Phoenix Wright's name projected out of the pen!
"The pen keeps a record of the last person whose handwriting was copied," continued John Phoenix. "It also stores the name of the last person to use it." He pressed another button, but this time the hologram just said "No one"
John Dragon laughed. "Ha ha! Foolish brother. Your own evidence has proven no one used the pen!"
"OBJECTION. No. You are foolish. The reason is says 'no one' is because NO ONE HELD IT. Instead, it was held by the AIR, and only someone with psychic powers could have used telekinesis on the air... and that some one is YOU, John Dragon!"
John Dragon bent over his desk sweating and grinding his teeth.
"What's wrong with your rubbishy brother?" asked Storm. "He looks like he's dying to say something." John Phoenix chuckled.
"He's mad because I committed forgery," he whispered. "I used my psychic powers on the pen earlier today and set it to my uncle's handwrighting. The last person to use the pen was actually Juan Paolo, to forge Professor Layton's signature on a check. Dragon knows the evidence is forged, but he can't prove it without incriminating himself!"
"Well," said God, "it seems John Dragon is the true terrorist!"
"OBJECTION!" shouted John Dragon. "D-don't be so hasty, Your Highness. Don't forget John Phoenix also has psychic powers. He could have framed his uncle himself, with the ultimate goal of framing ME for the framing of his uncle!"
John Phoenix smirked at this pathetic argument. "That's impossible, Dragon. TAKE THAT!" John Phoenix then did what no one else had ever done in heaven court before: he presented two pieces of evidence at the same time!
"W-what's this?" said John Dragon. Storm folded his arms and smiled. The two evidence strategy was his idea.
The first piece of evidence was the manifesto. "As you can see, it's written in cursive," said John Phoenix. "There's one small problem with my idiotic brother's theory... I CAN'T READ OR WRITE CURSIVE!"
The gallery burst into excited chatter. Edgeworth turned to Trucy. "Is that true?" She nodded.
"Yeah, when I gave him Apollo's letter he started sweating and made me read it."
John Dragon tried to slam his desk, but his hands phased through the clouds, so he threw his shoe at John Phoenix instead. "Damn you, John Phoenix! That's a lie! Do you expect anyone to buy that trash?"
But John Phoenix directed everyone's attention to the second piece of evidence... his report card from school!
CURSIVE CLASS: F-
Storm tapped the manifesto. "The only cursive John Phoenix can write is his own signature... barely! Even if my borderline illiterate friend here used the pen, he would only have been able to replicate his uncle's handwriting in print, not cursive, because he isn't familiar with the cursive alphabet!"
"W-well..." John Dragon pulled at his tie and gulped. "I promise you I didn't do anything... maybe there's another psychic who used the pen... Kristoph Gavin, perhaps, ha ha?"
"Sorry, Dragon," said John Phoenix, "but I have one more piece of evidence, TAKE THAT!" He presented John Dragon's shoe. "There's ink on your shoe, and it matches both the ink in the pen AND the ink on the manifesto!"
"Oh my god! Oh my GOD!" John Dragon addressed the gallery. "There was no ink on my shoe! He just keeps forging evidence right in front of everybody! Somebody STOP him!"
"ENOUGH" roared God. "Dragon, you are clearly just jealous your brother and Storm are better lawyers than you. I find the defendant NOT GUILTY!"
God shot a lightning bolt out of his finger and destroyed the cross! Everyone cheered!
"As for you, John Dragon," said God, "I am now sure YOU are the REAL terrorist, so I'm sending you to hell!"
John Dragon tore his jacket open and let out the loudest roar ever heard in heaven! The sound waves bounced off the chains anchoring heaven to the sky, and these chains were already under a lot of strain from all the heavy brick buildings that Satan built, so they snapped, and heaven began to fall to Earth!
"Oh my god," said God.
"Look, there's Los Angeles!" said Phoenix Wright stupidly.
Heaven crushed Los Angeles and killed all the WW III survivors, and then it continued to sink thousands of miles into the ground until they reached hell! The clouds burned up in the lava and everyone had to jump to the shore of the burning lake.
"How will we ever get back to Earth now?" asked Edgeworth, looking up at pinprick of light in the black ceiling, that light being the hole they had made. Everyone huddled up together in fear of the bats and devils flying around.
But John Dragon was too angry to be scared! "Even being in hell is too good for you, John Phoenix! Your soul deserves to be in a bullet!"
John Dragon pulled out the devil gun and fired wildly! John Phoenix did a bunch of athletic flips and cartwheels and dodged the gunfire, but suddenly Satan's severed head, revived by the satanic magic in the air, bit John Phoenix's internal organs! Our hero moaned and sunk to his knees!
"Oh no, John Phoenix!" cried Uncle Phoenix. He took a step forward but John Dragon shot at the ground in front of his feet.
"Stay back, or I'll kill you too!" Dragon walked over to John Phoenix and aimed at his head. But then John Phoenix's daughter ran out from behind Phoenix and the others and embraced her father.
"No, don't kill papa!" John Phoenix's other daughter ran out and hugged him too.
"W-what's this?" said John Dragon. John Phoenix chuckled and got up weakly.
"I knew you'd never harm a child, Dragon. That's why I had kids... to use them as human shields!" He picked up his children by the scruffs of the neck and advanced toward his brother.
John Dragon took a step back. "S-stay back, you crazy person!" He tried to aim at John Phoenix but he kept waving his kids around.
"Go on, kill my kids! Do it! It's for the greater good, isn't it?"
John Dragon took another step back and tumbled into the lava! The gun went flying and sunk to the bottom of the lake.
"Help me, John Phoenix!" pleaded John Dragon. "I'm sinking!" His brother shrugged.
"What can I do? The lava's too hot."
"Please, do something!"
John Phoenix took out his magic handcuffs and threw them onto his brother's wrists! A lightning bolt struck John Dragon and he disintegrated. Where did he go? Well, normally the cuffs would take you to heaven, but now heaven was in hell, and if you use the cuffs in heaven they send you back to Earth, which is below heaven...
But since heaven was now underground, what was below heaven? That's right, outer space. So now John Dragon was slowly orbiting the earth, just as his brother had predicted.
"The Earth..." thought John Dragon in his last moments. "Oh my god, it's so beautiful... how could such a tiny man as myself have ever hoped to rule over it? John Phoenix was wright to start a nuclear war."
And he shed 1 tear of love for his brother, and for all living things, and then he exploded due to lack of oxygen.
Meanwhile in hell, there was an earthquake!
"Achtung!" cried Klavier (he was there too by the way). "Herr Gott, what is with the shaking?"
"Heaven crashing into hell must have damaged hell's structural integrity," said God. "The roof of hell is going to collapse and bury us under it for eternity!"
John Phoenix vomited Satan's body parts into the lake, and then he assessed the situation. All the angels' wings burned off, so only he and Kristoph could still fly out of hell, and they could carry two people each. John Phoenix was debating who to take with him (he was leaning toward Storm and Edgeworth) when Don and Juan Paolo arrived in their strange flying contraption!
"Need a hand, Layton?" Don Paolo dropped a rope ladder.
"What are those two crooks doing here!" cried Luke.
"Ohohoho," laughed the professor, "it seems they decided not be evil anymore. I am glad."
This is the end of Don Paolo's, Juan Paolo's, Luke's, and Layton's character arcs.
Everyone climbed onto the rope ladder. Since the flying machine was so small, John Phoenix forced all the angels and saints to stay behind so he could take his friends with him instead. He let God and St. Peter and Godot and Mia come, though.
Phoenix was on the bottom of the ladder as Don Paolo began to pull it up, but then Maya ran over.
"Nick! Don't leave me! I love you!"
Phoenix was touched, so he held out his hand, but Mia kicked it.
"Phoenix, don't be an idiot. She's actually a terrorist."
"HUh, what?" he asked stupidly. "You're crazy."
"She's right, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "That's why she lied to me about what was happening in heaven."
"And she told Satan that Godot was in the flackback portal!" added Mia.
Phoenix's eyes hardened and he kicked Maya into the lava lake and she screamed.
"I hate terrorists! I hate you Maya!" Then Don and Juan Paolo flew them out of hell and left everyone else trapped down there forever.
As they flew out of the hole, it expanded and the ruins of LA fell in! Then the cracks in the earth retracted and the hole closed up, leaving behind beautiful verdant fields and forests, basically a second Garden of Eden. Don and Juan Paolo landed their machine and everyone got out.
"Everything's gone," said Phoenix Wright. "We'll have to start all over."
Then Edgeworth said, "Three cheers for my good friend John Phoenix for stopping the terrorists and saving the world, and three cheers for the Paulo brothers for rescuing us!"
Everyone cheered and clapped for John Phoenix (no one cared about those two other guys). Phoenix Wright clapped, and so did Trucy, and Edgeworth, and John Phoenix's daughters, and Storm Sente, Kristoph, Merlin, God, St. Peter, Kyle, Louie, Godot, Mia, Apollo, Matt Engarde, Shelly de Killer, the Judge, his family, Gumshoe, his son Bobert, Viola, her infant child, Klavier, Larry, Spark, Layton, Luke, Don and Juan, Marvin Grossberg, Franziska, Francesca, Ema, Carlos Flavioli, Ron, Winston Payne and his family, and no one else.
Those were the last known people on Earth.
But it was possible that other people survived World War III. They just weren't known.
"Heh... nice job, kid," said Godot, drinking a cup of lava. "I gotta admit, I was worried back there. Just a bit."
"It was easy," said John Phoenix modestly. "I didn't even try."
Phoenix Wright tried to shake his hand, but John Phoenix slapped it away. "Oh, sorry, John, I forgot you don't like to be touched. Anyway, thanks for saving me, and congratulations on your daughters! They sure grew up fast. Wow," he said in sudden realization, "I guess this means I'm a great uncle, huh?"
"And I'm an aunt!" said Trucy. "I mean, cousin. Again. But this time once removed!"
"Who's the mother, anyway?" asked Mia. "Or is it mothers?"
"None of your beeswax," said John Phoenix. "That's a private matter. I only fathered them to fight with my brother, anyway."
"But their names?" asked Phoenix.
"There are no names."
Suddenly God fell to his knees! Everyone ran over.
"What's wrong, God?" asked Merlin.
"My god powers... they're gone! It must have something to with heaven being destroyed."
It was agreed that since God wasn't god anymore that they should choose a king to rule over Los Angeles. St. Peter handed John Phoenix the crown. Everyone took it for granted that he'd be king.
"Thank you." He placed the crown on Phoenix's head!
"W-what...?"
"I'm too brilliant and perfect to be king," explained John Phoenix. "The people need a more simple minded, rustic person like yourself who can understand their troubles. Besides, my job is being a defense attorney. And Dragon's terrorist friends and Manfred von Robot are still out there... No doubt Morgan protected them from the nukes. There are many more trials to be had!"
Phoenix Wright cried 1 tear. "Thank you, John Phoenix. I promise to be a good king."
Then Merlin used his magic to conjure a long table and enough food for a feast!
Afterwards
"Looks like everything worked out in the end, wouldn't you say?" asked Storm.
"Of course, not all the mysteries have been solved," said Edgeworth. "Why was Jean Armstrong a zombie? Just who was Buddy Johnson? What is the true nature of Wright's badge? Who made the devil gun? Who is John Phoenix's father?"
John Phoenix yawned. "Oh, I figured that all out ages ago. Frankly I wasn't even aware they were mysteries. You see-" He stopped and shrugged. "Wait, does anyone even want me to explain? It's hard to imagine anyone possibly caring."
Everyone shook their heads, but then King Phoenix pushed his way to the front.
"What I wanna know, is who the heck my father is!" he said.
"Absolutely no cares about that, Uncle Phoenix," replied John Phoenix.
"He's right, Wright," agreed Edgeworth.
"Hey, I care."
John Phoenix rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine." He scanned his uncle's DNA with his DNA vision. "Your DNA matches up with the man I scanned back in Khurain before heading into battle. Your father is Dr. Hotti."
"Ohohohoho..." came a voice. Dr. Hotti popped out from underground. "Hello son."
Phoenix Wright cried many tears. Tears of happiness, because he finally knew his real father.
Then Gumshoe pointed out something flashing in the darkening skies.
"Look, pal, shooting stars!"
"No, detective," said John Phoenix, "those are merely pieces of my brother burning up in the atmosphere."
"Oh... well, it's still beautiful!"
"Indeed, detective. Indeed."
Suddenly John Dragon's pieces used their psychic powers one last time to spell a message with the stars.
Hey, brother. Thanks for showing me the way. I wished I could have met you earlier. Maybe things would have turned out differently. But who knows? Perhaps all of this was just part of our shared destiny, and in the end, we've left the world a better place. Good bye, brother!
John Dragon blew up the stars in a wonderful fireworks show for all the survivors to enjoy.
Klavier proposed to Apollo, even though Apollo was gross and ugly now. That's true love. (It's canon, deal with it, haters)
And John Phoenix sat with Kristoph and Storm and allowed himself to rest for the moment.
For the moment.
THE END