A/N: Hey all, I'm back with another long chapter! But fair warning, this is a very angsty and difficult chapter to get through, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might want to skip this one. Generally speaking, this chapter explores Elsa's feelings from her time in isolation in a very painful manner. I felt it a necessary chapter to write because there is no way Elsa didn't feel depressed during that time, but I also know this isn't everyone's cup of tea. Hence the warning.

But if you do go ahead and read it, please let me know what you think. I promise this is the darkest chapter in the whole fic, so it can only get better from here. Somewhat.

I've seen stories tackle this concept before, but I feel they don't handle Anna's reaction to this very well. This is my attempt to remedy that.

TW: Mentions of suicide.

In The Light Of Day

Set eight months after the Thaw (February 1843)

"I know it has to be here somewhere. Elsa showed it to me just the other day!" Anna called out from between a stack of books.

"What did you say it looked like again?" Kristoff responded from across the library.

"It's about this big, and plain gray, with a picture of chess pieces on the front."

"I don't get why we can't just play without the book. We could just make up rules as we go along." Kristoff griped as he tossed yet another book to the side. There was getting to be quite the pile of books strewn on the floor. He groaned as he saw the mess. "This'll take forever to clean up."

Anna emerged from the aisles with her hands on her hips. "If Elsa walks in here and sees we're making up rules as we play with her chess set, she'll flip."

The princess lifted her head and raised an eyebrow in a modest imitation of her sister as she said, "Anna, if you're going to play with my chess set, the least you could do is play it the right way."

Kristoff smirked at the impersonation. "That's getting pretty good, Anna."

"I've been practicing…" She giggled in response and waved at him dismissively before turning to the matter at hand. "Wow, we've really made quite the mess. We should clean this up."

"But this'll take forever, Anna!"

Anna grinned widely, "If we hurry up, I may have a little treat for you."

"For me?" He asked somewhat incredulously.

Anna simply winked in response.

Now fully on board with her suggestion, Kristoff picked up a pile of books in an attempt to speed the cleaning along.

With a small shake of her head, Anna also picked up a stack of books and turned to put them back on the shelves, but as she moved, her foot caught on a loose floorboard and sent her and her bundle tumbling to the floor.

"Anna!" Kristoff hurried to her side and picked her up. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah…" Anna replied, her eyes darting to the floorboard that had tripped her. Her foot had pried it up so that it revealed a hollow hole in the floor. From the look of the wood, it seemed the floorboard had been removed often, its edged worn and weathered from friction. Anna pushed the wood aside completely and leaned down to get a better look.

She was surprised to find a small, dark book hidden in the shadows. With a small frown, Anna reached in and removed it, taking the time to study the worn leather-bound tome in her hands. It didn't seem like much, but clearly it was special enough to warrant its own hiding place. Ever the curious one, Anna opened the book to the first page.

Dear Diary,

My papa said writing my feelings down in this – in you- would help me control my powers. I'm not sure how it will help, but I have no one else to talk to, so I suppose I should give this a chance.

My name is Elsa. I'm thirteen years old. I have a sister named Anna and I love her very much but I did something bad once…and I-

The rest of the passage was stained with tears so that Anna couldn't make out the words, but she didn't need to see them to know what this was.

It's Elsa's diary...

Anna was simultaneously elated and conflicted about having this in her hands. Since the Thaw, Elsa had opened up a great deal, revealing her insecurities and telling the princess the truth about their past…but Anna couldn't help but feel there was something her sister was still hiding from her.

She didn't know what it was, so she'd never been able to ask. But there was something lurking in every conversation they had about the past, something darker…something Elsa clearly didn't want to talk about.

And this book…well, if it was a documentation of her sister's thoughts and feelings, perhaps it held the secret Elsa hadn't been willing to disclose. But was it fair for her to read it? After all, if Elsa had gone through the trouble of hiding her diary here, wasn't it because she didn't want it to be discovered?

"What's that?"

"Oh, it's nothing…" Tucking the book in her arms, she looked up at Kristoff with a sly smile and a mischievous gleam in her eyes. "Come on. Let's get this cleaned up. Your treat awaits."

"So," Elsa began later that night as her sister took her seat at the dinner table. "How was your day?"

"Well, Kristoff and I wanted to play chess…actually, more like I wanted to teach him how to play, but we couldn't find that rulebook you showed me the other day, so we gave up."

"Hmm." Elsa hummed as she sipped her wine. "I'm glad to see you're showing an interest in chess. I was beginning to think that day would never come. And you were going to play by the rules? My my."

Anna rolled her eyes, though a small fond smile gave away her true feelings. "I figured you'd say something like that. That's why I was looking for the book in the first place."

Elsa simply chuckled and shook her head. "What else?"

"Oh, we just walked around town and greeted some of our friends." Anna replied as she took a bite of her meal.

"And how were the stables? Comfy? Perhaps a few pillows might make it better, no?"

Anna blushed so hard, her face became the color of Elsa's wine. "You-you know about that?"

Elsa sipped her drink and set it down before turning a austere gaze towards her. "I know everything that happens in these walls, Anna. And yes, in the stables as well."

The princess, having been caught red-handed, stammered nervously. "I-It wasn't- I didn't… it was just kissing, Elsa. We didn't-"

Elsa cut her off with a raised hand, cracking a restrained grin at Anna's nervous rambling. "No need to explain yourself. I know you understand the consequences of your actions, Anna. And I trust you to be careful."

Anna nodded, still quite embarrassed by the incident. "But how did you know?"

There was a twinkle in Elsa's eye as she simply replied, "Let's just say I'm a woman of many secrets, Sunshine."

Boy was she. Anna found herself thinking about the diary that now lay on the dresser in her room, just waiting to be read. After her discovery, she'd taken it there in the hopes of unlocking its secrets, but she had yet to work up the nerve. Somehow, reading Elsa's diary, particularly considering the potential secrets it held, felt wrong.

Maybe she could just ask Elsa. Surely, her sister would tell her…right?

"Speaking of secrets, did you ever have a diary?"

Elsa glanced at Anna curiously, surprised by the sudden change in topic. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering…" Anna replied nonchalantly. "I had one as a kid, and I wanted to know if you had one." She looked up at Elsa, waiting in anticipation for her sister's reply.

There was a long silence before Elsa replied definitively, "No. I never had one." She clenched her gown under the table, frustrated with herself for lying so. She wasn't sure what had spurred Anna to ask, but there were simply some things she would never be able to share with her sister. Denying the existence of such a book would put an end to Anna's inquisitive nature. It would be best for everyone if the conversation ended here.

Anna played a brilliant actress, nodding as if was satisfied with her sister's answer, when in truth, Elsa's reply had her reeling.

Whatever it was, Elsa clearly didn't want to tell her and from the look of things. she never would. A burst of anger flared in her at the very thought. Her sister had promised no more closed doors or secrets, so what was so bad that she needed to break that promise now?

September 13, 1834

Anna came by today to talk to me after dinner. It's been weeks since I last heard her voice…I'd stopped believing she would ever drop by. But she did.

Hearing her voice was bittersweet though because it finally dawned on me that Anna's growing up. She's ten now and her voice is no longer as squeaky as it used to be. My baby sister is getting older…and I'm missing out on it.

The next two paragraphs after that were scratched out, but it continued.

She told me all about her day, just like she always does when she drops by after dinner. I like hearing about her adventures, though she does get into quite a bit of trouble. If I were with her, I'd like to think I'd make her behave, but more than likely, I'd probably get roped into her escapades too. I don't think I'd mind that too much. It would be fun to run around with Anna and be a part of her many adventures.

But I don't have the luxury of thinking like that. My place is here, and Anna's is out there, free, happy, and safe…from me, especially. Sometimes I dream of a world where we can be together again, without my curse in the way. But those are just dreams. And dreams aren't for monsters.

Anna took in a sharp breath at that painful phrase but kept reading.

September 14, 1834

I had the same nightmare again. The one I've had for months now, for years actually. The details tend to change a lot, but the gist is the same. I hit Anna with my powers, and she dies…and then-then everyone sees me for the monster I really am and burns me at the stake.

The only difference is now…I don't wake up screaming anymore. I can't. Not without waking Mama and Papa and Anna, who would surely ask why I'm yelling in the middle of the night. Who'd surely want to come in and comfort me. Who'd surely sacrifice all her sleep to help her older sister calm down.

No. There's no reason for anyone to suffer for my sake, especially not for something like this. I've found that stifling my screams with my blanket drowns the noise out fairly well. It's the least I can do.

But sometimes, I just wish someone would hold me…

Anna covered her mouth with a free hand to stifle her own sobs as she finished the page.

What hell had her sister gone through, suffering from the same nightmare for years without anyone to hold her close? And she'd shut her own mouth to keep others from hearing her and wanting to comfort her?

"Elsa…I'm so sorry." Anna whispered as she turned the page. Unfortunately, the entries didn't get better from there.

June 21, 1839

It's Anna's birthday, and she's turning fifteen. I wasn't expecting it, but she stopped by my door to ask for her birthday present.

Me.

But after days of not hearing her voice, I was too ashamed and stunned to reply. She must have waited for a few minutes before I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway.

I can't help but feel like I've failed her…again. I always do. Every year, on her birthday, she asks me to come out and spend the day with her, I say nothing, she goes away, disappointed.

Sometimes I work up the courage to open the door. I reach for the doorknob, but my magic escapes my control and I'm faced with the stark reality of our situation yet again.

This time, I didn't bother giving myself a pep talk. There's no point. Anna and I…we'll never see each other again, even though we live in the same castle. That much, I have to accept.

Giving myself foolish hope would solve nothing. It's better to just accept the truth.

My life has no meaning.

True, I am Crown Princess of Arendelle and someday, I will take my father's place on the throne…but what's the point of ruling a kingdom when I cannot face my people? When I can't face even my own sister?

Father believes that I will be able to control my magic by then, but I have my doubts. My curse only grows stronger by the day. If I couldn't gain control of it at age eight, how could I hope to master it now?

I must admit that I've always thought this was futile. This waiting, learning, trying to control my curse…it was never going to work. The curse controls me and my life. It keeps me apart from my loved ones, my kingdom, the world…

From Anna.

I could hear her heart shatter today as she left without the one gift she'd wanted most of all. The one thing I couldn't give her.

And honestly, what's the point of living life after breaking her heart like that? Of knowing that I'll have to break her heart like that for the rest of our lives? That, no matter how hard she cries and pleads and promises to be better, I can't answer her for fear of giving her foolish hope that one day, we may be together?

There is none.

I'm sorry, Anna. The problem has never been you. It's always been me, and only me. Me and this curse that masquerades as a gift. This dark twisted power that pretends to be beautiful and graceful is nothing but a noose around my neck.

Perhaps I should let it do its work. Everyone would probably be much better off without me. Mama and Papa would have their lives back, free to live beyond the gates as they once did. And Anna…

Anna would get the life she finally deserves, without me weighing her down.

She would miss me, though I don't know why. I certainly haven't given her reason to miss me, to even care about me, but she does…that foolishly selfless sister of mine.

But she would be free to live her life. And after breaking her heart so many times, it's the least I could do.

This is it. My birthday gift to Anna. Freedom from the ties that bind her to me. Freedom to live life happy and carefree, with parents who love her and a kingdom that will come to adore her as their new queen. She will be happy…

And if I'm lucky, with time, she'll forget me. I'll just be a footnote in her life that occasionally brushes the back of her mind. Perhaps she will stop to wonder about the sister that barely existed, but perhaps she won't.

I hope she doesn't. There is nothing worth remembering about me. No reason for her to care or love or keep me in her memories after I'm gone. I've done nothing but bring pain to her life, and if she forgets that…she'll be at peace.

As will I.

Trembling hands turned the next page, but it was blank. The book fell out of Anna's hands and onto the blankets as tears streamed out of her eyes.

Words failed her to describe the emotions swirling in her chest. She had- Elsa had…

Anna moved to shut the book, no longer able to stomach reading the agony her sister had undergone for so long, but as she did, a loose paper slipped loose and fell into her lap.

It was Elsa's writing, that much was clear, but she couldn't make out the words, smudged as they were with water stains. Morbid curiosity led Anna to pick the paper up.

Dear Mama and Papa,

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I figured you deserve an explanation at the very least.

I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. For the agony I made you endure when you decided to separate your two daughters in the hopes that one wouldn't kill the other. I know how much Mama cried that night…and for that, I am truly sorry.

I tried, Papa. I really did. You know well how hard I tried to get my powers under control. How much blood, sweat and tears went into learning to keep my emotions in check so that my powers didn't accidentally flare up. But I couldn't, Papa. I failed you…I'm so sorry.

I don't know what I did to deserve this curse… but I do know one thing. You don't.

Mama, Papa, Anna… none of you deserve to suffer from this. From me. For me. Because of me. You never have, but you did… for years on end.

That stops now. There's only one way to end this. To end your suffering and let you get back to your lives.

I must end mine.

I write this to you all in the hopes that you will understand. That you will realize there is NO other way. If there was, we would have found it by now, wouldn't we?

No. This is how things have to be. I need to leave. Once I do, everything will be alright. You two will be free to live your lives and Anna will make a wonderful queen, of that I have no doubt.

I will miss all of you, more than I can say. But I will be watching, and as long as you're happy, I'm happy.

I should go now, but before I do…

Mama, Papa…please tell Anna I love her. I've wanted to tell her myself for so long…but please, let her know that I cared. I always cared, but I couldn't show her, not without hurting her. Hopefully, she'll understand…but if she doesn't, it's okay. She'll forget me in time.

It's what I deserve.

The page slipped through her fingers and glided to the floor as Anna collapsed in on herself, sobs wracking her frame as she wept for the decision Elsa had very nearly made, for the life she'd nearly given up.

This was the terrible secret Elsa had kept from her, and as Anna glared at the page with red, angry eyes, she knew why.

Elsa had tried to kill herself, and now that Anna knew, things would never be the same between them again.

It was 8:30, and Anna still hadn't made her way down to breakfast. With a sigh, Elsa pushed her chair back and headed to the residential wing. While she very much enjoyed waking her sister up, she couldn't afford to indulge in such moments today.

Part of her contemplated letting Anna sleep in. Surely, they could just spend some time together later in the day. But even as Elsa thought about it, she decided she couldn't wait. Spending time with her sister was something she could never take for granted or have enough of. Besides, Anna could go back to bed if she so desired, just as long as they got to eat breakfast together.

She knocked on the door as a formality before opening it, her eyes drifting automatically to the heap of blankets that covered her sister. An unwitting grin graced Elsa's face as she drew closer to the bed, mischievous fingers fiddling idly by her side. A quick snowball to the face should do the trick.

With a giggle, Elsa let her hands wander as they created a pile of snow, magic coursing through her veins and bringing her relief. This was another thing she could never take for granted, the sense of relief she felt when she used her powers. And to think there was once a time she'd despised them…

Cerulean eyes turned to the hapless victim, a gleam dancing merrily in her eyes as she prepared to make the drop. They fell instead on the papers strewn across Anna's lap.

The snowball hovered overhead as Elsa reached out for the papers, intending to place them to the side before she woke her sister up, but she froze when she saw what they were.

Dear Mama and Papa…

No. It couldn't be. That book, that paper was safely hidden in the library, under a loose floorboard. How could it have possibly-

Then it clicked. Anna's strange question, the fact she'd spent the entire day yesterday in said library looking for the chess book…she knew.

Elsa looked at her sister, horrified by the prospect, only to find dried tear tracks on her freckled cheeks. Anna knew this was her diary and she'd read it.

She'd read all of it.

Even the part about her wanting to die…

Elsa backed away, ashamed and horrified as she remembered the painful past. She'd nearly died…she'd gone and-

She emitted a gasp as she curled into the corner, pulling her knees up to her chest and cradling her head between them. "No…no…she-I didn't…" A strangled sob escaped her lips, though she quickly covered her mouth.

No. Not here. Anna was not safe. Elsa darted out of the room, her mind racing like the wind. Further, faster….

A trail of shimmering red frost emerged behind her, spreading from the floor to the walls of the castle, as she dashed down the hallway to her own bedroom, her haven and her prison.

Anna woke up with a crick in her neck. As she rotated her head to work out the kinks, her eyes fell on the piece of paper that had fallen on the floor. It took a second, but then the memories of the night before came flooding back.

She leapt out of bed and grabbed the paper again, anger and grief warring in her heart. After everything she'd learned about her sister, she wanted to confront her. Demand an explanation. Ask Elsa how she could even think Anna would forget about her if she just went ahead and died.

But Anna couldn't.

She didn't have the words to help her sister, only the words to be upset. And Elsa didn't need that now. Once her sister learned of Anna's deed, she would be thrown back into her painful past, and in such a trying time, she'd need words of love, of assurance, not of anger and grief.

For perhaps the first time in her life, Anna needed to think about what to say.

She turned around to tuck the paper and the book in a safe location but paused at the sight of frost lining her walls. The blood drained from her face as she realized who and what had put that there.

Elsa…

All thoughts of waiting disappeared as Anna dashed to find her sister. Elsa was suffering, she needed her. She bolted out of her room, following the red icy trail as it spread across the hallway. As she ran, she tried hard not to think about how, in the right light, the shimmering red ice looked like blood.

When she reached Elsa's door, she tugged at the handle, yelling as she did so, "Elsa! It's me. Open up…please!"

But there was no response.

Anna contemplated sending for guards or maybe even Kristoff to knock the door down, but she didn't want an audience. Bracing herself, Anna kicked the door near the lock as Kristoff had once showed her. The door slammed open, allowing a gust of ice to fly in her face.

She held one hand up to keep the storm at bay as she moved towards her sister. It was hard to see amidst the snowstorm, but Elsa was huddled in the corner, her head in her hands and knees drawn up to her chest as her frame shook with heavy sobs. The sight broke Anna's heart.

She dropped next to her sister and dared to reach out, brushing her on the shoulder. "Elsie…"

As if struck by lightning, Elsa's head shot up and terrified cerulean eyes locked onto concerned teal ones. "Anna, what are you- it's not safe…you need to get out of here…please!"

Anna shook her head and drew closer still, placing her other hand on her sister's knee. "I'm staying right here. You need someone to hold you now. Please don't send me away."

But sometimes, I just wish someone would hold me…

Elsa whimpered but relented, drawing closer to Anna's warmth as she tried to fight the storm within.

Anna leaned in and placed a kiss on Elsa's brow, "Love thaws, remember?"

The snowstorm vanished, leaving patches of frost in its wake. A much warmer Anna sighed in relief before pulling Elsa into an embrace. She still didn't have the words to say, but she also didn't have the time to contemplate. Elsa needed her, and so here she was.

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

Anna drew back to listen, surprised that Elsa had spoken. But she said nothing, allowing her sister to speak her mind.

"I-I was convinced that you, that everyone would be better off without me…That all I ever did was cause problems for people. I-I made Mama and Papa separate us, I made you lose your best friend and sister, I made them close the gates…" Elsa whispered through her tears. "I was so sure I was doing the right thing by ending it all…"

She turned away sharply, her eyes growing cold and hard as she remembered. "But I was a coward. I thought my magic, dangerous as it was to others, would be enough to end my life as well, but I didn't have the courage to try…"

"For days, weeks afterward, I hated myself for failing to do the one thing I had to do. The least I could do, for you and for everyone…I was a failure, and I hated that with every fiber of my being."

Elsa ran a tired, limp hand over her eyes as she continued, "Then they went on their trip and never came back…and it was then that I realized what I had almost done…to myself." She glanced up at Anna. "To you. I almost took myself away from you because of my selfishness. I almost left you alone…"

"And for almost doing that to you, I hated myself all over again. I couldn't face you. I couldn't let you know how I'd almost ruined your life, again. So, I hid. Like the coward I've always been. I missed our parents' funeral, I pretended not to hear your sobs from the other side of the door as you begged me to come out. I did what I was used to doing. I shut you out."

"And just like it always is, the result was the same…I hurt you, again." She locked eyes with Anna. "I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, for shutting you out so many times for so many reasons…and for wanting to leave you. I-" She broke off into heartbreaking sobs, turning away from her sister as she wept unashamedly. "I'm sorry…I'm SO-rry."

Anna sat at her sister's side, watching helplessly as Elsa bawled. Her sister's confession rocked her to the core. She wasn't sure what she'd expected her sister to say, but it hadn't been this.

"Elsie." She placed a tender hand on her sister's blonde hair. "I-I had no idea…It's all my fault."

Elsa's head snapped up at the words. "What?" She asked in disbelief.

Anna shook her head, grief morphing her face. "You spent most of your life thinking about me that you forgot it's okay to feel for yourself. And I didn't help, especially whenever I knocked on the door to talk to you or to ask you to come out. I did this to you. I made you suffer."

"No." Elsa whispered as she uncurled herself. "No, it's not your fault, Anna."

"Isn't it?" Anna whispered back with more force than she'd intended. "I came by almost every day to remind you of the life you'd lost and the sister you missed. And as if that wasn't enough, on my birthdays, I asked you to come out, not knowing that you refused only to protect me. Not knowing that you hated letting me down. I should have realized that. I should have given up. Certainly, any other person would have…"

"You couldn't have known, Anna. How could you? You didn't know what I was going through."

"But I should have guessed. I should have understood your pain. I should have been helping you, not making you suffer."

"You didn't-"

"Yes, I did, Elsa." Anna replied apologetically. "I'm sorry for making you feel like you didn't deserve to feel pain after the hell you put yourself through for my sake. For making you feel like you had to go away to help me. For making you think only about me and not about yourself for your entire life…. because of me, you've never lived life on your terms-"

Elsa shook her sister, grief giving way to anger. "Don't you dare apologize Anna. None of this was your fault. You had every right to feel the way you did then, to do what you did then. You did nothing wrong."

Anna glanced back with teary eyes. "Neither did you…"

Elsa drew back with a frown. "That's different-"

"Is it? Aren't you just blaming yourself for feeling? For thinking of ending it all after the hell you put yourself through for my sake? If I have every right to feel my pain, Elsa…then why don't you have the right to feel yours?"

The sudden turnabout put Elsa at a loss. She turned away, her throat too choked up to say anything.

A gentle hand turned her face. "You have every right to feel your pain, Elsa. Don't you dare feel guilty about anything. I-When I read your diary, I got a glimpse of your life…and Elsie, if I were in your place, I-I would have given up a long time ago."

"But you held on. For as long as you could. And it's okay that you couldn't anymore. No one could have, not with the way you were living…it's okay to feel like that, Elsie. And it's okay that you couldn't-couldn't go through with it either. Everything that happened to you…you shouldn't regret it, especially for my sake. Please don't ever regret your feelings because of what I may think about them or about you."

She placed a hand on her sister's cheek. "I love you Elsa. I always will. It hurts to think of the pain you couldn't let yourself express, and the way you thought you could fix things…but you have every right to feel that way. And no matter what you feel, I will be there to help you. If you're hurting, I'll heal you. You don't have to conceal anymore. You don't have to live your life for my sake, okay?"

Elsa looked up at her with pained eyes. "You don't-you're not angry at me for almost leaving you?"

Anna sighed. "I was. I still am. But only because you thought I would somehow forget you and be happy…I love you Elsa. And if you ever left me, I'd…" she broke off to compose herself before finishing, "Just, if you ever feel like that again, please tell me. Let me help you, okay? You have someone to talk to now."

"I do." Elsa realized with startling clarity. She wasn't alone anymore. She had Anna. She had a life worth living. "You're right, Anna. I promised you once that I'd try my best to share my feelings with you, and I know I'm not always forthcoming…but I'll keep trying."

Anna grinned and pulled her sister in for a hug. "That's all I want from you."