Chapter Twenty-Two

Tara's eyes drooped, desperate for sleep.

Of course, it was 10 am and not 10 pm where sleep might be welcome and she couldn't just fall asleep on the spot when all of the family was here.

So she sat slumped into the couch with barely-able-to-keep-open eyes and tried to drown out the once-joyful sound of her children playing with their new toys on Christmas morning.

She was teetering somewhere in the existence of delirium when suddenly a loud sound cut through everything with a sharp trill.

Tara's lethargic eyes became as wide as saucers and she dropped from the couch onto the floor on all floors and flung herself toward where Emily and Lily were laying on their mat on the floor.

"Emily," she screeched as she repeatedly ran her finger up and down the sole of her youngest daughter's foot, "Emily, breath!"

Emily's face was scrunched in distaste at the loud sound but then Tara heard several distinct puffs of breath and took in a long breath of her own.

Emily was breathing.

So why was the alarm still going off?

She moved her hand up to Emily's ankle and realized the cuff was gone. She looked all around and spotted Robyn holding it, looking a bit shocked.

Tara grabbed it off of her.

"You can never take this off of her, ever."

Robyn made a small pout.

"I play, Mom-mee."

"You can't play with this!" Tara replied, pained and drained.

Robyn's lower lip protruded.

"I sowwy Mom-mee."

"She didn't know, Mom," JJ cut in from behind, his brow furrowed too.

Tara was dangerously close to tears.

"We told you both!"

She wasn't loud but the tension was palpable.

"She's just little," JJ replied a bit timidly, "She didn't mean it."

Just then Willow skidded in with just one sock on, having abandoned getting dressed mid-way through.

"What's going on?" she said, falling toward them all the same way Tara had, "I heard the alarm."

With shaking hands, Tara secured the cuff back around Emily's ankle.

"Robyn took the cuff off," she said quietly, with a tensed jaw.

Willow could see the quake in Tara's movements and the scared look on Robyn's face. JJ looked frustrated and maybe even angry and that startled her all the more.

She reached for Robyn and held her gently in her lap.

"Okay, Robyn, we don't touch that. It keeps Emily safe and she has to wear it all the time. You won't ever touch it again, yeah? Promise?"

"I pwomise Mom-ma, I sowwy!" Robyn burst into tears and buried her face into Willow's chest, "I 'urt Em-lee?"

"No, baby, Emily is okay," Willow comforted, turning Robyn around to show her the babies wiggling happily again, "Look, she loves the little dinosaur you drew her up on her mobile."

Willow waved the little homemade picture they'd clipped on when Robyn drew them as thank yous to the babies for giving her the new panda and koala bear toys they'd 'gifted' her. She'd chosen to draw them a dinosaur and a shark, which didn't quite offer the same cuddly motif as the rest of the animals on the mobile, but they were drawn with love, so up they went.

"Give your baby sisters a kiss, a nice gentle one," Willow advised, leaning down with Robyn so she could press her mouth to Emily and then Lily's forehead, "Good girl, now give your Mommy a hug."

Robyn looked up at Tara with her big, blue eyes and slowly crawled into her lap, where Tara closed the embrace gently. Willow patted Tara's back and Robyn's back at the same time.

"Everyone got a little fright but everything is all okay."

She looked over to JJ to see if he needed any reassurance but he was already going back to his games console.

"Robbie, you wanna play two-player?"

Robyn smiled and sprang out of Tara's arms.

"Yah!"

She toddled away happily, all forgotten, but the slightly confused look on JJ's face directed toward her hit Tara right in the heart.

Never had she felt like a bigger piece of shit.

Willow guided Tara back up to the couch and exhaled.

"I know, my heart stopped when I heard it too. It's okay, though. Take a breath."

Tara tried but nothing seemed to be able to fully fill her lungs.

It appeared as though she was breathing normally again though, as Willow suddenly turned to her excitedly.

"Close your eyes."

Tara frowned. Did Willow not realize how big a request she was asking?

"Close your eyes," Willow insisted playfully.

Tara realized Willow just meant for a moment and so obliged.

Something was quickly placed in her lap.

"Open."

Tara opened her eyes and looked down at an envelope atop a wrapped gift.

"Willow, I…" she stopped and swallowed, swamped by guilt, "I didn't get you anything."

"You mean apart from the two mini-mes?" Willow smiled down at the floor then back up at Tara tenderly, "You gave me everything."

She pressed a long kiss on Tara's cheek.

"Open it, open it!"

Tara turned it over in her hands, trying to beat the shake, and managed to open it. There was a sweet verse to a wonderful wife inside. Tara felt nothing like one.

She let the card fall to the side and unwrapped the gift. It was a frame, one she recognized because Willow had already given it to her once before. Exactly one year ago.

Except this time, it had a photo inside.

Lily and Emily in their crib together for the first time, sleeping peacefully, finally home.

Willow smiled down at it.

"I told you that that's where we'd put the very first photo of our new baby. I just didn't know it would be babies."

Tara gulped.

"T-thank…thank you, Willow. That's very sweet."

"And it's not even the best part," Willow replied excitedly, "I'm giving you a day off! Whenever you choose. You get to go and do whatever you want. I'll take care of all the kiddos, don't you worry. They won't even know you're gone."

Tara swallowed.

That sounded about right.

She couldn't blame Willow for not wanting her around.

She also couldn't even fathom the thought of leaving the babies for an hour, let alone a day.

"T-Thank you," she said eventually, quietly.

"You're welcome," Willow replied, though with a small frown.

She sat back on the couch to look at the new toys spread out over the floor.

"God bless my Dad, huh? I've barely had a chance to even think about the holidays. He had it figured out before I even asked! He even organized Christmas presents, though it probably killed him."

Tara nodded swiftly.

"Y-yes, yes," she said, feeling so inconsiderate, "I'll thank him."

Stupid Tara. Should have done that already.

Willow's eyes averted to the children.

"Hey Robyn, Jake," she said mischievously, "I think Rudolph left presents outside."

The kids both looked at each other and jumped up, making a beeline for the door.

"Put your shoes on!" Willow called after them and grinned over at Tara, "Okay, that one is on me. I got them snowball shooters!"

She stood up excitedly.

"Are you coming? We can wrap the babies up warm."

"No, no," Tara cleared her throat and shook her head, "I think they should stay inside. I-I don't want one of them to get accidentally hit. And the other neighborhood kids will probably join. I don't want the babies getting sick."

"Yeah, okay," Willow shrugged one shoulder, then nodded outside, "You mind if I…?

Tara nodded.

"Go ahead."

She preferred to be on her own anyway.

When it came to her emotions, misery did not love company.

Tara's eyes opened from their state of exhaustive non-sleep into the dark room.

She could hear it.

Not even a sound.

A pre-sound.

It was barely audible, but she could hear it.

She sat up and swung her legs out of bed, all the movement she needed to be able to reach into the first bassinet where Emily was sleeping. Her eyes honed in on Emily's face and adjusted quickly to make out her features.

About three seconds later, Emily's eyes popped open and her mouth opened to cry. She didn't get a chance to though as Tara already had her in her arm and comforting away the cry that never had a chance to form.

"That's my girl," she whispered as she rocked her gently.

After a moment there was a small stream of light that rose over Tara's head and settled there. Tara looked over her shoulder and saw Robyn idling in the doorway, twisting around on her ankles.

"Robyn, go back to bed," Tara said quietly.

Robyn stayed there, grinning cutely.

"You heard me," Tara repeated firmly as Emily started to fuss, "Bed. Now."

Robyn's brow furrowed and so did Tara's.

"Robyn, bed!"

Willow woke up during the exchange and with a sleepy look between the two deduced what was going on and threw the blanket off of her to go catch Robyn's hand and lead her out of the room.

"You gotta just bring her back without words," she said on her return and as her eyes fought the urge to close, she spotted the muted outline of a frown on Tara's face, "It's okay, you haven't been here so much. We've let her co-sleep on her demand her whole life, she's still getting used to having to stay in bed."

Tara ducked her head.

She'd always been the one to lead their parenting and now she was making rookie mistakes.

Her jaw clenched painfully.

Willow didn't see it as Lily decided to join the late-night party with a small cry.

"Come here Lily-pad," Willow cooed as she picked her up, "Let me get you a bottle."

"I can feed her," Tara cut in quickly.

"Oh," Willow replied, turning in the bed, "Do you want to swap?"

Tara's breath caught.

She looked down at Emily, tiny and frail in the crook of her arm and over at Lily, more robust but chomping for her breast.

How was she supposed to choose?

They both needed her and she wasn't enough.

She just wasn't enough.

Both babies were quickly moving from quiet mewing toward needy crying.

"Tara?" Willow pushed.

Tara blinked and found some part of her cognizant enough to try and react to the situation.

"N-No," she said eventually, her voice somehow sounding normal despite the doom trying to jump up from her throat, "No, just feed her. I-I'm trying to get Emily to latch."

Her heart tore in two.

Willow chuckled, an unnerving and undermining sound to Tara's ears.

"3 am is not the time to try and get Em on the boob," she said, leaving Lily beside Tara as she jumped up again, "I'll go get the bottles."

As soon as Willow left the full-blown screaming did indeed start and Tara quickly tried to juggle both babies to comfort them.

"Okay, sweetie…okay, Emmy, I've got you. I've got you, Lil, I'm—"

She put them both on their backs and kneeled on the floor in front of them so she could address them both.

"Okay sweethearts, it's all okay."

She was barely holding in her own tears so seeing their little faces streaming with tears was not helping her overwhelming sense of failure.

"Please babies," she whined as her mind flashed back to being in the delivery room with all of the screaming and shouting and Lily's little cry as she was taken away.

Her eyes tried to rapidly blink away the tears so she wouldn't stain her daughters' cheeks with any more of them but it didn't work. Everything was spiraling and she felt like she did back in the delivery room; wanting to run but locked down.

She couldn't run then but she could now and her feet were moving before her brain even knew what was happening. She threw herself into the bathroom and then the shower cubicle with her knees up and her breath barely coming at all.

Some short blur of time later, she heard a yell.

"Oh my god!"

Basic mothering instincts kicked back in and Tara hurried back into the room, where Willow was using the nursing pillow to feed both babies their bottles. The crying had stopped but it still rang in Tara's ears.

Willow looked over sharply as she navigated both hands trying to feed.

"Tara how could you leave them in bed alone like that?! They could have fallen or suffocated!"

Tara looked like she'd been slapped.

"I-I'm sorry, I…"

"What were you thinking?!" Willow exploded, then her shoulders slumped.

Tara made much the same motion.

Everything was so loud but so lonely.

"I'll go," she said quietly, heading for the door, "I'm very sorry."

"Wait! Go?" Willow called in distress, "I, you just put the babies down wrong. It-it was just a mistake. I overreacted. You were just going to the bathroom."

Tara hung her head; she didn't deserve sympathy.

"I-I'll go prep more bottles for later."

She didn't give Willow a chance to respond and went straight downstairs, past the bottle sterilizer, and kept going all the way down to the basement to cry.

Tara pushed her food around her plate while everyone else at the table happily gobbled theirs.

"Rose, this chicken casserole is delicious!" Willow grinned, putting her hands over her stomach, "You come to visit us, bring gifts AND lunch? You're welcome back any time!"

Rose chuckled.

"It's very simple but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Did I even see Robyn eat her broccoli?"

Robyn looked down at her plate, shocked at its deceit by presenting a vegetable as something yummy.

"Can we go play the swingball Rose brought us?" JJ asked with an eager face and empty plate, "Please, please, please?!"

Willow smiled.

"Oh alright. But everyone has to bring their plate in first!"

The kids happily cleared the plates and JJ dragged the box with the game in it out to the front yard.

"Tara, I'm, uh, guessing you don't want to come with?" Willow asked cautiously.

Tara looked up and seemed surprised that not everyone was at the table anymore. She blinked twice and tried to recall what she'd been asked.

"Babies," she croaked out.

The babies were fast asleep but Willow just nodded.

"'Kay. Rose, do you want to come?"

Rose smiled easily.

"Why don't I keep Tara company with the babies. I haven't gotten my eyeful of cuteness yet."

Willow nodded again and went to join the kids in the front yard.

"Will we retire into the living room?" Rose suggested.

Tara nodded. She stood and lifted one of the babies' car seats and seemed startled when Rose went to take the other.

She closed her fist by her side and swallowed.

Not for the first time that day, Rose glanced at Tara with concern.

They carefully brought the seats into the living room and Rose sat in the armchair opposite Tara on the couch.

Tara had her hands clasped between her knees and her gaze downward.

Rose went back in forth in her mind what to say, but eventually just spoke what was on her mind.

"It's hard, isn't it? You think your body will go back to normal once you've given birth but it doesn't," she said sympathetically.

Tara looked up unsurely.

"I-I guess."

Rose nodded gently.

"The mind either," she said nonchalantly, "You feel permanently altered from something so momentous as childbirth. It does come back to normal, though. Changed, yes, enhanced some might even say but you feel like a real person again."

Tara's jaw trembled.

"…d-do you?"

"If you nurture it," Rose replied sincerely, and nodded for several seconds as she considered her next words, "Your mother struggled with post-natal depression."

Tara's eyes widened and Rose looked off fondly as she always did when discussing Lisa.

"She loved you so much the ache of anything happening to you was too much to bear. And she just couldn't reconcile that such a perfect little bundle like you would need to be cared for by someone as imperfect as herself, as she saw it."

Tara reached across her chest and clutched her opposite shoulder.

"W-what happened?"

Rose held a hand up sadly.

"Well, we weren't as wise back then as we are now. They called it the baby blues and said it would pass. Thank god I had a friend who was a psychiatric nurse and was able to get your mother in to see someone without your father finding out."

She looked for Tara's reaction, who's eyes were darting back and forth. Rose sighed wistfully.

"Such a long time ago. But she would always say she was so happy she got help before she missed out on too much of your infancy."

She held Tara's gaze with a smile until Lily started to stir and almost as soon as she started to cry, Emily followed.

Tara blinked heavily.

"They're hungry."

Rose stood.

"I think that's my cue to give you some privacy. Unless I can help in any way?"

Tara shook her head, gaze down again.

"I have my pillow."

Rose quickly crossed the room and gave Tara a brief hug.

"If only we knew back then what we know now, eh?" she smiled sadly and kissed Tara on the forehead, Thank you for having me. "It's been so great to see you all."

She looked at Tara for another second, then nodded and retreated out toward the front door.

Tara sank back down onto the couch but didn't have time to think.

The babies needed to be fed and that's all she had the energy to care about.

Tara sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the twins sleeping in their bassinets.

Staring, really.

Making sure she could see every breath.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there now, but the twins hadn't woken up again yet so it couldn't have been hours.

Willow came into the bedroom and went into the bathroom to use the facilities.

"JJ wants to go to the park to play basketball with his friends," she called from inside, followed by the sound of a toilet flushing, and then Willow came back out, wringing her hands, "I thought we could wrap everyone up and have a family walk."

Tara was too exhausted to even look up.

"No, Willow, I don't want the babies to go outside yet. They weren't even supposed to be born yet. And it's flu season."

"Any other excuses?" Willow muttered jadedly under her breath.

Tara's eyes just grew more dejected but no one could see but the floor.

"The doctors said to keep them inside. They're still too little."

Willow sighed. They did say it would be okay if they were wrapped up and had minimal human interaction, but Willow was tired too; too tired to argue.

"Okay," she replied with a nod of her head and an attempt at a cheerful upswing in her tone, "How about you take JJ and Robyn to the park and I'll stay with the little ones?"

Tara rolled her neck.

"Just let him walk to the park if he wants to go. It's only a few blocks, he brings Woofy there sometimes."

"I think that's considered monster parenting these days," Willow joked and missed Tara's shoulders shriveling as she sat beside her, "So I get why the twins can't go outside but why haven't you gone outside since we brought them home? I know you don't have diabetes anymore but exercise is still good. Or even just some fresh air? I thought you could take me up on my gift for a day off and go to the holiday sales and treat yourself or something."

Tara felt the breath start to come quickly in her chest.

"I can't go. They need me," she answered with a gulp, "They cry every ten minutes and there's spit-up all over me and I still can't get Emily to latch on so I can't feed them together unless they both use bottles and I want to breastfeed Lily and I'm just completely and utterly failing at all of this—"

"Okay, Tara," Willow replied with a sigh and Tara realized she'd only said that second portion of her sentence in her head despite it feeling like she was screaming it out loud, "I'm still exhausted from all the night feeds. Robyn's having a nap. I'm going to go tell JJ he can go out and try to rest on the couch too. Call me if I don't wake up when they do, okay?"

"Okay," Tara answered, hollow.

"Okay," Willow answered in much the same tone, hesitated, then left.

Tara continued to stare.

It was near to their wake time, she could tell by the little fists they were making.

At some point Robyn wandered in, trailing her blankie behind her and rubbing her eyes sleepily.

"I thirsty."

"Your sippy cup is by the couch," Tara answered on autopilot.

Robyn walked over, cutely turning her feet in.

"Don' wan' watah."

"Then you can't be that thirsty," Tara replied like a drone.

Robyn frowned and turned her attention to the babies. She reached out and Tara caught her arm.

"Robyn, don't touch them."

"I say 'lo," Robyn replied cheerily, "'Lo Em-lee, 'lo Lil-lee."

She reached out again.

"I told you not to touch them," Tara said harshly and pulled Robyn back by the waist, "They're sleeping."

"I say 'lo! I GWEAT big sistah," Robyn argued like this forgave all sins and tried to twist out of Tara's grip hard enough that she kicked one bassinet, though thankfully not either baby.

Tara felt her breath leave her body as she watched Robyn's foot marginally miss Emily's head and pulled her away, screeching.

"Goddamn it Robyn, can you just do what you're told for once!"

Robyn fell on her butt, stunned.

Mommy never, ever shouted at her.

It was a bit of a game as to how to next press Momma's buttons but Mommy never EVER shouted at her.

She looked up at Tara and with a wobbling lip, burst into tears.

The babies awoke with all of the commotion and Tara backed up against the wall. She slowly fell down with her knees up against her chest and she began to sob too.

True to her word, Willow was climbing the stairs within thirty seconds of the twins waking to help.

She wasn't prepared for the scene she was confronted with.

She rushed to Robyn first to check for injury.

"What the frilly heck is going on?"

Tara barely looked up as she croaked out a response between tears.

"Willow, I need help."

"Yeah, I—" Willow started to respond to the chaos but stopped when she actually saw the sorrow embedded deep on Tara's face.

All at once, she saw what she'd hoped wasn't there; what was so hauntingly present.

It was her turn to fall onto her butt, stunned as it hit her like a gust of hot air, except it chilled her to the bone.

Tara didn't need help, she needed help.

She swallowed to get some moisture in her mouth.

"I-I know."

She blinked several times and looked down shamefully.

"I know."

Finally, her ears tuned back into all the screaming and she started to look around. She stood and physically lifted Robyn out of the room because she was the easiest to control right now. Robyn's tears stopped pretty quick when Willow placed a plate of cookies and her iPad in front of her.

Willow returned to the bedroom where everyone had stopped crying and Tara was sitting by the babies, gently rubbing their legs to calm them — or herself, Willow wasn't sure — down.

"Okay, I let her have unlimited screen time so she's happy and quiet. I put on old episodes of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood to lessen the guilt."

Tara didn't respond even after Willow waited.

"Tara?" Willow prompted after another moment.

Tara seemed startled that Willow was back in the room and held her hands up meekly.

"I-I'm just playing with them."

Willow frowned.

"I know."

Tara's eyes grew downcast and her voice meek.

"Please don't take them away from me."

Willow dropped to her knees.

"Tara, no one is taking them away from you."

Tara looked up with tears filling her eyes.

"Please don't take Robyn. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Willow felt her blood run cold at the broken tone of her wife's voice.

"Tara, what happened?"

"I shouted at her," she replied, barely able to get the words out as she rubbed her eyes, "Everyone was so loud and she almost kicked Emily and I lost it, like him, I was like him and I don't deserve her or any of you but please don't take them away from me, please."

Willow's shoulders slumped and she held her hands up in the air, shaking her head.

"Baby, nothing like that…no one is…the kids are…Robyn doesn't even…she's two, she's forgotten already, all she'll remember from today is a belly full of snickerdoodles."

Tara's head dropped into her knees again and she continued to cry.

Willow felt her heart break.

"You are not him. And we're gonna get you some help," she promised, "And I'm going to stop putting my head in the sand. I-I thought when we came home things might get better but…"

Tara just cried and now Willow was the one who could do nothing but stare, helpless.

The babies began to fuss.

Willow looked over at them and blinked rapidly.

"Shit, they need a bottle. Shit."

She started to stand, then moved back down and reached out for Tara's hand.

"Uh…um…a-are you gonna be okay for a minute?"

Tara snatched her hand away, afraid.

Willow saw the panic spark in her wife's eyes.

She visibly deflated.

This was even worse than she thought.

And she'd been ignoring it.

She frowned, deeply, but she had to go get those bottles.

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

She jumped up then and ran out quickly, her brain trying to process many things at once, most notably: where do we go from here?

Minutes later, after popping her head in on Robyn who was living up to the promise of forgetting any trauma as she giggled away with the screen, Willow returned upstairs still shaking a bottle in each hand.

Willow noticed the crying had stopped yet again before she got to their room but didn't know why until she saw both of their mouths were already busy.

She stopped in her tracks.

"Whoa."

Tara looked up with red cheeks and shocked eyes.

"I-I was just holding Emily while I fed Lily and she just did it."

Willow slowly sank to her knees in front of them all and watched both twins feed from Tara for the very first time. She watched how Emily's little mouth latched onto Tara's breast as naturally as Lily's — like she'd been doing it forever.

She looked up and Tara's chin was on her chest again as she sobbed.

Willow reached a hand out but thought better of it this time.

"Are they good tears or bad tears?"

"I don't know anymore, Willow," Tara said with a hiccup, "I never know anymore."

Willow wasn't sure how many unbroken pieces of heart she had left.

"Darling," she said softly, feeling desperately helpless when Tara seemed to averse to being touched, "You don't have to hide these feelings. A-and I'm not 'psyching' you, I swear. If I was, I would have realized how bad things are a lot sooner."

Tara wiped one eye on the shoulder of her shirt.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"I'm going to organize someone for you to talk to," Willow replied quickly, "Okay?"

Tara didn't really react.

Willow swallowed.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Tara looked down at her two babies taking nourishment from her.

A brief flit of color in her otherwise gray-scaled world.

She found the strength she needed.

"Okay," she agreed with a sniffle, "I'll talk to someone."

Willow nodded, unsure if she felt relief or anxiety at the prospect.

"And soon."