I woke in a clinically white, cool room lying on an actual bed for the first time in my life. In a state of confusion, I glanced around at all of the white furniture and the perfectly sterile surfaces. I bolted upright and noticed that I had been cleaned too; my skin had no trace of dirt remaining anywhere and I was shocked to find that I had forgotten how that felt. I had been changed out of my well worn clothes into a pristine white vest and shorts and as I ran my fingers through my hair in a stressed manner I noticed that even that was clean. My heart sank as I was struck by the absence of Bellamy's jacket as I felt as if it had been holding the last of my fragile psyche together. I swung my legs from the bed with urgency and startled as my bare feet touched the smooth, cold floor.
I marched toward the white door to the room and yanked it with a determined force, unsurprised to find that it was locked. There was a small circular window in the door and I peered through it to find a long hallway that was lined with identical doors. My gut lurched with the instinct that this wasn't a good sign. A feeling of dread pushed my back and I scanned the room in search of another way out but was disappointed to find that wasn't even an air vent in sight. My legs trembled lightly as my breathing grew shallow and it was barely seconds before the shaking spread across my entire body. I felt panic rising from my stomach and it gripped my chest in a crushing sensation. I desperately threw myself at the door repeatedly, screaming out with the madness that flooded my body. I couldn't tell how many times I did this or how long had passed until eventually the door creaked open to reveal several people in some kind of biohazard suits. They approached me carefully and I dropped into a crouch as I held my hands out in front of me defensively.
"Indigo, it's okay. We're not your enemy, we're here to help."
I analysed them in confusion, glimpsing from one to the other as they split to approach me from either side. I had no concept of who they were or how they knew my name but my immediate reaction was not to trust a word that they spoke.
"We're not going to hurt you. Just relax."
The other appealed to me this time as they closed in and my heartbeat pounded in my ears as I prepared to fight. The first reached out to place a gloved hand on me and I snatched their arm, twisting it until I heard a snap. They cried out as they fell forward to the ground and I turned to sweep my leg out to trip the other. I faced the door but there were already three other suited assailants charging inside and I stumbled backwards a couple of steps to buy myself time. Two of them surged forward and attempted to secure my arms in a hold as the third approached with a syringe raised. I kicked behind the knee of one of those containing me and the other squeezed me into their solid grip in an attempt to prevent me from escaping.
In a frenzy I struggled against them and as the last standing attacker grew closer with the needle, I instinctively lashed out to bite the person holding me. They released their grip on me just enough to allow me to strike them across the face which caused them to stumble away. I managed a single long stride toward the remaining suit before I felt a sharp jab in my back. I glanced over my shoulder to witness the first person I'd incapacitated drop a syringe as they recoiled from me and realised that I'd been injected with something. I struggled to keep my balance as my head spun and I tipped to the side. I reached out to grab the end of the bed and managed to stabilise myself for a few more seconds before I dropped to my knees.
"What the hell is wrong with her?! She's not like the others." One of the suited people spoke as they approached my side. I clung to the bed to prevent myself from falling backwards as my entire top half felt unbearably heavy. "Are you sure they didn't have a pet Outsider? She's wild." They added bitterly and I was confused by their terminology. I couldn't control my grip any longer and fell onto my back, flattening out on the smooth floor.
"I'm sure. She's one of them. But you're right, she's worse than the leader." The person standing over me replied as I battled to keep my eyes open. The others? The leader? I panicked internally as I analysed that they must be keeping more of our people captive, including Clarke. I couldn't fight against the heavy exhaustion that washed over me and my eyes gradually blinked closed.
- O - O - O - O - O -
When I next opened my eyes it was to a familiar face and I found that I had been returned to the bed as if the earlier struggle had been nothing more than a dream. The only indication that it had actually happened was that my body felt heavy and lethargic in an unnatural manner. Clarke sat on the end of the bed watching me with concern. She was clean, her skin fresh other than a few scrapes and she was dressed in pastel clothing. She looked so different that it was jarring, as if the last few months weren't even real. I questioned if she was truly there or simply a vision of my drugged mind.
"Hey Indigo." She spoke in a small voice and I couldn't manage a response through the fog of my mind. "You're okay, we're at Mount Weather. There are survivors here and they've taken us in." She explained slowly but her words were so preposterous that I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. "I was scared when I woke up too, but everyone is downstairs. They're all safe." She added reassuringly and my eyes snapped up to meet hers in hopeful shock. "Well...not everyone." She confirmed guiltily and my stomach dropped. For a moment I had hoped that I had misunderstood the situation at camp, that Bellamy and Octavia were going to walk in clean and well dressed like her. But no one entered the room to rescue me and Clarke continued to shift awkwardly. I tried to force some words out but simply stuttered mindlessly and felt myself becoming frustrated at the strength of the medication they'd given me. She waited patiently for me to find the words and leaned in as I battled to make a sound.
"Get away...from me." I whispered with a bitterness that was clear even in my soft voice and she widened her eyes with an air of devastation.
"Indigo, I did what I had to do. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make." She justified as her eyebrows furrowed together. "But I think they're still alive, I feel it in my gut. I want to go look for them." She confided and I scoffed in a mixture of disbelief and anger as I felt myself gaining more control.
There was a pit of fury brewing inside of me as she observed me with a remorseful expression and I had to acknowledge that I didn't have the energy to reach her where she sat. Instead I forced a stutter and pretended to struggle to speak to prompt her to lean closer. I made an overdramatic performance of the difficulty I was experiencing until she moved right into my space. Without any hesitation, I grabbed her face and smashed it into the metal unit that was beside the bed.
"How dare you come in here and try to justify your decision to me. You left them out there to die! They're dead because of you!" I snarled in a hoarse voice that barely conveyed the rage that I felt and Clarke gasped before she leapt backwards out of my reach with astonishment. The commotion summed the people in suits as she slowly backed away from me and I had used too much energy to fight them. Before I could even process what was happening I was unconscious again.
My medication induced coma was torture as I was forced to watch a nightmare reel of the horrors that I'd witnessed in recent days. The images flashed through my brain on repeat: Bellamy hanging lifeless in the dropship, the charred bodies in camp, Charlotte jumping from the cliff as described by Bellamy, Roma speared to the tree, Octavia almost dying in the river, Monty disappearing into the woods, Jasper being speared on the first day in camp. The most vivid of all was Bellamy being beaten to death by the grounder leader in what was now the last time I'd ever seen him. I would have given anything to stop the images and time was meaningless whilst I was trapped revisiting the memories.
When I finally floated into consciousness I was stunned to find Jasper hovering over me with a relieved smile. I was completely reclined in the bed now, wrapped in the covers and tucked in so carefully that I could only imagine that it was Jasper's doing. I lifted my arm and felt something attached to me. I nervously investigated only to find a drip attached to a medication bag.
"Hey Indie." Jasper breathed and I glanced back at him with confusion. "The doctors said that you weren't doing so well, they're just giving you something to keep you calm." He smiled warmly at me as he explained. I didn't feel so drugged now, as if I'd finally slept off the shot and was hopeful that whatever they had in the drip would be more manageable. "I know it's hard to adjust, especially after everything that just happened in camp but this is just a quarantine to check that we're safe to mix with the others. We all went through it. There's so much more on the other side: our friends. Even Monty's here! And their food, it's unlike anything you've ever tasted!" He enthused in a flurry before slowing back down to a soft tone. "So you just focus on getting better so you can join us, it's not the same without you." He added with a hint of sadness and I stared at him in disbelief for a moment.
"Did you say Monty's here?" I repeated doubtfully and he nodded, earning a small gasp from my lips. "You must be so relieved." I breathed as I felt a weight lift from me. I smiled for a moment in appreciation before I remembered my other losses and felt strangely conflicted by the storm of emotions.
"Look, I know when I thought I'd lost Monty it was awful. I thought about him constantly, every good or bad moment I'd ever had with him haunted me." He divulged as he reached over to squeeze my hand and I watched him with tear filled eyes. "I know what you're going through and it is soul destroying." He confirmed with an authenticity that reached into my heart. "But you have to get out of it. You're still alive, they wouldn't want you to give up." He suggested in a way that tried to be inspiring and although I appreciated his compassion, his statement felt impossible.
"They took Bellamy's jacket, do you think you could get it back?" I requested in a timid, vulnerable voice that sounded more childish than I was comfortable with. He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry Indie but I can't. They took all of our original clothes and basically anything we were carrying, it's a contamination risk. They're vulnerable to the radiation here, that's why we have to go through quarantine." He explained regretfully and I sighed in disappointment. The idea of recovering from this grief felt all the more impossible without that safety blanket. "It's easier if you accept their ways here. I know that we had to do whatever it took to survive out there, but we don't have to fight anymore." He remarked with a hopeful expression and I sighed deeply, watching him in an assessing manner.
"How do you know we can trust them?" I asked and couldn't contain a feeling of suspicion at his sudden faith in these new people. It didn't help that I'd only had negative socialisation with them thus far, but the entire place felt uncomfortable to me.
"Oh not you too." He rolled his eyes at me in frustration and I was confused by his dramatic reaction. "You and Clarke are more alike than you even realise." He commented and I glared at him, furious with his judgement. When I considered the disgusted light that I currently viewed her in, I couldn't think of anything more insulting and I couldn't understand why he would make the comparison. "We have no reason not to trust them. They took us in, fed us, clothed us and they're not asking for anything in return. Sometimes you have to take a chance at trusting first." He argued with a passion that only heightened my feeling of unease.
"Taking chances has resulted in nothing but getting us killed so far, what makes this different?" I questioned in an attempt to reach a sensible dialogue about our option but he pulled away from me, getting to his feet with a sharp movement.
"Why are you both so determined to ruin this for us?! We're safe for the first time in months, don't sabotage that for the rest of us!" He raised his voice as he paced around and I observed his behaviour with a startled dread. "Clarke's gone! She broke out and made us look like a bunch of ungrateful, untrustworthy idiots!" He spat and I struggled to lift myself into a sitting position so that I could view him properly.
"Why would she do that?" I investigated as I began to worry that she might have seen some kind of threat. I rapidly became aware that I had not seen the condition of the others, or had a chance to assess the safety of the place of our captors. I felt my anxiety building in my chest as the ideas hurtled through my mind and bounced off the walls.
"She thinks that Bellamy and Finn are alive out there. She said that they may have other survivors too. She wanted our help to look for them." He explained as he rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in exasperation. He was pacing beside the bed now and I was surprised by the level of restlessness in his usually chilled personality.
"The weight of a guilty conscience." I commented involuntarily as I leaned back into bed a reclined position in the bed. "But what if she's right-" I began before Jasper cut me off.
"She did what she had to do to keep us safe!" He snapped aggressively and I flinched at the tone that was unexpected on him. " It was an impossible decision, but it's the only reason any of us are still alive." He exclaimed as he met my eyes with a poignant expression and squirmed under my gaze.
"Why are you sticking up for her?" I grilled as I assessed him closely. Barely a moment ago he had been blaming her for messing up our new life and this seemed like a strange change of opinion.
"Because I made the decision too!" He confessed as he dropped his eyes to the ground to avoid me. "When the engines didn't fire I helped Harper to fix the trigger whilst you were beating the hell out of Anya. I didn't want to do it but I couldn't think of any other way to get us out of that mess. Clarke's letting that drive her insane and so are you, but I'm not going to go down with you." When he finally viewed me again it was with a defensive expression but I could recognise the guilt that hid behind the mask of anger that he wore. He spoke with vitriol and I could hardly believe what I was hearing. "Bellamy and Octavia are dead. You need to deal with that and move on." He spat in a tone that was hurtful before he turned on his heel to storm from the room.
The shock of his words washed over me, leaving me unable to speak or even understand what had just happened. I couldn't understand how he had become so dedicated to our new home already and now that I knew that Clarke had caused issues I was concerned. The familiar drowsiness built from the constant sedative and I felt my eyes slipping closed but I still managed to remain awake. The thoughts swirled around in the haze of my mind as I tried to identify exactly what I was feeling. I became aware of people around me but I couldn't open my eyes or speak.
"Sir we're using an awful lot of medication on this one. Surely it would be better to cut her loose." An unfamiliar voice spoke and I felt the cold touch of someone checking my pulse.
"Consider it an investment. She could be an asset in gaining their trust. It would show them that we won't give up, even on their most troublesome member." A male voice responded in a clinical manner that sent chills down my spine before I was finally dragged to sleep.
After Jasper's verbal outburst my dreams were vivid and full of horror. I witnessed Bellamy and Octavia dying in the fires over and over in my mind as their bodies dissolved into ash. I pictured them screaming for mercy, begging us to spare them. Murphy's taunting face repeatedly appeared to remind me that I had failed them, that I'd never see them again. I couldn't focus on anything besides my despair and felt my mind snapping from the stress.
I forced myself awake in a bolt and the adrenaline in my system overrode the sedatives. I screamed wildly into the space as tears poured down my cheeks and I was devastated when the visions continued in my mind. It was impossible to escape them even with my eyes open and I recognised that I was hallucinating. The guilt and grief were an unbearable force of their own and they were crushing me under their weight. I reached over and ripped the drip from my arm in a desperate bid not to be sent to sleep again. Murphy's vicious insults rang around in my head at a deafening volume and I covered my ears in a manic attempt to quiet them. Octavia and Bellamy's faces continued to haunt me and I could hardly breathe through my tears.
I moved in a daze that was so thick that I was unable to even tell what I was doing. My eyes were drawn to a scalpel that had been left on the bedside table and I gulped as I considered the only suggestion my grief ridden brain could give. I reached for it without thinking and stared at my wrists for a long while as the memories tormented me. Time seemed to stand still until I found myself sprawled on the floor, leaned back against the bed. I had no knowledge of how I'd got there but the chaos had faded into a suffocating silence. I couldn't move my arms and my clothes were damp as I noticed a growing puddle of blood surrounding me. I had no regrets about what I'd done as the reality of my actions struck me and instead I simply hoped to be with my family soon. I could feel my head growing heavy and my eyes were no longer able to focus on my surroundings. Suddenly, I became aware that someone was moving me and I tried to struggle against them but I couldn't control my body any more. I was hurriedly laid on the soft bed and I could sense several people surrounding me. The only sensation that remained was the tight grip of someone maintaining pressure on my wrists.
"No, no…please don't…" I hardly managed to whisper in the blurred space but I was heartbroken to find that there was no acknowledgement of my words or my desires.
"Every drop of this blood is precious; we cannot afford to waste any of it!" I heard the same male voice from earlier but could not find a face through my darkening sight. He was clearly furious now and I was confused by his words. "It will be deeply suspect if she dies whilst under observation. Keep her alive." His words were insistent and full of authority as he ordered the flurry of people around me. The puzzling statement was the last thing that I heard before fading into darkness.
The familiar horror show began again and I truly felt as if there were no escape. It was painfully clear that my captors had no intention of allowing me to die and I could not continue to live with the torture of my mind. I worried about what they were doing to the others, whether they were safe and why they were going to such lengths to keep me alive. Most of all, I was haunted by the voice of the man who instructed those in suits and I feared his intentions above all else.
I slowly felt myself waking again in the bright white room and could feel the overpowering weakness of my body. It was immediately clear that it wasn't the same feeling of the drugs, but an effect of the injuries that I'd inflicted on myself. My heavy eyelids gradually fluttered open to see Monty sat beside my bed, smiling at me hopefully.
"Hey Trouble." He spoke softly and my eyes filled with tears of joy as I absorbed the familiar warmth of his smile. I tried to bolt forward to embrace him but I barely managed to flinch as I realised that I was restricted. My eyes roamed down to discover that I was confined to the bed by padded restraints and I flitted my attention back to him in horror. He peeked over his shoulder and I followed his line of sight to notice another suited person observing our interaction from the corner of the room. "Can we get these off? They're really not necessary." He asked as he indicated to the restraints with a tone of disbelief..
"She's still considered high risk. She attacked your leader." They shifted uncomfortably as they answered him and he rolled his eyes at me before he turned to face them.
"Yeah but that was Clarke, it wasn't without reason." Monty reasoned as he regarded her with a hint of annoyance. "She won't hurt me." He asserted firmly, prompting them to approach me cautiously.
They quickly unlocked the restraints and immediately jumped backwards to ensure that they were out of my reach. In the very first moment that I was free to move he pulled me into his arms and gripped me tightly. I clung to him like he was my life raft in a storm, holding one hand on the back of his head for comfort.
"I'm so glad you're safe." I breathed in a cracking voice and I held onto him for a long while before we finally broke apart. "It's so good to see you, you look well. I never thought I would see you again." I sniffed as I rubbed my eyes to remove the beginning of tears. I noticed that his gaze caught on the large padded bandages that were now on my wrists and I dropped my face to avoid meeting his eyes.
"It's good to see you too. I wish I could say you were looking good." He sighed, leaning forward to take my hand in his. "I'm not going to say that I know what you're going through because I don't. When Jasper was taken by the grounders I was devastated and I only got through it because I had hope that I would get him back. He's like a brother to me and I couldn't imagine my life without him. You lost your sister and we all know how you felt about Bellamy. I don't know what it's like but I understand." He spoke in such a gentle voice that I couldn't avoid him any longer and as our eyes met, a few tears escaped my composure. I quickly wiped them away before I could be swept away with the emotions that I felt.
"Thank you Monty, it means a lot for you to be here." I whispered in an attempt to keep my voice even and controlled. "Especially after…I think I upset Jasper, I didn't mean to." I trailed off, unsure of who was in the wrong in our earlier conversation. He sighed deeply with a sympathetic expression.
"He told me what happened. He was angry at Clarke and then you questioned things…he lashed out and he regrets it, especially since you…" He abruptly stopped talking and it was clear that he was struggling to find the words as he stared at my wrists. "He wanted to come with me to apologise but he didn't want to stress you out any more. So just try not to worry about him for now, you'll have your chance to talk if you want it." He smiled warmly and squeezed my hand encouragingly.
We sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, enjoying each other's familiar company and I stared at him in amazement. His presence returned a shred of hope to my heart to see that he was alive and well, sitting at my side. I never dreamed that we would spend easy time together like this again and I was thankful for every moment that passed.
"You're past the time of quarantine now. So when you feel up to it you can come to the main floor and see everyone. We all miss you up there." He studied me hopefully and I sighed deeply. I was still unsure if I felt ready to pretend that everything was alright yet.
"Maybe not just yet." I answered in an uncertain voice and although he tried to hide it, I noted that his face fell slightly. "It sounds like Jasper's a pretty big fan already. He was raving about the food. Is it really as good as he says, or was he just trying to lure me up there?" I tried to speak playfully but my voice was too raspy and refused to cooperate.
"I guess you'll have to come up and find out." He teased and I smiled for the first time. "I know that you're struggling Indie, I know it seems hopeless but if you just stay in here, alone with your thoughts, you're not giving yourself a chance. You know they wouldn't have wanted that." Monty's reasonable nature was far more natural than Jasper's and I could feel that his words were carefully considered.
"It doesn't matter what they would want, they're gone." I spat and I was surprised to sense a stab of viciousness in my tone that I hadn't intended. I forced myself to soften my face as I met his startled eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm really not myself right now." I spoke in a small, apologetic voice. I was finding it difficult to navigate my emotions through my grief and I seemed to be swaying between them too quickly to keep up. He nodded back and smiled with understanding in the way that he always did. "Tell me something, if it's so great up there, why did Clarke run off?" I quizzed as I seized the opportunity to investigate with someone reasonable.
"Who really knows." He sighed in a thoughtful manner. "I think she just couldn't adjust to the safety after all the time of protecting us. She didn't trust anyone or anything, she was seeing danger everywhere, even where it wasn't." He explained and his words sent shivers down my spine. As much as I had disagreed with Clarke in the past and I wouldn't deny that I hated her now. I knew that her instincts had always been sharp and she'd seen danger that the others missed more than once. If she believed there was danger here, I needed to investigate this place too. No matter how I felt I wasn't about to lose anyone else. "Even though they told her that they would keep looking for any other survivors and try to find anyone at the Ark crash sites, she couldn't believe them. She wanted to go and look for herself." He revealed and I was careful to cover my interest at the mention of the Ark crash sites.
"Yeah well, guilt will do that to you." I replied coldly in an effort to distract from the conversation as I made a mental note to return to the topic later.
"You gave her a pretty nasty black eye for someone so fragile." Monty commented with an amused expression and I couldn't contain a slight smile at the mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
"Who said I'm fragile?" I drawled as I raised a brow at him and as I spoke again I noticed someone entering the room behind him. "I could still kick your ass." I stated with a lilt of entertainment in my voice as the stranger slowly approached with what appeared to be another bag of medication for the drip stand. I felt my stomach twist into knots at the sight of it and felt fear gripping my chest as I considered returning to sleep.
"I wouldn't doubt that for a moment." Monty chuckled lightly under his breath. Without the time for subtlety I reached out and grabbed his arm, clinging to him manically.
"I'll go with you." I commented as I tried to force a confident smile but I couldn't even lift my lips through the building anxiety over the medication.
"But…you said you weren't ready yet?" He questioned as he assessed me doubtfully. The person carrying the medication arrived at my side and smiled at Monty as they set out their supplies on the bed.
"Monty please...don't let them sedate me again." I hissed with panic gripping my voice and he glanced from me to the supplies. "I can't…I can't do the nightmares again. Please." I begged and my voice cracked under the stress. His eyes widened in shock and he jumped to his feet, throwing a hand to the person with the medication to half their progress.
"Wait!" He barked loudly causing the assistant to flinch. "Don't sedate her. She's coming with me so I'm gonna need her to be able to walk." He quickly forced a calm demeanour and softened his voice back to a relaxed tone that likely sounded natural to me, but I could still hear the hint of concern in his words. He smiled encouragingly at them, but they seemed sceptical as they surveyed him.
"I've been instructed to keep her mediated for her own safety. These wounds will take a while to heal, so it's crucial that they are cared for too. She needs to be here for a few more days at least." They responded in a flat tone that revealed a lack of empathy and Monty was obviously wildly searching for ideas as I stared up at him in desperation.
"I think she's better off being around her own people, I'll take personal responsibility for her." He stated firmly and they moved to continue with their task. Monty stepped hurried into a position where he could block them from reaching me and held his hands up in surrender. "Please, can I just speak to someone about this?" He pleaded and they considered him reluctantly. After several tense minutes passed, they put the medication down and left us alone together. As soon as the door closed behind them, Monty turned to fix me with a serious expression. "Look, you're going to have to agree to whatever they say if I'm gonna get you out sooner, alright?" He instructed and I nodded keenly in acceptance. The door swung open again to reveal an older man who was wearing a badly faded suit. He approached us calmly with an air of great importance and Monty straightened up at the sight of him. "Mr President, I didn't mean to bring you into this." Monty breathed nervously and I studied the man with interest.
"It's quite alright young man. The staff explained that it was important for you to see Miss Sloan here and I hope it's been beneficial to her recovery." The man began with an authoritative manner to his speech and I was immediately unnerved by him. "What you must understand is that she is still in recovery and after the antics of your leader, I'm sure you can appreciate that our doctors wish to be cautious with your rather troublesome friend." He confirmed with a sly glance at me.
"I completely understand sir and I'm really sorry that you've had problems with her." Monty declared and I knew that I'd chosen the right person for this task. I relied on Monty's level headed nature to take control of this situation. "I know that she attacked your people but she was afraid just like the rest of us and not in her right mind. She's grieving, she lost her family in the fight at camp and it was Clarke's decision that caused that, so that's why she attacked her too. She's been calm and reasonable the whole time that I've been here with her and I really think that if she was with her own people she'd recover faster." Monty explained in an impressive attempt at diplomacy. The man sighed deeply and took a few moments to reflect on Monty's speech whilst I waited with baited breath.
"Be that as it may, there are precautions that must be followed if your friend here is going to integrate with us more successfully than Clarke." He spoke with a poignant inspection of me and I fidgeted awkwardly as he turned to address me. "You will need to attend appointments with the doctors to have your wounds cared for. You will also need to attend counselling with one of our people regularly so that they can assess your mental state and risk. What you have been through is difficult and grief is an unpredictable process. We need to ensure that you are not going to be a danger to us." He explained before returning his attention to Monty. "If she leaves here she will be your responsibility, so you need to be willing to make sure she keeps to these rules." He added firmly and I felt my stomach flip at this demand.
"Yes sir, I understand." Monty answered without hesitation and I was surprised that he was willing to do this for me.
"Well alright then, why don't we give Miss Sloan a minute to change in private?" The man smiled as he indicated to the door and Monty flashed me with a hesitant smile before allowing himself to be led from the room.