Haruhi had been living with Kurozawa-sensei for a bit more than a week. He reassured her a lot about her not being a bother and she enjoyed living here and taking care of the old man. Plus, she prefered not to be far in case that idiot of Souji came back to his senses. He had to realize at some point that Tama couldn't ever offer him what he was seeking for in a woman. She was too shy, docile, polite... He'd be bored to death. He would, right ? And then he'd search for her and tell her how stupid he had been and that he wanted her by his side once again. She would throw her arms around him and tell him that all is forgotten and that he was gonna be a father and he'd smile and tell her he love her and never should have left her.
Okay, maybe she was fantasizing a bit too much... Even if he were to break his engagement with Tama, chances are he would be too proud to come and search for her... Anyway, she needed to be there for the end of this story, so that she could put it behind her. If she were to go back to the Fukushima prefecture, she wouldn't know if he really married, if he survived... And she needed to know, to face her failure with her own eyes.
« Ojiisan ! » yelled Haruhi, sliding the shoji « you're sleeping in again ! »
A groan was her only answer and she put her fists on her waist, bending to adress the old man.
« Breakfast has been ready for hours and the sun is already high in the sky ! » she scolded « I know artists aren't the most disciplined but a morning routine is important for health and long life. »
« My life's long enough already... » he muttered.
« Get up ! » she ordered, opening the windows « it's a beautiful day ! I'm gonna pour you some tea. »
The old man grumbled and Haruhi got out his room, knowing that he was going to join her. He was listening to his body a lot too much. He didn't have any set time for sleeping, eating, working... nothing to rhythm his days. Sometimes he was waking up in the middle of the night with an idea and he would work on it immediately and sleep during the day, skipping meals... It really wasn't a healthy routine and Haruhi decided to put a bit of order in that.
Grumbling, Kurozawa-sensei eventually came to get breakfast and she went in front of the workshop to practice. She needed it, it had been a part of her life for too long. Plus, now she wasn't only slicing the air but a mental image of Souji. One day, she'd probably kill him.
Souji's right temple, left temple, Souji's right neckside, left neckside, Souji's right shoulder, left shoulder, Souji's right flank, left flank, Souji's right knee, left knee... Repeat. Souji's right temple...
Basic movements, basic stances but she needed to practice and keep moving while she could. She witnessed Chizuru's pregnancies and knew that at some point, swordsmanship would become off-limit for her heavy body. She sighed. What a mess... and all that because of Souji. She should have left him in Yomi.
She noticed Kurozawa-sensei was sipping his tea outside, looking at her.
« What ? » she asked.
« You look like you're preparing for battle. » he smiled.
« I'm just practicing. » she stated.
He didn't say anything and looked at her, still sipping his tea. After a while, he got back inside and got out again with a brush and some ink and paper.
« What are you doing ? » asked Haruhi, blushing.
« I'm just drawing lines, Fujita. » he replied with a smile « the way your sword reflects the light inspire me. Probably gonna make a design out of it. »
« As long as you're not drawing me... » she muttered.
Kurozawa-sensei chuckled and kept working, studying her every moves. When she eventually was satisfied with her mastery, she sheathed back her sword.
« I'm going to the public bath. » she said, taking a clean yukata for when she would be dry.
« Can you go to the market afterwards ? » he asked « it should still be there and we are running out of supplies. »
« Okay » she nodded « I'll go. »
Haruhi used to go to the public baths in Oita but at home and in the Shieikan, there was a private bathroom. Yet, she didn't mind. The place was clean and even if she was sharing the space with a lot of different people, it wasn't weird. She quickly cleaned herself and went to the market before the sellers folded back their stand. It was already late to go to the market. She nearly ran but when she arrived, everyone was still negotiating and buying stuff. She took all the vegetables she needed and also some fruits.
« Haru-chan ! »
A shiver crawled down her spine when she heard that familiar voice and she turned around with her best smile.
« Tama-chan ! » she said « long time no see ! »
« Yes ! » she bowed, enthusiastic « Souji told me you left the Shieikan so I was worried I might not see you again... I'm glad to see you well ! »
« Yeah, me too. » replied Haruhi « You're here by yourself ? »
« Of course not. » she smiled « Okaasan is at the fishmonger, I'm just waiting for her. Why did you go from the Shieikan, Haru-chan ? »
« I had a divergence of opinion with Souji. » she stated, keeping it vague on purpose.
« On what matter ? »
« Path choices. Anyway, congratulations for your engagement. I didn't have the chance to see you before. »
« Ah... yeah... » she blushed « I hope I will be a good aide to Souji and bless him with sons. »
« May you both be happy. » said Haruhi with her stomach all knotted « I must go. »
« Wait, Haru-chan ! » she called « you know, hum... You should go and see Souji... »
« Why ? »
« Because he seems to be... disgruntled... by your defection. » explained Tama « I've never seen him like this. »
« That's his problem. » shrugged Haruhi « If Souji wants to talk, he can find me at the workshop of Kurozawa-sensei. »
« The potter ? »
« Himself. » she nodded.
« I'll tell him. » nodded Tama with a smile « I hope you both can be friends again. »
I highly doubt that.
« Souji and Okaasan are preparing everything for the wedding and I hope you will come, Haru-chan. » she smiled again « It will be nice to have a friend. I'm somehow... scared... about marriage. I'd love to have your support ! »
« I'll see what I can do. » said Haruhi, polite « Is there a date yet ? »
« Yes ! » she nodded « it's early October ! With the leaves turning red and everything, it'll be pretty. We'll do it at the Shieikan. Okaasan has chosen my attire and everything. »
« I'll see if I can come. » muttered Haruhi « I can't say for sure now. I'm sorry, Tama-chan but I really need to go. I hope to see you soon. »
« Yes, me too ! » she replied, enthusiastic « If you need anything, you can stop by at our house ! Okaasan would be pleased to see you too. »
I'm pretty sure your snake mother knows of my true feelings. She must be goddamn happy that I'm out of the way.
These were pathetic thoughts, unworthy of her. Tsune wasn't a snake or anything, and even if she did suspect something was going on between Souji and Haruhi, she never spoke ill of the latter. Yet, Haruhi was so enraged that it didn't even matter. She tightened her grip on her grocery bag and gritted her teeth in anger while she walked at a frantic pace to get back to the workshop. She slid the shoji with force and put her bag down to empty it.
« Something's wrong ? »
« Not your business, Ojiisan. » she hissed.
« You've seen Okita-san ? » he asked.
« I said it's not your fucking business ! » she yelled.
Out of anger, she caught a nearby cup and threw it on the wall.
« Hey ! That's my art ! » he protested.
Haruhi came back to her senses and passed her hands on her face before she kneeled to pick up the cup.
« I'm sorry... » she muttered « it's... it's not that broken... »
« Enough not to be repairable by my hands » he sighed « it's too late for that one. »
« I'm sorry... » she said « I won't do it again... »
« I surely hope so... » he frowned « tell me what had angered your heart. »
« I saw Tama. »
« The Kondou girl ? »
« Herself. » nodded Haruhi « wedding is planned for early October. That's in only a month and a week. »
« If your decision of splitting up with Okita is already final then it shouldn't bother you. » he stated « a week, a month, a year... Do you wish to get back to him ? »
« Not as concubine... » she muttered « I don't want to be the one warming his bed while the wife gets all the rest. »
« Then don't trouble yourself with that marriage. » he shrugged « you're young. You've got your life ahead of you and Okita-san wasn't a man to deserve you. You'll find one who suits you best. »
« You don't understand... » she sighed « Souji... He was the only man I ever loved. I'm not sure I can be happy with another one. »
« Maybe not now. » he smiled, putting his hand over her shoulder « a heartache is always hard to swallow. But you'll overcome it. The pain lessen with time. »
« Some injuries never heal. » she stated.
« This one will. » he assured her « if you try to move on. »
Haruhi nodded with a smile and she went to make some tea for the both of them. Kurozawa-sensei was right, maybe she could heal, with time and will. She poured the tea in two cups and took hers in hand.
« I'll drink it outside. » she said, getting out.
He didn't follow her, probably understanding that she needed time alone. She sat on the bench with her fuming cup of tea and softly blew on it.
Move on... I guess I need to, just like Ojiisan said.
But first, she needed to cut every link that could tie her to Souji. She carressed her belly under her obi and took the herbs that kill out of her sleeve. She wasn't sure that was the right way but she put the dried blue-green leaves in her tea. Would that be enough ? She wasn't sure and so, she put a bit more. Luckily for her, she never had dreamt of family and children and even with the obvious signs of life inside her, her maternal instincts seemed rather low. Funny. As a girl, bringing life should be her only dream and purpose.
She let the herbs infuse and looked at them coloring her tea darker. When it had cooled enough for her to drink it, she took the cup to her lips and hesitated.
In her mind, she could see a little boy with emerald eyes and mahogany hair, chuckling playfully, a small replica of the man she deeply loved.
Sorry akachan...
She poured the liquid into her mouth and even the leaves. Her throat was strangled and she stayed that way with the beverage until she eventually found the will to swallow. There was no turning back now. And soon, there would be no link left between Souji and her. May he be happy in his marriage.
Author note :
Akachan means baby.