A/N: Firstly, apologies that this last chapter took so much longer. I had a bad case of writer's block and with everything that's happening in the world, I just wasn't in the right headspace to tackle it. There were more important matters that people were dealing with.
But I managed to get it done, although, be warned, it is a bit of a long one! This is the final chapter - although there will be an epilogue to tie up any loose ends, so to speak.
I want to take this opportunity to thank every person that has joined me on this journey, to everyone that has taken the time to leave a review or tweet me their thoughts. Every single one has been greatly appreciated and I am so very, very grateful. Without your feedback, I doubt I would have been brave enough to see it through to the end.
Massive thanks have to go to the three ladies that have beta'd for me over the duration of this story. Blue, Aimee and Kate. I cannot thank you enough. Without your kind words of encouragement, your endless support, your critical eye and your occasional kick up the backside, I would never have got to this point. I love you so much and thank you.
Finally, I know these are frightening times, but I also believe it is a time of hope. Hope that maybe this time, things may change. Much love to you all.
#staysafe
#staystrong
#blm
Jo xx
Rated: M
Battling Fate
Chapter 26
It's natural to think that most therapists would use everything in their skillset to encourage their patients to talk. After all, it's difficult to guide and treat, if your patients won't tell you what they are feeling or thinking.
However, Stan Lipschitz had realised quite early in his career that silence could be a powerful thing, and it certainly didn't indicate that nothing was happening or that no progress was being made.
A silent patient could be processing. They could be coming to terms with something profound, realising a truth that had previously been hidden. Time, coupled with silence was often all that was needed to coax understanding and recognition, and his office was a safe place for that to happen.
Silence also communicated much more than its lack of sound might indicate. It often told Stan a great deal about his patients, for there were different types of silence.
Awkward silence. Frustrated silence. Angry, nervous, embarrassed silence, and not forgetting cocky, arrogant, 'I don't want to be here and you'll get nothing from me' silence. He'd seen them all.
The silence in the room at the moment, though, was something a bit new to him.
There were two patients sitting in front of him. A couple. This wasn't a first for him by any means, but the atmosphere in the room, the vibes he was getting from these two patients, that was something new.
They were sharing a couch, but sitting apart. Both of them were looking anywhere but at each other, and despite their body language screaming anxiety and disquietude, there was also a discernible sexual tension in the air. It buzzed between them like electricity, and it was so palpable that Stan found himself both fascinated and distracted by it.
Harvey was the nervous and frustrated one. Stan observed the rigid posture, the set jaw, the clenched fists. Anger wasn't what he was emanating though, it was fear and worry but with a sense of indomitability. He seemed resolute and determined, as though he had absolutely no intention of leaving the room until whatever needed to be resolved had been thrashed out and settled.
Donna on the other hand, appeared to be harbouring a lot of anger and a lot of pain and hurt. There was a nervous energy about her, indicating that she was agitated. She seemed uncomfortable, but resigned to being there. Her brow was furrowed, a troubled frown had been fixed in place from the moment they had arrived.
They had been sitting like this for about ten minutes. Harvey, reluctant to speak, Donna refusing to speak.
Stan had patiently waited as he observed the simmering hostility, the stubbornness but also this rippling, sizzling energy between them. If he left the room now, Stan wasn't sure if they would descend into a screaming match or rip each other's clothes off. Probably both, he surmised.
He placed his pencil in his notebook and closed it, dropping it on the coffee table between them. Having observed them for some time, it was clear neither of them was going to make the first move. It was time to bring this silent impasse to an end.
"So...how have things been since I last saw you?"
Harvey's eyes flashed up to meet Stan's. Donna turned her head away and looked at the floor.
Stan looked expectantly between them. There was a beat and then Harvey bit the inside of his cheek as he let out an audible sigh.
"Strained," he said.
"I'm sensing that." Stan nodded. "Do you know why?"
Harvey shuffled in his seat and he shrugged. "I fucked up as usual. Like I always do."
Donna whipped her head around and glared at Harvey. "That's not…" She paused, pursing her lips.
Harvey tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow. "Not what? The truth?" he questioned with an air of exasperation.
"Why do you say that, Harvey?" Stan pressed.
Harvey shook his head and huffed. "I'm no good at this. It was just a matter of time, before I screwed everything up. Screwed us up." His voice cracked and he rested his elbow on the side of the couch as he brought the back of his fingers up to his mouth as he tried to keep his emotions in check.
Donna seemed to thaw at that. Harvey losing his composure tapped into her automatic and inherent desire to protect him from hurt or pain. She reached across to him, taking his other hand and gave it a squeeze.
"You haven't screwed everything up, Harvey. I'm here. I'm just …" she faltered again, finding it hard to find the words to describe exactly how she was feeling.
"You're just what, Donna?" Stan questioned.
She looked up to the ceiling then before expelling a steadying breath. "There's so much that we haven't talked about and it all still hurts. I know that's more on me, that I have been avoiding conversations, but that's because Harvey isn't the only one who's afraid of fucking everything up. We're both constantly walking on eggshells around each other. We are both trying to open up but I'm… I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"I don't know. Afraid that when we talk it will burst this bubble that we've been in."
"That bubble was burst yesterday," Harvey mutters.
They both fell back into silence then and Stan leant back in his chair. "What happened yesterday?"
Harvey clenched his jaw. "Like I said, I fucked up… twice."
Stan removed his glasses and placed the tip of the arm in his mouth as he contemplated Harvey's words. "Why don't you talk me through it."
Harvey closed his eyes and he grimaced again as he thought back to the previous afternoon. The day had started so well. They'd made love, their intense connection and the depth of feelings between them still took his breath away. They'd revelled in each other. The morning had been so perfect, so freeing, so right in every way. He'd braved the subject of Donna's appetite and she had managed to eat the pastries he had brought, which had been a relief. He'd even managed to get her to agree to this session with Stan, although they both hadn't envisaged it happening this soon.
Then she'd asked about her job, and despite the reminder from Mike that he needed to talk to her about it, he still hadn't been prepared for her sudden question. It had thrown him. His original plan to work out what he would say to her, whilst he cooked her dinner, before bringing the subject up over dessert had gone straight out of the window.
The look of pain on her face when he didn't immediately answer her question just fueled his panic, and it had just gone downhill from there.
xxx
"Do I still have a vote?" she all but whispered.
Harvey had been drying his hands on a dishcloth and he halted his movements at her sudden question.
Shit!
He looked across at her. She was staring at him, eyes full of nervous expectation. Her chest rising and falling rapidly as she waited for his response.
Shit, Shit, Shit!
He hadn't worked out what he was going to say yet, but he knew he couldn't lie to her.
His shoulders slumped, and his head dropped.
She took in his posture and her face crumpled slightly. She nodded, tears filling her eyes.
"Donna—"
"It's okay, I get it."
"No, you don't. It's not that simple."
"Have you rescinded my resignation?"
"No, but —"
"Do you plan on rescinding it?"
"No, but —"
"Then I think it is that simple."
She got down from the breakfast stool, her face flushed, her lip trembling and Harvey rounded the kitchen island in two short strides, grabbing her arm and pulling her back from her attempted escape.
"Donna, don't walk away. Will you just hear me out, please? It's not what you think."
She hesitated. Harvey knew that her instinct was to bolt, but she met his pleading gaze with a look of apprehension. He gently turned her so that she was facing him and he took her hands in his.
"I'm leaving the firm."
Donna's eyes widened in shock at his words. "What?"
Harvey took a deep breath and he dipped his head to meet her line of sight, ensuring that she could read the sincerity in his eyes.
"As you know, we have the managing partner vote on Monday, I plan on announcing that I am stepping away from the firm."
"What? Why?" she demanded, looking totally perplexed.
"A number of reasons. Mike has asked me to join his firm as a joint and equal partner, work in Seattle for a year, before coming back to New York to set up a clinic here. I think—"
"You're leaving New York?" She looked horrified.
"We're leaving New York," he corrected.
Donna took a step back and she held her hand out to halt him. "Wait, What?"
"I agreed with Mike that I would wrap up any outstanding casework here by Christmas, before handing over my clients to the remaining partners. We could be in Seattle by February. I think this could be perfect for us, Donna. After everything we've been through, I think a change of scenery and a fresh start is just what we need. I also think we would be safer in Seattle while Roman awaits trial, not that I think we're in any immediate danger, but I'd just feel better knowing you're nowhere near him or his cronies—"
"So you've already decided, then?"
Harvey cautiously nodded.
"And you didn't think to discuss any of this with me before making that decision?"
Harvey opened his mouth and then shut it again. He could feel the waves of indignation rolling off of her as she crossed her arms and stared him down. He attempted to close the distance between them as he reached out to touch her. "I thought you would be happy with the idea of being near Rachel—"
"You thought, but you didn't ask," she snapped. Her eyes narrowed then. "When did Mike speak to you about becoming partners?"
Harvey bit the inside of his cheek, hesitating at her question.
"When, Harvey?"
"He first suggested the idea a few days after we got back from Connecticut." He watched her eyes widen even further and she shook her head as she took another step back from him. "Donna, I'm sorry. I was going to talk to you about it tonight."
"Bullshit!"
"It's not, I swear to God."
"It's been two weeks, Harvey. Two weeks of me wondering why you hadn't mentioned my resignation letter. Two weeks thinking that you didn't want me back at the firm and wondering why?" Her voice broke, betraying just how much the issue had been needling at her.
Harvey squeezed his eyes shut. He felt his heart pound incessantly. This wasn't going well at all and the sight of her distressed again was adding to his anxiety.
Donna furiously wiped a stray tear from her cheek, her sadness swiftly replaced with anger. "How could you not talk to me about this?"
Harvey's head snapped up, his dismay at the turn this conversation had taken, quickly morphing into frustration. "I don't know, Donna, maybe because every time I tried to talk to you about anything, you goddamn shut me down."
"Oh, so it's my fault that you made a major decision about my life without discussing it with me?"
"I didn't say that."
"This isn't something inconsequential, Harvey. This is a major life decision you have made on behalf of the both of us and you just assumed I would be okay with it. Well, do you know what? I'm not!"
She grabbed her coat and snatched up her purse and marched towards his front door.
"Where are you going?" Harvey asked, panic striking him in the chest as he watched her wrestle her shoes on.
"Home!"
"Are you coming back?" He failed to hide the fear in his voice.
Donna wavered then, and she looked back at him. Her demeanor still exuded fury but there was a flash of concern too, as she acknowledged his panic-stricken tone.
"I need some time, Harvey."
He pursed his lips and swallowed. "I'm sorry, Donna. Please don't go."
She softened a little at that and she sighed. "I'm not leaving you, Harvey. I just need some space, okay?"
His shoulders slumped, but he nodded his reply. "Okay," he mumbled. She buttoned up her coat and turned to leave.
"Donna, wait…"
She paused as Harvey strode over to his bookcase, and pulled open a drawer. The same drawer Paula had retrieved Donna's resignation letters from. He reached inside and took something before walking back over to her.
"Here," he said. "Just in case I'm not here when you come back." He added with a shrug.
She looked down at his outstretched hand and she inhaled sharply. There, poised between his fingers, was her key. The leather fob inscribed 'Debbie, NY's Best Secretary' was right-side up, staring her in the face, as though mocking her. Her mouth dropped open and she looked up from his hand and into his eyes. He was now frowning, clearly confused as he observed her shocked and pained expression.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she choked, her anger and pain back in full force.
"What?" Harvey looked alarmed, but then he glanced down at the key, and even though he had never forgotten the terrible night he had asked for it back, nor the way she had thrown it at him the next day, he recognised the significance of this moment and how flippantly he had treated it.
He squeezed his eyes in despair, realising how he had just fucked up again, monumentally.
The worst of it was, his actions did not reflect how he felt, one iota. He had actually been desperate to give her back the key for weeks, but just like everything else, the memory of that time was a painful one for both of them, and he just hadn't found the right moment, or decided on what he would or should say. Their argument and her desire to leave his condo had driven him without thinking. He was so anxious that there be no obstacles to her returning to him as soon as possible, that he'd grabbed it in a panic.
"Donna—"
"Don't!"
She left him standing there, the key still in his hand as his front door slammed shut, the sound masking an anguished "Fuck!" from Harvey.
xxx
"Why did you leave, Donna?" Stan asked.
"I was angry."
"I understand that, but why did you leave?"
Donna shuffled in her seat and she fidgeted her hands, casting her eyes away from Stan's gentle but probing gaze.
"I…" She lifted her fingers and rubbed her forehead. Stan waited patiently for her to answer. Harvey on the other hand was looking more and more uncomfortable, his desire to protect her from further pain kicking in.
"Isn't that obvious? Like I said, I fucked up twice. First about leaving the firm, and then the fucking key. She wanted to get away from me because she was angry—"
"Harvey, I asked Donna the question. Please, let her answer it," Stan calmly cut him off.
Harvey huffed but he didn't argue. He sat further back into the couch and ran his hands down his thighs in an attempt to calm himself.
Donna cleared her throat, finding her voice. "I think I left because as angry as I was, as much as I wanted to have it out with him, yell at him for disregarding me like that, I was afraid."
"What were you afraid of?"
She twisted her fingers together, and squeezed her eyes shut, as though summoning the courage to admit the truth. "That if our argument escalated, it could jeopardize what we have. That I might say something I didn't really mean... or...or that he might." Her voice cracked on those last few words.
"People do often say things they don't mean when they're angry, Donna. I'm sure you know that. So why would this make you afraid?" Stan probed.
Donna expelled a deep breath and lifted her hands in a helpless gesture. "I don't know."
"I think you do."
She looked up at Stan sharply, clearly thrown that he was calling her out. She shook her head at him, almost as though pleading with him, not to push her any further.
"Donna, do you trust Harvey?"
"Yes, of course. With my life," she answered without any hesitation.
"And what about with your heart?"
Donna blanched. Harvey paled.
"I know that he would never willingly hurt me, if that's what you're asking me." There was a definite tremble to her voice.
"That's not what I'm asking you, Donna."
"I…" She shook her head more vehemently. "Please don't!" she choked, a tear escaping down her cheek. She sobbed then, the desperate sound slipping from her mouth, unwillingly.
Harvey was looking panicked. He opened his mouth to speak, to protest, but Stan held up his hand and gave him a warning look. A look that didn't just tell him to remain quiet, but also conveyed that he had this, he knew what he was doing and Harvey could trust him.
Harvey's breathing had accelerated, but he resisted the temptation to put a stop to what Stan was doing, despite desperately wanting to.
"Donna… do you trust Harvey with your heart?"
"Yes… No… I don't know," she gasped. "I want to. I know he loves me, I really do. I know he wants this, he wants us."
"But?"
Donna's tears were flowing freely now, and Harvey wasn't far behind. He was afraid to hear what she might confess but also desperate for her to let her walls down and confide her fears.
"What are you afraid of, Donna?" Stan pressed once more.
"That he'll break my heart again!" she blurted out.
She grabbed a tissue from the strategically placed box in front of her and pressed it against her eyes, in a bid to not only dry them, but also to hide from the truth she had just disclosed to the room.
Harvey held his breath, his heart aching at her words.
"If you know that he loves you, and you don't doubt that he wants to be with you, why are you still afraid that he might break your heart?"
Donna's bottom lip was quivering, and she was trembling all over, but then she looked up at Stan with a sorrowful expression.
"Because until now, loving him has only brought me pain," she whispered.
She then turned slowly to face Harvey. She gripped his hand even tighter, and she took a deep breath. "I've loved you, Harvey, for so long. But every time that I thought you might want me too, every time I dared to hope that you felt the same way, you would take two steps further away from me. So, I convinced myself that you needed me, but you didn't want me—"
"Donna—"
"Let me finish, please."
Harvey swallowed but he nodded.
"You told me once that you loved me, but then you tried to take it back. I told you I wanted more and you saw that as me abandoning you again, so your knee jerk reaction was to run to Paula and it felt… it felt like you were abandoning me instead. Like you were trying to beat me to the punch. As I watched you get closer and closer to her, you were slipping further and further from me and it hurt like hell." Donna pursed her lips and let out a steadying breath before continuing.
"That's why I kissed you, Harvey. I know it was impulsive and reckless, but both Mike and Louis got into my head, talking about soulmates. I realised, that's how I saw you. As my soulmate. You were the only man I ever wanted and I was losing you. I didn't regret that kiss at first, because I realised that not ever knowing, would be far worse… but then those last few months…"
Harvey was struggling to keep his own emotions in check, and he lifted her hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut as he placed a kiss there. "The way I treated you…" he choked out.
"You were angry, and rightly so. I knew the position I'd put you in with Paula. I expected you to be pissed, but then you wouldn't accept my apologies. Every attempt I made to reach out, to try to heal what I had broken was rebuffed, and it only got worse, not better. The fights we had…" She paused, wincing at the memory. "You were so cold, so brutal. You weren't just angry, you dismissed me. You cut me from your life and it broke my heart."
Harvey let out his own anguished sob, then. His lips were pulled tight as he desperately fought back his own tears. "I'm so sorry, Donna."
"I know, Harvey. But yesterday was our first real fight as a couple, and as angry as I felt, I was scared more than anything. To answer your question, Stan, I ran because all I could see in that moment was every argument we had had following that kiss. Every vindictive word, every glacial look, every time he dismissed me. I remembered the night he asked for the key, and it wasn't so much that he asked for it, but the way he looked at me when he did. Like I was dead to him and I…" She swallowed another sob and slowly exhaled. "After everything that has happened, I just wasn't strong enough to go through that again."
Harvey covered his face with his left hand, and he let out a shuddering breath. His other hand squeezing hers tightly. "Donna, I wish I could turn back time and take back everything that I said and did over those few months. It makes me feel sick to my stomach."
"Have you explained to Donna why you acted that way?" Stan asked.
"We haven't talked about those few months at all," Harvey answered with a shake of his head.
"Why is that, Harvey?"
Harvey lifted his hands and flashed Stan a baffled look. "Donna has already explained, why."
"No, Donna said that you have both been walking on eggshells around each other and that she has been avoiding conversations with you out of fear."
"Exactly!"
"Forgive me, Harvey, but that still doesn't explain your reasons for avoiding the subject." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, I tried several times to talk to her about things, but she would change the subject or just clam up."
"What things specifically?"
"What do you mean?" Harvey asked.
"What specifically did you try to talk to her about?"
Harvey shrugged. "Her father, The Karimov's, Samuel, the kidnapping, her eating, her nightmares—"
"The way you behaved after she kissed you?" Stan interrupted, stopping Harvey dead in his tracks.
Harvey stared at Stan. He knew that there was no point in denying that he'd purposely evaded that topic. Despite knowing that they needed to talk, the thought of addressing those few months had filled him with dread. However, he had discussed it with Stan in his own therapy sessions, and even though he knew Stan would never disclose anything he had told him in confidence, he also knew that denial now was not an option.
"You accused Donna of avoidance, Harvey. It was your response to her when she got angry about you not discussing your decision to leave the firm. But would it be fair to say, that you have also sidestepped this particular topic?"
Harvey sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. "It would," he conceded.
"And why is that?"
He thought for a moment before glancing across to Donna, who was looking at him with fear in her eyes, no doubt worried about what he might say.
He looked down at their hands, which were still intertwined. "Shame," he said. "I'm ashamed. The way I behaved, the way I treated Donna, I feel so godddamn ashamed."
"Why do you think you reacted the way you did, Harvey?" Stan probed.
Harvey bit the inside of his cheek as he summoned the words. "At first, I was confused. The kiss blindsided me and I didn't understand what the fuck I felt." He paused and turned to face Donna, turning her hand over and rubbing his thumb across her palm in circles.
"You're right, Donna. I panicked when you said you wanted more. You asked to be made a partner, and although I knew that you deserved it, I still saw it as you leaving me. No-one has ever understood me as well as you, I never had to explain anything, you just got me… and there you were, telling me you wanted something more, something else…"
"... I thought I'd solved it when I went to Paula. For a while, I had the best of both worlds. You were still there at work, by my side, albeit in a different way, and I had Paula there for everything else. It felt good, I enjoyed being in a grown-up relationship for once." He expelled a sigh and lifted his eyes to hers. "But then you kissed me, and it was like a bolt out of the blue."
Donna inhaled sharply, but she nodded at him to continue.
Harvey's eyes softened. "I never forgot how I felt, all those years ago, when we spent the night together. I've never admitted it to you before now, Donna, but that night scared the shit out of me. It was the first time I'd ever felt like that about a woman, the first time I'd ever felt that kind of connection. I knew I could fall in love with you easily. If I'm honest, I probably already had, but that night, you made me feel vulnerable and I was petrified..." Harvey paused, taking another deep breath.
"...So, when you said you wanted us to put that night out of our minds, part of me was relieved. And I did exactly that. All those feelings I'd had, they never went away, but I buried them. Until you kissed me."
He tilted his head as his eyes locked with hers. "That kiss reignited those buried feelings, and it confused the fuck out of me. Yes, of course I was mad that you'd done it knowing I was in a relationship, you know how I feel about infidelity, but truthfully, that wasn't the reason I was so cruel to you."
Donna's eyes widened and she held her breath, afraid to hear what he might say next.
Harvey squeezed her hands again before continuing. "I felt so goddamn guilty. I was betraying Paula, not because of the kiss, but because I suddenly wanted you more than I wanted her. Maybe I didn't see it clearly at the time, but Christ, I know now, that's what it was. I didn't want to have those feelings, I was with Paula. But, there I was thinking about you, in ways that I shouldn't have been. Thinking about you instead of my girlfriend."
Donna opened her mouth to respond but Harvey shook his head, indicating he wasn't finished.
"Donna, I turned that guilt into anger and rage toward you, because I blamed you. You'd turned my world upside down and I was a complete, fucked up mess. I was punishing you, punishing us both. I knew I was destroying our friendship, I knew that I was hurting you every fucking day. I can still see the look on your face every time I said or did something spiteful, every time I cut you down at work and belittled you, and it hurts me now as much as it did at the time. I hated myself for it, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop feeling guilty, frustrated, and so fucking angry."
Donna was trembling now, and Harvey lifted her palm and placed a kiss there before continuing.
"Donna. I would do anything to erase the damage I inflicted, as though it had never happened. But I can't. What I can do is tell you that I am so, so sorry. I was such an asshole, and that's a fucking understatement." He grimaced, taking both of her hands in his and cradling them in his own. "I love you. I'm in love with you, and I'm not going anywhere, Donna. You're stuck with me now." There was just a hint of a smile on his face, but only a hint as his eyes were still full of sorrow and guilt. "Can you forgive me?"
Donna gazed at him through tear-filled eyes, and she nodded. "Of course I forgive you, Harvey."
That hint of a smile grew wider on his face. A sense of relief flooding through his veins. Relief, hope and love.
"I never intended to be so nonchalant about your key. It had been on my mind for weeks. I wanted to give it back to you with some grand gesture, but I was afraid to. Afraid that however I did it, it would bring back those memories and we just weren't ready to face those demons." He hesitated, lacing his fingers with hers as he sought the right words. "...and regarding the firm? I should have told you about Mike's offer. I shouldn't have made any decisions without asking you first. I am sorry about that too. If you don't want to go to Seattle, we won't go. If you want to stay at the firm, of course, I will rescind your resignation—"
"What do you want to do, Harvey? Do you really want to leave the firm?"
Harvey met her inquisitorial gaze. She was scrutinizing him, his facial expressions and his body language, ready to challenge him, if she didn't believe his answer.
So he firmly held her gaze, determined that she would trust the truth of his reply.
"I think it's time. If these last few months have taught me anything, they've taught me what's important in life. I love the firm, I love the people there and I will always love corporate law. I'm good at it, and it will always be part of me. But it's not enough for me anymore. You're what's important. My friends and family, too. I'm ready for a change, a new challenge, and I want us to do it together, side by side."
"What about the firm, though Harvey? You've worked so hard to get where you are today. Do you really want to throw it all away?"
"I wouldn't be. The plan is that my name would stay on the wall. I remain as an absentee named partner of the firm, while we're in Seattle. If it doesn't work out with the clinic, then I can always return, if that's what I want to do...and we both agree of course," he quickly added with a nervous smile. "However, if it goes well, and we come back here to open a New York office of Zane Specter Ross, then I can go about the process of leaving the firm more permanently. Mike and Rachel want you to work at the clinic too, managing the office, but only if that's what you want to do." He paused, still not able to get a read on Donna's thoughts. "But, like I said. If you don't want to go to Seattle, we won't go. As long as I have you, I'm good anywhere."
Donna didn't answer, her eyes searched his, seeking honesty in his words. He never dropped his gaze and she slowly started to nod, a smile spreading across her face, to mirror his own.
"Harvey, I've told you before, I'll follow you anywhere."
Harvey cocked his head to the side and he stared at her more seriously. "Donna, I need you to want this too. I don't want you to agree with me, just to make me happy. This has to be a joint decision."
"It is," she assured him with a light chuckle. "I would love to be nearer to Mike and Rachel, and you're right about a change being good for us. If it doesn't work out, it's only a year, and at least we would have tried and we'd know."
"Are you sure? You were so angry yesterday—"
"I'm sure, Harvey. I was angry because it felt like you were taking control away from me, making decisions for me. But now that we've discussed it, I think we should do it. I'm not sure yet if I want to work at the clinic though, I'd need to think about that."
"Okay, then," Harvey said with a widening grin, and he leant forward and captured her lips with his own. Donna sighed into the kiss, and it lingered, them both savouring the moment, until they were interrupted when they heard Stan clear his throat. They pulled apart, both wearing a shy smile, clearly forgetting for a moment where they were.
"This is excellent." Stan clasped his hands together in his lap. "You have both made some wonderful progress, and in a timely manner too," he said with a warm smile and a nod to the clock on the wall. "Our time is up, I'm afraid. I think another joint appointment would be a good idea, if that is agreeable with you?"
Harvey looked to Donna and she smiled in agreement. "Thank you, Stan. I think that would be a great idea."
They left Stan's office hand in hand, starkly different to how they'd arrived. Ray was dutifully waiting for them and as he drove them back to Harvey's condo, they fell into another silence. This one was a little easier than the one they'd sustained just an hour ago.
But only a little easier.
The anxiety, pain, and anger had dissipated, but there was still a tension in the air between them. A highly charged, anticipatory tension full of need and want. As they neared Harvey's home, the air thickened further with desire, their breaths more laboured, their muscles tight and poised.
Ray glanced back at them through the rearview mirror, more than once. The intensity of the atmosphere, the almost electric vibes sparking between them, clearly hard to ignore. Always discreet and ever the gentleman he said nothing, choosing instead to dim the screen between them in an attempt to give them some privacy.
If they had been further from home, Harvey would have pulled her onto his lap and ravished her right there. His pulsating need was so uncomfortable it was almost painful. However he had no intention of starting something he couldn't finish, and gazing out of the window of the Lexus, he was well aware they were only minutes from his building.
Those minutes felt like hours, but finally, Ray pulled up and Harvey was out of the car like a flash, striding around to open the door for Donna, his hand held out to help her step out onto the sidewalk.
The elevator ride up to his penthouse was supercharged. He held on to her hand, their fingers interlocked, and they stood side by side, staring straight ahead, still saying nothing.
The instant Harvey shut the front door behind them, he had her pinned against the wall. Their lips fused, their tongues doing battle, their hands everywhere, simultaneously trying to touch every inch of each other as well as frantically trying to remove coats, scarves and gloves. Damn the winter and the extra layers of clothing the season required.
They stumbled down the hallway, turning and bumping into surfaces on their journey into his apartment, both refusing to relinquish their hold on each other.
They were all roaming hands, scratching nails down backs, fingers tugging at hair.
Teeth clashing, nipping at pulse points, pulling on lips, tasting each other.
Moans and sighs and gasps.
Too impatient to make it to his bedroom, Harvey lifted Donna onto his kitchen counter and she immediately wrapped her legs around his waist. He tugged her cashmere sweater over her head, throwing it to the floor where it was soon joined by the bra he'd deftly removed with a flick of his forefinger and thumb.
Donna's hands flew to his belt, her fingers making light work of his buckle while she niftily popped open the buttons of his jeans. Harvey wasted no time palming her left breast as his head dipped to taste the other, he grazed her nipple with his teeth and then his tongue while Donna gasped, the sensation lighting a fire in her belly. She pulled his head up roughly from her chest so that she could crash her lips against his, their mouths open, their breaths hot and panting.
Harvey hoisted her skirt up past her thighs, so that it bunched at her waist, his fingers hooking into the edges of her thong. She lifted her ass from the counter and he removed her underwear in one swift motion.
Their mouths hungrily met again, both their tongues fighting for dominance, as Donna reached between them, slipping her hand inside his jeans and around his rock hard erection. She rubbed him firmly back and forth and Harvey groaned into her mouth, the sensation simultaneously causing him to stutter as well as spurring him on. With her legs still wrapped around him, she roughly pushed his jeans and boxers down to his hips with her foot in a bid to free him from his constraints.
He then withdrew his lips from hers, and for a moment the only sound was their heavy breathing. He stared at her intensely, almost possessively. His eyes were black as coal save for the fire that was burning behind them. Then he splayed his hands across her backside, and he lifted her hips, pulling her to the edge of the counter and towards him, in one swift motion. Her breath hitched. He placed one hand behind her neck, his fingers weaving into her hair as his other palm pressed against the small of her back. She gripped his cock firmly and guided him to her. He could already feel her wetness, her own desire and need more than evident and it was all the invitation he needed. He thrust forward, sinking into her.
Donna whimpered at the delicious intrusion and Harvey stilled, as they both revelled in the moment. She was hot and slick and tight as she enveloped him, and Harvey had never wanted or needed to be anywhere other than this, right here, inside her, stretching her, feeling her heat all around him. His desire for her was almost overwhelming. He wrapped her hair around his knuckles, and tugged her head back to expose her neck, sweeping his tongue across her throat causing her to groan even louder.
"Fuck...Harvey," she moaned. "I need you now."
He smirked into her neck, nipping her skin there once more before removing his hand from her back and running it up and over her shoulders, across her clavicle, and in between the valley of her breasts. He gently but firmly pushed her down, so that she lay back on her elbows, totally exposed to him. His tongue flicked out and he licked his lips.
He then began to fuck her, slowly at first, his rhythm deliberate and steady. Donna's head fell back, her long auburn hair splayed across the counter as she reached out her hands to grab his forearms, her nails digging into his skin. Her moans and whimpers increased in volume matching the gradual increase in his pace.
It felt exquisite. The passion they shared amplified by their synchronicity. Nothing had ever felt so right, so perfect. Every nerve, every touch, every thrust causing wave after wave of intense pleasure that was only strengthened by their depth of love for one another.
Harvey's hands clutched at her hips and he changed the angle of his thrusts. Donna's response was immediate, she arched her back and cried out his name, screaming that she was close. Harvey, too, felt the familiar tightening in his groin, and as much as he never wanted this feeling to end, especially as he looked down at the sheer beauty of her, her flushed skin, her bouncing breasts, her mouth open, her eyes hooded, he knew he wouldn't last much longer. He picked up the pace once more, as he pounded into her, rough and hard, and when he felt her muscles spasm and clench around him, and he heard her cry a string of expletives, he followed suit, his whole body exploding in pleasure as his orgasm hit, spilling inside of her as he grunted and gasped her name like a mantra.
As their breathing began to slow, Harvey looped his arm underneath her back and lifted her to him, so she was flush against his chest. He kissed her softly and slowly, teasing her mouth open with his tongue before tilting his head and deepening the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands curling over his head as she ran her fingers through his hair.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" he whispered into her mouth as he rubbed his nose against hers, his eyes sparkling with love and a wide smile spreading across his face.
She traced her fingers down his cheek and she shook her head slowly. "I don't think you have, Harvey, no."
Harvey met her loving gaze and he frowned slightly. "There's a lot I never said to you, that I should have."
Donna cupped his face in her hands. "We're both guilty of that."
They breathed each other in, their eyes locked as they acknowledged the truth of her words. Then after one further, languid and sensual kiss, Harvey carefully withdrew from her, eliciting a slight gasp and a tiny pout from Donna at the loss of their connection.
"Come on," Harvey grinned. "Let's go take a shower...and then what do you say, we go out for dinner? We haven't been to Del Posto for a while. I miss you stealing my dessert."
She chuckled at that, but she dutifully followed him to his bathroom, as he led her by the hand, her body still tingling with desire.
It was ten days later, the night before they were due to travel to Seattle for Christmas with the Ross's, that the final hurdle, the final difficult piece of their emotional puzzle, was eventually confronted and put into place.
The previous ten days had been eventful. They had weathered the storm of the aftermath of Harvey's decision to leave Zane Specter Litt remarkably well. The firm had agreed to Harvey's proposal that his position remain open for him for twelve months, his name and reputation carried a lot of weight in the corporate world, and removing it from the wall would have done more harm than good.
Robert was more than happy to take over as Managing Partner, a move that clearly went down well with Samantha. She was fighting with Alex for named partner, and whilst Harvey didn't doubt the abilities of his friend - Alex was after all, a fucking kick-ass lawyer, seeing how formidable Samantha had been in their battle with the Karimov's, Harvey surmised that the battle would not be an easy one for Alex to win. He was therefore relieved that he would not have to get involved with that particular fight.
The most difficult and painful consequence of the decision they made, had been its effect on Louis.
He was devastated. His initial reaction had been shock and disbelief. That had quickly led to anger and accusations of betrayal. He lashed out at them, saying terrible things which they brushed aside, knowing his words came from a place of pain and sorrow.
They knew he loved them both, deeply. His relationship with Harvey may have been tumultuous, but like squabbling siblings, they had both shared a bond and a respect for one another that went way beyond their many, many fights and bitter falling outs. Louis had both admired and resented Harvey, but he'd always seen him as his friend. They'd come through the ranks together, survived every attack on the firm, and been the last two standing from their original beginnings at Gordon, Schmitt, Van Dyke. The loss he felt at losing Harvey was felt keenly and it was then compounded by the fact that Donna was leaving too.
Louis adored Donna. For all the teasing, the fighting and the drama over the years, she had always been there for him. Their shared love of the arts had given them a special bond, something that Harvey had never been a part of, and it had meant everything to him. She had truly been his friend, from comforting him when his heart had been broken more than once, helping him overcome some of his fears and worries and always understanding and accepting his many quirks, foibles, and eccentricities. He trusted her, he loved her and she was leaving him.
After a week of angry outbursts and temper tantrums, Harvey and Donna had paid Louis a visit at his home, at Sheila's behest. They spent the evening with him, reminding him that this wasn't the end of their friendship, that they would always be there for him, and that at the very least, even if they never came back to the firm, they would still be returning to New York in a years time.
"But how am I going to handle Robert and Samantha on my own?" he mumbled.
"You won't be on your own, Louis. You'll have Alex and Katrina, not to mention Gretchen fighting in your corner. She will always have your back," Harvey reassured.
Donna leant forward and placed her hand on Louis's arm. "Besides, with Harvey gone, you'll probably all get on like a house on fire."
"Hey!... I'm right here."
"Jesus Christ, you're right," Louis murmured. "Without Harvey there, it's bound to become a peaceful and tranquil Zen space of high productivity."
"Still here…" Harvey huffed.
Donna rolled her lips, trying to hide her smirk.
"You will be fine, Louis. You have Sheila, wonderful friends and colleagues around you. You've got this!" she tilted her head and smiled warmly at him. His eyes were still red rimmed from crying, but he nodded and returned her smile.
His face then lit up and he looked excitedly between his two friends, before turning to Harvey.
"Hey, when you come back, if you're no longer working at the firm, and we'll be just friends, not colleagues, do you think you'll finally go mudding with me?"
"No, Louis. That's never gonna happen."
"Goddamn it," he grumbled.
With Louis somewhat placated and having finally obtained his blessing, they set to work, planning their move.
Donna had given notice on her apartment, broke the news to her parents that they would be leaving New York and then busied herself with final Christmas preparations and packing for their week-long trip to Seattle. As well as spending the holidays with their best friends, they were going to visit the clinic, get a feel for the place and begin looking at apartments.
Harvey threw himself into work, closing off cases and systematically handing over every one of his clients to his partners. Some required more hand holding than others, but overall, the transition went smoothly.
And so, the night before they were due to fly out to Seattle, Donna, being ultra organised, had everything in order, all their presents wrapped, and their bags packed and ready. They had nothing left to do but relax and have some downtime before turning in for an early night, their flight leaving early in the morning. They were curled up together on his couch, watching Survivor, Harvey with a cold beer, Donna with a glass of Rioja.
She rested her head against his chest, smiling to herself every time he shouted at the TV, which was frequent. His investment in the show was an endless source of amusement to her.
He ran gentle circles on her arm absentmindedly, occasionally dipping his head so that he could place a featherlight kiss to her forehead, his eyes though, never leaving the screen.
And it was as she sat sipping her wine, basking in the joy of just being there, with him, in his arms, that the desire to have that one final conversation about their turbulent history, suddenly gripped her. Whether it was because in that moment, she felt such a sense of contentment and happiness that she just knew they were forever, that she no longer had a reason to be afraid, she wasn't sure. She didn't plan on it, the words tumbling from her mouth with abandon.
"Did you love her?"
Harvey froze. His fingers ceased their playful pattern on her arm, and she noted that he gripped his beer bottle a little more tightly.
"What?"
"Paula… Did you love her?" There was nothing accusatory in her tone, no malice, no tension. Just simple curiosity.
Harvey shifted in his seat then, so that he could see her face and ascertain where this sudden question might be coming from. He frowned, scanning her features, but when he saw no pain or hurt there, he visibly relaxed. His frown disappeared, to be replaced with a resigned look that communicated his slight discomfort, but also a sense of relief that they were finally going to talk about a topic they had still predominantly avoided.
"Yes, I did." He paused, searching her eyes for her reaction. She winced slightly but she nodded at his response.
"I wasn't in love with her though. Believe me, I now know the difference," he added with a tilt of his head, his chocolatey brown eyes meeting hers in understanding.
Donna bit her lip and she rested her hand on his chest. "Were you happy with her, though? Do you think you could have had a life with her?"
Despite her calm demeanor, there was a nervousness to her now. Donna didn't doubt her future with Harvey, or his love, but this question had plagued her ever since he had told her he was seeing Paula...and not as his therapist. If she hadn't meddled in their relationship, would he still be with Paula? Would he be settled now and happy?
Harvey reached over to the coffee table and picked up the remote control. He switched off the TV and then twisted in his seat so that he was fully facing her. He took her wine glass, placing it on the table and he gathered her hands and held them in his before lifting his gaze to meet her anxious stare.
"Donna… My relationship with Paula was, for the most part, really easy. She understood me, she could read me. I mean you know how I hate to explain my feelings, right?" He gave a wry smile. "Well, I never had to with her." Harvey's expression grew more serious and he inched a little closer to her.
"Our relationship was safe and comfortable, and I was happy because I had nothing to be afraid of. I had no fear because I knew I wasn't in any danger of getting hurt. She could never have broken my heart...and do you know why?"
Donna shook her head, her eyes wide as she absorbed his words.
"Because she never had my heart... You did."
Donna's bottom lip started to tremble and she smiled at him through watery eyes.
Harvey reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, letting his finger linger down her cheek. "If my relationship with her had naturally come to an end, I knew that I would've been fine. I enjoyed being with her, I was relaxed and happy because it was low risk…"
"...Donna, you said that you were afraid of me breaking your heart. Well, I totally get that, because you own my heart, and you are the only person who has ever had the power to destroy me. I think, deep down, I always knew that, and that's why I kept you close but also kept you at arms length. Then, when you went missing…" He hesitated, swallowing down the still painful memory of those few days. "When you went missing, that's when I realised. I knew you were the love of my life and I almost lost you. From that point on, everything changed. I knew you were the one."
Donna exhaled a deep sigh, all nervousness gone and she smiled widely at him, wiping her cheek to remove the stray tears that had escaped her.
Harvey returned her smile tenfold before drawing his bottom lip between his teeth and giving her hands a gentle squeeze. "I have something for you."
"Oh?" she said with a curious frown.
"Wait here." He stood and walked away, disappearing into his bedroom. He was only gone a few minutes when he returned, holding a small rectangular gift box.
He flopped down next to her and looked at her shyly. "Here...open it," he said softly, holding the box out to her.
With an amused grin on her face, she took it from him and slowly pulled on the bow that was tied around the lid of the box. Lifting the lid, she pulled aside a layer of tissue paper to reveal a key. Harvey's key. The spare key to his condo.
Her eyes flashed up to him and he was staring at her nervously. He cleared his throat. "I know we are moving to Seattle in a few months, but we agreed to keep this condo and I want you to have your own key."
Donna rolled her lips between her teeth and she took a deep breath. "Thank you, Harvey," she whispered.
"I also got you a new fob. It's long overdue. I mean, especially now that I've finally remembered that your name isn't Debbie …"
She giggled at that and batted him away with her hand. She reached for the new keyfob, it was quite heavy, a plain silver pendant in the shape of an arch. She turned it over in her hand.
Her face froze.
There inscribed on the back of the fob were the words "Donna Roberta Paulsen, will you marry me?"
Donna gasped, her heart pounding, and her head lifted, her eyes flashing up to meet his. Her hand then immediately flew up to her mouth in shock to find that he had slipped off of the couch and down onto one knee, the most exquisite emerald and diamond engagement ring clutched between his thumb and forefinger. The only thing more breathtaking than the ring was the expression on his face. Love, adoration, and a definite note of nervousness. He'd never looked more adorable and she didn't think she'd ever loved him more.
"Oh my God!"
Harvey took her hand and swallowed heavily. "So...What do you say?" The timbre of his voice was deep and filled with emotion.
Donna was crying hard now, but her face was filled with joy. "I say yes, Harvey." She lunged forward and planted her lips on his. "Yes!"
His face broke out into the widest grin and he lifted her hand, gently sliding the ring on to her finger. He then circled his arms around her waist and pulled her into his embrace, kissing her softly and tenderly, both their faces wet with tears. As they broke for air, they rested their foreheads together and just gazed at one another. "I love you Donna, more than you could ever know."
"Oh, Harvey. I'm Donna, of course I know." She batted her eyelids at him and he chuckled. Then in one swift motion, he lifted her to her feet and then into his arms, causing her to yelp in surprise.
"What are you doing, Harvey?" she squealed.
"What does it look like I'm doing, I'm taking my fiance to bed."
She giggled at that, and as he carried her to his bedroom, she whispered in his ear, "I love you too, Harvey Reginald Specter. With all my heart."
A/N: That's it. I hope you enjoyed it and it was a satisfactory ending. Epilogue to follow soon xxx