Just Give Me A Reason

by enbycabbage

Garrus & Elle's journey together continues into ME2. They have a mountain of baggage between them, a painful past, and a galaxy to save. They each need to heal and forgive if they'll ever have a future. ***This is the third work in the series. You will miss things if you don't read the first two installments.*** Some canon, some not, but it's Bioware's sandbox!

21. Chapter 19 - Horizon

It's true that Garrus is living with me and he is (finally) my boyfriend. These things are common knowledge. It's also well known that he's favored as a member of my ground team. But Garrus is still a member of the team and the crew. And the best part of that: Garrus knows that and respects it. And that's how he's ended up on the night shift this week, after we take off from the Citadel.

It works like normal. Garrus joins me on the ground for the few missions Hackett or the Illusive Man asks us to handle, we have dinner together, and then he's on duty until what would be near dawn on a planet where they have dawn. It's a couple hours before I have to be up and available to my crew, so we get that time together. Most days we've just snuggled, Garrus falling asleep quickly. A couple days, we've talked for a bit. The only thing that's taken a hit is our sex life.

Garrus misses me, I can tell, and I'm aching for him by mid-way through the week. But I don't blame him for being tired by the time morning rolls around, and neither of us is willing to sacrifice him being on the ground with me. I'm not upset...I'm horny.

So before going to bed last night, knowing that it's Garrus's final night on the graveyard shift, I put on the sexiest thing I own. Granted it's not all that sexy; I had one piece of lingerie and Garrus ripped the panties in a need to get inside me on the first Normandy. I'm not complaining. But I do have a lacy pink tank top and a black lace thong. I also leave my hair down and then pass out, hoping Garrus will enjoy the surprise when he crawls into bed with me in the morning.

I wake up certain that it was a good surprise, Garrus naked at my back with his mouth on my shoulder and his hand groping me over the tank top. It takes a split second for me to get hot for him, and when I rock back against him, I find out that Garrus is just as hot.

"Is this for me?" he asks, running his hand down my front before snapping the string of my thong.

"It's been a long week. I thought we should celebrate."

"That's my girl." This time it's a growl and it sends heat surging into my core. "Kiss me." He pulls me to roll on my back but stays beside me, holding my jaw while meeting my mouth in hot, passionate kisses. He's not rushed even though I can feel the intensity of his arousal - in his erection and in the growl building in his chest. He is demanding, though, and it only takes one kiss for me to be certain that Garrus is very in charge this morning.

I melt, my heart pounding and my temperature soaring, and I reach for him. Garrus catches my wrist before I can touch him, though and presses it back down beside my head. He lets go and then breaks from the kiss, pulling back just enough to make me open my eyes. And then he shows me a ribbon...the one that was on my Christmas present.

"I'm going to tie your hands together, and then you're going to keep them above your head. Under the pillow."

The last time we did this, Garrus asked for my permission constantly. Not now. He's giving the orders since he's made it clear that I can say no. I remember that last time, back when we had a headboard he could tie me to. It was every bit as incredible as it was intense. Part of me is scared this time, too. But Garrus won't hurt me.

He returns to kissing me, pressing the ribbon into my hand and tangling our fingers. I hate that he's beside me so I can't arch into him, can't feel more of him, but I'll wait until he tells me what he wants. Garrus kisses my jaw and nudges my head aside, running his teeth down my exposed throat and nipping my collarbone. His tongue follows it, searing hot and rough and fantastic. His hand leaves mine, moving to my breasts and pulling the fabric down as his mouth joins it.

I arch my spine anyway when he bites down on my nipple, using his teeth to tug hard. It's a shockwave that triggers my biotics in a surge I feel rock through Garrus. "Shepard!" he growls, releasing me from his teeth but following it with his tongue. I'd be worried the shock hurt or deterred him except that he's still just as enthusiastic with teeth and tongue and fingers. And every single move gets me hotter and wetter and more desperate for him.

Another hard bite draws out another shock, and I can't help crying out. "I don't...don't wanna hurt you," I manage even while arching to press my breasts further into his mouth and hand. "Feels so good. Can't help the sparks."

"Don't hold back on me," he murmurs, leaning over me to take my other nipple between his teeth. "You won't hurt me, I trust you. And I want everything you have to give, baby."

"Oh, God. Take whatever you want, Garrus, please."

He moans deeply, pressing his hips against my thigh. He lifts his head and kisses me again, harder this time, while shifting onto his knees. "I want to taste you," he breathes. Just the words are hot enough to turn me on even harder. Then he takes the ribbon that I'd forgotten about and I hear myself whimper. "Good girl."

Garrus pulls both of my arms taut up over my head and ties my wrists together, tight enough that it's going to hurt if I try to break out - but it is just a ribbon, and I can break out. I know without doubt that's why Garrus chose this particular implement.

"Keep your arms over your head and under the pillows," he commands, ice blue gaze hard and hot. His cock is exactly the same, only a much darker blue. "If you listen, I'll let you cum as many times as you want. If you try to move, I'll forbid it. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. Please."

Garrus flashes a smile and grins, then slides down the bed at my side, and ducks under my thigh to get between my legs. He guides both my legs over his shoulders, his gaze trained on the thong and what it's hiding. "Damn, I love the way you look in lace, baby." He leans in and drags his tongue up my slit, over the fabric so that the texture of the lace and his tongue combine to send chills through me. "Mmm I love the way you taste, too."

I feel him pull the fabric aside and then nothing is between us, Garrus eager but still just as passionate and slow instead of rushed and wild. It serves only to make me even more wild, knowing that he's completely in control. And damn he's good with his mouth.

His long tongue, agile and textured, switches between long and slow licks, fucking me, and swirling around or flicking over my clit. He doesn't keep a rhythm, doesn't give me a chance to gather my wits. He just drives me higher and higher at a maddeningly slow, steady pace.

I barely recognize my own voice while I moan and cry and beg, my voice husky and raspy. Garrus is moaning almost as often, his mandibles fluttering against my thighs and the sounds vibrating through me adding to the sensory overload. "You wanna cum for me, Elle?"

"Yes!" I arch into him, putting my hands under my head so I'm not tempted to pull them down and ruin my chances of an orgasm - or as many orgasms as he'll give me. "Please, Garrus. Make me cum."

For the first time, he loses a little control and grips my thigh so hard, his talons sink in lightly. The pricks of pain send me spiraling, shattering all of my senses and awareness. I hear myself screaming, hear Garrus growling from between my legs, his tongue unrelenting until he's sure I'm coming back down from the climax. Garrus guides me down with soft licks and then gentle nips along the inside of my thigh.

"You're incredible," he breathes, crawling back up over my body and kissing me the whole way up. I thought he'd get between my legs, take me properly, but he continues higher and sits up when he's straddling my chest. He is massive and more than a little intimidating when I'm incapacitated. There's a moment when I lose my breath, fear threatening.

And then Garrus reaches down and tucks a curl behind my ear, his look every bit as fond as it is hot. "Still with me?" he asks softly.

"Always," I promise.

Garrus flashes a fantastic smile and then reaches beside us to grab another pillow. He folds it in half and pulls me to lean forward a little so he can tuck the pillow behind my head. It's not entirely ideal or comfortable but it's clearly what Garrus wants so I'm satisfied.

"Bend your knees behind me." I obey quickly, pressing my feet flat to the mattress. "You've lost your hands and I'm going to take your mouth. Lift one leg, make sure you can hit my back with your knee." My heart starts racing, clear now on what he wants, but I hold onto my senses enough to follow the instructions. It's easy, no strain on my legs or my hips. "That's your safe signal. Understand?"

"Yes." I drop my gaze to his cock, the head swollen and glistening, and quip, "And yes please."

Garrus laughs, shifting a little closer and resting his cock against my cheek. I jump a little when it smacks lightly but my mouth pops open on instinct. I love it. I want it again. He grins and takes a firm hold of his dick, slipping it into my mouth and then slowly thrusting his hips forward. He presses lightly against the back of my throat before pulling away again, but I want more.

I want to choke on him, swallow him, feel him fuck the back of my throat. And somehow, in that magical way he has, Garrus reads that need on me and delivers exactly what I want. He moves harder, faster, and then presses into the back of my throat. My eyes threaten to roll and I lose my breath, and when I gag, Garrus pulls back with a deep moan. "Fuck, baby," he growls. I can feel myself drooling and Garrus does it again, holding a little longer this time. "That's it, baby." He starts to fuck my mouth, a little shallower but faster and I do my best to work my lips and tongue with him. "Look up at me."

The moment that I do, I feel completely debased. I feel like the slut Garrus calls me, like the sex object he uses me as. I love it.

I feel sexy and sexual. Garrus has always had a talent for making me feel like a woman, not just a soldier the way everyone else in my life does. And not a hero, not someone with the burden of the universe on my shoulders. A woman - one that he wants and takes from.

Garrus presses in hard enough to make me gag once more, then twice, ripping out a fierce growl before I feel his hot seed erupt over my tongue and into my throat. I can't help moaning even while my eyes water and I have to swallow in a rush, my lungs being tested for air. But he pulls back before I have to tap out, almost panting for breath and his shoulders shuddering.

"So good, baby. So good," he murmurs, using his thumb to wipe the drool away.

I look him in the eye and tell him, "I love the way you taste, too. Surprisingly sweet. Perfect."

"Mmm anytime, my love." He throws me a wink and then shifts back just a little, his eyes dropping to my breasts, which he cups with his hands. He plays with my nipples and moans but I can see the wheels turning, and before I have to ask, Garrus reaches under the pillow and unties the ribbon. "Push them together for me, Shepard."

Well, this is new. I have no complaints or concerns though, so I obey him and press my breasts together around his cock. Garrus growls immediately and then loses his control for one, fucking my breasts with abandon, aided by his natural lubrication and spit. It doesn't matter that there's no direct sensation for me; he's unbelievably sexy like this. And even more, he clearly finds me sexy. Nothing could be hotter than making him fall apart for me.

I decide to push my luck and flip the script a little, watching his face for any reaction - good or bad. "I love you like this, sir. Wild."

"You're the only person who can get me wild, Shepard, the only one. Fuck, you drive me crazy."

"Go crazy for me," I whisper to him, and then I tilt my head down and lick the head of his dick. Garrus moans, dropping his head back in bliss, and I need more of that so I drop my chin again and catch the wide crest of his cock in my mouth when it comes within reach. I suck hard while he keeps thrusting, but then I jerk my head up in surprise when I feel his fingers between my legs.

Garrus is reaching back behind him, using impressive reach to slip a finger inside me, the angle letting him rub my clit too. He's more frantic than in a rhythm but I love him like this as much as I love him methodical and careful and cautious. I don't need him perfect, I just need him with me.

I'm certainly with him, Garrus manipulating me flawlessly, and I don't have to do much at all for him to enjoy my breasts apparently. I file that knowledge away for later, hoping I remember when I can't really think straight, his focus now entirely on my clit.

"Baby," he grunts, head falling forward again. "Gonna cum. Can I?"

"Just don't stop," I cry, thrusting my hips against his hand and barreling toward the same peak he is. "Cum wherever you want. Just...oh, Garrus, yes. Don't stop."

"Elle, baby...yes." He trails off in a moan, and I register the first burst of his orgasm hitting my jaw before my mind goes blank and we're both crying out. I beg him and don't even know what I'm begging for, bliss crashing over me in waves. When I finally come back down, Garrus is shifting backward to lay between my legs. He settles lightly on top of me and I reach for him this time, just as his forehead comes to rest against mine.

"That was new," I admit, unable to keep the smile from my face. My body is tingling.

"That was fucking hot," he growls in response, nuzzling me. He pulls away a little and runs his thumb over my cheekbone, and then my jaw. I don't know why until he shows me his hand, his own cum on his finger. After he took it off my face. Holy...

Before my inhibitions can get in the way, I catch his hand and pull it close, licking the cum off and letting him watch me swallow it. "Perfect," I repeat.

Garrus growls and kisses me hard and fast. "You have more in you? I wanna fuck you hard, baby."

"So much more, yes."

"Good girl. Roll over." He kisses me once more and then sits up to let me, and I obey him eagerly, getting up on my knees. Garrus leans past me and collects the ribbon. "I'm gonna tie your hands back here. Tell me if it's too tight; I don't know enough about human shoulders to guess."

"I'm flexible," I assure him, grinning over my shoulder.

"Don't I know it." He nips my ear and then straightens behind me, pressing down between my shoulders so that I rest my head on the pillow again, and then pulling my arms behind me. He ties my forearms together, pulling my shoulders back enough to arch my spine and push my breasts forward. It's not a position I'd choose but it's not bad, and when Garrus glides a hand up my spine with a growl, there's no way I'm going to ask for a change. "Feel okay?"

"Your cock will feel better."

He laughs. "You're full of spunk this morning, huh?" I jump when a firm slap lands on my ass, the sharp pain exactly like when his talons were in my thigh; the only way I can think of to describe the pain is sexy. "Be careful, my love. There are limits to how much I'll tolerate from that smart mouth of yours."

Another smack, this one making me moan, and then Garrus takes hold of my joined forearms, pulling me all the way up until my back is against him. I feel him lining his cock up with me and he presses his mouth to my ear. "I've missed you this week. I need to make sure you're sore enough to feel me all day."

And then he's inside me, filling me hard and fast - just like he promised. Garrus doesn't slow or stop or relent, tugging back on my arms and covering my throat with his other hand while his hips snap forward. The man doesn't rely on size alone, rolling and twisting his hips with every thrust. He reaches every inch of me, and he owns them all.

"How's that, baby?" he growls against my neck, hand squeezing my throat just hard enough that it's scary and teeth scoring just deep enough that it hurts. I don't have the mental capacity to do more than moan what I hope is his name but Garrus seems satisfied.

When his mouth hesitates on the curve where my neck and my shoulder meet, my heart stalls and the breath gets knocked out of me. Since we first talked about 'marking' after I heard it in the club, I've done a little research. And I know that spot is exactly where Garrus's mark will go...when he marks me.

I very consciously tilt my head, exposing myself further.

He falters just a tiny bit and gasps. "Oh, Shepard. I..." He drops his forehead onto my shoulder and shifts his hand from my throat to hold my waist. His thrusts slow significantly and he releases my hands, guiding me to lay down on my stomach underneath him. "Shepard."

The crack in his voice startles me, and I try to turn my head to look at him, but Garrus doesn't let me. He starts stroking inside me again, slower this time but still just as perfect. I relax; he's still with me. I'll keep him forever. "I love you, Garrus."

He whispers my name and his whole body quakes before he still deep inside me, spilling his seed. It's the most erotic orgasm I've ever felt him have; my mind spins knowing he got there because I love him and because he's thinking about marking me. Because he knows I'm thinking about having his mark on me.

If he wanted to do it right now, I'd say yes. There's part of me that's scared of that thought. This is so new, but...nothing could be more right than us.

Garrus pulls out slowly and rolls off of me, staying close and pulling me into his arms when I roll toward him. He brings our foreheads together, and I watch him close his eyes. He's been up for a long time, certainly just got active...I'm sure he's exhausted. And he's adorable when he's falling asleep.

I bring my hand to his face, gently tracing the blue tattoos across his cheek and down the side of his face, to his mandible. They're beautiful, the exact same shade of cobalt as his eyes. He moans softly and those eyes flutter open again. "That's one of the most intimate things you can do with a Turian, you know," he breathes. "For kids, only family can touch our face markings. For adults...only our mates."

"Oh, I - " I try to pull my hand away, embarrassed and ashamed for violating him because of my ignorance, but Garrus catches my wrist and presses my fingers down again.

"Last person to touch them was my mom, Shepard. But I want you to. You're the right person."

A knot forms in my throat, threatening to choke me, and I have to blink away the tears that form rapidly. "How do you always say the right thing?"

"Do I?" he laughs. "I feel like I'm blundering my way through most of the time. And I'm a lot more honest than most humans; I don't know if that's a good thing or not."

"It's a very good thing," I tell him, certain of that. I appreciate that Turians, as a culture, are intensely honest. It's not something they work at; their subtones means that the truth is always on display for anyone who can hear it. And because they're a people of immense honor, they have a long tradition of brutal honesty with races that can't hear it, so they're treated in the exact same way as Turians. Humans...humans lie.

Garrus yawns, the expression genuinely cute on someone who oozes sex appeal at all times. He smiles softly when I laugh at it, and his eyes start to close again, like they're too heavy for him to keep open.

I lean forward and kiss his forehead. "Sleep. I'll see you in a few hours."

He mumbles something but the only word I can understand is 'kid' so I don't push him on it and get out of bed slowly so I don't disturb him. I don't think much could wake him right now, though. Garrus this cute is too hard to resist and too rare, so I use my Omni-Tool to take a picture. I also remind myself to take many more pictures with and of him; I can't trust that forever will be as long as I'd like.

I take a quick shower, get dressed, and check my email at my desk. There's a very recent note from the Illusive Man; leaving Garrus in bed is hard enough anyway, but leaving for that guy is much worse. Still, it sounds urgent and that's such a big change from his normal "above it all" attitude, I head right for the comm room.

The moment I step onto the holo-plate, it registers me. The flow of orange lights up from my feet is a little too familiar to what happened with Project Overlord, and I need a few deep breaths to settle. I'm calm again before the Illusive Man appears in front of me, in a chair with his usual drink and cigarette. Behind him is an image of a planet with a beautiful atmosphere. I'm not sure he deserves such a nice view.

"Shepard, I think we have them!" he tells me, no preamble and no greeting. He sounds as excited as the tone of his email did.

I can't help sharing in that excitement if he means what I think he does. We have gotten no leads, heard nothing about the Collectors in weeks - not since Freedom's Progress. It's been frustrating the whole crew, me especially. The Collectors will take me right to the Reapers, and I owe them a life.

"Horizon, one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems, just went silent," the Illusive Man continues. "If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?

"Not yet," I answer. The Salarian would have told me if he were done. I hope I haven't distracted him too much, especially with putting him in charge of David's care. He never complained but...

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." The Illusive Man pauses to take a deep drag from his cigarette. I'd bet money the habit looks a lot better on Garrus.

"I'll have Joker set a course right away."

He nods. "There's something else you should know." He pauses for another drag. I wonder if the guy ever actually inhales fresh air. "One of your former crew is stationed on Horizon. Kaidan Alenko."

I blink, surprised. It's not what I expected to hear, not at all. I also didn't expect to really react when thinking about Kaidan ever again but...familiar faces are in short supply these days. "Last I knew, Kaidan was Alliance. Why is he out in the Terminus Systems?"

"Officially, it's an outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies," he replies. "But they're up to something. And if they sent Commander Alenko, it must be big."

Commander? Well. Kaidan got himself a promotion in the last two years. It's not surprising; he's always been a company man and a good soldier. I shake it off, focusing on the colony. Horizon needs our help.

"We should send a message to the Citadel," I suggest. "The Alliance can give us reinforcements."

"Not until you investigate." He answers so quickly that I know he was expecting that from me. "I don't want the Alliance getting in our way. Once you have the situation under control, I'll send the message personally."

I don't believe him, but I can always send the same message along just in case. I certainly won't rely on him. Nothing about this seems right. And it's not just my fearless terrorist boss I have concerns about.

"The Collectors just happen to pick a colony with one of my former crew?" I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head. "I don't buy it."

"It shouldn't be a surprise the Collectors are interested in you. Especially if they're working for the Reapers. They might be going after him to get to you."

The words aren't even out of his mouth before I know for certain that the Illusive Man has been expecting something like this. He may even have been watching Horizon and other places where my old teammates are stationed, anticipating a Collector attack. And instead of warning me or them, so they could be safe, Kaidan is in a colony that is or will be under attack very soon.

Arguing with the Illusive Man about his morals won't get me anywhere but further from Kaidan. "Send the coordinates."

"This is the most warning we've ever had, Shepard," he says, that excitement back in his voice. "Good luck."

I end the call and the hologram falls away, taking the Illusive Man with it. "Joker," I tell the room, expecting that he's been listening. "Set a course for Horizon. Please get Garrus up for me and tell Jack to gear up. I've got to go see the professor."

"Aye, aye Commander."

It's a short walk to the Tech Lab where Mordin lives and spends just about all of his time. The man is nothing if not a hard worker and considering the pressure Cerberus has put him under for this mission, that's a blessing. At the moment, he's standing in front of a big glass tank. I join him and look inside.

There's a rather large bug-like thing flying around. It's a Collector; I recognize it from the vids we saw on Freedom's Progress except smaller. And winged. I don't actually know if all Collectors have wings but I really hope the damn things can't fly.

This bug is flying erratically, almost pissed off, and slamming into the glass. Mordin is watching it closely.

"You've done a lot for the crew and for me, Mordin," I tell him. "I know I've kept you busy, and I appreciate you being able to multitask. But please...tell me you have something."

Mordin straightens and turns to me, stone-faced for just a moment. And then he smiles. "Yes."

---

I fell asleep to a beautiful woman, her body soft and warm and covered in lace she put on just for me. I wake up not even an hour later to Joker, singsonging my name over the comms. "Wakey-wakey, sunshine," he calls.

"No," I respond, pulling the pillow over my head. "Leave me alone."

"It's not me who needs you," he laughs. "There's a redhead on a mission - literally - who is calling for you."

Damn it. There's no way I can ignore that.

I move the pillow and sit up slowly. "What's going on?" I ask, rubbing my face.

"A human colony in the Terminus Systems - Horizon - went dark. The Illusive Man and Shepard think the Collectors are heading there."

I get up right away, looking for my pants until I remember I need a shower. Even if I'm just getting in armor, it's inappropriate to do it covered in both of our sweat and fluids. It's a mission, but I don't know if it's the mission Shepard and the Illusive Man think it is.

"Colonies in the Terminus Systems are open to hits from pirates and mercs," I remind Joker, heading for Shepard's bathroom. My bathroom. Certainly the nicest one I've ever had on a ship or apartment of my own. "What makes them think it's the Collectors?"

"Because the Collectors and Reapers seem to have a thing for hunting Shepard, and someone Shepard knows is on that colony. Commander Kaidan Alenko."

Something cold and heavy sinks into my gut at that name. Instantly, I'm assaulted by memories of Alenko and Shepard kissing in a room just like this one, just a few feet from where I'm standing now. She was leaning into it, holding his hand...she wanted it. At least then, she wanted him. Does she still?

The next memory that comes to mind of Alenko is the night before I left the Citadel for Omega, before I dumped my life to start over. I force it out of my mind. I need to not be pissed if I have to save the guy from Collectors, and I can't be distracted if Shepard needs me against an enemy like them. I thank Joker for the information and promise to be down for breakfast and briefing with Shepard in half an hour.

I want a chance to talk to Shepard before we get down there. Maybe just hearing from her that she's not interested in Alenko will help. Unless she's lying. I shake that off. Shepard doesn't lie to me. She's not a liar. Maybe I just need to hear her say that she loves me.

I shower, pull on my BDUs, and then gear up in my armor. I get the sheets off the bed and into the laundry chute as well since cumming all over Shepard isn't conducive to staying neat. Thinking about this morning will help me keep my head on around Alenko, too. But it might also cause an erection in my armor and that won't help anyone at all.

Shepard in the Mess Hall when I arrive, and she has perfectly prepared coffee and a breakfast tray ready for me. I kiss her quickly before sitting down. Jack is fiddling with a pistol so I assume she's coming with us; Shepard is going to need to get upstairs and get her armor on. I can follow her up and talk about Alenko then. We'll have a few minutes to spare before getting to Horizon.

"So, Collectors are down there?" Zaeed asks. "Maybe we should all go down, hit 'em full force." The look on his face suggests he doesn't give a crap about force against the Collectors; he just wants bloodshed.

Shepard shakes her head. "We don't know what's down there yet. The colony went dark. We only think the Collectors are a possibility because it's so similar to Freedom's Progress and the other colonies hit."

Only? I almost drop my coffee mug and have to make a significant effort to keep my cool. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

"That's the only reason?" I ask, looking up at her.

"Yeah. This could just as easily be pirates but we'll save the colony either way." She goes for a smile, but it's tight and doesn't reach her eye. And then Shepard tucks her hair behind her ear. I've never seen her do that before. Maybe that's because I've never seen her lie to my face before.

My stomach drops, taking my appetite with it. Shepard lied to me. And not about something small or silly. She lied about Kaidan Alenko.

I manage to hold out at the table until Shepard leaves to go get her armor on. I don't follow her. I'm not going to bring it up if she's not. I'm not going to give her another chance to lie to me.

I toss the rest of my breakfast and head to the Cargo Bay to gather my weapons and armor, as well as be near the shuttle when it's necessary. The elevator dings and before it opens, I know Joker and Jack followed me down here. Jack might have reason, but I know Joker is here just for me. Once again, Alenko has forced my shame to be a public affair.

"Hey, big guy, I...I didn't know she would..."

"Lie to me?" I finish, turning to look at him. Joker's face flushes and he looks away. I take a breath to calm a little. "You didn't do anything wrong. This isn't on you."

"So, what, this Alenko guy is her ex or something?"

My hands fist instantly, something in my chest threatening to snap.

"No," Joker answers for me, quickly and firmly. "He was a lieutenant on the last Normandy. He's had a thing for Shepard for forever, even before Garrus came on board."

A thing. He seemed so smitten with her and then couldn't give her an ounce of respect after she was dead. Asshole. I do notice that Joker didn't say that Alenko was part of our team on the last Normandy, just a lieutenant. He was at my apartment that night, he heard Alenko, too. At least someone here is on my side.

"Listen, I gotta get back up there and get us into orbit." Joker steps closer and plants his hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to look at him. "You good?"

"Yeah. Always." He narrows his eyes at me but doesn't call me out, just nods and walks away. I look to Jack. "Don't say a word to Shepard about this. She wants to keep it a secret...that's her business."

"I thought you two were real serious, though," she notes, hopping up on the tool bench where I'm quickly wiping down my weapons. They don't need it, but it soothes me. "If she's bringing her other boyfriend back on the ship or rushing in to rescue him...shouldn't you know?"

I can't help the growl that escapes me. "He is not her boyfriend. Don't."

"Wow! Sore spot, got it. Well." She shrugs and pulls out her pistol, a cannon of a gun. Definitely modified illegally. "If I shoot him in the face, I can always say it was an accident."

And now it's a laugh that I can't help. "I'll let you know if I need that. Thanks."

I'm especially glad she's managed to lighten my mood when the elevator dings again, and this time it's Shepard who is joining us. I need to hold my own reactions to her in check, though. Considering I'm having trouble even looking at her right now, that'll be a challenge.

She's never lied to me before. I don't abide liars...but it's not like I have a choice to leave Shepard. How much about us does this change?

"Joker, how long?"

"Ten minutes, Commander, but we have a problem," Joker responds, drawing me out of my own thoughts instantly. There's something much, much bigger than my bullshit or Shepard's past with Alenko going on here. "I'm getting a read on defense towers, but they're offline. Totally inactive. I'm also getting a read on something way bigger and much worse."

EDI chimes in, "I don't have anything to compare it to directly, but based on scans of Sovereign and geth ships, I believe that a Collector ship may be on the surface of Horizon."

"It's basically inside the colony, Shepard," Joker adds, his tone grim. I turn back to face her, strapping all my weapons to their appropriate places and running through an ammo count in my mind.

"Get us as close to the colony as you can, Joker, but I'd rather not land right on top of the Collector ship if we can avoid it," she orders. My heart thumps at the sight of a very familiar pistol in her hand. Something in me still wants it, still wants a clear way out. But the gun looks right with her, especially as she fits a heat sink into it. I never would have been able to use it in battle, the way a weapon like that deserves.

"There's a landing pad for the colony on the opposite side from the Collector ship. I'll get you down there."

Shepard confirms that she approves and then tucks the pistol on her belt, so I can force my eyes off it. She's already looking at me. I can see the concern in her eyes and don't know if it's about the pistol or about her lies. Either way, I don't want to deal with it. Pretending to be busy with my scope is almost always a good bet to get her to leave me alone. It works now, too.

We're not going to need the shuttle once we're down, so it's not a big deal for me to get in the back with Jack. I avoid Jack's gaze, too. All I need to focus on right now is a colony under attack by Collectors. We could lose them all if we don't do our jobs as best we can. My feelings about Alenko are irrelevant. The colonists are all that matters.

Horizon is a beautiful planet. If not for the location in the Terminus Systems, I could absolutely understand why humans choose to settle here. The location, however, speaks to human ego and bravado. They think themselves invincible. Or they think they can rely on their heros to save them.

And then when their heros die, their actual work gets dismissed and their images used for recruitment ads.

Joker lets us know that the Collector ship at the far end of the colony is surrounded by other shuttle zones and storage areas. It's hard to notice anything but the size of it though, the ship a total beast towering over the colony. There's an energy shield around it, similar to what Sovereign had, and it seems to be interacting with the colony's atmosphere somehow, the only clouds in an otherwise blue sky circling the top of the ship ominously.

The shuttle leaves us quickly, minimizing attention - we hope - and we easily find the path from the pad into the colony. Shepard pulls out her pistol, so Jack and I follow suit. We pass anti-aircraft missiles and defense towers but none of them are doing anything, just like Joker said.

"We're groundside," Shepard says via our comms to the Normandy. "Mordin, you're sure these armor upgrades will protect us from the seekers, right?"

I've seen him working on this idea. Basically, he fitted all of us with small shields that expand from our armor to protect us. It won't block bullets or biotics - designed only for the seeker swarms - but we can still use our regular shields effectively.

"Certainty impossible," Mordin answers in his pragmatic way. "But in limited numbers, should confuse detection. Make us invisible to swarms. In theory."

"In theory?" I echo, glancing around and looking for the bugs. "That sounds promising."

"Experimental technology," he answers. "Only test is contact with seeker swarms. Look forward to seeing if you survive."

Shepard chuckles softly. Knowing her, she considers it a challenge. And that's one of the things I like most about her.

We come across some colonists before long. They're completely frozen, most of them mid step or mid scream. The attack came out of nowhere. "I'm getting readings on a lot of movement through the colony," I tell Shepard, using my visor scans. "But it's clearly not the colonists."

"Collectors. Stay alert."

"What the hell is this?" Jack asks, a few feet away. She's looking down at what I know to be a husk, and the sight turns my stomach. If I never have to deal with these things again, it'll be way too soon. "Sort of looks humans. Is this one of the colonists?"

"No," I answer, shaking my head. "The Geth impaled their victims on giant spikes to turn them into husks but we haven't seen any Geth yet. The Collectors must have already had the husks. They want the colonists alive for something else."

Shepard is staring at the husk too, her face solemn. "These aren't the same creatures I fought on Eden Prime or the husks we saw two years ago. They're more advanced. Evolved."

I hate the look on her face. She's not scared, Shepard is almost never scared, but she is concerned. Sickened.

I cock my rifle and she looks up at me. "They still die when you shoot 'em."

Instantly, her gaze shifts and hardens - in the good way. Shepard is ready again. "This colony is under attack. Let's head out."

We reach a courtyard style area and don't get more than a few steps in before several Collectors, using small wings, fly into place. They each take cover and we do the same. Before either side can shoot, one of the Collectors appears to be struck by a bright light...except it's coming from inside the thing. It hovers, limbs flying out to the sides, and then the light explodes before the Collector gets dropped back to the ground.

When it straightens, I can see instantly that it's different. It's been changed, altered. But how and by what isn't clear.

"I am assuming direct control," the thing says, its voice loud and mechanical, rough like it's not really a thing made for speaking. "I am the Harbinger of your destruction."

"Oh, this thing is asking for it." Jack fires the first shot, a hit to its shields, and that starts the firefight.

We very quickly learn the difference between the altered Collector and the others. It has some sort of biotic power, hitting us with a forcefield that hurts. And combined with the weapons they all have that burn right through our shields, it makes them one hell of a force.

The fight is long and hard as we push our way through the colony, this Harbinger taking control of several Collectors along the way. No Geth show up but the Collectors brought husks with them to create more chaos.

A few feet beside me, Jack uses a shockwave of biotics to easily knock down several husks and even the Collectors. It throws them off enough that Shepard and I can finish them all off and give us some breathing room. The tiny human has some serious power behind her.

"Very nice," Shepard praises her with a quick nod.

"You could do the same, you know," Jack replies. "You're a biotic, Shepard. Use them."

I can see the interest in Shepard's eyes. When I consider it, I've never seen her use her biotics intentionally - only when I draw them out in bed. It's easy to understand why; she got exposed to eezo late and the Alliance recognized her other powers, focusing on her as a soldier and a leader. It was a good call on their part. But Shepard does have a power that she never uses and if it could benefit any of us or give her more protection...

"It can't hurt to give them a shot," I offer. It's enough to convince her and she nods, determination coming over her face. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted to see her in action. Shepard is a force.

And I quickly learn that her biotics are a force, too. Shepard sends out one hell of a blast on her first try, startling even herself.

"Damn, Shep!" Jack cheers.

"Impressive," I agree.

Shepard shakes her head, dropping behind cover and looking down at her hands like they're unfamiliar. "Too impressive," she replies while Jack and I keep up the fight. I keep one eye on Shepard, concerned about this reaction. She looks up at me, something near to fear in her eyes now. "I've used my biotics before. They weren't anything like this."

"You think they're stronger now?"

"By far," she answers with a nod.

I take a breath, trying to decide how we deal with this in the middle of a fight. "Okay. We know what changed for you. We'll talk to the source of it when we get back on the ship. For now...you don't have to use them." I shoot a husk in the face before looking back to her. "We're gonna kick their asses anyway."

She smirks at that and nods, her confidence coming back. She does keep using them though, sporadically, almost testing them. She's going to need a lot of training if she's going to keep using them. I'll have strong opinions about who trains her...especially if Alenko joins the team again.

Now isn't the time. I keep my head in the game, finally figuring out the best way to use my tech talents to mess with the Collector's ability to communicate with each other. It makes their movements a lot more chaotic, and slows Harbinger down. And blowing up the various explosives crates I can find around the colony helps slow down the husks.

Jack starts tossing Shepard tips, advice for her biotics. She does it without losing focus and without any of her usual snark. She just...does it. Naturally. I never would have assumed this one would have leadership potential but it's pretty obvious, and I can see Shepard coming to the same conclusion. Jack certainly couldn't find a better trainer for herself in that case.

We all get a little more somber when we come across pods and find humans inside them. They aren't immediately easy to open but since the humans within are frozen, we don't make that a priority. These are familiar though from what I saw of Freedom's Progress vids. The collectors were going to use these pods to get the colonists off world.

And there are far too few pods and frozen humans. They've loaded most of the colony onto that ship already. That means we're going to need a way to take that thing down.

We reach the end of the colony where our only way forward is a huge set of locked doors. The hack is complex so I take over for Shepard and work through it. Fortunately she doesn't seem insulted by that. I wonder if Alenko could get in.

Knock it off, Vakarian.

We get through and find the building is more just a lobby, a separation between the residential part of the colony and the cargo area. There's some equipment and a few steps before another set of doors, but no security.

"Company," Shepard warns, turning and aiming her gun toward the far end of the room. Jack and I follow suit. "Get out here. Now."

A human wearing a hat and a uniform peeks his head out cautiously. Shepard exhales hard and lowers her weapons; I don't until she signals for me to do so. And then the man appears.

"You're human," he states. I make a sound and Jack flashes me a smirk. "What are you doing out here?"

"I cleared a path," Shepard responds, her voice hard. I know why; this guy has been hiding in here alone while the rest of the colony was frozen, put in pods, and collected. Shepard does not take kindly to cowards.

I wonder how she'd feel about Alenko's cowardice the moment the Alliance changed the party line.

"You're lucky you're not in the hold of a Collector ship right now," Shepard tells him.

"Those things are Collectors?" He turns away and starts pacing, the name striking fear. "You mean...they're real? I thought they were just made up. You know, propaganda to keep us in Alliance space." He spins back toward us, emotional and panicking now. "Oh, they took, Lillith! Stan, too! They got damn near everybody!"

"We need to know what we're up against to get them back," Shepard says, stepping a little closer. "Tell me everything you remember."

The guy takes a moment to collect himself. "We lost our comm signals a few hours ago. I came down to check on the main grid. Then I heard screaming." Another breath. "I looked outside and there were swarms of bugs. Everyone they touched just...froze. I sealed the doors."

Jack scoffs, also not a fan of cowards, and the guy glances at her before he starts yelling and throws his hands up. "Damn it, it's the Alliance's fault! They stationed that Commander Alenko here and built those defense towers. It made us a target."

At the mention of his name, my visor registers Shepard's heart skipping a beat and she glances toward me. It's like a smack to the face.

She didn't just lie. She was hoping I'd never find out he was down here. And now it feels impossible to believe Shepard doesn't have something to hide when it comes to Alenko.

Shepard recovers though and pretends it never happened. "Tell me more about this Alliance rep."

Of course she wants to know more about him. The bitterness feels hot and sharp in my throat, and I do my best to swallow it down.

"Commander Alenko?" The human scoffs. "Heard he was some kind of hero or something."

I can't hold back the laugh that escapes me, coming out like a harsh bark. Shepard turns to look at me, her eyes wide. I narrow mine at her, daring her to challenge me.

The human scoffs again. "Doesn't mean nothing to me. I'd rather he stayed back in Council space."

"Any idea what he was doing on Horizon?" Shepard presses. I get the feeling she's onto something, that she's suspicious about something, but I can't wrap my head around it at the moment. All I hear is Shepard heading toward a reunion with Alenko and my own pathetic inability to handle that.

"He was supposed to be helping us get the defense towers up and running," the guy answers. "I get the feeling he was here for something else, though. Spying on us, maybe."

Shepard cocks her head a little at that, maybe considering the conspiracy theory. That's odd. But we don't have time for it.

"Tell me about the colony defense towers," I interject, crossing my arms. Part of me wants this human to be a xenophobe; I could use an excuse to hit someone.

"A gift from the Alliance," he answers, about as bitter as I feel. "High powered Guardian lasers. Supposed to keep hostile ships from landing near the colony. Had to build a massive underground generator just to give it enough juice. Only we couldn't get the targeting systems online so the Alliance gave us a giant gun that couldn't shoot straight! Stupid sons of bitches."

"Why do you think this is the Alliance's fault?" Shepard asks.

He shakes his head, back to pacing. "We're just a small colony. Nobody bothered us before we started building those damn defense towers and drew attention to ourselves. I left Council space to get away from the Alliance. Nothing good ever comes from getting mixed up with them."

"Hard to argue with that," I chime in, pretty well beyond caring if Shepard dislikes my attitude. If she didn't want that, she shouldn't have chosen to lie to me today. Spirits, we were just talking about honesty this morning. And it was an amazing morning. And now... She tenses but says nothing, focused on the human.

"The Collectors are targeting remote colonies. The Alliance was trying to help," she explains.

"I don't need their help," he snaps. "Too many strings attached."

I don't want to hear more. "If you have defenses, we can use them against the Collector ship."

The humans shakes his head at me. "You'd need to calibrate the targeting system first. It's never worked right."

"Yeah, well, now instead of an incompetent dick, you have me."

"Garrus," Shepard murmurs, still not looking at me.

"I just need the location," I tell the human, ignoring her.

He points toward the doors behind him, our way out. "Head for the main transmitter. It's pretty hard to miss. The targeting controls are at the base."

I nod and head that way, not waiting for Shepard or her command. "It's probably just better if you stay out of the way."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too," he replies. "I'll let you out, but I'm locking the door behind you. Good luck. I think you're gonna need it."

Shepard and Jack follow me out of the building. "Normandy, do you copy?" Shepard calls on her comms.

"Joker here. Signal's weak, Commander. But I've got you."

She steps beside me and checks the heat sink on her pistol. "Time to show these things we can give as good as we can get." She nods at me, giving me permission I don't care to ask for right now. Good Turian I am not.

"EDI, bring the defense towers online," I order.

"You should have no trouble correcting errors in calibration software," EDI replies, "but it will take time to bring the towers to full power. I recommend a defensive posture. I will not be able to mask the increased generator output."

"The Collectors will try to stop us." Jack grins. "Good."

"We'll stop them," Shepard agrees. "Easy enough."

"Maybe not," EDI says. "Enemy reinforcements closing in. I suggest you ready weapons."

I cock my rifle, more than ready. Shedding a little blood - or whatever the Collectors ooze when they die - might help me relax. I'll just pretend they're Commander Kaidan Alenko.

---

The battle to hold the defense towers so that Garrus and EDI can get them calibrated is one of the hardest we've ever had. The Collectors have this massive Proterian thing that has incredible shields which regenerate often and a deadly beam of pure energy. I brought one of the prototype weapons from Cerberus on a whim but it ends up being our only way to hit the damn thing.

The fight might not actually be so hard if it wasn't for me stepping in it big time today. I can't explain, even to myself, why I chose to keep the fact that Kaidan would be on Horizon from Garrus. And I definitely can't explain why I lied to him. But now I feel terrible about it and of course he knows - he may even have known before we touched down if I think about it - so he's pissed. I'd normally be annoyed by his bad attitude but in this case...I deserve it.

I hate that it's throwing off our normal rhythm, though. Garrus and I are usually flawless in the field. I don't have to tell him what I'm thinking, he just knows, and I can rely on him being wherever I need him. But today...it's not right. And considering the size and power of our enemy, this is about the worst day possible for us to be off.

And of course while we're trying to manage the beast, we still have regular Collectors and hoards of husks. All while Garrus has to run back and forth from the terminals to help connect with EDI and keep that connection established. No matter how hard the two of them try, it takes a hell of a lot longer than I'd like to get the towers online, armed, and ready.

It finally happens only moments after we finally get the Proterian down, and then immediately the towers start to fire on the Collector ship. It feels like a victory for barely a moment. And then the ship starts to take off. We're helpless to stop it, the ship blasting off like a rocket.

"No!" someone screams. The same guy from the warehouse comes running out into the field, holding his arms up like he could stop the ship if he could catch it. "Don't let them get away.

"That ship is huge!" Jack scoffs. "Exactly how are we supposed to catch it?"

"Half the colony is in there!" He starts frantically panting like it can help. "They took Ian and Sam and-and Lillith! Do something!"

I'm really not in the mood for this bullshit today. "I did my best. You hid in your damn bunker."

"Show some respect," Garrus chimes in, barely containing his growl. At least he's still on my side. "If it wasn't for Shepard, you'd all be on that ship."

The guy stops walking, turning to gawk at us. "Wait...Shepard? I know that name." He snaps his fingers and I watch the lightbulb turn on. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard."

The voice is familiar even before Kaidan appears, sauntering out from the other end of the field. I hate that I recognize his voice. I hate that it's good to see him too, all things considered.

"Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, N7, Savior of the Citadel." He turns to the guy from the warehouse and says, "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." Then Kaidan looks me right in the eye and adds, "And a ghost."

"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind." Delan shakes his head slowly at Kaidan, disgust barely contained. "Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." He throws up his hands and walks off.

I only see it out of the corner of my eye. I haven't taken my eyes off Kaidan since he emerged. There's something different about him, in a good way. But I can't stop staring at him because...well, because it is like seeing ghosts, seeing the people I knew before I died. The people who would know if I'm different now, if whatever Cerberus did changed me.

Kaidan doesn't watch Delan go, and then he starts walking toward me. He stops a couple feet away and the tension is so thick I can feel it on my skin. I know he's about to do something but I don't know what, and I can't explain why it makes me feel nervous. Like, that sick to my stomach nervous.

I'm relieved when all he does is come in for a hug.

And it's kind of nice. It's familiar, comfortable. I had an entire group of people that I was comfortable with, that I spent a year getting to know and getting close to. That was ripped away pretty suddenly, and then I got shoved into a world where Tali won't work with me and Kaidan called me a ghost. I mean, I'd trade everyone in the galaxy for Garrus but...it's not like I chose to leave that life behind.

Kaidan is holding me safely so I don't feel a need to reject it, and I rest my chin on his shoulder for a moment. "I thought you were dead, Shepard," he murmurs. "We all did."

He releases me and I part, taking a small step backward when he sort of almost reaches for my hips. I'm not sure if he was going to do it but...comfortable or not, I don't want that.

I take a breath and give him a smile. The last thing I want is a confrontation the first time I see him. Especially after Freedom's Progress.

"It's been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Kaidan pulls a face like I just smacked him and scoffs. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened. I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real."
I can see it coming before it happens and I try to cut it off. Too late.

"I loved you," he blurts out.

Now it feels like I've been smacked. Loved me? God. Now I remember what it was about Kaidan that always frustrated me so much.

A growl that rips out from behind me makes the whole thing much worse. Garrus just heard someone else tell me that he loves me. My blood runs cold and all of a sudden comfortable is the very last word I'd use to describe this moment.

"Who the fuck is this guy?" Jack mutters softly. Garrus doesn't answer her. And Kaidan apparently isn't done.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart," he continues, shaking his head. I swear his eyes are getting wet. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Okay, well that hits home. I've been left alone, wondering if people I cared about would ever come back. I know I abandoned Garrus, but I didn't realize the rest of the crew might feel the same way.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed." I shake my head, trying to find the words to talk about this with Kaidan that won't give him the wrong impression. "You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

"I did move on." Oh, thank God. But then his face falls. "At least I thought I did." Crap. "But then we got reports about you and Cerberus."

"Reports?" Garrus chimes in. I want to look at him but...I can't. Not now. "So you did know she was back. And you didn't reach out."

Kaidan shakes his head before I can even think on that. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonists. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me but there were rumors that you weren't dead, but you were working for the enemy." He looks past me at Garrus and his face hardens. "Of course you managed to find Garrus."

"Wow. Bitter much?" Jack snorts. I can't let petty bullshit distract me.

"So you know our colonies are disappearing," I press. "The Alliance turned its back on them. And on me! Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it."

Kaidan steps back into my space, and this time I don't move. I know enough about guys like Kaidan to know how he'll take that. I submit to exactly one guy and it certainly isn't a show of weakness.

"You can't really believe that. We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of," he says, voice rising in pitch like he's urging me. "I wanted to believe the rumors you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in." He shakes his head and takes a step back. "You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

Garrus' growl this time is a distinct warning, and I feel him step closer. It gets Kaidan to take an even bigger step back than before.

"Kaidan, you know me," I remind him. "You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."

"I want to believe you, Shepard," he breathes. "But I don't trust Cerberus."

"Sounds like you don't much trust Shepard either," Jack chimes in, directly over my other shoulder. She has a point.

"They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you," Kaidan snaps. "What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan," Garrus growls. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat. You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts."

Kaidan looks up at Garrus, eyes hard. "Or maybe you're letting the way you feel about Shepard get in the way of your reasoning."

"I'm fine with that," Garrus replies, giving a low and deady laugh. He comes around me, stepping right up against Kaidan even after Kaidan tries to step back. "She deserves at least one of us being loyal to her. And it's never been you."

"Hey, I know where my loyalties lie!" Kaidan shouts. I startle when he actually shoves Garrus's shoulder. There's a split second where I could intervene but I don't react quickly enough, and then Kaidan is on his ass with a Turian standing over him.

"Mine lie with Shepard," Garrus snarls at him. "Take yours somewhere else."

Garrus steps back to stand beside me, letting Kaidan up off the ground. I want to reach for Garrus but I refrain; it's only going to make things worse for everyone at the moment.

"I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be," Kaidan tells us. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide whether they believe your story or not."

He turns and starts walking away, and in an instant it feels like Freedom's Progress all over again - another member of my team refusing to work with me. Refusing to trust me. It hurts just as much this time.

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan." The words tumble out of my mouth like vomit.

"Shepard!" Garrus turns to look at me but I don't meet his eyes. I can't. And then he turns and walks away, too. Kaidan walking away hurt but Garrus doing it...the pain is breathtaking.

"I'll never work for Cerberus," Kaidan answers over his shoulder. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."

He's gone. Garrus isn't at my side. How do I always manage to screw up this badly?

"Joker, send a shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."

Garrus disappears the moment we're back on the ship. Jack follows him after giving me a dark look, and I don't try to stop her or try to find out where they're going. If he needs space, I can't really blame him. And maybe I don't hate having a little of it myself right now. My head doesn't exactly feel like it's screwed on straight after all that.

When it was just Tali, I could pretend it was a fluke. She looked at me like she wasn't sure she recognized me anymore. The scars have healed a little but I still look the way I did on Freedom's Progress, and it's still not the way I used to look. Kaidan didn't recognize me either. He called me a ghost and looked at me like he barely knew who I was, and then just like Tali, he refused to join my team.

What if I am different? What if Kaidan was right and I'm not seeing straight, if I've changed? Garrus doesn't think so but would Garrus see the truth? I mean, he certainly doesn't hold me on a professional pedestal which I appreciate immensely but he does adore me. He's unwaveringly loyal to me. As much as I love that about him...does it keep him from seeing the truth about me?

It doesn't help me that all of sudden, my biotics are completely amped up. I could never before call forth as much power as I did today. It didn't even feel like those powers belonged to me until Jack gave me a few tips to manage it better. Even still it's...too weird for me to ignore. Something is wrong.

The only person I know who could give me answers about what that might be is Miranda, but the idea of asking these questions makes me feel sick. I want to ask Garrus to be with me for the conversation, to help me get through it. But I can't put that burden on him right now. I just forced the guy to watch Kaidan profess his love for me after lying to him by hiding Kaidan's presence; it doesn't seem like the right time to tell him that I need him. Besides, I'm a big girl.

So I pull on my big girl pants - which for me, means staying in my armor - and head for Miranda's office. She's sitting behind the desk when I walk in and doesn't look up. She almost never does. I guess being perfect comes with being excessively arrogant.

"Commander," she greets me, still not looking up. "I was just going to message you and Garrus for ground reports from Horizon. I assume that asking Jack for her report will be useless."

"Jack was exceptional on the ground today," I inform her, standing behind one of the chairs on this side of her desk and holding the back of it. I can't sit, not when I'm worked up this way. "She's very impressive. I'm going to start coaching her leadership skills as well."

That gets Miranda to look up at me but she manages to school her features and she knows better than to say anything. "Did you want to give me your report now or...?"

"No, I need to talk to you before I do that. Miranda...I'm a biotic," I begin, trying to keep myself calm. "You know this, and we've talked about why I don't use and definitely don't rely on those skills."

This time, she fails to hold her poker face. Miranda sits up and back in her chair, folding her hands in her chair. My stomach plummets, and I have to swallow to keep from throwing up.

"Miranda, what did you do?"

She looks away for a moment, takes a deep breath, and then looks back up at me. My hands are shaking. "We had opportunities during Project Lazarus to make...enhancements. We wanted you as close to the original as possible, and in all important regards - personality, morals, ethics, thoughts - you are exactly the same."

"There's a but coming, Miranda, just spit it out."

"But...we were bringing you back to fight a battle that only you are capable of leading and winning," she continues. "We needed to give you every possible edge, and your biotics are a potential edge that you have not capitalized on. We made enhancements to your existing skills."

I see red for an instant. I want to explode on her; it's a genuine issue for me that I still have my pistol on my hips for a moment until I manage to close my eyes and catch my breath. "You had no right."

"Commander, you are better at - "

"Miranda, I got no choice in any of this," I snap at her, losing my cool a little more by the second. "You have like stacks of folders on my personal history. Can you maybe see why having the choice in what happens to my body is important for me?"

She opens her mouth to just spit something back at me but I watch her falter and then shut up. There's a long pause before she admits, "I didn't consider it. We had a singular focus and...I can see now that is an issue. I am sorry."

I can see she's sincere and that apology knocks the angry wind out of my sails. I'm grateful for it. The last thing I want to believe is that Miranda - a member of my team and my XO and the one person I need to trust to have a stable connection with Cerberus - has ever had negative intentions with me. Especially when she was responsible for rebuilding me.

But thinking about that rebuild brings up another question I'm not sure I want answered.

"How did you make those enhancements?" I ask. She looks at me blankly for a moment. "What did you do to change my biotics? I think if they could just be tweaked or turned up, more people would do it. So how did you do it?"

Miranda stands slowly, taking another deep breath. This one is shaky and it shakes me up, too. "Shepard, maybe there are some things you don't want to know. And maybe you don't need to."

"Don't you dare, Miranda. You violated me and I'm willing to forgive you, but I want to know how you did this."

If she takes one more deep breath, I'm going to punch her in the face.

"We used cutting edge technology and surgical techniques of the sort that are not available or approved on standards markets," she explains, speaking faster than normal. That has to be a tell with her, the woman who is always so damn composed. There's something she's not saying and we both know it, so I just wait. It only takes a moment before she caves. "Reaper tech."

It's about the last thing I expected her to say and it feels like it knocks the floor right out from under me. "What...what, uh, what does that even mean? I have a piece of a Reaper inside me?"

"It was a choice we made after extensive research, and I assure you it was the only way that we could manage the adaptations needed safely," she presses, putting her hands up like she's expecting the attack I'm very seriously considering. I should show her first hand what the enhancements she forced on me did.

"You put a piece of the thing that killed me inside me." My voice doesn't feel like my own. It's almost an out of body experience. "You used the enemy of the entire galaxy and the thing that I'm back to fight against in the first place to rebuild me. I'm...I am part Reaper."

"Shepard, no," she responds quickly, shaking her head adamantly. "That is not at all - "

I turn on my heel and march out of the room, unwilling and unable to safely look at her for another second. Cybernetics and Reaper tech are the only reason I'm alive. How much of me is even human anymore?

"EDI, where is Garrus?" I demand. nearly falling against the wall. The room is spinning and I can feel bile creeping hot up my throat. I don't hear the answer and I'm only vaguely aware of someone calling my name while I rush for the bathroom. I just barely make it to a toilet before my body tries to expel it all. I heave so hard it takes my breath away, and my heart is pounding too rapidly for me to catch it again. Suffocating, again.

"Shepard?" I hear Garrus call. There's a split second before he's right behind me, one hand on my back and the other hand gathering my ponytail and loose hairs to pull up off my neck and out of the way. The cool air over my skin instantly brings some relief, but his presence is a massive balm. "You're okay, just breathe for me, baby."

I feel another wave and try to push him back, wishing he couldn't see this, but Garrus doesn't budge. He slowly rubs my back while my body finally settles. Or at least the vomiting does. I can feel tears pouring down my cheeks and dripping off my chin, sweat on my forehead, my stomach in knots, my hands shaking. I wonder if it's possible to just throw up all the Reaper tech inside me.

"They put Reaper tech inside me," I admit, my voice hoarse and harsh. "I'm not even human."

"Yeah, well, being human is overrated."

Despite the pain, a laugh escapes me. I almost resent him for making me laugh right now, but it eases most of the tension anyway. I let myself fall backward off my knees, knowing that Garrus will catch me. He's right there, guiding me gently onto his lap and then shifting me to rest my head on his shoulder and curve against him around his carapace while he sits with his back against the wall. On the bathroom floor.

"I'm sorry." I try again to push away from and this time, Garrus lets me sit up a little. "You shouldn't be...this isn't..."

"Stop." When I resist, his tone changes completely. "Shepard, stop." It's the tone I can't resist, the one he's trained me to respond to. An order. I fall back against him when he tugs and Garrus continues rubbing my back. "Are you still nauseous?"

"A little. I think I'll be nauseous as long as I know there's a Reaper inside me." I look up at him and ask, "How did you know I was here?"

"Kelly and EDI called me at the exact same time," he answers. "I came out of the Main Battery and Miranda was on her way to get me. She explained."

"She told you what she put inside me? She told you what I am?"

Garrus doesn't answer me, instead pushing me cautiously off his lap and then helping me to my feet. He leads me out of the stall and to the sink where he guides me to wait. "You are not a Reaper or any sort of other machine," he tells me.

I scoff and lean against the sink while he grabs a paper towel, wetting it with cool water. "I'm full of cybernetics and Reaper tech. Actual Reaper tech, Garrus." He steps back in front of me, gently wiping my forehead with the paper towel. It feels incredible, but I still feel like shit. I look up, watching his impossibly blue eyes for any sign that he's concerned. "Do you remember the way Saren looked at the end? What if I look like that underneath?"

"Um, you could just keep your skin on, Shepard. That seems best for everyone." I laugh but roll my eyes at him and feel another tear slip down my cheek. Garrus wipes it away and meets my gaze. "Kid, you're not Saren and you're not a Reaper. You're just as human as you were two years ago." He shakes his head, throwing out the paper towel. "Honestly, even if they'd needed to give you full Geth limbs, I wouldn't care as long as it brought you back."

"Please if my legs were Geth, you wouldn't be nearly as obsessed with them."

"Well, I might get more work done so maybe that's not the worst thing." He flashes a smile and I can't help laughing with him. Gratitude swells in me and I reach for him, leaning into his chest and hugging him tight. I feel his mouth press against the top of my head as his strong, steady arms wrap around me. "What can I do?"

I shake my head and wince, guilt slicing into me. "You shouldn't even be here. I didn't tell you before I went to Miranda because...I messed up today."

"So?"

I frown and have to look up at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, so what? Yeah, Shepard, you screwed up. Big time. You lied right to my face and we need to deal with that." He tucks my hair behind my ear and tugs gently on the lobe before dropping his hand down to my and tangling our fingers. "But that has nothing to do with this. I'm always going to be here for you, Elle. My love isn't conditional on whether or not one of us is angry or we're arguing."

"Thank God it also isn't conditional on whether you've seen me vomiting," I quip around the lump in my throat. Garrus rolls his eyes but smiles at me. "I don't know how to deal with this, Garrus. It was bad enough when I just thought Tali and Kaidan saw the difference in me, that they knew I wasn't right but...now I know they're right."

"Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. What about Tali?"

"On Freedom's Progress, she...she barely recognized me. And then she wouldn't work with me. I mean, she said she had her own mission but..." I shake my head and swallow, hoping I don't cry again. "Then it was the same with Kaidan. You heard what he said."

"I heard that disloyal little asshole blame you for carrying a burden the Alliance is unwilling to," he snaps back at me. "Fucking Alenko," he growls.

His anger is startling; I thought he'd be mad at me, sure, but this is different.

"Shepard, do you know that he showed up at my apartment on the Citadel two years ago and told me that he couldn't support me in convincing the Council to continue the battle against the Reapers because he wasn't sure you were right? He actually suggested that maybe the Council had a point, that maybe you were indoctrinated or exhausted or...whatever shit they were spewing. And this, this is the guy that you're going to let make you feel inhuman?"

All I can do for a moment is blink at him. "I...I had no idea. You never told me that."

"Yeah, well." He exhales a harsh breath. "I wanted you to make your own decisions about him. If you...feel something for him, I didn't...want to affect it."

"Garrus...the most I've ever felt for Kaidan was barely a crush when we first met. And then two weeks after I met him, I met you and no other guy in the galaxy could ever compare again. I mean, your dick is - "

"Okay, come here." Before I can laugh, Garrus yanks me into a huge hug. I can feel his need in it, and I need it just as much, so I wrap my arms around his neck and let him bury his face in my throat.
"I don't care if you're attracted to him," he murmurs. "I wouldn't even care if you wanted to fuck him. But tell me you don't love him."

I tighten my hold on him. "I don't love him. You're the only one I've ever loved. And Kaidan definitely doesn't love me. That's not love."

"This is," he whispers, dropping his hand to my lower back to pull me more firmly up against him. Garrus nuzzles his face in even closer, almost pulling me up off my feet. "Why did you lie?"

"I...was scared that he would react kind of exactly the way he did. And I didn't know how to talk about that." I pull him to look at me and hold his face between my hands, careful on the bandaged side. "Garrus, I am so sorry. There's no good excuse. You're so honest and so good to me and I just...I never should have lied to you. It won't happen again."

Garrus flashes a grin. It would surprise me anyway, even if I wasn't expecting him to be serious or concerned. But it's even more surprising because I recognize that specific grin and I know exactly what it means. "Oh, I know. I'll make sure of that." Before I can question it, he steps back and catches my hands. "Now, if you don't mind, I've had less than an hour of sleep and need to go to bed. Come take a nap with me."

"I honestly can't remember the last time I took a nap when I wasn't sick or injured," I admit, already letting him pull me out of the bathroom and into the elevator with him.

"Yeah, well, I can't remember the last time someone almost threw up on my boots so, let's go. I know you're dying to get out of your armor."

"God, you know me so well."

Twenty minutes later, I'm wrapped up in bed with Garrus and quickly falling asleep. He's warm and steady, a constant force. And he's not leaving me. His love isn't conditional and that's...so much more than anything I could ask for.

"Sleep now," Garrus breathes, resting his forehead against mine. "I'll make you feel human when we wake up."

"I have no idea what that means...but I can't wait to find out."

---

I wake up slowly, a little groggy and a lot comfortable. I'm not a big nap person so it's not surprising this threw me off. It helps that the woman sleeping beside me is incredibly soft and warm.

Shepard is stretched out on her stomach, halfway underneath me. Her hair is sprawled out over the pillow and her skin is a little flushed. She is stunning.

It's nice to see her so peaceful now too after everything that happened in the bathroom and on Horizon. She took a couple huge blows today. I never realized how she felt about Tali not being here, and I can easily see how Kaidan felt like a personal hit. And then what Cerberus did, what Miranda chose to do without telling her...Spirits.

Miranda said that Shepard and I had the same reaction when I demanded to know how she could be so stupid as to think violating someone with Shepard's history without her consent was even close to a good idea. It didn't surprise me to see Shepard losing it in the bathroom even if it broke my heart. She feels violated and taken advantage of in ways I can't begin to imagine, especially considering they put the thing that killed her - a piece of the things that are trying to destroy our galaxy and all of us - inside her.

I have no concerns that Shepard was indoctrinated before or that she's somehow less than human now. I know her, my instincts know her. She's my bondmate; I could never be fooled by an imitation of the woman who is the other piece of my soul.

Now I have to convince Shepard. I have to ground her, relieve this burden and this pain for her. Shepard is strong enough to manage it on her own, but it's my honor to make sure she doesn't have to. I press my best approximation of a kiss to the back of her shoulder, to the N7 tattoo that survived her death, and then get out of bed very slowly and very carefully. I'm instantly chilled so I grab a pair of my sweats and a shirt; if I get back in bed ice cold, I'll ruin the mood I'd like to set for both of us.

I find what I want in my bag, which I keep folded up in the bottom of one of the drawers that Shepard emptied and gave to me. Moving in here was surprisingly easy considering how little each of us has; I can't even fill the two drawers that are now mine. But I do have enough space for important things.

After stopping by the table on my side of the bed, I get rid of the clothes and crawl back in bed with my sexy little woman. This time I don't touch her, not yet, instead slowly slipping the blanket off her. Warm-blooded, she'll be just fine for a couple minutes in the room she keeps warm enough for my comfort. And the view of all this soft skin is just too hard to resist.

Shepard doesn't like her scars. She'll probably like them even less now, considering the orange glow from cybernetics is always what she hates most about the marks. I hate the visual reminder that I lost her, but they do nothing to change how gorgeous she is. I hate knowing how badly she was hurt, but I think it's an incredible show of her strength. A map of what she's been through all over her body.

I start at a scar low on her ribs and run my tongue over it slowly. Her skin has a sweet taste I love and then when she starts to sweat, it gets a salty undercurrent I swear I've become addicted to. Someone should give me a medal for not licking her every time we're in battle. Which reminds me that I need to create an opportunity to fuck her in our battle armor.

I'm going to get hard even faster than I intended if I keep up those thoughts, but I keep my focus on her body and make a slow trail up her spine. Every inch of her is sensitive so I'm not surprised when she starts to stir after a couple gentle licks. I nip lightly and she's awake in an instant. And lucky me, she's hot in that same moment, whispering my name and lifting her hips. The scent of her arousal hits me, that cinnamony essence becoming musky and even more attractive.

I lick a hot line between her shoulder blades and up to her nape, then nip my way across her shoulder. "Please tell me you at least slept for a couple hours before waking up with a hard on."

"I don't have a hard on yet." I gather her hair, pulling it to one side, and then lean over her back to whisper in her ear. "You're gonna help me with that."

She moans and I see her hands fist in the sheets.

I shift away and slide to the edge of the bed, resting my feet on the floor. Shepard rolls to look at me with a frown but she smiles when I motion with my head for her to come to me. She scrambles across the bed, fresh faced and eager and so damn sexy, and stands in front of me with next to none of the insecurity I'm used to from her. Fierce satisfaction and pride lights in my chest, and I reach out to tug her between my legs. With the height of the bed and our size difference, she's still barely a head taller.

"We've been playing around with the idea of discipline. Punishment." Her cheeks start to glow almost immediately and I hear her breath catch but she doesn't step back, doesn't reject it outright. "We need to have a serious conversation about your feelings on it, my expectations...your limits."

"I...I don't know if I have the experience to talk about it," she breathes, voice shaky. "I don't know..."

I take her hand and pull her to sit down on my thigh, loosely wrapping my arms around her hips. "You like a little pain. It grounds you, it excites you. We've both seen that." Her blush glows even redder but she nods. I love when she's shy. "I want to spank you. At least with my hand, with implements if you want to work up to that. I want you to accept it for what it is: a punishment. That being said, you will know the reasons for it. I won't punish you just to be sadistic; I will spank you just because you like it, but that will be separate. Do you understand?"

"Yes." It's got to be a good sign that she answers so quickly, so firmly.

"Depending on what rule you broke and why, I may punish you in other ways. Less painful, more creative."

She narrows her eyes. "I think we'll have to wait and see if edging is less painful than spanking."

"Fair enough," I laugh, almost desperate to kiss her. But we have more important things to do and talk about right now. "Do you know why I want to spank you tonight?"

Shepard swallows hard, her gaze dropping for a second. "I lied to you. I hid knowing about Kaidan on Horizon from you."

"Yes. But I need you to understand that whether or not I forgive you isn't based on punishment. This isn't about you earning that, okay? It's about that mindset we talked about. I set rules, you disobey them, there are consequences." I squeeze her closer. "But I meant what I said; my love for you is not conditional. I don't need this, only you. We do this because we both want to and only for that reason. Understand?"

She catches me off guard, kissing me hard on the mouth, and then murmurs, "Yes, I understand. Thank you."

"Good girl. Stand up." She obeys, and then I take hold of her hand, and yank her over my thigh in one smooth movement. She yelps but doesn't resist and whimpers when I trap her with my other leg. "I appreciate that you're already naked," I tell her honestly, running my palm over her ass. Spirits, I can't wait to see this pink up.

"Please talk me through this, Sir," she breathes. I can feel her tremble.

"Always, my love," I promise. I take a breath and force myself not to coddle her. She needs this as much as I do. "You lied to me. Right to my face. And you lied to me about something that you knew would be a sore topic. I think five is fair."

"Yes, Sir."

And now I'm hard.

Shepard is nervous, though. She's practically panting and not entirely in the good way. I drag my talons gently along the back of her thighs and between her legs, grazing her core. "Don't hold your breath. Try to relax as much as you can. I have you." She only nods but I let it go. "You're going to count. If you don't count it, neither will I. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

I bring my hand down on her left cheek first, hard enough to make her yelp and bring a pink color to her skin. Her ass bounces flawlessly under my hand.

"One." Perfect.

The next smack lands on the right, same spot and same strength. She remembers to count though she shifts just a little this time. I tighten my hold on her legs, making it clear that she isn't going anywhere. I smack the junction of her ass and her thighs, and the 'three' comes out as a moan. The fourth and fifth go where the first two did and she cries out the last number, a little sore there now.

Instead of releasing her after, I slid my fingers between her legs and inside her, finding her absolutely soaked. "Oh, that's my girl. You deserve a reward for handling your first time so well. You wanna cum for me, baby?"

I add my other finger and then slowly pump them inside her, Shepard moaning and quaking. She's right on the edge, I know, so I press where she needs me. She's earned it. "Mmm...please, Sir. Make me cum."

"You liked being spanked this much, hmm?" I can feel my erection against her stomach, her core spasming around my fingers, her juices running down my hand and onto my thigh. "You're so fucking wet, Shepard, shit. I may just need to spank you more often."

She moans deeply and arches her spine before it breaks into a hoarse cry and she cums hard, body clenching down on my fingers.

"Garrus," she practically whines, going boneless when the orgasm finally releases her. "Wow."

"You're not done," I breathe, trying to keep myself contained and brushing some of the hair off her neck; I don't know why that cools humans down so quickly but I've learned she loves it. Enough to moan right now. Such a weird species. "Get on your knees and suck me off, Elle. I need it."

Shepard snaps into action immediately, pushing herself up and then onto her knees, scrambling between my legs. My erection is throbbing, almost painful with a need to be touched, but she plants her hands on my thighs and looks me right in the eye. "Can I take my time?"

Spirits. "Whatever you want."

She flashes me a dangerous grin and leans forward, not breaking eye contact before kissing the very tip of my dick softly. Those gentle, tiny kisses, continue down my shaft and then Shepard runs her tongue all the way up the length on the underside. She dedicates herself with all the focus I'd expect from a soldier of her caliber, spending time on every ridge and playing with the head. And then she manages to surprise me, her hand coming up to cup my quad and then her head ducking down to join it.

"Fuck." I lose my balance and have to lean back, propping up on my elbows so that I don't lose my view of her. She shifts back up to mouth the head of my cock lightly, bringing one hand to jerk the base while the other continues to roll and pull and squeeze my quad expertly.

I know something is coming when Shepard looks up and meets my gaze. She grazes one finger further back, softly and tentatively, but I can't help a grin. "Do you want to?"

She nods with my dick in her mouth, eyes flashing. It's a good look. I hold her cheek to keep her steady and lean toward the bedside table where I left a bottle of lube. I grabbed it in case she needed it after the spanking but this seems like a much better reason. "Keep going, baby, and give me your hand." She obeys, and I slick up her fingers, my heart starting to race.

It almost jumps into my throat when Shepard's nimble little fingers find her way back there. She's hesitant at first but combined with the suction and heat of her mouth, even a little pressure is intense. I hear myself groan and realize only then that it's been a long time...too long. My reaction apparently spurs her on and Shepard's response is perfect, going harder and faster with her mouth and her finger. I lean back on my elbows again, unable to keep holding myself up while I'm being overwhelmed by pleasure.

"Shit that feels good," I breathe, my subtones flanging wildly. I have to fight not to thrash my legs or thrust into her mouth too hard but Shepard knows me well enough to realize I'm holding back. The woman also happens to be an exceptional soldier so it shouldn't surprise me that she finds exactly the right spot quickly. Something between a growl and a whimper escapes me, Shepard only sucks harder, and then I feel the back of her throat and completely lose my grip on reality.

I shatter, vaguely aware that I'm exploding into her mouth. I hear Shepard moaning but she doesn't let up, continuing to bob her head up and down my shaft while her tongue does impossible things. Oversensitive, I thrust my hand into her hair and make a weak attempt at pulling her away but Shepard resists and a second, even more intense orgasm rocks through me. She's forced to pull back this time and I hear her gagging just barely over the pounding of my heart in my ears. By the time I come back down, I can barely breathe and my legs are shaking.

"Fuck, Shepard. That was..." I don't have the words. Holding myself up has stopped being an option so I collapse and Shepard laughs, climbing to her feet while wiping off the corner of her mouth. She has cum all over her breasts and it's enough to make my dick twitch, even now. "You're gorgeous. And holy shit you're talented."

She laughs again, rolling her eyes, and then crawls onto the bed beside me. Almost immediately she winces, and while that makes my dick twitch too, it also reminds me of what else I need to do. "That's gonna be sore for awhile, huh?"

"I'm thoroughly looking forward to watching you sit in Mess Hall at dinner," I inform her, finding the strength to reach over her and to the other bottle I put on the table before waking her up. "Roll onto your stomach." Shepard gives me a look, her eyes darting to my erection, but she obeys when I laugh. I sit up and pour some of the lotion into my hands, warming it before I touch her ass - much more gently this time. She moans softly and melts into the mattress. "Feeling better?"

"Yes. What is that?"

"Just a cooling lotion. It'll take the sting out."

"Thank you. Surprisingly kind after a punishment." She turns her head enough to look back at me. "You're always really good to me, you know."

"My honor, kid." I swat her very gently after and she laughs before rolling back onto her side and then sitting up. I follow her, even if my body protests a little. It's easier when I pull her closer with my hand at the back of her neck and kiss her. She mirrors the hold and kisses me back, moaning softly into my mouth as we part slowly. "You're amazing," I whisper against her mouth.

"I never get to see you like that," she replies, shaking her head slowly. "You're always so controlled and that was..." She finishes the sentence by kissing me against, throwing herself against my chest and her arms around my neck. That has to be a good sign. I keep her against me while I stand, carrying her, and Shepard wraps her legs around me even before she asks, "Where are we going?"

"Shower. And then dinner. And then you can have like an hour to pay attention to the crew but I need to cum inside you very, very soon."

"Mmm and why not in the shower?"

I have to pause and pull back to stare at her, trying to decide if she's serious. The heat in her eyes is completely unmistakable. I don't waste another second on the way to the bathroom.

---

Waking up to a message that Miranda wants to see me in the morning is just about the last thing I wanted today. Garrus made up for every night that we were apart through the week and every tense moment we had all day. He took any concerns I had about not being human and screwed them right out of my head. I wake with a very human soreness deep inside me. Plus the lingering pain on my ass - neither of which I actually have any complaints about.

But I don't get an encore in the morning, both of us going tense as soon as I see the message from Miranda on my Omni-Tool. I ask Garrus to come with me in case she drops another massive bomb...or maybe to hold me back. In either case, I'm relieved when he agrees and even more when he takes my hand on the way through her door.

"Commander, I - " Miranda's face falls when she looks up from her computer to find both of us. "Oh. I, um...I was hoping we could speak privately."

"No," I answer firmly. "Not after yesterday. And honestly anything you say to me I'm going to repeat for him, so. Might as well cut out the middle man." Garrus squeezes my fingers. I don't know if he's uncomfortable but I know he won't leave; I'll apologize for needing him so badly later.

Miranda takes a deep breath and then stands slowly. "Okay. But I would ask that the two of you keep this private. I...have to share something about myself for you to understand."

It's definitely odd but we both promise.

"When my father was designing me, he focused solely on the end goal. All that he cared about was performance, and he wanted to eliminate things he considered risks or superfluous desires." She looks away from us when she continues, "That included the ability to get pregnant and carry a child."

My heart catches in my throat, almost as bad as yesterday. Only this time I don't want to scream and throw things. This time I want to hear what she has to say. I need to.

"I'm sure you're aware of the Batarians making...similar decisions for you?" Miranda checks, quirking an eyebrow at me. I manage a nod, my mouth dry.

"What?" Garrus breathes from beside me. I look up into wide blue eyes. "What is she talking about?"

"I...they did it to all of us. Sterilized us. Hysterectomies." Garrus shakes his head a little, a pained expression blossoming. And I know that it's pain solely for me. I squeeze his hand, grateful, and look back to Miranda. "Keep going," I tell her.

She takes another breath. "When we were restoring your body, I had the opportunity to correct what was done to you. And I will admit that my personal history impacted the decision. The choice to have our own children was taken from both of us, Shepard. I corrected that for you."

I have to reach out to the chair in front of me to stabilize myself, Miranda making the universe tilt under my feet again. One of my hands lands on my stomach before I even realized I was going to put it there. "I can...I can have a baby?"

"Yes." Miranda smiles, as much as she ever does, but then her gaze moves above me.

I follow her to look up at Garrus who either finds the floor extremely interesting or...shit. The bubble inside me bursts when I realize everything that Garrus just heard. I learned that I can have a baby. Garrus learned that I can have a baby, too but I only need a glance to know that he's focused on the fact that we can't have a baby together. Suddenly the whole thing makes me a lot less happy.

"Um...thank you, Miranda. For-for letting me know. I appreciate that."

"I just wanted to clear the air after yesterday. That's all the changes, I swear." She's sincere, I can tell, and I appreciate it. I thank her and turn to go, pulling Garrus out of the room behind me. I continue pulling him all the way to the Main Battery and Garrus is silent the entire time. As soon as we're inside, he sits down hard on the cot that used to be his.

"EDI, lock the doors," he orders, voice low and soft.

"Garrus." He doesn't move, doesn't look up at me. "Hey. Where's your head, big guy?"

"Shepard," he scoffs. "I saw your face when she told you. You want to have a baby. And I can't give you that."

The crack in his voice almost breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to hold him so I don't resist, climbing onto his lap with my knees on either side of his hips, and then wrapping my arms around him. Garrus leans back against the wall and takes a breath, holding my hips.

"Garrus...it's not something I'm upset about. I've always known I couldn't have a baby and - "

"But now you can. And clearly you want to. I..." He takes a deep breath and lifts one hand from my hip, stopping my heart when he rests it on my stomach. "You deserve everything you want."

"You wanna know what I want?" He nods and looks up at me. I hold his jaw softly and trail my thumb over the colony marks on his face; his breath catches but he leans into the touch. "I want to have a family with you. I bet you'll be the most amazing dad. And there are a lot of ways to have babies. We don't need to get pregnant to have babies together. And that's everything I want."

Garrus makes a low noise in the back of his throat and leans into me, nuzzling his face in my throat. "You're perfect."

"I know. And we can do a lot of practice baby making, OK?"

He laughs and nips my shoulder lightly before kissing me much, much harder. I don't resist, more than willing to start that practice right now, but then his Omni-Tool dings. Garrus pulls away, frowning. "Sorry, that's...it's my sister's tone."

"No, go ahead."

"Thanks. She wasn't supposed to call today." Garrus answers the voice call. "Hey, Sol. What's up? You OK?"

"Garrus." I don't need to know Solana or be able to hear Turian subtones to know that she's totally distraught. I tighten my hold on Garrus, his entire body going stiff, and he wraps one arm around my back to tug me up against him.

"What's going on, Solana? Are you OK?"

"It's...it's Mom. She's back in the hospital." Garrus deflates, his shoulders falling heavily and his head landing on my shoulder. His breaths become shaky in an instant and the ache in my chest breaks my heart, too. "It's an infection, her lungs. I suspect pneumonia and I...I think we can treat it." I remember him telling me that Solana is a doctor and he nods now even though she can't see him. "But it's..."

"It's hard, baby Sol, I know."

"Yeah. She's gotten so much weaker in the last couple of years, no matter what I do." She makes a soft keening noise. She's crying, and I can feel her tears hit Garrus hard. His hand fists in the back of my shirt. "I knew she would get worse over time."

"We all knew it would but seeing it happen has never been easy. How are her spirits?"

Solana laughs a little. "It's Mom. She's...I don't know some kind of superhero or something. You know she's more worried about Dad than anything else."

"I'm sure she's worried about you and the kids, too." Garrus takes a breath, sits up, and leans his forehead against mine. I can't help a smile and he even returns it a little. "OK, Sol, listen to me. You have a treatment plan for Mom? You know the doctors on her team?"

"Yes, and yes."

"Mom is upbeat, Mom is..." He laughs. "She's Mom. And she's gonna pull through this exactly the same way she's pulled through in the past. It's Mom. Right?"

I watch him in awe while Solana takes a breath. Patient, calm, loving, he talks her down. And I can see the fear in his eyes, but he pulls it together for his family and makes sure that his baby sister is okay. By the time they hang up, I can tell Solana feels much better and Garrus is a little lighter, too. Still, when they hang up, my first question is, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I..." He takes a breath. "It's always been hard. And I wish I could be there for Solana. But I know she gets it, and my mom does, too." He smirks and shrugs. "I have to single handedly save the galaxy for it to matter that my mom survives."

I throw my head back and laugh, the pain in both of us easing a little. "Single handedly, hmm?" I push off of his lap and tease, "You know, I think single handedly is how you'll be getting your love tonight."

Garrus laughs and follows me up, playfully swatting my ass while I try to get to the door and unlock it. Fortunately, he's still being gentle. "You have things to do, I'm assuming? I could really use a few hours of mindless calibration."

"My boyfriend settles himself with math." I roll my eyes dramatically. "How did I end up with such a nerd?"

"I'll show you how later." He throws me a lewd wink and we part laughing.

It's been a weird morning, and there's already been too many tense moments, but we have the rest of the day ahead of us and we have each other. And...I might have a plan.

I walk into the Tech Lab and Mordin looks up right away, smiling when he sees me. A good sign.

"Hey, Mordin. How would you feel about a couple of projects?"