Santana had only rested her eyes for a few moments before she felt Quinn stirring. Her sister's movements caused a dress to fall from a hanger and a shoe to be kicked into Santana's lap. The older girl tossed the shoe aside and threw the yellow dress at Quinn's face. The blonde blinked open her eyes in confusion and once she gathered her surroundings, threw the dress right back.
Santana threw the dress back again, harder this time. It made a whipping noise through the air. "What's wrong with you?"
Quinn sat fully up, moving other hanging articles of their wardrobe out of the way to see Santana. "What's wrong with me? You're the one throwing crap at me. I was asleep."
"Yeah. Drunk asleep in the closet. Was it worth it?" she asked sarcastically. "Did it burn so good going down? Have all of your problems magically disappeared? Are you BFFs with mom now?"
Quinn diverted her eyes away from Santana's. "Don't be mad at me," she said.
"Don't do stupid things to get me mad! You know better," Santana said shifting a boot out from underneath her. "You literally did this the other day and hurled all over the place. Why do it again?"
"Maybe you should have gotten rid of your stupid secret stash if you cared so much about me doing it again!" Quinn yelled and made to stand up. Santana did the same and both girls ended up tripping over pairs of sneakers and shoes, struggling to balance. When Santana reached out to grab Quinn's arm, the blonde pushed her older sister to the ground. "Leave me alone, Santana. I'm tired. I don't want to talk anymore!"
Santana growled, angry that Quinn had gained the upper hand and pushed her down. She got up and lunged for her sister, tackling her to Rachel's bed. They twisted, fought, pulled hair, and yelled. Neither of them noticed their mother or Rachel appear in the doorway. The youngest sister put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. She stormed over to her bedside where her sisters remained wrestling.
"Hello?! Do you have to do this on MY bed?!"
When the fighting didn't stop, Rachel tried to squeeze her tiny body in between her older sisters.
"Rachel..." Shelby warned, fearful of the young girl getting hurt.
Rachel reached for the ponytails of both Santana and Quinn. "Don't worry, Mom. This isn't my first rodeo," she said with a tilt of her head. "Or whatever that phrase is."
With both of her fists filled with hair, one brunette and one blonde, Rachel pulled hard. Both Santana and Quinn's necks were pulled backward and they yelled, this time not at each other.
"Rachel!" "Ow!" They said simultaneously.
Shelby looked on, a silent observer, as Rachel schooled her big sisters.
"Well, now that I have your attention, did you have to fight on my bed? Santana, you almost knocked my Barbra Streisand poster down."
Santana began redoing her ponytail. "Sorry midge. Heat of the moment," she said with a wicked glance to Quinn.
Rachel happily nodded. "Apology accepted. Now say sorry to Quinn."
The older girl looked at her like she had sprouted another head. "I don't need to apologize to Quinn, Rachel. What she did was wrong. Even you know that."
Rachel gave another dramatic eye roll. "I know, Santana, but you could have hurt her and she's already hurt. You said we had to let her be and give support, right?"
Santana begrudgingly admitted to her eight-year-old sister being correct. She turned to apologize to Quinn, but the younger girl beat her to the punch.
"I'm sorry," she said simply. Her ponytail was half out and strands of blonde hair fell around her face. She brushed past their mother in the doorway and Rachel heard the bathroom door click shut and lock.
There was a collective sigh between Rachel, Santana, and Shelby. After a pause, Shelby made her way to closet and picked up Santana's liquor shoebox.
"I think we can all agree this does more harm than it does good, huh?" She held the box in two uncertain hands. "Why don't you girls wash up and get ready for dinner, while I take care of this. We can order pizza or something in," she said as she exited the bedroom and headed down the hall.
"Mom!" Rachel called after her, "We can't wash up, Quinn's locked in the bathroom!"
The response carried from the living room, "Well, tell her to come out!"
Rachel turned to Santana and shrugged. "Well, I guess today can't be terrible if I get Starbucks and pizza out of it," she smiled.
Santana gave her a smile back, happy Rachel seemed to be her bubbly Rachel-self, but inside she was perpetually conflicted. She was mad at Quinn, but she was even more mad at her mother, and more than that she was mad at the entire situation that was their lives. She couldn't figure out how to change it, and with each passing day that reality came crashing down harder and harder.
"Exactly," Santana answered with a loving shove to Rachel's shoulder. The younger girl laughed.
"So who is going to get her out of the bathroom, me or you?" Rachel asked quietly. "I think I'm going to be really good at this supporting thing," she said matter-of-factly.
Even though she said it in the midst of battle, Santana could hear Quinn say "I don't want to talk anymore!" clear as day in her head. And Santana had to admit, it had been a long, full day.
"You know what, midge? I think maybe space is a good thing for her right now. She's the ice queen, right? Let's maybe let her melt a little bit before we knock on the door."
"Sounds good," Rachel said with a skip as the two headed toward the living room. "I'm proud of you, Sanny!"
Santana laughed. "You're proud of me? Why?"
"Well," Rachel said as she opened the refrigerator for a pre-dinner snack, "you didn't yell at Mom at all before. That's a new record!"
She began to munch on some strawberries as she looked at Santana with big eyes.
"Well," Santana said snatching a strawberry for herself, "sometimes people don't warrant a response."
The rest of the evening went by relatively uneventfully. True to her word, Shelby placed an order for a pizza and garlic knots as something easy for dinner. There was still tension between mother and eldest daughter, but Rachel was an excellent mediator and peacekeeper. Shelby didn't try to force anything and Santana kept her distance and her mouth shut, both acting in the best interest of Rachel.
Quinn eventually emerged from the bathroom. Her eyes were swollen, but there were no tears. Her hair had been neatly brushed with one side tucked behind her ear. Rachel asked their Google Home to play instrumental Christmas music to keep things festive and Quinn calm. The blonde was quiet but gave her sister a grateful smile. As they waited for pizza to arrive, Rachel prevented uncomfortable silence by seemingly holding three individual conversations with the members of her family. She wasn't sure why everyone made a big deal out of trying to get along. It seemed pretty easy to do from her perspective.
"And then I pull the string and wings pop out and I become the butterfly just like that! Our director told me the butterfly not only needed someone talented to play her, but someone responsible," she smiled and patted herself on the shoulder.
"He sure knows how to keep second graders humble, huh?" Santana muttered.
Shelby offered a truce smile to Santana in agreement. "Well, you are certainly both of those things. I can't wait to see the show next week honey."
"Yeah, Rach, I never thought I'd ever say these words, but I have to agree with Mom," Santana said shifting her weight on the couch, "your show might just be the little bit of magic we all need."
Suddenly, Rachel looked on the verge of tears. She looked back and forth between Santana and her mother almost as if waiting for the punchline to a joke. When she began to cry, Quinn spoke at last.
"This family is the worst," she snapped. "Even I know her show is tomorrow night, not next week. It's been on the calendar for months and it's all she talks about." She turned to face her mother and sister. "You both need to start paying attention to things other than me!"
As she spoke the last word, the buzzer rang with Joe from downstairs letting them know the deliveryman was on his way up. Within 30 seconds Quinn had grabbed the money Shelby had laid out on the kitchen counter, all but threw it at the young delivery boy, and slammed shut the door to 3H. She aggressively dropped the pizza on the coffee table the others were gathered around.
"Enjoy your greasy pizza. Rachel, I'll be in our room if you'd rather eat your food in there with me," she said.
Rachel sniffled and her downcast eyes rose to meet Quinn's.
"We aren't allowed to eat in our room. Daddy will -"
"Well, Dad's not here is he?! There are no rules anymore, Rachel don't you see that? We can all do whatever we want. I can drink, you can have pizza in the bedroom, and Santana can have Brittany sleepover. Nothing matters anymore."
Without waiting for a response or rebuttal, Quinn turned and made her way to the bedroom angrily. Rachel, with a natural flair for the dramatic, got up from her chair, brushed her bangs out of her eyes, grabbed a piece of pizza and a garlic knot, and made her way to the bedroom, oblivious to the grease dripping from her food to the wood floors beneath her feet. They left their mother and Santana sitting in stunned silence, each with their head in their hands looking and feeling more alike than either would want to admit.
Santana's heart felt like it was sitting in her stomach. How had she not realized the show was tomorrow? Was she that caught up in everything else that she completely forgot about Rachel's play that she picked her up from rehearsal for each day? Her eyes welled with tears and she forced herself to channel Quinn to keep them from falling in front of her mother. Rachel deserved her childhood and innocence and she had practically taken that from her with their earlier conversation. The least she could do was remember her play and share in her sister's excitement. She had gone from having all the control in their lives, to none of it.
"I can hear you thinking from here," came Shelby's voice. "Don't blame yourself, Santana."
Santana looked up and met her mother's eyes. She didn't trust her mouth to speak, so she kept it shut. Her mother's eyes were so much like Rachel's. Big, piercing, and full of passion. In Shelby's, Santana couldn't remember the last time she saw passion before this moment.
"You know," her mother continued, "I've spent the last few weeks scared to step in or make decisions because I've been so terrified of what other people would think...you girls, some neighbors, now your teachers. I don't have any confidence in myself because of how out of control I let my life get and it feels like everyone is expecting me to fail or just waiting for me to give up. I know I'm expecting myself to fail or give up, especially when it comes to you, Santana."
Santana still didn't speak but gave her a questioning gaze. The pizza box sat unforgotten in front of them. Shelby continued.
"It feels like for as long as I can remember, you have been a better role model and parent to those girls than I have. You are so fiercely protective and I am so proud of that, but I... I felt I could never compare. I felt like they were better off with you than with me and that.. God, that is so wrong. I am so sorry. I just... I don't know you girls anymore. I feel like a stranger watching you all operate. I don't know how I'm supposed to be what you need when you've all made it this far without me," she whispered. She wiped a tear from her eye and shook her head. "I couldn't even remember her play..."
Surprising them both, Santana hesitantly placed a hand on her mother's knee. "So did I," she said removing her hand just as quickly as she had placed it. "I blame you for a lot of shit, but not that. And fuck, Mom, you think they didn't need you? You think I didn't need you? We needed you! They still need you. And... I don't know. Rachel's soft, it's not too late for you to be the mom she needs you to be. I don't even know what Quinn needs, but I know having you in her corner will help. You just.. you need to try. You're not trying. You sit around and you let her go to school, you drank with her.. I mean, that's not making an effort. You're just trying to find your comfort zone somewhere it doesn't exist," she said. Santana was surprised by how calm she felt. Maybe she was overly tired. Yes, that was it. She wouldn't allow herself to believe that maybe the tiny shred of hope she held for the mother could possibly be growing. "You need to be a Mom. You need to make decisions and help with homework and go to AA and a shrink. That's how you get your confidence back and how you get them back."
"And how do I get you back?"
Santana shrugged thoughtfully. "I don't know that you can.. but being there for them could be a start."
"I should go check on them and apologize," Shelby said standing up and heading toward the bedroom. Santana grabbed her mother's shirt as she passed.
"No you shouldn't," she said. She gestured for her mother to return to her seat. "Rule number one, we like space. Let us be if we go off to be alone, at least for a little while. I know it seems weird after everything with Quinn and I'm still trying to convince myself to let her be sometimes but, just let some time pass before you barge in on us. All three of your daughters can be sensitive and have tempers, I know where Rachel and I get it from, but maybe it's a learned behavior on Quinn's part. Either way, in time we'll come around. Anyone forcing themselves in to rectify the situation will only hurt. Trust me. I would know."
Shelby gave a shy smile. "This is nice, Santana. Thank you for helping me."
Santana did not return the smile. "Well, it's pathetic that I even have to. Let's see how well you can listen to me. From here on actions speak louder than words. You can claim to try all you want, but until you do, I'm not making nice with you. I'm just trying to make some sense of a normal life for them. Got it?"
She saw her mother deflate, but she nodded nonetheless. "Got it," she agreed. "Is there anything else I should know?"
"Oh is there ever," Santana laughed as she finally reached for a slice of pizza. Mother and daughter ate their pizza as Santana regaled her mother with tales of her children. How Quinn is a shoe-in for Cheerios captain next year, making her the first ever sophomore to hold the title, how Rachel is secretly terrified of Harry Potter but watches the movies any time they come on because Santana loves them. How Quinn loves to bake and even got away with making sugar cookies once without Leroy finding out. Santana still owed her $20 for that to this day. She told Shelby how she is Rachel's idol, listening to her old voice recordings and watching videos of a younger Shelby on YouTube. Then some harder facts. How Quinn taught herself not to cry. How Rachel, from the age of five, would press her hand to Santana's back to make sure she was still breathing at night after a Leroy encounter. How if Shelby didn't get up before noon on the weekends, Leroy would dictate a new meal to the girls to make for breakfast and lunch, usually hitting Santana if it didn't taste how he'd like it.
"There's so much I don't know... so much I could've prevented. I... I don't know what happened.." Shelby said ripping her pizza crust into bits. "How did I get here?"
Santana shrugged and popped a piece of garlic knot into her mouth. "He's a psycho is what happened. You got here because you gave up," she said simply. "Giving up on yourself is one thing, but on us? That's where my problem lies."
"I will change," Shelby said with conviction. "I promise you."
After a short, semi-awkward silence, Shelby spoke again.
"Can I ask you something?" When Santana didn't respond Shelby took it as a cue to continue. "You told me so many things about your sisters that I didn't know. And I know there is so much more, and things I'll probably never know, but I'm still so grateful. But what about you, Santana? You're still my daughter. I want to know you."
Santana shifted uncomfortably and didn't meet her mother's eyes. "There's not much to know. I get by, I make sure they get by. That's literally my whole life."
Shelby took her chances and pried further. "Quinn said you had Brittany sleepover? Is that Brittany Pierce? I vaguely remember the family-"
"You don't get to talk about Brittany. You don't get to know about me or my friends, okay? You need to fix your own life before you weasel your way into mine."
"Noted," she said. With a glance behind Santana and a nod in that direction, she then continued quietly, "Looks like you were right."
Santana turned and saw Rachel emerging from their shared bedroom. Of course she was right, Santana thought. If Shelby wanted a personal behavioral analysis of her sisters, Santana could give it. Predicting that her sisters would eventually reappear after calming down didn't even scrape the surface. One out of two of them wasn't bad.
"Can I have another garlic knot?" Rachel asked timidly at Santana.
"That's mom's call, not mine. Mom, can Rachel have another garlic knot?"
Shelby smiled. Santana was giving her a chance to regain control of her household. "Yes, sweetie, sure. Just one more though. I don't want you to go to sleep extra full."
Rachel matched Shelby's big smile and sat next to her sister on the loveseat. Santana wrapped an affectionate arm around her.
"Rachel," Shelby began. "Honey.. I am so sorry about getting the date wrong for your show. There's been so much happening, I nearly forget Christmas is just days away."
"Me too, midge. There's no excuse. I'm sorry," Santana echoed.
"It's okay," Rachel said somberly. "I just didn't want my family not to be there. I mean, I'm the best part of the whole thing!"
Shelby and Santana both burst out laughing. Rachel didn't see what was so funny about it, it was simply fact, but she let out a few giggles herself.
"Did Q want any food, Rach?" Santana asked. "I'd save her a slice if she wants."
Rachel confessed that she and Quinn didn't do a lot of talking while secluded in their bedroom and that their blonde sister just lay dejectedly on their bed and gave Rachel one word answers when spoken to. However, she did assure Rachel she wouldn't miss her play for anything.
Shelby looked at Santana. "Do you think I should..?"
"Might as well give it a shot. Don't say anything stupid, okay?" Santana warned.
Shelby agreed to the extent that she could and made her way to the girls bedroom. She only just realized that family photos that once hung on the walls were gone, and must have been since the night of her attack. She knocked twice on the door before gently opening it.
Back in the living room Santana and Rachel sat among the calming tunes of the Christmas music that still played across the room. Santana, eternally conflicted, wondered if sending Shelby to Quinn was a good idea. She wanted her mother to try, but she didn't want to force things. An uneasy feeling filled her insides. She turned to Rachel to distract herself and asked to hear more about what to expect from her star turn as the Butterfly. Rachel rambled on and Santana should've known that such a simple question would warrant such an elaborate response from her youngest sister.
It wasn't long before she heard the bedroom door click closed and she turned to see her mother heading back toward them, dejectedly.
"She wants you," Shelby said regretfully.
Santana was down the hall and in the bedroom in seconds, leaving Shelby with her youngest.
"Don't be sad, Mommy. Santana can always make Quinn feel better. Even after they fight!"
Shelby nodded and pat the little girl on her head. She felt like a failure. She wished Quinn would've given her a chance, or even looked at her, but she had failed too many times and was certain that despite the hope Santana had given her, she'd never get a relationship back with any of her daughters. She longed for something out of Santana's shoebox, which had never made it out of the apartment, and instead lay buried under her bed. Instead, she began to clean up the leftover pizza with Rachel's help, and think of anything other than the longing she had for everything she shouldn't want.
Santana had entered her bedroom to see Quinn laying on her side facing the wall. The room stank of alcohol that she hadn't noticed earlier. She couldn't tell if the blonde was awake or not. Quinn let out a long sigh and Santana had her answer. Awake.
She moved to sit on the edge of Quinn's bed. "Hey Q. You want to talk?"
"No."
"Ooookay," Santana responded. "Mom said you wanted me. Everything okay?"
Still facing the wall, Quinn said "I just want you."
Santana's brows furrowed. "Well, I'm here. What do you need?"
Quinn responded into her pillow, the muffled sounds impossible for Santana to understand.
"Come again, Ice Queen?"
Still facing the wall, but with her pillow separated from her mouth, Quinn repeated, "I feel safe with you."
Santana felt her generally cold heart, warm. While they had a special relationship and knew of their comfort level with each other, it was never made verbal. Quinn typically liked to avoid feelings altogether. If she hadn't cried as a little girl, Santana would be convinced Quinn could shut off her emotions like a light switch. She practically did anyway.
"I feel safe with you too, Q. It's going to be okay," Santana soothed.
"I don't want to talk," the blonde said, once more into the pillow.
"Okay," Santana said. "You want me to go?"
At this, Quinn turned sharply. "No! It's not safe without you.."
Santana scrunched her brows once more. "Quinn, I'm home, I'm here. You're safe."
"Only because of you," Quinn said in a small voice.
"What do you mean?"
"He- he would have tried eventually. I think he did, but you were always there to stop him. I'm not safe without you," she whispered.
Santana wanted to hug her, but was still unsure how Quinn felt about unwarranted tactile affection. Then, guilt overcame her.
"I'm sorry I couldn't stop him," Santana whispered back. "I'm sorry I didn't open the door sooner."
If Quinn was a normal teenager, she'd likely start crying, but alas she was not. Santana felt her turn away yet again. "Stop talking. I said I didn't want to."
Santana swallowed the tears in her own throat. "I.. I don't know how to help you," she confessed. Quinn didn't answer. "Mom is gonna start trying I think -"
"She can't keep me safe like you can," Quinn mumbled. Her voice was laced with exhaustion and Santana could tell sleep would take her for the night shortly.
Santana swallowed. "You're not in danger anymore, Quinn. You're safe."
Again to the wall Quinn said, "None of us are safe in this place. He's everywhere. There's a memory everywhere."
Santana couldn't argue with that, but she wanted Quinn to understand she was, at least physically, safe.
"Quinn, I know. You think every time I'm in the kitchen or the bathroom I don't get a wave of PTSD or something? It's hell, but the devil isn't ruling it anymore. We finally have the power. He can't get you, understand?"
She was met with silence and knew in her heart of hearts her sister was asleep.
"I'll always be here for you," she told the sleeping girl. "But I need you to be you again.."
After a few more minutes of sitting on Quinn's bed, Rachel came in to get ready for bed herself. Santana said she'd freshen up and come to bed soon.
She figured tonight could've been considered progress with her mother, but she was still hesitant to get too hopeful or give her mother too much credit. She re-entered the living room and saw that her mother was talking to someone at the door. Santana felt it was a bit late for visitors to drop by. She remained in the hallway out of sight, and listened to the voice her mother was talking to.
"I know it's late, but it's all part of the process, Shelby. I'm just here to make sure the girls are being properly looked after. This is an unscheduled visit that as you know, CPS is entitled to."
Great, Santana thought. It was Claire Huxtable or whatever her name was. This was truly the longest day ever, but for once Santana wasn't panicked. There was nothing to hide from this woman and Shelby had made some mistakes, but overall she was engaged and involved all day. Nothing to fear. She made her way back to the bathroom to get some Febreze and sprayed it in the girls bedroom to kill any lingering smell of alcohol. The smell woke Quinn as the scent invaded her throat and she coughed.
"Go back to bed, Quinn!" Santana whispered. "Rachel, go to bed."
"I am," the young girl said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, gesturing to her pajamas.
"Okay, goodnight."
She could hear her sister talking to her as she left the room, but she put the Febreze back in the bathroom and casually made her way to living room to watch what Claire was up to firsthand. Rachel was still nervous they'd be separated, and Quinn didn't want more people prying into her life. She would keep them both safe.
As she made her way to the living room, she saw the two women had made their way into Shelby's room and Santana could swear she heard the jingling of mini liquor bottles clanging together, and the social worker ask "What's this?"
There you have it!
First and foremost, I want to extend my condolences to everyone impacted by Naya's passing. It still doesn't feel real to me. The entire situation is truly tragic and devastating. For super Gleeks like myself, it feels like a lost friend. I'm praying for her family, friends, beautiful boy, and of course fellow fans.
clj7 - Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy this chapter
216BLT - I wish I had a double update ready to go again, but hopefully this suffices!
Spawn - Thanks as always for your lengthy and detailed reviews. I am so glad you like how Santana's struggles are portrayed. This struggle means a lot to me and I want to make sure I do it justice with each character, even if that means things are slow moving.
KStoryteller - Rachel is definitely a bright spot, but yes! She will definitely need to work through things she saw and experienced as well. She can't quite fully understand just yet.
MaudeLebowski - Happy belated birthday! Hope it was wonderful! Here's an extra gift for you lol.
Mimifarrell15 - Thank you so much for the review! Santana's break is inevitable. I love Rachel too :) Let me know what you think!
CharmedbyCharmed - Thank you so much for giving this story a chance! I always thought these three girls on Glee had the most complexities and the most interesting stories to tell, so I wrapped them up and made them sisters! Thank you for your thoughts on each of them. It really makes me so happy to learn what the readers are thinking about each of them. Their bond is very special ️
Superflarrow17 - Thanks so much! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
IceK04 - Thank you! Shelby is suuuuuper complicated and writing her is suuuuper frustrating. She's a teeter totter. Hopefully she can make a genuine effort.
Thank you all, as always, for the reviews! Please keep them coming. I cannot tell you how influential and motivating they are. I hope everyone is staying safe amid these wild times we're living. Be well! x