Chapter 20

It feels so weird being back in my parents house after so many months. But being around my dad is especially weird. I hardly had anything to do with him while I was living with Desi and Irene, it's almost like he tried to disappear from my life. I can't stop thinking about whether he's still cheating on my mum.

He's so selfish, of course he's still cheating.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter what he does, so long as mum stays sober. It might not look like it to other people, but I can see how hard she's trying. I know she's never going to be the type of mum that hugs me, gives me a kiss on the cheek or tell me every day that she loves me, and that's okay. It's the small things she's trying to change. She acknowledges me, she talks to me, asks me how my day was. In the last week since I've been back home, I've spoken to her more than my dad, that never used to happen. It feels like my dad is walking on egg shells, I can't even tell if he's happy I'm back.

Fuck it, so long as everyone is being civil, I don't care. But by far the best thing about being back home is getting to see Cal again. I've hardly seen him at all in the last few months, I didn't realise how much I missed him. As soon as I walk back into the house and see him, I wrap him up in the tightest hug I can manage. I'm hoping his relaxed attitude might rub off on me, he doesn't let anything get to him, I have no idea how he does it. Also, he's the only one in the house that knows Alex is my girlfriend. My parents know I became friends with Alex, but they have no idea how close we really are. I can see the strain on their faces when I talk about staying at Litchfield High and talk about catching up with Alex, but they don't say anything. At least that's one positive to come out of this whole situation, they're too scared to screw things up with me again and risk losing me. I'm more than happy to use that to my advantage when it comes to arranging sleep overs with Alex, but I'm not stupid enough to tell them about our relationship. I know that's one thing they probably won't accept.

I've been back home for almost one week, and every night I've found myself sitting in the lounge room with Cal after school, watching whatever crappy game show is on.

"So when do I get to meet Alex?"

I love the fact that he actually wants to meet her, that he acknowledges how important she is to me, "Hopefully soon! I was going to ask if she can come over after the trial period is over. Especially now that she's back living with Desi."

Cal puts an arm around me as he keeps his eyes on the TV, "Yeah, it really sucks that they put her back there, what the fuck is wrong with the system."

I've told him everything about what happened with Desi, and how worried I am about her being back with him. I feel so much better knowing I have him back, that I can tell him anything and I know he won't judge me.

"Hey so now that you're at a public school, you reckon mum and dad will let me move there too?"

That question almost makes me laugh out loud, "Cal, do you actually need me to ask that question?"

He shoots me a smile, "Yeah I guess you're right. They're already so mortified by one of their kids attending public school, they'd probably need to move neighbourhoods if I went to Litchfield too."

Laughing with him feels so good, and it's helping to take my mind off how much I miss Alex.

I'm trying so hard to get through all this paperwork as fast as possible, I didn't even take a lunch break today. Nothing will stop me from keeping my promise to Alex, I will visit her every night to make sure everything is okay between her and Desi. I don't care how early I need to start work, or how many extra hours I'll need to do to make up for the lost time. I'm not breaking that promise. I haven't told my bosses that I'm going there every day, and I certainly haven't told them that I gave her a phone. That's the sort of thing that could get me fired, but it would be worth it. These people sitting at the executive level, making all the decisions about these kids lives, they have no idea what the reality is like. Don't get me wrong, they're not all bad, but they make so many bad decisions, I've seen so many things go wrong, I'm not willing to sit back and let it all happen again. Especially after what's happened between Alex and Desi, I can't risk another break down there.

I keep pushing through my crappy paperwork until I hear my phone ringing, it's Diane.

"Hi Diane," I'm trying to be more understanding of her situation, I know she's a victim too, but sometimes it's really hard, especially when I know how much she's hurt Alex. I don't get a chance to say anything else before she starts talking, her words are so fast and frantic, she sounds really sad.

"You were right, I never should've agreed to see him. All he wanted was money, I know he doesn't care about me. What the hell is wrong with me Irene, why the hell did I agree to see him?"

I do feel sorry for Diane, but I can't let myself get distracted from my job, which is to protect Alex. She starts talking again before I can respond.

"I would love to talk to her."

"I know, but I can't force her to talk to you if she doesn't want to."

"Do you think she's safe with him?"

I sigh, the truth is that no, I don't think she's safe with him, but I can't say that to her, not if she has any chance of staying clean, "I'll make sure she is."

"I haven't been much of a mother to her, I know that. But I've always loved her, and I want to make it up to her. I miss her."

"Then why do you keep hurting her?" I know it's unfair of me to ask that question, but I want to hear her answer, I want her to take responsibility for her actions.

"I don't know..."

Now I feel sorry for her all over again, I know she's had a tough life, tougher than anything I've had to live through. So I try to change the subject, "Where are you living now?"

"I got a cheap apartment near the high school, my sister helped me out with the deposit. She even helped me pick up a few waitressing shifts. It's not much but it's a start. I'm serious about this Irene, I'm serious when I say I want to get Alex back one day."

"I know..." I let my voice drift off, because deep down I know how hard it will be for her to ever get her daughter back.

The last week with Desi has felt robotic. I put all my effort into having as little contact with him as possible, without making him angry. I answer his questions when he speaks to me, but I never start talking to him first. I say please and thank you, and I head straight to my bedroom after dinner. It has been amazing to see Irene every night, I can't believe she's actually managing to squeeze in daily visits, she must be working some long hours.

Desi has the most sour look on his face every time she comes through the front door, but he can't say anything about it. It's actually pretty hilarious. He never says anything to me about Irene, which suits me perfectly. The combination of seeing Irene every night and having that mobile phone has made me feel so much better. Plus, still getting to see Piper at school has been amazing. I really hope her parents let her stay at Litchfield even after the trial period is over. I don't want to think about what it would feel like to go weeks at a time without seeing her.

It's the middle of the week and I'm about to head towards my bedroom for the night when I hear Desi open the front door. It doesn't take long before I hear his voice, which is dripping with disdain.

"You can't be here Diane."

I know it's been close to three years since Desi and my mum have seen each other, but he obviously still recognises her. I'd be amazed if she actually recognised him properly, given she used to be high most of the time. She must have gotten Desi's address from Irene. But I'm surprised Irene would give it to her. Who knows, she probably looked up the address without Irene even knowing.

"I'm allowed to see my daughter under supervision."

"Yeah, except she doesn't wanna see you. So turn around and leave."

I keep standing in the hallway and listen to every word they exchange. Desi never asked me if I wanted to see her, he just doesn't want to let her in the house. Part of me feels like I should be running towards that front door, that by hiding in the hallway I'm somehow picking Desi over my mum. But I can't do it, I still can't bring myself to see her, to talk to her. It makes me feel almost sick, the fact that I'm thankful for Desi keeping her out of the house.

I take a few more steps down the hallway so I can hear them better. I immediately hear Diane's voice again.

"She doesn't even know I'm here, you're not turning me away before you've asked her if she wants to see me."

I don't need to see his face to know how angry he is right now. I watch as he takes a step closer to Diane, "Get off my property, now."

"ALEX!"

I flinch as soon as I hear her yelling for me, but I still don't let her see me.

"Shut the fuck up and get out of here!"

I take a deep breath and muster up the courage to look towards the front door. I can see her trying to push past him, but he's blocking the whole doorway, she has no hope of getting past him. I keep watching as he shoves her back, I can't see her anymore. Something tells me to move and I finally walk as fast as I can to the doorway. I don't think either of them have noticed me, they're both on the porch, still shouting.

"She's still my daughter!"

"You're got one minute to get out of here before I call the cops!"

She looks so lost, and in that one moment I feel so sorry for her. I'm not sure if she deserves it, but I need to reach out to her, even if she broke my heart.

"Mum, wait!"

They both finally see me. Diane's eyes light up, while Desi gets more frustrated. He turns towards me, trying to stop me from getting too close to Diane.

"Get back in the house!"

I don't have the energy to shout, "No, let me talk to her."

"Alex, just listen to me for once and go inside!"

I take another step forward, "No! You know you can't stop me from seeing her, so just let her come inside."

He looks so angry, but he knows that if I want to see her, and if she's sober, he can't stop her from coming to visit me. And given how closely Irene is watching him, he knows he can't afford to make any mistakes.

He takes a few steps towards me, "You do not leave this house, understand?"

"I get it. We'll go into my room and talk, just for 10 minutes, then she can leave."

His eyes stay fixed on Diane as she walks past him into the house. Soon we're all standing in the hallway and he's inches away from Diane when he speaks, "You've got ten minutes, then I'm coming into that room and throwing you out of this house."

She doesn't say anything as she follows me up the stairs and into my room. I close the door and find myself sitting next to her on my bed. I don't know what to say to her, I'm waiting for her to start the conversation.

"How is he treating you?"

I almost laugh, "Why are you asking?"

I look at her, her eyes are glassy, she looks exhausted, "I'm asking because I'm worried about you."

I look away from her and stare straight ahead, "I find that hard to believe."

I close my eyes and breathe in sharply as soon as I feel her hand on top of mine.

"I know I don't deserve any more of your forgiveness. I am so, so sorry for ever agreeing to visit Lee. I promise I won't see him again."

All I can do is sigh, "I don't believe you."

There's a long silence, I know I've hurt her, but I don't believe her when she says she'll never see Lee again. She needs to prove herself to me all over again, I need her to understand that.

"I was so desperate to find you, and I was willing to forgive you for pretty much everything. I really missed you when you went into rehab, I thought you missed me too. But then the first thing you do as soon as you're out is visit that asshole."

I can hear her crying next to me, but I keep staring straight ahead, "How could you do that to me?"

Now her silence makes me angry and I stand up and face her, "I'm actually asking you! How could you do that to me?"

"I don't know... Baby I'm so sorry. I spent so many years with him, it was hard to say no."

Deep down I know she's just another one of his victims, but it's still not good enough. Yeah, I know he treated her like crap, but he never put his cigarettes out on her, that much I know. She was just his pawn. She was an addict, she was weak, she had no one, and he knew exactly how to trap her. But fuck, I was a kid, he didn't need to go to any extra effort to trap me. I had no where else to go anyway.

"Why didn't you ever protect me from him?"

It kills me to ask her that question, but I want some honesty from at least one of my parents.

She manages to stop crying enough so that she can answer my question, "I tried...I tried so many times, but I couldn't stop him."

I can feel the tears stinging in the back of my eyes but I try to hold it together, "You didn't try hard enough..."

I sit back down on the bed and take a deep breath. I don't know what to think about everything she did in the past, but I know I still love her. I'm just not ready to tell her that.

"I'm really tired, please just go. Maybe we can talk again in a couple of days."

I look across and see her nod, and I let our eyes meet. She still looks tired, and it makes me want to give her one more message, "Don't go back to using...I know things aren't great at the moment, but please don't fucking choose drugs over me again."

She keeps sniffling, "I won't, I promise I will never use again."

We both stand up, and I feel her reach out and grab my hands, "Can I hug you?"

I don't say anything and instead I let myself lean into her, I feel myself relax, and it's scary how good this feels.

We keep hugging and I feel her kiss the top of my head, "I love you Alex."

I don't say it back, I just keep hugging her.

Desi doesn't say anything when Diane leaves. He goes back to watching TV and I go back to my room. It's not late, and I really need someone to talk to. I sit on the floor and lean against my bed while I dial Piper's number. It keeps ringing for so long, I worry she won't answer. I'm so relieved when I finally hear her voice.

"Alex, is everything okay?"

I stop myself from telling her I'm fine, I need to accept that I'm calling her because I'm not fine.

It takes a moment but I finally find my voice, but it's shakey, "Not really..."

I close my eyes and wait for her voice, "What happened?"

I'm worried when I hear Alex's words ringing in my ear.

Not really...

At first I assume it's got something to do with Desi, but I'm wrong. It's about Diane. I wait patiently for Alex to explain everything to me. But her voice is so broken, it takes her a while to finish talking. She sounds lost, all I want to do is go to her.

"Shit, Alex that's insane, what happened when she left?"

"Nothing, she told me she loved me, then she left. I stayed in my room, but I'm sure Desi gave her a hard time on her way out."

I'm desperately trying to think of the right thing to say, but I feel like words are never enough in these situations. This is the type of moment when she needs to be hugged, when I need to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her everything will be okay. But I'm stuck in my parents house, and for the first time since moving back here I feel trapped. At least if I was still at Desi's I'd be with her, and if I was still with Irene I could probably visit her. But there's nothing I can do from my parents house. I haven't told them about my relationship with Alex, they wouldn't understand. But aside from that, I'm petrified they'd stop me from seeing her.

"Al, I'm so sorry. She shouldn't have just showed up like that, it's not fair on you. I know she's fucked up so much, but she loves you. And I love you."

I can hear Alex's voice cracking, I know she's crying.

"Al, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but everything will be okay. We gotta keep focusing on the good things. I know she fucked up but she still managed to get through rehab, she's got a place to live, and she's not using. That counts for something."

Her voice is so quiet, I can barely hear her, "I know. I know she loves me, I know she's trying, but the fact that she visited Lee...Fuck Pipes, I can't deal with it."

She finally lets herself cry, and now I can feel my own tears slowly rolling down my cheeks.

"I know..."

I let her cry, I'm so fucking frustrated that I'm not with her. I can't stand the idea of her being all alone when she's this upset. I need to be strong for her, so many times when I'd cry about my own mum, she made me feel better. I am determined to make her feel better, even if I can't physically be there with her.

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"I still have your sketchbook. I keep it on my bed side table, I flick through it every night before I go to sleep. You're so talented Al, everything in this book is beautiful. Even Cal was impressed, and it's usually impossible to get him to look at anything that's not a comic book."

I'm so relieved when I hear a small laugh come down the line, "Sounds like he has good taste."

"He does okay for a little brother. Maybe you can come visit us one weekend and meet him, I've told him all about you. I can definitely see the two of you getting along."

"Deal."

I close my eyes and picture her smiling, "You should try reading something before you go to sleep. Reading always helps you relax."

"I guess, but it's not as relaxing as talking to you."

Now I'm smiling, "Then let's keep talking."

I have no idea how long we spend talking, 30 minutes, maybe an hour. I can hear her getting tired. It's not that late, but the emotional exhaustion has finally caught up with her.

"Are you ready to try and sleep?"

Even though she sounds tired, her voice isn't strained anymore, it sounds calm.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired. But I wish you were here with me."

"Me too. I love you Al."

"Love you too Pipes, goodnight."

A/N

I'm genuinely curious to know what people think of Diane, let me know your thoughts.

Cheers.