William had escorted me to a secluded corner of the party, where we sat side by side on the sofa, facing each other, hands entwined. The background noise of chattering party guests had diluted to a dull buzz; instead, I focussed on the soft, comforting sound of William's breathing.
Alive and breathing, I thought tearfully.
Without thinking, I placed a tremulous hand on his heart, relishing the feeling of its steady, melodic beat. William quirked an eyebrow in slight confusion, yet that beautiful, fond smile of his still lovingly graced his lips. I looked up into those azure orbs I knew so intimately well.
"Before I begin…" My hand paved a gentle path up from his chest, to caress his cheek. "I need you to know how much I love you, William. I really… love you."
"Gosh, this does sound serious!" William chuckled lightly, yet I saw a flicker of concern in his eyes. His fingers enclosed over mine. "But never fret, Elizabeth… I do know. And I hope you know how much I love you - with every beat of my heart."
My tears threatened to spill over.
"And whatever it is you wish you to tell me… I promise you, nothing will ever change that."
My poor William - he has no idea. I can only pray that that's the honest truth… no matter what.
Why am I already on the brink of crying?It was almost as if I was preserving these last precious moments with William, before our perfect, pretend, rose-hued reality was shattered forever. Even seeing his smile was painful.
"I'm leaving London." I blurted out. "Tonight." I heard William's shocked intake of breath, saw the naked pain and confusion etched in his eyes.
"…Leaving?" His voice was soft, disbelieving. But subsequently, a look of determination lit up his face. "Dearest Elizabeth, whatever it is that calls you away so urgently… we can face it, together." Dear God, he's truly breaking my heart…
" - I'm leaving, and… and you can't come with me."
William's sunny smile faded; his face visibly fell, shock and hurt washing over his features.
"…I - I don't understand…"
"And I don't think you ever will," I said softly, as my tears swiftly began to fall. Instinctively, William reached up to gently wipe away my tears, yet the broken expression on his face only made the tears fall faster. Much to my horror, I looked down and noticed that my pendant had begun… glowing. My words tumbled out in a garbled rush.
"William, do you remember the day we met?"
He nodded mutely.
"Well… remember how I told you I'm a traveller, of sorts?" I asked rhetorically, before hastily ploughing on with my blurted confession. "When I said I'd travelled here from America… I lied. Not about the America part - but how far I've actually come. I'm from America…" I took a deep breath. "In the twenty-first century."
I was met with a stunned silence.
"I'm from the future. Your future, specifically."
Once again, silence hung in the air. William stared at me, agape. "…Is this some kind of elaborate joke? Some… some ploy to hurt me?"
"Do I look like I'm joking, William?" I clutched his hands desperately, unable to veil the exasperation in my voice. His hands were limp in my grasp.
"I don't know what to believe any more…"
"But, you know that I would never hurt you, right? William, this whole time, I… I've been trying to protect you -"
"Protect me?" William laughed without humour, as he rose to his feet and began pacing like a caged animal. "Protect me from what? From… from you wanting to leave me? Which you think you can dress up in the notion that time-travel - oh God, time-travel - really exists?! Do you really think me such a fool, Elizabeth?" William stopped in his tracks and gazed down at me, suddenly tearful. "Do you think that because I am a bad, simpering poet with his heart on his sleeve and his head in the clouds that I will believe such… such madness?"
"William -" My words caught on the sob rising in my throat.
"Tell me, Elizabeth - did you ever truly love me at all?" William whispered, as a single tear wet his chiselled cheek.
Electrified by a sudden spark of determination, I abruptly stood and pulled his face to mine, kissing him fiercely. This'll give him his answer. I tasted tears: his and mine. As I pulled away, I looked deep into his eyes.
"More than anything. And that's why, William… you just have to believe me."
Seemingly stirred by the ferocity of my kiss, William resumed his seated position on the sofa. He gazed at me expectantly, lips swollen and eyes shining with unshed tears.
I sat down beside him, our knees touching. "Look, I know this sounds crazy. But very soon, you're…"
Okay, how can I put this without totally freaking him out?! I can't just casually inform him that he'll be bitten, and then become a blood-sucking demon that terrorises the world for over a century… As then he'll 100% run a country
Jeez, why am I making this sound so poetic? "And she's going to help you to become… changed."
"Another woman?! And changed… how?" William's tone was still layered with baffled disbelief, but he was now at least listening to what I had to say.
"Look, I hate to sound like a rip-off fortune teller, but that's just something you're gonna have to find out for yourself. And trust me, you will. What I can tell you though…" I chose my next words carefully, "is that this change will make you… immortal. Which is how you'll end up meeting me back in my time - well, forward in my time, to be precise."
William looked dumbfounded. "Immortal…?" His voice was soft, his gaze searching. "Do you really expect me to believe all this, Elizabeth?"
"Well, do you believe in fate? In true love?"
"With all my heart," he vowed solemnly.
"Then you need to believe that I love you, William - and that I'm telling the truth. And that fate has brought us together, in both your century and my own." I reached up to softly brush away his tears with the pads of my fingers. "Also… the more you think about it, it does all make some kind of sense." A giggle escaped through my own tears. "The reason I speak and act so differently -"
"You do say the strangest things, sometimes," William echoed in agreement, a fond, watery smile playing on his lips. "-
"You're…" Again, I had to choose my words carefully. "You're very different…" I breathed, reminiscing dreamily about Spike. "But also, in many ways, you're still the same. The same William I've fallen in love with… here, in 1880: a hundred years before I was even born."
William couldn't hide the the proud flush which stained his cheeks. "And are you… uh, well-acquainted with me? How well exactly do you know this… this future version of myself?" He still clearly couldn't quite believe the words which were leaving his mouth.
"Intimately well."
Those two words clearly spoke volumes. William visibly swallowed. "…Oh.""Yeah," I replied sheepishly. "To put it bluntly… you are the 'forbidden love' I was telling you about."
William's eyes widened. "Goodness…" he laughed weakly. 'I never imagined myself to be anywhere near irresistible enough to be someone's forbidden love, of all things…"
"Trust me, you are." I said softly. "So, the question is: do you believe me now?"
William shook his head slightly, dazed, as if awakening from a dream. "Perhaps I am a fool…as, despite the defiance of all science and logic, somehow I do believe you." He took my hands momentously in his. "And I believe in our love. Besides," he grinned wryly. "Believing that these unfathomable tales you're telling are somehow the truth, is certainly better than the alternative. I cannot bear the thought of losing you…" he trailed off. My pendant suddenly began glowing even brighter; William glanced down, his brow furrowed with bemused curiosity. "Elizabeth… your necklace -"
"- is actually my ride home." I squeezed his hands tightly, my expression pleading.
Please understand, William. Please understand…"It's an enchanted pendant, which will summon a time portal to appear - the same one which brought me here in the first place. This'll then take me back to the future - "
"An enchanted pendant… a time portal?" William's voice was incredulous. "Now I really have heard it all…"
"And I think that, whatever it's doing right now," I gestured to the surrounding golden glow. "It must mean that the portal will be appearing very soon. So, our time's almost up." I finished truthfully, my tone gentle and pacifying.
"Wait… so, you're leaving right now?"
"I'm afraid I have to, William."
My heart broke even further as I saw fresh tears filling his eyes, his lower lip quivering.
Oh no…"You're… you're really leaving me?"
"Only until we find each other again!" I soothed, tenderly wrapping my arms around him. And then, an urgent afterthought. "Although… it'd be best not to mention our, um, history - when we do eventually meet. The circumstances between us…" Hm. How do I put this… "They're very different, at first. Mentioning anything about the past could lead to all sorts of confused-ness in our timeline. Besides," I chuckled darkly. "I'd never believe you - not in a million years."
Especially not when we were both constantly trying to kill each other…What can I say - romance ain't dead!William jerked away from my embrace, a sudden sob ripping from his throat. "So, you're telling me that…" he trailed off, seemingly unable to comprehend the magnitude of his next words. "You're leaving me… here, without you, for over a hundred years… and that when, after a century of tormented heartbreak, I'm finally reunited with my long, lost love… I have to - what? Pretend that we are mere strangers?" His face crumpled as he started to cry, uncaring about who saw and heard. My heart literally feels like it's snapping in two…
"Can't I come with you?" his voice was suddenly hopeful, edged with manic desperation.
"You know that could never be possible, William," I replied sadly, my tears now freely cascading down my cheeks. "But please…" I tried my best to get my words out legibly, through my hiccuping sobs. "Please try to always remember that I love you… and that me, the Buffy standing before you right now, who you met in London 1880, who remembers everything… and can finally admit how she feels… I'll be there waiting for you. Eventually." I placed a lingering kiss on his cheek, knowing this was our final goodbye. "And I'll love you just as much then as I do now. One day, William, you'll see me again… I promise." William seemed temporarily lulled by my impassioned plea, yet a stormy anger soon flashed bright in his ocean eyes. "So, I was right; Elizabeth isn't even your real name."
That's what he picked up on?!"No," I sighed. Caught out on yet another lie. "Buffy isn't just a nickname - it's my real, actual name. People always assume it's short for Elizabeth, so…"
"And why did you come here in the first place, Buffy? What was the real reason?" I could hear Spike's signature temper flaring in William's voice.
"I can't tell you," My shoulders slumped defeatedly. "Not yet, William. Believe me, it's for the best -"
"As from where I'm standing," William cut in, aptly rising to his feet, albeit shakily. "You have fed me lie upon lie ever since the day I met you. Elizabeth - Buffy, our entire relationship has been built on lies." His words were wracked with anguish. I sat in solemn silence, allowing each verbal blow to assault me; he was right. And, once again, I had single-handedly forged a whole world of wrong.
"You let me fall in love with you…" His voice suddenly transformed to a barely audible, broken whisper. "Only to… to rip my heart out!""William, please… please forgive me," I wept openly. "I fell in love with you too; all these months, I was right there with you. I know I lied, but the way I feel about you… God, it's the only tangible truth in my life."
And I truly meant every last syllable.Breathing raggedly through his tears, without warning, William feverishly devoured my lips in a frenzied, passionate kiss, pulling me flush against his body. My hands tangled familiarly in his hair, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. We kissed endlessly, as if starved and crazed. We kissed and kissed, as if the world was ending.
In some ways, it is.When we eventually pulled away, lungs gasping for air, he tremulously pulled a small black box from his jacket pocket.
Oh God…He opened the box with trembling hands, only to reveal the most heart-stoppingly beautiful diamond ring I'd ever seen.
Oh God, oh God, oh God…"I was going to ask you to marry me, Elizabeth."
I smiled up at him sadly. "Were the circumstances different, I'd definitely have said yes." I could feel the glowing pendant beginning to burn my skin. Not painfully, but definitely noticeably.
William weakly returned my smile, before snapping the box shut. "In another life, perhaps."
"I certainly hope so." My words were radiant with love and sincerity. Despite my consoling, honest words, William's face twisted in torment. "My life with you here… my plans for our future… they - I… I feel as if I have been robbed. Our beautiful life together has been stolen away from me - from us."
I drank him in, my heart revelling in the tangy sweetness of sorrow. That chiselled, perfect face; from impeccable cheekbones and strong jaw, to that sinfully full mouth and those beautiful, sad eyes of his. The unruly curls which adorably fell into his eyes: a curious hue between golden blonde and mousey brown. His smartly dressed, gentlemanly stature, his melodious, honey-toned voice and soft, genteel accent. His pure, loving, beating heart. His soul. Spike's true soul…
"I have to go," William murmured suddenly, fiercely wiping his eyes and nose. "I simply cannot be here any longer. This is all too much… too much… our future - gone," He was speaking almost to himself, hastily placing the ring box back into his pocket, and gazing at me through glazed eyes.
"William, please… will you remember all I've told you? Promise me you'll always remember -"
"I must go, Elizabeth," he repeated wildly, evidently adamant on still using my most familiar name. "Frankly, I… I cannot bear to watch you leave."
"I understand, William, but -"
His breathing had become laboured, and fresh tears had begun to fall; he was clearly having some sort of panic attack.
"This is all too much, I… I cannot bear it, I…"
"William!" I called his name pleadingly as he suddenly turned and fled the room. Cursing under my breath, I lifted my long skirts and followed blindly, pushing my way through the disgruntled crowd: a sea of fastidious faces.
There are some things I definitely won't miss about this era…Like Spike, William was whippy, agile and surprisingly fast; I'd already lost sight of him as I weaved hurriedly through the crowd. Once I'd made my way outside, I glanced around frantically; the cobbled streets on either side seemed eerily desolate.
"William?" I called his name desperately, knowing I was running out of time.
I don't want to leave it like this. I can't leave him alone like this… I made the snap-decision to follow the road to my left, and began to haphazardly run. My stupid shoes were hindering my speed, so I took them off, flinging them behind me in irritation. After running a while barefoot, calling my lost love's name, I eventually turned a sharp corner, finding myself in a dimly lit alleyway.
Back to where it all started…Although suddenly, I was floored by a powerful beam of golden light which radiated from my pendant. I lay on the hard, cobbled ground, panting violently, and shielding my eyes with my hand. As I peered dazedly through my fingers, I saw it.
There it is. The soddin' time portal.Inwardly laughing at my uncharacteristic dialect (looks like I've turned into a Londoner, after all!), I rose shakily to my feet. It was now or never. The image of William's beloved face, etched with pain and despair as he ran from me, made my heart feel heavy. In fact, I felt numb all over.
Please be waiting for me, William. Please, my love.
"…Buffy? Buffy - oh my God!"
I found myself suddenly suffocated by a giant bear-hug. I was lying on the floor, feeling disorientated to say the least. I looked down curiously at the soft, red hair which tickled my nose, as I returned the welcomed embrace.
Wow. I forgot how much hugs are majorly preferable to goddamn curtsies… "Willow?"
"It's been almost three months, Buffy!" She hurriedly pulled me to my feet. And were those… tears, in her eyes?
Well, I've certainly cried enough tears to last me a lifetime… Also - three months?! Why does she look so confused?
"What?" Willow looked genuinely dumbfounded. "How did you even get here, Buffy? Into my room, I mean?"
"…the time portal?" Now it was my turned to look confused.
"Time portal? What time portal?" Willow's tone became increasingly aggravated, whilst I sank even deeper into a state of incredibly confused… confusion. "Seriously, Buffy, where have you been? We've all been worried sick. No texts, no calls - your phone kept going to voicemail! And -" she finally registered my appearance, and did a dramatic double take. "What are you wearing?"
"Hello? You're the one who picked it out for me!" I was starting to get annoyed. Why she was greeting me after my long, gruelling venture with this whole 'memory loss' act was beyond me. "Remember? 'Upstanding Victorian citizen', over here?"
"I'm gonna have to call Giles," Willow bit her lip worriedly.
My heart sank. "Before you call him, Will… there's something I need to tell you."
Ya know, I'm not even sorry.
This is my life. Own
"I failed the mission." I spoke loudly and clearly, squaring my shoulders and sticking my chin out defiantly. "In fact, I failed it by epic proportions… which I'll fill you in on later. But the point is, you were wrong. You were both wrong… even asking me to do this in the first place; it was fucked up, Willow."
Willow's eyes widened; her expression was unreadable.
"And… and I hate myself for even pretending to be even slightly okay with it. Deep down, I knew I could never do it, but…" I shuddered. "The fact that it even crossed my mind haunts me. Just 'cos I was afraid… afraid and ashamed of what you'd all think - my closest friends - what you'd think of me, what you'd say. But I'm gonna prove you all wrong, I swear. And… and I'm gonna protect him!" My impassioned words were tumbling out now, accompanied by painful emotions that brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. "I won't let any of you lay a finger on William - let alone kill him -"
"Buffy, wait - calm down," Willow placed a soothing hand on my shoulder. "We really need to take you to see Giles."
"Will, you're meant to be my best friend… do you really have nothing to say? Didn't you hear what I just said, about the mission - to kill William?"
"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, Buffy," Willow replied gently, her face etched with worry. "What mission? Besides, who even is this William guy?"
No.I stared at Willow, wide-eyed, white as a sheet.
No, no, no…
Please, God, no…I collapsed onto the floor, my body convulsing with heartbroken sobs.
I felt sick. I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt like I was falling. I felt like I was hovering outside my body, watching it all happen.
All my worst fears have come true. I fucked it. My Spike, my William, erased from existence… and it's all my fault. I'm never going to see him again.
I've lost him forever."I've lost him, Willow…" I hiccuped between sobs. "I love him… and I never got to tell him. He never got to know…"
I was so immersed in my tears, tortured thoughts and shattering heart, that I didn't hear the front door slam, nor the slow footsteps which scuffed the stairs.
"Who, Buffy?" Willow probed gently, petting my hair. "Please tell me - it breaks my heart to see you like this…"
I can't bear to live in a world where Spike doesn't exist. "
"Spike?" William echoed, her voice laced with shock and confusion.
"That's my name, don't wear it out."
Great, now I'm hallucinating.I closed my eyes, basking in the rough drawl of that velvety British voice I knew so intimately well.
He sounds so near… so real…
I lifted my tear-stained face to confront the empty air which cruelly inhabited his voice - and my heart stopped.
There, standing in the doorway was an achingly, heartbreakingly familiar figure.
His lips quirked into his signature, irresistible half-smile. "S'been a while, pet."