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Chapter 27

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 27. Hope you enjoy! Don't think I need any specific trigger warnings here, but let me know if you think of something that should be noted!

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Christmas passed by in a blur, both women independently deciding not to even mention the holiday. It had always been weird for Liv when she was younger, holidays with just her and her mom, and Alex had a whole slew of reasons not to celebrate, so to save the anxiety and the overall awkward atmosphere, the cop and the attorney ordered Chinese food and silently looked forward to the day being over.

It had only been a few days since Alex's solo session with Kimani, and they'd discussed vaguely what had happened during the appointment, but Alex chose to keep the details to herself, including the packet of touch exercises she was to do on her own. She wasn't entirely opposed to the idea, but she wasn't ready to entertain the notion of standing in front of a mirror and talking to herself tenderly as she delicately caressed her arm and tried not to laugh at herself—or cry at the ridiculousness of the fairly pathetic situation she'd found herself in.

Diving back into the D'Agostino case was helpful because it allowed her to be productive and focus on other people, two things that brought her comfort when she wasn't in the headspace to confront her own demons. Watching Huang interview the boys was a strange experience—the doctor was always careful with victims, but still, Tommy Jiang especially eyed the man as if he were out to get all three of them. Was everyone an enemy to them now?

Liv approached the observation window, turning on the speaker so she could get an update on what was happening in the interview room. "How's it going?"

"It's…going," she concluded after some hesitation. "Huang is getting helpful information, but I'm worried about what Kressler is going to do on cross. He's good at getting experts to put their feet in their mouths."

"Well, so are you," Benson pointed out with a small smile, nudging the other woman's elbow with her own. "There's only so much you can plan for, you know," she said softly.

"My fear is that no amount of preparation is going to keep your average jury from being prejudiced against these boys. Kressler is going to paint them as atheist troublemakers, out for revenge after they were caught defacing the chapel. They might as well have spray painted Jesus, himself, Liv. I mean, they accused a priest. We all know abuse is pervasive in the Church, but no one wants to talk about it. Is a jury really going to convict him?" she questioned with a slow shake of the head. "Kressler's abhorrent deal might be my only chance at this creep having a rap sheet, but…I just don't know if I can look into those boys' eyes and tell them that he's being charged with a class B misdemeanor. They have so much hope."

"Which is why you decided to go to trial. "

Alex nodded, watching her girlfriend turn off the speaker—she had heard enough during their conversation. "I'm not sure my hesitance to accept a plea is based on the winning power of this case though. A year probation is not justice. These boys deserve justice."

Olivia could read the melancholy expression on her face. "You deserved justice."

Cabot should have seen this coming. She crossed her arms over her chest somewhat defensively, a less than genuine chuckle escaping her. "Oh, no, don't make this about me, Liv. It's so different. They're—"

"—children. They're children, Alex. Children who were betrayed by the very person who was supposed to be protecting them, guiding them. Their innocence and sense of safety was stolen at far too young of an age."

"But they're not me." Her voice was quiet, resigned.

"Of course not," the brunette acknowledged. "But posttraumatic stress is all about association, the connect the dots your brain solved to process a hell of a lot of bad in very few years. Look at Tommy with Huang, Al. Look at all the interactions we've had with the boys over the last few months. One minute they're laughing like regular kids and the next they can't even eat. They're children. And they survived horrible violence. Your connection to them could be valuable. If you can't see yourself in that, my love, if you can't recognize that this case is always going to be personal, then you're not looking. This isn't the time to be poised, put together ADA Cabot. This is the time to be human, Al. To be angry, badass Alex. Fight for the justice they deserve. You know how badly they deserve it. Do it for them. Do it for you."

"You're right," the attorney sighed. "You always are."

The process continued to chug along, and the pressure was on as jury selection was nearly upon them, and Alex knew this had a high likelihood of changing the outcome of the upcoming trial. She worked on her strategy for her case in chief for hours in the morning and the evening, until the date on a document she was typing up struck her.

"Hey, Liv, we're meeting with Kimani tomorrow," she started, entering the bedroom at close to midnight on a Sunday, "and I haven't gone through reasons yet. You up to helping me?" At the sight of the older woman rolling over and yawning, Alex shook her head, holding up her palm in front of her body to stop Benson's response. "Never mind, baby. I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll go work on it in the kitchen."

"Hey," the detective coaxed gently, sitting up in bed. "Slow down a minute, sweetie. Lie down with me. You need to recharge your battery before you burn out." She beckoned the blonde over, turning down the comforter beside her. "There's no rush for you to go through the healthy and unhealthy reasons for sex, Al."

"I'm not rushing," the ADA claimed, giving in to Olivia's request and sitting on the bed, "I just want to do the things Kimani suggests." The woman was breathless, having had strode into the room, and she hadn't been paying attention to the timing of her inhalations as she spoke. "I want to be able to talk about this tomorrow."

Olivia wiped the last of the sleep from her eyes, reaching out to wrap her fingers around her girlfriend's thigh, letting her thumb stroke lines into Alex's pajama pants. "I'm happy to talk about this with you, my sweet, but I feel like you're running on nothing but external pressure right now, and that's not healthy."

"There's internal pressure too," she admitted sheepishly, leaning her head back against the headboard. "Here's the thing, Liv," she continued, humming in response to the feeling of the other woman scooting to be closer to her. "With this trial, it's just easier to go, go, go than to stop for long enough to think about it. So, I guess that's where my urgency comes from. Being productive keeps me sane."

Olivia nodded. "I know, sweetheart. But you're running on fumes." She tucked some hair behind Alex's ear. "Are you in the right headspace tonight to talk about sex? You've been eating, sleeping, and breathing an egregious sex crime non-stop for days."

The younger woman took a steadying breath, intertwining her fingers with Liv's. "Honey, if I told you that I'm really okay, would you believe me?"

"I always believe you."

"Because I've been having moments, of course, but even when I'm having a hard time, this—being with you, working through everything…reminds me that I'm okay, that I'm safe. That this isn't work I have to do—it's work that I get to do. With you." She rested her head against Liv's shoulder for a few moments, and the brunette hummed, kissing the crown of her head. "You know why I think I'm almost ready to have sex with you, or at least try?"

"Why?" Benson inquired softly.

"Because when the voice in my head tells me that sex is something I have to do, an obligation if I want you to stay, your voice takes over immediately, like I have the devil and the angel living over my shoulder. And you're the angel," she clarified, "reminding me that it's always my choice. You know how that makes me feel?" Liv expected "safe" or "loved", but instead Alex said, "Powerful. It makes me feel powerful. And I might not be ready today, or tomorrow, but when I am, I get to connect with you, I get to touch you—and because I want to. I can't always turn off my drill sergeant, but I can turn your voice up, and I can listen to my own."

Olivia squeezed the other woman tightly to her. "Did you practice that speech?"

She shook her head in the negative. "I don't live in dream world either, Liv," she recognized aloud. "I'm going to struggle. I know it's not going to be easy. And I'll also spend some time in the morning going through good and bad reasons in depth because I want to have an understanding of where I am. But I know I want this for the right reasons. What do you think?"

"About…?"

"About trying sooner rather than later, about what I said. Anything, really. I've been rambling like crazy."

"No, I like listening to you talk," Liv assured her, squeezing her hand. "Your wisdom is something to behold." She paused for a beat. "I'm looking forward to talking about this with Kimani tomorrow. I trust your judgement, love, but you know I'm always going to worry, so any thoughts she can give us will help."

"Mhm," Alex agreed. "And we don't have to commit to anything yet, or ever, really," she promised softly. "But do you want to? Try, I mean?"

Benson sat up further on the bed, nudging her girlfriend's chin upwards with the knuckle of her forefinger and allowing their foreheads to meet. "Of course I do," she whispered, her hand coming to rest against a pale cheek. "So much," she continued. "I'm not immune to desire, baby, and I'm sorry if you've doubted how much I want you. But like we talked about last week, I'm healing too, and my biggest fear is making you feel at all unsafe."

"You promise me you're not going anywhere every single day. And I'm going to promise you every day that you make me feel nothing but safe. And eventually, our stubborn minds will start to believe it, honey, I promise." She let her pinky finger travel the distance from the bridge of Liv's nose to the tip, replacing the digit with her lips afterwards. "I trust you with my life, Olivia."

Both women were anxious to see Kimani the next afternoon. "Alex, did you share with Olivia anything about our session last week?" she asked to start them out.

"Was I supposed to?" Had she failed a test?

"Not necessarily. I'm just curious about whether it came up."

Alex nodded. She didn't need to try to impress their therapist. She was on their side. Safe. "I just told her that we talked about my insecurities and some next steps."

"Okay. No need to be more detailed than that. I was just curious." She took a note, smiling softly. "Okay, Alex, are you ready to talk about your work from this week? Were you able to do it? I know you're busy."

"Yeah, Liv and I talked last night a bit, and I was thinking this morning in arraignment before my case came up."

"Great," Kimani said genuinely. "What would you like to share?"

"So, I came to the conclusion," she started, looking to Olivia for support, and the brunette wrapped her hand around Alex's clammy one—she hated that therapy still made her so nervous, but she tried to grant herself compassion around it— "that even though sometimes my drill sergeant rears his ugly head, my motivations are based on a desire to connect and the fact that it feels like a natural step to move forward some time soon. I can't promise you that I don't sometimes have pop-up thoughts that are less than healthy, but I've been doing fairly well changing the narrative and reminding myself that I never have to have sex again if I don't want to. But I do want to."

Kimani nodded. "Sounds like you did some great work. Olivia, what do you think about all this?"

"You know me," she said, attempting to laugh it off. "Worry, worry, worry. In all honesty though," she pivoted, "I feel better about the idea of trying at some point. I'm interested in your thoughts though."

"Sure. Well, ultimately, Olivia, it's your choice and Alex's, but based on what Alex has shared today, I would say that as long as you can make a plan and communicate openly with each other, it should be helpful for you both to see how far you can go and what you're comfortable with. I feel okay giving you a green light, but there is one thing I'd like to see happen first. Olivia, I'd love to see you without Alex next week if you're up for it."

"Are…are you sure that's really necessary?" Benson stammered.

The therapist smiled. "It's up to you. I just know that often times individuals have concerns they'd like to discuss without their partner present, at least as they start to open up. I think your situation warrants as much as support as Alex's does, if that's what you're unsure about. And I'd like to give you an opportunity to explore your specific concerns, since Alex had that chance last week."

Olivia bit her lip. "It's just...I wasn't..."

"I know, Olivia. But rape isn't the only sexual trauma. Growing up in the environment you did has affected you, and Alex is right that you deserve to work through it all with me just as much as she does."

Alex laid her hand over her girlfriend's arm, lowering her voice. "Remember what we talked about, baby. You deserve this too."

The older woman nodded.

The week seemed to go by in a flash, and before she knew it, the cop was sitting across from a woman she greatly respected, responding to questions she wasn't sure she was worthy of answering. But she kept reminding herself of Alex, of the earnest way in which she had spent the past weeks making her feel deserving of help.

"How are the touch exercises going for you?" Kimani asked her at one point.

"They're hard sometimes," she admitted.

"How so?"

"I'm always so worried that Alex is uncomfortable, and then sometimes I'm…I'm turned on by how she looks or feels a sound she makes or the look in her eyes, and…guilt…just washes over me, and I don't know what to do."

"Do you stop when that happens?" the LMFT questioned gently.

"Sometimes. I usually try to work through it, the same way Alex works through her anxiety, but I can't always," she said.

"That sounds frustrating."

"It does make me upset. But mostly because I know she trusts me, and I know I would never touch her if…if I thought even for a second that she didn't want me to. But I doubt myself. And I love her so much."

"I think the fact that you two discuss your love for each other is very significant. It provides an amazing foundation for your relationship."

Olivia nodded. "It's just always on my mind. I guess I'm just angry."

"Can you tell me more about that?" Kimani asked.

The detective sighed. Though love was always there in her thoughts, outright rage often lingered right behind, reminding her that she had an important role to play and she had to get it right. "She just deserves so much better than she's gotten. And I'm committed to giving that to her."

"Your dedication to respecting Alex's boundaries is admirable, Olivia. But what about yours?" the therapist questioned, wanting to get her client to think about what she deserved in their relationship.

Benson was confused. "What do you mean?'

"Let me ask you this." Kimani leaned forward in her chair. "Are you ever more physical with Alex than you're comfortable with because it's something she wants?"

"No." She thought about it for a bit longer. "Well, not yet, if I'm being honest. I'm afraid it's something I'd do."

"And why is that?"

"Because I just want to take care of her," she replied instantly.

"Can I ask you a question?" Liv nodded. "How would you react if you found out Alex went further with you than she wanted to just to make you happy?"

"I…I," she stuttered, her face blushing, "I'd feel...like a rapist."

"Which is an understandable response for someone in your position. Do you think Alex would feel similarly if the situation were reversed?"

Olivia furrowed her brow, the need to defend the woman she loved overwhelming her for a moment. "Of course she would."

"Just like Alex's boundaries matter to you, so should your own. When considering whether to do something, ask for your own consent, and only give it if you're enthusiastic about the prospect." The brunette followed the LMFT's logic and she knew she was right, but it still felt weird. "Part of respecting your boundaries is being aware of the fears you have regarding sex and sexuality, things that have been ingrained in you since childhood. I hear you remind Alex that you can wait during almost every session. I don't want to put words in her mouth, but I'm fairly sure she's happy to wait for you as well. If she's ready before you are, then you as a couple are not ready."

Benson took it all in, remembering the look on the love of her life's face as she woke her up gently that morning, pressing soft kisses to her face and whispering words of love. Alex's confidence had grown astronomically, and they were in a good place. She worried about what would happen if they rocked the boat, but above everything else she knew that Alex's trust in her was—powerful, is the word she'd used. Alex felt powerful, and her power made Olivia feel safe, or as safe as she was going to feel before jumping into the unknown. "I do think I'm ready. And Alex might be too. But the situation is always going to be fraught. I don't think there's a way around it."

"Then you'll go through it together. But together is the operative word. Olivia, acknowledging what they've been through is often the hardest thing a trauma survivor ever has to do. You and Alex are both walking your own paths, but they are parallel. Don't be afraid to walk side by side."

A/N: Thanks as always for reading! Explicit sexual content in the next chapter.