Epilogue: Unmasking the Pain

Keitaro and the rest of the crew were held over for debriefing for a couple of days before being allowed to depart. While they weren't confined to their homes, they were expected to stay in Port Oxley. Keitaro spent much of it working on the paperwork handing over the dig to Artyom.

Naru found it a difficult wait. Rika Sasaki's parents had withdrawn her from Juban, and the other teachers looked at her askance for rocking the boat. Haruna had shrugged when Naru mentioned it. I did warn you, she said. It may take you years to get back to normal in their eyes.

She called Keitaro every day and he was always happy to talk. But Naru noticed that she always initiated the calls. He never did. That was odd. Sometimes, his voice trailed off as if he had lost his train of thought. I'll take care of whatever needs he has… she told herself, hoping that the discomforts of pregnancy didn't make that difficult.

Flight 444 from Pararakelse touched down in Narita a few days after that. The girls waited anxiously at the gate, while Naru stood with Mutsumi on the tarmac. With them stood an aging man and a woman in her mid-forties, both looking overwhelmed with grief. Behind them was a hearse and a simple car. Those must be the Saitos, Naru thought. Naru didn't really know how to react with the news of Makie's death. Sorrow for the death of a human being, relief (she was ashamed of that) of Keitaro not being stalked anymore), hurt over how their marriage had nearly failed, gratitude that she had saved Keitaro's life. So, she turned to the couple. "O-kuyami mōshiagemasu. Go-shūshō-sama desu" (I am sorry for your loss. You must be grieving terribly), she said bowing. Whatever her own feelings for Makie might have been, it was clear that to them, she was a beloved daughter.

The older man nodded, but kept his face impassive… except for the tear that slid down his cheek. The woman returned the bow. "T- thank you," she said hoarsely. "Did you know my daughter?"

How do I answer that? Naru wondered. "She worked with my husband on the archaeological dig. I am his wife." Idiot! That logically follows from the first!

Mrs. Saito nodded. "Thank you for your kindness." Especially with how much you must have been hurt by my daughter. She wanted to bring it up, but it would be grossly inappropriate at this time for either of them. So they bowed to each other again and turned back to face the plane.

Shortly thereafter, the door on the side of the boarding ramp opened and Keitaro came down the stairs. Directed by the ground crew, he came over to where the others stood. Naru was shocked by the look of weariness and grief in his expression. He looked aged. As it would be inappropriate to show physical affection at this moment, Naru just put her arm around him and gave a reassuring smile.

The cargo hatch of the airliner was opened and the crew carried the coffin to the hearse, where the morticians took over. Everyone bowed to the Saitos and gave their condolences, watching as they drove off.

Only then was it appropriate for Keitaro to embrace his wife. As they held each other, Naru could sense that it wasn't a romantic or a "perverted kappa" embrace. It was an embrace of needing to be with her, to draw strength from her. She couldn't imagine the horror he had gone through, and only hoped she could support him in the way he had supported her. Maybe that trauma was why he didn't naughtily grope her the way he used to.

Entering the airport, they were greeted by the rest of the girls. They swarmed him at first, but it was soon clear that Keitaro was different. Even the perpetually clueless Su and the perpetually inappropriate Kitsune could pick up on his dazed, haunted expression. He responded to their questions in a warm manner, but his smiles never quite reached his eyes. It seemed to Motoko that he was wearing a mask that kept them from seeing the real him.

How strange, Motoko thought, that the life and death of a woman we never met would have such a strong impact on us. As they headed for the parking garage, Motoko found herself walking next to Kitsune. "Do you think he'll be all right?" she asked worriedly.

Kitsune gave a cheery smile. "I think he just needs some time in the sack with Naru," she whispered, smirking at Motoko's blush.

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But apparently that wasn't all he needed. While those in the adjoining rooms that night were glad that the manager's rooms had been soundproofed, Keitaro was still in a melancholy mood the next day. He didn't come out of his room except for meals. He didn't initiate conversations, though he would respond in a friendly manner when engaged. Then he would excuse himself when he was finished. Naru spent time with him, only coming out when she said he "needed space." But there were lines of stress and worry on her face.

It worried Shinobu enough that she cornered Mutsumi in the supply closet of the tea room. "Do you think Keitaro is acting… um… strangely?" she asked shyly.

"Strangely?" Mutsumi repeated "Ara, I'm not trained in psychiatry, but I would think that reactions like this after trauma are to be expected." She paused for a moment. "But, if you were to ask me whether I was worried about him, I would say 'yes.'"

"M- maybe he could borrow some of Naru's erm… medicine?"

Mutsumi shook her head. "I don't think that would be wise. It might be that Keitaro's adjustment is one that needs to be treated by counseling, not medicine. It might be that this would be the wrong medicine to treat him with. And I suppose it is possible that a psychiatrist would say he just needs time. I just don't know. My main interest in my studies was learning about OB/GYN. Lately I find myself wishing I had learned more about this."

Naru entered the tea room, looking a bit downcast and took a seat at a table. So, Mutsumi and Shinobu emerged from the storage room.

"He needs space again?" Kitsune asked, coming down the stairs.

"Well… not exactly…" Naru said, her lip quivering a little.

"Hey, Naru… what's wrong?" Kitsune asked, becoming more serious.

"Umm, well I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my counseling appointment tomorrow."

"Uh huh…?" Kitsune encouraged.

"And he asked what I was trying to imply." She buried her face in her hands. "I get it that a friend of his was killed. I get that I can't imagine what it would be like for him to go through that, to see someone he knew killed. I know I can't rush him in healing. But he's really defensive and I don't know what might irritate him. I guess this must have been what it was like for him living with me before." She looked up. "I find myself wondering if I should take an extra Sertraline to deal with him."

"No!" Mutsumi interjected. "Don't ever self-medicate. Ask your psychiatrist before changing your dosage." Sighing, she sat next to Naru. "I know this is hard on you. But we're with you. Keitaro needs you, but that need's hard on you right now. So let us help you while you help him."

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It got worse. Naru ended up having to take a leave of absence from teaching, because he would spend most of the day holding onto Hachi and staring out the window. A couple of days later Tokyo University called, asking if Keitaro might want to give a few lectures on his experiences in the upcoming months. Keitaro had given them a blunt, "I'll think about it," before hanging up. When a surprised Naru asked him why, he just stared at his hands and grunted, "I need some space right now." He whirled around and walked out of the dorms.

Stunned for a moment, Naru stood there in shock. Then, ran after him, hoping that she wasn't making a mistake. Worried for both of them, Shinobu followed.

She found them behind Hinata House near the destroyed annex. Keitaro, looking cold, with his arms folded. Naru, pleading with him. She didn't hide. But she didn't intrude either. She just waited in case either of them needed her. Naru saw her, but did not wave her away. In fact, she thought Naru looked a little relieved to not be alone.

"…Keitaro," Naru was saying, "I know I can't possibly understand what you went through, and I know you're not going to just go back to the way things were. But archeology is your life. I just don't understand why you're just throwing it aside now. I- I want to support you, but I don't know how when I don't understand why."

"That's right, you don't!" Keitaro snapped, pointing his finger at her.

Naru wilted. "I- I'm sorry." She turned away, shoulders shaking, trying not to let him see or hear her crying, so he wouldn't think she was being manipulative.

What the hell am I doing? Do I want to lose her again? Keitaro immediately felt ashamed and ran after her. "Naru, wait! No, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you, Naru" he said gently, holding her. "It's just… trying to express myself is so hard right now when I'm not sure myself. I dunno, maybe this is how you felt before you found out that you were pregnant?"

"Maybe?" Naru embraced him back. "I love you Keitaro, and I do want to be strong for you like you were strong for me. Just, please be patient with me while I learn how." She winced a bit. "Sorry, I think I need to sit down."

"Morning sickness?" Keitaro asked with concern, helping her to a seat on a rock.

"No, my feet are sore," Naru replied.

The two of them sat in silence for awhile, Keitaro rubbing her feet. Then he spoke. "You're right that archeology is my passion. But lately, I just can't even try to throw myself into it as a distraction. Every time I read a book or an article, I think of M- erm, Saito getting killed to push me to safety. I just don't know if I can ever think of archeology again without grieving. Maybe I need to do something else."

"I don't know what to say," Naru said. "If you really think that's for the best, I'll try to be a supportive wife. But will you be happy without your passion?"

"Um, Keitaro," Shinobu said, knowing she was a fool for intruding in their private conversation. "Maybe there is a different way you can think about this?"

Keitaro looked up, slightly annoyed. But he kept himself calm and put on his pleasant mask for her. "Oh? What is that?" The expression was warm, but the eyes were not.

"Well," Shinobu said, flustered. "At Todai, I'm part of the foreign literature club. We read classic novels there, but that's not important. Anyway, there was a similar scene in a book we recently finished. In it, after a final battle is over a character says he will never smoke again because a friend of his was killed in battle and remembering it would be too sad."

Naru sweatdropped, hoping Keitaro wouldn't lose his temper. "So, how was it resolved?" she asked, hoping to keep Shinobu from diversions.

"Well, one of the main characters in the book tells him to keep smoking, and remember the good times he shared with his friend when he did so. Umm, I'm not saying you should smoke, I mean."

"I think I get it," Keitaro said, smiling in spite of himself. "There were good times sometimes," he said. "But, how can I when…?" He looked at Naru helplessly.

"I think I understand you, Keitaro" said Naru. "You're worried that I'll be jealous or upset if you do that, because I was before?"

"Yes. Upset. I was pretty naive in not realizing that she was chasing me. I know how much it upset you though. I don't want you to be hurt on my account. So, isn't it unfaithful to you for me to…?" his voice trailed off, as he ran out of words to express himself.

"Keitaro," Naru said. "I am grateful you're thinking about me, but don't feel guilty. I was upset with her before because I didn't know how you really felt about me. But once I learned, I felt like I could trust you not to choose her over me." She decided not to mention her worries that any man would find it hard to resist a woman who threw herself at them. That was a moot point now. "I trust you that those times you might remember were not unfaithful to me. And besides, even though she upset me, I can't deny that you're here now because of her. I guess that's something I owe her but can never repay. So, yes, remember the good times with her. Grieve over her death as much as you need to. I'll try to be strong for you when you need me to be."

Keitaro nodded, suddenly unable to speak as he felt tears rolling down his face.

Naru, seeing this, whispered, "come here," and gently took him into her arms, resting his head on her breasts and cradled him as he wept. He thought he couldn't grieve because of me? she thought. "There, there…" she said instinctively, stroking his hair while she held him.

Feeling awkward, Shinobu hesitantly slipped away. Naru saw her, and nodded. I think we'll be okay she mouthed.

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It would be a mistake to think that Keitaro was back to normal after that. Of course he wasn't. But while it was a small step, Shinobu's interruption had been a catalyst in removing what was holding Keitaro back from admitting he was grieving. So, when he joined them for the evening meal, he looked sad, but it was clear to the others that they were seeing the real Keitaro, not a mask that he wore for their sakes.

Things never went back to normal—because the nature of Hinata House defied normal. But Keitaro did slowly begin to heal again. The tragedy left an indelible mark on him and, by that fact, on them too. But in time, he made his peace with it. He moved forward, not by forgetting, but by accepting it. Whenever he felt melancholy, he reminded himself of something Makie had said.

I Have Tomorrow if I Keep on Living.

The End

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Author's Notes

My second story comes to an end. I am pondering a third story in the series tentatively called Life Moves Forward, which takes place a month after the epilogue. Whether or not I should probably depends on whether the readers enjoyed or endured the story.

I'll be the first to admit that Barriers wasn't as good as Forever and a Day. That one I had finished before I considered posting it to . This one was a work in progress where I had a few ideas that I hoped to use, but not a clear path as I started. The basic premise of Naru at home and Keitaro on Pararakelse was there from the beginning. The coup attempt was originally going to be a revolution. Foreigners were to be expelled, but Keitaro's team was in the desert and didn't know. So they would have to flee the military and escape to the coast. I decided to simplify that.

Makie was a character which I saw could go in one of two ways. Either the "ojosama" bitch who deserved the audience's hate or someone who was a decent but confused girl who fell in love with someone she couldn't have. Whether or not I succeeded or failed (you'll have to decide), I was trying for the second approach. The decision for her to die came about midway through the writing.

So, I hope you liked it—or at least didn't find it disappointing. Thanks for reading and I hope I'll have some more to write in a third story soon.