AN: Well we have been slowly building to this. I just hope I do it justice after all this time!

Chapter Nineteen

They'd arrived in Aspen earlier the night before after Ana's first plane ride which she'd enjoyed in the luxury of Christian's plane. Ana had been stunned when she'd arrived at the house… or mansion to give it a more appropriate title. When they'd pulled up outside the previous evening, Ana had thought they were at a hotel or ski lodge despite Christian having told her he owned a house in Aspen. Christian had taken a lot of pride in showing her his custom-built home though and introducing her to the housekeeper and groundsman Mr and Mrs Bentley who took care of the house all year round.

Ana felt like she'd fallen into a movie. The house was huge with the most incredible stone and wood architecture. It was modern without being clinical and antique without being historical. Ana had marveled at how the Bentley's had lit every fireplace and the house was incredibly warm and as it had started snowing, Ana had lived a dream when she and Christian sat drinking hot chocolate out of huge mugs in front of the big glass window beside the fire.

She was now sitting, her feet on Christian's lap, in front of the fire with the big deer head looking down on them. She was reading, or pretending too. Since she and Christian had been reunited after her appointment with Mary, she'd been trying to bring up a discussion about the realisation she'd had when she had been with Mary. However, she didn't know how to approach it. While she and Christian had shared intimate details with each other about their lives and had some incredibly awkward conversations about their sex lives, including that time in the Fairmount where she'd talked about enjoying being spanked. This, she felt, was on a whole new level.

While she'd been sitting there with Mary the previous afternoon, Ana had realised that she needed Christian's domination of her. When she had been at the club with Jack, she had marveled at how easy the Dominants would take control of the scenes they performed together. When she was feeling at her most out of control, that was when she performed at her best. It had hit Ana like a lightening bolt, her outlet when she hadn't been able to cut, had been submission. While a part of her considered that to be completely insane, she could rationalise with it, because when she was most out of control, she needed someone to take that control instead of her because the way she took control was unhealthy.

Christian knew something was on her mind. Ever since she'd got in the car she'd look at him like she just wanted to say something, but then she'd shake her head or look away as though deciding she wasn't ready to tell him yet.

"You know, you could just tell me." He said when she looked at him for what felt like the thousandth time. The looks were getting more frequent, like she was desperate to open up to him and maybe him prompting would help.

"Is it that obvious?" She asked and he nodded and gave her a smile, she wasn't very good at masking her emotions from him.

"Come on, what is it?" He asked letting go of her feet so he could angle himself more towards her, she pulled her feet back and tucked them underneath her, before putting her book down on her lap so that she could give him all of her attention in return.

"I realised something when I was with Mary yesterday… will you just listen before you say anything? I don't know how well I'll explain it, so I need time."

"I'll listen." He agreed, because he respected that she had asked him that.

"Ok." She took a deep breath. "We were talking about the club." Ana looked down, she didn't want to look at him while she admitted this, she didn't want to see what he thought on his face. "We were talking about how I handled being out of control when I worked there because I'd already told her I didn't cut and didn't have too much of an issue with food. So I told her the truth… which is when I was at my most out of control, it was when I approached the regular Doms who I sorta trusted. I'd push their buttons, make them choose me… so that they would take control." Christian hid his surprise, despite the fact she wasn't looking at him. "I stopped feeling out of control, when someone else took control with my consent." She looked at him now, seeing if he was still with her. He didn't show anything, he was stoic and this freaked Ana out a little. "Is that weird?" She asked and he shrugged, he didn't know if that was weird.

"I guess we all respond to trauma differently." He replied, a psychiatrist's answer if Ana had ever heard one.

"I feel… like maybe it's one of the things that attracted me to you." Ana said quietly. "I knew that first day you weren't like a lot of the Dom's in the club… that you were real…"

"Don't feel ashamed Ana." He begged tipping her chin up as soon as she looked away.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is Christian… I need it in my life… I need you to dominate me… especially when I'm feeling like this… like all out of control…but you said you didn't think you could knowing what I'd been through… and this is all coming out wrong." She pulled away from him but he took hold of her wrist to stop her bolting.

"You're not explaining this wrong. Can I… try and explain what I think?" He knew she had wanted him to listen but he felt like he understood. "I know now, that what Elena did to me was abusive and John has helped me come to terms with that. He thinks I became a Dom so I would never be a submissive again, to escape the trauma by becoming a powerful man and by becoming a dominant, and that way no one would ever control me again. The difference between us is, I was much older when I was abused, I'm also a man which gives me privileges that weren't extended to you as a woman, on top of that the education and financial means to do the things I did. You on the other hand, you incredible, strong woman, who couldn't learn to exercise control in that kind of way, relied on others to take that control with your consent and in a way, as you know when it comes to BDSM, that puts you in control."

Tears spilled down Ana's cheeks. He got it! He understood it! He'd even explained it better than she had been able to and having listened to her and thought about it, he'd been able to truly understand what she was trying to explain.

"I have a question." He said and Ana nodded, drying her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Is this your way of approaching the conversation about wanting us to do more?"

"Yes." She replied without hesitation. "Yesterday… I wanted to cut so bad when we left the courtroom, it's an overwhelming feeling that I can't describe to you but it's like… you know when one of your subs broke your rules… I bet you had this need to deal with it, right then in the moment this overwhelming need to punish?" He nodded and she smiled, glad she was able to put it into an analogy he got. "Well that's exactly how it feels for me when I need to cut, it's consuming." She took a deep breath. "When I was waiting for you with Luke, having had this realisation with Mary that I missed the submission I gave at the club, I thought about being spanked by you… I imagined… a paddle… a flogger… and my mind stopped thinking about cutting and focused in on submitting… I don't just want to submit to you Christian but there are times when I need to…" He voice cracked, admitting this was so tough. "It's why I pushed you to spank me, I just didn't know it."

"Please don't cry." He said reaching for her and she willingly climbed into his lap. "This is probably the most honest and raw conversation we've had." He said and she nodded against his chest as he held her tight. "I get it. I do."

"I feel… wrong for feeling like I need it… maybe it's because it's all I've ever known… I don't know, it's so confusing…but I feel like I want more of it Christian. I want you to dominate me."

He held her tight as she composed herself. He'd always known she was a bit of a masochist, he'd got that vibe from her all those months back when he first met her at the club, but knowing her story did make him want to wrap her up in cotton wool and protect her from the world. Could he still do that and deliver on what she wanted. She was admitting to not only wanting but needing some form of submission in her life. He'd been horrified when he'd seen she'd been cutting herself, now she was telling him instead of cutting herself she wanted to be spanked! Could he deliver?

It wouldn't be submission in the traditional sense if anything it would be topping from the bottom for her to be telling him what she needed but he figured he could work with that. He wouldn't lie and say he hadn't had pleasure from the times he had dominated her either. The first time he spanked her, that time she'd allowed him to tie her up and take her on a sensory journey and then again in the Fairmount. He liked dominating her sexually because he liked dominating sexually anyway, but this wasn't just any woman, this was Ana.

"Dominate me Christian." She said lifting her head from his chest so that she could look at his face. He looked down, meeting those blue eyes. "Please, help me."

He nodded before he gently removed her from his lap. She was shaking lightly, nervous butterflies swarmed in her stomach. She needed this. It was him or a blade and she knew which she'd prefer and she knew what he'd prefer too. They both needed this, safe, sane, and consensual, together in the privacy and comfort of their own space.

Christian led Ana to the amazing master suite, a huge room with a giant king size sleigh bed, and the most incredible floor to ceiling windows. One side of the room had a comfortable living space, two incredible cream Queen Anne chairs, and a fireplace on a slightly raised platform. An arch led to the living space from the bedroom, a wood beam that stretched around six feet wide with two huge wooden beams keeping it together. Christian placed Ana to sit at the end of the bed before grabbing the remote control that controlled the blinds, as well as many other electric equipment in this room. As the blinds slowly lowered to the floor, darkening the bedroom, Christian turned the overhead chandelier on but on a very dim setting, lighting just enough so he could see but keeping the atmosphere.

He didn't have any toys here. Aspen was a getaway place that he rarely frequented, he'd never bought a sub here, so he was stuck having to improvise.

"Strip to your panties and wait for me." He told her and she gave a small nod.

Christian strode out of the bedroom, his mind in overdrive about the scene he needed to do for Ana. He was apprehensive about it, finding a balance between pleasure and pain for someone like Ana would be hard, especially knowing what she had been through, but he'd spank her a million times than sit back knowing she was cutting herself. A spanking would never draw blood, not at his hands, and he'd not scar her either.

Not having toys at the house made this difficult, but he was a resourceful man and he could work with what he had. His first stop was in the garage and he quickly sourced some good quality but relatively soft rope, then he went back inside and to the living room, he grabbed a cream wax candle from the set of three that Mia had bought, while it was never advisable to use a regular candle for wax play as the wax burned at a hotter temperature to a candle designed for BDSM, he knew Ana would handle it and he knew he would be able to handle it in a manner that ensured she wouldn't burn. Then he stopped by the kitchen, and grabbed some ice from the machine and his final stop was the office for a ruler.

He returned to the bedroom and found Ana kneeling beside the bed, panties on, legs open and palms up. She looked incredible and he felt himself twitch in his pants. She didn't respond to him entering the room, keeping calm and composed. He couldn't see how her heart raced in her chest, the churning of her stomach.

Ana swallowed hard as she listened to him move around the room. She kept her head bowed though as that was what she had been taught in the club, never look at a Dom unless they asked you too. At the club, she preferred not to look but with Christian, she wanted to see him.

He set up his scene, ensuring everything was where he needed it. Then he stripped down to his jeans. Ana saw his bare feet come to a stop before her and she breathed deeply. He could see from the way her shoulders raised and the shudder that followed her exhale that she was nervous.

"Stand." He commanded, and as gracefully as she could manage, Ana rose to her feet. "Look at me." Christian said and Ana's head popped up and her blue eyes met his grey ones. "Your safeword?"

"Red." She replied at once.

"I am going to tie your wrists together, and lift you onto your toes so that you're hanging from that beam." He pointed to the huge wooden beam that sat 7 feet from the floor of the living space. "I am going to spank you with this." He removed from his back pocket the ruler. "Then I'm going to awaken your body with ice and hot wax." Christian said and Ana inhaled deeply. "Are you happy to proceed?"

"Yes Sir." She said with a small but firm nod of her head.

Christian took Ana's wrists and slowly wrapped the rope around her them. Ana watched as he carefully ensured that it was done right before he tugged her gently toward the living space.

"Onto the step." He commanded and Ana followed. He then grabbed the rope and in one smooth move threw it over the top of the beam. Ana watched as he tugged it on the other side, slowly forcing her onto her tip toes. She suppressed a giggle when he tied the end of the rope around the leg of the bed. He gave her a smile, he knew she found it funny but he was having to improvise.

He then grabbed a lighter from the drawer beside the bed and lit the candle which he placed on a small lamp table only a foot or so away from where Ana was hanging, he placed the ice beside it and Ana breathed deeply, she'd never experienced wax or ice before and she was very intrigued to know how it would feel.

"Stand with your legs shoulder width apart." He told her as he came back towards her, slapping his left hand with the ruler that was in his right. "I want you to safeword if this gets too much." He said, though in his heart he knew, in this mindset, Ana would not safeword and therefore he had to be responsible for ensuring he didn't push her too far. "I will spank you twenty times. Count." He commanded as he stepped behind her.

Ana couldn't brace herself in any way in the position she was in. On her tip toes, arms hanging above her head, she was having to use every ounce of core strength to keep herself upright. The first blow came and it stung, Ana swung in her restraints unable to hold herself upright against the blow, her knees buckled automatically.

"One." She said as she regained her footing and standing straight again. Christian made sure to hit just beneath the spot he'd last hit, again Ana's knees buckled, as much as they could with her arms holding her up. "Two."

She took all twenty, and in all honesty they both knew she would happily take twenty more but this wasn't about pain, it was about awakening her senses some more. Christian knew Ana enjoyed a spanking and he felt he was stopping at the right moment where it would cross from being all about pleasure to being too much about pain and he didn't want that, not now.

Christian grabbed the ice first and Ana watched as he approached her. He didn't say a thing but he was mixing the ice cubes in the bucket, the sound making Ana shiver at the thought of what he was going to do to her. He took an ice cube in his fingers and immediately brought it to Ana's chest. She gasped loudly and swung a little in her restraints but when her eyes met Christian's, without a word, he knew she liked it.

He drew shapes over the top of her chest, her abdomen and down to her cleanly shaven crotch. Ana moaned deeply as he took it to the very edge, millimetres away from her clit before switching course. He walked around her back and Ana moaned and groaned more and struggled against her restraints as he followed a similar path across her shoulder blades, down her spine and to the crack of her behind. He took another piece and lazily drew circles on her butt cheeks which Ana found incredibly exhilarating after the spanking. His attention then went back to her front, to her breasts. Ana bit her lip as he dragged a piece of ice over every inch of her breast, circling around the nipple but never touching. She felt her nipples screaming for attention and it took all her strength not to beg. Finally, he teased the taught nub with the ice and Ana though she might cum at that sensation alone.

Feeling she was finally cold enough, he fetched the candle which now had a nice decent collection of wax ready to be poured onto Ana's body. Ana was apprehensive still but she was also so exhilarated he could have pulled out a cane and she'd have gone with it.

"This will be hot." He warned her. "If you don't like it, safeword and I'll stop." He said and she gave a small nod. He started behind her this time, gently dropping some wax onto her shoulder blade. Ana gasped and then groaned. At first it stung, just like a burn would but then she immediately felt Christian's breath on the spot on her shoulder where the wax had hit. She wanted so desperately to rub her legs together now, there was ache there, begging for penetration but she knew better, he'd asked her to stand with her legs shoulder width apart and she would obey. After both her shoulders, he aimed for the centre of her spine, then the top of her ass. Ana found it the most incredibly overwhelming sensation, but she loved it. When he came around her front, she wasn't scared as he held the candle which he blew out, by her face. Her eyes closed just as he tipped and she yelled as the hot wax made contact with her breasts and nipples. It was amazing, so good, painful and overwhelming but good.

He trailed the wax down her abdomen, as much as he could with her standing before he put the candle down. Ana was a hot panting mess, it wouldn't take much to tip her over the edge. Christian unzipped his pants and Ana practically salivated at the sight of his engorged penis coming into her line of sight.

"Is this what you want?" He asked, pumping his own hand down his shaft. Ana just nodded. "Not good enough, tell me." He encouraged, his hand still pumping lazily.

"Please Sir." She begged. "Please fuck me." Christian smirked, he hadn't quite expected the words from her mouth to be that explicit but he was very happy with her choice.

"Wrap your legs around me." He said taking hold of one of her legs and bringing it around his waist and Ana immediately bought the other one up. Christian guided himself inside her, making a glutaral cry to echo from her throat. He wrapped his arms around her behind before he started pumping in and out, hard.

Ana was helpless to do anything but accept what he gave her, she couldn't rock back and forth to meet him, she couldn't twist her hips to tease him. It felt incredible. Her body was on fire and the feel of him now filling her, overwhelmed her. It took only moments for her to come undone, screaming as she did. Christian wasn't done though. As Ana naturally fought against her restraint, Christian took one hand and grabbed hold of her nipple, giving a twist, Ana moaned deeply, she liked that, she loved the sensation of her over-sensitive nipples being tugged. He went back to holding her ass, but she wasn't disappointed as his hot mouth closed around the other nub.

"Oh my God!" She yelled, her head falling back, it was too much, yet incredible at the same time.

Ana coming a second time, tipped Christian over the edge. He held her tight as he came, grunting into her neck. Ana screamed louder the second time before she became almost limp, panting hard against Christian. He held her for a moment, unable to move until he was sure she could hold her weight while he undid the restraints.

"I'm going to set you down." He told her and she nodded against his shoulder, unable to form words. He carefully put her down and she struggled to stand on her toes again as he hurried to remove the tied end from the end of the bed. As soon as it came undone Ana fell heavily to the floor.

"Shit." Christian groaned hurrying over to her, he hadn't thought that bit through properly, a knife to cut the rope would have been better and he knew he should have had one for safety too in case she panicked or safeworded.

He quickly pulled Ana into his arms and carried her over to the Queen Anne next to the electric fire. He pulled the remote out of his pocket, turned the fire on, before he undid Ana's restraints.

She was limp against him, breathing heavily as she came down. That had been one of the most exhilarating experiences of her life, but she couldn't voice that just yet.

"Are you ok?" He asked, mopping her hair from her sweat filled brow. She nodded and she curled into him as much as he could. "I didn't hurt you?" She shook her head, he hadn't hurt her at all. He kissed her forehead and held her tight until she was ready to move.

"I'm getting cold." She said making him chuckle.

"I think we need a hot bath before lunch. You're covered in wax." He said chuckling and she nodded lightly.

He carried her into the bathroom, grabbing one of the big white fluffy robes from the back of the door to wrap her up in while the bath was running. He placed her to sit on the marble bath surround while he got the water ran. She looked out the huge window beside the bath, her mind at peace for the first time in days, there were no words she could think of to describe this peacefulness and calmness she felt inside her right now.

He kept a close eye on her, wanting to make sure she was ok. His intention had been to push boundaries with her while letting her know she was still in control. Because that was the truth when it came to a real safe, sane and consensual BDSM relationship or scene, the power and the control truly was in the submissive's hands. If the submissive said no, then the Dom had no power, if the submissive safeworded, it wasn't for the Dom to decide to continue. It was the aspect of BDSM most people outside the lifestyle, never truly understood, but the control was the submissives to freely give up and take back throughout any scene.

Once the bath was run, Christian helped remove the remaining wax from Ana's body. She giggled as she removed it from her breasts, most of what had been on her nipple was now on the bedroom floor where Christian had spat it out. He'd need to clean that up before Mrs Bentley had kittens. Once it was all off, Ana climbed into the water feeling sated, all her earlier feelings of being out of control were gone. It was better than cutting. The relief from cutting was very short lived because after the fact there was guilt at the harm caused to herself. There was no guilt here, she just felt happy and satisfied.

"So are we going to talk about it?" Christian asked as soon as he was settled behind her, her back to his chest.

"Hmmm." She replied, happy for him to take the lead on the conversation.

"How do you feel?" He asked nervously.

"Good." She smiled and he could hear it in her voice. "Christian… that's one of the best experiences I've ever had…" She didn't mean sexual either, in her life, there were very few amazing experiences and most of them had been with Christian but this was a whole new level, because of the way she'd both given up and retained control. She felt… powerful.

"So, you still think this is something you want? Your outlet?" He asked and she nodded against him. "Ok, we'll work on that."

"I feel so content right now." She explained quietly. "This is how I feel after I cut… but only for a minute or two… but I don't think this feeling is going to pass for at least a few hours…" She was struggling to form the words, feeling tired now, coming down from her high. She yawned and Christian chuckled as he began dripping water from a sponge over her shoulder and abdomen.

"If you ever want to cut again. I want you to come to me and tell me you need me. Until I learn to recognise the signs. I want to be here for you, when you need me." Christian told her and she nodded. "I will learn though Ana, I'll learn to know you're feeling out of control before you know it yourself, I'll learn to read those signs from you and then be able to take control without you having to tell me a thing."

"That would be pretty cool." Ana said and Christian chuckled into her neck as he went to kiss her. "I think I'm going to need to talk to Mary about this, I mean… I need reassurance that it isn't wrong for me to find this pleasure in submission, in sex…"

"Ana, it's not wrong baby." He said wrapping his arms around her tight. "Sex is and always will be something that can be beautiful while also used as a weapon. Sex as a weapon is about power, not about the physical act of getting pleasure and that's the biggest difference. Dominance and submission, when it is consensual, is beautiful and is about pleasure. There's nothing wrong with you liking that, wanting to submit and to be in control of your sexuality like that and I think it makes more not less sense knowing what you've been through. Sex has only ever been used against you, as a weapon. You choosing to submit, taking control of your sexuality after all that, makes you so incredibly powerful, so strong and so beautiful. You are magnificent Ana and I hope one day you'll look in the mirror and see what I see staring back at you."

Ana cried, she couldn't help it. The words Christian had spoken touched her heart in ways words had never done before. They calmed her thoughts, relaxed her, and spoke volumes to her. He was right. Choosing to submit to him was about taking control, both of her sexuality and of herself, it's what she needed after everything she had been through and he got it, he understood it and that's why she knew she needed to spend the rest of her life with this man who just got her.