Traumas and Dilemmas

Two months and a week since the Last Death (Five Deaths)

"Onii-san!"

"Hello, Midge!"

Smiling, Subaru greeted Mimi as he descended the stairs to the mansion hall. That day he had also woken up after a nightmare, although at least this time he was on his futon; which had saved him from possible neck or back pain. Even so, he did not feel quite rested, and the dark circles under his eyes were proof of this. Despite the tiredness he felt, he smiled as the girl jumped on his back and hung on his shoulder as he reached the last step.

"It's been days since you left your room dressed like that, Subaru Nii-san. Are you meetin' with the design guys again?" Looking at his face from his shoulder, the girl pointed out the difference in his clothing compared to the previous days.

Subaru was not particularly well dressed, but he had certainly acquired the bad habit of only wearing his nostalgic tracksuit when he did not have need to leave the mansion. That his only possession from his world remained in good condition was only because, thankfully, he was not wearing it during the siege of the inn in Priestella. In addition, using it, in part, helped him to lessen his anxiety and stress.

"You're right, Midge. These last few days I've accumulated quite a few drafts of various artifacts, so if I don't go as soon as possible, I'll end up crushed by a mountain of unfinished designs."

"Hmm… Hmm… I see! In that case, Mimi will go with you, Onii-san!" At the energetic Mimi, who jumped off his shoulder to stand in front of him while pointing at herself, Subaru couldn't help but smile. But after a moment of silence, his smile faded.

"Mimi, where's Tivey?" Puzzled, Mimi cutely held a hand to her chin as she tilted her head.

"Hmm… Bro's visitin' the factory on the lady's orders. Since the captain's accompanying her, there's no one to supervise the delivery of various veeeery valuable materials, so it's Tivey's turn to go in his place."

Nodding bitterly, Subaru listened silently to the information. Anastasia had been out of the mansion for a couple of days and, in addition to an important escort of members of the Fang of Iron, Ricardo went with her as her bodyguard. The two triplets were left behind, serving as the leaders of the Fang of Iron.

Though, from what Subaru had heard, Ricardo's absences were already something they had learned to deal with. A great strategist but an intrepid warrior, that is Ricardo Welkin, the captain of the mercenary group known as the Fang of Iron. Because of their boldness in combat, both Mimi and Ricardo often relegate their duties as leaders to Hetaro. But, in the absence of the tranquil triplet, now Tivey was the one who used to take over when the situation needed it.

Of course, it isn't that Ricardo is a bad leader, it's just that during combat he does not usually think of anything other than attacking giving his all. Because of this, the two males in the group of triplets were already used to dealing with the highest position within the Fang of Iron when necessary. And although they had not fought again since de attack on the inn, due to the absence of Julius, who was in Lugunica, Ricardo had found himself having to serve entirely as Anastasia's bodyguard. Which left Tivey as the current acting leader of the mercenaries.

And that's where the reason for Subaru's bitterness lay. When he had the need to go to the company's headquarters, he was always accompanied by one of the triplets. If Anastasia and Ricardo were at the mansion, then Tivey would go with him, if not, Mimi would. So far, no problems had arisen with this way of carrying out the routine, but Subaru knew that eventually a situation like this would arise.

Anastasia, and therefore Ricardo, had been leaving the city to meet with various Kararagi companies with whom Anastasia hoped to form various alliances. Alliances that would allow the raw material used by Reinvention Project not to run out due to lack of suppliers or flow of materials. And that wasn't the only reason they had been leaving Kyo.

Both Anastasia and Ricardo had committed themselves to strengthening the Fang of Iron. Not only because of the losses that occurred during the siege of the inn, but because the event made it clear that more warriors were needed at the level of Julius, Ricardo and the triplets. Consequently, Subaru had come to see warriors of all styles enter the mansion in the last two months. The recruitment of mercenaries was still going on, and from the look of Anastasia when she last spoke to him about it, it seemed that it was not proceeding as she expected.

And the situation that Subaru knew would eventually occur was that, with Anastasia and Ricardo gone, Tivey or Mimi would have to leave the mansion the same day he had to go to the company headquarters. If only one of the two triplets remained, and Anastasia and Ricardo were absent, no one would be left in the mansion to protect it if he had to leave. Subaru, as the useless nuisance that he was, was once again causing Anastasia trouble.

"I'll go alone, Midge." The girl, after hearing Subaru's statement, opened her big eyes wide.

"Are ya sure, Onii-san?! Until now you've never left the mansion alone and…" The girl reacted extremely alarmed. Did she fear for him? With a half smile forming on his face, Subaru mussed Mimi's hair with the palm of his hand.

"How long do you think I can keep this up? Now that I live in this mansion, as much as I work hard at creating designs, I'm still a nuisance to Anastasia and all of you. Eventually I'll have to overcome my fear and get out of the mansion without the need for an escort at my heels. I simply think that today I could take the first step. Anyway, the walk to the company headquarters is less than half an hour, so there should be no problem. Don't you think, Midge?"

"Hmm... If Onii-san thinks that's the right thing to do, then Mimi won't object. After all, if Mimi said you weren't a bother, she would be lyin'."

"Argh! You didn't have to be so direct, Midge!" Taking his chest in a playful way, Subaru winced as he watched the girl with tears in his eyes. Mimi, smiling, jumped back onto his shoulder.

"Subaru Nii-san saved the lady and my brothers, so Mimi has no problem takin' care of him cheerfully even if he's a nuisance. And Mimi's sure that Tivey feels the same way, so Onii-san shouldn't worry about it. Besides, Onii-san has made a lot of great toys for Mimi. Thanks, Onii-san!" Rubbing her cheek with Subaru's, like a kitten, Mimi thanked Subaru.

"Hnk!" Choking back a sob, Subaru struggled not to shed the tears that were building up in his eyes.

With a jump, Mimi returned to the ground, and Subaru took the opportunity to wipe away the tears using his shirt sleeve. He rubbed his face and then... felt the fabric move. Breathing heavily, Subaru reacted violently. With the opposite hand he pulled the sleeve of his shirt, hiding as soon as possible the scars that covered his entire forearm.

"Onii-san...?" With concern in her gaze, Mimi carefully observed Subaru, whose expression denoted fear and despair.

His hands twitched, the hairs on his neck and arms stood up, he began to feel incredible pain in his temples, and nausea caused him to lose his balance and fall on his knees. The sensation of Meili's neck between his hands returned, the smell of blood reached his nose and he began to hallucinate with the image of the girl's corpse.

Groaning in anguish, Subaru grabbed his head and began pulling on his hair. His heart, which until a moment ago had been beating normally, was now suffering from tachycardia. The memories of the day he murdered Meili came vividly to him. The memories of how, due to his cowardice, many people died without him lifting a finger to prevent it.

Inaction and consequence… What he was suffering now was only the result of that. Subaru was now a man marked by the scars inflicted upon him by his sins. Scars that did not let him escape even in his dreams. That's why he hid them at all times, every day. Now he wore long sleeves all the time and made sure not to show his arms to anyone, not even himself.

How did he do the day he visited the public baths? Simple, Subaru decided not to take off his shirt, regardless of the puzzled looks it earned him. Anastasia, Ricardo, Mimi, and Tivey were understanding, so they didn't say anything about it. Thanks to his new "family", Subaru was able to enjoy that day...

Now every time he bathed or changed his clothes, he involuntarily closed his eyes, as if the sight of his arms would break his heart and mind to pieces. Subaru feared that fragment within him that led him to kill Meili, that fragment consumed by hatred and wrath. And naively, Subaru hoped that, by ceasing to see the scars, that would be enough to hide the sin and, with it, that fragment of himself.

"I don't wanna see…" He muttered, shaking his head. But that isn't what he wanted to say. It wasn't me… That's what he really wished he could say. However, he was aware that doing so would only be to lie; a lie that even he couldn't believe. So all he had to do was refuse to see... As long as he didn't see it, he could pretend it wasn't there. As long as he didn't see it, it would be as if that fragment weren't within him.

"Onii-san, take a deep breath… Mimi's here by your side." Then, when Subaru's mind was about to sink deep into the depths of another panic attack, which he hadn't suffered in almost a month, he felt a gentle, innocent hand caressing his hair. Obeying the little girl's voice, Subaru inhaled and exhaled. Once he began to relax, Mimi took his hands with hers and helped him open them, so that the tension in his fingers gradually diminished.

That was not the first time this had happened, which is why Mimi had managed to react so quickly. The first panic attack related to the scars occurred during the trip to Kararagi, after a nightmare. And the first to calm him down was Anastasia, who managed to understand the reason for the panic attack after seeing him obsessively covering his arms.

"T-Thanks, Mimi." Embarrassed, Subaru lowered his head. Of all the panic attacks he had had up to that point, this was the one that had happened in the stupidest way. For the next occasion, he would have to be more careful with his shirt or jacket sleeve, or he might lose control in the middle of an important moment.

"Umm… Onii-san… Mimi thinks you'd stay at the mansion today." With her big turquoise eyes, the girl watched him nervously.

"No need, Mimi." Subaru declined, bending over to have her face to face. "I've calmed down already, see?"

There was another reason why Subaru was willing to go to his meeting with the design department alone, besides starting to do something about his trauma. That reason was that the meeting was already scheduled. Subaru had already sent a letter to the department, stating that he would be going that day, and he didn't want to be so irresponsible as to cancel the meeting because of his weakness.

Subaru was weak, cowardly, and useless. That was clear to him, but after what happened in Priestella, he had committed himself to do something about his weaknesses. To be useful was another of his goals, and at that time the best he could do for that objective was to produce as many designs of recreated artifacts as possible.

Delaying the meeting would only cause more unfinished sketches to pile up. In addition, most of the employees in the design department idolized him, so it was not uncommon for them to interrupted their work on the day he agreed to visit them, just to have the place ready to receive him.

If he decided to miss the meeting that day, he would make them waste a large part of their workday, of that Subaru was sure. So struggling to hide the trembling in his legs, Subaru stood up and looked towards the exit. However, Mimi still seemed nervous, so he decided to change the subject before leaving the mansion.

"Midge, have you heard anything about Hetaro?" At Subaru's question, the girl got her playful smile back and started jumping around him.

"Bro and Mimi spoke with Julius a couple of days ago through the mansion's metia. He told us that Onii-chan's treatment has been going great and that he may start rehab at any time. But of course, Mimi already knew that. I've been feelin' very energetic lately, so that was the only explanation." Smiling, the girl stopped in front of him with a proud look.

The little girl was referring to the strange Divine Protection that tied her and her two brothers, the Divine Protection of Trisection is its name. According to what Mimi had told him, this blessing allows her and her brothers to share the damage and exhaustion. Apparently, this was how she and Tivey were able to prevent Hetaro from dying after losing an arm and a leg, in exchange for both of them feeling much more drained than they would have felt had they not shared vitality with him.

And that's not all Subaru discovered during that conversation. He also learned that she was the most powerful of the three, and that was how he understood why she used to spend the most time by Anastasia's side. After having seen the triplets in action, Subaru could definitely no longer say that they were children who only used their cuteness on the battlefield; they were definitely great warriors, something he would never be.

"Glad to hear it. I wish I'd see him soon to thank him in person for protecting Anastasia and me." Ignoring the pessimistic thought, Subaru smiled back at Mimi.

"Mimi's sure Onii-chan will also want to thank you, Subaru Nii-san. You saved us that day too, after all."

"I just did what I had to do, nothing more..." Murmuring, Subaru recalled how his only use had been serving as bait. Mimi didn't mention anything even though she had apparently heard him, so Subaru decided to end the conversation there. "Anyway... I'm just going to my meeting with the design department and I'll be back immediately after it's over, so you don't have to worry about me. In any case, if I ever need your help, I'll call you on the metia."

Taking out an object similar to a hand mirror from his pocket, Subaru indicated that he would use it if necessary. That was the metia Anastasia had given him to contact her or any of her most trusted employees. The concrete definition of what a metia is, would be that it is an object capable of allowing the use of magic to people who are not able to use it; hence, some of his recreated objects could be considered metias.

Subaru didn't know much about magic in that world yet. He only knew that it could be used through the use of the gate, something that everyone in that world possesses. The gate takes the mana from the environment, which could be considered the magical energy, and stores it in the Od, which would be the life energy of every person. Through the release of Od through the gate, it is possible to make use of magic. Supposedly he also had a gate, but until that moment he hadn't had the chance to use it.

So there are different types of metia, and they talked about of the Conversing Mirror, a metia that allows communication in a similar way as a phone with a video call would. Unlike the metia of the mansion Mimi had mentioned before, his metia served only to hold conversations with people who were not too far away from the transmitter. On the other hand, the Conversing Mirror of the mansion was a two-yard-long mirror that could contact the capital of Lugunica without any problem.

"Okay! In that case Mimi will be on the lookout in case Onii-san calls her."

"Thanks, Midge. See you in a couple of hours."

"Bye, Onii-san! Take care! Don't talk to strangers!"

"I'm not a child, you know…?" Muttering feebly, Subaru said goodbye to the demi-human girl as he walked out of the hall through the main door of the mansion.

"... And this is the latest design. It's an artifact capable of liquefying any vegetable or fruit stored inside it. Now, this is one of those artifacts that works with the energy that I mentioned that is commonly used where I come from, called electricity. All I need is your help to find a magical mineral or mana stone capable of spinning the blades inside it, and with that we can finalize this design." Subaru finished presenting the last draft of the stack and looked at his audience.

Putting aside the disbelief displayed by several of those present at the mention of the world he came from, most seemed to be absorbed in their thoughts. Several designs had already been finalized, while a couple would need more time to finish the details of their operation, and Subaru was satisfied that this had been a productive meeting. And in the case of the blender's design, Subaru was optimistic that they would find a way to make it work.

"Hmm… Subaru-sama, I think that in this case the Lagmite would not be of much use." The speaker was Yand, the brown-haired young man he had met on the first day he arrived in Priestella. And the Lagmite of which he spoke, was just another way calling the mana stones or magic ore, the rocks that can be imbued with magic from any of the six elements.

"Maybe if we use repellent metal to make the blades, and we put a Lagmite of fire to energize them..." One of the designers he did not know in Priestella spoke, his name was Elph, and he was a man with brown skin and yellow hair. Regarding the repellent metal that Elph had mentioned, Subaru had already used it on several occasions. It's a metal that acquires qualities similar to those of a magnet, if it comes into contact with the fire element mana.

"But the fire stone would heat the metal, wouldn't it? Wouldn't that affect the content of the artifact?" Zeilt, another designer he met in Priestella, added to the discussion, appearing dubious about the use of the Lagmite of fire.

"In that case…"

The conversation went on and on, until after almost half an hour, they decided that the best thing was best to coat the base with icy mineral and use a fire stone to put the blender to work. How they would turn it on and off, they would do it with a kind of switch made of some heat-resistant metal to cut the connection between the blades and the Lagmite. Satisfied, Subaru was ready to end the meeting, when a comment prevented him from doing so.

"Subaru-sama, I thought you said that… umm… blender, was the last design." Baffled, Subaru turned to Alexa, the simple-looking girl next to him. In her hands, she had a sheet of paper. Subaru, starting to freak out, looked at the pile of papers and realized what the sketch was that she was holding.

"Y-Yes, Alexa. That's a sketch that I haven't had a chance to spend enough time on yet, nor could it even be considered a draft. I probably left it in the design pile by accident." With sweat on his brow, Subaru took the sheet back and placed it under the stack of designs.

"Hmm… It seemed quite developed to me. And what is it about, Subaru-sama? It looked like some kinda artifact designed to launch objects with precision. Or did I get it wrong?" His breathing got more and more labored, as each word came out of the girl's mouth. Why did she have to be so perceptive?

"It's nothing… A stupid idea that was going nowhere, just forget it." He tried to sound casual about it, but the tone of his voice failed im. Alexa, bewildered, accepted his words without saying anything else. The girl, as perceptive as she was, had probably realized that the sketch was something she should not have seen. The rest of the people gathered around the table they were sitting at looked at them curiously, as if waiting to be included in the conversation, so Subaru decided to end the meeting before the matter got out of hand. "Well, that's it for today. Good job, guys! See ya next week, I'll let you know the day of the meeting a couple of days in advance, like we've been doing so far…"

After saying goodbye to all the designers, Subaru left the office and began walking down the long corridor located on the third floor of the Hoshin Company building. Until then, he had finally managed to calm down completely after what happened with Alexa. I was so careless, he thought.

He had left the sketch of the gun under the pile of designs and had forgotten to remove it, a mistake that could have caused him a lot of trouble. For the same reason, despite having left the portfolio with the stack of designs in the room he had just left, so that those with whom he had met could analyze them in more detail in search of changes that could be applied, he had kept that specific sketch in the back pocket of his pants.

Subaru thought of all the people he let die because of his decisions at the inn. And he remembered the events that occurred in his world due to the use of firearms. In that world, gunpowder didn't exist, or at least hadn't been discovered, and Subaru didn't want to be the one to change that. He didn't mind importing items from his world that would help people with their daily jobs, but the idea of bringing weapons to that world where magic was used really horrified him.

His approach to the issue might have been different had the cycle of deaths in Priestella not occurred, but Subaru felt it was not worth dwelling on. Creating weapons could not only make him responsible for many deaths, but could also end up turning against him one day; the very notion of dying from a shot of his own reinvention made him shiver.

With his life and the lives of many people at stake, Subaru had little reason to decide to bring the gun sketch to life. However, the idea of being able to use it to dimmish his weakness, using one of his few qualities to his advantage, made him hesitate... Even so, Subaru was aware of how fucked up fate, or whatever it was that was playing with his life in that world, could be, so he refused to play with fire and end up burned. He was not going to create weapons or gunpowder, of that he was convinced, or at least that's what he wanted to believe...

Once he left the building, Subaru walked for a while until he entered the main avenue of the metropolitan area. Trying to stay distracted with the street business, Subaru struggled to ignore the growing anxiety in his chest. The walk to the company headquarters had been quite stressful, and he wanted to avoid the same thing happening on the return trip.

If he did not strive to overcome the weaknesses that caused him to stagnate, then he would be failing in his promise to Anastasia and himself. He wanted to help her, he wanted to stop being useless and start doing something for himself. And that was the next step on the long road that would lead him to his longed-for happy ending.

Subaru was aware that the idea was childish, but after all that he had experienced in his original world and the current one, especially in the current one, he felt that he had to at least to hold on to something like that in order to move forward. If he didn't focus on one goal to follow, he was not sure he could cope with all the traumas and scars left by his five deaths.

That's why he had to keep himself busy, either making designs or trying to overcome his weaknesses. If that way he avoided getting stuck in misery, then he would keep forcing himself to move no matter how much pain each step brought. Something especially important at that time, when it was so close to finally starting Reinvention Project; the cornerstone for reaching his happy ending.

Thus, his gaze wandered over the sights that made up the thoroughfare of the metropolitan area. It was about to be noon, so the number of people in the area was as high as could be expected from the Kararagi trade center. As expected from that country, the buildings had a Wafuu aesthetic and most of the people there wore kimono.

Nostalgia engulfed him, causing him to feel pain in his chest. He could almost sense that at any moment his mother would appear, with one of her bizarre remarks. Or his father, with one of his jokes. For a moment, he could even catch the smell of mayonnaise, which they would most likely be consuming.

Overwhelmed by the unexpected outcome, caused by his attempt to ignore his anxiety, Subaru took a deep breath and quickened his pace. He had to return to the mansion as soon as possible. He had already taken the first step and had attended the meeting without the presence of Mimi or Tivey, so that attempt could not be considered a defeat...

"If I hurry, I ought to be at the mansion in about ten minutes." He muttered, looking towards the exit of the metropolitan area. Once he entered the upper-class district, perhaps he would no longer feel overwhelmed by the nostalgia and guilt that accompanied it, so Subaru yearned to get there… "N-No…"

It was then that he felt it; a chill ran down his back, which began to be drenched by drops and drops of icy sweat. In desperation, Subaru looked from one side of the avenue to the other, searching for the source of the terror he had just felt. He, after the two cycles of death that he had experienced, had become quite perceptive of the danger. And, at that moment, the alarms in his mind were ringing non-stop.

Then a woman shrieked, after her, a crowd of people shouted. A carriage pulled by Ligers, large canines, went off the road, hitting one of the stalls on the avenue. Blood began to flow from under the carriage and the smell of fear filled the air. The people, terrified, began to run in all directions, wreaking havoc. However, Subaru had not moved an inch.

With his eyes wide open, Subaru watched the woman standing on the crashed carriage. Milky white hair, skin as smooth as porcelain, a beautiful face that could take the breath away from any man. A short kimono, black as the night, that gave the sensation of being something that would dress a prostitute from Kararagi, covered her body...

Everything about the woman radiated beauty. Yet her sharp yellow eyes conveyed a hatred that would freeze the blood of even the bravest of warriors. Subaru, paralyzed by terror, felt a déjà vu that reminded him of what happened before his first death in Priestella. That woman was dangerous, extremely dangerous; he had to get out of there immediately. If he didn't, he would meet his sixth death in that place, there was no doubt about it. Then why couldn't she move?

Feeling fluid running down his leg, Subaru realized that he had urinated out of fear. His heart, clenched in terror, was beating faster and faster. All the hairs on his body were standing up and his muscles were so strained that at any moment they could be torn by the tension. Agitated, Subaru watched the presence with his eyes even more wide open. This woman was nothing but an entity of death and destruction.

Subaru's gaze began to blur with tears. The woman's silhouette began to distort, as if her very presence was against the laws of life. Transmitting the disease called despair not only to him, but also to everyone present on the avenue, the entity prostrated firmly on the crashed carriage, with its gaze fixed on Subaru.

"Die…"

Before Subaru could realize it, his viewpoint changed abruptly. Before his eyes there was no longer the murderous figure, but the beautiful blue sky of Kararagi. But that view changed again; now he was looking at the floor, and then he saw again the nostalgic scenery of the avenue... Subaru's head had been cleanly sliced and now it was descending to the ground, as his life was descending to the abyss of death. When the head smashed into the street, the black-haired life had already completely vanished.