This was an interesting case, the one page-one rewrite of Season 5. I really like this episode as it is, and I think it's one of the best of the fifth season - overall, and for J/H. But because of the rewrites done to "Eric's Naughty No-No," Hyde's dilemma about fidelity here would be redundant. So, I've come up with something else for him and Jackie in this timeline...
(Following production order, we assume that episode 5-05, "Ramble On," played out as we know it, without changes.)
SHOW TITLE
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - NIGHT
Suppertime. RED, HYDE, and ERIC are at the kitchen table, with dinner laid out before them. KITTY, with a last tray of food, scurries over and takes her seat.
KITTY:
Okay. So, is everyone ready for our big trip to the University of Wisconsin?
ERIC:
Yeah, Donna and I have it all mapped out. She is going to buy a tight sweater with a big red "W" on it, and I am going to watch her wear it.
Red looks up from his meal, glares at Eric.
ERIC (cont'd):
(to Red)
And then we're gonna buckle down.
KITTY:
Steven, honey, are you sure you don't want to come with us?
HYDE:
No thanks, Mrs. Forman. I'm not the college type. I get my learnin' on the street.
RED:
(to Hyde)
That reminds me – all the beer's coming out of the house. All the wine, too. Anything with alcohol, I'm moving out of here tonight. So if you somehow cut yourself while we're gone, pack it with ice and hope to God you reach the hospital in time.
HYDE:
You're thinking of what happened last New Years' Eve, aren't you?
RED:
See there – you've got the smarts for college.
KITTY:
(to Eric)
Well, I just can't believe my baby is all grown up and visiting college.
(beat)
I am so freaking old!
ERIC:
And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.
Kitty starts fanning herself.
The patio door opens, and DONNA enters the kitchen. Eric stands to meet her.
ERIC (cont'd):
Hey, there's my favorite co-ed. Hey, you all packed for visitors' weekend?
DONNA:
I can't go. My dad is making me visit Marquette instead. He thinks it's a better school 'cause it's private. Oh, and 'cause it sounds French.
ERIC:
Well, you know what? We'll just go with you. I mean, if it's a better school, then I belong there too. Right, Dad?
RED:
No. State schools are cheap. That's where you belong.
ERIC:
Well, what if, like, you took out a second mortgage on the house?
Red and Hyde both laugh.
RED:
Not for you, dumbass.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Shortly after dinner. As Eric watches, Donna packs for visitors' weekend.
DONNA:
I have a bad feeling about this weekend, Eric. Nothing good can come from us visiting different schools.
ERIC:
Well, yeah, but there's an upside. Two days apart... I mean, when we get together, it's gonna be electric, baby. Like a thunderstorm.
DONNA:
Eric, I'm serious. I mean, what if we actually end up going to different colleges and we're apart for four years?
ERIC:
Well, then, come semester break, you'd better board up your windows, 'cause guess what? Here comes Hurricane Eric.
DONNA:
Board up my windows? What are my windows? And, whatever they are, wouldn't you want them open?
ERIC:
Mmm.
Donna tries to keep packing, but Eric moves in closer.
ERIC (cont'd):
Look, Donna, all I'm saying is that I think we can get through anything. I mean, we go to different schools now and we're fine, because our love is strong. Like a big, burly bear. So zip up your tent, 'cause guess what? This bear has claws.
DONNA:
Again, wouldn't you want my tent open?
ERIC:
Mmm.
BUMPER
EXT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY
The next morning, pre-trip. Red and Hyde stand by the sink, sipping sodas. Eric comes in from the living room, dressed for the road with a backpack slung over his shoulders.
RED:
Hold it, Son. Now, before we hit the road, we need to have a talk about that horrible thing that's taken over your mother.
ERIC:
You mean her change of life?
HYDE:
I thought we were calling it the lady parts problem.
RED:
It goes by many names. Now we're dealing with a tricky enemy here. I haven't been this frosty since Korea. And, just like a commie, it can jump out and attack you at any moment.
KITTY (v.o.):
Red, honey?
HYDE:
Incoming!
ERIC:
Retreat!
Hyde rushes down to the basement while Eric breaks for the patio door. They clear out just as Kitty enters from the living room.
KITTY:
Red, um, you know, I've been a tad bit moody lately. So, um, if you don't want me to go on this trip, I'll understand.
RED:
Well, you know, honey, there's really no need for you to go.
DONNA:
I knew you didn't want me to go! Well, I am going whether you like it or not!
(Stars fanning herself)
Why is it so damn hot in here? It's like... it's like we're living in Hell!
She storms back out into the living room.
RED:
You can say that again.
He sighs and nurses his soda.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY
A truncated gang all share the couch – Hyde, JACKIE, and FEZ. WACKY RACES plays on the TV. Jackie's eyes, however, are on Hyde, and she sits in as coy a pose as she can.
JACKIE:
So, Steven, you have the whole house to yourself this weekend.
HYDE:
Yeah, but the Formans are all on edge dealing with all the menopause crap, so I'm playing it safe. We'll have to take the party on the road.
(to Fez)
All set, buddy?
FEZ:
Ten-four, amigo. I got the jumbo size this time.
JACKIE:
(to Hyde)
What is he talking about?
HYDE:
Saturday night, man. We cruise around, stop by the high school, and throw eggs at the football practice.
FEZ:
And then I spend most of Monday running from the football team. Their catch rate is down – I'm really building up my speed.
JACKIE:
What? Steven, don't you remember last week? You finally called me your girlfriend.
Hyde shrugs; he doesn't get it.
JACKIE (cont'd):
We're officially a couple now.
HYDE:
All right. So?
JACKIE:
So, don't you think we should spend Saturday night together?
HYDE:
Hey, you can come if you want. They've caught us on the field a few times. We could use your high kicks.
JACKIE:
I don't want to spend our first official Saturday as a couple fighting the football team with Fez.
FEZ:
Oh, Jackie, you know there is a good chance I'd be with you wherever you two went for your Saturday night.
Jackie and Hyde both turn to glare at him; he pulls back to his end of the couch as far as he can.
CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
Concurrent with the previous scene. Eric and Red finish packing up the Vista Cruiser as Kitty comes out from the kitchen, dressed for the trip.
KITTY:
Red, honey, you know, I'm sorry about our little spat. The last thing I wanna do is ruin our trip.
RED:
Oh, sweetheart, that's okay.
He smiles, gives her a quick kiss. Kitty giggles and goes into the Vista Cruiser.
ERIC:
Wow. Mom certainly cheered up.
RED:
Don't be fooled. She's a ticking time bomb.
They start around the car when KELSO comes running through the garage, an envelope stuck onto his jacket.
KELSO:
Hey, wait up!
RED:
What do you want?
KELSO:
The explanation's pinned to my lapel.
Red takes the envelope off Kelso and opens the note inside.
RED:
(reading)
"Dear Red, Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW. Here's thirty dollars so he can go with you."
He checks the envelope; it's empty.
RED (cont'd):
(to Kelso)
Where's the thirty bucks?
KELSO:
Oh, I bought this electronical football game.
He holds the game up.
RED:
I swear to God, Kelso! You make Eric look like Einstein!
Eric pulls a "touched" face, puts his hand on his heart.
ERIC:
Thank you, Daddy.
KELSO:
(scoffs)
"Thank you?" Einstein was ugly.
He and Eric move to get in the car as Red rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. OPEN ROAD - DAY
The Vista Cruiser speeds down the highway. Red and Kitty sit up front, Eric and Kelso in back. The noise from Kelso's football game fills the car. Kitty tugs furiously at her collar.
KITTY:
Oh! It's like a sauna in here. I wish you all didn't have to breathe so much.
ERIC:
All right, Kelso, you heard the lady. No more breathing.
KITTY:
(to Eric)
No, I didn't tell you not to breathe, I told you not to breathe as much. There's a difference!
RED:
(sighs)
Eric, how far are we from the exit?
Eric glances out the window at the mile markers.
ERIC:
Um... we just missed it.
RED:
Dammit! You're supposed to be following the map. What the hell are you doing back there?
Eric holds up the map – folded into a crown.
ERIC:
Making you a crown, 'cause you're king of the road!
He pops the crown on his head, then clutches at his stomach.
ERIC (cont'd):
Whoa. That last soda's made it through. Can we pull off to use the bathroom?
KELSO:
First and goal!
RED:
When's the next damn exit?
ERIC:
Bit of an emergency here.
KELSO:
Touchdown!
KITTY:
Would you all just shut up!
She cranks the A/C and takes a few deep breaths, as the men all do their best to pretend not to be there.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Eggs, eggs, and more eggs! Seven full cartons of eggs cover the kitchen table. Hyde and Fez stand around the table and inspect the eggs, all grins. Jackie leans against the island, pouting.
FEZ:
(to Hyde)
This is going to be a good one. The new halfback, Hunter Williams, poured tomato sauce down my pants during lunch on Thursday. Well, Hunter, let's see how you like egg yolks all over your ass.
Hyde cackles, looks over at Jackie. She looks away.
HYDE:
What, first you're not coming, now you're giving me the silent treatment?
(to Fez)
Talk about your win-win.
They both laugh. Jackie starts for the door to the living room. Hyde sighs, catches her by the arm, and turns her around.
HYDE (cont'd):
Come on. This'll be fun. We're gonna be trespassing, vandalizing school property, and sticking it to the Man. It's everything I've been trying to teach you, honey.
Jackie is not amused.
HYDE (cont'd):
Jackie, this is what I do on the weekends, okay?
JACKIE:
Steven, we're a couple now. Weekends aren't just about what you do. They're about what we do, together. And there's a ballroom dance class at the rec center tonight, so you get rid of those eggs and put on a clean shirt!
HYDE:
Ballroom dancing? I'd have to punch myself in the head just for walking into that class. Look, I made my plans, and I told you you could tag along. Are you in or out?
Jackie glares up at him; he glares back. She pushes past him and strolls out the patio door.
Hyde sighs and sits down at the kitchen table, where Fez is still counting eggs. He holds one up and nods approvingly.
FEZ:
This one is for the quarterback. What he did, I am too much of a man to say. But when this egg reaches the place it is meant to reach... oh, he will know.
He stands up straighter as Hyde puts a hand over his shades.
CUT TO:
INT. DORM HALL – DAY
The University of Wisconsin campus. Visitors' weekend may have drawn a lot of kids and parents, but it hasn't inspired any spirit of cleanliness; Animal House would be proud of the state this place is in. Rock music wafts through the halls for good measure.
Red, Kitty, Eric, and Kelso enter through the front door. Eric and Kelso wander off immediately while Red and Kitty assess the situation from the doorway.
RED:
What the hell kind of college is this? Barefoot hippies playing frisbee, barefoot hippies singing songs to trees...
Eric and Kelso find a section of wall to lean on, a section that happens to have a poster for CPR instructions.
KELSO:
Man, this place is awesome.
(points to poster)
Look, they even have dirty cartoons on the wall.
ERIC:
Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
DONNA:
Wow, I've done CPR a lot.
A particularly filthy-looking college student approaches Red and Kitty, offers his hand – this is TED.
TED:
Hi. I'm Ted, resident advisor.
He shakes Red and Kitty's hands in turn.
KITTY:
Hi.
ERIC:
Why don't you folks have a look around, and I'll show the boys where they're gonna be staying.
He crosses to Eric and Kelso. Red and Kitty start looking around in the opposite direction and find students passed out on couches.
RED:
I don't know about this place.
KITTY:
I'll say. It's the middle of November. I don't see any Thanksgiving decorations.
Over by the wall, Ted leans in and drops his voice.
TED:
Visitors' weekend is great. We always have a big dorm party. Tons of booze, tons of chicks.
Eric and Kelso share a grin and a high-five.
ERIC:
Man, this place is great! It's too bad Donna couldn't make it...
A BOMBSHELL BLONDE, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her middle, walks past them.
ERIC (cont'd):
Oh, my God, would you look at that?
KELSO:
We just saw college butt! On a girl!
Of course, this is the time when Red walks over.
RED:
(to Ted)
Hold it. Girls live here too?
TED:
Yes, sir. We're co-ed.
ERIC/KELSO:
Oh, yeah!/All right!
RED:
That's it! You're staying with us at the motel.
He starts toward the door. Eric runs after him.
ERIC:
Wait! Dad, wait. Think of what a valuable experience this could be for me. I mean, this is my first step into the real world.
(claps Red's shoulder)
I'm your little bird, Dad. Give me wings to fly.
Red looks at Eric's hand on his shoulder; Eric pulls it away.
RED:
Butch it up and get in the car.
Eric sighs and obeys.
Kelso has wandered over to the girls' restroom and cracked open the door.
KELSO:
Excuse me, this is your CPR coach. I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities.
(over his shoulder)
That means their boobs.
He stops when he sees Red, not Eric, over his shoulder. Stone-faced Red takes Kelso by the arm and pulls him away.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
The Formans' hotel for the weekend. Red sits on the edge of the bed with a map of UW while Eric and Kelso lie on cheap cots. Kelso is back at his football game.
RED:
There's got to be at least one all-male dormitory on this campus. Ah! Here it is, right between the chapel and the school of interior design.
Kitty, ready for bed, enters from the bathroom, just slightly tense and unsteady.
KITTY:
Boys, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
KELSO:
A little?
KITTY:
SHUT UP!
(takes deep breath)
So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, um, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like epithelial lining and uterine wall.
Eric groans, flips around, and buries his head into his pillow. Kelso just keeps playing his game. Kitty takes two small bars of soap from her robe pockets.
KITTY (cont'd):
Okay, so, um, now, say these soaps are my ovaries. Okay, um, about a month ago, they stopped producing...
She loses her train of thought, thanks to the noise from Kelso's game.
KITTY (cont'd):
They stopped...
The game gets louder, and she loses it again.
KITTY (cont'd):
Stopped producing...
And once more.
KITTY (cont'd):
Oh, that's it!
She reaches over, snatches the game from Kelso, and tosses it out the window.
KITTY (cont'd):
(to Kelso)
What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso gapes up at her; he's never seen Mrs. Forman like this.
KELSO:
Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!
His bottom lip quivering, he throws himself down into his pillow.
Red sighs and stands.
RED:
Okay, boys. Time to leave.
ERIC:
YES!
He and Kelso scramble off the cots and out the door.
BUMPER
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Somewhere in Point Place, the El Camino cruises the streets. Hyde is at the wheel, Fez in the passengers' seat, a bag loaded with egg cartons in his lap. "Pump it Up" by Elvis Costello plays on the radio. Hyde wears a deep frown, Fez an impatient mug.
FEZ:
We've circled past the school three times already. We missed the end of the JV cheerleader practice. Let's park this mamma and do this thing!
HYDE:
Whatever.
FEZ:
Oh. You're still upset about Jackie.
HYDE:
What the hell's her deal, man? Before we were together, I brought her along on a few nights like this and she was up for it. So, now that we're an "official couple" or whatever, she doesn't wanna have fun?
FEZ:
(tsks)
Oh, Hyde. Poor, poor Hyde. Cool as you are, you know nothing of women.
Hyde gives Fez a dirty look, but he persists.
FEZ (cont'd):
You made plans for the weekend without even consulting her. You cannot do this with a girlfriend. That's a big step for you two. You do not want to do something special with your lady?
HYDE:
I don't know, man. I mean, I've been showing her the ropes on all this stuff for a while now, and I just figured -
FEZ:
Hyde, have you been trying to make Jackie a-cool?
(shakes his head)
She is her own woman, orphan boy. You think whatever you want to do, if you snap, she comes? That is trouble. Just you wait, Henry Higgins.
HYDE:
"Henry Higgins?"
FEZ:
You know, from My Fair Lady.
Hyde stares blankly, not a clue what Fez means.
FEZ (cont'd):
It was the school musical this year. I was Dancer Number Three.
More blank stares.
FEZ (cont'd):
You told me you went to see it, you son of a bitch!
He turns away in a huff. Hyde sighs and turns the car around.
BUMPER
INT. DORM HALL – NIGHT
Ted's promised party. As "Wheel in the Sky" by Journey blares over the radio, college students and visiting high schoolers dance, sample the keg, and make out. Kelso has a STATUESQUE BLONDE pinned up against the wall, near the CPR poster.
KELSO:
(points to poster)
I see UW has a pretty good CPR program. That's gonna be my major.
She rolls her eyes at him and walks away.
Eric walks up the hall with a STRAWBERRY BLONDE, mid-conversation.
ERIC:
So, I told my girlfriend, "we can go to separate schools." I mean, people do that all the time, right?
STRAWBERRY BLONDE:
Yeah. I mean, my boyfriend goes to school in New York, and we've been together for three years, and we're in love now more than ever.
ERIC:
Of course you are. And I bet, when you two get together, it's like a thunderstorm, right?
Ted walks up behind them and snakes an arm around the strawberry blonde's waist.
TED:
Hey, pretty lady.
She leans into him, and they start making out.
ERIC:
(to blonde)
Excuse me, hello? Didn't you just say you had a boyfriend?
SRAWBERRY BLONDE:
Yeah. But he's not here.
She takes Ted by the hand and leads him away.
Eric, dazed, crosses over to Kelso, who is once again looking into the girls' bathroom.
ERIC:
Did you just see that? I told Donna we could go to different schools, and I was extremely wrong, and... man, if she doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed.
KELSO:
Who cares, Eric? There's a bunch of these college chicks sharing a shower!
He turns back to the bathroom. Eric throws his hands up and walks away.
BUMPER
INTERCUT - INT. MARQUETTE/INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A row of payphones on the wall. Donna is on one of them.
DONNA:
Eric? Is everything okay?
Eric, on the other end of the call, sitting by the nightstand while Red sits near the head of the bed and Kitty on the end. Kitty tries to hold in tears as she watches television.
ERIC:
(into phone)
Yeah, everything's fine. I just want to see how you like Marquette. And, can I just say, if that snooty switchboard operator's attitude is any indication of the Marquette experience, then I can only assume we're crossing Marquette off the list right now.
DONNA:
No, actually, it's great. Okay, they have this English professor. He wears a beret and wears a corduroy jacket, but he listens to Zeppelin!
ERIC:
Uh, yeah, well, UW has a vending machine, so...
(beat)
Donna, I love you.
DONNA:
I love you too. Bye.
She hangs up, walks off.
Eric sets the phone back on the receiver just as Kitty breaks out into full-on tears.
RED:
(to Eric)
You gonna cry now too?
KITTY:
You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room!
She tosses her tissue aside and heads into the bathroom.
ERIC:
Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
RED:
(to Eric)
There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here, nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna, eventually she's gonna turn into that.
(points to the bathroom door)
And then, a few years later, you'll die.
ERIC:
(beat)
Okay, thanks for the bedtime story.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
The basement is empty, the lights all out. The lock clicks, the basement door opens, and Hyde and Fez step in, hitting the lights as they enter. Fez still has his bag of eggs.
They make it halfway to the couch when Jackie comes out from Hyde's room.
JACKIE:
Hello, Steven.
Hyde and Fez both jump. Fez throws his bag up, and it lands behind him with the sound of many cracking shells.
FEZ:
Ai.
Hyde looks over at Jackie.
HYDE:
Jackie? Did Forman finally give you a key?
JACKIE:
No.
HYDE:
Then how'd you get in here?
She holds up a bobby pin and wiggles it around before placing it back in her hair. Hyde shrugs and takes a step toward her.
HYDE (cont'd):
Look, Jackie, I know you wanted to spend Saturday night together, and I kind of blew you off, so... we're not doing the egg thing, so if you wanna go -
JACKIE:
No, no, Steven. Look, you are an independent man set in his ways, and you've never had a girlfriend before. You've never been shown how to obey one.
Hyde shakes his head, "are you kidding me?"
JACKIE (cont'd):
But I've thought about it, and I think I've found a way we can spend Saturday night together that combines what you like and what I like.
She goes to the record player and drops the needle. "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet comes on. Jackie smiles up at Hyde and begins dancing in place. He shrugs and nods.
HYDE:
Not bad.
JACKIE:
I know, right? And...
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small paper bag. She tosses it to Hyde, who knows exactly what it is.
HYDE:
This is my stash.
JACKIE:
Yeah, I thought you'd have a better hiding place for it than an old shirt pocket.
She dances her way over to Hyde, stopping right in front of him. He looks down at her, grinning ear to ear.
HYDE:
I think a special night deserves a special treat.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE. SET TO "BALLROOM BLITZ."
A) FORMAN KICHEN - Hyde, in Kitty's silly-looking oven mitts, mixes up a big bowl of brownie mix. Jackie, at his side, sticks her finger into the batter and gets a taste.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
It was like lightning...
B) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde lifts the finished tray of brownies out of the oven as Jackie watches (as best she can) over his shoulder.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
Everybody was fighting...
C) FORMAN KITCHEN – Overhead on the kitchen table as Hyde slices the brownies up.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
And the music was soothing...
D) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde and Jackie each have a brownie. They link arms, smile at each other, and each take a big bite.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
And they all started grooving...
E) Extreme close-up on Jackie's eyes, then Hyde's behind his shades, as the "special ingredient" kicks in.
F) FORMAN KITCHEN – Hyde and Jackie sit together, their heads leaned against one another, their mouths set in spacey smiles, as the walls spin around them with the effects of the brownies.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah!
G) FORMAN KITCHEN – HIGH SPEED. HAND-HELD. WIDE ANGLE. Jackie and Hyde stand before an open freezer, taking shots of whipped cream straight from the can into their mouths.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
And the man in the back...
H) FORMAN LIVING ROOM – HIGH SPEED. The couch, the coffee table, and Red's chair are all shoved back out of the way, leaving room for Hyde and Jackie to do a wild dance all over the floor.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
... Said "everyone attack"
And it turned into a ballroom blitz!
I) FORMAN BEDROOM – HIGH SPEED. Jackie sits at Kitty's nightstand, admiring her reflection. She has on Hyde's sunglasses. He enters the room, surprising her. He lunges when he sees her with his shades, but she jumps up, dodges, and runs out of the room, giggling, as Hyde gives chase.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
And the girl in the corner
Said "boy, I wanna warn ya..."
J) FORMAN BASEMENT – HIGH SPEED. Hyde comes charging down the stairs with Jackie slung over his shoulder. She still wears his shades. They race right past Fez, who has been standing around in the basement for this entire montage. They almost make it to Hyde's room when he sets Jackie down. The two of them run to Fez, each grab an arm, and shoo him out the basement door. Hyde locks it behind him. He and Jackie nod and shake hands before he picks her back up and carries her to his room.
BALLROOM BLITZ (v.o.):
"It'll turn into a ballroom blitz!"
Ballroom blitz!
Ballroom blitz!
Ballroom blitz!
Ballroom blitz!
BUMPER
EXT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY
The next day, late afternoon. The Vista Cruiser rests in the parking lot. Red and Eric unload the car as Kitty steps out and stretches. She's all smiles, in a wonderful mood; she's the only one.
KITTY:
What a wonderful weekend! We should go away more often!
Laughing, she heads into the house. Red, looking one step from death, turns to Eric.
RED:
They've gotta make a pill for this.
He follows Kitty inside.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
The place is a mess. The mixing bowl is out with the spoon inside, the decimated tray of brownies is still on the table, the whipped cream can is on the floor, and bags, boxes, cans, and pans of half-eaten snacks are everywhere.
Red and Kitty just start to take it all in when a yawning Hyde comes up from the basement in an open bathrobe and sweatpants.
RED:
Steven! What the hell is all this?
Hyde freezes mid-step.
HYDE:
(beat)
The folly of prohibition is what it is! You take away beer, you see what happens.
Red rolls his eyes as Kitty takes another wide-eyed look around the room.
CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
Eric finishes unloading the Vista Cruiser. Donna comes up the driveway.
DONNA:
Hi.
ERIC:
Okay. I know you love Marquette, and you know what? I've made my peace with that. So if that means that we're going to go to separate schools, and drift apart, and make out with guys named Ted, then that's just the way it's gonna have to be, because you're gonna get menopause, and I'm gonna die, and we can't control anything that happens to us!
DONNA:
(beat)
I'm not going to Marquette.
ERIC:
Well, then, never mind.
They sit down on the open back of the car.
DONNA:
I mean... Eric, I loved it, and when I was driving home, I was so excited to tell you about it. And then the drive took forever. And I realized that's how far away I'd be from you all the time. And I don't want that. So I'll just tell my dad I want to go to UW with you.
ERIC:
Donna, you have no idea how happy you just made me.
DONNA:
Eric, this is gonna be great! We're gonna be together all the time!
ERIC:
Ooh. Um, you're not gonna get all clingy, right?
DONNA:
(laughing)
Shut up!
ERIC:
No, come on, I'm gonna be a big college man.
DONNA:
Uh-huh.
ERIC:
I'm gonna need my space.
They share another laugh and scoot closer together on the car.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Another day. Kitty dries the dishes by the sink while Red watches her from the island. Kelso enters through the patio door, another envelope pinned to his jacket.
RED:
(to Kelso)
What do you want?
KELSO:
Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.
Red takes a note from the envelope.
RED:
(reading)
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Forman, please give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents."
Kitty lets out a big laugh and retreats to the living room.
RED:
(beat)
Well, you made her laugh. That's worth thirty bucks.
He pulls out some bills and drops them into Kelso's envelope.
END.
The only additional change we should assume for Season 5 in this timeline is that the changeover to 1978 happens in episode 5-10 [according to production order], "The Crunge."
Well, we made it into Season 5, and we're past the point where there are any major continuity issues to address. The goal of keeping the Zen story going after "Jackie Bags Hyde" and syncing back into the show's established timeline is met, and so we're done here.
...Or are we?