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20

Disarm

September came and went as the air grew colder. I had fallen into a routine of taking care of Charlie and his ruggedly handsome daddy. Never had I felt more at peace than I had as the autumn chill descended on Evergreen.

Looking back on my life last year at this time, I wondered how I had managed. Now, the thought of being alone, with nothing more than the ghosts of my past to keep me company, made me feel melancholy. I had allowed myself to be less happy than I could have been for a very, very long time. I couldn't help it, though. It wasn't my fault. None of it was my fault. I knew this now.

I looked up from my sketchbook, peering over at Charlie as he played in the grass. He was getting bigger and more independent by the day. I wished he could always be like this: so little and loving. One day, he would grow up to be the man he was meant to be and would move on with his life. I hope I'm there to see this. I had become so attached to him already. The thought of letting him go now was unbearable. That won't happen. Edward loves you. This could be your life forever.

From my spot on the grass, I leaned back against the oak tree behind me and closed my eyes, allowing the crisp, early-autumn wind to tickle my face. Charlie's babbles made me smile—he was enjoying the weather, too. I opened my eyes again and looked at him, finding his cheeks slightly flushed from the wind. Reaching out, I plucked him off of the ground and cradled him in my arms, nuzzling his face before I pulled away to look at him. His smile was serene.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." I remembered the Fitzgerald quote with a wistful smile. He had been right; fall felt like a new beginning. Charlie giggled against my neck and began to play with my hair. I hope every day will soon be like this. I held him close, enjoying the moment. These moments were becoming more and more common as each day passed.

"What do you think, Charlie? Isn't this wonderful?"

He gave me a gummy grin, beaming at me. He babbled a few words in response, causing me to wish I could hear his sentence phonetically.

"It's wonderful. I haven't had a fall like this … in a very long time," I admitted, snuggling him closer. "This is your first fall, isn't it?"

He giggled at my question and leaned back to get a better look at my face.

"You're experiencing your first everything. I've got to say, Charlie, I envy you." I paused for a moment, calculating, before I grinned and continued. "Well, I suppose I'm experiencing some new things, too. For instance, I've never been in love before. I've never had a family of my own."

Of course, Edward and Charlie weren't truly my family, but they felt like they were. We felt like one unit; our lives were intertwined.

"I love you, Charlie," I murmured those three words out loud.

I loved Charlie unconditionally—like his mother would, if she were alive. She still actively loves him. I'm sure somewhere in the universe … somehow … she's there, watching him grow. Suddenly, I wondered what Charlie's mother would think of me. I wondered if she would approve of the woman I was; I wondered if she would be happy that I was here to take care of her son. While she wasn't here to answer me, I believed she would be satisfied. I believed she would love me just as I would love her, too. I loved her now. I loved her, and I loved Dean, too. I wish they were here.

As much as I loved having Charlie to care for, I wished he still had his biological parents. One day, he would learn the truth about them. One day, his heart would break just like mine had when I had lost my mother. One day … but not today. He needed to enjoy these blissfully ignorant and perfectly happy moments. Perfectly happy moments will come again, but once his eyes were opened, he will change. Edward can't shield him from the world forever.

"I love you, Charlie," I said again as tears pricked my eyes.

Perhaps one day, I would be able to say those words to Edward. He deserved to know the truth.

Closing my eyes, I relaxed against the tree's trunk and imaged her, Charlie's mother, Cat. In my mind, she was beautiful. I pictured the love that must have swam in her eyes while she looked at her son. I envisioned the hope she had once had for him. I imagined all the possibilities she must have seen while looking at him. I imagined she had pictured him as a teenager and as an adult. I believed she had pictured an entire life for him where he made her proud every step of the way. She must have felt every emotion I felt now.

In my imagination, she smiled at me, her beautiful face beaming. As I daydreamed, I felt Charlie's fingers playing with the ends of my hair. I smiled and slipped further into my musings.

"He's so big already. I would have never imagined …" the image of her muttered as her eyes were glued to Charlie.

"He surprises me every day," I responded. "He's always doing something new and different. He's so smart … so smart it astonishes me. He'll grow to be better than anything I could ever be."

Her gaze turned to me. "He loves you, you know?"

"I know," I whispered.

"Take care of him. Love him for me, Isabella."

I gasped, surprised as she said my name. "I will," I answered her, as I watched her image turn away.

"Hold him tight for me," she said over her shoulder as her image began to fade in my head. "Tell him you love him every day. Do that for me."

"I will," I answered again before her image disappeared in my thoughts.

My eyelids fluttered open as my body sagged against the tree. Tree bark tickled the skin of my neck as I considered my brief delusion. I felt like I had just spoken with a ghost. Or an angel … My gaze dropped to Charlie. His eyes watched me expectantly; a smile never left his face. I held him tightly—for her.

Edward appeared haggard as he entered his apartment later in the evening. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and attempted to smile for me, obviously not wanting to seem so grim.

"Baby, we don't have to go out tonight," I said as I stood from my spot on the couch and traversed across the carpet, pulling him into a hug. "Charlie and I would be just as happy eating in."

He pulled back to smile at me. This time, his smile reached his eyes.

"That sounds good, babe. I'll just have to take you out some other time."

Then, he bent forward and pressed his lips against mine. The softness of his lips juxtaposed with the roughness of his kiss always had the power to take my breath away. His tongue darted out and traced the fullness of my bottom lip before he pulled away to look at me. I blushed under his gaze as his eyes wandered over the panes of my body. In a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt and without a trace of makeup, I didn't feel sexy; however, as he stared at my breasts, hips, and thighs, I began to feel a tingle between my legs, feeling gorgeous. He bent forward and gave me another quick kiss, teasing me. He pulled away, leaving me breathless.

"We just need to run to the store first," I told him, still reeling from our shared passion. "Do you guys want to stay here? Or, we can all run to the store together?"

In this moment, I felt like we were truly a family.

"We can all go," he answered with a grin. "Just let me change real quick."

My eyes trailed after him as he moved toward the bedroom. I looked down at Charlie, who was perched on the floor with one of his beloved stuffed animals, and found he looked at the empty space his father had just occupied with inquisitive eyes.

My gaze shifted back to Edward, who had left the bedroom door ajar. If I peered tenaciously enough, I could make out his firm body moving around in the dim light of his bedroom. Biting down on my bottom lip, I watched as he slipped his shirt off, pulling it over his head to reveal a broad chest, defined abdominals, and ink covering every inch of exposed skin. Although I couldn't see perfectly clear, I swore I saw a few piercings, too. I flushed as I watched his strong, muscular arms reach to unbutton his jeans and nearly passed out as he unzipped his fly. As if he knew I was watching, he turned away from me before dropping his jeans to the floor, revealing nothing else underneath.

Holy fucking shit! For the love of all that is holy. That's his freaking ass! Okay, calm down, Isabella. You've seen an ass before; one man's ass isn't different from another's. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Edward's ass is completely different than any other man's. Edward's ass is perfect. Absolutely divine. I want to kiss it, and bite on it, and spank it. I want to grab it as he drives into me, taking me to places I never knew existed.

Charlie's cries brought me back to the present, and I noticed they caused Edward to speed up the process of changing. Now, I was really flushing. I wondered if Edward knew the small peep show he was allowing me. Or wasn't allowing me. Edward came bolting out of the bedroom, giving his son an apologetic glance as he reached to pick him up off of the floor. As soon as he turned to meet my gaze, I turned red, remembering what I had witnessed a few moments before. Perfect ass; perfect abdominals; perfect … everything. I bit down on my bottom lip to stifle a moan as my eyes roamed leisurely over his body.

"You ready to go?" he asked so casually I wondered if he hadn't stripped in front of me on purpose.

Wishful thinking.

With a bashful smile, I nodded. Although, I wished I could see his unclothed body again. He stared at me for a moment before he smirked, obviously noting my blush. That smirk made me want him even more. There was something about the quiet confidence he had at times that made me want to drop to my knees in front of him. As we headed out, I imagined it, wondering what my lips would feel like wrapped around his cock.

The drive to the supermarket had been short. Charlie had spent the duration of the time babbling loudly in his car seat. I had held Edward's hand over the center console, basking in the sensation caused by his thumb rubbing circles against my palm—I had enjoyed the warmth of his skin against mine. I had never imagined handholding could be so intimate, but with Edward, it was. The feeling of him had kept my mind occupied until we had reached the supermarket. Quickly, I had become distracted by the exciting prospect of grocery shopping.

"Okay, we'll be in and out really quickly. I promise," I assured Edward as I slipped out of his truck.

Despite his tired eyes, Edward gave me a knowing smile, which said, "Baby, I know you're going to take your sweet time." In the time he had known me, he had grown accustomed to my supermarket shopping habits. I always did a good lap around the store, looking through every department before I even reached the food. Edward was different—always in and out. If he could be anywhere, he would want to be in his apartment with his little guy. He hated spending time on things that didn't matter. This was another thing I loved about him—he was a homebody, like me.

As we entered the store, I pulled out the list of groceries I had snatched off of my refrigerator. Edward gazed at me as he bounced an exuberant Charlie in his arms.

"Let's do a quick lap before we head to the groceries, okay?"

Edward stared at me for a second before a laugh escaped his lips.

"Real quick, huh? Somehow, I don't believe you."

"Edward, I promise. I won't be long," I said as I pulled a cart for myself and guided him to the women's clothing section.

Thirty minutes later, Edward was restless. I felt guilty, but every time I asked if he was all right, he reassured me, claiming he liked watching me shop for clothes. Due to my distaste for the mall, supermarkets were the only places I regularly purchased clothing. If Edward was bored, at least Charlie seemed to be entertained while I shopped. His hands moved from fabric to fabric, running his little fingers curiously over the different tops and discovering how each of the materials felt. As his fingers came across a plush, oversized sweater he giggled, being tickled by the material. Edward smiled at this before he turned his attention to me.

"Do you mind if I take him to the toy department?" Edward asked, appearing bored despite wanting to be with me.

Looking up from the pile of clothing in my hands, I answered him. "That's fine. I've got to try on this stuff anyway. Just call me if you get lost." I winked.

My eyes followed him as he walked away, drifting down the aisle toward the toy section in the far right corner of the store. I noticed my eyes weren't the only ones consumed by the sight of him. Other women seemed just as smitten. I gave a glare to one of the women in particular before returning to my shopping. I supposed I had to grow used to going out with a man like Edward. He commanded attention wherever he went. His aura, ink, and attractive stature were all impossible to miss. Although he never said so much to me, I was sure he got hit on constantly. Perhaps he was so accustomed to the attention he no longer considered a little flirtation as something notable.

Chattering pulled my mind away from my shopping, and I looked up from the clothes in my cart to find a group of women gossiping nearby. Usually, I wouldn't eavesdrop on a conversation—I was usually far too wrapped up in my own thoughts to do that—however, the subject matter of this conversation made it impossible for me to ignore.

"I couldn't imagine having someone like that."

"Yeah, I could definitely use a young guy to help me around the house … entertain me whenever Jack's away."

"Hell, he could entertain me while my husband was in the same room. With him around, who has time for anyone else?"

One of the women snickered before her eyes shot over to meet my gaze. She gave me an artificially apologetic smile before she returned her attention to her friends. The group of them seemed so fake—so insufferable. Perhaps this was just my jealousy speaking because, usually, I wasn't harsh to other women. Usually, I tried to be understanding—almost to a fault—but these women irked me in a way I couldn't ignore.

Edward wasn't just a piece of meat. Of course, I frequently daydreamed about his body, too. But it was different when I did it, dammit! I was his girlfriend. I could think about his cock if I wanted to! These women, however … I flushed at the jealous feelings burning a hole in the pit of my stomach. Edward was so much more than just his appearance.

"Can you believe out of all the women in the world, he—"

"Jesus, Karen. She can probably hear you."

The woman, Karen, rolled her eyes at her friend's comment, seemingly put out. "Oh, calm down. I wasn't going to say anything, Beth."

The group shot me another look before they rolled their carts away. Surprising myself, I started laughing. Once I started, it felt impossible to stop. Something about the way they spoke was hilarious. It was astounding that, at their age, they still didn't understand love. Maybe they had never experienced it themselves before, but love wasn't about shallow things. Love wasn't about finding the best-looking partner or most wealthy partner or even the "perfect" partner. I believed love wasn't about finding anything; I believed love found you.

Maybe one could look at their partner and wonder if they could do better, but would they want to? Would they want to do "better," or would they merely want the person they had, realizing they were perfect for them? There's a reason Edward and I had found each other. I wasn't sure if we were well suited for each other in every way, but I was sure we were meant to be together. We were perfectly imperfect. Our jagged edges smoothed and fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Pieces of a puzzle we could never form with anyone else. Due to this, I knew I shouldn't feel self-conscious. I shouldn't worry if another woman was smarter than me, thinner than me, prettier than me, or richer than me because they weren't me. There would always be someone better, but I would always be the one and only Isabella Marie Swan. I would always be uniquely myself.

I shopped for a while longer, placing a few more items in my cart before I decided to seek Edward out. Hopefully, they found something interesting, and they weren't merely meandering about while waiting on me. After the long day Edward had, I felt guilty for taking so long to browse the clothing section—something I could have done anytime I came alone.

I moved through aisles of toys and action figures before I came across them. Edward had a book in one hand and Charlie situated comfortably in the crook of his other arm. In front of them was a woman. While she was older than us, I could tell just by viewing her profile that she had been heartbreakingly beautiful her entire life. She looked familiar, but for the life of me, I couldn't place her. She even felt familiar. I was certain if I had seen her face at some point, I would be able to recognize her now. She didn't strike me as someone to be forgotten.

With long chestnut brown hair and lovely features, she was striking. Her body was slight but had subtle curves where any woman would want them most. She looked to be in her late forties and, judging by the way she was dressed, appeared to come from money. This woman looked like she had walked off the set of a classic movie, reminding me of Isabella Lake or Katherine Hepburn.

Realizing I had been gaping at her, standing awkwardly at the end of the small aisle, I moved forward to introduce myself.

"Hey, I'm Bella Swan," I said awkwardly as I watched her turn from serene to skittish. I wondered if I made her uncomfortable. Was she after Edward?

I shook my head at the thought. While she seemed interested in him, she didn't seem interested in him in that way—the way many women were. Her fascination seemed strangely different. She looked at Edward as if she were seeing a ghost. Her green eyes, while beautiful, looked haunted. She looked far older all of a sudden as she apologized and moved back over to the cart she abandoned before leaving the aisle. I stared after her, perplexed as I watched her retreat.

"Who was that woman?" I questioned as I turned my attention back to Edward.

He looked just as haunted—just as unsettled as the woman had. His entire body was rigid as if he had just received a physical blow. What did I miss? What had happened? I wanted to ask, but Edward seemed just as confused as I was. He stared at the spot she had just occupied as if he were waiting for her to reappear. He was lost in his own thoughts again as he searched for an answer.

Baffled, he finally answered. "I've no idea."

His voice was gruff and uncomfortable. Judging by the look on his face, she felt familiar to him, too.