Chapter 22 – The World Keeps Turning

When I wake in the morning to Holly's bleating cries, Noah is still curled up at my back like a baby koala. I crawl out of bed, careful not to wake him, and take Holly into the living room.

"Come on jellybean," I say, laying her down on the sofa and reaching for the wipes. "Don't wake up the whole house…I've just got to change this diaper and then I'll get you some milk." I sigh. "You know, if your mama was here, we'd all still be in bed…wouldn't that be good? She'd be able to just tuck you in with us and give you a boob and we'd still be all warm and comfortable…"

The memory rises unbidden, of warm and lazy mornings in bed, wrapped around Rosalie as she sleepily nursed babies. I remember what it felt like to hold her, my whole world right there in my arms, the sweet smell of breastmilk in my nose and her hair tickling my face.

I miss you so much.

"I'll warm up a bottle for her."

I jump a little when I hear Alice behind me. I wouldn't have expected her to get up this early, especially after a night out, but by the time I've put on a new diaper and buttoned Holly back into her sleeper she's there with a warm bottle and outstretched arms.

"Can I feed her?"

"Sure." I pass the baby over and Alice curls up in the corner of the sofa, cradling her in the crook of her arm. Holly's discontented grumbling stops as soon as the bottle touches her lips.

For a few moments we sit together, Holly's contented sucking and lip smacking the only sound in the otherwise silent house.

"I'm sorry about last night," I say eventually.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Alice says contritely. "I knew it was probably too soon to be talking about other women, but she was really checking you out and I guess I thought...maybe it would make you feel better. Even if only for a little while. I was stupid."

My laugh ends in a heavy sigh. "I miss her too much Alice. Every minute of every day…I don't have enough space in my head for anything else. Especially picking up women."

Alice combs Holly's curls away from her face. "I get that. But…" She hesitates for a moment and then says hurriedly, "But you won't always feel that way. Maybe not now, or even anytime soon, but one day someone is going to be looking at you like that woman was looking at you last night and you're going to find yourself looking back. And that will be okay, Emmett, it really will. You can't live your life for a memory. Rosalie wouldn't want you to."

I lean back on the sofa and stare up at the ceiling. "I can't even see it…I keep saying it, but I don't know how to be without her."

"I don't know how it would be either," Alice says. "I mean, you and Rosalie…you've been together since I was five years old, and I know that you'll never love anyone else in quite the same way. But you're not old Emmett, and your life isn't over even though you might feel like it is. I was too quick to jump in and start on about it last night," she says with a guilty look. "It's too soon. But I really wanted you to know that I love you, and I'll support you whatever you do. Except…you have to stop drinking."

I grimace. "Yeah, yeah…"

"No, I mean it. Everyone else is tiptoeing around you and no one wants to come out and say it…heck, even I kind of fudged it a bit when I brought it up the other day, but what you are doing is just not okay. At all. You're drinking nearly every day, you're drinking too much when you do, and…well, you're turning into kind of a jerk when you're drunk," Alice says baldly. "Everyone understands, and no one wants to make things harder for you so they're not coming out and saying it…but you're hurting yourself and putting the kids at risk and they deserve better than that." She puts aside the empty bottle and lifts Holly against her shoulder, rubbing her back and eyeing me directly over the baby's head. "YOU are better than that."

Her words sting, because I recognise the truth in what she's saying. I'm saved from having to answer immediately though, as Zeke waddles into the room and makes a beeline for my arms.

"Dada!"

I pick him up and hug him, kissing his dimpled cheek and nuzzling into the warm creases of his neck to make him laugh. "I know you're right," I say quietly to Alice. "I need to stop. It's just…hard. But I'm trying to change things. Esme's helping me sort out the childcare issue and I've started taking some bookings so I can work again. It'll make a difference I think. If we can find anyone to look after you monsters that is!" I add a little more light-heartedly as Mac stumbles into the room and squeezes onto my lap with Zeke. "Three babies all day, six kids part of the day…it's a lot to ask!"

"As I've always said, better you than me!" Alice says cheerfully. "I love spending time with you all but I've been here eight days and dear god but this is hard work!" She kisses Holly and grins at me. "Frankly I have no idea how anyone does it at all. Now, Mac-Attack…Jasper and I are going back to New York today, but how about we take you all out for breakfast first?"

Mac nods emphatically, and I'm up for anything that means I don't have to cook/ clean up/ grocery shop to replace the eaten food. It's even worth the hassle of getting everyone up and dressed, diaper bags packed, kids strapped into carseats and then all hauled out at the other end when we get to IHOP. Alice pays for breakfast and I leave a massive tip to make up for the massive mess two babies in high chairs are capable of creating with pancakes and syrup, and then we all go to the airport. I'm really reluctant to say goodbye to my sister, and as she gives me a long hug in the airport lounge I think I'm not the only one feeling it.

"Thanks for coming for Christmas," I say. "I don't know how I would have got through it without you."

"Anytime." Alice gives me a final squeeze and looks at me anxiously. "Take care of yourself…I love you." She swoops down and gives hugs and kisses to all the kids. "I love all of you! Next time you'll have to come visit us in the city."

I'm surprised by the usually undemonstrative Jasper giving me a hug too. "Keep in touch," he says quietly. "Call us if you need anything."

The kids and I wave until Alice and Jasper disappear through their gate. After that we stay in the airport lounge for a while, because the boys are having so much fun watching the planes taxiing and taking off outside the window. We have to leave when Bram starts to smell, and then I have the fun of trying to corral all six of them in a bathroom while I change his diaper and try desperately not to let anyone else touch anything. Hoping no one has picked up MRSA I herd them all out to the car and drive back towards town, but instead of going home I stop by Edward and Bella's house.

"Emmett!" Bella opens the door with Eliza bouncing at her side. "Hi you guys."

"Hi, we've come to visit…sorry…" I put Holly's car seat down on the doormat and pass Bram from my other arm towards Bella. "Can you…?"

I run back down the street after Zeke, who has taken advantage of the fact that I don't have three hands and has started walking away as fast as his chubby, unsteady little legs will carry him. At least he's stayed on the pavement and not run into the street. He giggles gleefully as I grab him up into my arms and mutter a few swear word into his ear, and he plants sloppy, open-mouthed kisses on my cheek.

"Dada!"

"Troublemaker," I say with a resigned laugh, carrying him back to Bella.

"Come on in." Bella settles Bram on her hip and smiles at me. "Edward's been called in to work, so it's just me and Eliza."

"I'm sorry I didn't call," I say, following her through the house to the living room at the back and letting Zeke down.

"That's fine, we're not busy," Bella answers. She puts Bram down by the sofa and offers him and Zeke some toys. "The kids can find something to watch on Netflix if they'd like. I was just making a cup of tea, do you want one?"

"Yes please." I watch for a moment to make sure the kids aren't going to do anything immediately destructive, and then back into the kitchen. Holly's asleep in her car seat so I set her down on the floor as I sit at the table, automatically angling my chair so that I can still see into the living room. Bram and Zeke are picking through the toys with Eliza trying to show them particular things, while Mac and Noah and Daisy flip through the Netflix menu.

"Thanks," I say, as Bella hands me a mug. I stir in some sugar and try to smile. "Bells, I had to come and say I'm sorry about last night. I behaved like an ass, and what I said…I'm really sorry, and I hope you can forget it. I'm truly happy for you and Edward."

"Thank you. And it's okay." Bella takes a sip of her tea. "I know that the timing of this is awful, but we didn't plan it this way. We actually found out I was pregnant right before Rosalie…right before Holly was born. We were just waiting until after that to share the news, but then everything went wrong and it didn't seem right to be celebrating."

I shake my head. "You don't have to live your life around me. You and Edward are great parents, and Eliza's going to be a great big sister…this is a good thing. Babies are a good thing." I'm horrified to hear my voice crack, and I press my fist against my teeth to steady myself. "And you're going to be fine. What I said last night…don't pay any attention to that. You're not worrying, are you? It's all going to go well."

"I'm not worried." Bella pauses and then says carefully. "Edward's kind of a wreck though."

"But he knows how unlikely anything bad is to happen though, right? I mean, things like what happened with Rosalie are so rare; people have babies all the time and it's fine," I say.

Bella nods, "He knows all that. But Edward was also right outside the operating room when they were trying to save Rosalie's life. He watched her die, and that was…it hasn't been easy for him."

I have a sudden, vivid memory of Edward's face as he told me that Rosalie had died, and I swallow hard. It occurs to me that, lost in my own pain, I have never stopped to really think about what it was like for him to watch them try to save her, and fail.

"It won't be like that for you," I say softly.

"No, it won't be. I've already decided I'm going to have a repeat c-section, for one. I had a c-sec with Eliza because she was breech and I'd thought about trying for a VBAC next time but…I don't think Edward could handle it, to be honest." Bella sighs. "You should have seen him at the ultrasound we had – he insisted the tech spend just about as much time looking at the placenta as he did at the baby."

"And everything looks okay?"

Bella smiles reassuringly. "It looks fine. They can't guarantee no placental issues, but there is absolutely nothing to indicate it's not all completely normal. The baby looks perfect and everything's growing right on schedule; we're due at the start of July."

"Right around Daisy's birthday," I say.

"Yes- because it's scheduled we get to pick the date though, and my OB looked pretty unenthusiastic at the idea of a holiday delivery!" Bella laughs. "With a repeat c-sec they'll probably organise it a week or two earlier."

"Well, let me know if you need any baby stuff. After having twins I've got two of everything…I guess you don't know if it's a boy or girl yet?"

Bella shakes her head. "Not yet. And I don't know if Edward will even want that much uncertainty, but I'm not sure I want to find out either. With a scheduled c-section we're going to know the birthday and everything ahead of time, so I thought it might be nice to have at least something be a surprise." She smiles. "I'm all about the hand-me-down clothes though!"

"Well, I've got enough baby clothes stored in my basement to start my own consignment shop," I say with forced cheerfulness. "And that's without the dresser and closet full of stuff that Holly is still wearing, and the two Rubbermaid tubs of stuff in the next size up for her to grow in to. You know how Rosalie loved to shop. I'll keep everything for you, and then when the baby is born you can come over and take whatever you want."

"That will be great," Bella says. "I'm glad you know now. I didn't like feeling like I was keeping a secret from you, but I didn't want to upset you either."

I try to smile. "I'm happy for you guys. Really. This is going to be great."

"Thank you. But you don't have to pretend that this isn't hard for you." Bella gives me a direct look. "If I was in your position I don't think someone's pregnancy would have me jumping up and down with joy either." She reaches out and squeezes my hand. "I've known you a long time Emmett, and you can be honest with me now. I'm not going to be upset or offended by the way you feel."

"I want to stop time," I say hollowly. "Part of me hates that the world keeps on turning and everyone keeps on moving forward…and all of it just drags me further and further away from the time when Rosalie was here. I don't want to move on. But everything keeps changing and already it's so different to the way it was when she was alive…there's Holly and she's getting bigger and smiling and everything, Mac lost his first tooth, and Bram and Zeke started walking and now they're even starting to talk…and now here's you and Edward having another baby that Rosalie will never get to know. I don't want a world without her, but it's building itself more and more every single day, and I can't do anything about it." My voice breaks.

Bella hugs me. "Oh Emmett."

"I know I can't live my life like this," I go on haltingly. "I just…I can't. I'm going to have to move on too, figure out how to live without her and feel okay. But the thought of it, of waking up one day and not feeling that devastation is fucking terrifying."

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting," Bella says slowly. "And letting go of your pain doesn't mean that your love – and your loss – is any less profound. But you can't live half a life. You deserve better than that."

Bram walks into the kitchen and I hold my arms out to him. He lets me lift him onto my lap and I hug him, only realising when he pats my face that there are tears on my cheeks. "I'm trying," I say to Bella. "Esme's trying to help me sort out childcare so I can go back to work and…"

"Oh, I can't believe I forgot!" Bella slaps her forehead. "Pregnancy brain I guess…I've solved that problem for you."

I look at her. "What, the childcare? Are you offering to do it? Because no offence Bella, you are an amazing woman and all, but I doubt even you can look after Eliza and a newborn plus six of my kids."

"Not a chance! No, not me…do you remember Angela Weber from Camden?"

I think back to high school. "Um…tall girl? Always making worthy speeches at assembly and raising money for good causes? That one?"

Bella laughs. "Yes, Angela was always really into social justice issues! She's still one of the nicest people I've ever known, and she's back in town and needing a job. She's got childcare qualifications and she'll be perfect for you guys."

My arms instinctively tighten around Bram. "I don't know…"

"You don't have to know. I've already given her Esme's number to arrange an interview." Bella grins. "Trust me on this one, Emmett, Angela is exactly what you need."