I am a devotee to the words of the immortal philosopher, Thumper, who said, 'If you can't say nuthin' nice, don't say nuthin' at all!'
(Line and character credit to Disney's Bambi)
Additional author's note beneath the glossary...
A special thank you to Dizzy-Lizzy-60 You have been a wonderful fount for encouragement.
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It can be said that a single man with youth on his side is capable of becoming a fearsome creature on a Sunday afternoon with nothing to do. It could also be maintained that said ferocity might be made more so by the presence of several such men, as were currently within the walls of Netherfield Park. While several of the constituents of the hunting party had been invited elsewhere to share Sunday dinner with various families within the community, a dozen single men were within the walls with an overall air of ennui. A few were scattered about with a book. However, nothing that truly held their attention. The Manor's library was beyond sparse, and there were too few books brought along between the group to be of much consequence. A small handful of men had eventually found their way to the billiards room, and as so often occurs in a gathering of restless men, their conversation quickly turned to the subject of women...as Charles Bingley could hear clearly down the hallway while he was attempting to address an issue with the butler.
'...When it was made known to me that this shire was without a brothel, I thought surely there would be an enterprising widow about, but nary a whisper of such. The wench at the low pub nearly popped the thumb off my hand when I gave her a personal acknowledgment of her cooler. Not even a dollimop at the pub? Singular!' said one voice, his dismissive sneer clearly heard down the hallway.
'At the pub? You are looking too low. If it is a short-heeled wench you seek, my wager would be on the twins from the assembly. Did anyone else get a gander at their dairy? I would not object to a clearer view myself.' responded another man, as he chuckled with less than chaste images upon his mind.
'I would think not if I hadn't heard the Mother. Not only did she seat them in the area commonly reserved for those barely tolerated by the township, but she with her own words all but announced their fees for services as she sent them on!' asserted the first man.
Charles Bingley came into the room as the last words were scarcely completed. His fists clenched, his jaw rigid, and his face alarmingly crimson. 'You will cease this ungentlemanly prattle immediately!' His usually amiable manners set aside to reveal a man with whom should not be pushed too far.
'And you will cease in eavesdropping on your betters, you purblind pup!'
'If speaking in such a tumultuous manner that you can be easily discerned as if standing at my side from five doors down with this door standing full open is within your definition of eavesdropping, then you Sir have the most queer idea of privacy in my experience! Moreover, if you are unable to keep yourself in proper regulation for less than a sennight, perhaps you would be better to quit the party and return to London on the quick to tend to your baser urges and spare the fair persons in this town! Furthermore, if it is a pushing school you seek, I can suggest sabers in the ballroom at your earliest convenience, if it is a lesson in proper manners you require. Those women you so willfully disparage are the sisters of the Angel who has turned my eye, and I will not hear of further talk of their person. Am I to be fully understood?'
Vague guttural acknowledgements were heard about the room.
Charles proceeded to walk to a table at the far end of the room, glaring incredulously at the empty decanter which was full previous. He proceeded to ring for tea and coffee, and declared that no further spirits to the public room this day.
While Richard Fitzwilliam could not make out the fullness of words echoing below stairs, he could hear expressed passions of anger clearly enough. The Darcys, also hearing the uproar followed in Richard's wake. The three gentlemen made haste in following the raised voices to the billiards room, only to each become increasingly incensed with what they heard.
'Bingley, if you require further assistance in defending the honor of the Miss Bennetts, you need look no further than to your right.' declared Richard upon his entrance, deposing of the standard greetings before addressing those in the room.
Charles bowed his head to acknowledge his friends.
'I do not believe the crossing of blades may be fully necessary. Each of you gave your word to uphold proper behavior during this undertaking. If you cannot tame your tongue, perhaps you are better suited towards ways of the Ton than you previously held. Moreover, each of you agreed to Bingley as your host. I do not believe referring to your host as an eavesdropping pup is proper due to your host, regardless of his status or your opinion of it forthwith. We shall leave you to make your arrangements for your travel at first light. Are we of equal understanding on this?' None but Richard and Charles were certain of which Darcy was speaking. His low, steely voice cut through each of the men.
After the four commonplace minded gentleman made their quiet exit, the remaining gentleman did their utmost to regain their equanimity. Shortly after the arrival of the tray of tea and coffee, Bingley left the room to inform his sister of the change in their number, and to have her see what might be done to quiet any gabbing among the staff who might have been witness to the event. It would not be till some time later, after the fog of brandy had worn thin, that the offending men would realized they had likely caused fair damage to the connection between them and the gentlemen of Rosings Park and Pemberly.
A poor attempt at billiards was attempted by the trio. The calling of shots and good natured ribbing of each other in both their failed and successful shots were gone. Each man played in quiet introspection of the scene that had previously unfolded before them. Much concern that the reputation of the Bennett twins had been ruined even further than the attempts of Mrs. Bennett had already yielded.
The door had been closed, although none was completely certain who had done this. After an indeterminable amount of time,' We cannot count upon the discretion of a hastily hired staff of a leased property.' Alexander quietly stated.
After nodding agreement,'The exposure to gossip may be limited. The female staff within the family rooms is minimal on the Sabbath. I only saw the butler and a footman along our way.' Fitz changed the subject. ' Richard?In this moment of privacy, what do you know about the Bennetts?'
'I know little beyond what you know; what anyone knows. Mr. Bennett is a second son. His estate, Longbourn, appears to be a well-kept and successful estate, despite the neighborhood eyeing him as a recluse and his seemingly uninterested nature. I know little of the second Mrs Bennett. As far as the Bennett sisters, they are not true sisters. Miss Jane Bennett is the last surviving child of the eldest Mr. Bennett. Miss Mary and Miss Elizabeth were of Mr. Bennett and his first wife. Miss Kitty is of her first marriage. The family has connections to Cambridge, the law, the Army, and trade. I know not about the dowries of Miss Jane Bennett or Miss Kitty. However, the dowries of Miss Elizabeth and Miss Mary are rumored to be respectable for their status.' Richard's voice was quiet and stilted. His amiable nature was not reflected in his voice; his words sounding hollow.
'Richard, what is your connection to Miss Elizabeth and Miss Mary?'
'Nothing beyond a simple acquaintance.' replied Richard.
The snort in response was hardly suppressible. 'Do you believe us simpleton? We have heard you called by your Christian name in company. Your knowledge of the family, their fortune, and connections are far beyond that of a simple acquaintance. I observed you approach them with higher deference than I have ever witnessed you bestow upon any woman of any station. Whenever they present in company, you approach them before any and all others. James, your former batman serves as their groom, coachman and bodyguard. Did you send him, Richard? Have you an understanding with one of the ladies?' Fitz's voice was low, but questioning.
'The Bennett twins are truly of a singular kind, and how I came upon their acquaintance is not my tale to tell. Know I hold them in deepest respect and utmost admiration. I cradle them in the highest of esteem. Yet, I hold no romance for either lady. Do you hold a tendre' for one of them? If you or Alex wish to pursue them, you shall find no objection from me. It would only stand to reason that twins would find their eyes turned by twins.'
'There has been little opportunity to become better acquainted with either lady with the view of your back in our way at every occasion. How is it you are so skilled at so utterly upsetting them or others around them with such a small interval of time?' Alexander chimed in, his attempt to lighten the somber mood only somewhat successful.
Richard laughed. 'I would like to say that I fully understand the circumstances surrounding the Bennett twins, but I do not. Please, I ask you, inquire no further on this topic. Allow me to keep my own counsel.'
'There is something about this entire situation that brings me unease. I care not a whit for the obfuscation that appears so rampant in this situation. The wind about the Bennett twins, nearly every breeze seems to scent of you, Richard. I will accept your pleas today, but the hour may come when I demand a full accounting. Should that time come to pass, there will be little care for naught but the fullest of truth.' Fitzwilliam Darcy was very clear his displeasure. He loved Richard more as another brother than a cousin, and was therefore willing to tolerate the fogging over of the truth; for the moment.
Glossary:
ennui - a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement
cooler – ass
dollimop – amateur or part time whore
dairy, jugs – breasts
lightskirts – women of easy virtue
Purblind pup – dim-sighted dandy
queer -odd
pushing school – can mean school of swordsmanship or brothel
commonplace mind- a mind which is dirty or vulgar
gabbing – excessive talking/gossiping
simpleton – of very low intelligence
tumultuous – to make a loud uproar
knot – group or gang
short-heeled wench – A woman of easy virtue (likely to fall upon her back)
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A story for you where truth is stranger than fiction...
A man tried to mug me. He grabbed my shoulder and, to his astonishment, quickly found himself out of breath (elbow to the diaphragm), knee and hip tweaked (leg sweep), and a 3-stitch head wound (hit head on asphalt). He was wanted for several other muggings n the area, and was arrested on site. After his arrest, he began to scream a confession from the backseat of the squad car. Apparently, I was supposed to be an 'easy mark', and he never expected to be attacked by 'Jackie Chan's Grandma'. I shall wear my new moniker with pride!