Chapter 28

Tim woke up very suddenly, like the switch had just been thrown on his consciousness. He was awake and quivering with tension as he remembered what had happened. With his consciousness switched on again, he also felt the same anger he had before.

No, it wasn't just anger. It was outright rage. It was choking him, burning him from the inside out. He looked over and saw Zahara sleeping in a chair beside him. She was beautiful as always. Very pregnant and beautiful.

...and if he stayed here with her, he'd destroy her with the anger burning him up inside. He couldn't stay here with his wife, knowing that he'd ruin her, corrupt her, destroy her with this incandescent rage he felt toward the people who had held him captive and had killed Ray. No. He couldn't. He had to leave until he could find some way of letting the anger go. Then, he could come back. Only then.

He sat up and the movement woke Zahara.

"Tim, you're awake. Are you feeling any better?" she asked.

"No. Zahara, I have to leave."

"What? Why? Where will you go?"

"Away from here. Just for a while. Then, I'll be back."

Zahara's expression was one of confusion, mixed with hurt and fear. He knew why, but he couldn't explain to her that she would feel so much worse if he infected her with the poison inside of him.

"Please, Zahara. I have to. I just need some time alone to think. I haven't been alone in two weeks. There was always someone watching me. Every minute of every day. And even if it's you... I can't..." He could feel himself starting to shake again. "I'll come back, but I need to get away just for a little while. Please."

Zahara looked at him for a long moment.

"You will come back."

"Yes."

"Then... Then, I will let you, but, please, Tim. Come back. Very soon. Don't make me lose you again."

Tim leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and then, felt the rage rise up inside of him again and he let her go.

"I... will get your doctor."

She left to find someone who would let him out. Tim wanted to rip the IV out of his arm and start running, but he forced himself to wait. He also realized that no one had told him what had happened to Levi after he'd fallen to the ground. They'd just said that Bri was with him. What if he had died, too? Tim knew why he'd been there. It was for him.

The door opened.

"Agent McGee, you really aren't in any state to leave the hospital right now. You should stay for another day or two at least."

"No," Tim said. "I want to leave. Right now. If I insist, you can't force me to stay. I know because I've left a hospital AMA before."

The doctor sighed.

"All right, Agent McGee. We'll get the IV removed. Would you at least promise that you'll eat regularly and would you be willing to take a prescription for sleeping pills?"

"I'll eat, but I won't take the pills," Tim said.

"All right. It will take a few minutes."

Tim just nodded and the doctor left. For a few minutes, Tim sat there in silence. Zahara didn't speak, either. She sat beside him, holding his hand tightly.

"Could you find out how Levi is doing?" he asked.

"What do you mean? Was he there, too?" Zahara asked.

"Yes. He collapsed, and I don't know what happened after that," Tim said, trying to suppress the desire to run away. "No one ever told me."

"Yes, of course. I will find out, but Tim, you could stay and find out with me."

Tim shook his head.

"No, I still need to leave."

"What about your parents?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that they're here. I called them. They're home with Salma. They have been so worried and afraid for you."

Tim's heart twisted, but he still shook his head.

"I don't understand, Tim."

"I know, but I can't explain it," Tim said.

The doctor and a nurse came in to remove the IV and Tim was leaving the hospital with Zahara only half an hour later. He dropped her off at home and then drove away.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ziva got to work early. She hadn't been able to sleep much, and she hadn't wanted to be alone at home.

Ray was dead.

His last words had been about getting forgiveness...and then, he had died.

Watching him bleed out, knowing that there was no way to save him... it had seemed like a metaphor for everything that had happened. Even though their relationship had ended, even though she had ended it, Ziva felt like she had lost Ray all over again.

She had meant to go to the hospital to see Tim, but she had found that she couldn't bear it right now. All she could think about was the fact that Ray had been killed. He was dead. The man she had loved and had even considered marrying had now died.

"Ziva, I thought you would be at the hospital, not here at work right after everything was finished."

Ziva looked up and saw Ducky looking at her quizzically. She found that she couldn't say anything. She looked down at her desk without answering the unspoken question.

Then, she heard a chair and then, Ducky was sitting beside her.

"What's wrong, Ziva?"

She felt the tears that she had not been wanting to let loose. She had given up on Ray years ago, and his death shouldn't lead to this depth of feeling. If she spoke, they would escape from her control.

Ducky's arm was around her shoulders.

"Ziva, what is it?"

"Ray is dead, Ducky," she whispered.

...and the tears escaped.

Instead of an arm around her shoulders, Ducky turned her so that she was facing him and he hugged her tightly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. I know that your relationship with him was complicated at best, but I'm sorry for the loss you feel."

"I shouldn't," she said.

"Yes, you should. You should mourn the death of a good man, and whether you feel that death happened years before or if it is his physical death now that you mourn, it is right to do so."

"He saved Tim's life."

"Yes, I did hear of his actions."

"And he only wanted forgiveness for the woman he killed. I said nothing to him, but Tim did."

"And now you regret that you weren't able to give him anything."

Ziva nodded.

"And Tim is... he is not well, Ducky, and it does not feel like this is over. It does not feel like it will ever be over. I do not feel that we succeeded."

"You did. Whether full success takes time or not, you did succeed. Physically, Timothy is free. If he cannot yet feel free in his mind, he has the time to get to that point."

"And what about Tony?"

She felt Ducky's soft laugh more than heard it.

"Ziva, there are plenty of things to worry about. Take them as they come. Don't go searching for something to make life even more difficult. Life is very good at being difficult without it."

Ziva felt like she could laugh a little herself.

"You are right, Ducky. I am glad you came this morning."

"I was hoping I could be of moral support."

"You are."

"I'm glad."

Ziva sat up and wiped at her eyes.

"I thought about going to see Tim, but... I just couldn't."

"It might be best to let him be with his family for a day or so anyway," Ducky said, reasonably. "That's why I'm not at the hospital myself. From what we know about the CIA agent who was with him, they guaranteed compliance by threatening his wife. I have no doubt that they did the same to Timothy. So letting him be with his family and see that they're safe will probably do wonders for him."

"You are probably right," Ziva said with a deep breath. "I will call Zahara tonight and see how Tim is doing."

"Good plan. And any time you need to speak to someone, I am more that willing to be a listening ear," Ducky said.

"Thank you, Ducky."

"My pleasure. Have you seen anyone else yet, this morning?"

"No, but I came early."

"Of course. Well, I shall make myself busy until I find something that needs to be done."

Ziva smiled and nodded. She felt a little better just for having been able to talk out her feelings. She didn't feel great yet, but she felt better. As she had told Tony, things would improve. Maybe not right away, but they would.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony was sitting at home, thinking.

As he had feared, as he had known, the rescue wasn't really the end. Ray Cruz was dead. Tim seemed in a stupor and there was something very wrong.

And honestly, at this point, he was just tired. He was tired of having to deal with this. He was tired of having to work through it. He was tired of having to be there through it all. If he could get away from it for a while by not going to the hospital, by not going to work for a day, he was going to do it.

The problem was that his mind insisted on going over and over everything without giving him the break he desperately wanted.

He was ashamed, but it had been such a relief when Zahara had come and stepped right in to being there for Tim. There was no question in her mind that she would be there, that she would help him. Tony knew that he should be willing to feel the same way, but he couldn't.

Not this time.

Seeing Tim breaking down over the death of Ray Cruz, seeing him shaking from who knew how many causes, seeing his disconnect...

Not this time.

What time would he be able to deal with it? Tony didn't know. He felt terrible that he didn't feel like he could be there for his friend, but he couldn't. He'd said it to Gibbs at the beginning of all this. They couldn't keep doing this time after time.

No, I can't keep doing it.

While he was trying to figure all this out in his mind, he decided to commit a cardinal sin and turn off his phone.

He was going to be unreachable for a while. He had to be unreachable until he felt like he could actually reach back.

He hadn't really made a decision. Instead, he'd chosen not to decide for the time being.

That would have to be enough for now.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Curtis was sitting in a room alone. He and Bill had been whisked away to the CIA right after being rescued and he'd been answering questions ever since. He had asked once about Amelia but they hadn't answered him. He didn't know if it was because she was dead and they weren't telling him or if it was because he was being punished because of his failure or if it was just that they didn't care about minor things like spouses when they needed information about terrorists.

Now, he was feeling tired, and they'd left him alone for about twenty minutes. He knew better than to ask when this would be done.

And it was probably just deserts for his failure to do his job.

Finally, after another twenty minutes when the adrenaline had worn off and he'd been left alone long enough, Curtis was actually dozing a little bit. It had been a long night.

And that was the moment that the door to room he'd been left in opened abruptly.

He sat up, trying to clear the cobwebs out of his brain and then, straightened when he realized who it was.

"Director Morgan," he said. "I didn't... expect to see you."

Roy smiled a little and sat down.

"I'm sure you didn't. We have a few things to discuss."

"Of course, sir. I'm assuming that I'm about to be reprimanded."

"Yes, but I'm also about to apologize to you."

Curtis wasn't sure how to take that.

"What do you mean, sir? I'm the one who didn't follow the directive."

"No, you didn't, but you'd also been put in an untenable position, and the reason for that was, in part, because of complacency on my side. You informed me of your marriage as you should have, and you allowed me time to get a replacement. I had assigned someone to take your place but I never verified that it had been done, and Bill Joyce has admitted to being forced to get into the CIA and shift those assignments around so that you would be on duty when they wanted to take Agent McGee. Would it have mattered in the long run? I don't know, but while I don't excuse your choice to go along with their demands, I do understand it, and I apologize that you were put into that position."

"Thank you, sir, but I am very sorry. I saw what all that did to Agent McGee and I wish I could go back and do something different so that he didn't have to deal with it."

"As do I."

"Do you know how he's doing, sir?"

"No. Not at the moment. I know he was in the hospital but that he was released. If there's more than that, I haven't heard yet."

"Sir, I've been waiting since my question wasn't answered the first time, but is my wife all right? They threatened to kill her and I don't know that I'd trust them to be honorable, especially after they lost."

Roy smiled unexpectedly and stood up. Then, he walked to the door without saying a word and Curtis resigned himself to having to wait again.

But then, the door opened.

"Curtis!"

Curtis stood up and smiled with joy and relief as Amelia ran into the room and hugged him tightly. He kissed her and then just held her for a long time, not thinking of anything other than the fact that his wife was still alive, that he hadn't lost her.

"Lia, I thought you might be dead," he whispered.

"That's what I thought about you," she said.

"Agent Jacobs."

Curtis felt his cheeks burning a little bit. He'd completely forgotten that his superior was in the room. As soon as he'd seen his wife, nothing else existed.

"Yes, sir," he said.

"There will be some protective observation for the next few weeks while we're still working on getting rid of this group. However, I am putting you on leave for the next two weeks. Be cautious but not afraid. And when you come back, I'll want to have another meeting with you."

"Yes, sir. Thank you... so much, sir," he said.

Now, Roy smiled.

"As I was taught, it's always worth trying to save a life. Now, go home and enjoy your time together."

"Thank you so much," Amelia said. "Can I go back to my job or should I avoid that, as well?"

Roy thought about it for a moment.

"I would speak to your school and ask them for a few more days off while we ascertain whether or not any danger remains. Then, if you want to, going back to work should be all right."

"I want to be with my kids, Director," Amelia said.

"Then, give us a few more days and do that. Agent Jacobs, you're dismissed."

"Yes, sir. Thank you again, sir."

Curtis and Amelia left the room and Curtis just hoped that Tim was starting to recover now that he was actually free.

He deserved that same happiness that Curtis was now feeling.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim pulled up in front of a nicely-appointed cabin. It was quite new since the cabin that had previously been on this site had been completely destroyed.

The drive down here had not been pleasant with the chaotic, angry thoughts swirling around in his brain, but now, he was here. No one would guess this as a location. All he needed was some time. He needed to find some way to purge this anger from inside him and when he did that, then, he could go home. No sooner. He wouldn't destroy his family because he himself was broken.

No one would know he was here.