an: apologies if it seems i uploaded 2 chapters last time. i missed one out (chapter 17) so that's why there was a double chapter last upload. sorry about missing one out! my brain just,,, forgot to upload it after i put it into the doc manager. thanks brain!
song for this chapter: snow patrol – what if this is all the love you ever get?
1914
what if it hurts like hell, then it'll hurt like hell
come on over, come on over here
i'm in the ruins too, i know the wreckage so well
After the gathering following Maes' funeral Roy returned home feeling nervous. He needed to face the music of his marriage. He needed to make things right, and Roy had no idea where to start. It was ridiculous that he suddenly had no idea how to talk to his wife, but Roy supposed he'd brought this on himself.
Riza hadn't been at the gathering. She'd taken both kids home to entertain them as best she could given the circumstances, and Roy appreciated that. Gracia did too. Mia wouldn't have enjoyed an event like that, and Elicia would have enjoyed it even less. People were milling about in the hotel conference room Roy had hired out, telling stories about Maes Hughes and catching up with one another. It was wonderful to hear so many people talk about his best friend like that, but they shouldn't have had to.
He shouldn't have been killed.
Roy and Gracia stopped by his house to pick up Elicia and take them both home. Riza didn't say much to him, but then again, she never really got the chance. Elicia ran straight to her mother for a hug as soon as the front door closed, then pressed her face into Gracia's shoulder.
"It's okay Mummy." Elicia had spoken quietly, but everyone in the room could hear it. "Daddy might be gone, but he'll never really be gone from our lives," she smiled. "Not so long as we love him and remember him." Gracia almost broke down again.
"I know, Sweetie," Gracia whispered.
"Auntie Riza told me," Elicia smiled, turning to face her adoptive aunt, who shot her a small smile before going back to tidying up their living room after the girls had wreaked havoc on it. "We talked about it," she added. "Did you know she lost her Mummy and her Daddy? If she can lose both a long time ago and still be okay today, then we will be too, right?"
Roy's eyes tracked Riza as she left their living room and headed for the stairs, her eyes cast downwards.
"Let's talk about this when we get home, okay Sweetie?"
"Are you sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" Roy offered.
Gracia shook her head and smiled tiredly at him. "Thank you so much for the offer, but I just want to get home."
"Okay. I'll take you now."
"And Mummy," Elicia added. "I know I'll be sad for a long time, but Auntie Riza told me it will get a bit better in a while. Daddy wouldn't want me to be sad forever, would he?"
"No, Elicia. He wants you to be the happiest little girl in the world."
"Okay," she smiled. "I'll try."
He needed to come home and talk to Riza as soon as possible.
Roy entered their home quietly and moved through to the living room. It was empty and had been tidied since he left. He crossed through to the kitchen but it was empty too. There were pots on the stove though. Peering inside both he saw his dinner sitting waiting for him. Riza had kept it hot too. Tears threatened to spring to his eyes. He didn't deserve this woman. She was too good to him, even after all the shit he put her through.
He had work to do.
Roy poked his head into Mia's bedroom and saw Riza lying in her bed, stroking Mia's hair as she slept soundly. Riza was just watching her, a small smile on her face. Hayate was curled in between them both, asleep. It was a perfect picture and he wished he had a camera with him to capture it forever.
"Hey," he greeted quietly. His stomach tightened when he noticed her smile fell from her face.
"Hello," Riza whispered. It was barely audible. Roy had to strain to hear it. "Dinner is ready for you," she added, not looking away from their daughter's face.
"I know, I saw." Stepping into the room, Roy closed the door behind him to block out the light from the hall. "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me," she replied, voice louder, as if his appreciation was ridiculous.
"No, but I do. You didn't have to."
Her hand paused on Mia's head for the briefest second, then continued. Mia stirred in her sleep and curled into Riza, snuggling in close to the warmth and comfort her mother provided.
"No, I suppose I didn't," Riza replied. Her voice was subdued but held no emotion in it.
He needed to talk to her, but she had closed herself off. Her walls were up, and he wasn't permitted inside of them. Roy didn't blame Riza. After the way he'd acted and what had happened? He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness, and he wasn't far off doing that right now. He'd give anything for her to look at him. Just a glance. Longer than the two seconds he'd gotten all day.
You don't deserve it.
"I'll… go and get changed." The collar of his shirt was beginning to choke him, cutting off his airways as emotions threatened to overwhelm him. He wanted to stride over there and envelope them both in his arms, but the damage had been done. Now he had to pay the price.
On the other hand, he had no idea how Riza was doing. He'd never asked, the bastard that he was. Again, too focussed on getting ready today and making sure everything was perfect in Hughes' honour, and for Gracia and Elicia. He had no idea how she was handling it. No idea how Mia was handling it. What had Riza said to her? How did she take it? She'd been upset, Roy knew that much, but he should have been there for her, for both of them.
He'd failed them.
The food was tasteless in his mouth, which was a tragedy because he knew Riza's cooking was incredible. It always had been throughout the years. Even when he was sure she'd tried to kill him when he was a teenager with the healthier meals that included vegetables.
Roy froze, dropping his fork to the table. It clattered loudly but he barely heard it. A laugh had bubbled up inside of him at the memory, but it died and turned into ash in his mouth. His fist hit the table hard. It was clenched tight as he tried to shove back the tears.
He'd fucked up.
He was losing her.
Roy didn't know what to do. His heart had always belonged to Riza, and always would, even if she did leave him. He could never give it away to someone else. However, it was tugging him towards finding Hughes' killer. He owed his brother justice. Maes wouldn't want your marriage to suffer because of his death.
Roy had to do something though. He… He…
He couldn't let this go, but it would kill him if he lost his family.
Standing forcefully Roy almost knocked the chair over. He took the stairs two at a time, his feet light like a cat, but paused outside Mia's room. Gathering himself, Roy opened the door, ready to make things right –
Riza was sound asleep. She was hugging Mia against her tightly. Even in sleep she looked exhausted. The bruise on her forehead looked ferocious in the shadows of Mia's night light. It looked like she had two black eyes as well. Had she even slept since she left the hospital?
He couldn't bring himself to wake her up.
Roy retreated out the room to his own bedroom, pausing at the bottom of the bed. It didn't look right without Riza already in it for him to snuggle up to and embrace tightly as he drifted off to sleep. His insomnia wouldn't let up tonight either. He always slept with Riza by his side. When she wasn't there, he was lucky if he got three hours, at best. With her it was about six or seven. She comforted him, reminded him he was home and he was out of Ishval. He was safe and so was she, along with their child. Without her… Roy was lost.
He couldn't enter their bed. Not now, and not like this. Instead, he sat on the couch in their living room all night in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling. He wished for sleep, but knew it never would never come.
Roy called into work the next morning and asked for the day off. They were understanding and approved of his absence on compassionate terms because of his bereavement. He needed it. He really did. Not only to grieve for Hughes healthily, but to start to help heal his family. Normally he'd be away by the time Riza and Mia came down the stairs this morning with Hayate in tow, but he had their breakfasts cooked and on the table as soon he heard them descending.
"Good morning," he greeted.
Mia was in Riza's arms. Her eyes lit up when she saw him, and Mia wriggled out of her mother's arms. She stumbled slightly then ran across to Roy and flung her arms around his neck tightly.
"I love you Daddy," she whispered in his ear. "I'm really sorry about Uncle Maes."
"I'm sorry too, Sweetheart. I love you." He swallowed past the lump in his throat and kissed her cheek. Pulling out of her hug, he saw a wide grin. "Breakfast is ready for you. Dig in," he urged, gesturing towards the table.
Roy faltered and stared while he watched Mia wince, then limp two steps to the chair. She climbed in at the table and got settled, seemingly unaffected by whatever was making her limp.
"Come here, Mia," Riza urged gently, gesturing for her to lift her leg up.
Mia did so with a slightly pained expression, pausing eating her breakfast.
Roy watched Riza wince then swallow thickly as she gently placed Mia's leg in a comfortable position on a chair next to her. It was outstretched and then Riza approached their freezer, pulling out a bag of frozen peas, which she then placed atop Mia's knee.
"Is that comfortable?" Riza asked her.
Roy watched Riza visibly swallow again, but she still waited patiently for Mia's answer.
"Yes Mum," she replied happily, munching happily on her food.
"Here," Roy offered Riza, pushing over the other plate, but Riza shook her head and glanced at him.
"I can't," she replied, looking away from him. "Morning sickness," she added, gesturing towards her mouth.
Right. Damn it.
"I'll be right back," she mumbled, almost bolting from the room. Roy stood to move after her, but Mia stopped him.
"Is Mummy okay?" she asked quietly. She was staring at her food, not eating it. Her fork was placed on the table slowly and carefully, eliminating any noise it would have made.
Roy opened his mouth but was stopped when he heard his wife vomiting in the downstairs bathroom.
Hayate whined and shifted restlessly.
"Stay here, Mia," Roy told her distractedly, leaving the room in a hurry.
He opened the door and found Riza with her head over the toilet. Her body heaved as she retched and Roy lunged for her, sweeping her hair back and out the way while placing his hand on her back. He rubbed small circles on it, murmuring to her that she'd be all right.
Finally spent, Riza lifted her head and leaned heavily to one side. Eyes closed, Roy saw tears bunched in her eyelashes, ready to fall.
"Are you all right?" he asked fearfully.
Riza nodded. Her eyes opened and they were wet. "The smell of cooking gets to me sometimes," she mumbled.
Oh… Shit.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. Roy smoothed down her hair but froze when he noticed her flinch at his touch.
I'm losing her.
"I'm used to it," she mumbled tiredly.
Of course. He'd never witnessed this first-time round. His life was just one large mistake after another.
"Go," she urged feebly. "I'm fine."
"Not without you," he vowed.
Riza's eyes opened slowly, lazily, and met his. She stared at him, her eyes exhausted and full of sorrow. Roy was taken aback.
"Go," she whispered, almost breaking into a sob. "I don't want you to see me like this."
"I'm your husband. It's my job to help you when you're like this." Riza shook her head, gearing up to argue but Roy stopped her. "I'm not leaving you, Riza. I never will."
He had before. Ishval. The night of their argument.
Never again.
"Just… Give me a few minutes," she sighed.
"Daddy?" Mia called from the kitchen. She sounded scared.
"Go to her," Riza urged. She sat up, shifting slowly so she leaned against the bath. Her forehead was pressed against the cool porcelain and she sighed in relief. "Please."
Roy nodded. He placed a hand on Riza's cheek and kissed the top of it. "I won't be long."
He entered the kitchen in a hurry, anxious to see what was scaring his daughter. "Yes, Mia Bear?"
"Is Mummy okay?" she asked worriedly. She was turned in her seat, desperately trying to see what was going on behind her, but her outstretched leg had only stopped her from going too far. Hayate was looking up at Roy too, as if he was eager for an answer as well.
"She's fine, Mia. Just a bit of morning sickness." Roy bent to scratch Hayate's head to offer some reassurance to their pup, but Roy was still distracted, answering Mia's questions.
"What's that?" Mia asked, brow furrowing because of the unknown.
"It's what happens sometimes when Mummies have babies. The baby can make them sick."
Mia bit her lip. "Is she going to have to go to the hospital again?"
Roy shook his head. "No, Sweetie. Not for this. Only when the baby is born." Mia nodded and turned back around, flinching as she jostled her leg. "What happened to your leg, Mia?"
She bit her lip again and didn't answer him right away. Great. He'd been so shitty these past few days, even his daughter didn't want to tell him the truth.
"She fell," Riza answered for their daughter. She still looked pale and sickly but was up on her feet and walking about.
"When?" Roy asked, shooting Mia a concerned look.
"The night Mummy fell," Mia whispered.
There was a clatter in the sink. Roy watched as Riza's shaking hands picked up what she'd dropped and continued to clean.
"I… I ran down the stairs to the phone and fell. I really hurt my knee."
Roy watched Riza move, dread settling deep inside his bones. Riza wasn't okay. Neither was Mia. The latter had hurt herself probably while trying to get help that night. The former was clearly struggling to hold it all in and was threatening to crack.
If Riza was angry, she'd blame him. But Riza wasn't angry… Roy scrutinised the side of her face. She looked… empty inside. Her eyes had lost their spark. As soon as Roy noticed it, his stomach tightened uncomfortably. She blamed herself. Of course, she would.
Roy swallowed.
"Silly bean." Roy's sympathetic smile was forced, but it was for Mia's benefit. He leaned forward, ruffling his daughter's hair. "Are you okay?"
Mia nodded, looking unsure. "It hurts to walk in the morning but I'm fine."
"Good," Roy stated. "I know something that might make your day better," he added.
Mia perked up a bit. "What?"
"How about a day out to Grandma's? She wanted to take you to the park, to the new swings, if you want to go?"
Mia grinned. "Yes please!"
"Okay, finish your breakfast and I'll get your coat and shoes."
"Okay!"
An hour later his mother had whisked Mia and Hayate away for the day to give the two of them some privacy to work through their issues. Issues that he'd caused. Roy swallowed as he closed the front door after saying farewell to his mother and Mia. Then, another door closed inside the house. The downstairs bathroom. There was the sound of Riza heaving and Roy's heart ached for her. He tried the handle, expecting the door to be locked, but it wasn't. He stepped inside and rushed to his wife's side, soothing her like he'd done earlier.
"You're all right, Riza," he murmured after a short break in her vomiting. "Take your time."
"I hate this," she groaned, rolling her head so it was out of the toilet bowl. Roy's stomach tightened painfully. Did she hate the pregnancy because of him, or the morning sickness?
"I'm sorry, Love," he whispered. "I wish I could do more for you."
She was quiet for so long that Roy didn't think she was ever going to reply. "I know," she whispered. She glanced up and held his gaze for the first time in what felt like an age. She didn't quickly look away, either too ashamed or disgusted to look at him.
Silence fell for a while as Riza tried to calm herself down. Roy remained by her side, trying his best to soothe her. However her bout of sickness appeared to be over for the moment. All throughout their wait, Roy's hand remained on her back and rubbed small circles upon it. It was the only comfort he could offer while she was emptying her stomach, so that's what he would give.
"Are you okay to stand?" he asked quietly. Roy offered her his hand.
Riza looked at it for what felt like an age. She gripped it tightly though and accepted his help to rise to her feet.
"We need to talk," Riza murmured. She swallowed and Roy thought she was about to be sick again, but instead she just looked at him expectantly.
"We do." His voice was quiet as he replied.
Roy helped guide her to stand. Riza was shaky once she got to her feet, the ordeal having sapped her energy. Roy grasped her elbow gently to steer but held her hand in his as she led them both to the couch in their living room. She didn't remove her hand from his, so he counted that as a small victory.
"Would you like anything to drink?" he asked after getting her settled. "Water? Tea?"
"Tea would be lovely, thank you," she replied after a moment's hesitation. Her tone was exhausted, matching her expression.
Roy nodded and gave Riza a moment to compose herself and relax. He closed the living room door as he exited, trying to block out the smell of breakfast. He returned to find Riza lying back against the cushions with her eyes closed.
"Thank you," she murmured as she took the mug from his hands. Roy noticed that her hands still shook, but not as much as they had ten minutes ago.
He joined her on the couch, putting distance between them in case Riza wanted it. It killed him inside to do it. Where had it all gone so wrong for them?
He knew where. When he'd been an asshole to her and offered no support whatsoever throughout their married life. He took and took and took without another thought about her.
He was a bad husband and a bad father.
"I'm sorry." Roy swallowed thickly. He'd leaned forward so his elbows were resting on his knees, staring straight ahead. Riza was still next to him, but her eyes were also ahead, focussed on nothing as she listened. "I… I understand if you can't bear the sight of me right now, God knows I wouldn't be able to if I were you, but can I… Can I get through this? Please?" he begged, meeting her gaze.
Riza was silent but nodded slowly. Letting loose a breath, Roy nodded and began his explanation.
"I've been awful to you recently, and words won't be enough, I realise that, but I just need you to know how sorry I am." When he lifted his eyes to meet her sad ones, tears were threatening to fall down his cheeks. "I didn't mean what I said the night I came home. I truly didn't," he stressed. Roy hung his head in defeat. "I hated myself for that. Still do. I know you'd never do something like that. And for me to say that about you and Elicia?" Roy swallowed thickly, passing by the lump in his throat. "I saw you at the funeral with her. You were amazing at calming her down. And with Mia…" Roy took a deep breath. "I left you alone to deal with all of that. All I seem to do to you is leave you alone." He huffed a laugh but didn't find anything funny. "I don't deserve you, Riza. Never have, over the past few years, so I don't blame you if you –" Roy swallowed, one word freezing in his throat. "If you no longer want to see me," he managed to finish. "I've been awful, and you've never deserved that treatment, so I don't blame you if you want a divorce," he whispered. "I won't stop it."
"I never want that," she whispered immediately, finally breaking her silence.
"You should," Roy urged, running his hands through his hair. "I'm a monster."
Riza sat forward and lowered her cup to the table on her side of the couch. Her hands shook, still fatigued from her morning sickness. Instead of moving towards him, she clasped her hands over her tiny baby bump.
Baby… They were having another child. It always blew him away. A second child. Roy was over the moon. It was hard to accept sometimes, after what he'd done to families in Ishval, but it was happening and there was nothing he could, or would, do to stop it. Being with Riza helped. When he was with her, she soothed every worry he'd ever had and calmed him right down. He forgot about how much of a monster he was, and he was grateful for the reprieve. Her touch settled his nerves, her steady and unwavering presence was his rock. Riza kept him grounded and stopped him from spiralling out of control.
Too bad you never tell her that enough.
Too bad you've already lost her for being a shitty person.
"I… Like I said, I won't stop you. I've done nothing but hurt you –"
"Roy." Riza's interruption was tired, but there was still an edge to it. Slowly glancing towards her, he saw how tired she looked. "I already told you I don't want that, so stop trying to push me away. That's the issue," she added, her voice gaining strength. "You won't let me in to help. You always try to shoulder it yourself to protect me." Roy swallowed when he saw her roll her eyes slightly. "But this is not one-sided. We're supposed to be a team," she stressed. Sitting back, she looked defeated. "How can we be a team when you refuse to let me in?"
"I know," he whispered. Roy wiped his eyes, ignoring the fire burning inside his heart. It hurt.
"I could never separate you from the kids either." Her fingers tightened their grip on her swollen stomach. "You're so good to Mia."
"Just not to you," he stated sadly, his smile never quite making it onto his face.
There was silence for a short time, and Roy didn't know how to take it. Fear for the unknown coiled inside his stomach, waiting for her to continue. He almost opened his mouth to say something, say anything, but in the past, that had done more harm than good, so he opted against it.
Riza slowly and hesitantly shifted in her spot. Roy stared grimly straight ahead but jumped in fright when he felt the couch dip right next to him. Riza's thigh was pressed against his and her arm looped underneath his, her hand rising to grip his bicep.
"You've always been good to me –" Roy shook his head, which prompted her to give his bicep a squeeze. "Let me finish," she admonished sharply. "You've been amazing to me over the years. In that old house you brought colour back into my life, and that returned happiness and love to it. You did that," she added in an emotionally charged whisper. Her shoulder bumped his fondly. "I'll never forget that. But I won't lie and say you didn't hurt me," she whispered, her voice turning solemn. "A part of me told me that you didn't mean it, you were just angry –"
"It was never at you. I was so… angry at what had happened to –" Roy swallowed. "He was my brother," he whispered. "And they took him away from me." His jaw locked in place.
"I know," Riza replied. "But another part of me… Because of my upbringing I thought it was my fault," she admitted.
"Never," Roy almost growled. His vow was vehement. It would never be her fault.
Riza offered him a sad smile and Roy's stomach tightened even more, wringing the knot already in there. "Well, you know what it was like growing up under him. My mind is cruel because of it."
"Tell me, please," he begged, eyes wide and earnest.
She struggled for a moment. "Roy –"
"There will be no judgement, no anger," he promised, shaking his head. "I just need to know." A tear dropped down his cheek. "Riza, please," he pleaded. "I need to know the consequences of what I've done. Please…"
She stared at him for a long time. His breathing hitched and he closed his eyes, thinking she'd never give in. Roy knew it was incredibly difficult for her to share how she was feeling. It always had been. Her father had shouted at her when she showed anything except blank obedience. No wonder she had so many issues with sharing and dealing with her emotions.
"I thought that was it," she whispered. The grip on his bicep slackened as did his jaw.
Oh God, what had he done?
Riza's eyes were down as she explained her feelings. For once in his life, Roy shut up and listened to her. He showed her the attention she deserved. "I was so scared, because…"
She was silent for a moment.
"It's all right," Roy whispered. He'd whipped around quickly, so now he was kneeling in front of his wife, clasping her hands in his. He looked as if he was on his knees, begging, and he was. "Take all the time you need."
"I…" Riza sighed, her face turning into a frown. "I want to get it out I'm just…"
"What, Love?"
She twitched at the use of the pet name he'd always used for her. She'd once told him that it made her feel so loved and cherished. She'd been drunk and had giggled after it, kissing him passionately on the lips. After that revelation, he'd vowed he'd call her it every day if it made her feel that way.
"I'm scared."
Roy swallowed past that pesky lump again and nodded. "I get that," he whispered. "Do… Do you want me to go –?"
Riza gripped his hands tightly. "No," she replied quickly and fearfully. "Please."
Roy nodded. "Okay, I won't." On impulse, he rose from his knees and kissed her forehead. She'd either accept it or push him away, but he couldn't help himself, not after seeing her like this. "I'll never leave you again, Riza, unless you wish it."
"I never want you to go," she whispered. "I… I need you."
"But I upset you."
"You did." Her claim was unapologetic, and Roy didn't blame her. "Just…" Riza sighed, collecting herself. "I'm scared to voice it out loud because it's my biggest fear. Speaking it out loud makes it much more frightening."
Roy nodded. "I understand," he whispered.
"Can… Can you just hold me?" That threw him. "I… I've missed you," she whispered, her tone thick with emotion.
"Of course. Whatever you need, Riza," he vowed.
Roy moved himself back to the couch and Riza curled into his side without hesitation. He'd sit there all day with her if it meant he could help her and make up for what he'd said. He meant what he said, when he told her he'd never leave her again unless she wished it. If he was banished by the end of this, then he'd accept it. It would be what he deserved.
"I need you," she repeated, her fingers clutching at his shirt.