Jade was still curled in Beck's arms when Emma arrived to start her morning routine. Beck had hoped she would fall asleep again but she didn't, although it wasn't for lack of trying on Jade's part. Every time she closed her eyes it seemed to send her brain into overdrive, but with them open it was somehow easier to relax with Beck wrapped around her. The voice was still there, whispering words dripped in poison about weakness and dependency but she was able to keep them at bay, just.
Neither of them moved as Emma walked in but Beck was quietly annoyed that the fragile peace was going to be disturbed. As Emma started with the routine, her voice cheery, Beck found himself reluctant to move, not helped by the fact that Jade's good hand had a light hold on the bulky hoodie he'd ended up sleeping in. However, Emma's pointed look had him moving off the bed as she took Jade's vitals and questioned her about her night.
"Fancy another shower?"
Jade looked at Emma, unsure as to how to answer the question. The thought of the shower was actually quite appealing, which took her by surprise, but the thought of getting all the way down the corridor seemed impossible. To her credit, Emma appeared to be on her wavelength.
"Remember you don't have to stand up once inside, and it will probably make you feel a bit less, well"
"Shit?" Jade proffered darkly.
"I was going to go with 'tired' but whatever works for you."
Beck watched the two of them with interest, surprised by Jade's engagement in the conversation, even more so as she started to shuffle to the edge of the bed. Beck held back as she sorted herself out, as did Emma, but moved forward at the Nurse's indication.
"If Beck can help you get down the hall, I'll join you in a minute" She addressed Jade who gave a short nod, now grappling with her balance on the edge of the bed. Beck moved to her good side and extended an arm around her lower back.
"Want me to fetch the chair?"
"I'd rather stick pins in my eyes." Beck was unable to supress a smirk at her words, their intended venomous impact slightly diminished by the intense concentration on her face as she found her balance on the floor.
The walk down the corridor was slow but Beck was encouraged as her steadiness appeared to have improved from the day before. It was scary to see her ability to move so diminished, something that hadn't even crossed his mind as a potential issue. However, he was soon distracted as an awkwardness arose as they reached the door to the shower room. All of a sudden, his mouth dried up and he wasn't sure whether he was meant to help her inside or wait outside; if he took her in, was he supposed to help her undress?
On the other hand, Jade was oblivious and frustrated as she worked hard not to let her legs collapse beneath her following the exertion of the short journey down the corridor.
"It's not a magic door Beck, it won't open by itself"
"Right, yes, sorry" He bumbled and opened the door with his free hand, successfully getting Jade into the room. Jade fixed him with a confused look, unable to work out what his deal suddenly was and why it was making him weird. As Jade settled into the waiting chair, Beck dug his hands into his pant pockets and busied himself looking at anything but her.
Jade started to move her arm out of the sling, shaking slightly with the effort to not move her shoulder any more than necessary. With the sling finally clear, Jade breathed a small sigh of relief, glad she seemed to be getting the hang of how to manage her newly broken shoulder. She lifted up her good arm to run a hand through her hair, pausing to feel the short, stubble at the base of her skull; she frowned at the feeling. She looked up at Beck who was now shifting his weight from foot to foot while staring determinedly at the wall with the shower head on.
"What is wrong with you?" Jade snapped, his movements setting her on edge.
"Huh? Nothing's wrong"
Jade raised an eyebrow in warning, knowing he was lying but unable to tell why. Why was he lying to her? Was he keeping something from her that she should know? She felt her stomach twist unpleasantly.
"What's going on?" Her tone was wary, and she fought not to let too much uncertainty through, determined to hold it together. At her voice, Beck finally made eye contact as he realised something was wrong.
"I, uh, didn't know if you wanted your privacy, or needed help with, you know" he tried not to stutter, tried to play it cool but all of a sudden it seemed to personal. It was insane really, he thought as he tried to rationalise it. They'd seen each other completely naked on more occasions than he could count, in numerous intimate situations. Hell, he used to be able to map out the small freckles on her pale skin, run his hands over the seemingly impossibly soft expanses of her skin, hold her close as they fell over the edge of pleasure but, just a few months on, it suddenly seemed inappropriate to even think about.
Jade felt her cheeks colouring as she realised what he was talking about, the blush only deepening as she saw how off base her own thoughts had been, how she had immediately thought the worst. She tried to brush him off.
"No Beck, I definitely don't need your help with that" Her words were no more sharp than her earlier retort but they cut deeper for some reason. Beck backed off but the awkwardness now lingered until Emma opened the door a few moments later.
Beck slipped back out into the corridor and down to Jade's room, shaking his head as he tried to get the thoughts of her from his mind; the thoughts of a happier time. He busied himself going through his bag, realising he would have to go back to the RV again today for more clothes and probably a shower himself; while he didn't yet smell he was certainly no longer fresh. He checked his phone to see a message from Tori, asking if Jade had opened the hamper yet. His finger hovered over the reply button.
How did he explain that Jade hadn't opened it?
Deciding he would deal with that later, he set about tidying up the chair and carefully moving the hamper further under the bed, so it was only just poking out. He took himself to the visitor's bathroom and changed into his last set of clean clothes while trying to tame his rather wild hair. It didn't seem to matter how much he combed it or wetted it; it was determined to look like a mess. He probably could have played it off better if he didn't have slightly bloodshot eyes surrounded by dark circles making it look less like a fashion choice and more like chronic insomnia. It was frustrating for Beck, as far as he was concerned, he was sleeping. Sure, it wasn't for as long or the same quality as a bed, but every night was better than the one he'd tried to spend on his own. As he gave up styling his hair with a sigh, Beck wondered if the issue was, he hadn't really slept well for a few months now, not since he'd lost his semi-permanent bed partner.
Beck would never usually admit it, but he was very much a snuggler. After he and Jade had started sharing a bed, he'd grown so used to having her there almost every night and curling up with her. Jade probably wouldn't admit it either but they were extremely cuddly at night. Even when they were in the midst of an argument, night was the time they could reconnect and regain the closeness that the argument stripped them of; even if the next day they were arguing again. The last few weeks before the dreaded gameshow when the arguing had been at its worst was when the nights had started to crumble as well. Beck didn't know how you could be so physically close to someone and yet feel like they were simultaneously miles away; but that was how it had been.
Just two nights before they stood on either side of Tori's front door, they'd got into bed with a distance between them that felt as though it could have been a whole country separating them. He'd been so mad at Jade that night and she was so angry with him too; he'd been surprised she'd even bothered to stay over. They'd both lain awake for what felt like hours after the lights had been turned off, neither sure if the other one was awake or not. Then, after the second hour, Jade had carefully inched closer to Beck, swallowing her pride to hook her arm around his middle in the hope he'd mirror her action as he always did. Hoping she'd settle her head on his chest as he wrapped an arm around her middle and, for the night at least, everything would be okay; but Beck had been awake and still angry. He'd felt her movements and almost as soon as she made contact and had rolled away. Jade had jerked her arm back like she'd been burned, rejection stinging in her eyes, embedding the anger and hurt deep within her. She didn't try again. She didn't bother to return the next evening and the day after that it was all over.
Jade sat, letting the almost too hot water run down her body, almost relishing the stinging sensation as it passed over her skin. She knew she'd been in a while, but Emma had yet to say anything beyond checking she was coping. She still hated how much her energy had been drained by simply washing her hair and body, this time putting her conditioner on as well in an attempt to extend the amount of time spent under the spray. It wasn't that the shower felt truly good, but it was better than every waking hour she sat in the room, watching time pass as she waited for the next disaster to take hold.
She found she was also somewhat relieved by the distance she had from Beck, a realisation that brought with it a fair amount of guilt. She knew Beck had gone above and beyond what he needed to, and it wasn't that she was ungrateful, she was extremely grateful. Looking back, she wasn't sure how she would have coped without him there, especially if the previous evening was any indication but, she found his constant presence confusing. Her feelings were overwhelming at the best of times, and she just couldn't sort through them with him so close. She rocketed between gratitude and indignance, affection and resentfulness and the continuing guilt that was a permanent part of her shadow now. It was like they were in a limbo, miles away from the quiet coldness of the previous weeks but not back in a relationship. It felt like they were balancing atop a house of cards and Jade was just waiting for the first gust of wind to bring it all tumbling down.
Jade let her head fall back against the shower wall, exhaling as she was reminded that Beck was only a small part of her problems now. Her mother's face flashed before her eyes and Jade felt an uncomfortable tug in her stomach. She tried to redirect her thoughts, but it felt like an impossible task. She was tangibly relieved when Emma chose that moment to check she was okay. Forgoing a reply, Jade turned the water off and accepted the towel passed through the curtain. Emma had been right when she'd said the other day that the towels were not all that great but, as the roughness prickled over her skin, Jade found herself savouring the sharp tingling it brought over her sensitive skin, still pink from the heat of the shower.
When Lane entered the hospital room, he was mildly surprised to find Beck but no Jade. Beck had been sitting in the chair with his eyes shut, only reacting when he heard the door shut.
"Morning" The counsellor greeted cheerfully, although he was busy scrutinising Beck's worn appearance.
"Hi Lane"
"You're not looking so good Beck"
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Beck's frustration bled into his tone, but it didn't faze Lane.
"Probably because it's true." He replied honestly.
Beck tried to frown in response, but it quickly gave way to a weary acceptance.
"I'm going to be with Jade most of the morning, I want you take the time to go home and have a proper rest." Lane sounded like there was no room for debate but the thought of leaving stabbed Beck with the familiar anxiety.
"It's not that bad, I'll just go and get coffee or something." He tried to brush Lane off, but the counsellor was having it.
"Nope, not happening Beck" He stated, shaking his head "You need some good quality rest, need I remind you that you're still technically a minor".
"Not for much longer"
"No" Lane conceded "But today you are, and tomorrow you will still be and as your school counsellor I have more authority over you than the hospital staff".
Lane had spent some time the previous afternoon in various meetings, including a phone call with Beck's parents and his mother had outlined that she was happy for him to tell Beck to take a step back if he thought it was necessary. Beck's parents would be back on Sunday, although Lane was somewhat surprised that one of them hadn't already rescheduled a flight to support their son.
"Jade might not want me to go" Beck tried but he knew it was a weak argument, after the previous evening when she'd pulled him up on his appearance. If Lane asked her outright, he was sure she'd tell him to go no matter what she actually wanted.
"I'm sure she will understand Beck" Lane countered, his frown now deepening "What is this really about?"
Almost immediately, Beck felt cornered.
"What do you mean? About what? Nothing's about." The words were rushed, belying the nervousness he felt.
"Why are you so reluctant to leave Jade's side?"
"I'm not reluctant" Beck regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth; an obvious lie if ever there was one. Lane fixed him with disbelieving stare.
"It's stupid, really"
"I work in a performing arts high school; I see stupid every day"
Beck sighed, trying to gather himself together.
"Jade didn't have anyone, and she nearly died"
"But she didn't" Lane pointed out, having a feeling he knew where this was going "You found her in time."
"Yeah by accident but she nearly did die, and no one would have noticed for, god knows how long"
Beck was agitated now, his hand scrubbing at his neck and he tried to quell the anxiousness as Jade's unconscious form once again swam before his eyes.
"And now it feels like-" Beck trailed off, not wanting to vocalise the thoughts that had been haunting him since he'd found Jade lying, helpless on the floor.
"It feels like something bad will happen every time you leave the room" Lane finished for him and Beck's head snapped up.
"It's a perfectly normal reaction Beck, but it is irrational and completely unfounded".
"No, it ISN'T" Beck burst out "It's happened twice now" he added, somewhat quieter as he filled with a silent shame, as this was the second time he'd yelled at the counsellor in three days. Lane stood patiently, letting Beck settle back down before continuing on.
"Your presence has no bearing on what is going on in Jade's head" he reminded his student "The episode Jade had yesterday would have happened whether or not you, I, or anyone else in this hospital had been present."
Lane walked over to the empty bed, perching on the side so he was next to Beck. Out of courtesy, Beck looked up at him and Lane felt nothing but sympathy as he saw the conflict displayed on his face.
"As I told you the other day, none of this was your fault, any more than it was hers and you've got to allow yourself some slack, you also went through a traumatic event."
Beck swallowed his reply that Jade had still been through something much worse than he had, knowing it would get him nowhere. Lane seemingly read his mind though and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.
"You need to give yourself some understanding Beck, some of the same understanding that you've been giving to Jade." He gave Beck a knowing look who nodded begrudgingly in response.
The moment was broken as the door opened and Jade returned, still gently supported by Emma's arm. Lane immediately moved from the bed to give her a clear path and Beck looked up, trying to find a smile for her.
"Good morning Jade" Lane smiled warmly
"Hi" her reply was short as her focus lingered on the boy next to him. He looked even worse in the daylight. She was so distracted she almost forgot to be irritated by Lane's presence so early in the day, she'd hoped he wouldn't come by until after lunch.
"I figured I'd come by early, so we weren't in a rush, I have some meetings on campus this afternoon"
Again, Lane had seemingly read his student's mind, but Jade barely acknowledged him as she settled back onto the bed, Emma slipping out of the room almost unnoticed. On autopilot, Beck dug out her hairbrush and held it out to her. Jade took it but her fingers lingered on his for just a second, forcing him to meet her eyes and the concern behind them. He managed a small smile, more sincere than his first attempt, trying to convey in silent communication that he really was okay. Jade was not convinced and added her growing worry to the extensive pit of emotional baggage that had taken up residence in her stomach; it made a good accompaniment to what she now termed 'Beck guilt'.
"Beck's going to go home for a rest while we talk" Lane announced and Beck fought not to roll his eyes, although he had a feeling Jade knew exactly what was going on. To Jade's surprise, she felt lighter at this new information and not the stab of anxiousness she'd been expecting.
"How long are we 'talking' for?" She finally addressed the counsellor.
"As long as we want to"
Jade raised her eyebrows and Lane winced, conceding that Jade would not be picking the timeframe for their session.
"As long as we need to" Lane amended.
"I guess I'll be going then" Beck said quietly, getting up slowly from the chair and stuffing the remainder of his things into his bag. Lane had the decency to pretend to occupy himself with his phone while Beck faffed around with his things, clearly trying to prolong his departure.
"You'll be back later?" Jade's voice sounded unusually measured but the flash of doubt crossing her face told Beck otherwise.
"Yeah, I will, promise".
This was seemingly enough to satisfy Jade who nodded from her perch, legs still dangling over the side of the bed. Beck went to leave but Jade impulsively jerked her arm as though she were about to offer either a hand hold or a hug. She pinned it back at her side when she realised Beck had no such intention, embarrassment flooding her, but neither action escaped Beck's notice. He diverged and enveloped her in a short hug before he had the chance to second guess himself, which Jade returned with her working arm. Beck took less than a second to inhale the comforting vanilla smell of her shampoo from her damp hair before withdrawing.
His movement wasn't missed by Jade, who felt strangely wrong footed by the interaction. While it was hardly the first time they'd been so close in the last few days, given that earlier that morning she'd been completely curled up in his arms but, this was the first time their embrace seemed to be more for his benefit than hers. She'd taken comfort in it, of course, despite her relief that he was going for a rest and the chance for emotional distance for her, she still needed the reassurance he'd be back; no matter how much that irritated her. Beck however, had clung to her in that hug like she was a life raft. She bit her lip as she stared at the now shut door, fresh waves of guilt and concern flooding though her at the situation.
"Do you want to tell me what you're feeling?" Lane's voice pulled her from her thoughts, and she turned her head toward him pondering his question for a moment before shaking her head.
"Okay then, for now let's leave that and start with something easier" Jade eyed him suspiciously.
"Have you had breakfast yet?"
Jade shook her head, feeling even more confused that Lane had somehow jumped from the notorious question about feelings to food.
"Do they bring you a tray? Or do I need to fetch it?" Of course, Lane knew exactly how breakfast was served, her care had been covered in the meetings with her medical team which is where he got permission for what he was about to suggest.
"A tray" Jade uttered, still somewhat confused as she struggled to identify Lane's agenda, certain he had one and disliking the powerless feeling that was accompanying her not being able to work it out. As it was, Lane was trying to see how willing Jade was to provide more than single word replies or movements of her head.
"You don't sound that enthusiastic" he noted, and Jade gave a one-armed shrug, her expression now unreadable.
"I haven't had breakfast yet, so I was going to investigate the canteen, how does that sound?" It was a small lie but a necessary one.
"How does what sound?"
"Getting out of here for some breakfast."
Jade blinked, now realising Lane was suggesting they left her room for food, albeit more hospital food but still, it was more tempting to Jade than she would have expected. In the back of her mind, she didn't want to as leaving the room meant engaging with him and, despite everything, she knew this was Lane's ultimate goal; but, a larger part of her was itching to leave again. The thought of not being stuck staring at the same depressing walls, the same stupid clock as she watched the sun track across the sky and tried not to become too stuck inside her own head.
"Jade?"
"Sure."
Lane was careful not to react but quietly regarded her agreement as a step in the right direction, albeit a small one. He kept his distance as she inched off the bed, preparing to offer his arm if required but with shaky steps Jade made it over to the wheelchair without incident. As much as she hated the humiliating device, her trips to the bathroom had only enforced that walking long distances wasn't a good idea at the moment. She ran her free hand through her now only half-damp hair, wondering what she had turned into in the last few days. Last week she never would have been seen dead in public without her hair styled and proper clothes. She looked down at her baggy sweats and frowned, they only served as a reminder of how much had changed and how awful she felt.
The canteen wasn't too busy when they arrived, with most of the people there seemingly in various hospital uniforms. They all seemed oblivious to Jade and her wheelchair while her gaze lingered from person to person, her usual scowl set on her face. Her concentration meant she was unaware that Lane was watching her closely, analysing her reaction to the other people; he kept a close eye on her hand which was a clear tell as to when she was starting to become agitated.
He moved them on, starting to help himself to variety of the foods on the buffet and hot plate.
"Jade what would you like to eat?"
No response.
"Jade?"
Her hand was barely moving but a blank look had overtaken her face; she looked a thousand miles away. Lane frowned but continued, settling on a few different choices before paying and moving them over to a table. He left her sitting as he went to get napkins and cutlery, waiting across the room to see if she would react at all and feeling somewhat disheartened when she didn't.
For Jade, it felt like a buzzing had filled her head and she couldn't get it to stop. For the fact there weren't that many people in the canteen, it was noisy and felt more claustrophobic than the garden the day before. The buzzing was drowning out the noise but only to a certain level; every scrape of a chair, every clatter of a fork seemed to be amplified in her head and Jade felt on edge, her skin regaining the itchy quality making it feel like it was crawling. She tried to take a breath, realising something heavy had settled on her chest, but it was difficult. She clamped down on the panic threatening to overwhelm her and forced herself to try again. She struggled for a moment before realising something.
Sweetness.
She could smell something sweet.
It was as though the smell was somehow cutting through the buzz, making things a little clearer. She forced air into her lungs again, this time purposefully inhaling the sweet smell, without understanding what it was. She stayed like it for a few moments, trying to keep her grasp on reality by focusing on the comforting and strangely familiar sweetness.
"Jade?"
Her head snapped up, Lane was standing in front of her, his mouth moving but she couldn't make out what he was saying. She frowned, attempting to focus on the shape his mouth was making.
"Jade? Are you with me?"
This time she heard it.
"Yeah, I think so" her words were slightly slurred, but the rest of the room seemed to be slotting back into place around her. Lane tentatively took his seat opposite her, still keeping a watchful eye as he moved the food off of the tray.
"I got a selection, I wasn't sure what you wanted."
Jade looked down at the food, noticing it for the first time. It was only then she realised they were sitting at the table. She winced as she suddenly turned back to the counter in surprise, jerking her arm in the sling but the pain was pushed aside for the confusion.
"How are we over here?" she muttered, staring at the last spot she remembered being.
"Jade?" Jade slammed her mouth shut, clamming up almost on a complete reflex; Lane would think she'd gone mad.
She turned back to the table, hoping Lane would drop it, but one look at the counsellor and she knew it was futile. Unfortunately for Jade, Lane was already one step ahead of her.
"You don't remember me wheeling you over here, do you?"
"No" Jade admitted, her voice quiet but frustrated, was she that easy to read?
"Do you know why?" Jade shook her head, no longer trusting herself to speak. Lane started buttering some toast, determined to keep a somewhat low-pressure environment.
"You're experiencing something called a dissociative episode, you feel disconnected from the environment around you, you might be feeling numb to both your surroundings and your emotions and you can lose your sense of time and place which can leave holes in your memory."
Jade stared at him in disbelief, trying to wrap her head around the fact Lane had just succinctly described what was happening inside her head when she was struggling to describe it to herself.
"It's a fairly common symptom of PTSD, essentially it's a defence mechanism for your brain; it's trying to protect itself."
Lane pushed the now buttered toast in front of Jade, watching as she tried to understand what he said.
"So, I am going mad"
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them and Lane allowed a small smile.
"No, you're not Jade, I understand that it might feel like that but, in reality, it is your brain trying to recover and understand everything while still defending itself." Jade frowned, still somewhat confused but Lane didn't let it linger.
"Eat" he stated simply, and Jade picked up a slice of toast without thinking about it, still too distracted by what Lane had just said. She chewed on the corner of it, momentarily distracted as the buttery richness flooded her mouth; she didn't quite manage to smile but before she knew it, she had taken a second, larger bite of the toast. For the first time in a long while, food tasted noticeably good.
For his part, Lane pretended not to notice, busying himself with his scrambled egg and apple juice but he was again encouraged by her actions. Dr Griffiths had briefed him that she was hovering on the border of the underweight category, not enough that they considered it a major issue but enough that they were quietly monitoring it. They all agreed that it was likely a symptom of her disruptive home life as opposed to anything more sinister.
Jade finished the second slice of toast with ease, feeling fuller than she could remember feeling in a while; it was similar to what she felt when she was in the shower, not necessarily happy but something that wasn't as awful as every other damn feeling that seemed to cross her path.
"How do I stop it?"
"Sorry?" Her sudden question caught Lane off guard.
"The dissociating, how do I stop doing it?" Her voice was streaked with impatience.
"It's not as simple as that Jade, this is one of the things that we have to work on."
"How is talking going to help?" Jade didn't see the connection.
"It will help your brain better understand the emotions, help you deal with them better and then you should see improvement as your brain won't be so quick to check out."
Jade felt an uncomfortable twinge in her chest. The mere suggestion of talking about emotions was enough to make her unsettled. Lane saw the change in her demeanour instantly.
"We will go slowly, like I said" he tried to sound encouraging but Jade was still struggling with the idea.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small foam ball, placing it on the table between them. Jade looked at it blankly, feeling the irritation rising at his sudden cryptic action. He waited for her to question it but she stayed silent.
"This is for you"
Jade still said nothing, her anger now simmering close to the surface.
"It's a squeeze ball" Lane elaborated "You can use it to give the hospital sheets a break."
The gentle humour did nothing to calm Jade who was now glaring at the ball, almost ready to snap although she couldn't explain why.
"And you know, give your leg a break too." Lane said pointedly looking down at Jade's thigh. She followed his line of sight only to realise her nails were digging hard into her thigh and she hadn't even noticed. As she looked, she finally became aware of the sharp stinging sensation, but it still took a few more seconds before she released her flesh. Even once she did, she didn't pick up the ball.
"Do you want anything more to eat?"
Jade shook her head and Lane felt himself deflate a little as he watched her practically retreat in on herself.
"Shall we go back to your room, or would you rather stay here or wander off somewhere else?"
Jade gave a one-armed shrug again.
"Jade, I'm going to need you to use your words" Lane chided.
"I don't care" her words were taught and angry.
"Why are you angry Jade?" Lane knew why, and he had a feeling Jade knew that, but he wasn't so sure that she knew why she was angry; they had to start the conversation somewhere.
"Because I don't want to talk about this." She snapped, her nails once again finding her thigh and attracting Lane's attention. She felt a surge of shame accompanied by a frustrated anger, she ripped her hand away but not before scratching a painful line as she pulled back. She could feel her heart beating fast, she wanted to run and run now but she was stuck in the infernal chair with only one working arm.
"Okay, Jade I want you to try something" Lane was rapidly realising the situation was close to becoming out of control.
"Take a deep breath with me, we're going to count it in and then hold it"
"Do I look like I'm giving birth to you?" Jade snapped, dismissing the idea as the panic started to roll through her head; why wouldn't he leave her alone?
"Humour me" Jade glared but realised she had little choice, if she tried maybe he'd leave her alone.
He counted quietly and Jade tried to follow but the first one had her feeling like her lungs were being squashed, the urge to let the breath go was almost painful as she fought against it. She gripped the underside of her chair for the second and by the third was in something close to a pattern. At some point, Jade lost count of which breath they were on but she was feeling the tension easing somewhat. It wasn't gone as such, but it no longer felt poised to overwhelm her.
As Lane finished the final breath, Jade felt herself flood with embarrassment once again; she didn't believe him with what he said earlier, she must be losing her mind.
"How are you doing?"
Jade swallowed, gritting her teeth as she tried to get the words out.
"Better, I think"
"That's good" Lane said calmly "You can use that any time you start to feel uncomfortable, it gives you something else to focus on; same as the ball".
He picked the blue foam up and held it out; this time, Jade took it. She squeezed it experimentally, letting it depress and the expand to fill her hand. It felt sturdier than it looked, but Jade was still dubious. They sat in silence for a few minutes, letting the hustle and bustle of the canteen pick up around them. Jade started to squeeze the ball gently. This time Lane started to clear their table without consulting Jade, only checking she was happy to go at the last moment. He wheeled her out the room and down the corridors, heading for the garden. Jade kept squeezing and rolling the foam in her hand, it wasn't perfect, but it was helping her stay present.
It was only a short while later Lane parked them up in the same corner as yesterday, opposite the fountain. Jade took a cautious breath, trying to let the fresh outside air fill her lungs, but the exhale was still somewhat stilted.
"I'd like you to tell me what you were thinking about in the canteen." His tone was calm and measured. Jade fought against the knee-jerk panic response in her stomach.
"When?"
"Whichever part you think was most important."
A small part of Jade could have groaned; there was a special place in hell for 'therapist speak'.
"Come on" Again his voice was calm, just calm enough that Jade managed to convince her brain to let her mouth start talking.
"I don't really remember it clearly; I was looking at the people, but they weren't looking back and then a buzzing started; next thing I know we were at the table."
"Have you heard the buzzing before?"
"I think so, sometimes it's buzzing sometimes it's different" Jade shook her head as she tried to recall a noise that seemed just beyond her reach; something she only heard in her sleep.
"Why would that make me check out?"
"It wouldn't, what you're describing is already an episode in progress so try and think back further, what were you thinking of in your room?"
Despite herself, Jade felt her cheeks colour slightly as her thoughts immediately strayed to Beck.
"Jade?" Lane prompted.
"I was thinking about Beck, he didn't look good and he was being all weird; he's been weird all morning" she muttered, recalling his odd behaviour.
"Do you spend a lot of time thinking about Beck?" This time, Jade was certain she felt herself blush harder.
"Shouldn't we be delving into the deepest darkest secrets of my traumatic past instead of talking about an ex-boyfriend?" Jade was aiming for flippant but missed the mark slightly. Lane saw the deflection for what it was.
"We'll get to everything Jade but for now I'm interested in this morning."
"Some days I guess I do, it's confusing."
"I take it this is because you and he split several months ago?" Jade nodded.
"We hadn't really talked since then, not properly" She started squeezing the foam almost absentmindedly.
"And now he's here all the time, and he's said some stuff that doesn't make sense, not to me at least; and it's really confusing as I don't know what I'm feeling either."
Lane considered her words carefully, not wanting to pry into what it was Beck had said that was causing the confusion.
"This morning I was concerned because he looked really bad but he was acting weird; like first thing was completely different to when I went for a shower" She was almost talking to herself now, trying to make sense of it all.
"And after he left and we started off to the canteen, do you remember what you were thinking about then?"
Jade thought for a moment and then snorted.
"How a week ago I wouldn't be seen dead outside with damp hair and wearing sweats."
Despite her flippant tone, she felt a familiar tug in her stomach that she couldn't identify. She squeezed harder, more rhythmically, falling into silence as she did so. She realised once compressed, it would take the foam 4 counts to return to its original shape.
Lane watched her, joining the dots in his head and only hoping she was able to do the same. When she didn't say anything further, content to stare at the fountain, he restarted the conversation.
"So, do you think you know why your brain chose to dissociate?" He pulled Jade from her thoughts, but she was still confused.
"No"
"You've just said what you were thinking about, how things were different now"
"So, I'm deeply traumatised at the thought of having damp hair in public?" Jade asked sarcastically.
"No, it's a bit more general than that; you were thinking about how things had changed." He emphasised the last few words but Jade still wasn't understanding his meaning.
"So?"
"So, you were probably about to start thinking about the events of last Friday, which is probably off limits to your brain right now, so you removed yourself without even realising."
Jade looked at him for a moment, frowning a little.
"No, that's wrong" she stated, still squeezing the ball.
"And why do you say that?"
"Because I've thought about it before in the last few days and nothing has happened."
"But sometimes it has?"
Jade bit her lip, redirecting her gaze to the fountain.
"Yeah" she said shortly, not wanting to expand that it was exactly what she'd been thinking about when she'd had been sedated the previous afternoon. She hadn't even been able to recall what she'd been thinking about when she woke up in the morning but now it was suddenly as clear as if it had only been a few minutes since the episode.
"That is, unfortunately, one of the difficulties of PTSD, it won't always be consistent, but it is possible to learn your triggers."
"So I'm just never supposed to think about it? How do I stop thinking about it?" In theory, the idea of never thinking about the previous Friday appealed a great deal to Jade, if only she could make it so.
"No, that won't solve anything, we have to tackle both the memory and the way you feel around it."
Jade's nails nearly ripped through the foam at his words but, this time, she realised what she was doing. She looked down at her hand and the small flecks of blue now caught under her fingernails. She wasn't sure if the self-awareness was better than the blissful ignorance of before.
"We're not going to sit here and do it all today, but I think you should talk me through what you remember."
"Why?"
"Because we have to start somewhere, but just stick to facts for now, imagine you were bullet pointing it for a block through of a scene."
The metaphor caught Jade's attention, in some ways it felt wildly inappropriate but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense to try and take the emotion out. The sort of flashback the previous afternoon had been confusing, not unfolding exactly how she remembered it but it was difficult trying to think about it long enough to straighten it out in her head. She resumed playing with the foam ball before taking a breath, focusing determinedly on the noise of the fountain in-front of her and the spongy feel of the foam beneath her fingers.
"I was in my room, packing a bag when she came home" Jade started, her voice strained to disguise the tremor.
"I didn't want to see her, so I stood behind the door when she came up but then she came into my room."
Jade's hand started to shake.
"I slipped out, but she saw me I think" Jade shut her eyes and, in her mind, she heard the thud as her bag collided with the bookcase, she could practically hear her mother shouting her name.
"Jade, look at me" With great effort, Jade reopened her eyes but she stayed with them fixed on the fountain.
"You're safe here, you're just remembering, take a moment and breathe like we said"
Lane coaxed her through a few breaths, concerned at the pale shade her skin had taken on, the tremor in the hand that was now relentlessly squeezing the ball.
"Ready to continue?"
"I knocked the bookcase, that was what she heard, and she came out onto the landing."
The trickling of the fountain suddenly seemed to get louder but Jade ploughed on.
"She was high and screaming and we argued, I wanted to leave but she grabbed my arm-" Jade's voice caught and she fought against the lump in her throat, recalling the vicious words and the burning anger in her mother's eyes.
"Then she pushed me and I fell backwards, I tried to grab the rail but couldn't, next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital bed."
Lane gave her a few moments to gather herself. He had heard the story before; however, it had been a hybrid version based on what Dr Griffiths and the friendly nurse had been told by Beck.
"Do you remember waking up?"
"Sort-of, I just remember Beck really and something that was kind of like a dream."
Again, Jade tried to reach for the memory, feeling like it was on the tip of her tongue, like it was just at the edge of her consciousness but still so far out of reach. She gave up, now too tired to care.
"Okay, that's good." Lane's tone was quietly encouraging but Jade ignored him. What could possibly be good about any of this. She may not need a nurse with a tranquiliser but she felt agitated and like she was only a hair with away from tipping over into complete panic. She tried to do the breathing but it didn't seem to have much of an effect. Suddenly everything seemed like an impossible task.
Lane saw her demeanour change and decided it was best to call it quits for now.
"I think we will leave it there for today."
Jade nodded briefly, still focused on the water droplets bouncing around the fountain.
"Shall we make our way back upstairs?"
"Can you just leave me here?"
Lane frowned.
"Jade I can't leave you here alone" he stated gently "Not like this."
"Just for a few minutes" She asked, an earnest plea in her tone. Lane met her eyes, searching for any hint of a scheme but finding nothing.
"Okay" he relented "But only while I go and fetch another drink from the canteen, and you don't leave this spot."
Jade frowned at his heavy handedness, she wasn't a child.
"What do you think I'm going to do in a wheelchair with only one working arm? Spin myself in circles into the bushes?" She tried to dial back the snark in her tone, genuinely grateful he was letting her have a few minutes but unable to let it pass without comment. Lane just gave a long-suffering sigh.
"I'll be back in a few."
Jade watched him go, feeling the smallest sense of victory as she did. She examined the foam ball in her hand, the little crescent shaped indents from her nails. She felt the urge to throw it in the fountain, just to see what happened but she resisted. Her gaze drifted up to the skys, tracking the birds that were soaring high above, evidently cruising on the air pockets. She felt a tug of jealousy for their freedom, their uncomplicated lives. Her mother's face flashed before her eyes again but Jade pushed it away. All she wanted was few minutes to pretend she was anywhere else, doing anything else than the hell she was currently living.
So, I'm sorry this is a day later than usual, I've had a pretty awful week so half of this was written on Monday and the other half this afternoon. It is very long so I hope you all made it to the end and didn't get bored, but it didn't feel right to split it up. Next up is what Beck got up to on his trip out and where he went….
Thank you to all you lovely people who have read/followed/favourited/reviewed so far, the story reached 200 this afternoon which made me quite emotional. Also, to the guest who suggested Jade use writing as a creative outlet, this is something that will happen later in the story – especially as I had the idea for this story while listening to a song!
Please do let me know what you thought of the chapter, it brightens my currently extremely long days!