WHEN YOU'RE IN A FIX, KEEP ON LAUGHING, LAUGHING...
Shinpachi breathed in deeply and glanced off towards the TV screen with a yearning look in his eyes, like a teenager who had missed out on all of life's adventures and more. "You know, Gin-san. I'd like to travel around space, just once," he mentioned, referring to the screen that was talking about space exploration. A lot like Star Trek but without all the drama. He actually envied the people who got to go up there, into the vast blue where everything else back on Earth was irrelevant.
"What're you talking about? There's no air in space, you know." Gintoki muttered and continued to read his jump. "If there's no air you'll, you know, die."
Their peaceful afternoon was soon interrupted by the two loudest people that they knew. Canarie and Kagura had finally come back from the store with bags in hand. Something was strange and unsettling about them though. The girls looked smug and wore it proudly on their young faces.
"Oh, welcome back, Cana-san, Kagura-chan."
With a sweep of their hands, Kagura knocked the peanut plate off the table while Canarie swatted the jump out of Gintoki's hand. Their sudden change in behavior took them by surprise and left them speechless for a moment. You can sorta expect this behavior from Kagura but Canarie wasn't the type of person to get this way. At least not without a reason. The boys knew instantly that something happened while they were out.
"Hey, what're you doing? Becoming a rebel without a cause?" Gintoki groaned.
"Kneel before us. You're mighty rulers!" Kagura demanded. She brought out a leak from her plastic bag and used it as a pointer. "You're so full of yourselves, you penniless samurai! You will call us 'Madame and Mistress foreman'!"
Gintoki didn't even know where to begin with this madness. "Yeah, uh, Madame, did you forget to buy the toilet paper?"
Kagura's face froze but Canarie was quick to follow up. She reached into her bag and pulled out a whole fresh roll of toilet paper. "She did. I didn't. But that ain't the point, you worthless mongrels! Lo and behold. We have gone out to war and brought back its spoils!" She stepped up on the table and proclaimed so loudly that they're surprised Otose wasn't yelling at them from downstairs yet.
Canarie reached inside her large sleeve and pulled out the holy grail's worth of war spoils. A gold ticket to the afterlife. They brought home four tickets to a trip into space!
They began their great travels towards the Terminal and were passing under the line detector. Canarie didn't bring any weapons with her this time around so all was good until Gintoki went through and the alarms went off, halting their grand journey to space.
Canarie groaned and stood beside the detector that Gintoki was stuck under. "Gintoki, are you serious. Give up all your metals already."
"Oh, come on. I'm not carrying anything metal," he complained until a realization look came across his face. "Is it responding to my iron will?"
"It's not," she deadpanned.
"Ah, then it's probably the two golden balls between my legs."
Canarie's eyes sharpened like knives. It was obvious to everyone in a ten-mile radius that this woman was slowly losing her temper and was about to commit a crime. "If that's what stopping you from getting through," her fingers twitched and curled up into a claw shape like she was about to make a grab for his golden balls," then should I remove them for you...?"
"Nevermind. I'm good." He had never said something so fast in all his life. Without a doubt inside his mind, Gintoki knew that Canarie was serious about that threat.
Of course, things wouldn't have gone smoothly. Canarie fooled herself into thinking that it would. That it would be a simple trip to space, and it only got worse when Kagura was stopped by a TSA agent.
"Customer, it's prohibited to bring a pet with you," he referred to the giant white dog clinging to Kagura's head.
"No, it's a doll.
"Dolls don't pant."
"No, it's not a doll, it's a humidifier."
"Like a humidifier that smells of raw meat exists."
"No, it's a pet."
At that moment, Canarie felt a migraine beginning to come on with the added stress of Sadaharu being with them. She really doesn't know why Kagura brought him with her. Like that dog would've made it through security.
"Sadaharu won't cause trouble to anything or bite anyone. I guarantee you that," she said strongly as Sadaharu chewed on something behind her.
"No, he's doing it right now. Just when you said it!" The agent raced over to another customer that was having his head chewed on by a giant space dog. "Are you okay?!"
The customer slowly pushed himself off the chair and groaned. "What's that? I was sleeping pretty good too. Is it time for the flight?" he said like he wasn't even aware of the dog on his head.
"Customer, I'm embarrassed to say but your head has more problems than the flight."
"What's that, my head? It really hurts for some reason. I probably drank too much yesterday," he laughed without a care in the world.
"It's not that you drank too much but that someone's trying to swallow you."
"Ah, I'm all sticky too from sleeping." The weird laughing customer looked down at himself and noticed that he was covered in blood. "It's deep red. Ah, it's because I drank tomato juice."
"There's a limit to how positive a person can think!"
The strange man then got up and started to walk away, Sadaharu still on his head and chomping down. "Oh, my body is also heavy, so I've been completely drunk for two days!" he laughed.
"Are you even listening to me?!"
Shinpachi and Canarie were beside themselves at this point and began to make for the spaceship without the other two idiots.
All four of them managed to get through security and finally take their seats. The mood spoiled further though with Kagura and Gintoki's gloom weighing everyone down. And of course, they were trying to eat their worries away with the free food they were given upon entering.
"This is not right. Why did Sadaharu have to be taken away," Kagura mumbled with her mouth full of food. "I'm not looking forward to this trip anymore."
"If you had just given him to the custody of the old woman, the trip wouldn't have been spoiled for you," Gintoki said, also with a mouth full of food.
"The only things that spoiled is your humanity." Out of all four of them, Canarie looked to be more in a foul mood thanks to the blatant doom and gloom those two idiots had brought with them. She was initially excited about this little trip because she had never seen space before either. She was curious but that was ruined right off the bat the moment all four of them stepped onto the Terminal.
"Cana-chan, don't you pity Sadaharu for being left behind like that?"
Canarie stared at her with these dull eyes that resembled Gintoki's dead fish ones. "I don't wanna hurt your feelings so please don't ask me a question like that." She leaned her head against her hand and just sat there, wallowing in her gloom until she felt something nudge the side of her head. Canarie didn't think anything of it and just waved whatever it was away.
There was a weird metallic click beside them and Shinpachi looked up to see what it was, almost dying on the spot to see the barrel of a gun being pointed right at Canarie's head. "C-C-Ca-Cana...an," he choked up through his dry mouth. He wasn't even able to warn Canarie of the danger until a man's deep voice spoke up to them, the one holding the gun to his friend.
"Don't move," he threatened and nudged the gun against her head for a second time.
It then became obvious to everyone else when three armed hijackers came out from the backroom and pointed their weapons at the innocent vacation goers. No one dared to move at that point as they walked up and down the aisle, shoving the barrels in everyone's faces to let them know who was in charge.
"Shut up, and don't make a fuss!" one of them growled. "Starting now, this ship is controlled by us, the revolutionary organization 'Moe Fighting Spirit'! The enjoyable sightseeing trip you were on until now has just now changed into hell! You're all hooked on corrupted pleasures, like a trip to space. You've all forgotten the rot that started with Amanto arriving on our planet! This ship will now return course towards Earth and will trust into the main course of our planet's decay, the Terminal!"
Sweat began to roll down Shinpachi's face when it finally dawned on him what was going on. They were out in space with hijackers who were planning on kamikazeing into the Terminal. "This...this is bad, Cana-san." He took a peek down at Canarie and saw that her mood had worsened to the point of emitting a dark and sinister aura. He swore he even heard a demonic growl coming from the back of her throat. "Things are looking worse over here!"
Canarie's hand shot up and grabbed the barrel of the gun and pushed it away from her head. She kicked off the ground and wrapped her legs around the hijacker's neck and used the momentum to throw him to the ground and knock him out. She was far too angry at this point and moved too fast for anyone to realize what happened.
The last two hijackers turned around a second too late and both simultaneously got attack by her, getting their necks rangled by her arms and legs. Canarie applied the pressure needed and after a couple of seconds, they passed out cold on the ground.
The passengers were confused at first until realizing that Canarie was the last one standing and actually managed to take all three of them out in less than ten seconds.
"Wow, that little girl actually choked those guys out!"
"Hell yeah, wild gal!"
They're cheers of gratitude only lasted for a minute until they saw the look of doom still plastered on her face like a demonic entity of shadows. They could physically see the black aura coming out of her as the cheers died down to just a couple of claps of thanks. They weren't even sure if she did that just to be a good samaritan. She probably did it only to release some steam, and truthfully, she looked better than when she first attacked.
There was then a familiar sound of a metallic click coming from behind as a fourth hijacker came out of the back. "Huh?" he realized instantly what happened and pointed his assault rifle at her. "Don't freakin' move, you little brat!"
His finger was inches away from the trigger when the door behind him swung open and knocked him out cold. The strange laughing man from the Terminal dragged his feet out of the bathroom, looking more worse than wear with Sadaharu still munching down on his head.
"Ah, I don't feel well. I feel like I forgot to take something to stop this hangover," he said through a weak laugh with droll dripping off the side of his mouth. He was green like an alien and it was apparent that he been in the bathroom for a while. Probably puking up his guts and all of his regrets. "Huh? Did something happen?" he looked up and saw the Yorozuya gathering around Canarie.
"Sadaharu!" Kagura launched herself at the poor guy and physically kicked him off her giant dog. "Give me back Sadaharu, you bastard!"
The guy fell back and about knocked himself out when he hit the door behind him. Kagura tended to her dog while Gintoki and Canarie wandered over to the drunkard.
"Was this dude really in the bathroom this whole time...as it was being hijacked?" Canarie scratched the back of her head and glanced towards Gintoki and noticed a curious look in his eyes. "Gintoki, you know this guy?"
There was then this loud explosion that came from the front as the whole shuttle vibrated, rocking back and forth with what looked to be smoke escaping from the cockpit door.
Canarie grabbed Gintoki's shoulder to steady herself. "The hell just happened." She looked over to the first guy she attacked and saw that he was still somewhat conscious. "You!" she growled and yanked him up by his shirt. "The hell did you do?!"
"It's all over for you guys. All traitors who welcomed the Amanto deserve to di-" His words fell short when Canarie slammed his head against the ground and knocked him out.
"Freaking dickhead."
The spaceship began to vibrate more as it started to lose altitude, causing everyone who wasn't sitting down to slide across the floor.
A stewardess quickly rushed into the room. "Passengers! Is there anyone among you who can pilot a spaceship?!" she pleated with them.
Gintoki's eyes went wide and he suddenly grabbed the laughing man by the front of his hair and ran with him towards the cockpit.
"Ouchouchouchouch. What's that for? Where are you taking me!" The laughing man couldn't help but run with him to save his hair from being pulled straight from his scalp. "Who are you?"
"As I remember, you love ships, right? You can pilot one, right?"
"How do you know that?" he looked up and finally saw who was pulling him. "Huh? I've seen you before... Oh! You're Kintoki! What're you doing here? Long time no see, Kintoki! What a strange place to meet. Sake! Someone bring us some sake!"
Gintoki came to a dead halt and slammed his friend's face right into the control panel at the end of the long hallway. "It's Gintoki. Gintoki! If I were Kintoki, then the title won't be allowed on TV!" The door promptly opened and they walked in, seeing that the inside was a total mess with bodies all over the place.
"These guys are crazy to set up a bomb on a ship."
Canarie and the rest of the guys ran into the cockpit a minute later and stopped at the doorway."Things are looking bad back there. People are already starting to pray and accept their fate," she said.
"No need to worry about that, little Canarie. Leave this in his hands," Gintoki said. "His head's empty, but he loves ships more than anyone. He traveled all across the Milky Way. To Sakamoto Tatsuma, flying a ship is like moving his own arms and legs."
Sakamoto briefly looked over the control before adjusting the darkly tinted glasses on his face. "Okay, all set. Let's do it!" He grabbed the legs of a passed out pilot and pretended like they were the controls.
Canarie's eye twitched. "Is that head on his shoulders all for decoration?"
Gintoki grabbed the front of Sakamoto's head and threatened him. "Hey! Want me to wack you again?"
"This is the first time I've had to pilot a ship this big," he laughed. "I have no idea where to start. Where's the ship's wheel?"
Canarie glanced out the window and saw a massive desert planet that they were heading towards in a speedy swan dive. She guessed that they only had minutes left to get this ship under control before lights out. She looked around the cockpit and saw an upper floor that had the wheel on it. "Up there. I see the wheel!" she pointed.
Shinpachi rushed towards the wheel and tried to turn it but it didn't even budge. It was completely stiff. "It's not moving at all!" he panicked as the planet in front of them got bigger and bigger.
"I'll do it, so leave the rest to me..." Sakamoto threw up before he could finish his words.
"Don't come near me! You love ships, right? Why the hell are you getting seasick?"
"I love ships but I get sick when I get on them."
"The hell's with that love-hate relationship?"
Kagura and Gintoki both grabbed the wheel and began to wrestle it out of everyone's hands, wanting to pilot the ship themselves since Sakamoto was too brain-dead and seasick to do it himself.
"Hey, hey! it's better if amateurs don't touch those things," Sakamoto argued with the band of idiots. "The way you three are quarreling over the rudder, It'll break. We can't let that stop us!" He took a step towards them but tripped over some fallen debris. He accidentally grabbed the wheel on his descent and ripped it right out.
Canarie was stone-faced and had completely detached herself from reality at this point. She sat down on the floor and just waited as everything sunk in and the screaming began. "Is this the part where I start praying?"
It was a sight that should've never been witnessed on this barren wasteland that was filled to the brim with sandy hills and a scorching sun beading right over their heads. It was said that some situations can bring out the worse of people and uncover dark secrets, and this is what transpired that day...and the Yorozuya didn't even know where to begin with this development.
Following the sounds of unearthly grunts and struggling pants, they came across something that should've never come to light. Canarie's character had totally collapsed into itself and her skin had turned into a sickly pale shade with bags appearing under her eyes. She hunched over the side of the crashed spaceship as her stomach did the most insane dance number it had done, and up her throat came a waterfall of puke.
She was totally incapacitated by the sun's deadly rays and had been like this for an hour now, unable to speak or explain this strange new characteristic.
The Yorozuya did nothing to help her and were completely shocked at what they were witnessing. They had been staring at her like a unique animal exhibit this whole time and didn't know what to think. Was this reality or a nightmare.
"You...you mean to tell me that you can't stand the sun?!" Gintoki shouted in utter horror.
Canarie was able to stop for only a fraction of a second to utter out some sort of sentence to him. "Don't look at me!" She couldn't stand it anymore and continued to throw up everything, including her pride as a straight-man character.
Author's Note:
This is just gonna be a stupid two-part chapter arc since I realized I haven't introduced Sakamoto yet. Not to mention it also gives me the opportunity to tell you all about Canarie's delicate nature when it comes to the sun. She's worse than the Yato clan. This little fact is also gonna be fun to deal with when we get to some summer base arcs.
After this arc, we're gonna be getting into some very emotionally heavy chapters with the Memory Loss Arc next.
This chapter only took me two days to write and edit, so that means I'm off for the rest of the week! Yey