Chapter Thirty Three - Alternate sub plot twist After speaking at length with Anya, a week prior to the wedding ceremony Lexa made her way down into the dungeons to meet with Titus. She had sent word prior so the guards were prepared and Titus had been moved from his cell into a larger room, he had been offered the opportunity to bathe and eat and waited for Heda's arrival in relative comfort. Lexa felt reluctant to see him but it was her duty, in addition she had promised Clarke to resolve this issue before their wedding. She took the wide stone steps at a measured pace, the tension she felt was reflective of both her determination and her dread. At the bottom of the stairwell, a guard indicated with a discreet hand gesture and a nod of the head at the direction she should take. She found Titus waiting in a bare room at a small table with two chairs opposite each other, a jug of water and two mugs were on the table. It was odd because when he saw her he stood, he appeared happy to see her, he offered her a chair and proceeded to fill the mugs. It was as though he thought this was a social call, that they were friends and she had come to shoot the breeze. Anything but. When she stood in the doorway and it seemed to him as though she may not actually enter the room at all, he noticed the troubled expression she wore and took a seat, indicating his preparedness to let her direct proceedings. Something he was unused to doing, he realised. It took Heda a little while to get started, she eventually stepped into the room, she took a deep breath but instead of speaking, she took another step. He waited patiently, she opened her mouth, closed it and breathed again. Eventually she made a start. She announced that Clarke had refused her right to enact his death sentence herself, and so Heda had come in her stead, Titus acknowledged the statement with a single nod and kept his eyes lowered. Lexa had a number of things she wished to communicate before she did what she came to do. First, she explained to him that she was not killing him because he tried to kill Clarke, or because he nearly killed her, but that because he himself had long ago come to disrespect her, in addition, his role was to carry out her instructions and he had failed to do that. Titus' eyes flicked to hers with sudden interest, he was keen to hear how he had failed in his duty to Heda, something he had dedicated his life to, not just this Heda but the four before as well. She explained that he had failed to support her Coalition initiative, her desire for an alliance with Skaikru, making Skaikru the thirteenth clan, he had resisted her professional and later personal relationship with Clarke with his determined love is weakness mantra, he resisted her initiative that blood does not need blood and finally trying to murder Clarke, an Ambassador, no less. Titus would have liked to argue his position but he knew he would not win, Heda was convinced and there was no point trying to win her, not at this late stage of proceedings, anyway. He lowered his eyes to the table top and nodded again to indicate that he had heard, it irked him that she may have taken it for agreement, but again, it is a moot point now. Although she had stopped speaking that atmosphere remained charged, without looking at her he realised that she hadn't finished, she had something more to say to him but she appeared hesitant. It was true. She looked at the top of his bald head, stepped back, cleared her throat and tried to mentally prepare her next words. She felt almost paralysed, she wanted to drink some water but felt it showed weakness and she didn't know whether or not it mattered, or whether she even cared so she held off in case she decided that it did matter after all. When she opened her mouth the words rushed out, "Did you have a hand in Costia's death?" She held her breath and watched him closely as he prepared his answer. She had caught him off guard, certainly, he had thought this issue was, well dead and buried, but he knew his pause had already given him away so he dropped his head and said "Yes." A strangled sort of noise sounded in Lexa's throat and struggled desperately for composure. There had been a moment, just a fraction of a second, when Clarke was working on Lexa, when it occurred to her that for such a young woman, she had nearly been widowed twice. That was the thought and then it was gone. She had not thought about it again but in the hours after she had woken up, during her convalescence and brief recovery, she had been aware of the concept in a very distant sort of way. There was a pattern, it was too plain to ignore but far too painful to acknowledge. Until now. In a few minutes time Titus would be dead and this chance lost forever. She forced herself to ask the question, for Costia's sake, she told herself. "Oh, Titus," She whispered, she was so shocked. Shocked that he had done it, shocked that he had admitted it. "You just wouldn't see, Heda!" he couldn't contain it, the desire to defend himself against the charges she was laying at his feet was too great, his pride too wounded and once again he inadvertently revealed the crux of the problem and he still could not see it. "Titus, it is not for you to correct me, your duty is to follow my instructions, how can you not see that? Still?" She was expecting him to say it, his mantra, and he did not disappoint her, "Heda, she was your weakness," he almost whined the phrase, as though coming to doubt its validity himself. She looked at him with almost compassion, and shook her head softly, "Evidence reveals that all of these years my weakness has been my Fleimkepa. But do not worry, Titus, Ai Laik Heda, I am strong. I have prevailed, my agenda has prevailed despite your best efforts to break me and subvert my will." Lexa wanted to get this over with, to flee from his presence and from this room, she needed to think. "Is there anyone else that is a danger to me or to Clarke? Anything else I should know?" "No, Heda, nothing." He looked at her directly and she believed his words. "You acted alone?" "With an operative from the Ice Nation who is no longer alive." "You, you put Costia's head in my bed?" Titus' head dropped, his chin hitting his chest, he could not bring himself to answer, the charge. Of all the things that Titus did, it was this that he was at least remorseful. He had thought Costia going missing would spur Lexa to war, when that didn't work, he thought her death would and when that didn't work he thought the head would finally break her resolve. It only broke her and she held firm regarding war, despite all, even accepting the Ice Queen into her coalition. He finally realised, she was right, she was strong and he was wrong. "Titus, please stand. For failing in your duty as Fleimkepa and treason you have forfeited your right to life. You should know that your actions, your hideous legacy and treason will be recorded into the Fleimkepa's journals and will be known by Fleimkepa's for posterity Titus, that is the sum total of your years of service to five Heda's. Yu gonplei ste odon." Lexa slid her sword out of its scabbard, placed it against Titus' heart and leaned on it until he was dead. Gravity claimed the weight of his body, as his life passed from it, dragging her sword forward and downward. Lexa raised the hilt which lowered him with due care, yanked her sword out of his chest and bolted from the room, from the dungeon and up the stairwell. It took several goes to get her bloody wet sword back in the scabbard as she practically ran across the front of the courtyard, along the causeway, through the marketplace and up the stairs that Clarke took every afternoon. She was full of strong emotion and wanted to get some privacy immediately. She bolted up the stairs, glad that the exertion took away her ability to breathe therefore to think, it allowed her to keep putting one foot in front of the other. She went up, sometimes taking two stairs at once, rounding the corners as they presented and up once more, eventually when she made it to the top level, she burst into her room and slammed the door. The guards jumped at the unusual disturbance, hands on their swords, stepping forward not abandoning their post but getting a greater vantage point. Four guards came barrelling out of the elevator ready for a fight, having arrived before the two who came panting heavily out the top of the stairwell. With the two guards always out the front of Heda's quarters, two more at Clarke's and a further two at the Throne room entrance, there was now an abundance of guards all milling around, looking at each other wondering why Heda had either being running through the marketplace without her security detail, had taken the stairs instead of the elevator, slamming doors - and wasn't it her night to sleep at Clarke's? They all thought these things but no one spoke. Then Clarke, responding to the slamming door, poked her head out, upon seeing all the guards she immediately became worried, "What is it?" Again nobody spoke, nobody knew what to say. Clarke came out into the hall, looking from warrior to guard, "Where is Heda?" To prevent her from becoming further upset, several people indicated Heda's quarters and Clarke went immediately to the door, knocked, twice, tried the handle and finding it unlocked, let herself in. She found Lexa sprawled out on her bed crying desperately into her pillows - boots, armour and weaponry all still on. Clarke went to her without hesitation. She knelt on the bed and put her hand on Lexa's back, speaking was useless because she was crying so hard she would be unlikely to hear or make sense of anything, let alone reply. "Be her strength" she remembered Anya's words. She laid down next to her, rubbed her back, straightened her braids, but kept a little distance, not wanting to crowd her, waiting until Lexa was ready. It took a good ten minutes for her crying to slow down, she shifted a few inches into Clarke's body, indicating that she was ready for some interaction, Clarke rolled in, kissed the back of her head and wrapped an arm around her waist. It was then that Clarke felt something wet, she sat up and checked, finding blood on her hand she rolled Lexa over and began checking her body. Lexa, seeing the pink blood stain on Clarke's fingers, realised her concern, "It's not mine," she said, "Oh, of course," replied Clarke, realising that it was not inky black, she began unbuckling Lexa's armour and weapons, removed her boots and rubbed her feet. All of a sudden Lexa rolled away, off the bed and headed straight for the bathroom where Clarke heard her vomiting. She followed her in and gathered up her hair and tied it back, she filled a mug with water, still not speaking, this was very unlike Lexa, something had upset her a great deal, to the point of making her physically ill. Clarke certainly didn't think a desirable response would be to start demanding answers. Lexa would tell her, sooner rather than later, but first things first, water, perhaps some wine and bath or a shower? She turned on the shower to see if Lexa would follow her lead. She did, allowing Clarke to strip her of her various layers and bring her under the hot water, "I will be right back," Clarke said. She flushed the toilet, gathered Lexa's clothes, she removed the armour from the bed and slid Lexa's sword out to see what she could ascertain about the kind of wound that had been inflicted. It was indeed, not from a nick, the whole blade, from hilt to tip was coated in bright red, fresh blood. Not indicative of a training accident, but a complete runthrough. Titus! Clarke quickly made the room presentable, asked the messenger to send downstairs for a light meal with plenty of strong wine for Heda, please, she also handed over Lexa's armour and weapons saying that needed immediate cleaning but it was not to leave the floor, and to be returned post haste! She stripped off her own clothes and went to join Lexa in the shower to give her a good soapy massage and try to comfort her as best she could. Titus had served four other Heda's and had trained Lexa from her arrival in Polis as a small child, it must have been difficult for her to end his life. Clarke began to regret not having done it herself and spared Lexa this burden. She pulled out all of Lexa's braids and washed her hair thoroughly, she soaped her up all over avoiding any sexual contact, this was plain love and comfort, she rubbed her back and her shoulders, holding her for a long time. When she heard the food brought in she coaxed Lexa out, dried her off, passed her the comfy pants she knew Lexa wore to bed on the rare occasions they didn't sleep together. Lexa held her arms up while Clarke pulled a sleeveless singlet on and took her by the hand back to bed, bringing the food and wine to Lexa rather than the other way around. "Thank you," Lexa finally was able to speak. "Always," Clarke smiled at her, "We can talk now or later, whatever you like," she said quietly, handing Lexa a glass of wine. For herself she began with a bowl of soup and hoped Lexa would follow, but given she had been sick she didn't want to push it. "It's bad, Clarke." "Yeah, it seems pretty bad," She pushed Lexa's hair back, "But we are together, and whatever it is, we can get through it together." Lexa's eyes welled up again and she held Clarke's hand gratefully. "Titus tried to murder you," she began, Clarke nodded but kept eating, she didn't want to push Lexa or interfere in her dialogue. "Costia was murdered." Clarke's eyes whipped up to Lexa's face, she hadn't made the connection herself, what was Lexa implying? "I never suspected him, ever, until he tried to kill you." "It was my last chance to ask him, Titus," her voice broke as she spoke his name and she began crying in earnest, Clarke put down her bowl, took the wine and put the tray on the floor. "He admitted it. He lured Costia out, handed her over to the Azgeda Queen to be tortured and murdered, because I was weak." Oh my god, what was he thinking? How could he do that? How could he do that to Lexa? Clarke held Lexa as best she could but she was very well aware that no amount of comfort could ease Lexa's pain. "Be her strength, have confidence in this relationship, be her touchstone". Lexa almost screamed as she forced out the words out of her mind and out of her body, "He put Costia's head in my bed!" "Oh my god." There were no other words - what could possibly be said? One woman held the other, she held her close, silently reciting Anya's mantra and hoping she had something with which to comfort her poor girl, because there seemed no relevant, appropriate or even available words, zero. Lexa had been blaming herself all these years, all the pain, all the grief, all the self abuse. Clarke was lost now, how much more so must Lexa have been then? She would have talked to him about it, he would have listened as she paced up and down wondering where Costia was. While Lexa's heart was breaking he must have been minimising the impact, misleading the searching parties, urging to war, knowing all the while that he had done this, he had set this trap. The sense of betrayal Lexa must feel is unimaginable to Clarke. How could he justify putting Costia's head in Lexa's bed after the fact? That was just cruel, cruel and vile. Eventually, when Lexa began to recover for the second time, Clarke murmured how sorry she was, she stroked her hair and kissed her head, there were still no words and Clarke fought the feeling of inadequacy, holding tight to Anya's message. This was a terrible moment and there was nothing to be said or done, by anybody, nothing could relieve this awful truth or its dreadful consequences. "Is Titus dead?" Clarke finally asked. "Yes, I did it myself," Lexa replied. "Was it difficult?" "No, not in the end, I was already convinced it was necessary. But the thought about Costia's murder began to get stronger, I had to know." "Of course. Did he act alone?" "He assured me he did, and I have no reason to doubt." Lexa leaned over to the side of the bed for her glass of wine and took several gulps. "All these years I wondered, he watched me tear my hair out, doubting everyone. I was so alone - was that his idea of strength?" "Firstly, we will never know entirely what the former Fleimkepa thought and secondly, his reasoning was clearly compromised, at best. He was wrong, Lexa and what he did is inexcusable." Lexa leaned into Clarke, she knew the blonde woman was right, but she couldn't seem to slow her mind that searched desperately to make sense of the whole matter, to make rational and logical the irrational and illogical - as though that would resolve her pain. "I told him that he was wrong, I am strong. I have survived every obstacle he put in my path and my agenda thrives despite him, but it is only by sheer chance that I have you." "It is true that you are beyond strong, Lexa, you are a mighty warrior, your people live well under your leadership and your legacy will be remembered for all time. But it is not only chance that you have me." Lexa looked at Clarke for an explanation, Clarke provided one, "You said you wanted me when you met me, and then every day you did something to make that a reality. All of your thoughts, hopes and dreams, all of your choices, actions and inactions served to create us, what we have together. Yes, you were shot, and I medically intervened but that is not chance. My mother is a surgeon, I am a trained medic and you chose me. You are Heda and you make sound choices, wise choices. This isn't chance, this is destiny." Clarke continued, "You chose Costia, a wonderful, clever healer who loved you with all of her heart, she was your destiny until she was taken from you. And then, when you were ready, you made the same sound choices again; you chose love, you chose a healer, a leader and someone who loves you with all that she has. You did that, you chose that - it is not luck or chance, it is destiny and despite all you keep choosing it." "Hmm." Lexa looked into her wine as though for confirmation it sounded good, but it seemed easier to think she was lucky than clever, she certainly didn't feel very clever, having been played so convincingly by Titus. But then again, she had won that hand too, putting the blade through him, herself. Maybe there was something to what Clarke was saying after all. "All of the former Fleimkepa's actions must be recorded into the Fleimkepa's journals. They record all of the history of the Heda's and Fleimkepas experiences, choices and outcomes for the knowledge and understanding of future Feleimkepa's to effectively guide their Heda's. I must call Gaia to attend me in the morning, Clarke, would you be with me?" "Of course. After training?" "You advise after training?" "I suspect you are not likely to sleep well, training will even out your mood and perspective." "You know me well, it is good advice." "I normally know just how to send you off to sleep too, Ai Hodnes, but I don't want to appear disrespectful, to you or to Costia." "No, Clarke, I would like that very much, but I am not quite ready." "More wine?" "Beja, Clarke. The main thing that troubles me most is not so much that he had her taken, tortured and murdered, I mean that is terrible, of course it is, but how could he bring himself to put her head in my bed. How could he do that to me? He knew how devastated I was and what that would do to me." "It does seem unnecessarily callous," Clarke agreed, but she knew that Titus' thinking had deteriorated long before he had decided to have Costia murdered. No one's first wrong choice is murder, that is the product of a series of wrong thoughts and poor choices. "He watched me struggle, he listened to my thoughts, trying to figure out who did such a thing. I went mad, watching everyone, doubting all of my guards, my warriors, my advisors." "Apparently he was quite comfortable having you all to himself," Clarke suggested. "Hmmm. He brought me to my weakest point, he must have thought he was my strength. Clarke, how can I ever prevent making such a mistake again?" "You are already preventing it by trusting people again, letting people love you. There are people who have stood by you all this time; Anya, Indra, Lincoln, Ryder. I don't think any of us can entirely eliminate getting hurt, the answer is to survive it as best you can and you are doing that, every day, little by little. You are wise and strong, still putting the needs of your people first." "There was once a time, after Costia, when you thought that you would never survive, that you would never be happy or have love ever again, but you did. Costia would be watching, proud of her warrior girl and wanting you to have love and be happy. And if we should be parted you will feel that way again, desperate and hopeless, but if you hold on long enough, just as you did before, Costia and I will be fighting for you, wanting you to overcome the pain, to find love and happiness again. Always, for you, because we love you, you are a good and wonderful human being." Lexa dried her eyes constantly, the tears just kept coming but it wasn't all hurt, Clarke had said some very lovely things that made her cry, and thinking of Costia on the other side like that made her feel less desperate about her lost love. "Perhaps I could make a portrait of Costia? You could describe her to me, and I could sketch her out and you could advise me as I go. What do you think?" "I think that would be very kind, Clarke, I would like that." "We could make a copy for her family too, I am sure they miss her, still." "Sha Clarke." "Maybe tomorrow?" "Perhaps. Could you hold me until I fall asleep?" "Absolutely, Ai Hodnes."