Once Monty and the President left, someone wheeled in a suitcase and placed it in front of me. They opened it to reveal several outfits, pairs of shoes and items of jewellery, then left without a single word. I stared at the contents of the case in wonder, I'd never seen clothing like this. Everything felt soft and clean, and was made of fabric that was delicate to the touch. There were two pairs of high heels that I couldn't imagine how you were supposed to walk in and a pair of simple brogues. Everything I'd been supplied with was painfully feminine and I felt uncomfortable at the idea of wearing most of it. I brushed my fingers along the outfit options; a white chiffon blouse and floaty blue skirt, a while floaty dress with sunflowers on or a black dress. I pulled out the black dress to examine it closer, deciding that it seemed the most modest of the options. It had buttons down the centre with delicate little straps and the skirt was knee length. It had tiny white flowers patterned all over it but it was much less noticeable than the sunflowers on the other dress and I'd never really been comfortable wearing white. I slid the dress on carefully with a deep fear of damaging the material and buttoned it up. I flipped open a compartment under the hanging jewellery to find a hair brush and a mirror on the reverse. I brushed my hair for the first time in longer than I could remember, taking a while to get through all of the knots and damage. Once done I viewed myself in the mirror and paused in shock. It felt like I didn't recognise myself.
Although I never considered myself particularly attractive, the person that stared back at me aged ten years since we left the Ark. The deep circles under my eyes revealed an exhaustion that could only come from months of sleep deprivation, my skin was dull and washed out causing me to look paler than usual. My face was thinner from the struggle for food causing my cheekbones to protrude more than they ever did naturally. There was still some light bruising on various parts of my face with grazes scattered about and the large, ugly scar which tore through my left eyebrow. My eyes were glazed over in a lifeless manner and when I stared into them, I couldn't feel anything. I assessed myself in the dress with my bandages clearly revealed and felt uncomfortable. I had never felt any desire to be feminine and the clothes felt wrong on me. I couldn't help wondering what Bellamy would think if he could see me now and had to quickly force the thought from my mind as my eyes filled with tears. I was reaching out to take the brogues, the lesser of the three evil pairs of shoes, when Monty entered the room. He took a few steps in, saw me and stopped dead in his tracks.
"Wow, you look so pretty." He breathed as he studied me with a shocked expression. I squirmed awkwardly on the spot and felt that I would quite like the ground to swallow me under his assessing gaze.
"Thanks, I hate it." I replied in a gruff voice and he chuckled in amusement. He shook himself from his surprise and strolled over to the bed to take a seat just behind me.
"I thought you might, so I collected these from their stores." He handed me a pair of battered, old lace up black leather boots and a pair of thick socks. I took them from him with a smile and sat beside him to put them on. When I finished lacing them I glanced over to him and realised that he was surveying my wrists nervously. I sighed as I steeled myself to the idea that everyone would look at the heavy bandaging when I got to the communal area and couldn't contain the feeling that I was exposed. "I know this is a difficult process for you. I know that you're hurting so I pulled a few strings. I want to make this as easy for you as I can." Monty started to explain as he fidgeted to grasp something that he'd been hiding behind his back. "Jasper mentioned that this helped you a lot during the night in the dropship and that you asked for it. It had to go through some serious decontamination protocols, but it's still his…"
He held something out to me and as I took the black fabric in my hands, my heart flipped. I ran my fingers over the details exactly as I had during the night when I was last wrapped in it to reassure myself but I knew immediately that it was Bellamy's jacket. I gripped it tightly to my chest as the tears came thick and fast. Monty pondered me in anguish and placed an arm around my shoulders to guide me into him. He sat in a calm silence and allowed me all of the time that I needed to regain control of myself. I dried my face and slid the jacked on gently. It was so oversized on me that I could overlap the front and I pulled it tight around me in the hope that I might fool my brain into thinking that Bellamy was holding me.
The jacket smelt unnaturally clean and I was crestfallen to find that it no longer smelt of him. I tried not to allow the disappointment to show on my face, appreciative that Monty had gone to such lengths to get it back for me. I tried to remind myself of what Monty had said when he presented it to me; that no matter what had been done to the jacket, it was still Bellamy's and it connected me to him. I opened my eyes to see Monty observing my reaction closely and I smiled earnestly at him.
"Thank you." I whispered gratefully and he smiled in return. I stood with a slightly nervous shake in my legs still but I felt much more comfortable with my arms covered and followed him from the room. He led me to an elevator and I waited nervously as it transported us away from the horrors of the white room. He examined me as I fiddled with my hands and I was overwhelmed with anxiety, unsure if I was ready to face the survivors of our camp.
"They're all going to be so pleased to see you." He smiled warmly as he tapped my arm to catch my eyes and I nodded in acknowledgement as I took a deep breath. We walked through several more sets of doors before we finally turned into a room filled with bunk beds and familiar faces. As we entered people quickly gathered around us with excited smiles.
"Hey, it's Indigo!" A voice called from the back and several people reached out to touch me. I felt suffocated by the attention and tried to step back to gain some space. Before I could, Jasper burst through the crowd and threw his arms around me dramatically. I was taken aback by his reaction as I stumbled under the force of his embrace and I peeked over his shoulder to see Monty chuckling at the sight of us.
"I'm sorry." Jasper breathed in my ear, then stepped back to view me with apologetic eyes. "I shouldn't have said what I did, it was selfish and cruel. The last thing I ever wanted to do is make your suffering worse and-" He rambled and I quickly held a hand up to stop him.
"It's okay Jasper, we're good." I stated with a smile and I could easily identify that he was holding back tears as I squeezed his arm fondly. I scanned the small crowd that had gathered and managed to pick out a few faces that I knew: Miller, Fox, Harper. I breezed through the rest but most were people that I recognised but didn't really know. I couldn't help the invasive image of the Blake's bursting through to pull me into a hug from filling my mind and it caused a pang in my chest. As I considered those that I would like to see I realised that another face was missing. "Raven?" I asked as I looked to Jasper for answers. He cleared his throat and looked at me with a pained expression.
"Sorry Indie, she didn't make it." He confirmed and my face fell at his words as I fought not to tear up again. It seemed that there was hardly anyone left that I considered family and I felt a surge of appreciation that I still had the two boys that watched me fondly as I thought. It was clear that Monty was able to sense my upset, as he leaned around to catch my eye.
"You know we were about to leave for dinner, how about you get a taste of the food that Jasper won't stop raving about?" He suggested in a playful tone and I forced a smile.
I sat in the lunch hall with the boys and surveyed the others that filled the tables around us. Everyone was very smartly dressed and I was the only person who didn't seem to fit. I adjusted the jacket, needing to feel it's comfort as I observed the others smiling and chatting in a carefree manner. Although I was happy to witness the sight of everyone clean and well-fed, it was strangely jarring compared to how I was used to seeing them and I couldn't help feeling the strange sense that it wasn't real. Jasper set a plate of food in front of me and although I felt absolutely no hunger, I forced myself to try some as he waited eagerly for my reaction. As the food passed my lips my eyes fluttered closed and I leaned back in surprise. I opened them again to find Jasper and Monty watching me with smug expressions. I chewed the food slowly, savouring every flavour and it only heightened the feeling that this couldn't possibly be real.
"Okay, you weren't kidding! This is the best thing I've ever eaten." I admitted and Jasper broke into a wide smile.
"Wait until you taste the cake." He answered coyly and I laughed.
- O - O - O - O - O -
It was a long and stressful night even in the room surrounded by my campmates. Jasper and Monty protectively ensured that I was on a bunk bed with one of them above and the other beside me. Although I felt safer surrounded by them, I still awoke frequently from nightmares that made me too afraid to sleep. I ate breakfast with them in a dazed, exhausted state and despite the food continuing it's incredible standard, I couldn't find the same joy in it as they did. I attended the medical bay as promised where a doctor dutifully cleaned my wrists and applied fresh dressings. When I returned to the dorms I was startled to find that no one was there and rushed in a stressed jog to the recreation area. Most of our group was there and I wandered through in search of the boys. By the time I'd checked the whole room with no success I started to get panicked. I turned sharply on the spot to storm back into the hall when Harper stepped into my path.
"Hey Indigo, are you alright? You look nervous?" She enquired as she assessed my frantic behaviour in concern.
"I'm fine." I snapped impatiently as I tired of the babysitting attitude of those around me. "Have you seen Jasper and Monty?" I examined over her shoulder as I spoke and could already feel my mind considering where else I could search for them.
"Oh. No, I think they were called to help out with something." She shrugged in a casual manner that prickled me. "I'm sure they'll be back soon. Why don't you wait with us?" She smiled encouragingly and I was confused by how relaxed she was. I reluctantly took a seat with her and several other girls who were settled in a small circle.
I listened to their inane chatter but didn't add anything to the conversation, instead watching the door obsessively for any sign of the boys returning. It seemed that everyone had adjusted to the safety of the bunker as I reflected on how differently we would have reacted if we couldn't find someone back in camp. Fox bought over a cup of tea with a smile and set it down beside me before taking a seat in the group.
"It's real tea like everything here. I know Monty mentioned that you missed it from the Ark." She smiled warmly and a couple of the others turned their attention to me too. "It's really great to have you back Indigo, especially with Clarke gone now too...we're pretty much out of all our original leaders. You did a lot for us back in camp. It helps to know you're still with us." She stated with a thankful tone to her voice.
I shifted awkwardly in my seat as I felt the eyes of everyone in the small social circle now on me. I wasn't used to this kind of attention; I'd grown comfortable with being the dangerous outsider in the Skybox and even the unpredictable, wild one in camp. The reality of people fussing over me now was unsettling.
"How are you really holding up? I know it's been a difficult adjustment without…" Harper began to speak but trailed off and turned her face away awkwardly.
"I told you I'm fine." I muttered as I sipped the tea and wished they'd stop viewing me as if I might shatter at any moment. "I'm no leader, never have been. I did what I did for my loved ones, and now they're gone." I added as I stared down at the teacup in an effort to keep my voice calm and measured. I could sense the pitying looks from those surrounding me and couldn't stand to regard them. I heard a loud scoff from behind the group and peeked up to find Del perceiving me with a disbelieving smirk.
"You're not really buying into this bullshit sob story, are you?" He drawled causing the girls to glare over their shoulders at him in annoyance.
"You got something to say to me Del?" I growled with a fury that began to build from my stomach and I felt myself holding the teacup with an unnecessarily tight grip. Del stood with an arrogant stance. He scrutinised me with a sadistic smile as he stepped slightly closer but remained separated from me by the ring of girls.
"This whole broken-hearted act is bullshit. You want everyone to feel sorry for you and its working; look at you, surrounded by people who didn't give a shit about you before you cut yourself up. You're telling me you almost killed yourself over Bellamy? All you ever did was get in his face and cause him problems, you never even put out you frigid little bitch!" His tone was so malicious that it earned scornful looks from everyone that could hear him.
I felt the teacup smash in my hands, causing fresh blood to spray across my fingers. I sprung to my feet and lunged for him but several of the girls grabbed me before I could reach him. I was still weak and couldn't wiggle out of their grasp despite the rage that poured out of me. Del jumped back to create further distance between us with an obvious fluster about him.
"Why don't you come say that to my face?! You're real brave trash talking me from a safe distance, aren't you?" I spat as I struggled wildly to get to him. "You just wait until I get you alone, you'll see what it's like to be cut up!" I threatened and he tried to continue smirking. I noticed that it didn't reach his eyes, which were wide and intimidated.
"They were wrong to put you in here with us, you're a goddamn animal! You're more grounder than your traitor bitch friend." He spat and I screamed hysterically at the mention of Octavia as I pushed for him in a frantic surge of energy.
As I tore myself from the girls that had been holding me, several large guards stepped in and dragged me from the room. The men were too strong for me to fight and I was powerless to stop them from moving me. I was carried down to a small white room with a bed and no other furniture. The guards threw me inside and slammed the door behind me in a clash that reminded me of my cell in the Skybox. I paced the room with constant anger as I realised that I had likely breached the terms that Monty had set for me by behaving like a threat, playing right into Del's hands.
I paced until I ran out of energy and ended up curling into a small ball on the floor, leaned against the bed. I spent the night in this position, struggling with everything I had to not fall asleep. I couldn't resist slipping into brief catnaps at various points during the night and every time that I did my mind replayed memories of my time with Octavia. The familiarity of the room triggered countless scenes from the Skybox, right from the first time I saw her emerge from an air vent in my time of need. I recalled all of the caring embraces, the subtle notes that we would leave each other when we couldn't visit and the laughter that we shared in the canteen. I had completely lost track of time and felt like I had been in the room for ten years when the door finally opened for Monty to rush inside. He immediately dropped to my side on the floor to pull me into a hug and I clung onto him with shaking hands.
"Oh thank god, where were you?!" I whispered with relief flooding my mind. "I was so worried about you and Jasper." I breathed as he sat back and fixed me with an exhausted smile.
"I'm sorry I had to stay with Jasper. He was busy being a hero again." He sighed with a hint of frustration and I examined him quizzically as I processed his statement. "I'll explain properly later, let's get you back to dorms first." He added as he brushed off my concern and stood up.
"Can I go back to dorms?" I muttered in a small voice as I aired my fears. He smiled and extended a hand to help me to my feet.
"Don't worry, Harper and Fox explained what happened. Everything's fine. We just need to make sure it doesn't happen again." He clarified as he placed a comforting hand on my back and I finally relaxed my shoulders. We walked quietly back to the dorms and I was relieved to find that they were empty when we arrived. I dropped on my assigned bed with a heavy exhaustion and Monty sat on his bunk opposite me.
"How did you convince them to let the dangerous lunatic out? I attacked someone, surely that's going to cause some problems for you?" I investigated and I couldn't contain the worry that he may have covered for me.
"Usually I'm sure it would but Jasper just saved someone's life and that's why I wasn't here to be responsible for you, so right now they're pretty grateful. They're willing to let it slide this time." He smiled with a clear relief for me. He took a moment to grab some rags and water and busied himself with cleaning the dried blood from my hand. I was glad that the teacup shards hadn't caused any deep wounds and that most of the damage had closed up overnight.
"You mentioned that Jasper was being a hero again. What's he gotten himself into now? And please don't tell me it doesn't involve a girl." I winked in a light, teasing tone despite the nerves that fizzled in my stomach. Monty squirmed in response and I rolled my eyes in frustration.
"You know Jasper by now; of course it involves a girl." He chuckled at my visible annoyance. "Her name is Maya, she's been one of the people minding our group since we got here and Jasper's taken a liking to her. There was a containment breach earlier and she got pretty messed up by the radiation, so he volunteered to do some experimental procedure to save her." Monty explained as if it weren't a big deal and I stared at him in horror.
"He didn't!" I gasped as I considered the implications of this. "Oh I could strangle that stupid, romantic boy sometimes!" I sighed deeply. I was sick of watching Jasper put himself in danger for any pretty girl that crossed his path, especially now that him and Monty were all I had left. "What was the procedure? Is he going to be alright?" I rushed the questions out as I was crushed by my worry for him.
"They wanted to run her radiated blood through his system to see if his body could pass on our immunity." He stated and I dropped my head into my hands. "He survived it, he's resting now to recover from the poisoning." He confirmed and I released the breath that I had been holding as I lifted my face to listen. "It was weird though. They said it was experimental, but the way they talked about it after and how prepared they were to do it…I don't know, something seemed off." He recounted and stared thoughtfully off into the distance as he spoke. I raised a brow at him with interest and he forced a smile. "I'm sure it's fine Indie." He added quickly and I was alarmed at how quickly he tried to cover his feelings.
"How sure are you exactly?" I whispered as I searched his face for any signs of danger. He sighed deeply before answering me and it was clear that he knew I had noticed.
"I don't know." He admitted with a shrug and I felt the knot return to my stomach. "I was speaking to Jasper before about going to look for Clarke, maybe you should come with me, get some time away from here to reflect." He suggested and I tilted my head at him.
"Why would you look for Clarke? I can't imagine she'd want to come back here?" I queried in confusion as I attempted to figure out if there was something more that he wasn't telling me.
"I just want to make sure she's okay. If it were the other way around and any of us had run away, I feel like she'd have looked for us." He answered and I noted that he was unable to meet my gaze. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to this.
"Wherever you two go, I follow." I stated with determination as I leaned forward to squeeze his hand and he smiled in return.
We arrived late to dinner to find that our people had already returned to the recreation area. I sat at the table whilst Monty volunteered to take our finished plates out and I surveyed the room to find that only a few people from the group who already lived here were still hanging around. I heard Monty return to the table as I was distracted and he cleared his throat to gain my attention. I looked up to see him standing with two slices of cake, both with lit candles in them. I pondered him with confusion and he placed one down in front of each of us before he took a seat again opposite me.
"I figured we may as well celebrate. We both missed our eighteenth birthday, and even without the threat of a review of your case, they're a pretty big deal. I mean, yours was a while ago now right? I'm pretty sure I heard that you were about to review?" He spoke with an interested curiosity and I nodded in confirmation. I was days away from turning eighteen when we landed on Earth. "Mine was a few weeks ago." He divulged as he smiled at me earnestly and my eyes filled with tears at his kind gesture. "So we didn't get a party, but we're adults now. I think the least we could do is enjoy some cake and blow out a candle each. What do you say?" He suggested hopefully causing me to chuckle under my breath and I wiped at my eyes to try to contain my emotions. "Don't forget to make a wish." He winked, then closed his eyes for a moment and blew out the candle dramatically.
I glanced down at my slice and considered it for a moment. I closed my eyes and concentrated hard on the image of Bellamy and Octavia smiling, happy and well. I wish for my family back. I blew out the candle and felt the familiar pang of pain in my chest. I opened my eyes to see Monty observing me worriedly and I stuffed a full fork of cake into my mouth before he could ask me anything. The taste was the most incredible thing I'd ever experienced and I regarded Monty with a mind blown face. He laughed openly, covering his mouth with his hand to stop himself from spraying cake everywhere.
"Okay, how have I made it to eighteen without cake in my life? This is a travesty!" I exclaimed through a full mouth full of food and Monty snorted in laughter. We finished our desserts with contented smiles and for just a little while, the pain in my heart was bearable.
As we wandered the halls back to dorms I caught sight of a familiar face; Miller was approaching Monty and as my eyes fell onto his relaxed expression I felt my stomach flip. I was immediately reminded of his actions at the dropship and my mind replayed the moment that I witnessed Bellamy being beaten whilst Miller dragged me away. I lost all control of my body as I surged forward to grab him by the shirt.
"You!" I snarled as I shook him viciously in my grip and Monty jolted in surprise beside me. "How could you?! I could have helped him, I wanted to fight! It's your fault that I'm here alone! Why didn't you let me do something?!" My voice raised into a desperate screech and Miller's eyes grew wide as I berated him with questions. Monty forced his way between us and encouraged me to step away with a soothing grip on my shoulders. He blocked Miller from my view as he met my eyes with his usual calming air.
"Indie you need to calm down." He asserted and I felt the wave of fury that I'd felt moments earlier dissolve in the face of his attentive care. "It's okay if you need to talk about it. We're all here to help you. Just take a deep breath." He instructed and he remained in his protective position until I visibly took a breath to calm down. Once he could trust that I was in control he moved to my side with a reassuring grip on my arm and allowed me to face Miller again. Miller stared back at me with an expression of remorse and I recognised the emotions in his eyes.
"I'm sorry." He breathed and I felt the last of my anger pass as I assessed him. "I did what I thought was right and I'm sorry that's hard for you. Bellamy wanted you to be safe and there was no time…"
"You didn't need time, you could've still taken Clarke to the dropship. All you had to do was leave me." I argued as my brows furrowed together and I felt hot tears on my cheeks again. "I could've helped them to fight, they could still be alive!" I croaked and sniffed to try to stop the floodgates from opening. "What gave you the right to stop me?" I whispered and Miller sighed deeply as he considered me with a broken face.
"I know you think you could've done something to change it Indigo. I wish it was different." He explained as he shuffled on the spot. "I've been loyal to Bellamy since we arrived, I had a lot of respect for him and I respected how much your safety meant to him." He confirmed and I wiped my face with shaking hands at his mention of Bellamy's feelings for me. It seemed they were more apparent to everyone else than me and I couldn't help feeling bitter about this. "I made my decision, now I have to live with it." He admitted with a frown and I nodded back at him.
"I guess we all do." I muttered as I strode away from him with Monty trailing behind me.
- O - O - O - O - O -
The next few days were uneventful, something that still felt bizarre to me. I had my dressings changed again and was pleased to see that my wounds had mostly healed by now. Monty waited anxiously for Jasper to be discharged from medical and I tried to keep him distracted in the meantime. We did everything from reading books together, to working on puzzles. We chatted mindlessly as we worked and I attempted to corner him into discussing whether Harper really seemed more interested in his whereabouts lately, only to be accused of reading into things.
We were both overjoyed when Jasper finally returned to us but were jointly eager to scold him for behaving recklessly again. Before I could get the chance, he gathered our people and addressed them. He tried to present his case as he urged us to consider volunteering for transfusions to help the people who lived here. Monty and I glimpsed each other in disbelief and I felt myself growing more suspicious of the intentions of our rescuers. It was deeply worrying that Jasper seemed to be so brainwashed by them and I was relieved to find that no one else seemed to be interested in taking the risk. When the audience dispersed Monty approached to question him and I followed close behind.
"Dude, what are you doing?" He asked and Jasper seemed to have no idea what he was referring to. "When did you start working for them?" Monty accused as he closed in on him and Jasper simply rolled his eyes. "You know what, never mind. Now that you're better, I'm going after Clarke." Monty snapped and I regarded him with surprise. I had been under the impression that Jasper would be coming with us and felt uncomfortable at the idea of having to choose between them. Just as I was opening my mouth to suggest that we all stay together, a girl entered the room from behind Jasper and Monty moved in a frustrated manner. "Of course, right on time." He sighed frustratedly and I observed her approach Jasper with a warm smile. I deduced from their behaviour that this was the girl that he was interested in and I studied her with a suspicious interest.
"Hey guys, Jasper. I'm so glad to see you're feeling better." She smiled but as she moved my eyes were drawn to a notepad in her hands. She held it in front of her chest for us to read. Act normal, they're listening.
I quickly scanned the page and my eyes widened as I glanced at them both, questioning with only my expression whether this had happened before. From their equally shocked responses, I gathered that this was a first and I felt myself growing uncomfortable. It was clear that something was going on here and I felt immediately uneasy at this idea.
"I am, thanks." Jasper replied in a terrible effort at sounding normal. I nudged him in annoyance and he shrugged at me. "You look, um, rested." His voice sounded forced and unnatural, and I rolled my eyes at his poor performance.
She flipped the page to reveal more handwritten messages. The breach wasn't an accident! Follow me! I inspected the page and felt my stomach flip.
"Hey, it's pizza day! Who's hungry?" She asked in an overly friendly tone and forced a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"You know, we've never actually had pizza. I've heard great things." I answered as both of the boys were frozen in a state of confusion. When she stepped away from us I pulled them to follow, intrigued by the potential to find out some information.