Meaningless random words!
PROLOGUE
ASTRONAUT. GO ON.
{Every night… the frog gazed... at the stars... and dreamed of flying in space.}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 18: Fu Has A Girlfriend
By: I Write Big
The place: Paris, France.
The year: 1941.
The occupants: Nazis! A whole lot of them.
Klaxons droned in the night air as red searchlights illuminated dozens of zeppelins behind the Eiffel Tower. SS Officers guarded every corner. A dark van with speakers on its roof repeatedly reminded the scared Parisians that curfew, like bedtime, was mandatory. On a rooftop, Timetagger narrowly escaped the Pink Devil and they both disappeared into another portal.
The invasion had been quick and demoralizing. No one knew what the Germans were after, what drove them to flood the city with troops and tanks so quickly. No one, except a squat Chinese man with a record player strapped to his back.
"He eez somevhere here, mein Obergruppenführer!" a German soldier called out. "Zee Chinese man vith zee Führer's prize eez near!"
"Spread out! Zeearch every houze!" the Obergruppenführer ordered.
As the Nazis dispersed, the man they were after was just a few feet below on the bank of the Seine River. He shivered in fear and cursed himself again for getting drunk with a seemingly kind young man with a funny mustache named Adolf. Fu had gotten so plastered that night that he thought it would've been entertaining to show his new drinking buddy the Miraculous. Big mistake. That crazy Adolf had been chasing him and the Kwamis' magical power ever since.
Suddenly a flashlight was in his face. Fu went pale as he locked eyes with the Nazi.
"I found h—" was all the soldier managed to say before he was kicked into the water and swept away.
Fu's savior flexed her leg and straightened her skirt. She was a handsome woman who, despite her noble action, was shaking like a leaf. "Are you alright, Fu?" asked Marianne.
"Uh, um, yes!" Fu quickly adopted a battle-ready pose. "But you need not fight, Marianne. Gweilo was no match for me. He beg me for mercy. But me show none."
Marianne held him and swooned. "Such heroism! You are truly the bravest man I have ever met."
Fu squeezed her hands and leaned towards her beautiful face. "When me with you, me have nothing to be scared of—AAH!"
The same Nazi from before burst from the water and aimed his rifle at them. "Freeze!"
Marianne ripped the weapon away and used it to club the soldier to unconsciousness. His body slid back into the drink. She slung the gun on her shoulder and returned to Fu.
"Oh my Astruc, that was terrifying," she whimpered, still frightened despite her victory. "I was so scared. Thank you for being so courageous, Fu."
"You know what," Fu said, glad that it was too dark for Marianne to see how badly he'd just wet his pants. "Me so brave, me flee to England. Did me say 'flee?' Me meant tactical retreat. Much better place to fight. Very strategic move. Not cowardly. You come?"
"Oh, Fu, you're so fearless." She hugged him tightly. "I wish I had your valor, but alas, I am a feeble woman who only knows the kitchen. I am not ready for true war and must remain here to fight side by side with The Resistance against the enemy in my front yard like a scaredy-cat. If only I was as brave as you..."
Fu had no idea how he'd gotten lucky enough to find a woman so perfectly blind to his cowardice but he wasn't going to lose her. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Fueled by the purest of love, he felt bravery for the first time in his life. "No," he said. "Me stay. We use Miraculous. We save Paris—"
"Releaze zee Murder Hornets!" the Obergruppenführer ordered in the distance. A dreaded buzzing filled the sky.
"Never mind. Me go to England. You in Fu's heart," Fu said. He pulled a Chinese broach from his pocket and stuck it to Marianne's blouse. "When war over, we get coffee?"
"Oh, Fu." She caressed his face. "That is the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."
And for a moment the world held still just for them, a coward with the weight of the world on his shoulders and a hero who didn't know her own strength. Two unlikely souls brought together in a time of great tragedy. The same thought passed through their minds. They may never see each other again.
"THERE!" a voice rang out.
Suddenly a spotlight was on them.
"Run, Fu!" Marianne shouted, aiming the rifle at the light. "Be brave for both of us and run!" She fired blindly.
"NEIN!" the Obergruppenführer screamed. "She shot zee Queen Murder Hornet! They have gone feral! AAAAAH!"
Fu dashed into the darkness.
Many decades later, in Marinette's bedroom:
"Girls!" Marinette announced like a drill sergeant. "We are in Code Red! This is the worst thing to happen since the Nazi invasion of Paris!"
She turned to her mercenaries: Alya, Mylene, Juleka, Rose, and Alix. They were all half-asleep.
"Marinette, it's Saturday morning," Alya yawned. "We all just got three hours of sleep after twelve hours of nonstop boozing and partying. Keep it down."
"Not happening! Thanks to certain letters from a certain somebody, I have it on good authority that we all became friends at some point and, as my friends, it is your personal mission to get me together with Adrien!"
"Once in a while, sure, if I want to blog your failures," Alya said with an uncaring shrug. "But we mostly do other stuff like check out the newest doilies Juleka made or play time-pranks or whatever the hell Mylene is into."
"I don't think my character was ever fully developed," Mylene admitted. "Can I be the rebellious cool girl who doesn't follow the rules and wears sunglasses indoors?"
"Wrong!" Marinette roared over the insubordination. "You all exist as a social group solely to help me with my problems and nothing else! Do I make myself clear?!"
"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" her troops shouted in unison.
Marinette pulled down a projector screen and started a slideshow. The first image was of London. "Today is the Royal Wedding and Adrien will be attending."
"Yay!" Rose cheered.
"But he's going with Kagami!"
"Boo!"
"And as we all know," Marinette shifted to the next slide which showed Queen Elizabeth II doing a keg stand to the thunderous applause of the British people, "those Royal Weddings are fucking ragers. There's a good chance that Adrien and Kagami will get super wasted and end up sleeping with each other. We have to stop this from happening!"
"Why?" Rose asked. "Me and Juleka have sleepovers all the time."
Everyone turned expectantly to Juleka who was using Rose as a pillow.
"Yes," Juleka yawned/sighed, "that's what Rose calls sex."
"Focus, Adrinette Task Force!" Marinette shouted. "I need ideas!"
Mylene adjusted her cool new sunglasses and took a deep gulp of black coffee followed by a 5-Hour Energy chaser. "Uh, maybe we could, I don't know, make a bomb threat or whatever?" she said like she was too cool to care.
"YES! Perfect!" Marinette grabbed her phone to dial the police.
"No," Alya yawned again and stuffed her head under a sofa cushion. "Adrien's super-rich, remember? He'll just take his private helicopter or stargate or whatever."
"OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" Rose waved her hand in the air wildly. Juleka patted the top of her head. "Yippee! Okay, we follow Adrien to England and dress Marinette like a long lost princess from a forgotten magical kingdom! And then she dances with Adrien under the moonlight and they fall in love but then the clock strikes midnight and Marinette has to fight the fairy godmother who has come to claim Marinette's soul as payment for the spell that gave her the magical dress in the first place and—"
Juleka patted the top of Rose's head again and she stopped with a pleasant smile.
Alix vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion. A silver platter of Yorkshire Pudding took her place. She reappeared a second later, waving a mini-British flag. "Doesn't work," she said. "You end up in Azkaban for cheating a fairy, Marinette."
"Dammit! Any other ideas?"
Juleka sighed, "Let's just kidnap Kagami."
It got very quiet.
"That's… brilliant!" Marinette cackled, already pulling out her breaking and entering tools. "I love it! We'll tie Kagami up and hide her ugly face where nobody will ever find her and then Adrien will have no choice but to forget her! HAHAHA!"
Rose unsheathed her pocket knife and started… smiling.
"That was a joke," Juleka sighed.
Marinette put away her collection of hammers. "I knew that."
Alix stood up with an annoyed groan and said, "Marinette, I keep telling you this—"
"You do?"
"—I have searched every possible timeline and the only way you have a remote chance with Adrien is if you make the first move. Trust me, you don't want to spend months of your life just being his friend only for a much taller girl with no tits who's entire personality seems to be based on swimming to swoop in and steal him. And then you're left with this big hole in your heart that keeps whispering in your ear, 'What if?' and you try to fill that hole by sleeping with hot guys across history but all they do is remind you of Kim and you keep saving his life over and over because you stupidly hope that ONE DAY HE'LL REALIZE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD THAT BALLS TO SAY TO HIS DUMB FACE!"
Everybody stared at the panting time traveler.
Marinette cleared her throat. "Alix, are you oka—"
"I'm fine! That's my contribution! Take it or leave it! I'm gonna hit up Casanova for a booty call because I DON'T NEED KIM!" She disappeared in another blue mini-nuclear explosion.
"She's right, girl," Alya said. "Just spill your guts to Adrien. It won't kill you."
"Won't kill me?!" Marinette laughed hysterically. "Alya, anything more intimate than holding hands stops my heart. Literally! I dance with Adrien, it kills me. I kiss Adrien, it kills me. If I tell Adrien I love him, I'll probably spontaneously combust! Telling Adrien how I really feel is without a doubt theeeeee—"
Marinette's word drew out because she saw Wayzz at the window. He was eating an eclair.
"—eeeeeee best idea I've ever heard! I'm totally going to do it!"
"Really?!" everyone else asked.
"Y'up! But I need to do it alone. OUT! ALL OF YOU!" She shoved the Adrinette Task Force down the stairs and slammed the trapdoor in their faces.
"Wayzz!" Tikki hissed at the window. "What the hell are you doing outside?"
"Just sampling everything I've missed over the years stuck indoors," the Kwami said as he ate from a basket of modern foods from across the world. "You humans put sooo much sugar in everything and I can't get enough!"
"But why aren't you with Fu?" Marinette asked.
"Hmm?" Wayzz was puzzled for a moment. "Oh! Fu! Right! Wow, completely slipped my mind. He sent me out a while ago to deliver a message to you guys but I got distracted by all this deliciousness. What was the message? What was it? Oh! Now I remember. Fu is dying."
"FU IS DYING?!" Tikki shrieked.
"Eh," Marinette shrugged. "He was kind of useless."
"No, Marinette, you don't understand." Tikki frantically grabbed the girl. "The Kwamis are held in their dimension by the Guardian Spell and Fu is the last Guardian. As long as Fu is alive the rest of the Kwamis can't get out without a wielder. If he dies..."
Marinette became pale. "Oh fuck."
"Indeed," Wayzz agreed. "That was, jeez, last week I think. I should probably go check on him. Right after I finish this hotdog."
Marinette barreled out of the house.
Later on the subway:
Marinette barely got on the train in time and took her seat. This day was just getting worse and worse. Not only did she need to save her Adrien from a sad loveless life stuck with Kagami, but she also had to save Fu too? How could she possibly do both? It's not like there was a way to express her feelings to Adrien in a physically deliverable format.
Marinette blinked.
She suddenly remembered the slowly growing stack of letters from Chat Noir in her dresser.
"A letter! Of course!" She pulled a pen and paper from her purse. "I'll write how I feel and give Adrien the letter before he gets on the train! It's perfect! There's absolutely no way I can mess this up."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way," groaned Tikki.
But Marinette didn't hear her. She was already enraptured by the blank page. It waited to hold her heart. She pressed the pen to the paper and spoke honestly.
"Dearest you," she wrote. "When you love someone you must never hold back from telling them when you have the chance because one day you might realize that it's too late and all your hopes and dreams are ruined with no way to go back in time and do it over. I want to tell it to you today before you leave so you can take my words with you. I'm hoping they'll make your way to your heart and that when you come back you'll give me a chance to prove how true these words really are. I love you."
"Ha! She has feelings?" an eavesdropper snorted behind Marinette.
"And because she expressed them honestly, she's probably going to get laid. What a loser!" a fellow asshole added.
"We don't express how we feel, like real men! Watch!" The eavesdropper punched the asshole in the dick.
"I'm dead inside," said the asshole.
The couple of idiots laughed at Marinette's embarrassment all the way to their next stop where Marinette bolted out of the train.
At Fu's Massage Parlor:
Marinette entered to find a doctor standing over a bedridden Fu.
"Marinette…" Fu moaned at the girl like a zombie.
"Holy crap, doc, what's wrong with him?!" Marinette shouted.
"The name isn't doc, it's Doctor Doctorperson. I know, very coincidental name," Dr. Doctorperson said. "Your grandpa is suffering from Chronic Old Disease or COD for short. His body is in terrible shape and deteriorating at an exponential rate. His bones and organs have clearly gone through some form of rapid aging. It's like he's 200-years-old."
"I'm only 186..." Fu moaned.
"And he's clearly delusional. He rambles on and on about the fate of humanity, burning down some temple with a microwave burrito, keeping the demons at bay. Plain nonsense."
"Right," Marinette agreed nervously. "Complete nonsense."
The doctor handed her a prescription. "Get him to take this before the end of the day or, and I can't stress this enough, he will die!"
"DIE?!"
"Nah, I'm messing with you," Dr. Doctorperson chuckled. "He just has severe constipation."
Fu farted.
"Too much fried cat if you ask me. All he needs is some laxatives. Doctor Doctorperson away!" Dr. Doctorperson raced out of the building to find her next patient.
"Alright, not so bad," Marinette shrugged. "I'll just pop by the pharmacy on my way back from the train station and—"
"Wait!" Fu's decrepit hand wrapped around her ankle like a vice.
"Ew! No! I don't want to catch your old!"
"If anything happen to me, Marinette..." Fu rasped out. "You must become next Guardian of Miraculous..."
"Fuck that!" Marinette ripped the boney hand away. "I'm already Ladybug and now you want to tie my life to the rest of the Kwamis who can destroy the world too? Hell no! Here," she grabbed a mini zen garden from a shelf. "Make this the new Guardian. I promise to rake its sand every day so it'll never die."
Fu blinked. "Oh. Good idea." He laid his hands on the garden. "Me hereby induct you, Zen Garden, into sacred Pact of the Guardians of the Miraculous." A mystical wind blew through the massage parlor. Ancient whispers brushed by Marinette's ears and she felt some unseen force gather within the zen garden. Symbols that the girl could not begin to comprehend appeared in the zen garden's sand before sinking below the surface. "There," Fu said. "All done."
"Great." Marinette put the zen garden Guardian back on its shelf. Overwhelmed by its new position in life, the garden panicked and slipped off the shelf. It shattered on the floor. The incomprehensible symbols floated out. "Oops," Marinette said. "I'll get you a new Guardian later."
"If you no become new Guardian, then at least deliver this…" Fu produced a letter from under his pillow and gave it to her. "Give to pretty woman on river. She wears Chinese broach… She is woman me love..."
Marinette blinked. "What?"
Tikki stared. "Huh?"
Wayzz floated in with several bags of McDonald's. "I'm back, what did I miss?"
"Fu loves someone?" Marinette whispered.
"Who? Marianne?" Wayzz asked. "Ha! Don't go near that."
"From moment she snapped my capturer's neck," Fu sighed, gazing dreamily at the ceiling. "Me loved her with every fiber of my being. But me was too scared to tell her. Too frightened. Now, me fear me waited too long. Me don't want waste another moment without her."
A sniffle came from Marinette and tears brimmed. "You're right, Fu! I can't put this off any longer! I need to tell Adrien how I feel!"
"Adrien?" Fu said, very confused. "No. Me talk about me and Marianne."
"Thanks for the pep talk, Fu. I'm off to confess to the boy I love!" She left.
"And bring me medicine, yes?" Fu called.
There was no response.
"Me going to die."
Later, at the train station:
Adrien and his Father waited patiently by the train's open door.
"Remember, Adrien," Gabriel said, "don't mention Mrs. Tsurugi's blindness."
"Yes, Father."
A couple of cars away, Kagami approached the men alongside her mom.
"Remember, Kagami," Mrs. Tsurugi said as she thwacked the fiftieth person in the shins with her white cane, "don't mention the Agreste's stupidity."
"Yes, okaa-san."
As they got nearer, Jagged Stone crossed their path, kissing Fang's new passport. "Bloody finally! I'm getting outta this shite and back to Mother England!" Mrs. Tsurugi blindly thwacked the passport out of Jagged's hands and into a nearby paper shredder. "FUCK!"
"Ah, Tsurugi-san, welcome," Gabriel bowed and offered his hand. "Allow me to escort you aboard."
"Oh, I get it," Mrs. Tsurugi snarled, "because I'm blind I need help walking through a door, Gabriel-san? I think I can manage!" She thwacked Gabriel's hand away and turned towards the train with her head held high. She stepped between the train cars and fell flat on the tracks.
As Gabriel called for security to help her, Kagami greeted Adrien in her usual flat monotone. "Greetings, Friend Adrien Agreste, my mating proposal still stands."
"Hello to you too, Kagami," he nervously replied. "Shall we go aboard?"
Kagami entered first. Before Adrien could follow her, he heard a shout.
"Adrien! Wait!"
Marinette accidentally shoved Gabriel down onto the tracks with Mrs. Tsurugi and came to a skidding halt. "I! You! Letter!" she said between pants.
"What?"
"She says she has a letter for you," Kagami translated.
Marinette nodded and shoved the paper into his hands. "Train! Read! You!" she said.
"She says you should read it on the train."
"Only! You! Give! Me!"
"She says she wants something and only you can give it to her. I presume a novelty mug from the Buckingham Palace gift shop."
Marinette eyed Kagami suspiciously. "Why are you helping me?"
"Because you are not a threat," Kagami replied simply.
A guttural hiss escaped Marinette's throat as The Beast bared its fangs at the girl. She covered her mouth and ran out of there before she lost control. When Marinette was clear of the train and any prying eyes, she squealed, "I did it, Tikki! I actually did it!"
"Mmm-hmm, you sure did, Marinette," Tikki said, smiling at the letter still in the girl's purse that was clearly labeled To Adrien. "You sure did."
"Now, let's deliver Fu's letter. Spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug and swung away.
Later, on the train:
Gabriel kept stealing glances out the window and shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His uneasiness grew and grew until finally... "AAAHHH! I CAN'T LEAVE HER BEHIND!"
Everyone on the train stared at him.
"Uh, I mean, hold on a second, this chair isn't stuffed with imported goose feathers! This is wool!" He leaped to his feet and rubbed his tarnished bazillionaire bottom. "How can public transportation be so uncivilized?! I simply can't travel like this, I'll instead use my mansion's stargate and meet you in England after I make sure my wife's life support is still working—"
"Sit your ass down, Gabriel-san," Mrs. Tsurugi said to the ticket collector and gave the innocent woman a thwack for good measure. "You invited me as your plus-one and we are getting shitfaced tonight. Now sit!"
She thwacked with her cane again, this time actually hitting Gabriel. The man obeyed. His legs kept fidgeting with worry over Emilie left all by her lonesome… with Duusu.
With Emilie:
Duusu hummed to itself as it added a few more scratches to the cathedral walls. Nathalie entered.
"What are you doing? Something sinister and nefarious?" she asked.
"Nothing like that, Nat. I'm just re-arranging the room with signs of intense struggle so that when Gabe gets back he'll think that Emy woke up while he was gone but was still trapped down here and spent the whole weekend clawing for escape and begging her Gabby-poo to free her before she exhausted herself and slipped back into her coma. He'll totally freak out. You want in?"
With a demented grin, it offered her a can of fake blood. Maintaining her business professional straight face, Nathalie took the can. "Hell yes."
Meanwhile on the bank of the Seine River:
Marianne, now grey and old, arrived at the bench where Mr. Ramier was feeding his pigeons. "Ah, young Xavier, still keeping watch over the messenger pigeons?" she asked as she sat next to her former French Resistance comrade.
"Someone has to, Marianne. RRROOOOO! Who knows when the Nazis will return."
Marianne gazed over the water peacefully and sighed. "Today is the day. I can feel it in my bones. I'd find Fu myself and tell him but… I was never the brave one."
"Brave?" Mr. Ramier stroked a pigeon thoughtfully at her. "Marianne, you stayed behind and sabotaged over fifty Nazi operations. You assassinated four generals. I once watched you skin a man alive for a whole night and then floss his teeth with his own entrails!"
"Like a coward, Xavier!" Marianne admitted shamefully. "While Fu bravely sailed across the English Channel where no Nazi followed. Never once did he ever show his face or write to me." She smiled. "He truly is the bravest man I've ever known."
"Wow," Ladybug said, landing at Marianne's side. "I've heard of love blinding people, but fuck! Here you go, crazy lady." She pulled the letter out of her yo-yo, gave it to Marianne, and swung away.
"Was that a communist spy?" Marianne whispered to Mr. Ramier.
"RRRROOOOOOO!"
Later, at the pharmacy:
Ladybug finished her lunch and skipped into the store. She handed the prescription to the pharmacist, feeling like she was on top of the world. She had successfully confessed her love to Adrien and helped ignite a twilight-years romance. Nothing could bring her down.
The pharmacist took her hand.
Ladybug looked at their intertwined fingers, then at the woman who was over twice her age. She was making a dopey face of infatuation that made Ladybug's skin crawl.
"Uh," she started to say.
"Oh, Ladybug, I had no idea you felt that way about me."
"Uh?"
"I mean, I'm a married woman with kids and you're over 5,000-years-old and evidently have serious doubts about your own bravery but... I do like short girls. I think we can make this work."
Ladybug calmly took the prescription back and saw it was actually Fu's love letter to Marianne. A quick read revealed it was filled with apologies for running away and claims that they were not a hero. The heroine just as calmly left the store, throwing away the phone number the smitten pharmacist had slipped her.
Back at the Seine:
Marianne opened the letter.
"'Dearest you,'" she read. "'When you love someone you must never hold back from telling them when you have the chance because one day you might realize that it's... too late?'" Her lovestruck tone became distraught. "'And all your hopes and dreams are ruined with no way to go back in time and do it over?' Oh my Astruc. He doesn't love me anymore," she whispered hollowly. The letter slipped from her hands.
Mr. Ramier and every single one of his pigeons stared at her. "What are you talking about? RRROOOOO! That has to be the most romantic love letter I've ever heard."
"Are you deaf?!" Marianne burst into tears and ran off. "He doesn't love me anymore! I've wasted my life pursuing a man! For fuck's sake, I'm 91-years-old and I'm still a virgin!"
"I would help with that last part, but you're not a bird, so…" Mr. Ramier called after her, but she was gone.
Back on the train:
From under Gabriel's ascot came a bright pulse of purple light. It filled the entire train car. He quickly covered his throat and said to Mrs. Tsurugi, "You didn't see anything!"
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny," the blind woman drawled back.
He got up as another pulse of purple shined through his fingers and brightened the entire train car.
"Father," Adrien asked, "what was that?"
"Just, uh, just my BlueTooth device! Have to take this call! Hello, business? Yes, business is very business." Gabriel stormed towards the back of the car where a conductor was making the final departure announcement. "Wait!" Gabriel whispered to them. "Don't go yet. I need to take care of something in the bathroom before we leave Paris. If I don't, the throbbing won't go away!"
The conductor sighed. "Sir, are you saying that you need to jerk off?"
With no time to explain, Gabriel tossed a stack of euros at the conductor and locked himself in a bathroom. The conductor begrudgingly pocketed the bribe and made the delay announcement over the intercom. They didn't hear the muffled shout about "Dark Wings" nor see the blinding light erupting from the edges of the bathroom door.
Inside the bathroom, Hawkmoth popped open the head of his majestic cane and let out his travel butterfly. "Okay, just a quickie and then we're done," he said as he filled the butterfly with darkness. "Fly away, my little Akuma, and evilize her! Muahahahahahah!"
The insect obediently fluttered for its target but bumped into the door.
Hawkmoth cracked it open slightly and let them out.
Across the city, the dark messenger flew until it found Marianne sulking up the stairs. It shattered on her Chinese broach. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Hey there," Hawkmoth said. "Sorry for butting into your personal life but once Nooroo catches the scent it doesn't let up. I don't expect anything grand or revealing from you and I have a wedding to attend. So just have fun, let loose, and tear up the town for five minutes and I'll de-evilize you myself. Cool?"
"Yes!" Marianne growled. "Finally, a second chance to get back at Master Fu, the Guardian of the Miraculous Box!"
Hawkmoth stared.
On the train, everyone jumped out of their seats when they heard the shout from the bathroom. "JACKPOT! YEAH, BABY! I JUST WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY!"
Marianne was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into porcelain-faced Backwarder, the Warrior of Time!
"RRRROOO! I'm no expert when it comes to non-bird mating rituals," Mr. Ramier said, inspecting the abandoned love letter, "but I'm pretty sure this letter says he loves you—"
Backwarder jabbed him with her giant sword shaped like a clock hand and Mr. Ramier started walking backwards and speaking in reverse.
"What good fortune! Of all the people to akumatize!" Hawkmoth cackled. "Tell me, Backwarder, tell me where is this Master Fu?"
"I haven't the faintest clue," Backwarder replied as she reversed random pedestrians and traffic.
"...Aren't you his girlfriend or something?"
"I like to think so." Backwarder blushed as she reversed a ferris wheel.
"Then how the hell do you not know where he lives?!"
"Oh, you know," she said as she reversed an airplane and a few clouds. "Fu is hiding from you and all the fighting and danger like a true brave hero."
Hawkmoth blinked. "Lady, you have a weird definition of brave."
In the train:
"Friend Adrien, what is the proper amount of pregaming for a Royal Wedding?" Kagami asked as she uncorked the Royal Pregame Wine.
Before Adrien could answer, his phone rumbled with a news alert about Backwarder. He excused himself and ran to the bathroom. The first one was locked.
"Ocupado," called his Father.
The next was also locked.
"Don't come in!" roared a mid-transformed werewolf as they stabbed a silver crucifix into their chest.
So was the third.
"Just a minute," sang a jewel thief as they swallowed the diamonds they'd stolen.
Thankfully, the fourth bathroom was open. Adrien ducked in and, in a blast of black, transformed into Chat Noir. He dashed off the train.
Meanwhile:
Ladybug swung as fast as she could back towards the Seine. "This isn't so bad," she assured herself. "I just gave that old lady my letter. It's still the same basic message of love as Fu's. I'm sure this worked out just fine."
She landed on a rooftop and saw the backwards devastation. On top of the ferris wheel, Backwarder cried out, "Fu! Your despicable letter broke my heart! Now, I'm gonna break something of yours!"
"BULLCRAP!" Ladybug screamed.
The heroine charged full speed at the villain! Chat Noir landed in her path.
"M'Lady, okay you are?" he asked, mockingly walking backwards like the rest of Backwarder's victims. "Are you ok—" She shoved past him and lassoed Backwarder's arm before she could reverse another person.
"HEY, CLAYFACE!" she seethed. "What the hell was wrong with that letter, huh? I know what it said and it was beautiful!"
Backwarder sneered. "Oh, I'll tell you, Ladybug. Right after you lead me to Fu." With a quick flick of her wrist, Backwarder tapped her clock hand against the yo-yo string.
Ladybug went pale. "Oh fuck."
Chat Noir went pale. "Oh fuck."
Hawkmoth whooped. "OH FUCK!"
Ladybug's cheeks regained color. "Kcuf hO. Lufituaeb saw ti dna dias ti tahw wonk I. Huh, rettel taht htiw gnorw saw lleh eht tahW?" she seethed. "ECAFYALC, YEH!" Her yo-yo unwound itself from Backwarder's arm and retracted back to Ladybug.
Then she started charging backwards back where she came from.
"Bugaboo, wait, stop!" Chat Noir cried. He tried to grab her but she bulldozed right over him.
Ladybug jumped backwards to a rooftop and screamed, "PRACLLUB!"
Backwarder raced past him and chased after Ladybug. Chat Noir shook off the dizziness and quickly followed.
"Oh no, oh no!" he panted. "I have to defeat the Akuma on my own before M'Lady leads her to Fu!"
At the pharmacy:
Ladybug calmly walked backwards into the store and took the pharmacist's hand. The woman blushed.
"Oh Ladybug, you flirt!"
While this tragic misunderstanding went down, Backwarder and Chat Noir arrived outside.
"Stay out of this, Chat Noir," Backwarder ordered, taking swipes at him. "I don't need you to find Fu."
Chat Noir dodged and weaved the best he could while piling bus benches, lamp posts, and billboards in front of the pharmacy door.
"Not happening," he said. "As long as I can fight, LB isn't going anywhere."
The dam exploded into shrapnel as Ladybug walked backwards out of the pharmacy with a fresh kiss mark on her cheek. The pharmacist lovingly waved goodbye while blowing more kisses. Then the heroine stood in place and started to regurgitate her lunch into her hands, one bite at a time.
"Wow," Chat Noir muttered. "M'Lady really is unstoppable."
He chucked his staff at Backwarder, aiming for the Chinese ideogram on her chest. The villain blocked it with her clock hand and the staff reversed back into Chat Noir's arms. Then the staff kept moving, dragged by some unseen hand along the path where he came from. Chat Noir had no choice but to release the weapon and watch it fly away back towards the Seine.
Meanwhile, Ladybug gave a slightly chewed croissant to a very disgusted baker before singing, "Esaelp, tnassiorc enO." Then she did a backwards twirl of joy and crouched as if she had just landed from a high fall.
"Bugaboo! Wait!" Chat Noir scrambled over and barely managed to grab onto her before she launched herself into the air. He clung for dear life as they rocketed across the rooftops. "LB, I don't know if you can hear me, but stay calm. I'll save you."
"Si neidrA ohw yltcaxe wonk I tsael ta tub neidrA tuoba yzarc eb yam I, curstA," she said, not even glancing at him.
They landed on the bank of the Seine. As soon as Chat Noir felt solid ground under his feet, he hefted Ladybug into the air. Her legs kept pumping as if she was walking on nothing. Backwarder landed behind them.
"I said don't interfere!" The villain raised her clock hand!
Chat Noir spun around and assaulted the Akuma with Ladybug's endless kicks.
"Ow! You little—" A powerful polka-dotted foot kicked Backwarder in the jaw, knocking her off her feet and the clock hand into the air.
With cat-like reflexes, Chat Noir caught the clock hand and pressed it against Ladybug. She stopped kicking.
"I'm back?" Ladybug gasped. She patted her body, at last having self-control again. "I'm back! Chat Noir, you actually saved me!"
"Bugaboo!" Chat Noir cried tears of pride and joy. He extended his arms for a hug.
And stopped.
Both Ladybug and Chat Noir glanced down at the clock hand that Chat Noir had just accidentally poked her with again.
"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed. "TOIDI UOY!" she screamed and resumed running backwards.
"M'Lady!"
Backwarder snatched the clock hand and kicked Chat Noir away.
By the time he recovered, Ladybug was running backwards down the street and leaped up to the roofs again. Chat Noir chased but without his staff, he quickly fell behind. He thought he had lost Ladybug until he happened to catch a glimpse of red slipping into the train station.
Later, in the train station:
"LB!" Chat Noir shouted on the platform. "Where are you?"
A ferocious hiss followed by, "Em gnipleh uoy era yhW?" caught his attention.
He saw his Number One Fan by the train, panting in reverse.
"Oh no! Princess, she got you too? Don't worry, my Number One Fan, I'll defeat this Akuma and free you." He struck a heroic pose to put her at ease.
"Em! EviG! UoY! YlnO!"
"I have everything under control," he assured her with a flex.
"OuY! DaeR! NiarT!"
"It's not like Ladybug has been reversed as well and I've continuously screwed up every chance I've had of rescuing her," he claimed, not sounding so sure himself.
"Rettel! OuY! I!"
"I'm totally not freaking out," he said. He was freaking out.
"TiaW! NeirdA!"
So busy was he at posing that he didn't see Marinette run backwards around a corner and, in a flash of red, transform into Ladybug. He caught a speck of red in the corner of his eye and managed to grab onto her before leaped away again.
"Something tells me we're getting really close to Fu's place," Chat Noir said as they soared. "This is my last chance." Firming his resolve, Chat Noir waited until they started to fall back to the city. He predicted which roof they were going to land on and raised his hand. "Cataclysm!"
The building collapsed at his touch and they tumbled to the street. Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug and tied her to a lamp post with her yo-yo high enough so her endlessly running feet didn't touch the ground.
"Enough!" Backwarder roared from behind. She struck at Chat Noir but he grabbed her wrists. They wrestled to overpower the other for the weapon. "You've gotten in the way for too long, young man. It's time you gave up."
"No… I… WON'T!" Chat Noir shouted and forced the clock hand down.
It tapped the ground.
"Uh oh," said Backwarder.
"Uh oh?" asked Chat Noir.
"Uh oh," agreed the planet Earth. "Ho hu," agreed the planet Earth and started to rotate backwards.
Ladybug blinked and stopped walking on nothing. She watched as time played in reverse. The sun slowly rolled towards the eastern horizon. Water fountains siphoned liquid into their spouts. An ice cream scoop rose out of a gutter and into the cone of a blubbering child who was snorting snot up their nose. Chat Noir and Backwarder wrestled for the clock hand before charging backwards away from each other. Then Chat Noir untied her and fell up a building that rapidly reconstructed itself from ashes.
"Well, this is fucked up," she concluded.
"RRRROOOOOO!" nearby Mr. Ramier concurred as he watched his pigeons flap their wings the wrong way.
Ladybug lassoed Backwarder before she leaped backwards out of there and slammed the villain chest-first into the pavement. The black butterfly fluttered out. She de-evilized the insect and cast Miraculous Ladybug.
Everyone who had been reversed was freed.
The outside of the pharmacy was put back together.
The Earth's proper rotation was restored.
Back on the train:
"Yes, YES!" Hawkmoth cackled. "I may have lost the battle, but I now know the identity of the one who guards the rest of the Miraculous." He pulled out his butterfly-themed phone and googled the name Fu. He got 585,903 results in Paris alone. He cleared his throat. "Stay positive, Gabriel! You have a name and that's a start. Soon you'll find this Fu, get him to translate the Miraculous Book and you'll be able to put this whole crazy turning to the dark side to save the one you love behind you." He bellowed a deep and evil laugh as he detransformed and stepped out of the bathroom, "MUAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
"Hello, Father," Adrien said, stepping out of his bathroom. "You sound happy."
"Yes, well, let's just say I got what I wanted in there. Hahahaha!"
"Yes," agreed the wolfman with a silver cross in his chest from the second bathroom. "Let's just say I tamed the beast. Hahahaha!"
"Yes," agreed the jewel thief from the third bathroom. "Let's just say everything went down smoothly. Hahahaha!"
"Yes," agreed Adrien. "I used the bathroom as well. Hahahaha!"
The men laughed along with each other. None of them got the joke.
"Oh Astruc," the train conductor groaned in disgust and then said on the radio, "We need cleanup in car-twelve. Yeah, just bleach on every inch of every bathroom."
At long last, the doors closed and the train departed.
Later, at the Seine River:
Marianne sat closely next to Fu who had an oxygen tank strapped to his face.
"Me sorry me waited this long," Fu wheezed.
"It's alright, Fu," Marianne replied softly. "You had to protect the Miraculous. It was your duty as a hero—"
"Me no hero." Fu solemnly took her hand. "Me never understood how or why you always believe me fearless when me clearly afraid. Me always run, Marianne, me always make mistakes. Only time me brave was when me was with you."
Marianne only smiled. "Fu, you're not strong, you're not clever, and you're definitely not lucky. You would've been an idiot not to run. But a coward would've left the Miraculous Box behind a long time ago. You've carried the most dangerous weapons in the world on your back so they wouldn't fall into the wrong hands for nearly your entire life. I could never do that. You are the bravest man I have ever met."
Mr. Ramier, who watched from a respective distance, sniffled and tried to hold back his tears. Marinette also watched but with more cynicism. "Yeah, no, I don't think that counts as bravery," she said. "Also, I just realized something. Marianne is, like, 90 and Fu is 186. Isn't this still cradle robbing?"
"Now," Marianne continued, "it's my turn to be brave, Fu. Hawkmoth knows we're connected. If I don't go into hiding, he'll use me to find you and the Miraculous."
"No, no, is okay," Fu assured. "Me make new Guardian, see?" He held out a freshly inducted Guardian flower pot. It slipped from his finger and shattered. "Oops. Me make new Guardian again."
"We can't be together until Hawkmoth is defeated," Marianne said kindly. "Do you trust the ones you've chosen to succeed?"
"Um..."
Fu suddenly remembered every time Chat Noir was captured and/or brainwashed by Hawkmoth's minions, every time Ladybug wasted her Lucky Charm and resorted to violence, every time Chat Noir died and Ladybug did nothing to save him, every time Ladybug got fed up with fighting and roped another innocent child into this neverending war, every time they won a battle by sheer dumb luck. Fu cleared his throat.
"Yes...?"
"Good." Marianne grabbed Fu tightly and stretched her wrinkly mouth into a lecherous grin. "Come on, you old bowl of egg drop soup, let's do it."
Fu glanced around. "Here? Now?"
"Don't worry." She tore off his oxygen mask and ripped open her blouse. "I'm on the pill." Marianne tackled Fu in a passionate embrace that quickly became a tangled pile of arthritis.
Marinette shielded her eyes and ran away screaming "Oh Astruc!" over and over.
Mr. Ramier, nodding in approval and wiping a happy tear from his face, stayed behind and watched the whole thing.
Monday, at school:
Marinette was surrounded by the Adrinette Task Force. Each and every one watched her eagerly.
"Did you do tell him?" Rose asked. "Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did—"
Juleka patted the top of Rose's head and she stopped.
"Sort of..." Marinette said. "I wrote him a letter."
"Signed?" Alya asked knowingly.
"Yes, I signed it."
This earned Marinette cheers and rounds of congrats.
"You finally made the first move," Alix said. "Now the ball is in his court."
"OOH! I wonder what he'll do!" Rose squealed. "Maybe he'll write you back or maybe he'll buy you dinner or maybe he'll—"
"Hey, Marinette," Adrien called from across the school. "I got those constipation pills you wanted."
It was as if a stage light had been pointed at Marinette as the entire school population stared at her. Adrien obliviously gave her the medicine bag. "I'm not sure why you needed me to get these for you, I'm pretty sure they're available in any pharmacy here in Paris, but it was a fun 20-minute distraction. The rest of the weekend was round-the-clock partying that kinda ended in a blur and me and Kagami at some point getting these weird matching tattoos." He pulled up the back of his shirt, revealing a tramp stamp. It was a heart with the word ADRIGAMI inside it. "No clue what 'Adrigami' means. I think it was supposed to say 'Origami' but, you know, drunk. I also woke up half-naked in the Queen's bed sandwiched between Her Majesty and Kagami for some reason. No idea how that happened either. Well, see you in class." He went inside.
Marinette's wrench wound pulsed.
"Oh fuck," Alya said. "We forgot about stopping him from sleeping with Kagami."
With Emilie:
"Emi-poo, I'm back! Sorry I wasn't here to tuck you in all weekend long, but I had to attend—" Gabriel gasped as he entered the cathedral. The walls were desecrated, ripped and torn with clear signs of desperation. Caked over Emilie's glass coffin, written in what could only be blood was a haunting message.
'WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!'
"Oh my Astruc..." he whispered in horror. Then a wide grin broke out on his face. "Nathalie, did you do this?"
Nathalie came out chuckling from behind the coffin. "You got me, sir."
"Haha, classic. It's good to be home." Gabriel sighed happily and started cleaning the mess up.
Duusu appeared at Nathalie's side, thoroughly confused. "Uh… a lot less tears than I expected."
"That's because I pull this prank on him all the time," Nathalie answered smugly. "Looks like your joke fell flat." She gave the Kwami a mocking smile and proceeded to help Gabriel with the cleaning.
Nooroo joined Duusu in watching the humans with equal parts shock and fascination. "Yeah," Nooroo said. "Those two can be weird."
Something dark crept over Duusu's face. Its perpetual grin twitched into something ugly and vile. "That's not funny," it declared in a low growl. "Guess it's time to step up my game."
END
What happened in England? Matching tattoos? How did Kagami, Adrien, and the Queen end up in the same bed? Find out in Ikari Gozen!