Outside Uranai Baba's Palace
For kilometers around, there was nothing but sandy desert, barring the odd rocky mound to break up the terrain. The only landmark in sight was a massive lake with an odd structure at its brim. The structure was comprised of four terraces, three of which had buildings, connected to a bridge which had a dome-like structure meeting the sand, flanked by two palm trees. Yamcha's aircraft came in for a smooth landing, followed by Gebo and Checka's hovercar, while Kinto'un parked itself to allow its masters to disembark.
"This place is awfully hot, isn't it?" Upa said, several beads of sweat rolling down his face.
"It's not too bad," Yamcha waved off. The only others that looked fazed by the weather were Bulma, Oolong, and Checka, causing the ex-bandit to chuckle nervously. "Though that might be because some of us are used to this heat."
"I got ya covered," Rōshi announced, clicking and tossing a capsule to his side. Out from the 'POI' came a large cooler and several umbrellas. "Sometimes it gets toasty on my little island."
"Hey, it looks like there's a bit of a line," Gokū announced as he saw the entrance of the palace. Upon approach, the group saw several men who looked tough. Several of them gave the group a grumpy glare as they stood in line.
"Get in line please!" a wispy yet cheerful voice called out. As it got closer, it was clear the voice belonged to a ghost wearing a straw hat. "You will all get your chance in time!"
"Excuse me, is this Uranai Baba's palace?" Caulifla inquired.
"Why yes it is," The ghost replied with a nod. "Are you and this group together?"
"Uh yeah, but-"
"Eheheheheheheeee!" The ghost interrupted Caulifla with a mischevious chuckle. "I'll call you when it's your turn!~"
The ghost proceeded to float back into the palace, leaving the group somewhat weirded out, with Kuririn going so far as to call the little spectre a weirdo.
"Anyone wondering why everyone in front of us looks so tough?" Yamcha mused out loud.
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Kuririn waved off. "They look like a bunch of buddies from a big dojo."
"And which dojo do you suppose those two came from?" Caulifla inquired, an err of sarcasm in her voice.
The girl pointed her thumb to a very well-to-do couple walking away with gleeful smiles on their faces. The man was in a well-trimmed suit with a top hat, monocle, and a cane that one could only guess the value of, what with all the gems encrusted into it. The woman was wearing an expensive scarf, dress, and shoes, and several articles of jewelry that could financially set the average person for life if sold.
"Oh of course that's where I left my solid gold pickling stone!" The rich man jovially exclaimed. "It was hiding beneath the silver-embroidered couch cushions! Silly of me to not look there to begin with!"
The couple got into their hovercar and drove off, all while everyone's minds were beginning to wonder why these thugs were in line alongside such a wealthy couple.
"The next group please follow me!~" The ghost called out.
This earned a raucous cheer from the thugs in front as they marched onward. Moments later, the voices of the thugs switched from jubilation to pure agony and begging of mercy. Minutes passed before the thugs waddled out of the palace with newfound injuries and faces that could only be described as shock from horror.
"Better luck next time, guys!~" The ghost added as it bid the thugs farewell.
"That's not a good sign," Yamcha commented, a nervous bead of sweat rolling down his scalp.
"The next group, step forward please!~" The ghost announced. Gokū, Caulifla, and the others hesitantly stepped forward and crossed the bridge of the palace, now worried for several reasons about what lay in store for them.
"I-I'm scared…" Upa muttered, nervous beads of sweat rolling down his face.
"Can't say I blame you," Kuririn responded, not bothering to save face, his bald scalp glistening even more due to the nervous sweat.
The group finally crossed the threshold of the main chamber of the palace. Inside was dimly lit, the only lighting being that from outside, along with a few candles at the doorways. To each of the doorways were pairs of skeletons standing at attention, each holding a barbed trident. In the center of the chamber was a floating crystal ball, and sitting atop the floating orb was a short old - the word 'old' being used generously here - woman with a black robe and pointed hat with straight, white hair sticking out from underneath, making her look like a witch. Her face was wrinkled into jowls and several teeth were missing from her aged smile.
"Well now!" The old woman spoke in a warbled shrill voice. "Aren't you all so young? Well, except for the bozo over there with the shell."
"Nice to see you too, big sis," Muten Rōshi nodded, his tone unimpressed. This earned a collective look of surprise at the hermit. "Oh right. Uranai Baba is my older sister."
"Cool!" Gokū exclaimed before turning to face Baba. "So, could you locate something for us?"
"Sure," Baba responded with a crooked smile. "That'll be 10 million Zeni."
"T-TEN MILLION ZENI?!" Most of the group stammered in disbelief.
"I got this covered!~" Bulma added, reaching for her wallet. She dug around and pulled out a debit card.
"Nope!" The old crone rejected. "10 million zeni in cold hard cash. I don't do plastic."
"Damnit!" Bulma cursed as she grumpily put away her debit card and wallet. The troubles of modern living at its finest.
"Well, that explains the rich couple from earlier," Caulifla nervously chuckled.
"Still the greedy sadist," Rōshi muttered.
"Hold up!" Kuririn paused. "If she's your sister, maybe you could-"
"Nope," Baba interrupted. "No freebies even for this freeloader."
"Darn," Kuririn snapped his fingers in irritation.
"Well, since you're lacking the funds, please follow me," Baba requested as her crystal ball began to float towards the back entrance. The group hesitantly complied and followed, keeping their guard up the entire time.
Where the group stepped out onto was a large round arena with marble tiling that had clearly seen better days. A lower perimeter was lined with well-trimmed grass before it broke into a stone border above the lake. Baba paused some ways into the arena and turned to face her guests.
"I'm going to have you battle my champions one by one. Win, and you get to fight the next. Lose, and one of your companions will have to step in. Beat all five, and I will divine what you're looking for free of charge." The all-seeing crone explained the rules while the fighters of the group relaxed a bit.
"So that's why those thugs from earlier were screaming!" Yamcha surmised with a hearty chuckle. "Those morons must've gotten creamed!"
"Hooohohoho!" Kuririn laughed haughtily, a smug grin forming on his face. "Ma'am, you should know that four of us made it preeetty far in the Tenka'ichi Budokai. One of us even won the whole ball of wax!"
"And it wasn't you," Caulifla jeered with a smirk of her own, causing Kuririn's face to warp from smug bastard to disgruntled child.
"And you won only because Gokū threw the match!" Kuririn retorted.
"He threw the match for good reason!" Caulifla snapped back.
"Might not have to bring out my champions after all,~" Baba commented with a chuckle.
"Guys!" Yamcha interrupted, pushing the two apart. "Maybe we should save this energy for Baba's fighters?"
"Fine," Caulifla sighed. "I say Kuririn goes first."
"Why thank you very much," Kuririn bowed.
"Uh, would it be alright if some of us spectated?" Bulma asked. "Not all of us are fighters."
"Seems fair," Baba agreed. "Pick your fighters. The bald monk is going first, so who else is going in?"
"Dibs!" the Blonde Lunch exclaimed with a raised hand.
"I'll go as well," Yamcha suggested. "Caulifla and Gokū can step up if I get knocked out."
"Alright, then I'm up first!" Kuririn announced as he took to one side of the arena and began stretching to warm up. "Hope you guys don't mind fighting if I clean up the competition!"
"Go get 'em, buddy!" Gokū cheered from the sidelines.
"Alright then," Baba said. "Count Dracula, come forth!"
"'Count Dracula?'" Kuririn repeated, now confused. "You a horror movie fan or something?"
Out from the main keep of the palace flew a small bat, leaving Kuririn even more confused. The monk's confusion would swiftly shift to shock as the bat turned into an emaciated man wearing shorts, bandages on his feet and a pair of boxing gloves. The man known as Count Dracula was deathly pale - fitting considering he was a vampire - and had a manic, almost goofy grin on his face. The creature of the night swiftly squared up into a boxing stance and chuckled madly.
"That's Count Dracula?!" Kuririn exclaimed, almost having to stifle laughter. "He looks like the discount budget version of Dracula!"
"Hold up," Caulifla interrupted. "If this guy's a vampire, shouldn't he burst into flames? It's broad daylight right now."
"Not happening!" The vampire cackled as he pulled out a bottle of sunscreen. "SPF-100 with 24-hour protection!"
"Well, might as well see how this guy fights," Kuririn sighed as he settled into a comfortable fighting stance.
"Begin!" Baba exclaimed with a sinister toothless grin.
Immediately Dracula jumped up into the air and transformed into a bat. The winged vampire was quick - too quick for Kuririn to properly track - and flew circles around the monk to daze him. The bat flew in from behind and transformed back to his human form and pulled the boy into a headlock and bit down on his shiny head.
"OUCH!" Kuririn shouted as the vampire held strong, and began sucking blood from his scalp. "Get off of me you overgrown leech!"
Despite all the flailing about Kuririn performed, Dracula did not budge. Thinking quickly, Kuririn backflipped to try and conk the vampire off in an empty suplex, but the emaciated blood-sucker saw this coming and sprung off, leaving Kuririn to hit his head on the marble tile. The monk wobbly got to his feet while Dracula wiped a dribble of his victim's blood from his chin, followed by a belch.
"Tasty!" The goofy count cackled as he savored the liter of blood he had drained from his victim. "Tastes like chestnut!"
"Do you give up?" Baba called from beyond the ring, her ghost attendant at her side holding a bag of blood. "We'll give you a blood transfusion if you cry uncle!"
"You think I'll give up just like that?!" Kuririn seethed. Immediately, blood began to spurt out from his head and his dizziness began to escalate.
"Kuririn, keep your head cool!" Caulifla called out. "You'll bleed more if you get worked up!"
Kuririn quickly heeded his friend's advice and began to mutter a mantra to calm himself. Surely enough the spurts of blood on his head had slowed down and he was calm.
"Nice hairdo!" Gokū jeered, causing the spectators to stifle snickers and Kuririn's frustration to mount once again, as well as his blood pressure, causing the boy to go woozy again. Dracula quickly capitalized on this and kneed the light-headed monk off his feet and into the water. "Oops..."
"Down for the count!" Baba announced with a toothless grin.
The ghost quickly fished the unconscious monk out of the water and quickly wrapped bandages around his head before administering the transfusion. Eventually Kuririn regained consciousness and glared at Gokū.
"Why'd you have to open your big mouth?!" Kuririn shouted at his friend.
"I'm glad he did, 'cause I got this one in the bag," Lunch boasted as she stepped onto the arena, a box of snacks in her hand. Kuririn looked at the blond woman with a look of befuddlement.
"...Is she for real right now?" Kuririn muttered. "She chooses now to start snacking?"
"Well aren't you the nonchalant one?" Baba commented. "Alright, begin!"
"Geeeeeheheheheeee!" Dracula cackled madly as he charged forward ready to drink more blood, up until Lunch gave a very exasperated sigh. Immediately Dracula stopped and began to gag for breath. "What is that foul stench?! Are you eating poison?!"
"Nope," Lunch shrugged, pulling a morsel from her box. "Garlic flavored crackers. You want one?~"
"GARLIC?! THE BANE OF VAMPIRES?! In that case, I'll finish you the old fashioned way!"
The vampire outstretched his fists while Lunch pulled out a necklace chain that was around her neck that wasn't there earlier, and at the end of the chain was a cross.
"Hey, can I get an appraisal on this?~" Lunch cheekily asked with a devious smirk. "I want to make sure this is an authentic cross necklace."
The vampire screamed like a little girl and immediately turned into a bat to fly away, but Lunch was counting on this. She jumped up quickly and delivered a powerful axe kick to the winged creature, sending it careening into the lake.
"And I didn't even have to break out my mallet and stake," Lunch jeered as the spectators cheered for her victory.
"Nicely done deducing his weaknesses," Baba complimented. "And extra kudos on the delivery. However, your opponents will only get stronger from here."
"If I can nab one more win before the others step up, I won't complain," Lunch shrugged. "So, who's the other schmuck whose ass I have to kick?"
"Hohoho!" Baba chuckled. "He's already here!"
Everyone looked around to see where this fighter was, but there was nothing. The crone grinned sinisterly. "Can't see him eh? Well that's because he's invisible!"
"Invisible?!" Various members of the group - Lunch included - exclaimed.
"Begin!"
Lunch began to look around for any possible signs this spectre of a man might give until a solid hit to her ribs sent her tumbling.
"Ouch!" Lunch shouted in pain and frustration. "You damn cheap-shotting-"
Lunch did not finish her sentence as a blow to her back sent her stumbling forward, followed by various attacks to her limbs and torso.
'Okay, keep it together,' the blonde said mentally to calm herself down. 'He's invisible, but he's also tangible. Just gotta keep an ear out for his footsteps and the whooshes of wind with his movements…'
Lunch closed her eyes and focused on her hearing. It was faint, but she heard light footsteps moving about along with disturbances in the air. A swift whistle of air caught her attention and she quickly ducked. A surprised grunt could be heard as she planted her hands on the tiled floor and vaulted her right leg backwards for a kick. The attack connected, if only for a small amount.
"Gotcha!" Lunch cheered as she got back to her feet. "Can't hide if you can be heard! Now to-"
"OoOoH ThEy CaLl Me ThE AlL-sEeInG CrRrRrOoOoOoOnE!~" Baba began to sing in a terrible off-key manner that immediately distracted Lunch from her battle. Even the spectators felt the need to cover their ears at how dreadful it was, Gokū and Caulifla especially. "If ThErE's SoMeThInG tHaT yOu WoUlD lIkE tO kNoOoOoOoOw…~"
Immediately Lunch was once again being knocked about as Baba continued her cacophony that she called a song.
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP YOU WRINKLED OLD BITCH?!" Lunch shouted in pure frustration, only to earn another invisible attack to the side of her face, all while Baba chuckled mischeviously at the blonde's misfortune. 'Damnit! I need a way to see this jackass if I can't keep an ear out! Wait…' The proverbial lightbulb went off in Lunch's head. 'If Baba can influence this fight, oh I'm gonna regret this…'
"Yo Muten Rōshi!" Lunch called out to the spectator area. "Tilt your head up! Everyone else look over there!"
The crowd did as instructed while the Kame-Sennin tilted his head upwards.
"This isn't good for my neck, you know that?" Rōshi complained as he kept his eyes on the arena. Lunch kept getting knocked around by invisible attacks, until her window of opportunity came. With a quick motion, she pulled her shirt up, and was not wearing a bra…
...Immediately Rōshi's nose began to spray blood like an out of control garden hose and drenched the invisible champion in the turtle hermit's nose blood. Lunch smirked and put her shirt down, followed by a swift kick to the invisible man's groin, causing him to whine and collapse to the ground, writing in absolute pain. The man then pulled out a little white flag on a stick as he clutched his groin, trying to ease the pain.
"Hmph," Baba grunted. "I see you still can't control those nose-bleeds of yours brother."
"At least I've been trying!" Rōshi retorted, holding a now bloodied napkin to his nose. "Same can't be said about your greed and sadism."
"Oh yes, excellent work right there," Baba jeered with immense sarcasm in her tone.
"Alright shut up you two!" Lunch shouted, a twinge of red in her face. "I'm bailing after that fight. Yumcha, or whatever your name is, you're up!"
Lunch stormed off the arena, causing the hermit to back away in fear, now that he had seen the goodies, all while Yamcha stepped onto the arena.
"Alright, who's up next?" Yamcha asked aloud, readying himself for the upcoming fight.
"I admire your gusto, but we'll be switching arenas for these next fights," Baba announced. "Follow me."
Yamcha shrugged as they walked back into the main building, taking a stairwell upwards. The sparrow on Gebo's shoulder began to flutter madly while the large man tried to calm it down.
"You guys go on ahead," Gebo said as he stopped his ascent. "Toriyama isn't liking whatever's up there."
"Toriyama?" The group collectively repeated.
"The name of my bird here," Gebo answered, pointing a finger to the sparrow on his shoulder. "I'll be outside."
"I'll go with him," Checka offered. "I'm not sure I want to see this next fight."
"Suit yourself," Baba shrugged, continuing her ascent up the stairs.
Yamcha walked up to Muten Rōshi's side. "So, where are we going?" The ex-bandit asked.
"The Devil's Cesspool," The Kame-Sennin answered, his tone grave. "My advice? Don't die."
"Well that's reassuring," Yamcha sarcastically commented as they made their way up. The old crone paused in front of a wooden door.
"In here is where the challengers will go," Baba ushered Yamcha to the door. "Everyone else, follow me. We get the best seats in the house further up."
The rest of the group ascended the stairwell while Yamcha stood in front of the door he was told, and took a deep breath before entering. He was their third fighter going up against Baba's third fighter. He opened the door and stepped inside. This fight should be good.
Count Dracula - Fangs the Vampire
A/N: Okay, short chapter, but it was amusing to write. Baba be a greedy witch, and since I had Bulma tag along, it wasn't hard to come up with a valid excuse to keep her wallet out of the equation. As for the fights with the first two Halloween party rejects, they were fun to write, 'Specially Lunch just nonchalantly smiting a vampire. Fun fact, the original manga chapters when this arc was published were around October and November, which explains all the halloween monsters. Hope this was a fun read, albeit a short one, and leave a review with your thoughts. :)