CHAPTER 23

It was just past 1:00 AM and I had looked at the clock at least ten times in the past hour since I got into bed. I had gotten back from my girl's night out with Em just before midnight. My body was beyond exhausted, but my brain was firing on all cylinders. Another week had gone by without seeing or talking to Matt. He hadn't called in a couple of days, which had me slightly worried. In my infinite way of overthinking everything, I had convinced myself that Matt had given up and had made his choice to be with Gabby. Even through the lingering haze of the tequila I drank earlier, I knew that I made the decision to turn to Jace to hurt Matt, at least in part. I knew he would be pissed about it and that's what I'd set out to accomplish. What I didn't realize at the time was that I'd also further reinforced Matt's staunch belief that Jace and I were sleeping together. I also felt like I was using Jace in a way he didn't deserve. My head felt like it was going to explode. All I wanted to do was hide inside my little cocoon with Finn and keep everyone else away. The outside world was too much for me to handle at the moment.

I was afraid that my constant tossing and turning was going to wake up Finn. Jace had texted me earlier to tell me he'd woken up a couple of times after I nursed him and initially put him to bed before I left to go out with Em. I got out of bed, wrapped my robe around me, covered Finn up and headed out to the living room. I walked over to the wet bar and poured myself a glass of white wine. I hoped drinking it would relax me enough so I could eventually fall asleep. The amount of tequila I drank earlier seemed to accomplish just the opposite.

I stood in front of the floor to ceiling windows that looked out on the Chicago skyline, sipping my wine and thinking about how everything had changed in the course of the last couple of weeks. I had expected that Jace would be the one to cause problems between me and Matthew, but he had done nothing. At least he had been honest about his intentions and wanting me back in his life, but he had kept his distance out of respect for me and my life with Matt and Finn. In light of the recent circumstances, I wondered if he would see this as an opportunity to get what he came here for. Now that Matt and I were separated, Jace's trajectory may have changed.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't get the image of Matt in bed with Gabby Dawson out of my head. It made me sick to my stomach. As much as I wanted to be able to move past it, I couldn't do it. Not yet. I would never in a million years have thought that Matt could do this, not even at the worst times in our marriage. Then again, I would have never in a million years have thought that Jackson Walker would come back from the dead, either. It was clear to me that nothing in my life made any sense anymore, except for the little blonde haired angel sleeping in the bedroom. He was the only thing that kept me relatively sane in the craziness that was my life at the moment.

"It's late, Cookie. Are you okay? Is Finn alright? He had a rough couple of hours after you left last night." The sudden sound of Jace's voice startled me. I turned around to see him standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of jeans and his prosthetic leg.

"Finn's out like a light. I'm okay. Just couldn't sleep. Can't seem to shut my mind off," I said, swallowing down the remainder of the wine and setting the empty wine glass on the dining room table. "I'm sorry if I woke you. Go back to bed."

"You didn't wake me. I've been lying in there awake for a while, thinkin'."

"About what?"

"You. You're all I ever think about."

"Don't." I said curtly, pointing at him.

"Don't what?"

"Say things like that! You know the situation I'm in right now." I was in no mood to deal with his feelings when I could barely sort out my own, especially in the early hours of the morning after imbibing several alcoholic drinks.

"Yeah, Cook...I know the situation. I'm reminded of it everywhere I look. But let me ask you somethin'...does that husband of yours know it? Seems to me that he wouldn't have fucked his ex-wife if he took your marriage seriously or thought at all about his little boy."

"Stop it, Jackson! I don't want to hear this right now!" I said, covering my ears like a five year old who had been scolded.

"You've got to hear it, Cook! I've kept my mouth shut about this for long enough! Christ, when I first met you, he had already broken your heart once. Now he's done it again! When are you gonna realize that I'm the only man who's ever loved you the way you deserve? With everything you've been rememberin', that should be obvious to you. I would move Heaven and earth to have you back and I sure as hell wouldn't take another woman to bed if you were mine!"

I collapsed to my knees and began to sob. I covered my face with my hands, unable to stop myself from crying. I felt completely defeated. Jace was right. He was the only man in my life, with the exception of my father, who had never hurt me. Matt had been first, followed by Stephen Gage and now Matt had done it again. I wondered how I could have allowed myself to make even the smallest excuses for Matt's behavior this time. He was the one who ruined everything, not me and I had to stop making myself feel guilty for having been in love with Jace at one time. It had all been for Matthew's benefit and where did that leave me? I hated him for making me feel this way and for no other reason than having the courage to fall in love with someone else and make a life for myself after he disappeared.

"Goddamn him, why did he do this to us? It wasn't perfect, but I thought we were happy. We had a good life. Stupid me. Gabriella Dawson must have something I don't. Maybe I'm not enough of a woman for him…" I sobbed, still holding my hands to my face. I could feel Jace kneel down in front of me. He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face.

"Look at me, baby...please," he said. His blue eyes were wet with tears and his deep voice was soft, but boomed in the quiet still of the room. "You are more than enough woman for any man who's worth the sack between his legs. You're all the woman I will ever want and goddamn anybody that makes you feel like anything less . I still love you, Madeleine. I loved you back then, I love you even more now and I will never stop loving you until the day they put me in the ground. I've carried you with me every day, every place I went, including hell, just like I promised I would on our wedding night," he said, taking my hand and putting it on the tattoo of my name that adorned his chest. "My goddamn body aches for you every minute of every day. It has for the last fifteen years. My life means nothin' without you in it."

I felt firmly wedged between my past and my present. My entire existence had been turned upside down by two men...Jace, who was willing to do anything to have me back in his life after fifteen years apart, and Matt, who seemed willing to throw away everything we had built together over the last four years. Finding Matt in bed with Gabby Dawson had destroyed my trust in him, my faith in his love for me and my feelings of self-worth. I thought our bond was strong enough to withstand anything, but it was me who stayed strong when Jace turned up out of the blue, not Matt. Matt had become an angry, paranoid, insecure basket case even though neither Jace nor I had given him any reason to act that way. Because of his betrayal, I felt less like a woman than I ever had before.

"Say you'll come back to me, Cookie. I can't give you anymore babies, but I can give you everything else and I will spend the rest of my life making you happy, whether it's here or in Texas or on the goddamn moon."

"Shut up, cowboy," I said, pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes. I suddenly felt the chasm between what my life had been with Jace and my life as it was right now split further apart. I was flooded with a tidal wave of emotions that swiftly washed away the doubts I had about myself and all the pain that Matt had caused me until there was nothing left but Jace kneeling in front of me, loving me without limits and the insurmountable heartbreak we both had gone through. Our emotional connection to each other was undeniable. Here, in the darkness of my surroundings, he shone like a beacon in the fog and all I wanted to do was cling to him so I could be rescued.

"No, goddammit...I won't shut up. I'll keep sayin' it until you hear me," he protested.

"I hear you, cowboy. Now shut up before I change my mind," I said as I grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him towards me until my mouth connected with his. I kissed him softly at first, unsure of how he'd react to me. He abruptly grabbed my wrists. He pulled his face away from mine and stared into my eyes. He sat back on his heels and looked at me. His blue eyes were alive with a familiar fire and never broke their gaze from my face.

"Do you know what you're doin', Cook?"

"You tell me, cowboy. You were my first teacher in this subject," I said. A soft smile broke out across his face.

"I want you to be sure about this, baby, because I would have rather died in that fucking desert if you were doin' this out of a sense of pity or to get back at that asshole husband of yours," His voice cracked as he spoke.

"I'm not sure of much right now, but one thing I am sure of is that I want this. I promise you that it's not out of pity or spite. I need to feel desired, like I'm enough for someone and I think you need to feel that too. Who's more qualified to do that than the woman who loved you like no one else ever had before? Those are your words, cowboy...not mine."

He looked at me with red rimmed eyes and nodded his head as he tenderly caressed my cheek. He leaned in toward me painfully slowly, almost as if he was uncertain of himself. I leaned in, meeting him halfway and wrapped my arms around his neck until our lips met in the middle. His desire for me was obvious now as his hands splayed across my back and pulled me in close to his body. His bare skin felt burning hot and tense under my hands, like every muscle was screaming for release. He kissed me urgently, exploring the inside of my mouth with his tongue. When he finally pulled himself away, he stood up in front of me and extended his hand down. I put my hand in his and he helped me up into a standing position. His eyes explored every inch of my face as he stood there silently, with my hand in his, until he turned around and led me into his bedroom. He stopped at the end of the bed and turned to face me. He untied my robe and pushed it off my shoulders, caressing the skin of my neck as he did. I hung both of my arms down, letting it drop to the floor around my feet. Standing there nearly naked in front of him seemed completely normal to me, like we had never been separated by time or circumstance. He gazed at me, never uttering a word. His eyes were wet and his face was flushed. He exhaled hard as his hands cupped my breasts for the first time since he had left for Iraq fifteen years ago. I watched his face as a few more tears escaped down over his cheeks. My heart swelled inside me, making me ache for him and everything he had lost in his life.

I pressed my face into his chest, placing soft kisses on his skin. I moved over to his left nipple and gently licked at it before pulling it into my mouth. He took a sharp breath in as my wet warm tongue connected with the sensitive flesh. I traced my hands down his torso until they were on the waistband of his jeans. I unbuttoned them, slowly pulled the zipper down and pushed them past his hips. His burgeoning erection was partially exposed. Instinctively, I reached out to touch him, but he grabbed my hand before I could.

"Jackson?" I said, looking up at him and feeling confused. He looked almost afraid of what might have happened if I took him in my hand.

"Sorry, baby. Scared as hell," he said, running his hand over his face.

"It's just you and me, cowboy...like it used to be. There's nothing to be scared of."

He nodded his head and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He pushed his jeans the rest of the way off and sat on the end of the bed. He began to remove his prosthetic, then stopped and gazed up at me with blazing blue eyes that held an unspoken fear.

"Will it bother you if I take this off, baby? I don't want to frighten you and I sure as hell don't want you to think I look like some sort of freak from a side show." I slowly dropped down to my knees on the floor in front of him. I placed my hands on top of his thighs and looked directly into his eyes.

"You are not a freak, Jackson Walker, and I could never be scared of you. You're one of the most beautiful men I've ever known, inside and out." He reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb.

"You're the beautiful one," he said softly, before unstrapping the prosthetic and removing it. I touched him on the protective sock he wore over the stump of his leg, making him inhale sharply, almost as if he was anticipating some kind of physical or emotional pain. I kissed his knee tenderly, working my way up his thigh until my mouth found its intended target. He made a low gutteral noise as I grasped him firmly in my hand and licked him around the head of his penis. He dropped his head back and arched his back, exposing all of himself to me. I licked the clear drop of fluid that had formed on the tip before taking his full length into my mouth. He raised his hips and let out a slow hiss as my mouth moved down his shaft. He pulled my hair to one side, and watched me as I pleasured him.

"Christ Almighty," he whispered. I pulled my mouth away and looked up at him. "Okay, cowboy?" I asked. "Fuck yes, baby. More than you know," he replied. I pulled my mouth away from him and slowly stood up. He hooked his fingers in the waistband of my panties and slowly lowered them over my hips, down past my thighs and onto the floor around my feet. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled my body close to his face, placing soft kisses on my skin. His fingers dug into my flesh as he moved and breathed in my scent. His mouth found its way to my sex, making slippery circles around my swollen bud with the tip of his tongue, taking my breath away. My hands fisted in his long hair as his mouth and tongue lingered at my most private place. Him touching me this way felt as natural to me as it had so many years ago. He was my husband then and he was my husband now in this private moment.

He pushed himself back further onto the bed, leaning back on his arms. I straddled his lap, pressing my knees into the bed on either side of his thighs, then took his face in my hands. I lightly scratched at his beard as my mouth landed on his in a soft, wet kiss.

"Will it be easier for you like this, with me on top?" I asked, cupping his face in my hands and lightly rubbing his beard with my fingers.

"I don't know, baby. I haven't done this in a while... not since..." He nodded his head towards the left side of his body.

"You mean you haven't …" I said, putting my hand behind me on his left thigh. I could feel my own tears begin to fall.

"That's right, baby...I haven't been with a woman since you. You are the love of my life. I don't ever want to be with anyone else." With those words, the love that I had begun to feel for him increased ten fold. In all the years we had been apart, he hadn't made love to anyone else. He had remained faithful to me and the vows we took. I couldn't help but think that Matt could learn a thing or two from this man's example.

"I remember how you always made me feel like I was the only woman in the world for you," I said, with a few more tears falling.

"Because you are, Cookie. I knew it the minute I saw you. When you look at me, the whole fucking world fades away," he said. Tears were streaming down his face as he spoke. He was such an incredible man. It ripped my heart apart to think that he felt he was anything less because of his handicap.

"I think we both need the world to fade away for a while, don't we?" I said, kissing him tenderly. "Yes, please," he whispered into my mouth.

The life we shared was no longer a hazy memory. My heart was full of him and the white hot intensity with which we loved each other. We shared a history that I couldn't deny, especially now that so much of it had come back to me. He had loved me every day since we met and had never faltered, even in all the years we were apart. I wanted to make him feel just as loved and desired and worthy as he made me feel. He deserved that much and I deserved to be in the arms of a man who had never hurt me.

His hands snaked up my back, pulling me in closer to his body. His erection was pressing against my sex, beckoning me. I lifted my hips and slowly guided him inside me. He let out a hushed gasp into my mouth as I lowered myself onto him, taking in his full length. I raised myself up, then slowly lowered myself back down on him again several more times. He held me firmly around the waist and pushed his face against the side of my neck, placing a few kisses on my skin. He stared up at me with pure, unadulterated love, looking deeply into my eyes as I moved. He moved his mouth over to my right breast and took my nipple into his mouth. He sucked it gently, swirling his tongue around, making the flesh stand rigid. His hold on me suddenly tightened and with one swift movement, he flipped me over onto my back and laid his big body between my legs. He braced his arms on either side of my shoulders and began to thrust himself deep inside me. His long, wavy hair hung loosely around his head and brushed against my face. I wrapped my legs around the back of his thighs and held his face in my hands as he masterfully controlled my body. I moved my hands down to his shoulders when I felt my orgasm begin. I dug my nails into his skin, holding on for dear life as it rocked my entire body with a power I hadn't felt before. Within seconds, he found his own release. He came hard, thrusting faster, finally collapsing on top of me when his body had no more to give me . He nestled his head down between my breasts, breathing heavily as he pushed his arms underneath my back, holding me tight. I silently wept, overcome by the rush of emotions that were swirling in my head. I felt his body begin to shake as I held him.

"Are you okay, cowboy?" I asked. He lifted his head up to look at me and I could see that he was crying too.

"It's been so long since I felt your body next to mine, baby ," he said. "When I was out in the desert, all I kept thinkin' was that I didn't want to die without seeing your face and touching you one more time. Now that I have, I never want to let you go. For the first time in fifteen years, I feel like a whole man again," he said, breaking down. I held his face in my hands and kissed him repeatedly as we both wept.

"You are a whole man, Jackson Walker. You were when I met you and you are now, even more than before," I said.

"I love you so goddamn much, Cookie," he said.

"I love you too, cowboy," I replied. I wasn't lying. The feelings of love I had for him hadn't faded or been lost; they had been locked somewhere deep inside my head until now. Laying there with him holding me in the dark, my choices suddenly became more clear, like someone had cast a light on them. We crawled under the covers and held each other for several minutes. Jace propped himself up on his left elbow, his right hand caressing my face. His beautiful blue eyes stared at me for several minutes, without him saying a word.

"What is it, cowboy?" I asked.

"Nothin', baby. I just wanna look at you for a while. I've dreamt about this for so long now, I just want to make sure I'm not still dreamin'," he said.

"You're not dreaming, cowboy," I said, lifting my head up and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. His right hand held my neck firmly as he deepened the kiss.

"Goddamn, baby...I hope you're right, because if I am, I'll kill the sonofabitch that wakes me up," he said, after he pulled away from my mouth. "Will you stay here with me tonight? I don't want you to leave this bed. I've been alone for too long," he asked as he cupped my face with his big hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, cowboy" I said, wrapping my arm around his torso and pushing my face into his hairy chest. He kissed the top of my head, then pulled me close to his body and wrapped his arms around me. I fell asleep listening to the familiar brag of his heart and for the first time in the last two weeks, I felt a sense of peace and of overwhelming love.