Welcome, everyone, to Zenmasters: Seasons 3 to 5+!
I was pretty set on keeping this rewrite project limited to the titular seasons when I started. The only exception, I thought, would be to possibly do a rewrite of the series finale, working on the premise that Season 7 would be the last.
Then I rewatched Season 6 for the first time in a while.
Let's be charitable and say that I did not love it (for more detailed, and more angry thoughts, check the Zen3to5 blog on Tumblr.) One of the only bright spots in the season IMO is Jackie and Hyde's material, but even that has some rough patches. So I've decided not only to do a new series finale, but to make some more adjustments along the way there. In doing so, I've set myself the following hard limits:
1. I'm only rewriting what I find to be the rough patches in Jackie and Hyde's material (otherwise, I'd be overhauling virtually every single script of this season, and no way am I going down that road.) Since I think their relationship is generally well-handled in Season 6, that means we're only looking at two areas: their make-up at the beginning of the season (which I think was sloppy) and the Pam Burkhart arc (which has virtually no Zen, when it really should have.) Adding Zen, and still acting on the premise that these could be feasible scripts for the show, there will naturally be other adjustments, but those were only made on the basis that they had to be to make room for J/H material in these 22-minute episodes.
2. I have to be able to use something from the 3 to 5 rewrites, even if it's only a single line, as a basis for adding Zen to a given episode or run of episodes.
With that out of the way - let's get started!
(And, as with 5-01, I couldn't resist imagining a new credits sequence.)
We open on a unique title card, patterned after the logo from THE GODFATHER. "The Godfather Theme" by Nino Rota plays as we cut to:
INT. FORMAN BEDROOM - DAY
DREAM SEQUENCE. The Forman master bedroom, converted to an at-home hospital bed. RED, as Don Corleone, lies in bed, propped up on pillows. Surrounding him are BOB as Tom Hagen, KELSO as Fredo, and HYDE as Sonny. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms. Everyone is grim-faced and the room is dark, even in the day – very Coppola.
BOB:
Don Forman, it is an honor and privilege to receive you in your home in the wake of the heart attack caused by your daughter's wedding.
Red rolls his eyes, unnoticed by Bob.
BOB (cont'd):
While you've been away, they locked up that Son of Sam, Al Unser took the Indy 500, and that new movie Grease is such a hoot, boy.
RED:
What about the Family?
BOB:
Well, that little dame with the mouth has been hiding down at the pool all summer, on account of these two still being after her.
He points to Kelso and Hyde, who shift on their feet.
HYDE:
Yeah, but that's over now. We're sending Kelso out west to learn the nutcracker business.
KELSO:
Nutcracker business? Why would I -
Hyde kicks him in the groin, sending him to the floor.
HYDE:
(laughing)
Loser.
He sets Schatzi on the bed and crosses to the bedroom door. As soon as he opens it, machine gunfire rips open. Hyde stumbles back into the room, being thrown about by the many bloodless squibs going off, until he falls down on top of Kelso.
Bob and Red briefly glance at the bodies, then return to their conversation.
BOB:
And your wife, she's working double shifts again, on account of you not being able to manage the business.
KITTY, as Mama Corleone in a nurse's hat, bursts into the room, with a laundry basket under one arm and a pot of soup under the other. She hurries over to Red, kisses him on the forehead, glances down at Hyde and Kelso, looks up to God, and runs out of the room with tears in her eyes, all while spewing a non-stop torrent of obviously fake Italian.
RED:
What about my son, Bob? Where's Eric?
Bob shifts on his feet, looks away. We cut to:
EXT. ITALIAN VILLA – DAY
A picturesque little village in the Sicilian countryside, a lovely image to have on a cheesy backdrop hanging behind the cast. ERIC, as Michael Corleone in his military uniform, and DONNA as Kay stand in the middle of the street, arms around each other's waists. "Godfather Love Theme" by Nino Rota plays in the background.
DONNA:
Eric, are you sure we should be going off to college and seeing the world when your father's heart attack and our friends' stupidity leaves the Family vulnerable?
ERIC:
That's my family, Donna. That's not me. I'm going my own way. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
The best New York backlot set available. Old roadsters line the street, steam comes up from the manholes, everyone goes about in hats and coats, and a fruit stand with plenty of oranges is set up on the corner. Red and Bob are at the stand, selecting oranges while Kelso waits for them by a black 1941 Ford.
Shot-for-shot, the shooting of Don Corleone. A gunman steps out from behind a truck. Red notices their approach. He bolts for the car, knocking over the stand and sending oranges spilling into the street, but it's too late. FEZ, as Sollozzo, sprays him with fire from his handgun.
Slumped down against the car, Red turns around and looks up at Fez.
RED:
So... it was the foreigner all along.
FEZ:
Seriously? Have you looked around at this dream? You're Italian, I'm Italian - we're all foreigners, you cranky bastard!
He fires off one more shot, and Red falls to the ground, dead.
CUT TO:
SPINNING NEWSPAPER. Headline: FORMAN SLAIN.
CUT TO:
EXT. ITALIAN VILLA - DAY
Eric, clutching at the newspaper, with Donna reading over his shoulder. Eric crushes the paper in one hand, bites the knuckles of the other.
ERIC:
Oh, Pop. If only I had set aside all my own personal hopes and dreams for my life and stayed at home. If only I hadn't gone against the Family.
He throws his head to the sky in true melodramatic fashion as we crane up.
ERIC:
Why? Why? WHY?
CUT TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM – DAY
Late morning. The window curtains are drawn, letting in the sunlight, and Jackie's cot is empty. Eric and Donna are snuggled together in Donna's bed, still asleep.
Eric stirs, jolts straight up. He takes in where he is, lets out a long sigh. Donna, still groggy from sleep, sits up and puts a hand on his shoulder.
DONNA:
Eric, is everything all right?
ERIC:
(beat)
Yeah.
Eric pats her hand and slides out of bed. He starts to get dressed.
ERIC (cont'd):
I gotta go. My folks come home from the hospital today. Hyde and I are picking them up.
Donna's closet opens. Out steps Fez, all smiles.
FEZ:
Mr. Red is coming home?
Eric jumps and Donna pulls the covers up to her chin.
ERIC:
Fez?
DONNA:
Oh, my God! Did you see anything?
FEZ:
Not much. You should really think about a night light.
Donna and Eric both take pillows from the bed and chuck them at Fez, who retreats back into the closet.
MAIN TITLES
INT. VISTA CRUISER – NIGHT
A) The gang out on the road. Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.
THEME SONG:
Hangin' out...
B) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys' shoulders.
THEME SONG:
Down the street...
C) Kelso drives, with Fez next to him and Hyde in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits a scowling Red, then Eric, then Bob.
THEME SONG:
The same old thing...
D) Red drives, with Kitty in the passenger's seat, holding Schatzi. Bob sits in the middle of the back seat, hands behind his head.
THEME SONG:
We did last week...
E) Fez drives, with Donna next to him and Kelso in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits Eric, then Hyde, then Jackie. Donna leans into Fez as the gang sing along.
THEME SONG:
Not a thing to do...
F) Jackie drives, with Donna next to her and Kitty in the passenger's seat.
THEME SONG:
But talk to you...
G) Hyde drives, with Eric in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits Donna, and behind Hyde sits Jackie. The girls are leaning forward in their seats, their arms wrapped around the boys' shoulders.
THEME SONG:
We're all alright!
H) Eric drives, with Donna next to him and Hyde in the passenger's seat. Behind him sits Jackie, then Fez, then Kelso.
THEME SONG:
We're all alright!
I) The creators' license plate, a 1978 sticker in the corner.
HYDE (v.o.):
Hello, Wisconsin!
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY
Shortly after the pre-credits scene. Hyde sits at the kitchen table, a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him. He has Schatzi in his arms, cuddled close to his face. He picks up a piece of bacon and holds it up for Schatzi to eat.
Eric, Donna (dressed in a bathing suit and dress) and Fez enter through the patio door. They freeze when they see Hyde, and he freezes when he sees them, causing Schatzi to strain to reach the bacon.
Though all three struggle not to laugh, Donna finds her voice first:
DONNA:
(to Hyde)
Are you feeding and cuddling with a wiener dog?
HYDE:
Are you planning to wear a bathing suit to a hospital visit?
ERIC:
(to Donna)
Oh, please do.
FEZ:
Yes, please.
Donna shakes her head and rolls her eyes.
DONNA:
I'm going to the pool with Jackie.
HYDE:
She choose between me and Kelso yet?
DONNA:
I don't know. But Kelso's been going down there to show off for her. He's got a speedo with the Point Place Police Department badge printed on the ass. It's really disturbing.
Hyde pushes himself to his feet, Schatzi still in his arms.
HYDE:
Whatever, man. She thinks I'm gonna wait around all summer 'cause she can't choose between me and a guy who once forgot he was allergic to eggs? His head swelled up to five times its normal size. Screw that, man. I'm over her.
Schatzi chooses this time to lick the corner of Hyde's mouth. Eric chuckles, crosses to Hyde and puts a hand on his shoulder.
ERIC:
Hyde, the other day I was down in the basement and went to put on Zeppelin, and I found country music records hidden in the sleeve to Physical Graffiti. You're not over her.
Fez smirks, crosses to them.
FEZ:
(to Hyde)
So, you console your loneliness with doggie kisses and country songs, while I am married to Eric's slutty sister.
HYDE:
Yeah, how's that going?
FEZ:
Oh, not great. But I'm pretty sure when she gets back from our honeymoon in Cancun, things will pick up.
ERIC:
Laurie went on your honeymoon alone?
FEZ:
Oh, no, that would be crazy. She took her friend Carlos along to keep an eye on her. But I paid for both of them, so everyone know who the man is in this deal.
Eric, Donna, and Hyde all share a look.
ERIC:
(to Hyde)
All right, let's get going.
(to Fez)
You stay here. My dad doesn't want you anywhere near the hospital.
FEZ:
Why not? I'm family. I want to support my new American dad after his heart attack.
ERIC:
Fez, you're the one who gave him the heart attack.
HYDE:
By marrying his daughter, who's on your honeymoon with another guy.
FEZ:
Oh, no, no, no. Carlos is just like, um... he's kind of like a – a chaperone. He, uh...
(beat)
Son of a bitch!
He stomps his foot and pouts, even as Hyde presses Schatzi into his arms. Eric, Hyde, and Donna file out the door.
BUMPER
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A reception desk at the hospital. A DOCTOR leads Eric, Red, Kitty, and Hyde up the hallway. Red is in decent shape and rotten mood; same as always, really.
RED:
Come on, Kitty. Let's get the hell out of this weird place. I think some of these nurses are stealing drugs.
The doctor gives Kitty a look.
KITTY:
Red, I am a nurse here.
(laughs)
RED:
I stand by my statement.
DOCTOR:
Okay, Mr. Forman, just to be clear: no going to work, no chores, no driving for three months. And let's not forget the root cause of the problem.
ERIC:
Too much rage, right? Yeah, so he probably shouldn't, like, yell at anyone anymore, right?
DOCTOR:
Actually, the reason he ran into trouble is he was holding stuff in.
ERIC:
(beat)
He was holding stuff in? Okay, I weigh 42 pounds 'cause of what he let out and – I'm sorry – you're telling me that, uh, there's more in there?
Kitty hurries between her husband and son and takes both their arms.
KITTY:
(to doctor)
No, no, no. He does not weigh 42 pounds. And these two are the best of buddies!
(doing Eric)
"Hey, Dad, wanna go fishing?"
(doing Red)
"Sure, son. Let's hug."
(normal voice)
That's what it's like at our house!
(laughs)
RED:
(to doctor)
See what I mean about the drugs?
DOCTOR:
(to Red)
What you need to do is focus on things that make you happy.
ERIC:
Okay, but I don't know where we're gonna find a boatload of dead commies.
HYDE:
(points to Eric, himself)
Yeah, but there's two asses he loves sticking his foot up right here.
Eric nods. Red gives him and Hyde an appraising look as Kitty shakes her head.
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL - DAY
The Point Place public pool, a small and tidy swimming hole surrounded by a chain-link fence. Donna and JACKIE, in a tiny bikini and skirt, sip sodas at a small cable in the corner.
DONNA:
Jackie, the summer's almost over and you haven't decided between Kelso and Hyde yet.
JACKIE:
Why should I rush for them? The sun is out, the air is warm, I'm almost at my most delicious shade of cocoa brown – let that two-timing moron and paranoid hophead wait it out a little longer.
DONNA:
Well, Hyde might be done waiting, so you may not have a choice anymore.
Jackie takes her sunglasses off and leans in toward Donna.
JACKIE:
What do you mean?
Before Donna can answer, a shadow blocks their sun. It's Kelso, fresh from the pool, dripping wet in his PPPD speedo.
KELSO:
Ladies. Ladies' bodies.
(to Jackie)
So, Jackie, what do you think?
He flexes, pushes up his shoulders.
KELSO (cont'd):
Yep. Police Academy starts in a week. All this swimming's getting me into shape.
DONNA:
Wouldn't getting into shape for the police academy mean eating donuts and growing a bad moustache?
KELSO:
Oh, I'm growing the bad moustache.
Jackie rolls her eyes, looks around Kelso to Donna.
JACKIE:
So is Mr. Forman home yet?
DONNA:
Eric's picking him up now. I don't know what they're gonna do once we're in Madison. Kitty and Hyde are both working double shifts, but that still doesn't cover the lost income from Red not working.
JACKIE:
Yeah... and what about medical bills? Price Mart offers terrible coverage, and you can forget about any help from the government now that health reform's stalled.
DONNA:
I know, right?
KELSO:
Wait, hold up.
(to Donna)
You said a bunch of sad stuff...
(to Jackie)
You followed up with some money and health fact stuff...
(to Donna)
And you said "I know," which makes me think Jackie used that right, which makes me think she knew what she was talking about.
DONNA:
Very good, Kelso. That's what we call a "conversation."
KELSO:
Well, I know some facts too. Jimmy Carter? He had a peanut farm. And the Dairy Queen down the street is selling half-off peanut buster parfaits today. Now, excuse me as I walk down there to get one – without pants.
He turns his ass Jackie's way before strolling off. The girls shake their heads.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Welcome home, Red! The family file in through the patio door. Kitty keeps her arms ready to support Red, who looks done with this day already.
KITTY:
(to Red)
Now, let's get you upstairs for your nap.
(to Eric, Hyde)
And boys, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.
ERIC:
Mom, please, we haven't shenaniganed in about six years.
HYDE:
We've hooliganed.
ERIC:
We've no-goodniked.
HYDE:
We've ne'er done well.
ERIC:
And just last week, we found ourselves rabble-rousing.
RED:
Will you shut up?
Eric and Hyde, both laughing, step aside so that Red can go through the door to the living room...
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY
And find Fez standing in front of his chair with a balloon and flowers.
FEZ:
Welcome home, Dad!
RED:
You. You've got a lot of nerve, showing your face around here after what you did to my daughter!
He slowly advances on Fez, who somehow just doesn't get the danger he's in.
FEZ:
Hey, I did you a favor. That girl's been passed around this town -
KITTY/ERIC/HYDE:
NO!
Eric and Hyde pull Red back as Kitty rushes over to Fez and takes him by the shoulders.
KITTY:
Okay. You've already given him one heart attack. That's enough. Now hush.
She gently pushes a pouting Fez down to the couch. Eric crosses to the coffee table and grabs a small bowl full of candy.
ERIC:
(to Fez)
Hey, look, buddy – raisinets!
Instantly happy once more, Fez takes the candy and chows down.
Kitty hurries back over to Red and leads him to the stairs.
KITTY:
(to Red)
Okay, okay. Naptime.
She sees him halfway up the staircase, then lets him go the rest of the way on his own as she leans over the railing.
KITTY (cont'd):
Oh, and Steven, he has a check-up next week during my shift, so I need you to take him.
HYDE:
Mrs. Forman, I told you, I'm working then.
KITTY:
Oh, that's right. Eric, could you -
ERIC:
No, Mom. I'm not gonna be here, remember? I'm moving away.
KITTY:
(beat)
Oh, so you're still going?
ERIC:
Yes, I'm still going. It's college. I have to register for classes.
KITTY:
Fine.
ERIC:
Mom, I gotta get out of here.
KITTY:
(short)
Fine!
ERIC:
Great.
KITTY:
Great!
ERIC:
Fine!
Kitty turns away and heads up the stairs. Eric scoffs, points after her and looks to Hyde, "can you believe that?" Hyde offers a shrug, "what can you do?"
The front door opens. In walks LAURIE, suitcase in hand. She sets it down by the couch and crosses to the boys.
LAURIE:
(to Eric)
Hey, little brother.
(to Hyde)
Hey, orphan.
(to Fez)
Hey, hubby.
Fez stands.
FEZ:
Don't "hubby" me! I'm mad at you.
LAURIE:
Aww. But I brought you a souvenir.
She pulls a crystal shot glass from her purse and presents it to Fez.
ERIC:
Oh, look, Fez, a genuine Cancun shot glass still sticky with tequila.
FEZ:
(to Laurie)
Aww, you shouldn't have.
LAURIE:
No biggie. Some guy left it in my room.
She struts her way into the kitchen.
CUT TO:
INT. HUB - EVENING
A modest evening. "You Don't Own Me" by Lesley Gore plays on the jukebox. At a center table, Jackie sits alone, reading a newspaper. Kelso, in a leather jacket and a PPPD T-shirt, enters, struts over to her table and leans on the back of an empty chair.
Jackie barely glances over her paper to look at him, which Kelso takes for her checking him out.
KELSO:
Yep. Just picked up the shirt today. It's a tight fit, so it really shows off all that swimming I've been doing.
He makes a show of sliding his jacket off and showing his arms before sitting down. Only then does he notice what Jackie's up to.
KELSO (cont'd):
Are you reading a newspaper?
JACKIE:
Yeah.
KELSO:
Are you reading the news part of a newspaper?
Jackie raises her eyebrows at him.
JACKIE:
That is where the news is, Michael.
KELSO:
Yeah, but since when do you read it?
JACKIE:
Since I decided to keep up with interesting things going on in the world.
She disappears back behind her paper.
Kelso's eyes dart back and forth; he's not used to this from Jackie. He snatches one of the other sections from the table and struggles to get it open and propped up before him in imitation of her.
KELSO:
Well, here's something interesting – Snoopy is playing in a tennis tournament.
Jackie lets out a long breath, refusing to meet Kelso's stare and smirk.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
The next morning. Kitty is at the stovetop in her somewhat untidy nurse's uniform, hastily putting together breakfast plates – one with eggs and bacon, one with eggs and pancakes, and one with egg whites and lean ham.
Hyde enters through the patio door in his half-open chef's jacket, a small pharmacy bag in hand. He drops more than sets it on the counter.
HYDE:
Here's Red's heart medication, Mrs. Forman.
He lets out a big yawn. Kitty presses a cup of coffee into his hands. He nods in appreciation, takes out a wad of bills from his pants pocket, and throws it on the stovetop. Kitty takes it and pockets it.
KITTY:
Thank you, honey. And I'll get this money put into your savings account on my way home.
HYDE:
Mrs. Forman, I've told you I don't need a savings account. Just pay a bill.
Of course, this is the moment when Eric walks in from the living room.
ERIC:
"Pay a bill?"
(to Kitty)
Mom, what does he mean? Is money that tight?
KITTY:
It's nothing.
ERIC:
No, 'cause... I mean, Donna and I are both working, so if you need to take a little out of my college fund -
KITTY:
Listen, both of you – the money in those accounts is for you. Don't worry. We'll be fine.
She takes the pancake plate and passes it to Eric.
KITTY (cont'd):
You just eat your breakfast.
Eric examines his plate.
ERIC:
Chocolate-chip caramel whipped cream pancakes? Mom, you're not gonna bribe me into staying home from school with super sweet breakfast food.
(checks the plate)
And where are the sprinkles?
KITTY:
No, no, the pancakes are an apology. I overreacted before. Of course, you have to go to school.
ERIC:
So... that's it? No guilt?
KITTY:
That's right. Now, I'm late for work.
(to Hyde)
I'll pick up the dry cleaning and drop off the packages at the post office. You make sure Red eats his breakfast, and only his breakfast – egg whites and heart-healthy ham. Oh, and remember you promised to give Schatzi his bath.
She pats Hyde's cheek and hurries out the door.
Hyde looks down at the plate meant for Red, pointedly avoiding Eric's smirk.
ERIC:
Now you're bathing our wiener dog?
HYDE:
(beat)
He keeps coming down to the basement. His fur-stink's become incriminating evidence.
Red enters from the living room. Eric crosses to the kitchen table as Hyde presses Red's breakfast into his hands.
HYDE (cont'd):
Here you go, Red.
Red looks down at his meal.
RED:
Where's the yellow part of these eggs? That's the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat.
Hyde crosses his arms and shakes his head, while Eric chuckles and digs into his breakfast.
CUT TO:
INT. HUB – DAY
On a slow afternoon, Donna and Jackie enjoy lunch at a center table.
DONNA:
Wow, Jackie. You've really been showing Kelso the cold shoulder.
JACKIE:
Well, he deserves it. I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he's been after me the whole time.
DONNA:
I guess that means you choose Hyde.
JACKIE:
No! I told him I needed the summer to think things over, and he hasn't spoken to me that whole time! I am so over them both.
Kelso enters, still in his police shirt and jacket. He strolls over to the girls' table, grabs at the badge logo printed on his shirt, and stretches it out as if it were a real badge.
KELSO:
Ladies. You have the right to remain foxy.
Donna shakes her head. Jackie rolls her eyes, stands, and pushes past Kelso on her way out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
That night. Donna and Eric sit close on the couch, going through college materials.
ERIC:
Oh, my God, Donna. Madison has a course called "The Social Significance of Jedi Culture."
He makes a show of gaping in delight as Donna rolls her eyes.
Kitty, still in nurse's uniform, comes down the stairs with an entry laundry basket. She crosses to the dryer and begins unloading it.
ERIC (cont'd):
Mom, why are you doing laundry? It's almost midnight.
KITTY:
Well, with the double shift, this is the only time I have to do it.
Eric sighs. He sets down the brochure and stands.
ERIC:
Okay, don't do this.
KITTY:
Do what?
ERIC:
Come down here in the middle of the night, doing laundry, looking like hell -
KITTY:
Oh, excuse me!
ERIC:
No, I – I'm just saying, you're trying to make me feel guilty for not leaving, and it's not gonna work. I can't stay here, okay? I have to go off and live my life. I deserve that! Mom, I deserve a chance!
KITTY:
Okay, okay. No need to use your squeaky voice. I understand that you have to leave. I have bigger things to worry about than making you feel guilty.
She gathers up the laundry and heads back up the stairs.
Donna looks up at Eric, who looks after his mom.
DONNA:
Eric, if you feel like you need to stay... I mean, we can talk about -
ERIC:
No! No.
He sits back down.
ERIC (cont'd):
We're leaving next week and that's final.
DONNA:
Okay.
They no sooner turn back to the brochure than the basement door opens and Red steps in, wearing pajamas and bathrobe. He has a plate in his hands, with toast that he dips into very runny egg yolks.
RED:
(to Eric)
Yeah. It's egg yolks. And I don't care if you tell your mother. She doesn't scare me.
KITTY (v.o.):
Eric, I almost forgot...
Red tosses the toast aside, drops the plate, and high tails it back up the outside stairwell.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
The next day. The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti house. Kelso strolls up to Donna and Jackie's bedroom door. He's about to knock when he notices the sounds coming from inside – "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin, and sniffling. Quietly, he opens the door, and we cut to:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kelso finds Jackie curled up on the end of her cot. Her arms and legs are wrapped around a pillow stuffed inside a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt, and a tissue is in her hands. Tears are in her eyes.
Kelso slowly crosses over to Donna's bed. He points to the record player.
KELSO:
That's Zeppelin.
(points to pillow)
That's a Zeppelin shirt. That's Hyde's Zeppelin shirt, his favorite one. I know 'cause one time I tried to use it to clean out a paintbrush. He kicked my ass, stole my shirt, and made me use it instead.
A fresh sob wells up from Jackie's throat. She turns around so her back is to Kelso.
KELSO (cont'd):
You still love him, don't you? There was never really a choice, was there?
JACKIE:
What do you want, Michael?
KELSO:
(beat)
Nothing. Look, Jackie...
(sits)
I know I've been with a lot of girls, but you're the only real serious girlfriend I've ever had, and you'll always be special to me. When I found out you and Hyde were together, I couldn't believe I'd really lost you for good. And all I could think about was getting you back. But seeing you this summer... I mean, after being with Hyde, and then on your own, you've changed. You're more thoughtful, more well-read – I think you've become a complicated woman. And I don't want none of that.
Jackie turns around just enough to glare at Kelso.
KELSO (cont'd):
But I think Hyde still does. And you obviously want him. And you should, because you two were good for each other. Not like us. So... so you don't have to worry about me chasing you anymore.
Jackie turns all the way around.
JACKIE:
Michael, do you mean that?
KELSO:
Yeah. I release you.
He holds his hands out in front of him and mimes a bird's wings flapping.
KELSO (cont'd):
Fly, little bird. Fly, fly away!
He spreads his hands out, looks up, and makes a noise that sounds something like an object getting caught in a ceiling fan.
KELSO (cont'd):
(to Jackie)
That was you.
Jackie offers a weak chuckle and dabs at her eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
Later that night. Eric and Donna are on the couch again, watching TV. The basement door flies open and Hyde staggers in. His clothes are dirty and torn, there are bite marks on his arm and claw scrapes on his shirt, and Schatzi shakes in his arms.
Eric and Donna both stand.
DONNA:
What the hell happened?
HYDE:
I was taking Schatzi for a walk, and we got to the corner, and you know the Anderson house there, with the Great Dane? He got out of the yard.
ERIC:
Oh, my God. He went for Schatzi?
HYDE:
No, he went for me. Schatzi bit the bastard in the groin and then tore his ear and sent him running. It was so badass.
Hyde sets Schatzi down. He struggles to stand back up straight.
ERIC:
Man, are you okay?
HYDE:
I'm fine. I've gotta get ready for my shift, but before that, I need to find that doggie thyroid crap for your little wiener dog.
DONNA:
What is with you and animals now? When did you get so knowledgeable on pet care?
HYDE:
I got roped into helping with the cat when me and Jackie were...
He trails off; he can't finish the thought. He drops down into the lawn chair and stairs blankly down at the coffee table.
DONNA:
You're not over her, are you?
Hyde doesn't answer.
ERIC:
You still love her, don't you?
(to Donna)
Look at him. So choked up he can't even speak.
Hyde's throat pulses. He tugs at the top of his T-shirt.
DONNA:
More like he can't even swallow.
Hyde points to her, "bingo."
DONNA (cont'd):
Okay... Hyde, we'll take care of Schatzi's thyroid. Why don't you go take care of the rabies shot?
Hyde points again, nods, and scrambles to his feet and back out the door.
He's no sooner gone than Kitty comes downstairs with another empty laundry basket. She goes straight to the dryer and unloads it.
ERIC:
Mom, you're still behind on laundry?
KITTY:
Oh, I sat down just to rest my feet for a few minutes when I got home and – and before you know it, I...
(checks watch)
Oh, God, I'm late for work.
ERIC:
You're working tonight?
(points to door)
Hyde's working tonight? You both worked during the day.
KITTY:
Well, honey, nights can be our busiest time. Steven makes people a big, salty dinner, and then they come my way.
(laughs)
Now, there's food in the... oh, who am I kidding? There's no food!
She hands Eric the laundry basket and scrambles back up the stairs.
Eric walks over to the deep freeze. He sets the laundry down on it, leans against the basket. He whirls around to face Donna.
ERIC:
They can't do this to me. They cannot do this to me. I gotta get out of here. Of all the people in the history of the world that have ever had to get anywhere, it is me having to get the hell out of here! I have to go!
(beat)
I have to stay.
He drops down onto the couch.
ERIC (cont'd):
Donna, I'm sorry.
Donna sits next to him.
DONNA:
Sorry? Eric, I think it's amazing that you'd do that for your family.
They kiss.
DONNA (cont'd):
And, you know, we'll see each other on weekends.
ERIC:
Oh, so you're still going?
DONNA:
Well... yeah, I mean... yeah.
ERIC:
Yeah. No. Of course.
DONNA:
Oh, come on. I think I know something that might make you feel better.
She leans in to kiss him again. Before she can get things going, though, Eric puts a hand on her knee.
ERIC:
Hey, um... can we just, like... could we just sit for a while?
DONNA:
Yeah, sure.
She scoots in closer to him. He moves his hand up to her arm, and puts his other arm around her shoulders. They lean their heads against each other and look down at their college brochures on the coffee table.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
EXT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT
Another night. Eric and Donna descend the stairwell. They pause when they hear "Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me" by Mac Davis coming from behind the door.
ERIC:
Uh-oh. Country. Hyde's sad music.
Hesitating, Donna opens the door. A wall of smoke rushes out to meet them, as we cut to:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
Eric and Donna step into a basement full of diffuse smoke. Hyde sits in his chair with Schatzi in his arms. He's cackling like a loon, slapping at his knee and swaying in his seat. Snacks of all kinds litter the coffee table.
HYDE:
(through laughter)
Hey, Forman!
He waves. Eric and Donna give reluctant waves back.
ERIC:
So, Hyde... how's it going, buddy?
HYDE:
(laughing)
I'm freakin' miserable, man!
A fresh wave of laughter comes on as he swipes a piece of salami from the coffee table and holds it up for Schatzi.
END.