Chapter 20
Soo-ling bites his lips. He suddenly realizes tears are rolling down his face. He can't say any more, but he knows what he was going to say.
'It's because I love you.'
He keeps gulping; he feels he will burst out crying any moment. He presses his face to his knees and put his arms around his head. Why is it that one realizes how important something was only after losing it? If he'd known what he's just understood - if he'd analyzed that feeling properly, instead of floating on euphoria and excitement - then he would've known he had to do everything to keep his place here. Like he's just said, Yue-lung is the most important man to him; he would be perfectly okay with just staying beside him, as long as possible. Now he feels like the sun went out and the eternal darkness fell. He lost that battle because he didn't even notice when it started.
The room behind his back is silent, not a single sound coming out of it. That deep silence is a cruel answer that forces him to get up and leave, like he promised. He doesn't want to scare Yue-lung more he already did. When he recalls Yue-lung's expression - shock and terror reflecting in his wide eyes, black in nearly white face - his chest clenches with pain and he's certain that image will haunt him until the end of his days. He betrayed Yue-lung's trust, despite being the only person who's ever gained it. He feels like crying again.
Why did it have to happen?
He remembers the scene in the dining-room... and it becomes clear to him that it was arranged. Suddenly, he's furious, anger burning away sorrow and grief. He presses his lips in a thin line, quickly wipes his eyes and heads for Blanca's rooms, almost running. He dashes inside without knocking, then approaches the bodyguard without a word and punches him in the face, as hard as he can, though it doesn't make him feel any better.
"You deserved this!" he says, trying to control his voice. He realizes new tears fill his eyes and he's still close to crying. "As neither he nor I deserved that!"
Then he storms out of this room, of this house, outside, into the spring evening, sniffing and wondering what will he do with his life.
Yue-lung doesn't leave his room tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. From the stage of despairing over his own lot, Soo-ling soon moves to the stage of anxiety. Yet, he doesn't intend to come anywhere near his bedroom; he's not even going upstairs. He must leave it to the servants, who made sure the young master is alive. He wonders how long he can stay here. He should leave, move out as soon as possible... but he just can't do it, so he postpones the decision until later, hoping that Yue-lung will see him, just one last time.
He misses Yue-lung so much it's painful; he's under the impression this load crushing his chest is never going to lift up. The hair treatment is a thing of a past, but he would like to just see him again. He can't imagine leaving here without a single glance at his face... he can't believe that everything is definitely over and Sing Soo-ling was written off from Lee Yue-lung's life. It would be... too cruel, too hard to bear.
He can't remember the last time he felt so helpless... finding himself in a situation without a way out and praying for a miracle. Yet, there's been enough miracles in his life already to expect one more. The whole last year has been his most marvelous time. He's grown as a man, achieved things that had been beyond his grasp before, formed an amazing bond. Has experienced how his presence was essential to somebody else's life. Has fallen in love for the first time...
Was it ironic that not only he became necessary to Yue-lung, but also Yue-lung became necessary to him? Will he always berate himself for spoiling it...?
On the third day, when he's becoming more and more convinced he has nothing to do here, a miracle happens. For two days, Yue-lung wasn't there, and then he appears the third morning. He stands in the door of the room Soo-ling moved in. He's pale and looks tired, but he doesn't seem to have spent two days in bed - or he's just decided to get up today and return to life. His hair is washed and tied on the nape of his neck - the days when Soo-ling used to look after it seem completely unreal now, as if they'd happen in another world - and his clothes are fresh. He's standing in the door and looking at him in silence. His gaze is focused, his expression serious, but there's no terror in it.
Soo-ling is only looking back, convinced it's just a dream. Yet that surge of emotion coming on him is perfectly real. He's filled with joy and despair, and he feels like laughing and crying at the same time. He's happy to see him and scared that it's the final time. His hands begin to tremble, he bites his lips and looks away, then looks at him again, wiping his eyes and feeling the most miserable man in the world. And he knows he wouldn't give this moment for anything because he loves Yue-lung with all his heart and is happy just because of his presence here.
Finally, Yue-lung enters the room and closes the door behind, then approaches the coach to sit down next to him. Again, Soo-ling starts to doubt it's really happening. Yue-lung is sitting right by him, his back is straight and his eyes fixed ahead. Soo-ling turns to him... and then move backwards, to the end of the coach, because, despite all promises, he can't trust himself while he knows he must control himself now. Yue-lung's eyelashes quiver in a blink, but he still won't turn his head and Soo-ling is looking at his perfect profile.
"I thought it over," Yue-lung speaks in a quiet voice, then gulps and blinks a few times again. "Sing, I don't want you to leave. I can't manage without you. I can't imagine my life without you. I thought it over," he repeats. "You did nothing wrong, and I... I'm not scared of you. I have no reason to fear you. So don't leave," he asks in a whisper.
Soo-ling listens and doesn't believe what he's hearing, as suddenly he has the impression Yue-lung could as well confess his love. Once more, he feels it's just a beautiful dream that will end any moment, especially when Yue-lung continues. "And if you really want me then... then I don't mind," he says. "I'm not scared of you and... and I trust you. So we can do it." And then he moves his hand in his direction and finally turns his head to look at him, very shyly.
Soo-ling feels he's floating in some strange space, detached from the world he's been familiar with. He can't think clearly; he can barely process the words he's heard. Yue-lung is giving him his permission... invitation... and it sets him aflame at once, fire consuming all reason and promises, leaving only desire, and his greatest desire is to take Yue-lung in his arms, like he dreamt of it for weeks, to erase the distance and get them as close as possible. And when he finally holds him - pressing that lean body to his own, inhaling the scent of his skin and touching his hair with his lips - he has once more that incredible feeling he was born only for that.
It takes him a while to understand something is wrong. And though it requires all his strength, he leans back to look at Yue-lung's face... and when he does, he's filled with despair and can only moan, "But you're not even here...!"
Yue-lung has no memory of what his tormentors used to do to him. The first time - the first rape - was so traumatic he pushed it out of his mind and then, every next time, he would retreat deep inside himself, detach from his body and soul in order to not feel or think. It was like being off, asleep, dead. Pain, sense of being violated, and touch of other hands - he could remember them but only vaguely, as they were dulled, almost concerning someone else. It wasn't any conscious behavior only automatic reaction of his psyche and body, triggered by lust driven touch... the only rescue from the torture he couldn't really escape. It wasn't before everything was over - when no-one touched him any longer and he was on his own again - that he could return to himself and reality.
It happens now, too; he feels nothing disturbs his inviolacy anymore, so he goes back to the present, to the situation he excluded himself from. He can see and hear again, and is in control of his body. He looks around and see Sing, who is sitting at the end of the coach with his legs up, his face pressed to his knees and arms put around. Judging from the state of things, nothing happened. Why...?
He becomes scared. "Sing...?" he asks in hesitation and then gulps. "Sing, don't reject me..." he whispers as his throat is clenching. "Don't leave me...!"
Sing hunches even more, his fingers clutching at the fabric of his jeans. "You really think I could do something like that...?" he utters.
"But that's what you wanted," Yue-lung says, feeling miserable. "And I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. I want... So if I can give you something... It's all right. I don't mind it..."
"You got it all wrong again!" Sing says in a strangled voice, lifting his head; his eyes are full of tears. "It's exactly like the last year. I said that I don't want you to sacrifice yourself... to treat yourself like a thing... a transaction."
"It's not that, Sing...!" Yue-lung protests. "I really want... I really don't mind you. I want that it is you. "
Sing stares at him for a longer while, blinking. "But you hate it," he says in the end. "You hate it so much that... It's like you've left this place altogether...!"
"Don't let it bother you. Just do what you want with me, I don't even-"
Now Sing seems offended. "How could I not be bothered by that?! It's like... like raping you in sleep...!" he calls. "Do you really think I'd like that?! I want... I want us both... It can't be a one-sided pleasure...!"
Yue-lung says nothing. He hunches with his eyes fixed on the floor. The idea of having pleasure from sex is a total abstract, something unimaginable to him. Yet, he's aware that his body can give that kind of pleasure to others... to Sing, and that's what he really wants because Sing wants it and if he doesn't get it...
"Are you going to leave?" he asks in a dull voice and is amazed he was brave enough to ask. Maybe he's already tired of things not being clear... especially that usually it was him to blame for that.
Sing, however, answers at once, "I'm not...!" and there's some panic to his words.
Yue-lung drives away the sudden feeling of relief as nothing is certain yet. "It will be difficult for you," he says. "Of course, my offer is still va-"
"I won't do it," Sing interrupts him. "Forget about it. I won't have... sex with you in this situation. It's out of question."
"Why?" Yue-lung asks involuntarily, glancing at him.
Sing averts his eyes. "'Cause it's not really about sex," he mutters.
"Why?" Yue-lung asks once more.
Sing hunches. "'Cause I just want to stay with you," he says, pulling his head in his shoulders. "You're the most important person to me," he adds in a hoarse voice.
Yue-lung feels his heart accelerate. "Why...?" he asks in a whisper, unable to speak aloud, but he knows he must ask because he's never want to know something more that this.
Sing turns his head to look at him, his gaze hesitating, anxious and uncertain at first... but then all doubt vanishes from his eyes, and he suddenly appears older and mature, and much stronger he seemed just a moment ago.
"'Cause I love you."
Yue-lung blinks, realizing he is surprised, after all. He did wonder about it many times - putting Sing together with 'someone to love him', mentioned by Blanca - but it's a different thing to have it said aloud. So he's amazed that Sing could say it... could feel it... could say it and feel it for him. He wouldn't believe it as he doesn't deserve it... he wouldn't believe it if he didn't know that Sing is capable of loving. And that's why he doesn't ask why.
"Is that something to cry about?" he hears Sing's voice and realizes he can't see clearly because his eyes are full of tears indeed.
"I can't help being a weak crybaby," he replies, shocking himself, and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.
"It sounds familiar," Sing mutters, averting his eyes. "You won't tell me to get away now?"
Yue-lung shakes his head and sniffs. "No," he utters. "Sing, but I... I can't..."
Sing stares at him again, his gaze resolved, although he seems to be holding back his emotion himself. He moves to the edge of the coach and puts his legs down on the floor. "Not another word," he says flatly; he could as well point a finger at Yue-lung. "Now that everything is clear, I won't tolerate any doubts. You said you don't want me to leave, so don't expect me to. I'm going to stay with you no matter what... as long as you wish... maybe even longer. You can't chase me away, so don't even try. I promise I won't hurt you, and I won't let anybody hurt you. And one day..." He lowers his head, and his hands clench at the fabric of his jeans. When he resumes talking, his words are quiet and trembling, "One day we'll do something about your problem. I'm going to make sure that... that you'll enjoy it as well."
And Yue-lung stares at him in silence... to only nod in the end. "All right," he says.
Right now, he's able to fully believe him.