Kanan was plagued with dreams that night. Strange dreams of light and dark, but one in particular kept coming back.
He was at Malachor again, though in his mind he wondered why he'd ever return. It was dark inside the temple, and he couldn't see through the darkness.
He remembered Hera's frantic voice, pleading him about coming back. And something else...but he couldn't remember.
Kanan could see Vader's outline from the light of his blood red lightsaber, and from Kanan's blue one. There were arguments lost in translation. And then they fought, and Kanan could sense so much darkness. He had to wake up.
I hate you, he heard himself say. I will kill you!
Kanan woke up breathing heavily in a pool of sweat. He needed to talk to Ezra, but he needed to step lightly. He was concerned of the dark side usage channeled through the young boy yesterday, and all Kanan could think to do was give his Padawan the benefit of the doubt. The last time he didn't, it pushed his Padawan away, far away.
But first, Kanan had something important to do.
When he'd lost his vision, he'd let himself go. His beard was unkempt and his hair needed a desperate trim. He fixed it quickly, restoring his hair to it's former glory. He shaved his beard down to the chin patch he had before, and cut his hair as well. Just as he was finishing up, he heard a knock on the door.
"Kanan, it's me, Hera. Can I come in?"
"Yeah, come in." He said, watching as his door slid open. Hera smiled at him, taking her hand to his face and caressing his cheek.
"New look, love?" She asked with a smile. Kanan smiled back.
"More like the return of an old one. It was way overdue. I have to say, I've missed looking at your beautiful face every morning." Hera nestled her head under his chin, and he pulled her into a long hug. He pulled away eventually, she'd come in for a reason.
"What's going on this morning?" Kanan asked, clipping his lightsaber to his belt. He'd pulled out his old armor, which it wasn't hard to admit he missed. He really felt like himself again, and he'd never felt better. Besides the strange dreams.
"Nothing much, Ezra's not awake yet. Zeb took him to the infirmiry last night so the doctors could check on him, and he's still there."
"I'll go to him." Kanan said quickly. "I want to be there when he wakes up."
"Alright." Hera said smiling.
"I'll see you later," Kanan said, giving another quick hug to Hera, and they walked out of his room together.
Kanan had been pulled in twenty different directions all morning; congratulations and questions and murmurs came from everywhere. It was hard to keep track of. He couldn't help but wonder if this was how Ezra felt when he had fully come back. He had to admit, he didn't like it much. He felt like a creature in a cage. People were staring and whispering, but he wouldn't give up his vision to spare the judgement. Just how he was sure Ezra wouldn't choose death over the awkwardness. Right?
His thoughts kept bringing him back to Ezra, and he couldn't help but feel guilt when it took him hours to find his way to the infirmary. Ezra was still asleep, he had been for nearly fifteen hours. He was worried, and it probably wasn't good for him. He thought he'd been done worrying for a long time. He supposed he was wrong.
...
Kanan had had all day to think about what to say to Ezra. It'd been twenty-six hours and he still hadn't woken. But Kanan wouldn't leave Ezra's side, he had to be there when the boy woke. He'd taken the day to look around the room, to really look at it.
It was a standard medical room of Chopper Base, but Kanan hadn't seen one before. The only time he'd ever needed it was after he lost his sight. It was a plain room with cream colored walls and a steel floor with a small bed and medical equipment. It wasn't very pretty, but if you were staying in the medbay luxuries weren't in mind. Kanan had spent weeks in this room, and never really known how plain it was. It wasn't disappointing, just not what he expected.
It was easier to fall asleep when Kanan was blind, there really wasn't much to distract him. Nothing really to focus on and keep him awake. Now Kanan couldn't bring himself to sleep. He wanted to see everything, and he couldn't ignore the underlying fear he'd wake up to darkness again.
Kanan had been in the infirmary all day, and nothing had changed about Ezra. A doctor had said something about exhaustion, and Kanan couldn't refute him. It'd been some time since the kid had gotten a good nights sleep. Kanan refused to leave Ezra's side that night, in hope Ezra would wake and see his master sitting there, looking forward to seeing him. The chairs weren't any more comfortable now that he could see them, but he'd settle. He'd do anything for Ezra.
Ezra was floating through a dark abyss, a place he'd never been before. All the times he was asleep in visions or on death's door, he'd never dreamed of anywhere quite like this place. It wasn't just black and blue, it was dark. He squirmed as chills ran through his bones: the dark side, he realized. Voices filled his head that he didn't recognize, voices of evil and hatred and fear. A fear, Ezra realized, that revolved around himself. All the cold, chilly voices in his head were persuading him to stay, join them, and hold the hatred in his heart close. He was sick of it: being attached by the dark side in his dreams and visions when he was weak and vulnerable. A voice oddly familiar whispered in his ear constantly, saying things like 'the dark side through you restored Kanan's vision' and 'the dark side is your friend'. It was wearing him down, and the weaker Ezra got the more persistent the voices became.
He was still just floating in a sense of nothingness and he wondered if this was death? This was new, but familiar, and he'd been on deaths door a great number of times. And if this wasn't death, he was definitely lingering at the door. It made since to him that it was death, everything was dark and cold. Even in his worst times Kanan always made an effort to reach out to him through the force. Today Ezra could feel nothing, just darkness. He couldn't sense Kanan's light, or his hope. That meant one of a few things. Either he was dead, Kanan was dead, Kanan didn't care, Kanan was evil... Ezra didn't want to think about it anymore. There were a slew of possibilities, and Ezra didn't like any of them. The best he could hope for in this situation was death, and he accepted it.
Not one second later a strange, red light appeared ahead of him and his surroundings started to take shape. An all too familiar landscape spread through his vision as he touched down onto rock. A shiver ran through his body again and he wrapped his arms around himself. Looking around, he quickly realized he was on Malachor again. It was dark, only lit by two lightsabers, a blue and a red. Fear spread through his veins as he looked upon the scene before him. It was Darth Vader, in the flesh and fighting Kanan with passion and boredom. Anger caught Ezra as he clenched his fist, reaching for Kanan through the force. The fight paused, then, and Kanan and Vader circled each other.
"Are you done with your little pep talk, Jedi? I wouldn't bother, because you are not leaving here alive." Vader's voice was cool and Ezra reached for Kanan once again. He couldn't sense the light, or the hope, or anything that made Kanan Kanan.
"Kanan?" The sweet voice of Hera came from Kanan's communicator and Ezra couldn't sense the love and desire Kanan usually felt whenever he was with Hera. Her voice always lit his heart, but something was different, now. "Kanan, don't do this. It's not your fault, please, think, be reasonable. There isn't anything you could have done to prevent his death." Hera seemed frantic as she pleaded with Kanan. Whose death was she referring to? Surely it wasn't Ezra's. Was this is future? Was this a future force vision? "Kanan, I love you don't leave me."
Vader ignites his saber, ready to fight. Kanan was out of time, and he needed to go back to Hera. Ezra's screams went unheard as he pleaded with Kanan not to do it, it wasn't worth it.
"It was my fault." Kanan said, words Ezra could never get away from. "I could have saved him if I was a better master. I could have saved him..."
Don't do this, Ezra muttered. Please Kanan don't do this. Ezra attempted to run to his master, or possibly former master if he really was dead. Each step seemed to take him further, though, and the scene slowly began to dissipate. Tears pricked Ezra's eyes. Was this a warning? If Ezra gave up and succumbed to death was this the future? Ezra could sense a bit of hesitation and confusion in the force. But the small uncertainty was dismissing quickly.
Kanan was quickly changed, hate taking charge of everything. It was scary, to see his master, the epitome of light in Ezra's eyes, relishing in darkness. This was the end, Ezra decided, as he saw a small smirk begin to spread on Kanan's face. It was quickly morphed into anger, a strong hate. The air was as cold as the core of the iciest planet in the galaxy and Ezra shook his head vigorously. He refused to believe this was the future. This was a synthetic memory, a fake vision. It was put there by the dark side, by his own insecurities.
Kanan charged, his lightsaber ready to swing. Ezra couldn't watch as Vader stood ready, an air of arrogance thick around him. He loved this, the dark side destroying the purity of a Jedi, a master of the light side. Ezra reaches for his master, full out of his grasp, and screamed until his voice was numb. The world slowed and time moved like molasses as Kanan approached Vader, his next words echoing in Ezra's ears.
"I hate you! You killed him! You killed Ezra! And for that I will kill you!"
...
"My gosh, Kanan, wake up. Please, wake up! Kanan!" Shouting brought Kanan quickly to his feet. He looked around to see Hera, her face contorted with fear and worry, staring at him. He looked around quickly; he was still in Ezra's room, he must've fallen asleep.
"Hera, what is it? What's wrong?" Kanan took Hera gently by the shoulders as she stared at him.
"Ezra." Was all she said and Kanan turned quickly to face the bed where his apprentice lay. There was still so signature he could grasp at, but something was new. He was moving, making noise. Steady tears were streaming from his face. He was crying.
"What happened to him?" Kanan asked, taking his padawan's cold, limo hand.
"I don't know. I was walking past and heard something. I thought Ezra may have woken up, but he was asleep. And crying, Kanan, he's crying. And he was murmuring about how it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't worth it. He was telling you to stop, Kanan." Hera had become frantic and Kanan put his arms around her, resting his chin on the top of her head. Hera was one of the strongest women he knew, and seeing her so upset was worrisome. He evaluated what Hera had said, and it all seemed eerily familiar. Was it possible he was having the same vision Kanan had the previous night? He wasn't sure, all he did know was that Ezra needed to wake up. Now.