AN: Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? First off, I just want to apologize for being absolutely terrible in writing the slowest of slow burns and not even finishing it. Life and work and all those unfun things got in the way, and once BTVS and Angel left Netflix, I found it a lot harder to remind myself of the source material. And also, lmao, I don't know if any of you have noticed but this thing is long as hell, and rereading it is something quite painful. It desperately needs to be rewritten, but with a full time job, trying to write an original book and all the other things, no time soon can I see myself rewriting this huge thing. Not even with the quarantine, being one of those 'essential workers' qqqq. But as it so happens, I did have three finished (but definitely not edited, sorry) chapters that I never posted. They don't exactly provide any more closure, but it's around 16'000k, so here's what I thought I would do. Once a week, on Friday, until I have none of those chapters left, I will post. When I'm on the last, (chapter 23), if there is at least five of you after all this time still wanting (and deserving, honestly, all of you deserved a good happy after reading so so so much), I was one arc away from there finally being some happy moments, and good old romance, and I will do my very best to get through and get it there. It won't be great, my memory is not wonderful, but I will try. I read every single one of your reviews, and they mean so much to me. Let me know what you all think, thank you for your patience. And here, after a heck of a long time, is chapter 21.

21

It wasn't the exhaustion that weighed on her; it was the disorientation. Magic was a world she didn't much care for, and it was bewildering She'd take a good fight any day, one that was built on brawn and speed, not magic tricks. She followed after Spike listlessly, seeing that there were two shadows behind them as well. Nothing surprising about it, and she couldn't conjure resentment about it if she still deserved to have someone watching, and she hadn't expected them to trust her again so soon. It was just one little step, that was all.

She was a bit disappointed she couldn't stay for longer and speak to Willow. She had a selfish desire to explain herself, not that there was any way to absolve herself of what had happened. Still, she wished she could be the one to say it, and not Buffy. Jade shuddered at the thought. Who knew how it would sound coming from the blonde Slayer, who never had a great love for Jade, even before she destroyed their base and killed her Slayers. Still, maybe it was best. A sugarcoated version wouldn't help anyone. And it wouldn't be true.

There was an itch on her forehead that she couldn't scratch, not while these shackles were on her wrists, but she stifled her annoyance. If Spike noticed, well, he'd just scratch it for her, wouldn't he? He was pragmatic like that. Wasn't for boundaries as much. And normally, it'd leave her embarrassed, with a pleasant twist in her stomach, warm and feeling of butterflies. But now, now she didn't want him being nice to her. She didn't think she could stand it.

The room wasn't far, and he led her in, as she expected he would. The Slayers at their back stayed out in the corridor, just leaving the two of them.

"So what went on in there?" Spike broke the silence first. "Looked a bit boring on the outside."

She nodded. She imagined it would have. What happened? Well… she frowned. She wasn't quite sure. The first parts were vivid enough, forest, wolf, gold halls, big library, finding Willow. But she couldn't remember the details, or what had been said. She sighed. Such was the obscurity of magic, she supposed.

"Kind of blurred together," Jade admitted aloud. "Like a dream."

"Fair 'nuf," Spike answered back. His blue gaze was unreadable as he looked back at her. "Turn 'round, I'll get those cuffs off."

She turned on her heel, her Slayer senses telling her that he was behind her, heard too the scraping of metal on metal. His fingers brushed against hers briefly and gently as he twisted the key in and pulled the unlocked manacles from her wrist, letting them drop to the floor and kicking them away with some distaste. Jade eyed the metal chains with less disdain than he did.

"It made them feel safer," She said.

"They've no bloody right to treat you like a prisoner."

She bit her lip to hide her frustration, moving past him so that she didn't have to meet his gaze. She approached her table, pulling one of the jars from it that still had blood. She wasn't quite sure how long she'd been out, and she was hungry. It was a bit easier now that she'd started to get used to it, and the full memory of how good the blood had tasted wasn't so fresh. But the hunger remained, one that couldn't be easily combatted by substitute monkey blood, but she had no other choice but to manage.

"Yeah they do," She said, sitting down into a chair, but far from relaxed. He scoffed in reply, a harsh, sardonic sound.

"Still feeling sorry for yourself?" Spike's voice was rough, his anger redirected towards her instead.

She felt her own indignation flare in response. "Yes. I am, actually. Did you have a time limit for me to get over it? Are my days of grace over?"

"I could give you a thousand bloody days of grace, wouldn't do a bloody thing." Spike snapped back, his eyes burning in the darkness. "I know you. Bloody hell, you should be proud as the sodding sun. Kennedy tried to bring Willow back, an' couldn't. Put you on, and look. Sodding job well done."

"It was Sophie." Jade answered back, but she said it quietly, knowing her answer was just an excuse to him.

He scoffed again. "Piffle. She's barely older than a sodding toddler. She did it 'cause you were with her. An' I know you. You won't even give yourself a pat on the back, just retreat into your sodding cage until the next time they call you out 'cause that's all you think you're good for. Bloody on-call vampire."

There was one blessing for him yelling at her. It made it harder for her to see him as he had been, a helpless, pinned victim completely in her hands. No, now he was acting like an asshole now, but that was his normal setting. A brusque, blunt talker that didn't care much for tact. Or for making her feel better. And it was a relief. A relief to be angry and not guilty.

"What would you like me to do, then?" Jade snapped. "Refuse them every time they ask for help? Because I was trying to turn it down and you convinced me otherwise."

"Just bloody let them know that you're not in their sodding debt. That you're not going to crawl and beg for bloody atonement because you deserve better than that."

"We've had this fight three goddamn times already!" Jade yelled, her hand slamming down on the table. It splintered and collapsed, the jars tumbling to the floor. Most of them were empty, and only a few broke. "It goes the same way."

"Yeah, with you askin' me to leave since you can't bear to see my face. Well, heads bloody up, I'm not leaving this time. I'm done giving you time to sulk by your lonesome."

"How gentlemanly of you," Jade replied, her voice laden with sarcasm.

"Knock it bloody off. Quit hating yourself for what you had no sodding control over and—"

"What? Get over myself? Is that what you want? Is that what you're hoping for? Jade. Just get back to normal already. Just deal with it." Jade mocked his voice but slaughtered the accent. "I know. You're tired of this charade, well it's not a fucking charade. You expect me to reset? To just go back to what I was? Well I can't. It's not like that. It's not a oh, hit this button and you'll get over the deaths of children that you caused, thank you for your business."

"There is no getting back to normal," She continued, angry at the tears in her eyes. "Nothing but this, a room where I can't hurt anyone or have to see anyone, and I like it. I like it because I hate it. Just sitting here. But it's a fitting punishment, don't you think?"

"There are other bloody things you could be doing. Not that I give much stock in bloody Peaches' redemption program, s'better for you than just sitting here, filled with misery. We can go anywhere, you an' me. Find some big bads to fight. The hero trip isn't my shtick, but it's yours. Could go find a city, like in those sodding comics you like. You could be like that Spider—Spiderman you like. Going out and savin' people. You'd like that. Might sodding help."

"I'm not breaking out of here to play at hero."

"Then bloody tell Buffy that's what you want, freedom. She knows there's only so much she can do to keep you, even wit' Red being back. If you resisted instead of giving in, she'd realise that quicker. Let you go out and bloody do something."

"They're the ones I wronged, Spike. If they want me to sit in a damn cage, then I'll sit in a cage. It's not like I have to worry about rotting. Already dead, remember?"

"You need to be out doing something. Helping people to soothe your bleeding heart. Not sitting here. Just making it worse."

"Do you know what makes it worse?" Jade shouted, jumping to her feet and reaching Spike in one stride. "Of all the things that I did. The children, demons even, Slayers that I slaughtered. Hurting you. It was a nightmare come true. The thing that I feared more than anything, it happened. I lost my soul. And it's still hanging around my neck, for anyone to take. Oh, I'm sure I'll be more careful from now on. But I'm not invincible. It could happen again. For longer than three days this time. And you know what else? The worst part of it?"

"If someone threatened your unlife. Had a stake to you or was torturing you beyond healing and they asked me to take off my soul in order to save you, I would do it. In an instant." Her voice broke, and though Spike's expression was impassive, his jaw taut, there was a shimmer over his blue eyes. "I would give up my soul for you. Knowing what I've done, and what I could do—kill all the children in the world, I don't know, I wouldn't be able to give you up. So much for the good guy, hero 'shtick'. I couldn't sacrifice you. Ever, for this." She pulled her soul out from under her shirt, glowing in the near darkness."And that makes me very dangerous. And that's why I want to stay down here. Where everyone else will be safe." Jade finished then. At some point, her anger had left her, and she just felt shaky and ashamed.

There was a pregnant pause, so empty and stretching it might have swallowed her whole.

"Fine."

It was all he said.

He reached out for her then, but she flinched back. She didn't deserve touch, not after that, so he curled his fingers back towards himself. She found she couldn't look at him. Didn't know what much to say.

"Wouldn't be what I'd do, for bloody sure. But I get it, I s'pose. Still." His hand moved towards her again, and this time fingers alighted on her jaw and drew her gaze back to his. "But you stay down here, I'm stayin' with you. In here, not roaming the halls. That's what I sodding want. And you owe me that much."

It was less owing a debt and more a need for reparations for grievances against him that couldn't be forgotten.

But she nodded. She'd denied him it twice before, but she did have an obligation to him, to try to make up for what she did. If it was even possible. "Okay." She said, and he released her chin. He swept towards the chair where she'd broken the jars and began picking up all the pieces. And she shouldn't have been glad that he'd convinced her to let him stay, but she couldn't help herself. She'd hated turning him away, even more biting than the shame she felt in his presence. But it was decided now, and she couldn't help but feel relieved.

It was a day before there was an outside knock on the door. Jade smelled someone old-earthy, one who spent time with magic and herbs. Willow. She sat up from beneath the blankets strewn over her, where she'd been laying, but not sleeping. Sleep was not an easy thing. Spike was alert as well. He'd brought back blood for them, and a book for himself, although she couldn't see the title of it, he'd been reading in silence for a few hours while she'd tried to sleep. And there was a lot of silence between the two of them.

The rift hadn't healed, even with them in the same room. She hadn't expected it to. Spike had gotten his way, but it still hurt to look at him, hurt to be near and be away at the same time. His alabaster skin only carried a few bruises now, although most were hidden under his long duster. And he still winced when he shuffled in the chair when he thought she wasn't looking. His wrist and ribs were still bothering him, whereas she was getting closer and closer to being fully healed.

Pulling the blankets off, Jade made sure she was clothed. She never much liked wearing pants to bed, although she'd changed that since Spike had stayed in the room with her. Dressed in all black, baggy clothes, and at least it was comfortable for her.

"Come in," Jade called, as if she were the host, and not the houseguest. The door opened, and in came Willow, but with Buffy trailing after her. Jade's enthusiasm died down somewhat. It was one thing to see Willow alone; Jade much wanted to talk to the witch, but it was different with Buffy around.

"Hi," Willow said in a slightly awkward tone. Awkward, but at least not afraid when she looked over at Jade. The witch would have heard the full story by now, of course. Jade tried to hide her regret at that. "Wow, it's dark in here. Lux," She called out casually, and the burning candles brightened considerably, without increasing their flame.

"How are you doing?" Jade asked, and Willow relaxed somewhat, giving her a sincere smile.

"Good. A lot to catch up on, and lots of apologizing to Sophie. I made her cookies." She grinned crookedly. "But she's… she's not upset or anything, which is great. She just missed me. And I missed her too. At least I probably did. Kinda, you know, fuzzy, the whole magical trip thing."

"Same here," Jade admitted. "I was hoping you'd have a better idea. I've forgotten some of it."

"Nope." Willow swung her head regretfully. "And Kennedy doesn't want me astral projecting for a while anyway, so I can't really look into it."

"And me too," Buffy sounded in from behind the witch, though she'd been quiet for the exchange. She glanced at her friend. "Scared me, Will."

Willow blushed. "Again with the sorry. Really." She swiveled back towards Jade. "And thanks," She bobbed her head up and down in one motion. "Sophie said you protected her. And helped her, you know, get to me."

Jade nodded. "Least I could do." And Willow nodded in understanding that was sympathetic. At least the witch wasn't holding the same resentment against her that the other Slayers were, but she'd also slept past that episode. To her it was only a story. Not as cutting as the real thing.

"Willow," Buffy put in again, nodding towards Jade. "You were wanting to say it?"

"Oh. Right," Willow said. "So. We have two things. That have to do with… you know. The whole… soulless thing. The first, well, before the whole getting lost in a library thing, I did have training with my mentor with Aluwyn. I have a way to better protect your soul."

"Bloody terrible timing," Spike muttered. Jade had almost forgotten he was there, with how silent he had been throughout the entire conversation.

"Better late than never?" Willow supplied hopefully.

"What? What is it?" Jade asked, the interruptions painful. If she were still human, her heart would have been beating faster and she would have been holding her breath, rife with anticipation. "Protect it how?"

All she wanted was to not worry about losing it again. That one hurdle she couldn't get over. Why go out and try to do anything redeeming when she could just lose her soul again and undo every good thing she'd ever done? And what she'd shared with Spike was the complete truth. If someone captured him… He was her biggest weakness. More than magic, more than anything. Control her, all they needed was Spike. Not that he was no harmless kitten either, but he was no coward. He didn't stay behind and play it safe, he ran headfirst into everything. And she would run right after him. Always.

"Can you put it in my body, for keeps?" Jade asked. Like Spike. She was jealous of him. The way he'd won his soul meant it was his forever, not caught in a bauble or phased out with one moment of true happiness. And they'd discussed it, of course, when she'd first started unliving as a souled vampire. Going into the desert to face the trials would do no more good for her than it would Angel. They couldn't ask for something they already had. To earn a soul, they'd have to not have one in the first place, and of course Angelus and… 'Nyx' would never choose to go through with it.

Willow's face twisted in a grimace. "Yes, I can, actually. Exactly that. I can put it in your body."

"That's fantastic," Jade murmured. "Willow, that's amazing news."

But Willow still didn't smile back at her, looking hesitant.

"What is it?" Jade asked. "A catch?"

"No. No catch. Not… really? I just mean. When I can put your soul back in your body, I mean. Literally. The whole thing. Your necklace. I can put it… under your skin. So no-one can really grab it off of you."

"Oh." Jade replied, but after a quick thought, she was fine with it. Anything to make her soul harder to be stolen. She only wished it had been done sooner. "That's fine. That's fine. Do it, please."

"It'll hurt," Willow warned her quietly. "I have to move some bones around too. Which is okay, because I don't really have to worry about any of your internal organs, but again with the hurt."

She nodded back as evenly as she could muster. Pain that I deserve, she reminded herself bitterly. "That's fine," She repeated. "Can you do it now?"

"Yup." Willow assured her. She had a bag on her, and she rifled through the contents, picking up a pinch of dry herbs before passing the bag to Buffy to hold. Jade glanced at the Slayer. Buffy's expression was unreadable, not encouraging or condemning, her eyes flickering to Spike. Spike hadn't protested, even when the pain was mentioned, but his jaw was tight.

"You can sit," The witch told her, and Jade did so obediently, sinking down on the edge of the bed as Willow stood over her. She uncorked a small bottle she'd taken from her jeans pocket and smeared it around Jade's neck. She tried not to wince, but she did a little as Willow's warm fingers traipsed on sensitive skin. The necklace was coated as well, all around. Jade held her hair up, a few pieces escaping through her fingers.

Willow looked at her critically, applying one more dab with the ointment before sprinkling the crushed herbs around her. Finally the witch nodded, satisfied. "Okay. Are you ready?"

"Ready." Jade said. She couldn't help but glance towards Spike. Despite all that she had done, the sight of him relaxed her, his cerulean blue gaze matching hers, face impassive, except for a slight distrusting smile. He wasn't the biggest fan of magic, to which she'd normally agree. But magic had given her this soul, and magic would help her keep it.

"I'm just going to a spell so that you can't move, and then the actual spell, okay?" Willow asked, considerate, gentle. Jade nodded, and the witch spoke: "Ligabis."

Jade felt like her arms and her legs stiffened, unmovable. She didn't think to ask why Willow wanted to keep her still, but if there was pain as Willow promised, it was best that she didn't have to worry about lashing out.

The witch leaned in towards her, placing her fingers gently on Jade's shoulders, touching her skin and the chain of the bauble. Jade expected Willow to chant something she wouldn't be able to understand, but Willow didn't say a word, her eyes beginning to glow like twin lanterns.. Willow met Jade's eyes fleetingly, sympathy in her gaze, and then Jade felt like her skin was being flayed off. She couldn't see well, not from her vantage point, her chin pressed nearly to her throat so she could see what was happening. It was like the skin was peeling away, surrounding the bauble's cord, and blood was dribbling down Jade's front, and she could see inside herself, bone and muscle and blood, her skin ripped apart like two sides of a gorge.

She was very, very glad that Willow had bound her still. The pain was immeasurable, like she was being ripped up. She swallowed a shriek, but only barely, grinding her teeth together. She felt blood dribble down her mouth, but she didn't realise what it was from until she felt the bed shift beside her, and there was Spike, holding his belt out to her mouth.

"You're biting your lip, luv," he said, and so she was, tearing her lip savagely as the agony only increased, drawn out and torturous. She accepted the belt between her teeth, any urge to rebel gone as she just waited for it to be over. She looked down as well as she could, over the belt. The necklace had sunk into her skin, in a bed of flesh and blood. She saw her breastbone open with a new gaping hole, and that was where the bauble tucked into. Willow's fingers were stained with blood, fitting the bones back together, hiding Jade's soul behind bone and cold flesh.

"Almost done," Willow murmured comfortingly, and Jade didn't think she responded, in a half-daze. But there she was watching Willow's fingers move to the rest of her neck instead, where the chain had sunk into the chasm provided. Where Willow's fingers travelled, the skin knit back together, leaving a red, jagged mark of angry skin behind like a trail, but it was closed skin at least. Around those fingers went, until finally, Willow leaned back. The glow had faded from her eyes and there was sweat on her forehead. Willow wiped it off with the back of a bloody hand.

"Done," The witch said, and Jade could move her limbs again.

"Bloody hell," Spike growled, pulling his belt back from Jade. "Not an easier way to do that?"

Willow shook her head slowly. "No. This was the best way. Believe it or not."

The bed's weight shifted again as Spike got off it, returning seconds later with a jar in his hand. "Drink this, luv."

She took a long gulp without complaint, feeling dizzy, her still-healing flesh aching. "Can I see? In the mirror—" She stopped, glad a blush couldn't make its way to her cheeks. No reflection for the vampire. "Never mind." She mumbled.

She could only see part of the damage, on her breastbone, where lines on her flesh turned into a larger, red circle, where the whole of the bauble had been pushed through her skin.

"Here," Willow said gently. She reached forward to Jade again, a thumb on her temple. "Dabit in conspectu meo."

Jade blinked, and then suddenly, she wasn't looking at Willow anymore. She was looking at herself. What a mess she was. Blood dripped down her mouth. She had a blank look on her face. She was pale, as always, with circles under her eyes, her hair disheveled, not combed from being smashed against the pillow. Her eyes were a dizzying blue at least, the one feature about herself that Jade had liked. But she wasn't here for vanity. Blood was everywhere, dripped from where her skin had been peeled apart. She glanced down to what she wasn't able to see herself, a red, garish line marked through her pale skin, where the necklace had laid across her skin was knotted back together, angry flesh, the outline of a necklace without the actual necklace.

Jade blinked, and she was back to looking at Willow again, the witch's thumb removed from her forehead as she straightened up.

"Not so bad?" Willow asked with some trepidation.

"Not so bad," Jade echoed, her throat hoarse. It was an ugly thing, but it would heal. "It'll heal?"

There was that mournful look on Willow's face again. "It'll scar," She admitted softly. "I'm sorry Jade: even for a vampire, magic can scar."

"That's alright," Jade mumbled, feeling numb again. It was just a scar. And it was in the same place that her necklace had been, so it was easy enough to cover up. Not like she wore many strapless dresses.

"Sure you can't make it poof?" Spike asked, less accepting.

Willow gestured her thumb in the direction of his eyebrow scar. "No more than I could fix that."

Spike raised said eyebrow. "This was done with a sword. Slayer marked me."

"It was an enchanted sword," Buffy spoke for the first time, rolling her eyes at Spike's surprised expression. "It was in the watcher diaries. I read, okay, Giles said that a Buddhist monk had given her the sword. It was magicky, and that's why you got scarred."

"Oh," Spike said, looking properly contemplative. "Good to know." He shrugged, then looked towards Jade again. She felt her throat close. That pity, she hated to see it.

"I like scarfs, anyway. Willow." The witch looked at her. "Thank you. Really. Thank you. Once it heals a little more, it won't be so easy to see. And anyone's going to have a hell of a hard time trying to rip through my bone, I can tell you that."

Willow smiled, relieved. "Happy to help. Sorry about the… you know. I haven't done much flesh magic before. It's a little… messy."

"I think it'd be ironic if I was still squeamish around blood," Jade said with an answering smirk, as much as a smile as she had the energy for.

"Well, glad that was a success," Buffy broke in. "There's still the second part."

Jade bit back a sigh, leaning forward on her hands, turning her attention towards the Slayer. She had almost forgotten. Having her skin ripped open and an amulet stuffed into her bones was enough to take that off her mind. "And what's that?"

Willow and Buffy exchanged a glance, the witch shrugging, although that guilty, unhappy expression rhad crept back onto her face.

"I got into contact with an old friend of mine. Riley Finn, he's a lieutenant in the military."

Jade nodded. She had only a basic knowledge of him, from Tara, Anya and Joyce, but enough to know of him. A low growl surrounded from beside Jade, jealousy perhaps, from Spike at the mention of his name.

"We've… done some missions together with the military. Send Slayers to help out when they get in over their head." Buffy smirked. "Which happens a lot. Anyway. We help them, sometimes we let them help us. I asked for a favor, and they can do it." Buffy tapped her fingers together, a surprise show of hesitation as she glanced first to Spike, who was rigid and frozen.

"They'll be here in a couple hours. And they can put in a chip in your head. Like the one that—"

"Spike had." Jade finished, in a breath of a sound. "One that can keep me from harming humans."

Buffy nodded.

It didn't require thought or deliberation, much like with the ritual that Willow had just performed on her. It was another precaution, and damn if she was going to resist it. Anything to keep her feeling like that again, to have her regain her memories just to see blood and carnage in them. This was a solution, one she wanted. A leash that she needed.

"Yes, of course," She spoke at the same time Spike did.

"Not a sodding chance."