Chapter Thirty-Two: Today I'm Still Breathing

Angela (POV)

Trigger Warning – This chapter contains situations dealing with suicide.

One day, two, three. A week.

Seven days and it still felt like I was standing in that driveway watching my lover walk away. I felt tired, sick and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed most days. My parents had all but given up on me, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to care. I kept swinging from angry to devastated and everything in between. I could barely keep food down, and I knew that I was self-destructing.

It was Tuesday morning, and my parents were already out of the house, my brothers at daycare. I hadn't attempted to go to school in days, and today was no different. The very thought of school made me feel nauseous, hell everything made me feel nauseous. I tried to distract myself with my guitar, then online, television, I even tried to pleasure myself… nothing worked. I was bored and restless, despite feeling like I had barely enough energy to move around the house.

After two hours, I realized I was feeling stir crazy. After trying to figure out my options, going on a drive, going to school… running away from everything. I decided I should get some exercise and get out and reasoned that a walk around town would kill two birds with one stone. Of course, walking around Forks was blatantly breaking the rules of being home sick, but I honestly didn't mind if I got caught. My sick excuse was already bordering on inexcusable, despite Carlisle giving me a note.

As I was walking through the small downtown center of Forks, I noticed Renée Dwyer, Bella's mom, going into one of the shadiest local bars. It didn't seem like her to be drinking, but after everything that had happened, I couldn't blame her for trying to drown her sorrows. In a way I wished I could join her. Yet even though I could barely function, I felt a strange obligation to make sure she was alright.

There was no one at the door, and the bartender just rolled his eyes at me, but didn't bother to ask to see my identification. The scent of stale beer and whiskey permeated the place and made me gag a little, but I braved the smell and made my way over to Bella's mother. Renée already had an empty glass sitting in front of her, and I could tell it wasn't the first of the day from her posture.

"Angela." Rosalie said from behind me, and as I glanced back, I could see the worry in her eyes.

"Renée." I said motioning towards the focus of my attention. I was glad someone was there, even if Rose wasn't the cuddliest of the Cullen's. Her presence provided me a small boost of confidence and clarity, and I walked over to Renée and took the glass from her hand as she was about to down another shot.

She looked at me with shock on her face, until she recognized me.

Then her expression soured, "Angela what do you want? Why did you take my drink?" She sounded dismissive, angry and detached. It was as if the scattered, lovely woman that she had once been, was all but gone. It was obvious why, losing both Bella and Charlie so close together broke her will to live. She didn't even have Phil to lean on anymore, so she was in this crummy bar wasting away. I looked back at Rose unsure of what to do but she just shrugged and motioned for me to continue.

"I'm here because Charlie and Bella would've wanted me to be here." She threw me a look of such sorrow that I couldn't quite absorb the depth of her pain.

"Why do you care, you're not my daughter." She spit back at me.

"You're right, I'm not your daughter, I'm just here to make sure you don't throw your life away." I said as sternly as I could muster.

"Why, what do I have left. I can't care anymore, just leave me alone." She pushed past me and out the door. It was at that moment that the bartender finally decided to take notice of my age and threw me out, so I fled into the dim afternoon. Rain had just begun to fall as I made my way down the block.

"Rose, do know which way she went?" I asked looking back to make sure she had followed me.

"This way." She directed, and we walked in silence for a couple of minutes, finally catching sight of Renée as she went into another bar.

"Angela, we're worried about you." I could hear the concern in her voice, but I wasn't in the mood for false sympathy. I stopped and turned to look at her, and I could tell that she wasn't just pretending to care.

"I'm fine. Just been feeling lousy." I lied, because I couldn't bring myself to tell her how badly I ached, and how much I felt like the world was closing in on me.

"You're not fooling anyone; you look as bad as Renée." She said with a worried frown and small shake of her head.

"Thanks." I replied with bitter sarcasm. "I know should be better than this, but I don't even know if he's dead. I don't know if I'll ever see him again." I said feeling like I had said too much, my voice uneven and I was ashamed of how broken I sounded. Rosalie attempted a soft sympathetic smile, but it came out a little forced. Yet it was nice to see that her eyes had started to return to their usual topaz that highlighted her glorious blond hair, all that was left of the red was a small crimson circle around the outer edge that made her eyes look a little bloodshot.

"You know, fuck it. Bella needs you right, and so does Carlisle and Esme. Hell, I could use a sister to lean on. My husband is gods knows where looking for a woman bent on killing members of my family. Edward is with him, and Bella is going a little insane waiting for them. Did you know he actually had to gall to propose to her just before getting on an airplane. We haven't heard from them in three days now. So, I get it. This sucks, it hurts. But we're family, and we have lean on each other to get through it." Rosalie spoke with more passion and conviction than I had ever heard from her.

I looked at her, really looked at her and there was no deceit in her eyes. I had never heard her accept me as a member of the family before, but there was no mistaking her need. She was hurting, maybe as much as I was.

"We help Bella's mother, then take me home and I'll try." I said with as much strength as I could conjure.

"You mean…" She cocked her head slightly, trying to understand what I meant.

"Home. Our home. My human life is over. It has been for a while now. I need to be ready, for what's coming. I need to be able to fight for my family, and yes that means you too Rose. We might not be that close, but you are my sister." I felt my body sigh just getting out that much emotion.

"Let's do this and get back, maybe pick up some food for you. You really do look awful." She pulled me into a quick tight hug. The contact felt good, and I felt easy tears start to fall.

"I needed that; thank you Rose." Even just trying to express the gratitude felt like a strain on my exhausted nerves.

"Wait, Edward proposed over the phone? No wonder Bella wanted to talk to me." I shook my head; I had been so wrapped up in my own drama that I had forgotten my… sister. Bella was my sister. I shut my eyes hard as new tears started to come.

"Angela? What's wrong? You seem oddly emotional." Rose said squeezing my shoulder.

"I've been like this for days, at first it was just pain. Then anger, and now I'm all over the place. I'm up and down, hungry and nauseous. Nothing makes sense anymore." I frowned, I had never had problems with my emotional stability before, of course I had never been in love before.

"First love, I'll tell you my story sometime, it might put things into perspective." She gave me a knowing smile.

"I'd like that. Let's go." I replied, hoping her story would bring me some clarity. Rose nodded and we headed down to the next bar, for a small town of three thousand, there were five bars in the downtown area which always struck me as excessive. As we got to the door Rose shook her head.

"She's already gone. We must've missed her, or she snuck out the back. I'll see if I can catch her scent again." Rose led me around the building, she picked up a recently stomped out cigarette butt, and cringed at the smell of it, but nodded once.

"Got it. She's this way." She said and immediately started walking. We moved through the streets of Forks in silence, until we came across the Washington Inn, the long-term hotel that Renée had been staying at. I already knew which room to go to, but when we got there the door was ajar.

"Renée, It's Angela." I announced loudly enough for her to hear even in the rear bathroom. I looked over and Rose's eyes were wide and wild.

"I can't go in there. I'll get help, do what you can." She didn't explain and ran off almost too quickly.

"Renée?" I said entering the room feeling my heart in my throat. The lights weren't on, but I could make out empty bottles and full ashtrays scattered around the room. The stench made me retch, a combination of alcohol, cigarette smoke and a hint of vomit not properly cleaned up. Fear started to ratchet up as I moved through the dark space towards the bathroom. The door was shut, and locked. I hesitated for a second, but then knocked hard.

"Renée!" I shouted and jiggled the handle. "Renée, can you hear me?" I asked again even louder.

"Go away!" She said after a prolonged silence.

"Angela, she's hurt herself." Rose whispered from the doorway. "Blood."

"Renée, will you open the door?" I said more gently. "I have good news about Charlie, he's alive and wants to see you."

"What?" She said barely above a whisper.

"Yes, and I'll take you to him, I promise." My words felt hollow, and I was tired of trying to hold back tears, it killed me that it wasn't a lie, but she would never know. Almost a minute went by, and I started to say something else when I heard a noise, like someone trying to stand and collapsing.

"I can't get up." She finally said. "Help." I tried to kick the door in, but I didn't have the strength. I looked over at Rose, who looked down almost in shame and shook her head.

"I can't." Her voice was a bit panicked, and her body was visibly shaking.

"I don't have the strength." I admitted and fell back against the wall of the closet behind me. She looked at me and took a deep breath and held it. She moved through the room at nearly a blur, and in less than a second the door was open, nearly knocked off its hinges. Renée was collapsed on the floor, a pool of blood coming from a long deep cut on her right wrist. Rose lingered above her for several seconds, staring at the blood, but eventually turned and ran back outside the room. I pulled myself up and used a towel to put pressure on the wound, then I got her head into my lap.

"Help is coming." I tried to sound soothing, stroking her hair.

"Bella, oh Bella." She muttered.

As we waited, I kept staring at the blood pooled on the floor. In the darkness of the room it looked black, and it was almost as if I could smell it. I found myself reaching for it as the paramedics arrived three minutes later and took her away. I had trouble finding the will to get up, but when I did, I found Rosalie outside standing next to her red Mercedes.

"This is too much. I don't think Bella is going to handle this very well." Expressing my primary worry as we got in her car.

"No. Losing a parent is hard, losing a child… I can't imagine what she's going through." Rose looked deeply upset and shook her head as she started the engine.

"I didn't lie to her; I think that what hurts the most. She'll never know that they are both still alive. We have to do something to help her, but I don't know what to do." I couldn't think of a solution, beyond turning her into a vampire so she could be with her family. Which even in my current state, I knew was an appalling and horrible idea.

"Do you have Phil's number?" Her suggestion made sense, but I didn't know how she left things with her second husband.

"No, but Bella does. That's a good idea, I think, maybe, I don't know." I couldn't process anything, and the only thing I could think of was getting Bella and Charlie's advice. Yet how could we tell them what happened?

"So, I wasn't going to bring it up. But we're taking Bella to Seattle tomorrow to get her new papers. Even now, I think Bella needs the distraction. When we leave this place, she'll need to have a new identity. We could put in an order for you as well. Do you want to go with us? We're probably hitting a mall while we're at it. Maybe convince Alice to go, she seems very reluctant to make the trip with us." Rose sounded almost enthusiastic about the whole trip idea.

"Might as well, I'm not going back to school. I may not be on Alice's most favorite list right now, not after how I…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I had screamed at Alice after Mason left, it was utterly unfair to her, but she was an easy target for my anger at the time.

"Alice feels just as bad as you do right now. She's so alone, and I think she needs someone to reach out to her. Bella's tried, Esme a dozen times, Carlisle made a few attempts, and even I have tried to get her to come out of her isolation. I think she might need you to forgive her." Rosalie looked frustrated, and she clearly didn't have an answer to helping Alice. I nodded once, but I wasn't sure I had any place forgiving Alice, when I was the one who was in the wrong.

"Anyway, don't worry about school. I know Carlisle would insist you finish out your senior year, but you'll be in a new school in a couple of years anyway. Then you and Bella can be proper sisters." Rosalie thought she was being helpful, but the idea of going back to high school in a couple of years sounded like a nightmare.

"You and Alice too, we would all look pretty great together." I tried to make it sound fun, although I wasn't sure if I was remotely successful.

"Oh, I think I'm skipping the school cycle this time. Plus, five of us were already too many, seven… yikes. Trust me, by your third graduation it gets to be rote." She shook her head and let out a small chuckle.

"Thank you Rose, for being there today." I said as sincerely as possible, and she turned and flashed me a grateful smile.

"That's what sisters are for, to be a shoulder." She said easily, and for the first time I was sure she accepted me as a member of the family.

"I've never had a sister, and mom isn't really all that affectionate." I hadn't meant to voice my inner musing, but it was true. Mom was a lot of things, but she was never my cheerleader and friend.

"Well, you got three of them now, plus Esme who almost counts as two. I should call Carlisle and let him know about what happened." She pulled out her phone and dialed, putting it on speakerphone so I could hear. "Carlisle, there was a situation with Renée. Paramedics should be bringing her into emergency now."

"Thank you. I'll make sure she's taken care of." He sounded confidant and concise but knowing Carlisle I could tell he was deeply upset by the news.

"I have Angela with me, we'll tell Bella." Rose continued, looping me into the conversation.

"Of course. How are you doing Angela?" Carlisle asked, worry clear in his tone.

"Going crazy, how about you?" I hadn't meant to be flippant, but I couldn't think of anything better to say.

"Likewise. I'll be home as soon as I can, will you be staying for a while?" He sounded like there were things he wanted to discuss with me, which suited me fine.

"I'm not leaving." Restating my desire to officially join the family.

"Then we'll talk in a few hours." Carlisle ended the call on his end.

"We don't really have beds, but there are five nice couches and the medical bed in Carlisle's office." Rosalie explained, but I already knew the living situation.

"I'll make do. Is Charlie going to be a problem?" I realized that maybe I had been wrong to assume their house was safe for me.

"No, he's nearly as controlled as Bella, but in a different way. He is still volatile, but he can literally shut off his impulses like a light. I've never seen anything like it." Rose sounded impressed, which was interesting. "Plus, I can make him think he's a toad if he gets out of hand."

I let out a short loud airy laugh. "Is he a shield like Bella?" I managed to say shaking my head at the imagery of Chief Swan sitting like a frog in a corner of Carlisle's office saying 'ribbit' every few seconds.

"Maybe, but we don't think he's a mental shield." She didn't sound sure of anything, which was fair.

"I don't even know what that means." Mason had explained gifts several times in front of me, and I still couldn't quite grasp the concept. Maybe it was the idea that people I knew had super-powers.

"Doesn't matter. Eleazar and Carmen are coming down soon, he can detect the gifts of other vampires."

"Like Mason." I frowned, it hurt to say his name out loud.

"I don't think Eleazar can see that much, but yes." Rosalie said nodding once.

"They are a part of the Denali, our cousins from Alaska?" I asked feeling like drawing out the conversation was better than sitting in silence on the long drive to their house.

"Yup. Tanya, Kate, Irina and Laurent are staying behind for now. Although there is some drama with Laurent, apparently he was the coven mate that Victoria and James were searching for." Her eyebrows were raised, but she didn't seem to have much emotion behind this revelation.

"Maybe he would be a good place to start looking for answers." I suggested, wondering why no one else thought of that.

"That's the drama. He says he doesn't know much, but Tanya's working on him. That's why they are staying up there. I told her that I could force it out of him, but she didn't understand what I meant." Rose chuckled slightly, but then sighed.

"I guess that's something. Maybe I should thank Tanya for trying." I said trying to gauge my own reaction to any kind of news about Victoria.

"Thank Jasper, he got back to us with the Laurent lead. We hadn't even heard that he and Irina were mates." Rose said with a touch of surprise in her voice.

"Jasper. Wow, I haven't thought about him in a while." I shook my head, wondering how Alice took the news that Jasper helped the family.

"He offered help if we need it, so that's at least one ally we can count on." Rose looked satisfied with that confirmation, perhaps a small relief that we weren't alone in the upcoming fight.

"God, I can't think about that right now. The idea that most of us won't survive what's coming. It's why I need to be turned, maybe I can help in a way we cannot anticipate. Ma… he said I would have a gift." I could barely think about him, and saying his name again almost burned on my tongue.

"Yeah, I know, we all do. This entire situation with you is impossible. I guess you should say goodbye to your parents at least." She didn't seem happy with the idea, which followed the rest of the family's reaction. Although I knew it was more about my throwing my human life away.

"I'll call mom and tell her I'm spending time with Alice tonight. I haven't told them that he left town, but I should probably spend at least one more evening at home to say goodbye. Then, I guess we can fake my death." I wasn't sure if Forks could take another teenage death on top of Bella and Charlie, but I had to do something. "Or maybe I should just 'runaway'. God, why is this so hard."

"Are you sure?" Rose asked, yet again with a sincerity I wasn't expecting.

"Yes. It's my only choice now." I answered, not sure how resolute I felt about that answer.

"Angela, you're still human. You can have a life, if you hate it here, we can set you up anywhere you want to go. You don't have to jump into this with both feet." Her offer was the same as his, and as appealing it sounded, it was the selfish choice. If I stayed human, I had to be there for my parents. Yet I would then condemn my new family to whatever horrible fate was coming. I knew I had a part to play in that conflict, I just didn't know how large a part. I was so tired of the question, of the decision. I had already made up my mind when I thought I had a future with… him. What difference did it make now that he was gone? I still had the rest of them, who could help carry me and get me through this pain. Unlike my parents who didn't know what I was going through.

"Maybe, but I don't have the strength anymore to fight. Maybe if I'm no longer human, I'll be able to move on." I finally replied trying to make sense of all of it.

"It doesn't work that way, trust me." She said shaking her head.

"You don't even like humans." I looked over at Rose with a touch of incredulity.

"Like. It isn't that I don't like humans, I envy them." She said softly, her voice had a different quality to it than I had ever heard before.

"I don't understand." I couldn't fathom what she meant.

"When I was human, I wanted nothing more than to be married, and have a child. I was engaged to a man named Royce, he was handsome and rich, and I thought he was the answer to my wishes. One night I was walking home alone after a function with my mother. Royce was loitering outside of a local pub along with several of his friends. He was my first love, I trusted him. He betrayed that trust in the vilest away imaginable. He grabbed me and brandished me about to his friends tearing at my clothes to show off my body. When I started to cry out and resist, he hit me so hard that blacked out. When I woke up, I was in a dark alleyway, and they were having fun. Taking turns and beating me when I cried. When they were finished, they left me there for dead. That's when Carlisle found me, I was begging for help, begging to stay alive. He knew I was dying and thought he was helping me. Eventually I found Emmett, and I love my family, but Emmett and I, we'll never grow old. We'll always be this." Rose looked like she was crying, despite the lack of tears falling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." I said as sympathetically as I could. She glanced over at me, and then we turned off onto their driveway. As we approached, Esme, Bella and Charlie appeared in the doorway.

"Don't worry about it, I just thought it might help you to know my story." She said with a small smile as we stopped, and she turned off the engine.

"Rose, will I be okay?" I asked feeling confused and scared and terrified I was going to live forever without the man I loved.

"Eventually, one way or another. Pain always fades, not matter how intense." She sighed, and got out. I followed a few seconds later, and Bella immediately rushed over to me. She looked happy, but I shook my head at her.

"Bella, Charlie. I have some news, about Renée." I started and Bella's face changed, her eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly.

"What happened." Charlie said from behind her, his face hard yet it was clear he was holding back emotion.

"She's been drinking, and this afternoon she tried to… tried to commit suicide. Carlisle is taking care of her, she's at the hospital now." I couldn't keep the emotion out of my voice, and Bella's reaction broke my heart. She closed her eyes in pain and shook her head.

"I have to see her; I have to tell her." She said barely above a whisper.

"We can't Bella, she would never understand." Charlie said unexpectedly.

"We have to do something." Bella looked back, her face twisted and broken.

"What can we do?" Charlie said with a shrug. "Renée has always been impossible, and I doubt her attempt was real. She needs to hit rock bottom, it will make her face her life. Bells, we can't interfere anymore, as much as we want to."

"I don't know if I can. She needs me."

"She needed you when you chose this life, she needed you when you decided to move here. You have abandoned her twice already Bella. This isn't about her, it's about your guilt." Charlie looked angry, and his words were deeply unfair. Bella threw herself at him and slapped him so hard the skin on his cheek cracked momentarily. He just winced and stood his ground.

"Angela." Bella turned to me, looking helpless.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." I said holding out my arms for her, and she practically flew into my embrace and buried her face in my shoulder.

Author's Note: This turned out way darker than I originally intended. Don't worry, we will cover some of the time after Charlie's awakening in the next chapter. In the last chapter, there were some questions about what happened in that final section. I re-read and realized that something was missing. I added a couple of lines that add context to both Mason's choice and why Felix met the fate he did. Although there will be more in upcoming chapters.

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Thank you for reading!