Author's Note:
Hope you enjoyed the last fluffy chapter.
Here is a new one that REALLY broke the length record!
Have a good day, let me know what you think.
And if you have any requests for this story.
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
(And as Addison's eyes close as well and she soothes herself softly to sleep…)
(The last thing that Addison thinks she feels Meredith running her fingers through her hair…)
(Is that both Meredith Grey could be a really great singer… and that that song would be a wonderful one to have played at a wedding….)
(And in her so tired she's practically a drunken stupor, Addison thinks of a wedding to Meredith… and that maybe she'd ask her to marry her someday...)
And as Meredith Grey sees that Addison Montgomery has finally fallen asleep,
She can see all the struggle, all the wariness, all the pent up frustration and hurt all just leave her body, leaving only the happiness, the joy, and the empathy left here on her face.
Meredith can see how peaceful and happy she is. And she wishes she could hold onto this moment, forever, with her.
She wishes she could never forget the feeling she's feeling right now, holding Addison Forbes Montgomery as she sleeps the day away, as she is here, safe, and in her arms.
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly
Chapter 24: Break On Through, Part Unlucky Thirteen
Lucky.
If there was one singular word that Meredith Grey would describe her life as at the moment,
That would be the one she would choose. Lucky. Yep, that was the one.
Why was she so damn lucky, you ask? Why was she so sure she was the epitome of luck?
So lucky she was the DEFINITION of lucky when she was woken up several hours later?
Well, that would be partially because she had been awoken from a particularly pleasant nap.
And that she had been awoken from a particularly comfortable position, which she was still in.
And despite the fact that she had been awoken at an inopportune time, in an inopportune position.
And in a - dare she say a rather incriminating position; cuddling with an inappropriate person.
And yet, all of this made Meredith Grey feel selfish and indulgent, and yet, extremely lucky.
Because as she was here in this unlikely supply closet, lying on the damn door.
But it was because of who she was with; she was with Addison Montgomery.
She was holding Addison Montgomery in her arms. Like she had loved doing and was still doing.
And she was just watching Addison breathe as she slept. In and out in and out.
As she traced shapeless patters on the pale of her skin, enjoying the platonic touches.
As she soothed her hands through Addison's gorgeous red hair. She LOVED Addie's hair.
And as she felt Addison's beautiful warm body pressed up into hers. She's SO pretty.
She just looked so peaceful. So sweet and bright and almost ten years younger-
(Though she would never DARE say a thought like that to Addison's face! She wasn't OLD!)
But it was the look that was devoid of the self-hatred and anguish that Meredith was relishing.
And she wanted to say something then, to say something she couldn't while Addie was awake.
So she mouthed the words without even speaking them into the darkness. Just her lips.
She mouthed out "Addison I want you to be one of my best friends forever. I want you…"
She mouthed out "Addison, I want to cherish you always, I want to take away your pain."
She mouthed out "Addison, I want to hold you and keep you and love you if you love me back-"
Meredith was relishing this, taking it all in as she mouthed all her bittersweet nothings into the darkness before them.
And she was losing herself, losing herself in this moment and losing herself to the void.
She was losing her sense of what's wrong and what's right, because Addison is still married she reminds herself. And you're still the dirty ex-mistress. And she still thinks of herself as a whore…
And you can't say and think all of these things about Addison if you're still tingling about that weird sort of 'mystery lover' that you're trying to get over but they keep nagging under your skin.
And you can't say that you love her before you know she could love you back, or like you. Or date you for starters. God, lesbian u-hauling was a stereotype but she never thought she would ever have it for someone like - THIS BAD, and THIS FAST, and THIS FURIOUSLY-
She was so furiously enamored by Addison and it took all of her energy not to plant sweet sweet kisses on the top of Addison's hairline as she slept in her arms.
But she didn't, not even as a friend because she knew they'd mean more to her.
And she worried if she didn't find out soon if Addison liked her, then she would be falling deep head-over-heels for this girl for real. And that there would be no damn thing either of them could ever do to stop it.
So Meredith just sits there contentedly, feeling selfishly and indulgently lucky as she could be.
Wishing she could someday say those wishing words aloud to Addison. She sits there. Happy.
Happy, that is...
Until her pager started to go off. Twice. And she tried to answer it without waking Addison but that proved to be quite a chore with no light and no moving too much… She tried. She really did.
Unlucky.
If there was one singular word that Meredith Grey would describe her life as at the moment,
That would be the one she would choose. Unlucky. Yep, that was the one.
Why was she so unlucky, you ask? Why was she so sure she was the epitome of Unlucky?
So Unlucky she was the DEFINITION of Unlucky when she was woken up several hours later?
Well, that would be partially because she had been awoken from a particularly pleasant nap.
And that she had been awoken from a particularly comfortable position, which she was still in.
And that she had been awoken at an inopportune time, in an inopportune position.
And in a - dare she say a rather incriminating position; cuddling with an inappropriate person.
Dare she say she had been woken up from her particularly pleasant nap in the most particularly comfortable position with the most possibly inappropriate person to be in an incriminating; cuddling, to be with, at least, if not really to HER, then, but to the person who'd woken her?
Namely, Meredith Grey had been woken up by none other than her ex-boyfriend,
And thus Addison's current husband and soon to be ex-husband- (hopefully really soon?!)
Who had walked in on them cuddling when she had slept through nearly ALL of her pages.
And the last two that she had finally been awake for she had only just started to respond to.
Started to respond to when HE, THE, HIM, Derek Cristopher Shepherd, walked in on them.
Walked in on his ex-girlfriend and his soon-to-be-ex-wife asleep in each other's arms.
He had walked in to see Meredith Grey snoring soundly, with her head resting on a blanket.
He had walked in to see Addison Montgomery snoring less loudly, her head on Meredith's chest.
He had walked in to see his current wife and current crush, cuddled up in each other, asleep.
And he frowned for a second when he saw them because he thought that his eyes were blurred.
He thought he had been imagining this whole scene; that it had been a wet dream of some sort.
Or some sort of trick of the eyes at the very least. Hey, he was tired from all of his surgeries.
But as he kept looking at them, he pinched on his wrist to feel that he was not dreaming.
He blinked his eyes over and over to make sure that he had not been daydreaming, either.
But Derek wasn't dreaming, or daydreaming, or hallucinating, or imagining or inventing.
Derek was seeing, he was hearing, he was smelling, he was sensing. He was believing.
And he was believing what his eyes could see. (What he THOUGHT he could see.)
He was believing that his wife-soon-to-be-ex-wife had been cheating on him, again.
And that not only had she been cheating on him again, like with MARK.
But that she'd been cheating on him now, with a woman, no less. And with HER-
With Meredith Grey - his ex-girlfriend or ex-mistress or ex-something to someone somehow.
That not only had his soon-to-be-ex-wife just come out to the world as a lesbian or bisexual-
Whatever. Not only had she just come out to him and to her and to others as not only straight.
She had also just come out to him and to them right before betraying HIM with HER.
And right out underneath his bare nose, right in plain sight of them all. In the hospital, no less.
And all this on SHIFT, while they were both still on-call. And not even in an on-call room, either.
Not even in a room with a locking door. Not even in a room with a damn BED for heck's sakes.
They had been sleeping together, tangled up in each other, in a christ-forsaken CLOSET.
As if the irony had not even escaped him then, it had not escaped him at all, not for a second.
No, the irony was not lost at all on him, Derek, as he walked INTO the closet now.
As he SLAMMED the door behind him, causing it to BANG and wake up Addison, now.
This caused her to jump out of her skin and startle Meredith, again, who was already awake.
She had already been awake for a few minutes trying to answer his pages when he arrived.
But she had been trying to answer his pages on her pager without moving too much-
And without stirring around and without leaving a light on so as not to wake Addison.
Because Meredith, SHE had been paged then, but Addison hadn't. Not yet at least.
And Meredith had woken up seeing how soundly Addison was still sleeping.
And she was so tired. And so sleepy. And so overworked. And so stressed out to the nines.
(Even if Meredith didn't know yet, then, why and how Addison had become so stressed out…)
And she was so comfortable lying there in her lap, that Meredith wanted to keep her there.
She wanted to keep Addison there still asleep in her arms. And when she couldn't do that-
When she couldn't keep Addison in her arms as she'd been paged, at the very least-
The least she could do for Addison after all that Addison had done for HER-
(And all of the things Addison had done for her that she didn't even remember she'd done-)
The very least she could do for this girl was to tuck her in under the covers,
To tuck her in, still wearing her yesterday's clothes. And to let her sleep soundly, again.
To sleep for just a little bit longer. Long enough that Meredith would be gone when she woke up.
Meredith wasn't sure where or why this instinct had somehow kicked into her then.
Why it had told her to tuck Addison in without waking her and to slip on out behind her then.
But it had, and she had tried. She had tried to extract herself and to tuck Addison in behind her.
She tried, but as she fumbled with her pager she didn't see him appear in the shadows.
She didn't see his scathing look of pain. Of loss. Of jealousy. Of anger. Or betrayal. Of hollow.
She didn't see his expression contort into all of these emotions as he stared at them, then.
She didn't see his emotions all tangled inside him. Instead, she only saw him after. Then. NOW.
Meredith could see through the darkness, Derek's figure appeared, as he walked in all slamming.
Addison could see through the darkness, Derek's figure appeared, as he walked in all slamming.
Addison could see through to HIS darkness, she'd known him longer than Meredith had.
Addison could see right through to his pain, loss, jealousy, anger, betrayal, and hollowness.
She wanted to say something then. She wanted to say what she thought she should say.
She wanted to say something like the truth that it was, that she wasn't cheating on him.
She wanted to say something like "it's not what it looks like" and "this is the first time."
But all those things would have sounded to him like a lie. Or three lies. Or MANY lies.
And Addison knew that if those kind and gentle words were to fall from her lips to him,
That he would never believe them from her at that moment than anyways,
Even if all of them had been and still were honestly true… even if she'd been tempted by more.
So then Meredith spoke to him, spoke to him softly. She roused from her pillow, their blanket.
She placed a single kiss onto Addison's forehead as she stroked her hair before she got up.
And she whispered back to Addison as she followed Derek out of the room then, she did.
She whispered to her "I'm sorry," as if she had anything at all to apologize for.
As if they had anything at all to be ashamed of, anything at all to be apologizing for, to him.
But Meredith whispered to her the "I'm sorry," in the way that she does and it kills Addison.
It positively kills Addison every time Meredith says "I'm sorry" for pain that is not even her fault.
But she's shushed silent by Meredith now, who's whispering something more back at her.
Meredith whispers "I'll handle this. I'll handle it with him. I'll take care of it so he knows the truth"
Meredith whispers to her then she's gone. And the weight of the world crashes down now again.
And the weight of the world weighs on Addison now as she lies back down again, on the floor.
Where there's nothing to rest her head on underneath her so she reaches for the blanket now.
She reaches for the blanket Meredith had been resting her head on when they'd been asleep.
And she lays her head down on it and turns onto her side. She turns into the 'pillow', now.
She turns her nose into it as she inhales. As she inhales the scent of lavender, of Meredith.
She inhales the sweet scent of Doctor Meredith Grey. As she thinks that she misses her.
And she thinks that's a stupid thing to think. Because Meredith wasn't even gone.
Meredith hadn't left her. She had left her alone, but because she was only doing her damn job.
Which, Addison realizes she should also probably be doing at the moment now, probably.
Rather than curling herself into the blanket now right here on the floor. Of a supply closet.
Which seemed like a terrible idea as a place to take a nap. But she was here now, I guess.
And Meredith had been here. So this space smelled like her. So Addison stayed there.
She tucked herself under the covers again, wishing stupidly that Meredith could have.
That Meredith had had the chance to tuck her in properly before she had left her. Well, left.
After she'd apologized to her for no reason and said that she'd 'handle it.' And she kissed her.
MEREDITH GREY HAD KISSED HER THERE ON HER FOREHEAD IN FRONT OF HIM!
She had kissed her right there on the forehead in front of him - in front of DEREK.
And she had stroked on her hair before pulling away. And she had held her then.
Meredith had held her in her arms as she slept. And she had held her and cuddled her.
Meredith had sung her to sleep. She had sung her to sleep as she held her and cuddled her.
As she stroked over her hair. As she thought of things that she wanted to say back to her.
But that had died on her lips as soon as Meredith had started singing to her, she stopped.
She stopped thinking of all of those things, of all of those truths or those lies she had to tell.
She stopped wondering what would happen when she finally told Meredith the WHOLE truth.
She stopped worrying herself into pieces and she just let herself go. She let herself then.
She had let herself go by then, enjoying Meredith's company, time, and her body's presence.
She stopped thinking about things like the consequences or the implications or anything.
She had just let herself fall and fell into Meredith's comforting arms, her embrace.
She stopped thinking about how she had to tell her, but how she had to divorce Derek first.
She had to tell Meredith. But she had to divorce Derek first. And she had to tell Derek the whole of the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Even about what had happened that night she had left him. She had to tell him too, about the note and the mystery and about THAT night.
She had to do the right thing. He was a McBastard but he was her husband, he deserved to know.
And she deserved to know, now, too.
Addison just had to muster out the courage to break all of that news.
And to suffer the consequences, be it good or bad or who knows where in between...
Meanwhile, in the O.R, Derek and Meredith were operating on their shared patient now.
The male patient had suffered some head trauma so Derek was slicing into his skull, and Meredith was being at his side as his assistant.
He was not speaking to her at all, not addressing her nor even looking at her for the longest while.
Until finally he asked her, his big McDreamy eyes all watery and blue "Why did you sleep with her?" is all that he asked her.
"She was so tired," Meredith said to him honestly. She wonders after all of this, that somehow she could still convey her thoughts to Derek Shepherd in a way he could understand.
As he nods for her to keep going on Meredith starts to explain again.
"She was exhausted after operating all day. We tried to find an on-call room to rest in but they were all kinda, full…" Meredith trails off because she does not want to dwell on that part.
"Go on" Derek motions her with his head and with a short grunt.
"And I was exhausted so we got something light to eat, and we checked on our patient, and then he wanted to nap, and then so did we…" Meredith specifically says "nap" to be clear.
"So the only place we could find that was private was in that supply closet. So we camped out there with the baby blankets and we were just chatting for a while. And then she rested her head down onto my shoulder" Meredith tries not to wince as she explains this to Derek.
She can imagine that Addison wouldn't really want everyone to know about her being so vulnerable and her needing things from people - from interns like her, especially.
"And then she curled up in my arms and I didn't want to wake her, so I laid her head down onto me and eventually I lay down and I must have fallen asleep then as well," Meredith says pleadingly.
"The next thing I remember is waking up to two pages from you, trying to answer them in the dark and then you walking in, slamming the door and following you and saying 'I'm sorry."
Derek takes in all of Meredith's supposed story and he hums to consider it as if he were mulling a taste over inside of his jaw.
"So you slept with her then. You slept with Addison! Really! While she's still MARRIED to me?" Derek says to her bitterly.
"No, Derek. I didn't sleep with her - not in that sense. We were both sleeping because we were both falling asleep, and we were together. But we never had sex if that's what you're trying to ask me when you accuse me of 'sleeping with her'" Meredith says even more pleadingly.
"But did she sleep with YOU?" Derek asks her and Meredith's not sure how to understand that because she thought she just answered that question.
"We never did anything, Derek, we never had sex! We were never naked not even half-naked I slept in these scrubs and she slept in hers too. We didn't even change into fresh ones, we were so tired!" Meredith is yelling now.
"We never kissed, we never touched, we only talked, and we didn't talk about sex, and we didn't talk about kissing or touching and we didn't talk about YOU" Meredith answers that question there right off the bat.
(She does omit to mention that they had not exactly been subtle about their flirtatious glances or innuendos or about sexily eating caramels and skittles. Wow. Ok that one sounds lame when you think about how it would sound like, out loud Meredith cringes a bit inwardly at herself.)
"Are you SURE about that?" Derek says accusingly.
"Yes, I'm sure about that!" Meredith almost yells now.
(I'd be pretty damn sure if I ever got to experience actually kissing or touching or having sex with Addison Montgomery. Fuck I'd remember that for the rest of my damn life if it happens…)
"What about YOU Derek? Why are you asking ME all about it? What about asking your SOON TO BE EX-WIFE!?" Meredith yells at him back.
"Well she isn't standing right here next to me now is she?" Derek comes back at her lamely.
"Well, that's because she's off doing her own damn job Derek and not stuck here with your questions" Meredith hisses at him right back.
"So you're sure you never did anything together like have sex in that supply closet? Because it would be ironic to have sex in a closet when gays are supposed to br coming out of them not inside of them…"
(MmKay, Derek went there… It was way more fun when she and Addison were joking about that then the way Derek is putting it to me now…)
"Derek, one thing I have to ask you is why do you keep asking me this when you know that I'm not lying to you?" Meredith finally says rather thoughtfully.
"Why would I know that for SURE?" Derek asks her.
"Well to be blunt Derek, I mean you've slept with both of us, so wouldn't you remember what we looked like after having just had sex?" Meredith questions.
"I guess I had not thought about that," Derek says thoughtfully.
"How did I look after just having had sex?" Meredith asks him.
"Well, when you looked all fucked out you had your hair all wild, you were moaning and sweating and glistening with come" he says lewdly.
And the thought of it somehow does not turn Meredith on the way it probably would have used to not so long ago.
"Well, did I look like THAT just then? Do I look like that to you now?" Meredith asks.
"Well, no not really. I mean your hair was down but you don't have any bite or scratch marks anywhere either or lipstick smears on your neck…" Derek says nonchalantly as he examines her up and down for such things and fails to find any.
And Meredith looks away from him now, because he had just accidentally confirmed some incriminating things about his soon to be ex-wife's habits in the bedroom.
(And THOSE thoughts were turning Meredith on now. Damn, apparently Addison DOES like to bite. And suck on the neck. And probably also she'd scratch all of my back up and down with those manicured nails of hers and -oh god- that all sounds so delicious and naught…)
"And what about HER?" Meredith tries to say casually.
(I mean, in the most casual way you can ask your ex-boyfriend what wife was after being with him in bed; because you, the ex-mistress now wants to in the future bed his soon to be ex-wife once she finally is his ex-wife…. Awkward… But Meredith has gotten quite used to the thought…)
"Well, she'd also have her hair all mussed out. It would radiate from her face and she'd look all calm and content. She'd have predatory glare in her eyes before sex, but the look sort of softened after she had become satisfied. Her body was less wound up and she was less likely to yell" Derek says with a bit of a wince. Plus of course she'd be sweaty and sticky… Of course…
(Of course.. Because you had to go there… Even if it does sound rather tantalizing… Wow, Addison must look spectacular during sex. She can imagine how put together she is normally all prissy and clean in perfect clothes and perfect hair and perfect poise.)
(Meredith just wanted to be the one to make all that fall away. To make her come completely undone, to strip her down to her essence to exactly who she really truly is… And to have that predatory glint to be aimed only at her… And to keep her satisfied so she would be sweaty and sticky in HER arms…)
(So she could hold her calm and content after. Just like their nap. But post-sex nap. Fun!)
"So did she look like THAT this morning?" Meredith says hoping for a similar response.
But Derek considers this one because the answer is slightly more nuanced.
"Well her hair was down because you were running your fingers through it. But it didn't necessarily look like post-sex hair. She looked content and softened, but she was also asleep and she looks like that anyhow when she's sleeping. It's nice actually…"
(Derek trails off for a second and Meredith has to bite back her tongue not to agree with Dererk about that last part…)
"And she seemed like she wasn't as angry or wound up, but she didn't seem sex sweaty and she didn't look… sticky…" Derek sort of seems a bit awkward about that last one then.
"So then what do you think?" Meredith asks Derek. He considers it a moment.
"I guess she didn't look like you'd slept with her sexually. But she looked like she was enjoying being curled up in your arms" Derek finally says honestly.
And for some odd reason, it doesn't come somewhere along in the bitterness that Meredith might have expected such a sentence to carry to her.
"You two looked different after sex and you were both different in the bedroom" Derek starts to continue on his train of thought and Meredith starts to redden at thr thought.
She'd never really had the experience of someone describing what having sex with her was like and she had to admit that she was kind of curious of what Derek had to say about her.
(You just wanna find out what Derek is going to say about sex with ADDISON! Meredith's brain tries to tell her as she tries to ignore it. And is failing at that miserably...)
"You were always so eager. You were a boost to my ego…" Derek begins.
"Well, at least you're admitting that," Meredith says sort of bitterly before she realizes she's said that aloud to him.
"Sorry." Derek does apologize for that part at least.
"Anyways, like I said you were eager. You gave me lots of attention. You were gentle and slow. You do good work with your mouth. You were a good kisser. You are a good kisser?..."
Derek starts to trail off wondering when the past tense had slipped into his speech and when he'd tried to change it to the present tense, Meredith kind of tensed up so he didn't do that more.
"You were a good kisser. Anyways. And you make cute little moans. It was sexy." Derek says.
And the way that he talks about sleeping with her is all about… HIM… Meredith thinks to herself.
It was all about the way she could make her feel. And while Meredith was quite proud of her skills in the bedroom, she found it a bit distracting that Derek never asked what SHE thought.
Not that she wanted to talk to Derek about McDreamy sex with him. Not now. Not anymore…
But she still felt weird that Derek never bothered to ask about it. At all. Ever.
And as much as he praised her, he didn't seem to gush about the intimacy in a way she'd expect someone would when they had claimed to be in love with someone.
(Meredith wonders absently if Addison would talk about her skills in bed in a more appreciative way that Derek just had… Except that she wouldn't talk about them to other people or other exes, Meredith thinks to herself. Addison would be more classy than that, she thinks…)
(But she thinks it would be super hot to hear how Addison might talk about her. If she did all those naughty things she once did for Derek but she did them all to HER. For HER. Addison…)
"Addison, by contrast-'' Derek began his trail of thought and Meredith's eyes leaped up to his in interest as she then tried to look away, not to seem too overly enthusiastic about that particular subject.
"Addison is a feisty one. She liked to be in control for the first while and I liked that I let her. Like I said before, she's a biter and she almost took my ear off a few times" Derek chuckles.
(God, I bet that feels AMAZING, Meredith thinks about Addison nibbling her earlobe…)
"And she liked to kiss me on the neck. And she would claw on my back to shreds sometimes"
Derek winces at that one again, but Meredith just stands there trying not to be so intrigued.
(That Addison was rough in the bedroom was a huge turn-on for Meredith and she ached to be the one who would be making her moan so much that she needed to scratch into her back…)
(And oh, she was right the last time she was thinking about how Addison was a neck kisser and that never failed to drive Meredith absolutely freaking wild…She wonders how Addison liked it on the neck as well, Did she like pecs? Or long kisses? With tongue? With TEETH…..)
"She was a good kisser too. She really liked to swallow my tongue. Sort of like you, I guess."
(And NOW Meredith was distracted by the thought of Addison's tongue down her throat… SHe couldn't operate in an O.R if all she was thinking about was things like tongues!)
"And she was a good lover, for what it's worth. We had some good times. She knew what I liked and how to pleasure me. She'd get down on her knees and well, you know…)
(And Meredith kind of winces when Derek alludes to what he just said, but on the other hand she finds the idea of Addison on her knees in front of HER extremely sexy… And even more so than that she finds the idea of kneeling in front of a hot and wanting ADDISON, extremely sexy)
"All in all it got the job done I guess. She's hot, right." Derek didn't mean for that one to end up sounding like a question. And Meredith made absolutely no attempt to answer his non-question all the same.
(God, she is your WIFE and a freaking BOMBSHELL of a woman all at that, jeez you really just can't see it can you Derek? Or maybe just not like I CAN…. Meredith thinks to herself smugly.)
And as Derek concludes his not-as-informative-as-she-might-have-liked description of Addison's sex life (with him at least), Meredith notices again that Derek didn't mention at all what he'd done for HER.
He'd mentioned Addison doing him sexual acts but not what he'd reciprocated. And Meredith knew that in the past he had reciprocated to her to some extent with her at least.
But that he had not ever been as enthusiastic as when the situation gave HIM pleasure.
And that Meredith in sexual situations, purely objectively is much more of a giver than a taker.
And that Derek clearly was a taker and that's how all of this might have worked for them.
And that apparently Addison seemed like a giver as well in sex and somehow that didn't make Meredith think that the two of them might be at all sexually incompatible.
It made her think they'd be so eager to offer each other the pleasure they were getting.
And that the competition between them wouldn't be to gain more than the other, but to offer as much as they could to each other.
And Meredith SERIOUSLY wants to say to Derek that "he doesn't deserve her, and never deserved a girl like Addison near at all" right at that moment.
But she doesn't. She doesn't say that and she doesn't say anything more.
And for the longest time, they just stay silent, coexisting, and nothing more.
And eventually, Derek starts to consider everything and he has one more thing to say...
"You know, when I walked in on you two napping there in the storage closet, it was just weird to see it seem like you're getting along so well I guess," Derek mumbles at her.
"Yeah. I guess. Getting along. We're trying not to hate each other I guess." Meredith deadpans.
(Oh, you have NO idea about us two starting to get along so well, Meredith thinks to herself…)
(Oh, even Meredith YOU have no idea either about the lengths of it, Addison might have thought to herself had she been present for that snippet of conversation.)
But Addison wasn't at all present for that conversation. She'd been called to consult on her pyloric stenosis babies case. Those babies had been pushed back for surgery while their priorities had been all on the Teratoma Patient John and emergencies.
But now that John had recovered, she was asked to go back and schedule surgery for those two babies. Addison remembered she'd promised to give the case to Izzie and Cristina. So she puts them both on the consults in the coming few days, and wonders if their new relationship would be a problem in the O.R.
But the two boys had handled themselves fine yesterday and the girls seemed to be even more mature than they were. So Addison thinks to herself it should be fine. And then she thinks maybe Cristina might let it slip to Izzie about their shared secrets. Then she decides she really has to do something about those before anyone else can do it for her…
So she tries, again and again, to call Joe the Bartender and never gets an answer.
So she leaves a message for him and Walter on his answering machine.
Saying "Hello, this is Doctor Montgomery, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't mention to Meredith or any of her friends or my husband or anyone else that I was speaking with her the other night and that I split a cab with her. Thank you and take care. From Addison."
She doesn't know if it will get through to him, but Addison can sure hope.
Somehow despite all the goings-on in her life she feels strangely peaceful, despite the sense of the incoming dread that sunk in when Derek walked in on their nap this morning.
Despite it only being a nap of an hour or two, Addison had slept more soundly curled up in Meredith Grey's arms than she had in what felt like eleven years…
And she stupidly thinks up every single stupid or stupider reason why she might have Meredith Grey cuddle and sing her to sleep for another night sometime.
And obviously she can't think of anything that sounds remotely logical nor ridiculous and far from 'just friendly'.
So she sighs at the thought and wonders how it all came to this.
And then idly, Addison thinks to herself then if Meredith Grey had slept as soundly as she did…
Meredith DID sleep that soundly, at least she was feeling very well-rested now.
She's very relieved at this prospect because otherwise being in this operating room with her ex-boyfriend would be even more excruciatingly painful.
Her thoughts are drifting to Addison, and how she looked well-rested also.
And she doesn't want to take credit for it, but if Addison ever did ask her she would have an instinct to tell her the truth about it.
And that was that having Addison safe and warm in her arms made all the dreams seem more vivid and the R.E.M came more quickly.
She felt like she had gotten a full night's sleep in a few hours.
And idly, Meredith wonders if there would ever be some logical reason for Meredith to crawl up next to Addison in bed ever again.
Even if just to sleep next to her and hold her again. Or to have Addison's arm wrapped around her waist and shoulders.
To feel her body so close to hers and how Addison seems to melt and mold into her under her touch…
It was such a good feeling Meredith found herself craving it. She understood Addison's thoughts about craving her Cheetos now, and how powerful cravings could be.
Meredith craved contact with Addison the way Addison said she craved Cheetos.
And she remembered when Addison had said to her "I've resigned myself to eating out all of the Cheetos because if I try to retrain myself I'll just end up craving them anyhow. And the withdrawal appears to be more of a hindrance than the indulgence"
And that's how Meredith was feeling now about wanting to be around Addison ALL of the TIME.
Wow, some crush she was starting to have here. A MAJOR crush.
One hell of a crush that was almost enough for her to forget about this 'mystery person' entirely.
Almost.
But not completely.
"So then you don't think that Doctor Montgomery and I just had sex then," Meredith asks Derek with the most 'normal' voice she can manage after just spending the past few minutes considering Addison's sex life as well as how Derek had noticed them being cuddled up so close...
"Well I think that the evidence overall suggests otherwise," Derek says to her as if he doesn't quite want to believe that himself.
"I guess I just felt betrayal on instinct because Addison has cheated on me before, with Mark" Derek finally admits.
And Meredith hears that little pang in Derek's voice now. The same one she heard the last time he talked about him. And she thinks that it's odd he would say this best friend's name with such reverence when clearly he had been a factor in ending his marriage.
But then again, Meredith thinks, Mark WAS his best friend, so she thinks she understands.
For example in her life, Cristina had kissed Addison and Meredith got mad at her for that. But she still considers Cristina Yang to be her very best friend and person.
(Meredith doesn't think to realize that in this parallel she had thought about being jealous over Addison despite Addison never having ever been hers to be jealous over to begin with…)
And so Meredith just empathizes with Derek now and tries to comfort him in a way.
Because as much as Meredith was angry at him, and how he treated her and how he had treated and talked about Addison, Meredith still cared for him in a way.
Not in a love-cared-for way. But she cared for him all the same.
As someone who had been important in her life, (and someone who had been important in Addison's life) and just as a fellow co-worker, she cared just enough for him.
"I'm sorry that she cheated on you. And I'm sorry if you felt betrayed by her - me - earlier" Meredith says softly.
"Thanks" Derek accepts her apology, despite him being also the one who needed to apologize.
But he doesn't yet. He doesn't apologize to Meredith for jumping to conclusions.
And Derek doesn't refute her apology either, to tell her it wasn't her fault at all, to begin with.
"You know, that's how I felt, Derek when I met her and I realized you were lying to me about being married. That's how I felt from you. Betrayal." Meredith says to him then, honestly.
"Oh. Derek says. And it's not even an apology.
"OH!?" Meredith exclaims at her.
"She's my WIFE," he says.
"She is. She's your leggy and fabulous McWife" she huffs in annoyance.
"You know I told her that you know" Derek admits to her, instead of an apology.
"That she's leggy and fabulous? Well, I sure hope you did" Meredith groans.
"No, I told her that YOU said that she's leggy and fabulous" Derek finally admits to her.
He's lied to her about so many things, And he still has so many lies in his head.
It's the least he can do to offer one less secret like this.
(And what Meredith didn't still know at the time, but what Addison knew is that she'd already shared HER side of this story with Meredith, and Meredith had been empathetic towards her from that day forth after that…)
"It was the night that Addison left me. It was the night you'd told me pick me, choose me, love me" Derek begins.
"And I didn't know what to think about that. I was so tangled up and confused. And all I wanted was a best friend to talk it through with. And I couldn't call Mark after what he'd done…"
And then I went back to the trailer and I put on some nice clothes. And I thought I'd go to find you but I just couldn't bring myself to leave her and I just couldn't bring myself to find you. So I just stayed there not moving in the kitchen drinking some scotch…"
(If Addison was here now she would have remembered how Meredith and she had first bonded at knowing that Derek liked drinking his scotch. And that this interaction of saying 'scotch' at the same time was the one that got Meredith to add a shot of tequila for Addison onto her tab...)
Meredith nods at him then to continue.
"And so then I asked my very best friend of eleven years what she thought. I thought I could ask her that, just as a friend" he winces, thinking again about the memory.
"And so I told her the entire damn thing. I told her how you had said that Addison had come here 'all leggy and fabulous and annoyingly kind and painfully smart and that she was currently saving your best friend's life at the time and she was 'really hard to hate, you know'".
(And Meredith reddens enormously at the compliments she now remembers having indirectly given to Addison, and how she hadn't known what to think about the woman back then, but that what she knew now is that all of those things are so true and even more, and she's happy and shy knowing now that Addison had heard from her then-husband Derek she'd said all of them…)
"And that's when you told me to- pick you, to choose you, to love you. And that you'd be waiting for me at Joe's bar that very evening…." Derek recounts and Meredith cringes now at that part.
"And then I asked Addison about it and what I should do because I really didn't know…"
(Meredith raises her eyebrows at this one because it sounds absurd for him to be picking between two wonderful women and to not even have an inkling of what he wanted either way.)
"And that's when she left me," Derek says as he spits that part out quietly before continuing.
"I'm sorry Derek," Meredith says in reaction because she always apologizes when other people are in pain. Even if the pain Derek had, then, had been entirely self-inflicted she thought…
"And she said she thought that I didn't deserve to pick you or choose her or love either of you," Derek says to her softly.
(If Meredith remembered that night at the bar she might have thought it was astounding she herself had had that exact same question then directed at Addison as to why she left Derek.)
"And then she said to me that she didn't deserve the love that I had then to offer her," Derek says.
"And I asked her if she meant her-Addie. If SHE didn't deserve the love that I had to offer her, as if I was the one to be saying that to her about her…" Derek says quietly.
"But then she said that she-YOU-MEREDITH GREY- didn't deserve the love that I had to offer - YOU-" Derek says all in pain.
"And she defended you then. And I had no idea why. You were the other woman in our marriage. You were my dirty mistress, my girlfriend, my intern and even HER intern…"
"But Addie defended you to me then. And then she took off her wedding ring. And then she took off her engagement ring. And then she took out divorce papers and pushed them in my face to read over so we could sign" Derek says, shivering a little.
"She said that if I couldn't make up my mind and decide, then she was going to decide. That she was going to decide to end it for the both of you - Addison and Meredith - you. And then she said she was leaving me then. For good." Derek says so, so quietly.
"And then she said that 'you can't ask your PARTNER that kind of question; for future reference, now, Derek" Derek quotes directly and realizes he hasn't changed the word to "wife" and hopes that Meredith thinks Addison had just been inclusive and that she hadn't noticed anything suspicious.
But Meredith didn't react to that part of the sentence. She only waited for Derek to finally keep going.
And then Derek finally apologizes for the night he never came to get her.
He finally says to her "I'm sorry. That I didn't even call you to tell you not to wait for me then." Derek says. "Sorry I never said a yes or no to you, then, either way" he says softly.
"And what did you do then, after that? And what did SHE do then, after that?" Meredith asks him.
And then he says that he cried a little. And then he drank a whole lot.
And then he said that "Addison had left him a glass of water and an aspirin out for him next to his bed in the morning. And then Addison had packed all of her possessions so she could leave the trailer, then, for the very last time…"
"And that she wrote a note by the water for him to take the aspirin and to drink the water in the morning. And she said 'thanks for the memories.' And she signed it with only A.M. In nice and curly neat cursive. And then she was gone into the night then, and I never saw her after that"
Derek concludes his monologue and Meredith looks at his defeated look.
"She left my key under the doormat. Her key to the trailer I gave her. I found it there, after"
(At the back of her consciousness the parts of the story having to do with the key under the doormat and note and the water and the aspirin and then 'Thanks for the Memories' and the note that's signed with a curly cursive "M" somewhere on it sounds so super familiar…)
(But she doesn't think too hard at that part, because Derek is asking if she knows about what happened to Addison that night. And Meredith says that she does. Because she had that talk with her.)
"Addison told me about that night. Because I had a hell of a night too" Meredith begins.
"See I went home with some mystery person. We didn't screw, I just slept" Meredith said.
"And when we were talking about this, Addison and I the next day when she told me you two were splitting…" Meredith says to her honestly.
"She said that her night, that it was quiet. Went home early. Nothing exciting," Meredith says to her.
"And then I wanted to tell her that that sounded at least sort of better than my total tequila blackout. But then she didn't wanna talk to me then anymore. She told me to stop sitting next to her on the O.R stool and to get to word. And that's what I did" Meredith says.
"And I never talked to her ever again about the night she left you. Because I knew it was so painful for her and that she wouldn't want to ever talk about it, not to me at least" she says.
"I don't know where she went, she took her stuff though. She probably went to a hotel. I know she really likes the Archfield here" Derek adds in that absently.
"I don't know if I should be relieved, relieved that she never went home with someone else," Derek says. "I know it's not supposed to be my business to care anymore…"
"But I guess I still kind of do," Derek admits to Meredith, surprising even himself.
"In both ways, good and bad." Derek continues.
"Part of me doesn't want her to have found someone else so soon and slept with them. Because it makes me jealous and angry and hurt and alone." Derek says.
"But another part of me doesn't want her to have found someone else so soon and slept with them because they would have been such a rebound for her. And that never ends well" he says with more compassion than he has ever said at all in their past conversations.
"And Addie deserved better than that. Rebound sex in a dirty bar bathroom, I mean" he says.
"I know that she's not at all in love with me anymore. And I'll admit that I'm not so sure I am now, either." Derek finally admits.
"But we were best friends for 11 years. I still care that she got home safely. Even if it's not my place even to care anymore." he says to Meredith softly. And it's probably the most McDreamy thing that Meredith can ever remember he's said to her.
Even though it's not even about her - Meredith Grey.
(Because it's about ADDISON… Her brain tells her, then…)
"I think we accept the love we think we deserve, Derek," Meredith says to him in a sigh.
"You're right that she deserved better than a drunken bar hook up at a hotel room that night," she says.
"And I'm glad that she got that. That she didn't go there with someone. Not that night at least." Meredith says to him softly.
Meredith wants to say more to him. She wants to say she deserved more than HIM and the love that HE had to offer, and that she did too.
And she wants to justify and explain why she cares Addison didn't hook up with anyone that night of her divorce.
And why she cares about her and cares about what happened to Addison back then, too.
But Derek looks so sad and vulnerable now. That Meredith knows now is not the time and the place for all that. To go there. To put him in his place.
That somewhere along in the bitterness that Meredith still wanted to tear Derek a new one over Addison.
But she tries to give Derek a break after he shared all that with her. To focus on the good then.
That just as it was good both she and Addison had not had any drunken sex and hookups that night. Each of them had been spared from a McRebound.
And that it was good that Derek had the time to reflect on his marriage on his own before Meredith tore into him a new one like she wanted to, and that he deserved to hear from her. And Addison too, maybe. If she wanted to do that, herself.
She thinks through all this that Addison has a similar story to tell. They're on the same side of this now after all. 'Join the freaking club' Meredith scoffs at herself inwardly.
And tries not to show Derek just how much she cares, how much she cares about Addison, already as she scrubs out from the surgery and goes to change into fresh scrubs.
Even though Meredith didn't know then that he knew something then, Derek already knew how much Meredith cared for Addison in the moment he'd seen them together in that supply closet.
And he reflects on all of their earlier conversations about the possibility of Meredith/Addison cheating on him with each other in that supply closet there that night.
He had been talked out of the possibility that they'd been having sex together.
He knew that even if his rage didn't want that to be true; part of him wanted it to be just sex.
But he knew better. He'd bedded both of them had he not, in the not-so-recent-past.
And even if sex was slightly different with a woman than a man, it wouldn't be THAT different.
It wouldn't be different than Derek knew if they HAD been having sex together, he wouldn't know.
If they had had sex together, Derek would have seen the telltale flush on Meredith's cheeks.
He would have seen the telltale flushing on Addison's chest. He would have seen lipstick stains.
But he had not seen any of that, he had not seen any of those signs or any others at that.
So he knew that Meredith had not been making anything up, not about that at least.
When he looks up at Meredith's scared expression again,
Somehow he knows that no matter what he has ever thought or used to think-
About Meredith Grey, that she isn't a liar.
Meredith isn't lying to him tonight, about this, at least.
And despite that, there's a broken part of Derek Shepherd there, that wishes that she was.
Because if it was only the sex that had happened, then maybe he could still have a chance with one or either of them.
But it wasn't even the sex; it was the Caring that was the kicker.
Because the caring gave Addison a reason she never had before to stay now in Seattle.
And the caring for Meredith Grey, his ex-girlfriend/ex-mistress, was even crueler still for him.
If he had thought that seeing Mark and Addison together in bed at the Brownstone was cruel,
Then this was a whole new level of cruelty.
But still, he can't help thinking back to Mark again.
And how he never admitted then and still did not want to admit today,
That he'd been even more jealous of Addison than Mark.
Because he still remembered that night when he'd been in bed with both of them.
Even though he swears to them both and everyone he was plastered out of his mind.
But he never had a blackout. Not about that night at least. And he felt both lucky and unlucky about that fact he thought since then.
About today, the part he tried to blackout from his history, is how the way that he saw Meredith and Addison in the closet cuddled up today-
That was how he had been tangled up with his best friend Mark Sloan after that 'threesome night.'
And that he hated himself for thinking about that. Because he shouldn't long for that more than he had ever longed for Addison his wife, or for Meredith his ex-whatever.
He had never longed for either of them the way they seemed to be, longing to hold each other.
The same way that he still longed each night to be held in the arms of his male best-friend Mark Sloan.
And that he had felt relieved and lucky when Addison left him, so he wouldn't have to walk away.
And that he had been relieved and lucky when Addison showed up to break up him and Meredith.
And that he would be relieved and lucky if Mark would talk to him if he had the courage to ever call him.
And that he had absolutely no idea what to say to any or either of the three of them.
About any or all of this to them. But the only one he misses, of those three of them, is Mark.
And if he ever got lucky from some twist of all this stupid unlucky bad luck,
Then maybe someone would call Mark for him. So he could talk with him.
Without having to be the one to decide first.
To admit first.
About how he felt.
About how he or Mark or them might be a little bit GAY.
How he didn't want to be the one to make the first move.
To be the one to risk it all.
To change things forever with his very best childhood friend in case he didn't feel the same.
Because Derek knew in his heart he was indecisive and a coward.
And that he had always most loved his childhood very best friend, Mark Sloan, for being brave.
As Meredith finally does go to the laundry chute to toss her old scrubs away,
She realizes, stupidly, that she doesn't want to take them off because they still smelled like Addison's skin.
She had been basking at the brown sugar and spices sent all day.
And when she went to put on a new set, they just smelled like laundry soap.
And so Meredith has the instinct to keep these old scrubs, as unsanitary as that would be.
And she's lost in thought about this dilemma when eventually Izzie Stevens comes around the corner to chat with her.
"Hey Izzie," Meredith says to her, still fumbling with all those clothes in her hand.
"Hey Meredith," Izzie says as she motions to throw her own scrubs out and gestures for Meredith to hold the set that is in her hand so Izzie can help her do the same.
So Meredith takes one last longing glance at those old scrubs before handing them over to Izzie.
And she tries to hold that sweet scent in her mind and hold onto it for all eternity.
And Izzie asks just how her day has been and she says "it's unlucky but still lucky."
And when Izzie asks if part of the bad day was that she'd lost her house key recently.
And Meredith spins around abruptly at the thought, wondering what Cristina might have told her.
And all she says is "yeah that happened once but I got it back and I didn't want to scare you."
And Izzie nods and accepts Meredith's answer at face value, not pressing her to share more.
But all Izzie Stevens can think about at that moment is how days earlier Addison Montgomery had had a spare house key that looked like theirs next to her car keys the day they had played all of those games with the Teratoma patient.
But then how she hadn't had it the next day when Addison had parked her car in the red zone and needed Izzie Stevens to go move it.
But somehow Izzie seems to read Meredith's expression and notice that it was not a topic that she wanted to talk about.
So instead she thinks she'll drop it and maybe talk with Cristina Yang about it later.
"Hey Mer do you know of any restaurants that Cristina might like to go to?" Izzie asks her friend for her advice.
"Anything but Vietnamese" Meredith laughs and wishes her friend well.
She's super glad that Izzie and Cristina have found each other, starting as friends leading to something much more.
And as Meredith is thinking if she'll ever have that ever with Addison and if this 'mystery person' could or would change that,
Izzie Stevens is thinking about Meredith's comment about "no Vietnamese food" for the dinner with Cristina-
And how not too long ago how Addison Montgomery had all but said to her the same.
Izzie thought that she sure was feeling lucky to have friends like Meredith and Addison.
***** END OF CHAPTER 24
Author's Note:
THANK-YOU folks all SO MUCH for the raving reviews of this piece.
And especially for the discussions in the comments. For the commenter who said that the last chapter will probably spell some trouble for Meddison - Yep, you sure called it. I didn't reply to you there not to give it away. But as you described the last chapter as the "calm before the storm" well, you were spot on there.
Well, this has been an interesting discussion between Meredith and Derk. What did you think of it all? What did you think about him assuming they were having sex when he walked in on them, and do you think he believes Meredith when she told him they had not been?
What do you think about their discussion about how Addison left Derek that night in Derek's words to Meredith. How do you think this will affect the reveal of the 'mystery person?' Let me know what you predict! I just love to hear the fanfiction of fanfiction lol. :D
Enjoy the next approximately 36-48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
THANK YOU FOR READING! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY 3 3 3